Serious Depression

Update on my situation with depression:

I'm in a psychiatric clinic now. The last 4 weeks in the grandparents house were absolutely terrible, i had a lot of emotional breakdowns and suicidal thoughts again, even wrote them down on twitter and made my closer contacts there constantly worry about me and the awkward af outing of my transsexuality to my mother on thursday last week was the tip of the iceberg to just leave my house. So i did on monday and went to the doc in my village, told her my whole situation and she called a psychiatric clinic in the next city, but they couldn't take me in immediately, however i was allowed to live at the flatshare where my sister & her boyfriend live till thursday morning when i went to the clinic again and this time they had a stationery bed for me. My only worry rn is to lose the rehab professional training spot and my work future to become even worse if i stay in the clinic for months, but if i had done nothing to change i probably would have killed myself soon, so i guess my current situation is better now and i'll get the proper help to maybe feel something like happiness again in the future and find a specialist to start my hormone therapy? We'll see.
 
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There's a lot to life so I'm told. So much to do, so much to see. To me this is a lie. I was never meant to be alive, I was a mistake when my parents got drunk. I grew up with my mother as my father and mother split. We lived with my great grandmother for over 10yrs. My grandmother dying when I was young and my great grandmother a few years back. Living in a house away from everyone at school, being in an old person's home, and having an alcoholic mother weren't the best things to have in life. Not fitting in with kids at school, teachers disliking me, and scolding me. It would carry on throughout school. I dropped out gave up, I didn't want to move or do anything. I got suicidal thoughts since 8th grade. I was alone, no friends, no one loved me, and always looked down upon.
So being in a place where I have given up, I was mindlessly playing games when I ran into a girl. She went by the name of Death. Fitting I know. So Death and I start out as ppl we see every so often, then she messaged me wanting to spend more time. This turns into a relationship where we spent the entire day together. Life would go on, we had fun days. Then suicidal thoughts. I'd turn to her as I had no one to turn to and this would go on until one day someone was being a asshat to me in a call and she didn't say anything or do anything. Messaged me privately after saying everything was ok. She then hungout with the guy and started laughing and they all started having a good time together as a group whilst I'm there in silence in the call being hurt. She would go on to break up with me afterwards. She said she was tired of my shit and was done. I was hurt not only because I was having problems irl with my mother but now the only person I had in my life hated me. I needed to spend time with her, before hand because I felt so bad and then shit happens and gets worse.
Moving on to how to the coming day. I begin to feel like an ass, I mean she got upset at me for me dealing with problems so I blamed myself. So what do I do? I try harder. If I try harder I will be alright. This would continue for a few months. I felt so shitty, and had no idea what to do that I started making her gifts, songs, all of that stuff I worked for months on everything. The day we met July 17th, I was gonna make her happy, surprise her. And that's where my luck starts to show. My computer's motherboard fries. I lose everything...I go into a panic. I don't have a phone or anything. It gets so bad I have to see a doctor. He gives me meds that calm me down and I have to go a month without a computer and I'm addicted to it. It's hope I copped with life. I see councilors and others to see what I should do. They said I had to wait, all I could do. Time passes, and I get a new computer. Things sorta fan out the same I guess. I use the computer to cope and pass time. We start talking again everything feels like the same I guess.
We talked about stuff like visiting each other, and meeting each other but in December 2018 I had another suicidal break down. She was pissed at me. Said she didn't want to see me for like 7yrs. This is competently out of the blue for me. So feeling like shit like its my fault, I need to try harder.
So time passes and we are in April 2019. She is a huge Iron Man fan and we wanted to see the Avengers movie together. We planned on me visiting her and seeing this. She even made comments if ya know what I mean. So its April, and I'm excited, after thinking about her non-stop for a year I finally was gonna meet her. And then she backed out. Said it had to do with her not wanting me around her family.
I see the movie, and am heart broken if you know what happens. Knowing she's gonna be upset I don't spoil it for her, I just spend time with her.
She later would tell me it was because I was "In love" with one of her friends. And that she couldn't trust me. I gave her time, money, and love. She didn't trust me. She has her own problems too. With suicide and emotions. Dating guys/girls all the time. She would tell me shit stuff. I don't know if it was her way of trying to get rid of me or because I was her friend. But I would push myself harder. Blaming myself for my failure. Times go on, so lets fast forward to 2020.
Life for me irl is horrible. Being evicted, my mother is stealing from me, and hates me.There homeless people stealing from me, people attacking me, and people threatening to kill me. MY OWN MOTHER MOCKS ME ABOUT SUICIDE....my mother breaks my computer screen. So that hurt. I was trying my best here. All of this crazy shit is happening to me, so I turn to Death. She starts ignoring me. I tell her I am having suicidal thoughts and that I need to spend time with a friend please. She then messages me saying how she doesn't like to spend time with me, all I do is look to hurt her, that she only wants to spend time with me when others are around. That if I wanna spend time with her I need to be happy and sane. So hear I am feeling alone and hurt and she does this to me.
I finally get to spend time with her, its with a group. The other guy leaves and its just me and her, we play together a bit and she's having a good time laughing. Things are going well. She invites some random guy from a game we just played. Death talks about how she is in a relationship after the guy asked if her & I were dating. And he's chill at first. Then he turns into an asshole.
The next day she's back to ignoring me, and later tells me she broke up with her boyfriend and is not dating the guy we just met yesterday. Saying how she's "In Love". She hates the love word with a passion. But loves saying it to him. She said he makes her feel safe and happy. And I'm so confused as to what's going on. So for the last 2 weeks they've met each other randomly are now dating and everything begins to pick up from here.
Over the 2 week period her new bf is pissing off, her brother, who she lives with his family because both her parents died when she was young. He cousins, arguing with everyone. Being an asshole and just arguing non-stop. I tell her this and she say he's just passionate. So he has to be an asshole and get upset when someone calls him out for something.
So last night he messaged me randomly for the first time. Said that he was trying to help me. Told me that I am making everyone sad. That I have no right to be depressed because it makes others sad. How dare I hurt others. He tells me to move on, and give up on her because she is his now. And they are dating and in love. Naturally I ask him what he's trying to get from this. He sees me as someone looking to hurt her. And I tell him I'm not. So I explain to him where everything is coming from. How some random guy comes in from no where, starts dating my friend so quickly, is pissing off her friends and family and is being a prick. He threatens to kill me, which I brought up with her, she shrugged it off like he's not going to, you provoked him.
He insults me, tells me that I have issues that I don't deserve to feel sad because he lost his family a couple weeks ago, and all he has is her. So I need to leave them alone and not bother them anymore....Of course I'm gonna make sure he's ok and say sorry. But I'm not just gonna roll over and let him have what he wants because he has a hard time as well.
They end up messaging saying how they are moving in together tmrw on her birthday. And that they plan to get married in 2 weeks....
None of what is happening makes any sense. So I start talking to her about it. She's all on board. Can't wait to get married, and move in with this guy she just randomly met 2 weeks ago online.
She then goes on to say that I don't have part in her life if I keep making her feel like shit, that I'm not gonna ever be with her, that me loving her makes he feel scared and not safe.
So I try to talk it out with her, being confused and not wanting to loose a friend. She then starts acting like an asshole and ends up blocking me.
I find a way to end up talking to her for like 15 seconds and she calls me psychotic. She wants nothing to do with me, and doesn't care what happens to me or her, because she's "In love"
I talked to a hotline last night so calm me down. But I still feel like shit. I have no one in my life, my family hates me, and I'm stuck in a bad place.
Will take everything one step at a time just needed to let myself be heard.
If you asked me 7 months ago I would still be alive, and determined to get my life back, I wouldn't have believed you. What happened to me over 200 days ago was something I will never be able to forget. I still have PSTD from all that has happened. I've dealt with so much to get to this point, been in survival mode and it's been damn exhausting. Stressing out housing, being homeless, being attacked, losing everything I had...it's fucking traumatic. I still don't have my normal life back. I say normal, but chaotic environments are suppose to be normal for me.

February: I was an emotional wreck. And I could never relax. I wake up in the middle of the night vomiting, in tears, in complete terror. At that moment I lost my girl. Someone who I connected with unlike anyone. Someone who has shared so much pain with me. When you are alone and in pain constantly, you love someone, and that someone spends everyday with you develop a bond with them unlike anything else in this world. Now imagine having that person out of the blue turn on you in your worst moment in life, have them think you are mentally insane and start dating some random prick who gets everything you've ever wanted, everything you dreamed of, told you aren't allowed to have and tortured yourself about for 4 years. That's the closest I can make it for someone to understand my pain this month. Any and everything I did reminded me of her, made me hate her boyfriend, suffering left and right also having to deal with being homeless soon, having no friends and no money.

