Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread

[Katy]

I never considered to type my own fair share in this thread, but times are really tough recently,

i have depressions since a long time already and today it hit me even twice with having also weather induced problems + the fact that i always had issues with my self esteem / confidence also goes a long way. the main part of it is that i got heavily bullied in the past and that i do not feel appreciated by others since the bullying happened. and i feel sometimes i just fail alot at anything i do, be it in the past, currently, or in the future. the feel of being a failure always hit me hard in the face. i have psychotherapy but even with it it's still a tough task for me what to do.

i just hope things are going better not only for myself but also for other people here. but i feel its still a long way for me to get better, since pandemic doesnt make things easier.

usually i am the one to cheer up people and motivate them, despite what i am going through myself, but right now it is anything but easy to maintain a somewhat 'positive' mindset at all.

everyone here: reach out for help, if you need to, and stay safe!

and thanks for reading that

 

[Max. Optimizer]

I never considered to type my own fair share in this thread, but times are really tough recently,

i have depressions since a long time already and today it hit me even twice with having also weather induced problems + the fact that i always had issues with my self esteem / confidence also goes a long way. the main part of it is that i got heavily bullied in the past and that i do not feel appreciated by others since the bullying happened. and i feel sometimes i just fail alot at anything i do, be it in the past, currently, or in the future. the feel of being a failure always hit me hard in the face. i have psychotherapy but even with it it's still a tough task for me what to do.

i just hope things are going better not only for myself but also for other people here. but i feel its still a long way for me to get better, since pandemic doesnt make things easier.

usually i am the one to cheer up people and motivate them, despite what i am going through myself, but right now it is anything but easy to maintain a somewhat 'positive' mindset at all.

everyone here: reach out for help, if you need to, and stay safe!

and thanks for reading that

I can definitely relate a lot to your message, I was in the same situation a decade ago.

In my case, the severity definitely was caused by me keeping everything to myself out of fear and shame of being considered "weak".
The fact that you acknowledge and accept the situation you're currently in is actually already a notable step into the right direction.
"Einsicht ist der erste Weg zur Besserung", as they say in your language, "acceptance is the first step towards improvement".

As the French thinker Pierre Corneille would say: "Le temps est un grand maître, il règle bien les choses".
This basically translates to: "Time's a master, but it regulates things", as in "it lets them happen when the right time has come".
In that sense, take all of the time that you may need.
You don't owe anyone an explanation or a justification.
You do you.

Just continue making the best out of your situation.
Keep moving forward.

Ich wünsche dir viel Kraft, Geduld, und Erfolg.

 

[ishtar]

I don't often frequent these discussions and I never really imagined myself posting in them, they're usually a bit too heavy for me. I'm very private about my personal life and even if im quite easy going on this website, very rarely do I like going into detail about things, but this one time I felt like making an exception.

Happiness.

I've dealt with depression and anxiety since I was around 14 years old. Though I was able to obtain psychological help and overcome my mental illnesses for a long time, I always had the constant fear of this feeling coming back, and it would once in a while. Even in periods in which I was in good health I'd worry about the moment in which feelings like this would resurface, as I knew that they would. I dont even mean this in a pessimistic way, more so just knowing the fact that slumps of time would exist in which I'd inevitably feel really fucking shitty.

At the start of last year I decided to go back to seeing my psychologist but our sessions stopped taking place due to COVID. I was mostly trying to figure plans out for 2020, and well...obviously most of those went to shit along with the whole world, including a reunion with my then girlfriend of 2 years, whose from another country. Even though I had the option of continuing to receive the help I wanted through a virtual medium, i just didn't feel comfortable with the prospect and stopped getting help altogether.

Thanks to a pretty addictive personality and awesome online friends that I've met on this website, what definitely was the worst year of my life for me and many felt a lot less gloomy. I actually developed close bonds with a lot of amazing people and learned a lot about myself, but I still managed to pretty much do nothing with my life outside of continuing my career in a setting that was incredibly unfriendly and uninspiring thanks to the online restrictions.

Days just started to feel the same, and I was increasingly finding myself distant from most things I used to love. My passion for writing and music were pretty much gone and I didnt even feel like sharing a lot of time with my significant other due to a series of small problems that started adding up. I even really started hating mons from a competitive standpoint in general even though that was my source of fun for such a big portion of the year, feeling which I maintain 90% of the time to this day and has made me quit for the most part. Despite this I was developing new interests: I found out that im bi, developed a strong love for chess and I finally got back to listening to a lot of new music. I just knew that the tides were turning at the end of 2020, and that the changes I had to make to feel happy again were gonna hurt, a lot, like the metal going thru my body when I cant quite stop moving cause im having a panic attack. Its sort of like knowing that the task of moving is a difficult one, but also the only way for the bomb to not blow up. (I say this while I type this whole thing on my phone while moving around my house cause its also the way my brain functions better).

This year, I decided that due to differences in so many life experiences as well as my increasing need for distance, that it was time for me to stop being in the relationship I was in. It was initially meant as a break, but as time has passed in which I've been figuring myself out, I'm noticing that this is definitely gonna be a lot more prologued than I implied, may I say permanent. And there's things I have yet to tell her and things that will inevitably make us break when that conversation happens very soon, and just having that in mind is a lot to take in...There are silver linings, I started writing again and feeling incentivized to do things like finally learning how to drive and reconnecting with some irl friends, as well as developing a thing with a boy who I'm recently attracted to, and thats all great and all till I start panicking about everyone and everything and then I fear fucking everything up.

Unfortunately, I'm as neurotic as ever, and while I'm trying my hardest not to wrongfully rationalize every little thing that happens in my life or overwhelm those around me, I find myself still hurt from a lot of past situations such as my breakup or those days in which I cant write cause my brain won't stop buzzing like a fly tryna pass thru a window unsuccessfully for hours....

Just wanna have some quietness to make these big and not so big decisions and start this year right, and ill continue striving for that and get the proper help I need. I've always disliked the concept of new year's resolutions in general actually, at least from the standpoint of having to set an imaginary date for people to decide that they gotta work on their shit, but I felt like I had no other choice right now if I wanna make it lol. But I've been remembering this line from a song: "There is a crack in everything, thats how light gets in".

I know that change like this isnt supposed to be easy and im working on myself which is a great thing, but its so hard as well. If we're close, pls be a bit patient w me, ik im a mess and I love you lots for the times u stand and not stand my bs whenever the appropriate circumstance arises. And to those struggling, im wishing you nothing but so much constant love and health. I know ill be able to find what I need, eventually. In the meantime, lots of sighing, and "Punisher" on repeat.

 

[ausma]

I would like to share something with you all.

The song I linked above is "Exhale" from Celeste, the credits theme of the game. Just a few days ago, I completed my run of the game, and had a visceral reaction to finishing it. I will describe my thoughts and feelings on it below; of course, beware of spoilers.

Spoiler

Celeste is, simply put, a masterpiece of a game with an incredible message. While games like Okami, Super Paper Mario, and Persona 5 resonate with me on a very deep level, I never reacted to any of these games remotely than the way I did with Celeste. It is a game that speaks brutal, yet honest truths regarding the endeavors of identity and depression.

Badeline and Madeline both represent a very truthful, deep duality in depression and how it manifests in the individual. Playing through the level "Reflection", particularly, proved this to me, and above all else, demonstrated how terrifying, steep, and lonely the fight against depression and yourself can be. At the end of the game, Madeline faces Badeline--herself--head on, and instead of trying to run away from her and get rid of her, she chooses to accept her, and work with her instead of fight her, leading to the two together to be able to climb Celeste Mountain in just a single level from rock bottom.

This game's message paralyzed me upon my playthrough, and upon reflecting upon the game's message earlier today, I had a meltdown as every single feeling and thing I loathed about myself that I had been trying to run away from confronted me head on. I don't believe I ever experienced something as overwhelming as this in all my life. I was on a walk, simply listening to music--Celeste's OST, specifically--and was suddenly flooded with flashbacks of every mistake and feeling I've felt the past few years, and how lonely and tired I was of fighting myself. I was staring my Badeline in the face as I sat against a building and cried many painful tears. I had never seen myself so clearly in my life, and that terrified me. I had spent years running away from the things I hated about myself; my anxiety, my paranoia, my fear, and my self-destructiveness, and to stare that head on was overwhelming.

