Exclusivity in Relationships

all i can say is girls are a pain in the ass for things like this ( im sure girls think guys are a pain in the ass for this) how we ment to understand each other

girls like puppies and makeup guys like monster trucks and playing with fire WE ARE DIFFERENT!


Now onto a serous note i think you done the right thing i could understand if she said that on your 1st date she said oh im going out with another guy i hope you dont mind thats a little different but after 2/3 you start to think that its just you and her, At that kind of stage you shouldent have to ask is it "exclusive"( thats a horrible way to put it shes acting like shes gods gift to man) i totaly agree with what you have done to resolve the situation and your not alone in taht idea i would ahve done that without a second thought but chenman is right atleast she dident hide it otherwise that could have been even worse.
 
Objection said:
Examining multiple options? Is that what you call it? I've got a better name for it that starts with "cheat" and ends with "ing". More than one relationship at the same time, no matter how serious any of the relationships is, is cheating, which undermines the whole concept of relationships and is thus wrong. Is it not feasible to "examine the options" one at a time? Start with guy A, see how it goes, take it if it goes well or terminate the relationship then move on to guy B if it doesn't, see how that goes, etc.

Any girl who cheats is worthless, so what the OP did was not an overreaction. On the contrary, it was the most appropriate reaction and with perfect timing to boot.
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I dunno, this might just be me but going on 4 dates doesn't suddenly mean two people are in a relationship. You've been seeing someone, but they can go on dates with other people because they don't have any exclusivity, thus no obligation, to you depending on what they feel.

What happened on these dates? Did you kiss? Hold hands? I think this is just a case of mixed signals.

You guys aren't boyfriend / girlfriend, right? Okay I guess what she did could be a bit mean but... Things are never implied in the game of love, it's always easier to be up front.
 
The main point is yes 4 dates isn't that serious a relationship but its still enough that she shouldn't have been seeing anyone else as they are clearly getting somewhere.
 
Wishy said:
Things are never implied in the game of love, it's always easier to be up front.
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By this theory, exclusivity isn't implied, but neither is non-exclusivity. Therefore, unless one party states that the relationship is or isn't exclusive, both parties are forced to make assumptions, and that's when problems like this one arise.

I personally would treat all relationships with the same level of seriousness as a judge would treat a murder trial, but it seems I am in a very small minority (as usual).
 
Darkvirus said:
all i can say is girls are a pain in the ass for things like this ( im sure girls think guys are a pain in the ass for this) how we ment to understand each other

girls like puppies and makeup guys like monster trucks and playing with fire WE ARE DIFFERENT!


Now onto a serous note i think you done the right thing i could understand if she said that on your 1st date she said oh im going out with another guy i hope you dont mind thats a little different but after 2/3 you start to think that its just you and her, At that kind of stage you shouldent have to ask is it "exclusive"( thats a horrible way to put it shes acting like shes gods gift to man) i totaly agree with what you have done to resolve the situation and your not alone in taht idea i would ahve done that without a second thought but chenman is right atleast she dident hide it otherwise that could have been even worse.
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Oh christ, feminism just curled up in a ball and died. Along with the English language.

Yeah, it's pretty evident it's simply a communication issue. Next time, ask. "Are we exclusive?" isn't that difficult a question. If she didn't 'hide' it, she didn't think she had anything to be ashamed of - nor did she in my view.
Relationships are meant to be fun. :3
 
akuchi said:
Oh christ, feminism just curled up in a ball and died. Along with the English language.
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i missed my scarsam tags again?

and yes my spelling is poor yes somehow it dosent bother me >.>

yah i cagree relationships are ment to be fun but what isent fun is you being serious and she not careing its not fun trust me.
 
Objection said:
Examining multiple options? Is that what you call it? I've got a better name for it that starts with "cheat" and ends with "ing". More than one relationship at the same time, no matter how serious any of the relationships is, is cheating, which undermines the whole concept of relationships and is thus wrong. Is it not feasible to "examine the options" one at a time? Start with guy A, see how it goes, take it if it goes well or terminate the relationship then move on to guy B if it doesn't, see how that goes, etc.

Any girl who cheats is worthless, so what the OP did was not an overreaction. On the contrary, it was the most appropriate reaction and with perfect timing to boot.
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christ how old are you kid? 4 dates is not a relationship, and the seriousness of a relationship is CERTAINLY a factor in deciding on whether it is cheating. if i have a one night stand with some girl then go on a date with another girl, it is not cheating. a relationship begins when both parties make it explicit - usually one will say "will you be my boyfriend/girlfriend" and the other will say "yes" - then and only then can you make the assumption of exclusivity according to modern social norms.
 
joel22 said:
The main point is yes 4 dates isn't that serious a relationship but its still enough that she shouldn't have been seeing anyone else as they are clearly getting somewhere.
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That's what he thought. She maybe thought they weren't, and wanted to test the waters with another guy before diving into a relationship.

You could always pull a Vickie, Christina, Barcelona and have a 3-way relationship (except I guess in this case it would be 2 guys and 1 girl though).
 
Yes, examining multiple options is what I call it. When I go to a store and I am feeling particularly impulsive, I go and look at several cereal boxes and try to decide which my feelings are leading me toward. Since relationships have a whole fucking lot more possible benefit than that, then people certainly inherently hold the right to explore their options with multiple people, especially if nothing more sexual than a few kisses or jackoff sessions have happened.

It is not something that one has to tell one's partner, particularly because people will freak out and react like LonelyNess did. It may have been more innocent than this, but if she was thinking like I am stating, then she was merely approaching it in the most sensible manner (more likely she was innocent though, or she would have never mentioned it).