So not being able to relax, enjoy things I loved, or escape my mental torture I was dealing with I sought medical help. I was given drugs for cramps, vomiting, relaxing you name it. I was diagnosed with PTSD and Serve Depression. As well as some other stuff but that's the main stuff. I also asked for a therapist because I was a mental wreck, I wanted to die every second of the day. And was put on a waiting list. As weeks went on my doses were increase, frequency increase and given way strong medications. (ex. 500mg) I was never able to relax or try and escape because of the being homeless thought looming. I told my doctor about everything every week. And how things weren't improving. So we tried more medicine and what not. He gave me sleeping pilled to keep me asleep and to make sure I feel asleep. I was going sleep deprived beyond hell.

During this time I had to put in my effort to try and find a place to live. I never met anything so I felt stuck and trapped. My mother ruined her credit, no one would accept me for a roommate nothing. So I ended up texting my father. Haven't seen the guy since I was 12, so it would have been 8 years. He got back to me in March. Meanwhile my clinic had to call in a temporary therapist for me to see until the one I was waiting for was free. That's how bad I was mentally...

March: I was seeing my temp. therapist twice a week until March 18th when I got to see my main therapist. We talked about how everything was for me at first, she did the "everything will be alright, Vanessa (I'm not sure if I ever mentioned her name was my girlfriend) would see what a prick that guy was and come back to me" I had to explain to her it wasn't gonna work like that from her not caring if she died and just happy to finally have someone she could physically be with. "Grief is equal to how much we love something" The main thing I took from her. I loved Vanessa so much when I would grieve it was as if I was mortally wounding myself.

I met up with my father and we talked. He would say how he was upset my mother for taking me from him and all that. How I wasn't meant to be born because my mother didn't take birth control like she said. He ended up talking more about my mother & being homeless than the Vanessa stuff I wanted help with. He said I should join the air force or navy ect. Only made me remember Vanessa's new boyfriend being part of the Army..

On the 18th I met my therapist explained everything to her and all that, and I started to feel better a bit. The anxiety started to set in with the being homeless. Since we needed to be out by the 25th of March. Co-Vid ended up happening and we got an extra month. Until the end of April. Which I relaxed for a bit, finally being able to calm down after months of self-torture. But no hope in finding a place.

April: I was told we would be allowed to stay in my mother's friend's laundry room. That sounded horrible to me. Gave me anxiety...time went on, nothing. I could not find a place, mother stole all my money at this point without my knowledge. I was down 3k in less than a month. I was broke.
Therapy helped so much, she would ask me about Vanessa, and I would be happy. I was able to get my high off reliving and telling someone about how amazing Vanessa was. So with April coming to an end anxiety flared up again yea, I was gonna live in a laundry room.

At this point I've sorta gotten out my ranting phase. I can go into detail on shit but doesn't mean much and I kind of just want people to understand and hear my pain because I don't like being alone. So we will start with combining months March-August into one.

We get evicted, and I move into the laundry room. Day after I wake up and told the people we just moved in with are being evicted as well....yep that was my life. The people we moved in with are two-faced and started saying horrible things behind our backs. It got to the point where cops were involved everyday, they kicked my mother out, told me to report my mother to a mental place, laughed about ruining her life, looked me dead in the eyes and told me my dead grandmother was a horrible person...they started treating me and acting as if I was their son. "Call me grandma" "Call me dad" Like this was crazy...They broke my laptop, went through my pills, insulted and blamed my mother for everything didn't apologize once. I tried standing up to them and they told me if I didn't like what I heard to go live on the street and started laughing... So here I am dealing with so much shit already and being told this shit. One night I'm eating food and they bust in and tell me to get the fuck out because I'm not appreciating them, putting their hands on me and basically forcing me to please them so I have a place to stay...

I end up trying to date some people online but it's just not the same, I miss Vanessa. My therapist helping me with this was my only saving grace. One day said "fuck it" more or less. I asked my friend to talk to Vanessa say I needed to talk to her, adult to adult. At this point in time, I'm mentally stronger. I've worked towards this for months, I need to know if she wants me in her life. I need an answer to something. He ends up talking to her, and she said "I'm just not in the mental state to have that conversation with him" So I took that and i ran with it. It's been a few weeks since I was told this by my friend and I'm gonna text her on my birthday here in October and see what happens then.

As for housing, I had no money, no phone, no place to go. I ended up being allowed to stay in a 1970s trailer at the start of August, where I am currently now. It has broken windows, no power, nothing works, broken door but it's what I call a home. I deal with my co-workers talk about relationships all the time, ask each other to hang out, exclude me when I ask. My friends I have left, just two of them I hardly ever talk to because they too busy with their own lives. So every day for me is the same lonely as adventure pursuing and crying because I hate it. Vanessa is what I want more than anything at this point in life. I talk to her as if she is with me. (Not in a mentally crazy way) Im stronger and ready to move forward in life, it all starts with me getting to talk to Vanessa, whenever that is.

I distract myself here on pokemon showdown, joining tournaments, talking in chat, voicing my opinions because it keeps me busy which I need. For me its a dumb way of looking at it but if I lose a tournament or I dont have someone to talk to on showdown its a challenge for me irl because I need to sit around and deal with the pain of life ive been dealing with for months. I want nothing but compassion and to have fun. I dont want fake friends, I dont want to cry anymore. I know I am a better person mentally and want nothing more to help others in life. But it sucks when im told no, and i fight back because I dont want to suffer any more in any aspect of life. I want to prove myself to everyone, and i take it personally when some jackass denies me of this chance to fight my demons and escape.

If you took the time to read this, I am honored and thankful. I wish you nothing but the best and want to make sure everyone else is happier as well!
 

imjustgray

My opponent is trash at mons cuz he outplayed me
is a Tiering Contributor
I’m pretty proud to say that I’ve lived a happy life and have never really been depressed, but about an hour ago I got a text from my dad saying that my mom broke her hip and is in the emergency room.
I woke up at about 4pm today after pulling an all nighter talking to my friends which my mom told me not to do just yesterday, but I did anyway :) and she called me at 2pm (which was probably when she slipped and fractured her hip and I was the only one home with my brother and dad at work) and I didn’t even RESPOND while she was fucking suffering. If I listened to her, I would’ve been able to wake up early and at least help her but I didn’t do shit.
When I woke up, my parents weren’t home which was weird so I decided to call my mom but she didn’t pick up so I just assumed the best for a whole fucking 4 hours until 8pm where I texted my dad to end up seeing that they were at the hospital. I love my mom to death and she would give me anything and everything in the world and seeing her on facetime on a bed laying down with her eyes closed made me bawl like a baby and throw up. I’m not even allowed to go to the hospital to see them tonight and I just wanted to sleep my life away, and the next best thing from killing yourself is literally sleeping so I decided to do that but I couldn’t so like a stupid kid I’m on my phone while my mom is in excruciating pain and about to get surgery.
My mom has always been very religious and does everything for God so I kept blaming him but at the end of the day I’m an idiot for not even being able to be there for her. Anyway idk if this post should go under this thread but I just saw it in the recents and wanted to vent. My parents arent coming home tonight and my mom gets her surgery done tomorrow so pray hope she gets better soon please.
 

Chazm

4 years and still unviable
is a Pre-Contributor
So, I'm currently in a very weird spot right now. I've had this for quite some time but recently in 2020 depression has just gotten to me and eroded the quality of my attitude as well as my ability to be proactive in what I enjoy. I've been finding it harder to write up posts in the forums and I've also been having issues trying out new things outside of mons and actually sticking to them. But I felt today it was worth it to tell you about a particular experience I just had.

Very recently, I've been having a sequence of nightmares. Not sure if it's to do with the antidepressants I'm using but they're feeling very real and making me feel like I either saw everything from them or I saw nothing either from them or the day before. However, today I woke up from one of the most vivid dreams I've had yet. It felt like it bled into my real life and effected relations with people I never even had that experience with.

So - since I don't drive right now, I imagined myself sitting in my dad's car, next to the drivers seat. He drives around like normal for a bit, but then starts to speed up, refusing to press the brake pedal. The way he just looks at the road pierces me in a way that nothing else had for a while - he had just seemed completely absorbed in this speed rage and dangerous driving that I felt like something was going to go brutally wrong if I didn't help it stop. I just had to find a way to get the car to slow down - it took me a while but I finally moved my leg towards the brake pedal and slowed the car to a halt, quickly opening my dad's side door and getting him out. I felt tears flow from my face as my arms wrapped around him, begging for him to come to his senses. I'm just so glad it didn't end in brutality.


Today, that same nightmare effected me in ways I would not have expected. Not only was I feeling more anxious when going out but I could just feel more nervous all the time, thinking some bad premonition was going to happen. I knew it was all a dream but the feeling hasn't gone away since.

One thing I wish that my immediate family would understand is that I can feel a bit more nervous around this sort of stuff likely because I'm autistic and the sensitivity of my brain has been turned up to 11 this past year. I've been really stim-needy within these past few weeks and it's not helping that I'm jumping to every single loud noise and potential distraction that could possibly disturb my ears. As my history with telling people that I'm autistic hasn't been very good, I generally find it tough to tell people that there could be another problem underlying with it and that I may appear a bit more sensitive due to something that had happened to me in my dreams. But I just wish that was easier to communicate with people or otherwise I wouldn't have to feel anxious talking about my feelings or serious issues. It honestly frustrates me that I'm like this - just wish things could be a bit more rational inside me, but oh well, that's just how my mental health is going right now.
 