I started to take deep breaths as then Exhale played out. My thoughts became clearer, and with it, I started to understand just what Celeste's message actually was referring to: self-reconciliation. We all make mistakes, and in some sad, extreme cases, those mistakes can manifest into a whole new beast and version of yourself that you despise. That beast appears terrifying, but at its core, it is a reflection of a lonely, anxious, terrified version of us. We make mistakes... but it is important to be able to forgive ourselves and realize we can grow and come into our own; and, above all else, it's important that you work with yourself instead of fight against yourself. It is an arduous, difficult journey, and one that I still need to take, but that much has grown clear to me, and maybe I can finally start to understand myself and what has led me into feeling the way I have.

Celeste is most likely my favorite game of all time, or at the very least, is in my top 3. I know this thread isn't for game reviews, but it brought out something in me that I never could understand before regarding my depression, and while I still don't understand it, I feel that maybe I can understand it. But, the first step is to stop hiding.

I hope this helps you in your own journey. If you haven't played Celeste yourself, I highly suggest that you do so. It is a game that has spoken an incredible message to me, and was super fun in the process. I feel as though many of you here would appreciate the game itself and its message.

 

[anaconja]

i've been sitting looking at an empty post screen for 30 minutes now so here goes

honestly can't tell if i'm depressed now but i think i definitely have been since at least around the end of 2018 (junior year in high school), maybe earlier. it was a combination of crushing schoolwork, college prep, and my dad (will get to him later), mostly. since covid started and high school became significantly easier this feeling has subsided to more of a numbness, i'd describe it as floating at sea after narrowly surviving a thunderstorm - relatively safe but with no land in sight and no indication of whether there will be any soon or whether i'll just be pulled under anyway somehow.

college (especially being on campus) seems to help my emotional stability a lot. the problem is i am pretty much completely alone - i have no roommate and i pretty much stay in my room all day (doesn't help that all my classes are currently online, and most activities are also online or cancelled entirely). i have a lot of social anxiety: i never really had many good friends, and it's very difficult for me to keep conversation. perhaps it's because of some condition i have - i didn't learn to talk until i was 3 - and/or because i didn't get much guidance - most of my early elementary school years were spent doing math and vocabulary workbooks, playing violin, playing tennis, etc. this might sound familiar to some people because it's like the literal stereotype of like the "asian overachiever."

all of these things were pretty much pushed onto me by my dad, who has basically planned a whole plan for me, from exactly which courses to take to the jobs/internships to interview for, regardless of whether i can/want to do them. originally he wanted me to be a doctor, complete with the biology/medical plan but when i showed more interest in programming later he revised it to a computer science/economics dual major. he very rarely takes no for an answer - usually insisting that i want/like so-and-so job or course until i have to say i don't, and then saying i need to do it anyway because without this exact plan i won't get a good job and support a family. usually he gets pissed and says something along the lines of "i'm just doing this to help you i get nothing out of this" or "i know you'll hate me for this but you'll look back and thank me in the future" or compare me to a relative or friend or some other person he knows who did something other than high tech and can't find a job right now.

it's funny for him to say that all he wants is to help me when this has happened in the past:

• he threatened to lock me and my sister in the shed outside for the night (and almost did so)
• he hit both of us a lot, once with a wine bottle
• he made us lie to the police when they questioned us (because my sister wrote about previous incident at school); he got off free, only having to take an anger management class
• he's called me "autistic" and/or "retarded" several times
• broke my computer screen and then took six weeks to fix it
• in around february 2019 i had a breakdown (because of him) and said that i couldn't find a reason to live; he brushed it off, saying that i need to better appreciate what he's done for me to live in such a nice city and "one of the best schools in the country" (to be fair, it is a nice city and it was a nice school)

recently he's gotten a little better - he doesn't hit me anymore and sometimes he apologizes for his "heated moments," but also he keeps asking me to feel sorry for him because of some reason i forgot. and the thing is, i'm afraid to tell him off because i have and still depend on him - he's well off, paying my college tuition, he's written my resume and hired people to help me with whatever class or college essay i need help with, etc. and he makes sure he holds this over my head.

and to be fair i'm not a saint either: i've run into a lot of problems because i play games too much, to the point of getting lower grades (not failing, mostly b's and b-'s and two c's) and losing an internship because of it. i'd like to say it helps me escape my situation and maintain my emotions but i hesitate when now it takes up at least a majority of every day (and i've been staying up for probably a year now playing games). i will say it was the only hobby i picked up myself, because i've basically burnt out of all the hobbies my dad has pushed on me.

even though the feelings of hopelessness and dread are no longer common occurences i still have problems with staying motivated and focused for school, even in courses i enjoy. i still have times where the voices in my head will tell me everything is my fault. mostly i just don't feel that much though.

i've tried therapy a couple times. the first was talkspace, which i didn't like because i just kept receiving questions (though when i think about it maybe i came with the wrong attitude, idk). the second was a couple months ago with a college counselor, and that didn't work out well either. it was probably because i didn't tell her enough, saying mostly that i felt isolated on campus, to which she told me to just ask a classmate to have lunch with me.

i'm not sure how good this advice is. i got the same advice from a friend and again from a streamer i watch, but every time i think about doing it i keep imagining me coming up to a person and asking them to hang out with me, and them just asking, "why?" to which i have no answer. plus that i wouldn't have anything to talk about except like games (which i can't even hold a very long conversation either).

i'm starting to feel more comfortable being alone all the time, which is kind of scary. i'm afraid i'll turn into a hikikomori or a neet but i don't know how to stop this monster of a situation i'm in right now.

sorry if this is hard to read i'm writing this at 3:30 am

 

[Maia]

I don't usually write about my problems in a forum as public as this, but with college approaching quickly again, I'd like to just get everything out.

Long

I've struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time. I'm nineteen years old at the time of writing this, and was first put in therapy at the age of 13. It should have been sooner tbh, but I was (and still am) incredibly ashamed to have to ask for help. I suppose that's one of my biggest problems, not wanting to ask for help, either because it makes me feel inadequate or because I don't like to bother people with my problems, especially if I know they have their own problems to deal with.

So for a bit of backstory, my parents got divorced when I was nine years old. My mom moved out, 200 miles away from us. We only saw her for a maximum of six days of the month most months for like eight years. My dad worked a good job, so we were financially comfortable, but that job meant that he left early and came home late. Most days he'd eat dinner and go straight to bed. My sister and I pretty much raised ourselves and our younger brother in the absence of a consistent parental figure. Middle school was a pretty harrowing time for me. I didn't have a strong maternal figure in my life, and my social skills were (and still are) severely lacking. I was the target of a lot of bullying, from name calling to having girls in my class prank me by pretending to set me up with a boy. It became incredibly hard for me to even think about going back to school. It was around this point that I was put in therapy, but me being me, left it as soon as I could.

High school made things worse in different ways. The bullying became less severe, but instead academic pressures were mounting. My dad met his now fiancee, and with her came her son, who is one year younger than me. He went to an expensive Ivy League prep school and was doing things like taking AP Calculus in his junior year. The comparisons started early, especially since he was pursuing a similar career path to me. It became instantly clear that my dad wished I was more like him, wished my grades were better, wished I was smarter. I applied and got into my dream school, the second best for computer science in our state. But that wasn't good enough, because his fiancee's son applied and got into the first best. Needless to say, my mental state wasn't great for those four long years.

When college started, things weren't so bad. It was a new school with new people and I had a chance to be a different person, a new person. The first semester went great, and I had a 3.8 GPA at the end of it. Then, of course, in my second semester, the COVID pandemic hit. I was suddenly trapped in my house again with my family. My grades started to suffer, and my mental state spiraled further and further downwards. I haven't touched at all on Pokemon Showdown and its role in my life at all, but it's worth noting that it was during this extremely low point in my life that I accepted the position of PS Wi-Fi Room Owner, which, to put it mildly, is a stressful room to own, but I felt I had no choice since the Room Owner who preceded me was eventually permabanned and there were few other options. That's not to say that I don't love the room and its staff with all my heart, but it probably wasn't the best decision at the time. That's another one of my bigger flaws, I want to make everyone happy and have a hard time accepting the impossibility of that, so it wears on me when I can't do it.

During the months of April-July 2020, there were several days where I couldn't even find the energy to get out of bed. I didn't eat for days in a row. I lost a lot of weight, and it got to a point where even thinking about food made me sick. TW it was during this time that I started self-harming, cutting nearly every day, sometimes more than once a day. I can say without a doubt that these few months were the lowest point I'd ever been at. My GPA went to shit, my mental state was beyond shit, and there didn't seem to be an end.

