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Emergency Situations

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This is the funniest thread in post-firebot at the moment. Anyway...

You try fitting in a usb stick into the drive but you spend around 30 seconds trying to get it in. You're angry now. What do you do?
 
Take a hammer, hammer it in the USB drive, throw my computer at a wall, and run through the woods in the night tweaked and naked going by the name "Cocaine wolf"

For some strange reason, if you ever fart again, the world blows up. What do you do?
 
Put the pieces back together with duct tape, then blow the world up again.

You have a 10 page essay due in 10 minutes, you haven't started yet, and you have no idea what the topic is supposed to be.
 
What kind of teacher would assign that? Get them fired.

A loved one is right about to die and can only say one last thing to them. What is it? (serious answer and not "I love you" that's too cliche).
 
I cheated on you. They'll just HAVE to jump up and be full of life then!!


Scooting along extremely slow on an icy path or running a fuckin long way with no obstruction?
 
Run. I wouldn't want to get cold.

You are standing beside a small brick building at the end of a road from the north. A river flows south. To the north is open country and all around is dense forest.
What now?
 
Fly using your superhuman farts.

You just realized you have superhuman farts, what do you do with this power?
 
Use my superhuman farts at sideshows, carnivals, and circuses to make thousands of dollars, use that money to buy hundreds of greyhound bus tickets, and unleash hell on those poor souls stuck on that small bus for hours on a cross country trip.

You're one of those people on the cross-country trip?
 
You know that little emergency hammer they use to break the windows? Yeah, grab it, kill EVERYONE until it stops stinking of fart, and smash the windows to get out. You live the rest of your life hunting on the highways, eating the pummeled flesh of lonely travelers, never speaking to another human being again.

You're ambushed by a hammer-wielding maniac on the highway while riding alone on your car. WHAT DO.
 
What kind of car doesn't have a giant machine gun attached to the back of it? Duh.
Also.
Mutant_Midget_Psycho.png
Suspiciously alike...but I have guns for that too.

You must work out for 24 hours straight with no food and only a cup of water or a collar shocks you every 20 minutes. There is nothing useful in the gym you're in and all the exits have been blocked off. What do you do?
 
ZUMBA PARTY!!!!!!!

Your girlfriend you never knew was pregnant is in labour. Through her request you have to deliver the baby all by yourself, or she will set off a bomb that will destroy the entire hospital and everyone in it. And she's not crazy on birthing hormones...
 
Do nothing because any child of mine would be able to birth itself or die trying.

You need to fap to get to sleep, but your incredibly horny and not tired yet. You got about an hour before your going to go to bed but all of a sudden a pop-up of porn slaps you in the face and you've got massive blue balls from your love interest. If you fap now you won't be able to get to sleep in time to wake up for work. Fap or no Fap
 
EDIT: fap, and wake up early.

You're a guy, but one day you wake in the body of married woman. The minute you wake up, your "husband" is trying to have sex with you. What do you do with your "husband" and in general while having the woman body.
 
Make him a sammich. Then play with your newfound (not in your case SMZ) boobies.

You woke up in a woman's body and can't stop playing with your boobies.
 
use more lube, pull out, and ask yourself where did it all go wrong

Pop quiz, hotshot. There's a bomb on a bus. Once the bus goes 50 miles an hour, the bomb is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do?
 
do it like speed bitch.

After months you're now a fit woman, but still ugly (you're still stuck), and you find out the whole guy thing was just a thing your mind created while you were in a short coma. You're stuck for real, forever.
 
Hit the gas pedal as hard as you can and hope everything works out.

You were testing a jetpack prototype when it breaks 3000 ft. above a mountain range.
 
Use your previously acknowledged superhuman farts to survive.

You enter this world where a tattooed kid with freaky "elemental" powers and exotic creatures, and to top that all you have no way to defend yourself.
 
Use pure awesomeness to tame said exotic creatures and have them defend me. Also, lay off the drugs.

Anything you touch turns to gold. And nothing changes it back.
 
1- Learn to control it.
2- Alchemy bad guys.
3- Sell them.
4- PROFIT!

You're in court for murder and illegal sale of gold. What to do?
 
1. turn the judge and jury and anyone who tries to apprehend you into gold, too
2. Sell THEM
3. PROFIT!


You are now completely alone in a world filled with gold statues of all the people you once loved (and hated), and you feel completely empty and lonely. What now?
 
free parking

someone wants to buy your boardwalk property for $200. with what vocabulary do you tell them to fuck off?
 
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