Yami

Memorable
is a Tiering Contributor Alumnusis a Contributor Alumnus
With how my recent behavior has been, I feel like I just need to put everything out in the open. I struggle with depression, axienity and have panic attacks. I had depression that is on and off from my fiancee passing away when I was 17, then the next year it was a teacher that taught me in hs and lastly my grandpa when I was 19. I blamed myself for 2/3 deaths because I caused them many many problems over the years. I am not feeling good enough constantly with anything I do and feel worthless.

I try to tell myself I am just a slow learner compared to others, but that simply is not true either. I have worked in this deli (walmart) for 2 months now and am still struggling with things I shouldn't be. I am also struggling to live up to the expectations with me in battles, and feel unwelcomed on smogon. There are people that have been here shorter than I have on smogon, but already am better than me when I have been trying over the years, and failed to make mpl last year while most of my friends did, and all my friends that did got in this year over 3k, while I was just a 3k pick. All I hear about is what I did wrong, and people do not accept the changes I have made to my character. I used to love writing analyses and gave it 100% effort on 90% of the ones I did, I have people told me I do not deserve it and wondered why I have it in my badgeset right now.

More onto the unwlecomed part. I try my best to try to be active and contribute, def at the start of gen 8, but slowly declined because of the negatively people have against me. Everything I try my best in is not enough and everything I do is wrong, no matter how much effort I put into it. I even had people hate me that I never personally talked to before, which really disheatraned me right from the start from some communities on here. It got worse the more i try to contribute or be active in communites, as well which makes me think im the problem. Over the three years I been here, I have been attacked for my gender, sexuality, been doxxed and seen many many hurtful things and jokes people have made about me, but yet 90 of the time I blame myself for being lgbt, or not putting on a mask over my real personality that lead me down a dark path and had me thinking I was a problem that should cease to exist, there has been times I have done wrong, but it should not be every word that I type out. I have tried to get + or qc in 1v1 or mono, but failed to because I simply did not feel confident I was good enough. I am tired of the pain in my heart from this, worrying everyone, and having very constant thoughts about taking my own life. I should not have to suffer a breakdown over every L in a team tour because of backlash i usually reciveve.

My irl is not much better, I cannot be out to my parents about being trans cuz of my dad being a pastor and christian, and had a broken relationship with them p much my whole life. I have constant fighting with them, and cannot enjoy my hobbies as if they want me to do something, I have to do it, because this game is not important to them, in fact not of my hobbies are. I do not talk about my personal problems to them, and just let it bottle up inside since if i say anything to a friend / team server i thought i could trust, I would see it in some discord to people that did not like me and use it against me. I am struggling to find a job in my field and have two degrees sitting in my room that should not be since they are IT related, and stuck working a basic job and not doing to well at it, because every single job interview that was related to my field rejected me. I have no safe place right now, I feel like every action I take in either discord, irl, or smogon someone will call me out on it, and feel like I am the problem when drama occurs on a discord server or elsewhere over something i either said or did in the very past or very recent. I am very sorry to everyone, but I cannot take it anymore, I cant take the constant stress, hatred and feeling unwelcomed on smogon. I had lost motivation for mostly everything, as the little things I enjoy in life cause me stress, I keep telling myself things be ok and it isnt, I keep feeling this way, a constant knife into my heart, keep having constact thoughts I am a bad person and should rot in hell, I am to blame of what I go though, and I am not good enough. The world is simply better off without me, and I am choosing to accept it. I am sorry if this post seems confusing, my thoughts are all over the place. I am sorry, to everyone that tried to help me last night, I am sorry for everyone that I am a failure at everything and as a human being, I am done fighting this losing battle, goodbye.
Just a follow up. Nothing much has changed, in fact, i have lied to mostly anyone asking if I felt any better and had lost even more friendships because all I do is complain about everything that is wrong just to vent it out. I cut my only ties I had to vent about things in a public discord because I had a realization that no one cares about me unless its me trying to kill myself and it doesn't help if i do get a message from anyone its usally just asking for a team, joining a team, asking for an opinion on a Pokemon and whatever else competitive Pokemon has. I miss my ex friends and just memeing and talking about other things than just Pokemon in pms i miss getting pmed just a hi how are you or just a random meme, i miss having hour long conversations about anime and talking about plot twists and waifus. I am horrible at trying to make new friends and the friends that i had on this website simply started messaging me less and less till its non-existent or wont respond to my messages. I feel like my existance is meaningless, I have no family or friends to talk to and playing video games, writing and watching anime cannot replace friends no matter how hard I try to. People think I quit or rage over losing a game or smth which isnt it, I like to think of losing as a triggerment for the bad feelings I have because without this game, I would literally have no one to talk to and would probably end up killing myself, and losing to me means being further away from making team tours and being left behind from my so-called friends. Even with this past month I decided to break smogon rules and made a plan with a user to get icbb and ultimately got banned for 12 hours because I was hurting inside and didnt know what to do. I just dunno what to do anymore, I just feel unwelcomed anywhere, my best efforts are not enough and less than human no matter where I go. My irl shit has not changed much from my last post and I just want to end my life, theres nothing left for me to live for cuz what geniue friends do I have that message me and actually talk to me about things outside Pokemon, no one. Only time people want to talk to me is to talk me out of commiting suicide, then I never hear from them again and this time I am not back out of killing myself, all i gotta do is find some strong enough pills, overdose and be dead or just choke myself with holding my breath. I rather be dead then live this meangliess lonely life, cuz whats the point if im just gonna complain, cry all the time and put up a false smile to online people, coworkers and my family who will not support me if I came out as trans. There is nothing going for me, im a medicore Pokemon player, a good for nothing at my job and all my parents do is tell me to find a better job when I have been trying to for a long while now. I am full of despair, depression and feel like my heart is hurting all the time. This is the last thing you will hear from me, so thank you smogon for allowing me to live 3 years longer and thanks ps for letting me live 5 years longer back in 2015 when I tried to kms that somehow trying to be the best Pokemon Trainer kept me from commiting suicide but that coping mechanism obviously does not work anymore. Finally, with my death I can be at peace forever.
 

Ajna

don't talk fake deep to me!
is a Tiering Contributor Alumnusis a Past Smogon Snake Draft Champion
hi, uh, if you know me you may be rather surprised to see me post in this thread, but i kind of just want to talk and not force anyone to listen – i hope that makes sense lol. i am going to preface this by saying i do not think i'm clinically depressed, but the last few days have been the hardest i've ever been through.

at the beginning of the year i made a drastic change in my life – i decided to drop out of school (college) and work full time while i pursued music. i moved back in w/ my parents and began to save. about a month after i had moved back home, i had the opportunity to be in a jubilee (youtube channel) video about being mixed race. it was an overwhelmingly positive experience and great exposure, but on top of that, it connected me with the most important person that has ever come into my life.

a couple days after the video came out, i was randomly on my instagram looking through the new people that were following me. one of the names/profile pictures immediately caught my eye; they were both astonishingly pretty. i quickly stalked her page and decided to send her a corny witty dm based on her bio. she responded almost immediately and we hit it off. to give some context, this is right around when quarantine began, so no one was really doing anything other than sitting inside. nonetheless, we were facetiming and watching sex education on netflix party together a few hours later. i found out that night that she lived only about 40 minutes to an hour away, so that just made everything feel even more crazy – like meant to be type shit. the week went on and we were still going strong. we liked a lot of the same artists and shows, and we had similar life goals and everything. every time we'd talk her smile would just make me happy man – she gave me a really indescribable feeling. later on in the week she went on to tell me that one of her close friends had recently passed, and that she was getting over a percocet addiction. ik, ik... one possible red flag and one major one – i noted them, dw. i moved forward with talking to her, albeit much more cautiously, but nothing changed; she still gave me that same feeling and she seemed happy and stable.

fast forward about a month of nonstop talking and we both broke quarantine to see each other. i don't know what bs excuse i told my parents to get out of the house, but i met her after she got off work and we hung out in her car for an hour (very romantic ik). our chemistry in person was exactly the same, and i couldn't have been more happy. i had been wanting something serious, relationship wise, for some time, so this was all very uplifting and exciting. as time passed, we were both introduced to each other's family and everything was great.

i'd say we're about two to two and a half months in to our relationship at this point, and she's starting to have these waves of sadness come and go but nothing too crazy. i think most people can relate, but most people aren't also getting over a perc addiction and the loss of a close friend either. after a couple days of limited communication, she called me and told me that she relapsed. i knew what i was signing up for when i didn't bolt at the first mention of "perc addiction," but it definitely affected me. we had a long and serious talk about what had happened and how we wanted to move forward. this was also right around the time where we officially decided we were "boyfriend and girlfriend," so this was like our first big discussion as a team. i left it feeling reassured that she was really going to take the steps to get better and feeling like she trusts me enough to tell me anything, and she left it understanding that i would always be there to love and support her, as long as she put in the effort to get better.