Truthfully, the only reason I was able to break that spiral was because I had support from some amazing people in Wi-Fi staff. They've all seen me at my absolute worst, and supported me when I was supposed to be there for them as Room Owner. Last semester, I finally swallowed my pride and went back to therapy. It still wasn't a great semester, and my GPA is still shit, but it was a better semester, and I'll take that.

I know I've been rambling on for a while now and I'm sorry, there's just a lot to say. What this all culminates to is me having an incredibly low self-worth to go along with my depression. People familiar with me may know that I have a habit of saying I suck, or that I'm stupid or incompetent or an idiot or any number of similar things, and I know that it can come off as a cry for attention, and maybe in some twisted way it is, but the reason I say those things is because I genuinely believe them when I do. It's hard not to beat myself up for every little mistake I make, no matter how minor. I've internalized the high expectations my father has for me, and hold myself to a standard that's higher than is probably healthy.

To conclude this ramble, I'd like to end it on a positive note, and say that I've made so many amazing friends through Pokemon Showdown/Smogon, from older friends from within Wi-Fi staff like HiMyNamesL and Billo, to newer friends I gained upon my promotion to global staff (which is a whole other story for another day), like Fart , Peary, and Felucia. I honestly wouldn't be the person I am today without each and every one of them.

Thank you if you read all of that. I know it's long and rambling and not super coherent, but I just wanted to get everything off my chest. I appreciate you all, and stay strong.

 

[Mako]

hi, im an introvert person when it comes to personal stuff but i suppose this thread is made so people can vent out of those ugly feelings

Spoiler

A lot has been through my mind lately which involves my past expeciences, everything started when i was 3, my father abandoned me and my family due issues with my mom, since then we've been just my 2 brothers, my grandma and her in our family. Ever since i have memory ive been missing him a lot, until he came back for christmas when i was about 9, and, to this day, i still consider that day the happiest one of my life, till he had to leave again, i couldnt stop crying about it every day, i never saw him again. My mom and him still have contact for other personal stuff, even though they're practically divorced.

My school days when i was around 10 were a bunch of unforgettable stuff, to begin with, i was the type of person that would literally never talk either in class and breaks, this could explain why i mostly did well in every subject but the feeling of being alone half of the day didnt really compensate my effort in my mind due my no talking, however i did make a few friends so i was mainly happy when it comes to school. Couple years after, at this point i've been hospitalized 3 times due a disease, and some day during class i was bullied for it, after running my way home to talk to my mom and say i never wanted to come back to that school, i lost all my 'friends' there, and had to sit out of going to school for a few months.

Christmas was one of the most waited days for me by then, since i always used to celebrate it with my uncles, cousins and a lot of more people, they always used to invite me and my family as well, however, there was a day, a day before christmas, my family and I were all ready waiting for a car to take us to go with them, we sat down and waited, and waited... till it was about 10pm and nobody came for us. My older brother got messaged by her girlfriend, who was with all of them, saying why we were taking so long, my brother replied that we were still waiting for a car, and she said there are a lot of free cars here so anyone could have taken you all already, that alone made us think no one of them cared for us, and we ended up celebrating christmas alone, while i started crying that i wouldnt get any gift, this was probably one of the biggest disappointments of my life. I havent seen any of the rest of my family since then.

Not much after, around 2012, my grandma, the person who took care of me during my whole life, passed away, this was also very tough for me to assume since she needed to be with me while my mom was at work, while she was also obviously very hurt.

Time after, we had to move due my mom's job, this meant i was gonna lose all my friends again since i didnt have any way of communicating with them if i was in another city, but i had to adapt, even if that meant i had to put up with anger and grief. I was about 15 at this poing and came to a new school, everything was fine but as my personality was the same as years ago, i could only make 1 real friend there. Years after, we had to move again, this time didnt affect me much, even though i dont talk to my friend anymore and didnt know anyone in the city, i went to another school for 1 more year, and once again didnt make any friend after finishing last exams a few months ago. There's more about my life but i dont want to make this too long.

I think about all of this and other bad feelings probably every night before going to sleep and its really getting stressful, i dont really know what to do about it
i think friends are what make life better and actually enjoyable so if you have any, please take care of them and dont mess things up, its the only advice i can tell from my experience

Lastly i want to apologize to anyone i have maybe not been the best person to in this site, im really sorry, when i joined this site the last thing i wanted is to make somehow 'enemies' and all i wanted is to make friends

sorry for taking your time, have a good night

 

[Katy]

sorry for taking your time,

Nobody here, not you or anyone else takes up our time, don't feel like that! Everyone here should take the chance to reach out! :)

 

[ZB7]

I wasn’t really sure if I wanted to post here but I really need to vent right now.

For the last 3 years, I’ve been a very pessimistic and upsetting person to be around. I don’t know why but I have been, and for the last year, it’s been really limiting for my socializing, and I’ve not been able to have a decent conversation without bring up death for a while, I’d say about a year now. I even get the majority of things I want but still, for some reason I continue to be miserable and I don’t know why.

For the last 2 months I’ve been begging my mum to let me die, not exactly sure how she could help me do it but I’m so sad and can’t really take life anymore. I have Aspergers and that also doesn’t help but I’ve not been teased about so I don’t really care and sometimes forget I even have it. Before writing this I was crying really hard because I feel so lost and have no where to go. What’s worse is that I’m falling behind in school because I’ve just been so unmotivated and I’m worrying about my future all the time, my whole life right now is just playing games to forget about how much I hate myself and my life right now. Everything’s crumbling and I just don’t see it getting better. I don’t really have anyone to talk to either, every time I want to kill myself my mum threatens to call the ambulance, and while it’s probably in good faith, she doesn’t see how they wouldn’t help me, but since I haven’t done it yet I suppose it’s working. I’ve gone to the hospital before about it but it was just 2 hours of waiting for someone to come see me only to tell me that I’m just going to have appointments with a psychologist. I already had been seeing one but I got discharged on my own accord because I didn’t see (and still don’t) how it helps me.
I know that I’ll continue to be pathetic but I suppose I just have to wait until there’s an opportunity for death.

If anyone read that all the way through, thank you. I’m not sure what to do but reading through this thread there’s people who have it way harder than me, so I’m very grateful that I have a life where my family at least loves me and I can play games and look at things I’m interested in.

 

[Katy]

is it selfish i want him to live for me and my family? i want him to live to see me grow up.

It is not selfish to think that way, you want to see your dad making your footsteps into the world basically. You want him to see you graduate, you do your best, you achieve things and he will be happy for you and proud of you, which - in all honesty - isn't a slefish thought at all. You want to see the world with him, going out to holiday trips, you, him and the rest of your family, and this thought is anything but selfish. I'd think that thought is actually pretty normal, nobody wants that something like this happens to a family member or a friend at all!

i feel like i've been such a failure if he dies and i've ended up like this.

You are not a failure at all. Your dad is proud of you, and not only him, your entire family and friends are. Why should you be a failure? You do your best to support him and the rest of your family, that is anything but a failure. Sure I understand your mindset and your thought, but don't blame all of that on you. You never did anything wrong at all! You are definitely and for sure not a failure at all.

Please don't think that way, even tho it is difficult not to feel or think that way, but you should not put all the blame on you and call yourself a failure!

thank you for reading, friends,

You do not have to thank us for reading through your struggles, we are all here to support each other! Stay strong! And I hope everything goes well for you, your dad, and your family! Have our positive thoughts!

 

[ausma]

hey. got some news today and i need to get it out

tw cancer and suicide/death mentions

my dad went to the doctor, and normally this is kinda common since he has a pacemaker for his heart. he gets device checkups all the time, but he needed to get checked all the way this time i guess. they found a huge growth on his kidney, and said its most likely to be cancer. i don't know much about this stuff, i for sure don't know much about cancer, but i'm fucking terrified. i don't mean to be a downer at all, most of the time i try my best to make others happy, but right now i just can't take anything. my dad's too young to die, he hasn't seen enough. i feel hysterical typing this. my dad cannot die, i love him too much. is that selfish? he isn't suffering, he didn't even know it was there... is it selfish i want him to live for me and my family? i want him to live to see me grow up. earlier after getting the news, i layed down in my bed and cried so hard i got a headache. i haven't done anything like that in a long time, but i woke up and saw myself clenching my hands together to pray. hell, i don't know if i even believe in some higher power, but whatever is out there i need them to help me. i feel like i've been such a failure if he dies and i've ended up like this. i don't want to be alive if i lose my dad, he is one of my best friends... but i'm sure i'm overreacting for a possibility, i've never handled death so personally. thank you for reading, friends, i hope your day goes amazing

I completely, and fully understand the place that you're coming from. My mom went through something similar, experiencing peripheral T-cell lymphoma, and that majorly dominated a lot of my sophomore year, and dictated a lot of my own life. This resonates a lot with me personally, so I want to provide what support I can give you to help you cope and push through this incredibly hard process.

