Hello and salutations, friends! It's been a while, hasn't it? I had originally planned on giving a weekly update of life in the Ancients' camp but as I will tell you, things haven't quite gone according to plan. To be fair I suppose our plan in general was somewhat incomplete. You see, we tried to assemble a crack squad of the finest team chefs known across the 7 continents and half of Atlantis. Unfortunately, what we ended up with was a squad of teamsters cooking crack. As you all well know, if the clock ain't running, neither are they. We did manage to re-negotiate their pension to a partially funded 401K though, which should save on long term costs a bit. Anyway, I digress. Let me fill you in on what's been going on!
Each week, it seemed like the same routine. The week would start full of joy and hope, like seeing the first bud on a Rafflesia sprout out of the ground. We would laugh and dance, and attempt to make Pokemon teams out of discarded shells, hemp rope, and sunshine. They would never work, but we still tried, and trying is the important part. I believe an Austrian artist once said: "If you never try, you'll never find out what you're capable of!" Solid advice all around, in my humble opinion.
Like the Rafflesia though, as the flower bloomed, everything started smelling like shit. I tried to warn
MajorBowman that just because our team was the Ancients, it wasn't the best of ideas to use various tombs and burial sites as destinations for "team retreats". Things quickly came to a head when Bowman and
Tman tried to "Eiffel Tower" a mummy, but they confused the Eiffel Tower with the Sydney Opera House.
Paraplegic and I ended up spending a couple hours untangling them; I guess the Erotic Stretching wasn't as effective as we had hoped. The sum of all these endeavors was an absolute fuckton of bad juju, regardless of how many allegedly lucky amulets we
stole liberated from their graves. I'm surprised we were only struck by lightning 2 or 3 times, considering my penchant for attaching a kite to my dick and flying it in thunderstorms. It's the only way I can get off and get enlightened at the same time after meeting the world's only Tibetan Monk / Dominatrix; I highly recommend trying it yourself if you get the chance. But I digress, again.
Please don't misunderstand me though; not everything has been bad. Even though we're nearly entirely eliminated, we're still fighting hard to win every match. I mean that literally; we have to fight hard, since a certain someone spiked the Gatorade with Gator semen, powdered generic Viagra shipped from an unlicensed factory in Bangalore, and Cherry Blossom syrup stolen from Shake Shack, in a mildly misguided attempt to boost team morale. Entirely unrelated: if any gator asks, tell them I just ran out for a couple smokes and I'll be back for round 2 shortly. It worked for us last week at least; I won the hardest match I've ever fought, and the rest of the team seemed to respond well too. I even had to call my doctor 8 hours post-game as we were all still diamond hard, but all he did was congratulate me and ask me to come around to his place for a physical late Sunday night.
My time for writing this post is growing ever shorter, unfortunately. Since our season is still barely alive, Bowman has been riding us hard and making sure we fight to the finish. Unfortunately, he made a spelling error when giving us those instructions, and
miltankmilk is probably halfway to Helsinki as we speak. Any dissent was swiftly crushed, as I made the mistake of suggesting we just pull the plug on the season and start learning how to golf via Zoom calls (socially distance please!!). For that little outburst, I was put in the reverse chokey, which is like the one in Matilda except the spikes are inexplicably on the outside. In retrospect, it wasn't much of a punishment as I quite like being in small spaces. It gives me time to calm down each of my individual personalities, except for Jimminy Blumpkins, my 4th personality. He's high strung no matter what. Anyway, I digress again. I seem to do that a lot but I have a lot of thoughts, and this is the only place that seems willing to listen to them! We used to have story time with the Ancients, but that was quickly cancelled after I spent an hour detailing my exploits with a convent of Franciscan nuns. I still have 3 scars and a whole bunch of bad habits from the ordeal.
Even though the road has been bumpy and full of twists and turns, the journey is more important than the destination. Unfortunately, Journey broke up a couple decades ago and our season went about as well as their subsequent reunions. However, I thoroughly enjoyed my time on the Ancients. Alas, I must end this communication before I drone on long enough to be considered "problematic" by the FAA; I'm already on strike 2 with those fuddy-duddy flyboys thanks to a couple incidents with an out of control laser pointer and the Cincinatti Bengals (fun fact; they aren't actually cats and are only attracted to hand-eggs, not red dots!). Anyway, I digress again. I've had more fun than a barrel of monkeys playing in this DPL, and I didn't even have to roleplay as Bi-Curious George this time! Thank you all for your contributions to this thread, and please read the first letter in each paragraph.