fast forward a month and a bit more and - everything was still great. i woke up every day excited to see her in person or talk to her on the phone, and she seemed happy as well. we were hanging out 3-4 times a week, and it was everything i'd ever wanted in a relationship. one day though, while at work (zoom), i got a call from her mom. i picked up immediately. her mom told me that she's taking her phone for a bit and that she's okay, but that she almost overdosed on xanax. we later found out she didn't intentionally try to od and that the xanax was laced with fentanyl. still, not a great sign that she took it. more than anything, i was worried. once she got her phone back we had another big talk, but after finding out she was completely okay, i was much less forgiving/understanding this time. i wanted her to know that i'd be there for her through anything, but i couldn't do that if she refused to help herself. she explained to me that the xanax was strictly to help her sleep (the intended use for the drug) and she had been dealing with some insomnia the past couple months, so once again we moved past it. with how im typing this out it might sound like i didn't think it was a huge deal, but this one was much closer to a fight than a talk; i was very upset. but once again, i just had this feeling that this person was supposed to be in my life. we got through it.

fast forward (for the last time lol) another 2-3 months to this past thursday. everything had been great, like everything i want in a relationship great. her mental health was a lot better, and she was now supporting me through some family drama. we still made each other laugh, we still loved watching the same shows and now the same youtubers, and we just had an overwhelming amount of love for each other. on thursday night i took her out to dinner at my favorite restaurant for her birthday; it was perfect. we talked about what we wanted our future to look like and even talked about her addiction. she had been so good and even at that dinner told me "you don't ever have to worry about me getting back to that point, because i'm doing it (getting better) for me now," and i believed her. having someone who is an addict say that to you while coming across genuine and honest doesn't happen very often; again, it felt like meant to be type shit. we left dinner and had a great rest of the night; she drove home, and i drove home. i texted her when i got home, and she texted me. we talked more about the future; we told each other how much we love each other, and then we went to sleep.

i woke up friday morning to a good morning text from her. i responded and then got ready for work (zoom again). she responded maybe once more, and i replied, but that's the last text i would ever receive from her.

i got a call from her mom about an hour later – deja vu. her mom and dad are both on the phone and they tell me that they're on their way to the emergency room. the girl that just told me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me the night before, and i one thousand percent reciprocated the sentiment, went into cardiac arrest in her room. her 14 year old brother, who's autistic, found her and began giving her cpr while her even younger sister called 911. the paramedics were able to get a pulse, but a good deal of time had passed.

throughout the entire weekend, i've just been a wreck. it's been hard for me to do anything pretty much (and this definitely hasn't been aided by not being able to be in the hospital bc of covid), but today was the first day i felt somewhat human and capable, so that's a start. anyways, they ran tests on top of tests, did exam after exam, but we learned very little in the first 48 hours, well besides the fact that IT WASN'T AN OVERDOSE OR DRUG RELATED AT ALL. the toxicology report came back completely negative, and there were no signs of anything drug related in her room. the doctors believe an undetected deformity in her heart, or something of the sort (they literally don't know), caused an irregular heart rhythm, and that caused the cardiac arrest. as more time passed, we were all but told to start preparing for the worst. so much time had passed from when her heart stopped to when it was restarted that her brain didn't get any oxygen for too long. this caused immense amounts of swelling in her brain and they weren't sure if it would go down. still we waited and hoped and waited and hoped. we were just in this limbo for three days of hoping and praying despite the odds, but about 8 hours ago, after more tests and a second a third opinion, she was confirmed clinically braindead.

i think the hardest part for me has been trying to not fall into the mindset of "nothing matters, anything can be taken from you at any time. why try?" last night that's definitely where i was at. a 19 year old girl who had beat/was in the process of beating a perc addiction, and who had overcome the death of her close friend at the same time, dies from a unexplainable heart incident? like seriously? shit feels like some sort of cruel joke man. i come from a split family situation, so i've always valued family over everything. i've always wanted that picture perfect picket fence family and it feels like god/the world just wanted to shoot that down before it could even really start. like the last real text conversation we had was us saying we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. we don't even get the chance to try? at all?

anyways, it's 4 am, so i should probably go to sleep. i'm going to the hospital tomorrow to say my final goodbyes with her family before they take her off life support. if there's anything i've taken from this, i guess it's that i don't want to give up. these last 72 hours, i definitely have wanted to, and my parents probably think i have, but that's not the truth. while typing this, i realized that i want to do anything and everything i can to honor her forever. we always talked about the life we wanted to live and how she thought that i would make it in music, so i'm going to do that for her. i am going to get everything we talked about and dedicate it to her. wether she's here with me physically or not, i know she'll always be watching over me and i will never forget her and everything she did for me. i love you alenah. i love you love you love you forever and always.
 

UberSkitty

cuz I got banned from gen 8
is a Contributor to Smogon
It's been less than a month since I last posted here so I looked back on my last post and realized none of that shit has gotten better. I've been in college for a few weeks now and I continue to be a total mess. I've missed or at least been late to most of my classes due to oversleeping, being bad with directions, or zoom deciding to be an asshole. My floor of other performing arts majors have developed their own community and I'm not a part of it. I barely talk to them, staying in my room on my laptop all day. I don't even go to the cafeteria for food most days. I just have that bowl of cereal in the morning and maybe some crackers. And that's not to mention when I do go shopping I get carried away and buy a shit ton of junk food. That is not doing any good for my physical shape, I get tired so easily. My dorm is on the 18th floor and we've already had two fire drills in which I had to walk down those 18 floors, with my legs shaking before I'm even halfway. I'm worried to leave the campus because when I did to go to a nearby Walmart I took the bus going in the opposite direction, proving I'm terrible with directions. I've done very little with the friend I mentioned who was going to the same college, despite her living in the same building only three floors up. She's apparently managed to make friends with her floor, unlike me. I don't even go to therapy anymore, the most I have are my case manager and psychiatrist. I even get irritable when talking to my mom on the phone. I've also been inconsistent with taking my morning medications, and the only reason I remember to take my evening medications is that it's what allows me to go to sleep. And that sleep often doesn't even last long without me waking up early and trying to go back to sleep, which takes a long time. The things I've cut myself with have only gotten sharper, with me having recently bought a sculpting knife for art class. As for said art class, I'm doing a shitty job in it, while everyone else knows what they're doing. I feel like the thing keeping me from jumping out my window is how thin it is and how little it opens, on top of having an extra screen in front. In general I'm thinking about suicide for most of the day, finding some reason it fits in wherever I am. I'm beginning to punch walls, even with the fact that I would have to pay for damage in mind. I continue to look up jokes and memes on suicide, depression, and self harm, but I'm starting to see the same things repetitively. There have been days were I feel like I've gone crazy and just go back to acting like a middle school kid online too. I just press random buttons on my keyboard and enter for no reason. I continue to be useless to the PU and Pokemon Games communities too, despite how often I'm online. Sometimes I wonder if I should've taken a gap year, only to remember I'd still be sitting around and being lazy all day. People tell me it'll get better, but I just don't know how much more I can handle if it's going to take so long.
 
idk if this is the right place but i'm honestly feeling really hopeless rn, especially with the current state of affairs. i legitimately don't understand how people can be happy rn. is it ignorance? who knows. like i honestly don't know why i bother with college and trying to get a job when there's no hope for the future anyways. i've tried practically every wellness bullshit you can imagine (eat healthy, therapy, take pills, exercise, etc.) but nothing has worked, at least in the long term.
 

Atha

I COULD BE BANNED!
It's been less than a month since I last posted here so I looked back on my last post and realized none of that shit has gotten better. I've been in college for a few weeks now and I continue to be a total mess. I've missed or at least been late to most of my classes due to oversleeping, being bad with directions, or zoom deciding to be an asshole. My floor of other performing arts majors have developed their own community and I'm not a part of it. I barely talk to them, staying in my room on my laptop all day. I don't even go to the cafeteria for food most days. I just have that bowl of cereal in the morning and maybe some crackers. And that's not to mention when I do go shopping I get carried away and buy a shit ton of junk food. That is not doing any good for my physical shape, I get tired so easily. My dorm is on the 18th floor and we've already had two fire drills in which I had to walk down those 18 floors, with my legs shaking before I'm even halfway. I'm worried to leave the campus because when I did to go to a nearby Walmart I took the bus going in the opposite direction, proving I'm terrible with directions. I've done very little with the friend I mentioned who was going to the same college, despite her living in the same building only three floors up. She's apparently managed to make friends with her floor, unlike me. I don't even go to therapy anymore, the most I have are my case manager and psychiatrist. I even get irritable when talking to my mom on the phone. I've also been inconsistent with taking my morning medications, and the only reason I remember to take my evening medications is that it's what allows me to go to sleep. And that sleep often doesn't even last long without me waking up early and trying to go back to sleep, which takes a long time. The things I've cut myself with have only gotten sharper, with me having recently bought a sculpting knife for art class. As for said art class, I'm doing a shitty job in it, while everyone else knows what they're doing. I feel like the thing keeping me from jumping out my window is how thin it is and how little it opens, on top of having an extra screen in front. In general I'm thinking about suicide for most of the day, finding some reason it fits in wherever I am. I'm beginning to punch walls, even with the fact that I would have to pay for damage in mind. I continue to look up jokes and memes on suicide, depression, and self harm, but I'm starting to see the same things repetitively. There have been days were I feel like I've gone crazy and just go back to acting like a middle school kid online too. I just press random buttons on my keyboard and enter for no reason. I continue to be useless to the PU and Pokemon Games communities too, despite how often I'm online. Sometimes I wonder if I should've taken a gap year, only to remember I'd still be sitting around and being lazy all day. People tell me it'll get better, but I just don't know how much more I can handle if it's going to take so long.
I've been through almost the exact same thing last year (and I'm one year older than you), so I feel you so much.