Simply put: Katy put it phenomenally. You are not a failure and you are not selfish for not wanting to lose him; in fact, it's completely natural, and completely ok to be scared. The mere prospect of losing someone you love is enough to paralyze you, so much so that no matter what you want to say and do, you just... can't. But, experiencing that shock and being afraid is completely normal, and it's ok to experience those feelings. It's not wrong, and it never will be wrong to react this way, because the prospect of loss is fucking terrifying; there's no sugar coating that.

Something that I really wish I had when my mom was going through cancer, though, was a support system, and to feel validated in my feelings. Wanting assurance and support in such a moment of vulnerability is ok, and, frankly, I fully encourage being around your family and your friends throughout the process to help you cope and to help you push through this difficult, terrifying time. As I've already told you, my doors are always open to provide whatever love and friendship I can give; you're incredible and you deserve to be treated the same way that you treat other people. Never be afraid to reach out and just put your feelings on the table. Simply just talking about what you're feeling and what your family is going through can help a lot, and it's really great you're already doing that, as realization and honesty with yourself can really help you in the coping process. Similarly, don't be afraid to take some time to yourself, either, if you ever need it. Go about this and your feelings at your own pace, and never feel obligated to be around people the same way you're not obligated to force yourself to internalize everything. It's important that you put your needs first when it comes to coping, above all else.

Hang in there, and take it easy; we'll always be here to support you.

 

[Light Sanctity]

hey. got some news today and i need to get it out

tw cancer and suicide/death mentions

my dad went to the doctor, and normally this is kinda common since he has a pacemaker for his heart. he gets device checkups all the time, but he needed to get checked all the way this time i guess. they found a huge growth on his kidney, and said its most likely to be cancer. i don't know much about this stuff, i for sure don't know much about cancer, but i'm fucking terrified. i don't mean to be a downer at all, most of the time i try my best to make others happy, but right now i just can't take anything. my dad's too young to die, he hasn't seen enough. i feel hysterical typing this. my dad cannot die, i love him too much. is that selfish? he isn't suffering, he didn't even know it was there... is it selfish i want him to live for me and my family? i want him to live to see me grow up. earlier after getting the news, i layed down in my bed and cried so hard i got a headache. i haven't done anything like that in a long time, but i woke up and saw myself clenching my hands together to pray. hell, i don't know if i even believe in some higher power, but whatever is out there i need them to help me. i feel like i've been such a failure if he dies and i've ended up like this. i don't want to be alive if i lose my dad, he is one of my best friends... but i'm sure i'm overreacting for a possibility, i've never handled death so personally. thank you for reading, friends, i hope your day goes amazing

Hi lei, I do sincerely hope all goes well and things turn out okay! Many times when we face uncertainty in our lives and roadblocks we must overcome, which family and friends can help with. Just know that this community that you are a part of is here! Please do not ever think low of your self! You are truly an amazing individual. That I am 100% sure of!
(I love your art) :)

 

[bb skarm]

hey. got some news today and i need to get it out

tw cancer and suicide/death mentions

my dad went to the doctor, and normally this is kinda common since he has a pacemaker for his heart. he gets device checkups all the time, but he needed to get checked all the way this time i guess. they found a huge growth on his kidney, and said its most likely to be cancer. i don't know much about this stuff, i for sure don't know much about cancer, but i'm fucking terrified. i don't mean to be a downer at all, most of the time i try my best to make others happy, but right now i just can't take anything. my dad's too young to die, he hasn't seen enough. i feel hysterical typing this. my dad cannot die, i love him too much. is that selfish? he isn't suffering, he didn't even know it was there... is it selfish i want him to live for me and my family? i want him to live to see me grow up. earlier after getting the news, i layed down in my bed and cried so hard i got a headache. i haven't done anything like that in a long time, but i woke up and saw myself clenching my hands together to pray. hell, i don't know if i even believe in some higher power, but whatever is out there i need them to help me. i feel like i've been such a failure if he dies and i've ended up like this. i don't want to be alive if i lose my dad, he is one of my best friends... but i'm sure i'm overreacting for a possibility, i've never handled death so personally. thank you for reading, friends, i hope your day goes amazing

Statistically speaking your dad will survive (and probably make a full recovery), assuming this is kidney cancer. Since it seems your dad had no symptoms, it's likely this might have been caught in an early stage source which is incredibly favorable because catching kidney cancer (and just any cancer) in an early stage is absolutely key to beating it since it usually becomes an issue to get a handle on once it has spread around the body because it wasn't caught earlier. Kidney cancer is a really common form of cancer and a metric fuckton of research has been put into it. Just because he *might* have cancer doesn't mean he's going to die. I don't know how old your dad is, but it's worth noting that since you said he was young, the vast majority of kidney cancer deaths are concentrated in older age groups source and that bodes really well for a recovery once more especially considering like I said earlier it's likely you guys caught it in an early stage. I just feel like this is really relevant information that may help you out.

I'm mainly replying to this because my grandfather beat cancer himself; it's actually the main reason I study in the medical field. The experience is incredibly, incredibly challenging and I can relate to a lot of the feelings you've gone through. I felt like once I could keep things in perspective and just look at the reality of the situation I was able to have a much more reasonable outlook. The three users above touched on how you were feeling pretty well; you're not selfish for not wanting your dad to die and there's no way he thinks you are a failure.

 

[JALMONT]

Well, I didn't think I'd do it but I guess I'm here.

unorganised rambling

I've had symptoms of depression for about a year now, and recently it's been getting worse. I first noticed it during the early covid days. I noticed I had a lower mood and sometimes started tearing up for no apparent reason. At first I thought it was because I got rejected by a girl I liked at college just before it closed for covid (yeah, stupid, I know).

But today I don't even think about her, I'm definitely over it but still feel depressed. Looking back, one time I started crying and my parents basically invalidated me by saying that "everyone is struggling through these times, it's not just you". And now I start to realise that, to put it frankly, I was never validated as a child. Looking at my behaviour I always strived for any scrap of validation from my teachers, friends etc. But, another problem is that I have pretty bad social anxiety. This makes it really hard for me to connect with anyone.

So, Lack of emotional validation + Social anxiety = depression and severe loneliness.

Even on the Internet I struggle to connect with anyone, always feeling like I need to desperately struggle to be noticed or validated. But even when I do get a piece of that attention I desperately crave, it really doesn't make me happy.

I don't know where I'm going with this but nowadays I have really low mood and energy, and struggle to keep myself from crying. If I'm left undistracted for even a short time I fall into thoughts about my loneliness and the idea that no one will ever care about my feelings.

I guess I'm writing this because my friend told me it would help and I guess it kinda does. I might add more or write another post if I feel like it.

If you actually read through that, thanks I guess. I'm always on discord DKM#3769 if anyone wants to talk.

Hey man, I really resonated with your post being a seriously anxious person myself. I know it's probably pretty trite to say this, but I hope you seriously considering looking into therapy, especially for your social anxiety. I don't want to "diagnose" you or anything and I'm not saying that it's going to solve all your problems but there's ways in which you can learn to live with your anxiety to the point where you can still do the things you want to do in life without anxiety holding you back and convincing you that it's better and safer to avoid. I'd recommend looking into cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and you can even find CBT specific workbooks to look at if therapy is too prohibitive a cost. The idea behind CBT is that you "challenge" the thoughts that are distorting your own reality. A great example of anxiety is your thought that no one will ever care about your feelings. What evidence is there to suggest that's true? There isn't any; it's emotional reasoning - it only feels true. That's one kind of thinking trap that CBT hopefully teaches you how to recognize and live with. Being rejected by a girl is definitely disheartening but the reality is, it's also very brave to even do that in the first place. But because it ended in rejection, your brain is pounding you with these negative thoughts and maybe even saying you should give up on asking people out. CBT teaches you to challenge these sorts of thoughts and learn to think rationally about these situations; the truth is, yeah things didn't work out, but that isn't a reflection on you as a person. It does not doom you to eternal loneliness, no matter how much you might feel that to be the case. Even if you feel that therapy wouldn't be helpful to you, I'd encourage you to think about your negative thoughts and fears and think hard about if those fears and thoughts are grounded in reality.