I also have a feeling you wanted to imply that you have some reason to be outraged with me by the way you worded your comment. I have never done this - but I still do examine options before dating at all, and then pick the girl I like most. I do not try to keep backups/whatever, so would this still be a horrible thing? That is merely a decision for how I want to play it though; it is reasonable and not cheating to do it the way she did.
 
CaptKirby summarized my thoughts on this topic to a T. Although I have been receiving many texts from cocopops when I started buying frootloops. Fucking cereal brands don't get the hint do they?

I think that the girl would have obviously known what the OP wanted unless he is an extremely poor communicator.
 
Well let's see.. Once I hangout with a girl even one time and we've aknowledged we like eachother I make it exclusive from there on. Because then you're never the bad guy. If you don't wish to continue on, make it clear. But I never go back and forth.

Twice it happened where I thought me and a girl were exclusive but.. The next morning.. I guess they were over it. But at least it wasn't me. So I can complain if I want (I'm not). But they can't say I ever did anything to them wrong.
 
I think that dating, like lonleyness was doing, is more of a way to get to know eachother before commiting to a relationship. Casual dating is pretty common, and until you both make a commitment to eachother you shouldnt be surprised if she is seeing other guys..
 
What SEO was describing is what I would just call "going out (as a friend)". Once you know you love the other person, that's when it becomes a "date" in my eyes. In this way, even one "date" would be an indicator of a serious relationship.

Besides, if I were going out with two girls at the same time, don't you think they'd be pissed off with me because of it? Exclusivity is almost the whole point of love.
 
Objection said:
Exclusivity is almost the whole point of love.
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Where did you learn that? There are many forms of love, exclusivity plays barely any part, and is certainly not the "whole point". What an empty vision of love you must have, to believe that the main point is that you restrict each other.
 
m0nkfish said:
Where did you learn that? There are many forms of love, exclusivity plays barely any part, and is certainly not the "whole point". What an empty vision of love you must have, to believe that the main point is that you restrict each other.
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So you're saying I am allowed to love 1000000000 girls at once?
 
She didn't cheat on you. Four dates isn't really enough to use as an assumption that you guys were exclusive. If you wanted to know you should have asked. That simple. Girls are complicated as hell, it's always better to ask.

I wouldn't call what I do "casual dating". I don't take love casually, but I do believe that it's ok to explore your options. If you want to find someone for the long run and there's more than one person in your life at the time that could be a good fit, you should try going out with them both for a little while. You don't wanna look exclusive with girl1 because that could close the door on girl2 forever and by the next date you could see that girl1 isn't that good for you. Now yes, this has gotten extremely messy for me in the past, but in the end usually worked out for the best.

But the hypocrite in me woulda been pissed off if I invited the girl out and she was just like "nope I'm getting ready for a date". Honesty's just a bitch like that.
 
Objection said:
So you're saying I am allowed to love 1000000000 girls at once?
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"allowed"? where did you get the concept of being "allowed" to love? who is denying you permission to love someone? you can love whoever you want. of course, you cannot expect them to love you back. relationships are not so clear-cut as you make them out to be. i think your concept of love, in particular, is molded from some hollywood ideal where each person has one matching person in the world and they may only love that one person. get real, that's not how it works.
 
m0nkfish said:
"allowed"? where did you get the concept of being "allowed" to love? who is denying you permission to love someone?
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Would you be happy if a girl you loved loved someone else at the same time as loving you?

m0nkfish said:
i think your concept of love, in particular, is molded from some hollywood ideal where each person has one matching person in the world and they may only love that one person.
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If you must know, my concept of love is based around fidelity. I'm not saying it's impossible for a guy to love more than one girl and vice versa, but loving more than one person at the same time is what I don't understand.
 
Well. To be honest many girls lately "test" multiple guys on dates to see which one is right. (casual dating) They feel they can. Objection, you are right, you can't love 1,000,000 girls at once. You can be infatuated, or sensually in love with them, but you will not be able to unconditionally love 1,000,000 girls. I don't really understand the point of casual dating but I don't like it. Maybe it's because I am only 16. For now, I am gonna stick with the fact that "Girls are complicated." They can trap you like a helpless puppy with their beauty and charm. Thats why I am not worrying about relationships till later.

My concept on chicks is: "Fish swarm as locust in the sky. One drops down on you and takes off to fly. More will drop, so why would you cry??

I don't go out with girls unless I really really like them. I thought most people felt the same way.

Maybe it's just me.
 
m0nkfish is talking about an emotion, you're talking about that grounded in social standards

Would you be happy if a girl you loved loved someone else at the same time as loving you?
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this really doesn't make a difference; he might not be, but it wouldn't give him the right (nor the ability) to stop them loving someone else

You can't love 1,000,000 girld at once.
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says who?
 
#Az said:
m0nkfish is talking about an emotion, you're talking about that grounded in social standards
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To be honest, with the relationships I've seen (in real life, not on TV, not in films and not on the internet), I'm beginning to suspect that the emotion is becoming extinct.

#Az said:
this really doesn't make a difference; he might not be, but it wouldn't give him the right (nor the ability) to stop them loving someone else
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It would give him the right and the ability to prevent a relationship between them, and if the girl loved him as well as the other guy, she would want to do everything she could to avoid that, so she wouldn't be seeing the other guy. Simple.

#Az said:
says who?
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Try it.
 
Objection said:
Would you be happy if a girl you loved loved someone else at the same time as loving you?

hm. quite possibly, yes. if they were open about it, I was open about it, and the other party was open about it, why not?


If you must know, my concept of love is based around fidelity. I'm not saying it's impossible for a guy to love more than one girl and vice versa, but loving more than one person at the same time is what I don't understand.

that's quite a poor definition of love - what about making each other happy, fun, adoration and mutual respect, passion and affection (things quite possible in a poly relationship)? fidelity only means a lot of hideous, loveless relationships somehow meet your criteria.
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