V2_LI.jpg

Here are my grades from the end of last year. This is absolute horseshit, and worse than the first part of the year. I was a snail at that point, missed many classes, cried pretty often, wrote about how I felt that life didn't make sense at all, and how tragic it was that non-depressive people tended to agree, meaning they were unbelievably stupid. Also just like you my sense of direction is hot garbage and I would often be late because of it.

At the end of the year we have an exam, which is one of the hardest exams in france ; only like 4% of participants get it. In order to get into those 4% you had to work harder than everyone else, stay at school to work every day from 8am to 10pm. I felt like there was obviously no way I could possibly get it considering that I worked 1 hour every 3 days so around the middle of the second part of the year I wrote to the school's director that I wanted to end the year properly to start the next one on a good basis, but that I couldn't do it without abandonning the two classes that were the most desperate : History and Litterature. He said ok but come to the classes and try to do what you can in the other subjects.

I kept not doing shit, and quarantine obviously didn't help lmao. The exam was postponed, I completely stopped working (see my results), had a horrible sleep schedule and diet, the usual. But then something happened. Two weeks before the exam a friend of mine talked to me and said we could go to his country house where we could work our best in a burst of pride. We did it and worked incredibly hard for one week, like every day from 8am to 10pm ; and it didn't even feel bad because we were having some fun.

Here are my results at the exam
InkedENS Lyon_LI.jpg

I didn't get in the 4% obviously, but I got a "sous-admissibilité", meaning I was in the 15% best roughly, which is insane.
Now I feel good and confident again, I didn't find the meaning of life but no one ever did so it's whatever really.

All of this just to make you understand that it doesn't take too much to come back from what you're going through. All it takes, and hear me out because it's extremely important, is NOT BEING ALONE. If you have one friend make sure you spend some time with them, same for your family or whoever you like spending some time with. If life has meaning, it has to have something to do with friendship and love (wow that sentence is pretty cool). Second advice : things obviously won't change alone. To get out of it, you need a big change in your life that can make you change your habits: moving, discovering or rediscovering a passion, starting to play sports regularly, etc. Humen are made of habits, and sometimes they need to be shaken up. If you happen to move for example, take that opportunity to change your habits, don't let it slip away. Control your time spent on your computer, take meals at normal times, sleep 8 hour per night, play sports (physical activity is very, very important) ; all of this is actually so simple.

Fucking do it
 

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Eyan

sleep is the cousin of death
is a member of the Site Staffis a Top Tutor Alumnusis a Social Media Contributor Alumnusis a Forum Moderator Alumnusis a Community Contributor Alumnusis a Tiering Contributor Alumnusis a Contributor Alumnusis a Battle Simulator Moderator Alumnus
Hello, so I've never been someone to post about my issues in a public space (usually in private discords or in pms with good friends), and people that don't really know me probably don't know I had issues to begin with. But I've had such a journey throughout the past 10 odd years that I finally feel comfortable enough to share and document it here.

Before depression even came into my life, I struggled with major anxiety, especially socially. Any remotely negative remarks could make me cry in school, which only made me an even easier target for it. This was in 2010 btw when I was 12. I made a group of friends when I was 14 (all girls which will come into play later) then helped me cope for a bit. Fast forward to 2014 when I was 16, one of those friends became my first girlfriend and I couldn't be happier. But that was also the time a string of shit happened in school: I was accused of various things by the very same group of friends that helped me cope. They had no evidence and couldn't find any, so they let me off "lightly" with a suspension. Not sure if I should've been thankful. Because of that, I lost the only group of friends I had but still had my girlfriend. I wasn't clinically diagnosed with depression at this point yet but this is probably when it started. It hit me hard, hard enough to the point where I started cutting myself, I was out of it enough to jump off the 7th floor where my apartment was in an attempt to take my own life. I somehow survived due to the landing being all soft grass, and with no major permanent injuries. One of the most vivid memories that I woke up to was my girlfriend crying, which made me extremely guilty. I managed to pull myself together and try to live life properly again. This was also about when I found PS! and smogon, and funny enough these online interactions helped me immensely and made me learn how to talk to people better.

A year and a half down the road when we graduated the equivalent of high school, I broke up with my girlfriend. It wasn't anything major, but for those that don't know, Singapore has a mandatory conscription (serving the military) for 2 years for all males, so I was going to be doing that while she went to the states for college. We kept in contact but nothing much. When the 2 years were almost up, I lost 2 friends in a car accident and shortly afterwards lost a very close family member. Once again, I felt extremely alone and helpless. I had friends from Smogon but they realistically did not fill the void for me. The anxiety from playing the game didn't help. I ranted to some of them on discord and left off with some serious suicidal thoughts for a second time. The thing is, despite these online friends not filling the void, they were some of the truest friends out there. In my sleep, the friend I ranted to had informed some other people I was close to, including some smogon people I knew irl, in order to contact me. One of them from the states even called the police here and they showed up at my door at 6am. Again, I felt extremely guilty towards them, but my depression was still there and I was staying alive as a form of obligation to them.

A major turning point for me would be university. I was never the best at talking or involving myself with things, but what I knew I wanted was to make true friends irl like the ones I made online. I wanted to believe it was possible for me despite how things have turned out in the past. I took the leap to join as many things as possible that seemed remotely interesting. And it fucking worked. My anxiety issues still existed... a lot...but I finally felt that I had people irl to talk it out with and to support me. Not saying that people online weren't good for that, but I felt that there's only so much they can do without being physically here. Anyway, I don't know if it's because the people in university are older and more mature or whether I just got lucky. But I'm just glad I kept trying. Having people to support me gave me the time and energy to focus on other areas of my life, like what I wanted to do in the future. This was also when I decided to step away from contributing to Smogon. Those that know me definitely would know I was doing stuff almost 24/7 here. I knew it was just an escape and contributing made me feel like I belonged and could fit in with my friends.

I'm not saying that just because I found friends irl, bad shit stopped happening. During my freshman year, I briefly got together with my girlfriend again, but unfortunately, she got diagnosed with leukemia and passed on a while after. It was extremely painful for me to watch as she slowly weakened, but my friends supported me, and more importantly, I learned how to support myself. I learned how to push myself to keep going without thinking everything is pointless. A bunch of other things happened, but that's the idea.

Fast forward to now, I'm 22 in my third year and the friends I made as a freshman are still going strong. We have our arguments and my anxiety does pop up every now and then, but I can say I'm happy with my life. I keep myself relatively busy as well to drown out the bad thoughts while still giving me time to reflect. Also, I know what I want in life. The fact that I'm posting here also kinda shows that I learned how to let go of things here without completely just cutting myself off. In fact, I still talk to my friends from here on discord when I can.

Finally, to anyone that's struggling now, I can corroborate what other people already said where just having people there for you is an effective medicine. There is no guarantee when and where you'll meet good people, but keep pushing yourself to keep trying and taking leaps. I took a decade; some people might find it next year, some in two decades. The important thing about the question "will things get better" is that when it does get better, you'll know, but you cannot say for sure that it never will unless you decide to give up trying. After all, you gotta support and push yourself as much as others can. Hell if a wreck like me can persevere to this point, you guys can.

Thanks to anyone that reads this, in full or in part. Bye bye.
 
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phosphor

hopeless romantic
is a Tutor Alumnus
I suffer from major depressive disorder and I often find myself feeling like I'm trapped in a cycle of not having energy to do anything, panicking about what I'm supposed to do while simultaneously being unable to force myself to do it, and as soon as I exert myself a bit I collapse from mental exhaustion and I'm back in step 1 lol

I wanna get off phosphor's wild ride lol
 
This is going to come from someone who has been in the position of a lot of people here several years ago, and I want to share something simple that has helped me greater than any other form of treatment -- exercise.