Best of luck. Things are definitely not normal now but otherwise there is no better time period than college to practice getting out of your comfort zone and and fight back against your anxiety. It's a big regret of mine that I didn't do more of that when I was in school. And regardless, remember to be kind to yourself as much as you can.

 

[Band]

Hi. I haven't posted in I think 2 or 3 months so a little update because I seriously need to vent about this.

tw: death, family members death

Context: my mom had a first marriage where she had my older sister, who is about 15 years older than me (I'm 18 and yes my mom was a teen mom. this is a whole another conversation). Her dad was a piece of shit and eventually left to Japan to where his family was from and left my mom and my sister here in Brazil. He then remarried another woman there and had 2 daughters. They aren't related to me but we talk sometimes since they also learned how to speak portuguese from him. My sister has 2 sons, one's 4y old and the other's 10y old, and her husband is a nice guy. I love my nephews more than anything in this world btw they bring such joy it's ridiculous.

Start of January was normal until like the second week where I my sister got the news that her dad's condition had worsened. He had some kind of liver problem I can't really recall right now and had trouble urinating and was just in a lot of pain. He eventually died January 14th and my sister was really really impacted. I called her, she was crying a lot and I asked my dad to drive to her house. I spent the night there with her and my nephews to comfort her. Me and my nephews never met her dad so it wasn't as bad for us, since my dad is their grandpa now basically. So this was the first death from january.

A day later, the 15th, I get the news that my friend's dad died. He was young and healthy. He died from a heart attack. My friend tried to call the ambulance but they couldn't make it in time and his dad died in their home. I was... completely devastated. I care a lot about this friend and just imagining the amount of pain he was feeling I felt like I was feeling it too. I spent the rest of the day completely in shock and not even knowing how to react. I texted him and said he could count on me for literally anything, if there was anything I could do, I would do just to relieve his pain. I really wish I could see him rn and just hug him and say it's gonna be fine but I can't because of this stupid fucking virus. This death hit me really really hard.

Next day, 16th, my neighbor died. He was already very old (83y old iirc) and had some health conditions like having a pacemaker and only having one kidney. His nephew was caring for him since he outlived his wife and kids and eventually had to move out to live with his nephew. He was hospitalized not short after and died a few days later. The thing is, when he moved, he was basically fine. I've been living with my parents in my grandma's since 2016 because of reasons I stated in my previous post and when my neighbor moved, we decided to take the opportunity and rent his apartment. This was in december and we finished moving like 2 days ago because the house needed to be painted and the floor removed. Now, I feel like i can feel him in the house, and I'm honestly a bit paranoid about living there. Anyways, this one hit me a bit hard too.

Next day, 17th, my friend's grandma died. She was already of age and I never met her but she was still my friend's grandma, and I felt really bad for her. Made me think abt all the fights I have with my grandma and if I'm taking her for granted.

Jumping now to about a week ago, I got the news that my aunt had a stroke. She's actually my mom's aunt or something like that but me and my cousins always called her aunt. She's of age, she's abt 70 or so iirc and she had started to forget somethings here and there, which is normal for her age. I came to visit her a few days after the incident and that was when I really felt like shit. I don't want my aunt to die, I love her so much I don't know what I'm gonna do if she dies. I treasure her a lot. I constantly ask my mom how she's doing and she recovered a bit. Previously, she wouldn't even open her eyes, but now she blinks and that's the way her and her daughter communicate now. It's heartbreaking having to hear her voice in the video she sent and I just crumbled right then and there seeing my aunt like that. She always brought ice cream for Christmas and now I feel like every Christmas won't be the same anymore without her. I seriously feel like shit about this situation, especially since there's nothing I can do except pray she recovers.

I'm tired of people dying. Why do I have to lose people I care about? Why does my friend have to go through the pain of losing his dad? I never had to go through so much death in such a short period of time and it's just too overwhelming, I feel like there's a weight on my shoulders. I talked to my therapist about it but it didn't resolve anything and I'm just so scared of losing my aunt it's driving me insane.

 

[Katy]

Hi. I haven't posted in I think 2 or 3 months so a little update because I seriously need to vent about this.

tw: death, family members death

Context: my mom had a first marriage where she had my older sister, who is about 15 years older than me (I'm 18 and yes my mom was a teen mom. this is a whole another conversation). Her dad was a piece of shit and eventually left to Japan to where his family was from and left my mom and my sister here in Brazil. He then remarried another woman there and had 2 daughters. They aren't related to me but we talk sometimes since they also learned how to speak portuguese from him. My sister has 2 sons, one's 4y old and the other's 10y old, and her husband is a nice guy. I love my nephews more than anything in this world btw they bring such joy it's ridiculous.

Start of January was normal until like the second week where I my sister got the news that her dad's condition had worsened. He had some kind of liver problem I can't really recall right now and had trouble urinating and was just in a lot of pain. He eventually died January 14th and my sister was really really impacted. I called her, she was crying a lot and I asked my dad to drive to her house. I spent the night there with her and my nephews to comfort her. Me and my nephews never met her dad so it wasn't as bad for us, since my dad is their grandpa now basically. So this was the first death from january.

A day later, the 15th, I get the news that my friend's dad died. He was young and healthy. He died from a heart attack. My friend tried to call the ambulance but they couldn't make it in time and his dad died in their home. I was... completely devastated. I care a lot about this friend and just imagining the amount of pain he was feeling I felt like I was feeling it too. I spent the rest of the day completely in shock and not even knowing how to react. I texted him and said he could count on me for literally anything, if there was anything I could do, I would do just to relieve his pain. I really wish I could see him rn and just hug him and say it's gonna be fine but I can't because of this stupid fucking virus. This death hit me really really hard.

Next day, 16th, my neighbor died. He was already very old (83y old iirc) and had some health conditions like having a pacemaker and only having one kidney. His nephew was caring for him since he outlived his wife and kids and eventually had to move out to live with his nephew. He was hospitalized not short after and died a few days later. The thing is, when he moved, he was basically fine. I've been living with my parents in my grandma's since 2016 because of reasons I stated in my previous post and when my neighbor moved, we decided to take the opportunity and rent his apartment. This was in december and we finished moving like 2 days ago because the house needed to be painted and the floor removed. Now, I feel like i can feel him in the house, and I'm honestly a bit paranoid about living there. Anyways, this one hit me a bit hard too.

Next day, 17th, my friend's grandma died. She was already of age and I never met her but she was still my friend's grandma, and I felt really bad for her. Made me think abt all the fights I have with my grandma and if I'm taking her for granted.

Jumping now to about a week ago, I got the news that my aunt had a stroke. She's actually my mom's aunt or something like that but me and my cousins always called her aunt. She's of age, she's abt 70 or so iirc and she had started to forget somethings here and there, which is normal for her age. I came to visit her a few days after the incident and that was when I really felt like shit. I don't want my aunt to die, I love her so much I don't know what I'm gonna do if she dies. I treasure her a lot. I constantly ask my mom how she's doing and she recovered a bit. Previously, she wouldn't even open her eyes, but now she blinks and that's the way her and her daughter communicate now. It's heartbreaking having to hear her voice in the video she sent and I just crumbled right then and there seeing my aunt like that. She always brought ice cream for Christmas and now I feel like every Christmas won't be the same anymore without her. I seriously feel like shit about this situation, especially since there's nothing I can do except pray she recovers.

I'm tired of people dying. Why do I have to lose people I care about? Why does my friend have to go through the pain of losing his dad? I never had to go through so much death in such a short period of time and it's just too overwhelming, I feel like there's a weight on my shoulders. I talked to my therapist about it but it didn't resolve anything and I'm just so scared of losing my aunt it's driving me insane.

Hey I'm so sorry about all these things happening to you and your family and your friends. So many deaths in such a short time. I cannot even closely imagine how that must feel. I understand totally that you feel overwhelmed and it still has a huge impact on you and your emotions and moreover mental health, as you must feel overwhelmed from all of this. I hope you can visit your friend soon, so you're able to help him and also you guys can help each other. Just to let you know, we are all here for you.

Stay strong and if you need another vent go for it there is no shame in doing so!

 

[vivalospride]

I don't often frequent these discussions and I never really imagined myself posting in them, they're usually a bit too heavy for me. I'm very private about my personal life and even if im quite easy going on this website, very rarely do I like going into detail about things, but this one time I felt like making an exception.

Happiness.

I've dealt with depression and anxiety since I was around 14 years old. Though I was able to obtain psychological help and overcome my mental illnesses for a long time, I always had the constant fear of this feeling coming back, and it would once in a while. Even in periods in which I was in good health I'd worry about the moment in which feelings like this would resurface, as I knew that they would. I dont even mean this in a pessimistic way, more so just knowing the fact that slumps of time would exist in which I'd inevitably feel really fucking shitty.

At the start of last year I decided to go back to seeing my psychologist but our sessions stopped taking place due to COVID. I was mostly trying to figure plans out for 2020, and well...obviously most of those went to shit along with the whole world, including a reunion with my then girlfriend of 2 years, whose from another country. Even though I had the option of continuing to receive the help I wanted through a virtual medium, i just didn't feel comfortable with the prospect and stopped getting help altogether.

Thanks to a pretty addictive personality and awesome online friends that I've met on this website, what definitely was the worst year of my life for me and many felt a lot less gloomy. I actually developed close bonds with a lot of amazing people and learned a lot about myself, but I still managed to pretty much do nothing with my life outside of continuing my career in a setting that was incredibly unfriendly and uninspiring thanks to the online restrictions.

Days just started to feel the same, and I was increasingly finding myself distant from most things I used to love. My passion for writing and music were pretty much gone and I didnt even feel like sharing a lot of time with my significant other due to a series of small problems that started adding up. I even really started hating mons from a competitive standpoint in general even though that was my source of fun for such a big portion of the year, feeling which I maintain 90% of the time to this day and has made me quit for the most part. Despite this I was developing new interests: I found out that im bi, developed a strong love for chess and I finally got back to listening to a lot of new music. I just knew that the tides were turning at the end of 2020, and that the changes I had to make to feel happy again were gonna hurt, a lot, like the metal going thru my body when I cant quite stop moving cause im having a panic attack. Its sort of like knowing that the task of moving is a difficult one, but also the only way for the bomb to not blow up. (I say this while I type this whole thing on my phone while moving around my house cause its also the way my brain functions better).

This year, I decided that due to differences in so many life experiences as well as my increasing need for distance, that it was time for me to stop being in the relationship I was in. It was initially meant as a break, but as time has passed in which I've been figuring myself out, I'm noticing that this is definitely gonna be a lot more prologued than I implied, may I say permanent. And there's things I have yet to tell her and things that will inevitably make us break when that conversation happens very soon, and just having that in mind is a lot to take in...There are silver linings, I started writing again and feeling incentivized to do things like finally learning how to drive and reconnecting with some irl friends, as well as developing a thing with a boy who I'm recently attracted to, and thats all great and all till I start panicking about everyone and everything and then I fear fucking everything up.

Unfortunately, I'm as neurotic as ever, and while I'm trying my hardest not to wrongfully rationalize every little thing that happens in my life or overwhelm those around me, I find myself still hurt from a lot of past situations such as my breakup or those days in which I cant write cause my brain won't stop buzzing like a fly tryna pass thru a window unsuccessfully for hours....

Just wanna have some quietness to make these big and not so big decisions and start this year right, and ill continue striving for that and get the proper help I need. I've always disliked the concept of new year's resolutions in general actually, at least from the standpoint of having to set an imaginary date for people to decide that they gotta work on their shit, but I felt like I had no other choice right now if I wanna make it lol. But I've been remembering this line from a song: "There is a crack in everything, thats how light gets in".

I know that change like this isnt supposed to be easy and im working on myself which is a great thing, but its so hard as well. If we're close, pls be a bit patient w me, ik im a mess and I love you lots for the times u stand and not stand my bs whenever the appropriate circumstance arises. And to those struggling, im wishing you nothing but so much constant love and health. I know ill be able to find what I need, eventually. In the meantime, lots of sighing, and "Punisher" on repeat.

We don't talk very much because I find it difficult to connect with someone to an extent where I actively go out of my way to talk to them these days, but I can absolutely promise you that you're a ray of sunshine across this community and I'd imagine for everyone that knows you in real life as well. I've had pretty serious anxiety and depression over the past 3-ish years and I speak from experience when I say it is extremely difficult to not let those feelings control you and your outlook on everything in some way shape or form. I mention this because it doesn't surprise me that you've been dealing with these feelings because you've always come across like you're one of the strongest people ever despite doing nothing but being bubbly and nice all the time and showing no signs of struggle/obstacles in your way, you are a tank in ways I admire a lot. You are most certainly not alone, hope you're doin ok buddy, bap, etc.

Yes I did just see this post, my bad :pensive:

 

[Joker 1v1]

It's been more than a year, since I posted my first post on this thread. And about 6 months from my last post. I've been through a lot but I feel like nothing has changed. I'm on my 5th therapist, due to the others moving on or retiring. One thing they all told me was how I can learn from telling someone a story each time I tell it. Because my first post & my second feel now totally different. My first post was me showing my pain, allowing others to see I wasn't perfect. And as time went on, I told everyone because it felt so nice to have the support, but it slowly died down. I got exhausted of feeling exhausted every single time I had to explain it to someone. I was looking for a solution at that point not a shoulder to cry on. Which lead to me wanting to just vent, and about half way through my last post, I wasn't invested in finishing it. I just wanted to voice my frustrations. Now I've become so used to my horrible life, I spend some nights wishing I would cry and want to die, because I spent so much forcing myself not to...I feel robbed of my emotions

I had a therapist I saw for months, she was amazing. Her name was Stephine It's such an awesome feeling to have someone recommended to you and them live up to this great person and help you were told they were. Everything I said she understood and knew what I meant, (even when I did not) She would recommend things most would work. She wouldn't leave a session without making sure I had at least 2-3 things to work on. She didn't want me to feel like I was lost or wasting time. I felt beyond valued and cared for. I would understand so many things I never knew about myself. Then the day came when she brought up she was leaving...she told me that she was taking up a new job, as she was being promoted. Of course in hindsight from my prospective, she deserved it. But at the time I was so lost and felt a cold wave rush over me. You spend 8 months with someone each week, expressing everything and now you find out they won't be there....

So I end up having to try new therapists, none of them were as good as Stephine. But I gave them a chance, having to explain every thing that you worked with before, your story, your background, who you are. It sucks. I felt like I was waiting my sessions. I would spend a week or two for them to get to know me, then tell me they wanna focus on this aspect or don't know if we were the best fit. Then had to be on waiting lists for others and the thing repeats. I find someone who's plan is to help me move forward in life. And it was an alright fit. Not the emotional side I felt when I had sessions with Stephine, but I became more mellow. No longer was I at tears and happy after every session, now I'm aware of everything and being told what I should work on to move forward. That continued for a couple months, until last month where I was told she was leaving, so I've been without that for a bit. I saw a new lady last week, but I haven't made any more appointments due to recent events...

I live in Oregon, everything is pretty calm up here. Nothing bad nature wise happens much. At least for my area. But within the last 6 months...we had a wildfire, a windstorm, and a blizzard. Each are horrible on their own. But for someone who's homeless, has no transportation, and no one in their life whos willing or capable to help them, makes these even shitter. Having your world thrown upside down is shit on its on, but when everyone else's is, you become even more hopeless. Imagine having to spend all the money you just saved up, because all these bad things happened. Now you have PTSD over everything.

The biggest news, if anyone reading this remembers my previous posts. My ex-girlfriend. You know how much she meant to me and all that pain. Back in January, so almost about a year after everything. I get a text from her, randomly. And a couple "hi" or "heys". Some holiday stuff, and then her asking how I was. We texted for about 45 minutes. I explained to her how my life was and tried my best to sound positive and changed. She seems still like the girl I loved and cared about. Was nice to see that again and not remember it for once. She said she would check in on me here & there. But only got 1 text from since. At least it was me making her "lmao". But since I talked to her, and it was such a huge deal. After it happened, I went into this "now what?" mind state. And have been in that for a while. Now what am I doing? What do I do now? I think about what life could be if her & I reconnected some more, or if I moved on. What do I want to do with my life? I don't know...I feel so lost and directionless. I can't feel sad anymore like I use to, and I feel like I'm in the same spot I was months back.