I'm sure many of you have heard this before but it's damn true and is by far the best treatment to depression or just being in a shitty mood. By doing some exercise you enjoy (running, biking, swimming, weights -- anything) at least 6 days a week for 45-60 minutes, you'll look better, feel better, have more energy, and ultimately have a more positive outlook on life. No matter the season, get out and move and get the sunlight on your skin. We're all animals at the end of the day and need to be active to be and feel natural and positive. Even if it's cold or the weather is bad, who cares -- go out and do it anyways and avoid finding excuses for why you shouldn't do it. On top of this, working out is a way to pump out built up negative energy and relieve stress.

Basically, get moving and keep at it. Walking, running, swimming, hiking -- whatever you want to do. Yes you might be sore as hell some days, or might not be able to get up the stairs properly the next day. But both of these are far better than living inside of your head.

In any case, this phase of your life will pass. Just hang in there and work on it, baby steps.
 

Mr.E

unban me from Discord
is a Pre-Contributoris a Past SPL Champion
I don't have anything specific to complain about at the moment. I'm just feeling persistently low about the sad state of my nonexistent social life as real-life endeavors continue to go nowhere, online dating is literally a waste of 10+ hours of my free time weekly, and even my meager online social presence has been steadily shrinking by shit like being banned from Smogon Discord for no reason not to mention ostracized from other communities of recent too. I'm just increasingly unable to motivate myself to do anything but agonize over my crippling loneliness and social isolation, yet it feels entirely out of my control at this point. I try and it just doesn't matter. Ultimately, you can't force other people to like you.
 

UberSkitty

cuz I got banned from gen 8
is a Contributor to Smogon
2 weeks since I last posted here. Oh well.

I usually wouldn't post again so quickly but a lot has gone down online for me, despite the quietness outside my laptop. I've gotten a lot of messages from mods and other users concerned about my suicide jokes. I don't know if I've increased the amount I make or people have just grown tired of them, but the messages have consisted of "are you okay" to "you should have been banned a while ago". I quit PU (given it's only been like 2 days since so who knows how long that will last) since I didn't want to change myself in what was supposed to be my escape from society. But then I'm getting informed that I'm making people in other places uncomfortable, and I just don't know what to do. Part of me is starting to think I should be back in the hospital. Not because I think it will help, but just so I can have a group of people staying with me that aren't discomforted by all my suicide jokes.

When I finally decided to leave the PU servers on Discord it was hard, and soon after I had a meltdown. I started crying and cut myself deeper than ever before and later that day went to the top floor (24 or something) of my building to see if there would be an easy way to get to the roof. I saw a ladder, but heard voices in the area so I left. I can't confirm whether or not I would've done it. But then I started looking at suicide memes. I smiled, I laughed. Hell even at one point a fucking VeggieTales suicide meme brought me to tears. I guess it's time I tried to explain this insanity the best I can. I've been going to therapy for years now and have only gotten worse. The therapists ask the same questions, and the psychiatrists just use you as a test dummy for a bunch of different medications that never work anyway. These people are supposed to be professionals, and they don't seem to know anything except a couple of symptoms. But then you look at these jokes about wanting to die and it feels like you're finally talking to someone. Someone who gets the shit you have dealt with and are dealing with. And these jokes can be amazingly funny, and like I said before, make me actually smile and laugh. Some people find it fucked up, and try to argue with you about how it isn't healthy or whatever. But for you it's not about the long run that you gave up on long ago, it's about feeling better in the moment.

There are people with good intentions but are so set on their idea that they think this one thing can cure anyone's depression. An example of this is things like going for walks. Some people may find this soothing or whatever, but last time I went on a walk I spent it thinking about jumping in front of the nearest car. I also almost smashed my phone in frustration, I don't know if I've posted that yet. Eating is another big thing, which I can definitely say I have a problem with, even potentially a self-diagnosed eating disorder based on the definition Google gave me. I often go to the cafeteria only once a day, usually lunch, for a single slice of pizza, a couple of bread sticks, and some drinks. The food in my dorm isn't helping much considering I felt sick after drinking some milk a while back despite it not yet passing its expiration. But that's besides the point. I've been a picky eater since I was little, and someone telling me "just try new things" isn't going to suddenly change that.

When I share these suicide jokes and memes I have no bad intentions. I'm just trying to vent while not creating this serious environment everywhere I go. It's less soothing to awkwardly talk about what went wrong than to make a joke about it. And when you really struggle with socializing, it can feel nice and is much easier. But like I said before, if it's fucking with other people's moods in a bad way I just don't know what to do. There's one person in my life that I've mentioned before, the one three floors up but does nothing with me anymore, and this whole situation has at least opened my eyes up about the situation with her. She was one of two people I texted when overdosing (three if you count the vague goodbye to another friend), and according to other of the two people I texted, I had "broken the ice queen". I thought she could deal with it but I bypassed her limit. She doesn't want to experience what I put her through again, and I can't completely blame her.

Some other random things in my life:
  1. I've managed to start drawing again, with my hands shaking much less. However, even then after I'm finished I just stare at it almost trying to find where I messed up and how I can insult myself.
  2. Today I had my first meeting with my college's psychiatrist, and the meeting ending with her saying I need more than what the college has to offer. Something about me being able to call 24 hours a day or something. When she asked what was holding me back from attempting suicide, my answer was that there aren't any reliable ways in the area.
  3. I've been listening to Pokemon themes a lot, sometimes it feels good to imagine yourself as some anime character (even if you aren't a weeb) that's just going through some arch. That and some of them are catchy as fuck.
  4. My sleep schedule is terrible, so I've been missing classes in the morning. I've also thrown up after taking my melatonin, screwing up my sleep even more. The last time was last night, and I ended up pulling an all-nighter.
  5. I often imagine myself putting myself in danger for others. A guy tries to rob a bank so I walk up to him and convince him to teach me how to shoot, so he gives me his gun and I either give it to someone else and call in the cops or just shoot him. It's fun to imagine even at what is technically the age of an adult.

But back on subject, the reason I decided to post again so soon. I'm not going to say I'm right. I can admit I'm pretty fucked up and can be selfish. But sometimes fucked up problems can take fucked up solutions. Some people have realized this, others haven't. Running around telling people the thing that calms them down is wrong is just, well, wrong. But this isn't the part where I start ranting like I know what I'm doing. Because in all honesty, I don't. If I did I wouldn't be scaring so many people with my dark humor. But hell, if talking to this random person about my problems isn't going to help and same with these drugs that have more letters in their names than there are in the alphabet, is it that wrong to want to be happy? Is the slight demise of others really worth it? Like I said, I just don't know.
 

Celticpride

Destiny Realized
is a Live Chat Contributoris a Top Team Rater Alumnusis a Social Media Contributor Alumnusis a Super Moderator Alumnusis a Community Contributor Alumnusis a Smogon Media Contributor Alumnus
I feel myself starting to slip. I think COVID is starting to get to me more than it has been.... I’m currently furloughed and for the first time since like, 2016 I don’t know what my next step is. I thought I was going to wait things out and go back to my job but now I don’t even want to. I miss seeing my friends, I miss seeing people’s faces without masks on, I miss going out to bars, I miss going to games with my dad. Just needed to talk out loud I guess. I hate interviewing, it’s a stressful waiting game. This all just fucking sucks.
 

Ninja

Formerly Ninjacalibur
is a Tiering Contributor Alumnus
Idk what I expect by posting this, but I kinda want to document my situation:

I've suffered with social anxiety for a long time and depression for the last few years. I struggle a lot to talk to people in real life, and because of that I constantly feel like I don't belong anywhere. I dropped out of uni (partly because of anxiety and lack of motivation, and partly because of having no idea what I want to do) and I spent the last 3 years working a job that I hate and that won't really take me anywhere. I don't really have any hobbies or interests, and whenever I try something new, I end up giving up when I encounter any small hardship .
 
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starry blanket

The Blanket
is a Community Contributor Alumnus
i have a long history of depression. felt better the last year and a half or so. considered my self no longer depressed, honestly. the last couple months the COVID stuff, isolation, loneliness, etc has really weighed heavily on me. i miss having a life. it was hard to get to where i got after being so depressed for so long, and nobody ever told me that once i got better there was a chance everything could go back to shit.

i edited my original post since there were too many personal details.
 
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lighthouses

Chasing after dreamers in the clouds
is a Tiering Contributor
Just had my first panic attack in more than a year, i thought i was rid of it. This quarantine situation undid all of the progress ive made on my mental health, i hate it
Even thought i am not new to these things and i dealt with it well its still a shitty reminder of all my previous problems creeping up on me again and it feels so hopeless.
Im okay though not looking for sympathy, just wanted to complain somewhere
 
I'm really bad today. Everything irl and ivl looks to be totally disconnected from my negative feelings that I don't feel concerned by the world and excluded from the rest. I have never been diagnosed with depression but I have a general sensation of void and negative feelings since my 15 years old. Sometimes, it's going better, sometimes it's going worse and these last months have been the worst consecutive one for years.