Your life is halfway over, you can't change the past. People you grew up with are married, have kids, are happy. You are stuck being homeless, work hard at your job, want to do so much more. Not become these wise people you meet that tell you don't end up like them, but you continue to hit a roadblock that can't be passed. I've become so used to wanting to kill myself in the past, anything bad that happens, my first thought casually is, "I wanna die". Just wish I could figure everything out, and live out the rest of my days happy or with a purpose. Rather than depressed - Joker

 

[DrumstickGaming]

My depression comes and goes it seems. One day I'll feel really good and doing some productive things, but then I'll look back and see all the things I haven't accomplished and slowly repeat the cycle of downplaying myself. It is so easy to want to downplay myself, as I am so scared of going in the opposite direction or being arrogant. And then there's the status quo of work never really changing but it being there solely because it keeps me busy.

I also dunno what I want to do in life right now and am not sure of my talents. I've been writing and doing art on and off for just over a year at this point, but I'm somewhat frustrated with the book I'm writing involving both. Part of me wants to show it to other people a ton but the other part of me says keep it all in till it's done, which is the hardest thing ever for someone who desperately desires affirmation and compliments like myself. If by any chance a Discord Smogon friend is reading this post, I know I can go a little overboard about my creativity sometimes and I apologize for that. But really, anything nice you guys say about me - about my book or personality or whatever - keeps me going, and I can't thank you all enough for that. I cherish every nice thought, and I hope I'm never overbearing with my emotions.

As the days go by and things don't change, and when it's hard for me to want to change and try new things due to the fear of the unknown, it's sometimes difficult to know if things will get better. But I can't help they will, someday. Empathy, optimism, and encouragement are very undervalued in the current world when it's so easy to only look at the negatives. I've made a lot of friends through the use of Smogon and a lot of them have helped my self-image tremendously.

And if you're out there and going through some tough times, there's nice people out there who will listen - that's the best thing to come out of Smogon, more than any tier list or anything I will ever have a hand in publishing.

Thanks for reading, sorry if this post jumped around in topics a bit, didn't want to go too in-depth.

 

[Katy]

hey,

its (sadly) me again.....i just don't know where to go with my thoughts, but my entire mental health deteriorated a lot over the past couple of weeks and i just feel that im not worth anymore. i always have thoughts in my head that im not needed anymore and that i can't do anything productive anymore as well.

what also worsened is my health; currently i have a lot of weather inflicted issues making it hard to keep up with stuff too. the weather changes causing a lot of issues, not only headaches are an issue but also issues with my nerves especially on the hands (typing something with a constant pain in the hands isn't a blessing at all) and i just simply cannot always take painkillers against it, as constant painkiller use can leave issues on the kidneys and liver, therefore i am more or less stuck with that.

another issue, which recently popped up again is my anxiety against bacterias, basically a bacteria phobie. it started to getting worse, when the entire covid situation popped up. i act entirely irrationally towards that invisible issue, with that i mean that despite the fact i can't see the bacterias, i just feel very very uncomfortable being outside, going shopping in a grocery store, and being outside in general.
i tend to disinfect everything more than twice even, before i touch that object, which can stress out as well because it happens on an almost daily base.

all these issues just make me feel that i'm nothing worth and my depressions start to kick in again in a hard fashion. i really thought it got better with having therapy, tackling these issues, but instead it got worse the past couple of weeks, and i'm not entirely sure how to tackle these issues in a more effective way.

i just hope no one here feels worthless and not needed - you are worthful individuals, each and everyone, pls stay safe and moreover i hope all of you have success in tackling your problems.

thank you for reading everyone!

 

[magicarpe_lvl100]

I don't know.
I'm there sitting on a chair, trying to think on what should I put in this post, and whether it's actually okay to even write it and thus occupying space instead of actually valid people who need help and deserve it, or not.
But I need to do stuff, to fill a tiny bit of the absolute void that is my existence at the moment. So, there we go I guess... open only if you really want to...

Some dumb, hopeless, negativity-filled rant

It would be an understatement for me to say "I'm lost". I have no actual clue where I'm going in my life. All I'm doing is wasting my time, trying to distract myself from looking at the mess I've caused. Because yes, I don't see myself as the victim, but as the culprit. I'm the only one I can blame for spoiling everything.
I'm the one who's not working when I should. I'm the one who spends all his time doing useless, passive stuff on computer.
I'm the one who's not got the motivation to turn the tables around. I'm just an empty shell at that point. A slugg that can't do anything.

I've got no quality, no ability that would justify hiring me for any kind of job. I've also failed my second year of uni in a row because of my lack of motivation so it's fair to say I'll never get any kind of diploma at that point. I'm a parasite to society, a waste of money, a waste of oxygen.
I've never been sociable, but things will get worse. Who wants to affiliate with some... "thing ?" like me ? The answer to that is no one, of course. And I understand it fully. I mean, I, too, hate myself. Which means ultimately everyone will. I'm a pain to bear even for my relatives so... yeah.

Things won't get better. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. I'll continue my fall into oblivion until it all ends. That's everything I'm able to do.
I'll give therapy a last go before that, but I don't hope much from it. I'm a broken human being, the same way items can be broken, and I don't think it can be fixed. Was I doomed from the beginning or did I dig the pit I'd fall in myself ?
I don't know.
All I know is that I've pretty much given up at that point. And that I try to play a pokémon simulator to forget it. Spoilers : it doesn't work.

Thanks for reading, I really hate how it turned out but well, I've never done anything I don't hate for a really long time.
I just hope you're all doing better than me, and that you have a purpose and things to make you happy. No one else than me deserves to feel desperate in life.

 

[Machoke]

Life has been tough this year.

Spoiler

I pulled my hip flexor so I had to rest for a week, and then a few days after that I got covid, and then the literal day I got out of quarantine (staying in my small room all day so my parents wouldn't get it), I broke my toe. Had to keep working, so I was walking with a limp and then because of that I got tendonitis in the other foot. A trainwreck. Well, after all that (almost 2 months) I get my physical and they examine a mass that has grown in my body which has been concerning and painful to me and I'm going to get it surgically removed but the cost for that is possibly too much for me right now (still can't get an exact rate after like 7 phone calls with the doctor, insurance, etc. cuz of all the variables) and so I have that uncertainty looming over me on top of having to get surgery which is one of my biggest fears. Then with that concern there I get news a few days ago that my grandpa's bladder cancer has metastasized and he very likely doesn't have much time left. And this is all on top of having to deal with quarantine which has pretty much everyone isolated and depressed and a pretty draining job. I'm trying to find a way to cope with all of this and going to therapy has definitely helped but there are some things that therapy can't fix (the material/financial struggles of my current situation) and I just feel like I'm crushed to the point I've lost almost all motivation. I just want to get away and relax and not have anything weighing on my mind for a good month but it's not really possible right now. The only thing keeping me going right now is that I've been forcing myself to swim again now that I am finally healed enough to do it. Just venting and there's not really a solution to this I guess so gotta just keep on and hope things get better. :/

 

[Drangonn.]

Life has been...ok. I don't think I'm depressed, at least, but I don't think I'm happy.

I started college at a really good university with a scholarship this year. I live in a really nice part of the USA and have a great family and great friends and live my life at a higher standard of living than 99% of the population. But literally...sometimes I just question why I am the way I am. It's so hard to stay focused in a non-academic environment to me it's just ridiculous. Every time I do get distracted or do something "wrong" (literally so much as eating potato chips) I just feel this intense disgust. It's this paradox between wanting to be utterly perfect and not being able to keep myself focused enough to come near that.

I made it out of the first semester pretty well. But now midterms are hitting in the second semester and things are worse than they've ever been. I just can't bring myself to like myself no matter what I do. I feel guilty when my parents/friends/family say nice things about me. It's like I just want people to stop liking me so I can validate my own self-hatred. For now, I'm steeling my resolve to work harder (and for the Ls on these midterms) but shit man I just want to like myself in some way. I'm scared of myself, other people figuring out that this is how I feel about myself, and what it all means.

And above all I know that this is, in the grand scheme of things, trivial compared to people actually suffering from loss and legitimate mental illnesses but fuck me dude I hate that I am this way. It's like the only thing I can do to feel better is be actually on top of things but that's the one hardest thing to do. I could go on and on and on but yeah.

tl;dr I know I said life is ok at the beginning but honestly its probably subpar

 

[Osake]

Those last days were really difficult to live. I don’t like to take the time of people for stupid stuff like my mental illness but I guess that here nothing obliges them to read me so yeah I’m just trying to... externalize my bad thoughts.

I’ve tried to read some of the posts here, and it helps a bit to see that we are a lot to struggle with the shit that is life. It’s not a good thing, of course, I hope for nobody to be like this, and I hope for everyone that one day all of you guys are gonna feeling better, because we all have the right to enjoy life, and being happy. But it’s good to don’t feel alone, and to see that, one day, we can get out of that shit, because others did before. At least, that’s what I want to trust when I’m not too sad.


Well. After that said, I’ll just move on my thoughts. I’ve begin to be a sad person when I was 11. On the year 2016, I just lost the person I love the most on this earth. It's not my dad, or my mom, because I hate them, or my boy/girlfriend, because I never had this kind of thing. It was just my grandfather, yeah, 'only this', but it was really the person I like the most and with the one I was the closer. And when you're young, when you’ve never met death before, when you lost the person you love the most, it's really hard. Since that day, I've never been really good in my head. I've been really anxious about school, always wanted to be 'the best', basically because that's what my family expected of me, and I was often 'sick' because of that, and like in 2018 and 2019 I miss something like 120-150 hours of school just because of that anxiety, even if my results were pretty good. I started to see a psychologist during those years, to deal with that and try to stop being a snail 50% of the time.


Encouraged by this, I decided at the end of the school year 2019, before the first year of highschool in France, to stop my social isolation and try to 'sociabilize' because... idk it's kinda good I think. It was really really hard, when you've been ~alone 14 years, knowing that 80% of your class just hate you... because, and then started to talk to people, it's a big change in my life. Because of that, I slowly begin to move away from my family. Even if they were kinda toxic before, mostly because they weren't caring of how I want to be, just how they want that I’ll be, and just wanted that I have great results -it's my only value for them since I'm born, others 'qualities' that I could have are just distractions-, it wasn't really disturbing me because... they were all that I have, so to me it was just 'normal'. But when I met others mammals, I realize that yeah it was my life, my pleasure, not them.


Then it's just the beginning of my nightmare. I know it's not 'so big' compared to what some of you are living but okay I'm an hypocrite and a piece of shit I know so leave me complain about my stupid problems. Because I had some friends, I didn't tell everything anymore to my family, because that’s both adolescence and friends, so I think it's like 'natural' to try to avoid them a little bit, but they started to criticize me everytime, each time I made a little mistake, they told me I was basically a shit, never any encouragement for anything, a very little bit for school results, but yeah just destroying me everytime they can, sometimes for no reason. Then comes the confinement. Lol. Best timing. Being in that mood of feeling like a shit 24/7 during two months has been too hard for me. Like, of course, if it's for being bully each time I'm with them, I prefer to be in my bedroom doing whatever I want. But they don't like this, and it goes worse, and worse, I was never in peace, never rest, I was a selfish ass hole who was doing nothing, lazy, useless, bad, nasty, all that kind of thing that you are pretty happy to hear 8 times per days.


After one month I was already in a depressive mood. Can't say it was depression because it was just the beginning, but I've always been kinda mentally weak, and here I was just dead inside. I've stop to follow online lessons. I began to open my heart to some friends because hey that's why they are here. I tell them all my fears, all my life. I broke my sleep schedule. Getting awake until 2-5 a.m to discuss with people, think about life, search depressive stuff on internet. I continue like this until july, I don't remember all of that painful period, I thought a lot of times to just fled my family but yeah. You know what people tell. 'It's just a period, it's because you're 15, you want to fight your family, you exaggerate' and stuff like that. Which was maybe kinda true at this time. In july, we went in holidays with my family (because Covid is a joke, we are not gonna stop our life for a virus, eh. It kills people ? I don't care) and it was one of the hardest week of my life. I was just crying and destroying my arms everytime I was alone. When I wasn't, I was with them so just insulted 100* more than before. I think it's because of this week that my suicidal thoughts appeared. Because I understood that it wasn't 'just a period'. It wasn’t just ‘mood’. My relation with my parents was shit, and I knew I can't love them anymore. Because it was just too hard. And when you push someone to think to kill himself, he cannot still love you.

I passed through this week. I don't know how. I don't know either how I survive until the end of the holidays. My only hope was to go back to school, and see my friends, and just leave this toxic house.


But damages were done. I went back to school, and had the bad luck of being in a class with no one of my friends. I spent one month in an insane sadness. I called some of my friends during my evenings, because it was just too hard, and I needed them to don't... you know, make the mistake. I wasn't eating ; I wasn't sleeping ; I was talking about my death to often to my friends ; so two of them went in the director’s assistant’s office and tell her I was bad. After multiple convocations, with her, with the director, with my parents, the school accepted to put me in an other class. I choose it, telling that I didn't like philosophy (one of my specialities) (it was the only one I like lol) and want to take social sciences (that's not allowed but yeah suicidal thoughts breaks the rule), and I went in a class with some of my friends. I never thank those friends for what they've did, but I would probably be not still here today to depress if they didn't tell to the director how I was. It didn't help me so much, like I was still bad, but being in another class is pretty better.


It doesn't make me feel good, but it was a little less harder to endure. I still continue to depress, calling friends, eat bad ; one day, I was too bad to just go back to my house, and I spend two hours in a friend's house, to just cry, braving the curfew and all that shit, and I was able to just walk only after two hours. Then, my school results fell, of course. Because I wasn't able to work, wasn't able to listen during my lessons, because it was too hard to continue to live normally. I was just feeling that I was nothing. A shit who has failed his entire life. I'm currently in one of the best public highschool of France, and last year I was the first in my class. Today, I'm like 30 in a class of 35, mostly because I dropped out maths and physics with 9 average in both. I even lost the only value that I had for my family. They are telling me everyday that yeah, I'm both a selfish bitch and shit at school, unable to work or to do anything, and that I'm failing everything, which is true but because of who ?

And yeah today it's too hard to keep all that struggle in my mind. I have to put it out, even if it's useless. I'm still fighting, everyday, to don't make shit, don't hurt myself, don't kill myself, don't sink me too much in the darkness of depression, and it's hard, and it's so hard, and it's funny how people don't imagine one second how hard it is to just live. I know I’m only 15 and it sounds like ‘a teenage crisis’ but I’m pretty sure it’s not just ‘a mood’ and well if this is adolescence why this shit exists why does it make people feeling bad and wanted to die…

There is so much things I could have said, but it's hard to write about this, and anyways I don't want to continue to disturb you with my pathetic english level and stupid problems. I just want to tell that, even if it doesn't looks like, I'm trying to make efforts, but anyone who has already feel bad surely knows that's... it's really hard, and most of the time it's not enough to get out, unfortunately.



Well. Take care of y'all. Thanks for reading me. I hope that all your problems are gonna let you alone one day and that you'll all go better.

Take care friends

 

[Otak'out]

Hi,

I'm not writing this post to complain or be pitied, just to get it all out in the open, even if I don't understand anything.

At this moment my world is duller than ever, devoid of color, warmth and joy, yet nothing has really changed. I have friends, family, why isn't that enough? What's happening to me?

Since this harassment, nothing is the same anymore, and no matter how much I use violence to move forward, I see my smile every day, more and more distorted, disappearing, and my soul getting colder and colder. Yet, I should have overcome this discomfort and move forward, proud to have survived hell, but it is not the case.

My father rejected me too, I am not a man for him. I am a "bisexual jerk" to him, and since I dropped out of school, he doesn't care about me. Anyway, it's better than insults, we'll say, he prefers to drown in alcohol, and I sometimes wonder if it's not my fate.

I isolate myself, and this isolation will kill me. A song does not replace the shoulders of a friend. I can't tell anyone, I'm just nonexistent. My friends don't need me, my family doesn't need me, there is no hope, no one can save me. I don't know when, but I know that one day I will jump into the void.

The void has invaded me, and it will never go away, between questioning and frustration of not understanding, I am fighting against myself, and I will not win this fight, it will only condemn me.

I don't have any quality, no passion animates me anymore, and I am more and more aggressive and distant, as if I wanted to be hated so that no one would cry for me. No one will want a larva, for a job, to start a family. As if a trash can find love, it's completely grotesque. Who knows, if one day a spark of life is rekindled, maybe...

Thank you for reading me, and sorry for wasting your time.