Lately, something else disturbed more than what I'm used to. My brother has been diagnosed with a skin cancer. I don't specially have a good relationship with him even if I hope obviously he will be better. In fact, I'm more worried for myself. If my brother got that disease, it's due to a long exposure to sun in a hot country during childhood. That also has been the case during my childhood. I sought for every beauty spot on my body and I'm worried without knowing if I'm paranoid or if I'm right being worried.

I could see a doctor but my father is already an emergency doctor. This is really far worst for my situation. Despite his knowledge in medecine, he loves consiparcy theories. During the first months of coronavirus, I heard everyday a new version of how the virus has been created by humans or how it's a plan to make compagnies richer. When he learned first for my brother (who doesn't live with us), he told my mother to not be worried because he was diagnosed by a machine and we cannot trust machines. Therefore, I don't trust him to be careful about my case.

I also know that my mother would be very worried and stressed about me because she loved me a lot but would finally rely on the advice on his husband in staying worried. I also know that maybe I have nothing and it's also probable, at least, currently. I would be ashamed if my father learned that I went to an other doctor for no reason, only because I was worried. I could finally go to a visit myself without letting my parents know but it's something I never did before and which looks difficult to do without knowing how it works.

This drained my whole energy for my studies these last days and I did basically nothing today. I always wear a social mask irl and ivl to look happy because people are happier if they see someone happy. However, it's getting harder and harder. I don't have much people to talk to outside of my family/showdown because I basically got rid of all my irl friends these last months as long as my bad feelings affected my mental health. I had to write a post to have at least somewhere where I can summarize my thoughts and somewhere where people know how I'm feeling right now. I don't know if people who read this post as to see it as a cry for help. Don't feel forced to. I'm not alright right now and I don't really know what I want.
 

Pak

hydeout
is a Site Staff Alumnusis a Forum Moderator Alumnusis a Tiering Contributor Alumnusis a Contributor Alumnusis a Past Smogon Snake Draft Champion
I honestly don't even know where to start, but here we go. I've been depressed off and on since roughly my junior year of high school. It's been especially apparent recently and I've been feeling myself start to spiral again, so I guess I just felt compelled to formally get down my thoughts somewhere to know what I need to do to get back into one of those elusive positive swings again.

I've always been a really quiet kid and a lot of it has been due to accumulated social anxiety. Growing up, I always had my tight knit group of friends through elementary school and middle school, at least on a social level. We'd hang out and do whatever, mostly just fucking around and having a good time. The thing is though that while they all evolved into the people they eventually did, I just grew further and further away from all of them as we moved into a huge ass high school. Despite being 'well-liked' a lot of those early years, I always had this deep-rooted fear of getting bullied. I mean, it makes sense given all the horror stories and shit, and I'm not trying to belittle anyone who's been through those kinds of awful situations, and that's exactly the kind of stuff I was hoping to avoid. From age 15ish on, I just had this natural fear of not being accepted in whatever capacity, so therefore I would never feel good enough for those around me. I'd be on the same 'level' or whatever as whoever I'd talk to in that time frame, but I progressively just got worse and worse when it came to social anxiety and simply being comfortable in my own skin. Now, I always had my group of friends and all that, but it was really just people I'd play sports with or talk to in the halls or whatever. I was all but closed off emotionally, due in large part to just wanting to be universally accepted and liked, which of course isn't 100% realistic.

I could make this part like 500 paragraphs and have to a decent amount of people on this site, but I ended up going away to a college where I didn't know anyone beforehand. It was a smallish private school (which naturally was not cheap by any means), and in my head, it was the perfect setting to 're-invent' myself, and be that kind of person I always hoped to be in high school. Very very very long-story short, it didn't happen. In fact, it would've been really flipping hard for it to have gone any worse. As many dingus 18-year-olds do, I was wayyyy off when it came to picking my initial major, and jesus christ I nuked almost all those classes out the gate. Luckily, I did have a solid cushion from gen ed dual credit classes from high school, but between my shitty grades and eventually switching majors down the line anyway, it essentially boiled down to a lost year academically. So, based on that, you could objectively say I threw money on a fire for a year, but it was college, at least I had fun right?

Simply put, no. That aforementioned social anxiety just kept compounding on itself, especially with the constant feeling of the academic failures looming over my head. Like I said, I could go on and on about this whole year, but I'll try to keep it shortish. My first roommate was international, and he naturally got pretty close to the other international kids, and I was kind of the odd man out in those circles despite my initial efforts. He ended up moving out, and after living on my own for a bit in the dorm, I was assigned a new roommate. We actually hit it off pretty well and I consider him to be a pretty good friend to this day. The thing was though, that despite our common interests and social chemistry, I always had that looming feeling that I'd be stepping over some kind of boundary or whatever whenever he asked me if I wanted to do something with him and his close circle of friends. The thing was that I actually got along well with all of them, but that feeling just wouldn't leave me. Blah blah, I kept turning down offers to hang out and he eventually stopped asking me because he just expected 'no's after a certain point. It remains one of my biggest regrets to this day, because by the time I knew I wouldn't be coming back to that school 100%, I really just started to give less of a shit and ended up having some good times with all of them.

The thing was, it took a lot to get to that point. I had never ever ever felt more alone, and this is coming from someone who'd never had a 'close' friend and never really realized it. Like I said, I had been all but closed off emotionally, and didn't see anything all too off about it. It took a lot of miscellaneous crying random nights to come to the conclusion that I wasn't right mentally. I sought out therapy through the school, which was ultimately kind of fruitless to be completely honest, but exploring my own mental issues at the time was a positive in of itself. Speaking of, a big part of this recognition was ironically my roommate's girlfriend. She was legitimately the first person I opened up to and grew an attachment towards, a feeling I had unknowingly desired after all this time. Naturally, feelings started to develop, but out of respect for my roommate and her, who were by far my best friends on that campus, I kept my feelings in check and simply tried to enjoy the academically-meaningless time I still had left that second semester. On top of that, there was always this feeling that she had developed some sort of attachment to me, which I tried to ignore, but many of my friends that I talked to about it were pretty keen on her showing some signals. Again, I tried to ignore them and moved on.

I've talked about this a lot more in depth with some people on here, but I don't want to include all too many details. Long-story short again, I was pretty drunk one night late in that following summer, and she snapped me. She essentially led me on, purely to find out if I had feelings for her, and it really really hurt me emotionally considering she was the first person I had ever really confided with on that kind of level. I blocked her and tried to forget about what I considered to be a 'rock-bottom' of a year for me. I transferred to the college in my home town, moving in with my parents again, and basically went through the motions, still reeling from that interaction over the summer. I legitimately hated my life.

Fast forward to the following fall, where I was still not 100% alright emotionally because of what had happened, and I had a very forgettable year which happened to be fine academically. After a super tough summer of working roughly 65 hours a week between landscaping and dishwashing, it my freshman year of college started to weigh heavily on me again. I made the decision to reach out to my old roommate's girlfriend. I just wanted to get everything off my chest, about why and how what she did hurt me. The thing was though that she was the only person there for me when I needed it more than ever, and I told her because of that, she could always talk to me if she needed anything. I'm not going to go into detail of what she said, but she had long been through depressive stages herself and that year hiatus of not talking to her saw her in some deep depths of it. Ultimately, it felt like a huge huge huge weight off my shoulders, and that I could finally accept all that happened my freshman year, whether it was the 90% bad or the 10% good. All that suffering brought about an important lesson. The hard times are shitty of course, but you can't just put your tail between your legs and try to forget about it. It's especially crucial to take whatever negative experience and try to make something positive of it.

Here we get to the last year or so, which up until coronavirus happened, was one of the better times of my life. For what seemed like the first time, I was happy with who I was, and at my new job, which constantly forced me to interact with new people on a daily basis, I ended up meeting some really good friends. As one could expect, coronavirus did kind of derail all my progress to that point and I found myself in that same type of isolation as I'd grown accustomed to for years. A big thing though was that I really wasn't expecting to stay with this grocery job for so long, hoping to get an internship or something over the summer, but those hopes were completely thrown to the wayside.

----

Alright so here we are today. It seems like there's always some kind of tipping point for this stuff, and for me, it was Sunday the 4th, when I found out that one of my old high school friends, as well as another really good family friend, had both passed away over the weekend. This high school friend wasn't someone I was particularly close with, but he was another one of my friends that I was constantly talking and laughing with. The key connection here was that he was one of the first people I ever worked out with around age 15 or so. If you know me in any capacity, you're probably familiar with just how important fitness and lifting has become for me over the years. It was especially apparent that god-awful freshman year, where it was my only outlet to do something productive and get away from the day-to-day pressures for some period of time. I spent what was basically late Sunday to Wednesday just crying and crying. Every time I would go to work out, it would be impossible not to think of the amazing times we had together. Back then, as a very skinny kid, it was one of my life goals to bench 135 lbs, as limited a goal as it may sound. I must've failed it 10 different times with him spotting me, a smile on his face every time. Needless to say, I've come a long long way since then, but those are the types of memories that really stick out given my passion for the activity. He was just such a positive influence on everyone around him and it was completely devastating to find out that he had overdosed.

Like I mentioned, it served as some kind of tipping point for me. For months and months, I had felt that something resembling that same gradual downward spiral which crept up that hell-spawned freshman year of college, and it all came to a head as of late. I'm not afraid to say that over the last couple weeks or so I had been drinking out of nothing but pure angst or sadness. I don't believe I'm anywhere near the level of depression I felt back then, but it's honestly my worst fear to fall into that same feeling of uselessness and eternal depression. I don't want to fall into that same cycle where my only fulfillment is hitting x arbitrary number in whatever lifting exercise. Where all this ties in with those 19 context paragraphs is that the worse my depression/anxieties start to creep, is the worse my social anxiety is. This is especially apparent given that I'm supposed to graduate college roughly a year from now, and I don't have any experience in the field. Also, moving out hasn't been made any easier with the current climate of things.

Idk who the fuck would read all this, but it was important for me to get it down somewhere to reference in the future. The thing is, it's so so so so much easier to get down on yourself and be sad than it is to go the other direction. I don't know what it is, but it's just something I've noticed over the years. Like I've said to this point, there are people I've told all of this shit to some extent, and shockingly, most of them are friends from this website. I'm not scared or embarrassed or whatever else to say that my closest friends on an emotional level come from here. I can't thank them enough for their time and willingness to give me guidance or simply an ear to bitch into, but at the same time, I'm tired of doing so. I hope this marks a point where I can legitimately pivot and shift things back into the right direction, and for Logan's sake, I swear I will.

If anyone on here needs someone to talk to, I know what this type of worthlessness feels like, at least to some extent, and I can't stress enough how helpful it is to practice introspection and simply talk about all your bullshit from time to time. For those purposes, my discord is pak#1187, don't hesitate to reach out if need be.
 

Max. Optimizer

free to be the greatest
is a Forum Moderatoris a Community Contributoris a Live Chat Contributoris a Contributor to Smogonis a Smogon Media Contributor
Moderator
While I've occasionally posted in this thread here in the past in order to respond to the posts of some of my fellow forumgoers, I don't think I've ever really talked about my own case and experiences with depression. It's strange sometimes, isn't it? More often than not, it admittedly feels easier to evaluate the situations of the fellow human beings in your entourage than your own, doesn't it? Then again, I suppose that one can help themselves by helping others.

The currently ongoing autumnal season of 2020 marks my 10-year "anniversary" of my struggle against this pestilential societal illness and I figured that it'd finally be the right time to evaluate the last decade that simultaneously felt like an eternity and yet flew by with frightening speed.
Have some of you experienced this as well? The occasional apparent loss of space and time?


Back then, in 2010, I was only 18 years old and I was in the process of starting my final year of high school, or so I thought.
I started developing panic attacks as a result of years worth of bullying on the part of fellow students and teachers.
I had never dared to tell anyone, out of shame and out of fear of being considered "weak".
I had beyond the shadow of a doubt reached my breaking point after all.
I just couldn't endure it any further and lost balance, both physically and mentally, falling into a deep hole of regret and guilt.
I ended up dropping out of high school, since my panic attacks simply rendered continuing in this environment impossible for me.
In my case, the psychosomatic complaints would manifest themselves in the form of severe vertigo attacks, especially in warm and crowded places.
I thought that it was unfair. Why do exhausted people have to work extra hard to get back on their feet?
My guilt would only grow further, as I felt that I was nothing but a financial bother that had brought shame upon the family.
I started taking the prescribed Cipralex medication to help me deal with my anxiety, but anti-depressants only develop their effect slowly.
I wished that I had never been born at all and I thought that my family would be better off without me.
I felt like nothing but a shameful burden after all, but I ultimately decided against taking my life.
I ended up having fortunate in my misfortune, as I was able to sign up for online classes, allowing me to finish my final high school year digitally.
Yes, this is in a sense similar to what many students from all over the world had to resort to this year, given the current Covid-19 situation.


In hindsight, I think that the turning point came when I finished my final high school year in 2014 and signed up for online university studies.
It had indeed been quite a while since I had felt my last true sense of accomplishment.
Prior to that, my last feeling of achievement had been getting my driver's license, as well as a car, at the end of 2010.
In hindsight, it were these little things here and there that kept pushing me forward.
The feeling of becoming more and more autonomous definitely helped rebuild and improve my self-esteem.
Staying busy like that also helped me steer clear of "silly ideas" that inactivity tends to put into people's heads when they have too much free time.
I still reserved just enough of free time to keep thinking about my future and planning in advance.
I'm 28 years old now in 2020 and I'm currently studying my final semester after having studied with this online university for 6 years.
Even though my cretinous high school teachers had advised against it, I settled with language studies.
While I had already been quadrilingual in 2010 (Luxembourgish, German, French, and English), I had managed to add Spanish and Mandarin Chinese to my linguistic répertoire during my university studies and I finally had worked out my calling: translator.
This gets to show you that everyone can forge their own destiny and that other people oftentimes can't tell you what you can or cannot do.
Another significant boost came when my girlfriend Sephirona inspired me to change my diet in order to improve even further.
The body and the mind are closely linked. "Mens sana in corpore sano", "A healthy mind in a healthy body". Nutrition and physical activity definitely help more than one would think.

All in all, I still have a considerable path in front of me, but many efforts and sacrifices have been made to even get this far and I feel proud.
While it may seem that a human life being born on this speck of a planet in the middle of nowhere in space is relatively insignificant, it should still matter to yourself and the people in your entourage. It is a gift that one shouldn't carelessly throw away, that's one of the many lessons I learned during the last decade. I'm free to be the greatest, I'm alive. In addition to this, I also accepted what happened and I don't feel any resentment towards the aforementioned fellow students and teachers that had helped conjure this mess. Hatred and vengefulness are treacherous roads that'll eventually lead you to even worse dead ends.

I'm curious to find out what the next decade will have to offer me.
To myself, in 10 years.
 

Rubyblood

Fighting Demons.
is a Tiering Contributor
I never thought to speak about it here on smogon because I always associate smogon with a hobby and not with the private one. But I saw that people are lonely and that a lot of people need help so I talk about me now.


To explain my background in general. I had a difficult childhood, I grew up without a father and without a real example in my life, I had to build myself on my own with the help of my mother who did her best and I would never blame her.


My family situation, most of us all have a mental problem from personality disorder to schizophrenia.I lost innocence very very quickly by very significant events such as my mother's suicide attempts and having been beaten by my mother's partners.
I kept everything on me throughout my life and didn't tell anyone about it before doing it with a few friends out of discord unfortunately it affected my mental health. I had several analysis like bipolarity, personality disorders but finally after being seento several psychiatrists and therapist I'm borderline. This mental illness me suffer every day. It makes my social and romantic relationships very difficult.

I used to be a lot drug in the past and it was really hard to overcome, I thought I would die. I lost a lot of friends, opportunity to be successful in my life or to find love despite this I managed to advance in my studies. I quit school 2,3 times but I always went back afterwards and I'm finishing my last year hoping it goes, to return to my illness


I have tried to separate this and my own personality and it is still very difficult, Im a hypersensitive and impulsive person. I am still very fragile mentally and I know it. I feel everything stronger than average and it makes me pitiful. I think I have done a lot of harm in those around me and I do not want to find this excuse because I am sick but know that I do my best every day to survive and give the good around me.
I also lost friends on this game due to my toxic behavior, I got very paranoid and very aggressive when they were my friends and who have been there for me but unfortunately I think it is better this way .I have to work on me and even on this game I sometimes have very toxic attitudes but I also work there, I hope for people who know me to see a progression. I think that over time I just kept the pain to myself too much and that I ended up not having confidence in myself and in life. I don't want to be excused but to be able to understand where I got to become what I'm now.

I attach great importance to my intellectual and physical . So I struggled for a very long time to learn to love myself and to be honest I hate myself deeply. It happened to lie or hide things from me out of shame in the past
But at the level of this I progressed and I started to accept reality, every day is a fight for a better way. I have great friends in my life, I helped my mom not to give up ,I'm doing an internship , I really enjoy it and I'm doing a training to become a sports coach, these are my only pride at the moment. I have also suffered eating disorders during my life, anorexia, bulimia and I know how much these people suffer so if I can help some people to feel better about their body and their mind a little I would be happy. There is still a lot to tell but I'll stop here

I would like to send a positive message to everyone,, Try every day to understand people and their actions, because everyone has their story and their experience. Currently I have no resentment for some people even though I had very harsh words towards some people and I apologize. Everyone must have this choice to move on or to give up. And for people who are sick, depressed or whatever the problem, I give you a lot of courage so that you can be happy or accept your life and live with it. I encourage a lot of people to speak here, I think it can be that positive.

Rubyblood#1399 , if you need to talk or want to know more about my life.

Take care of yourself and your loved ones in these difficult times.
 

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