Social LGBTQIA+

[Voidstarr]

It’s lonely.

Sometimes I feel out of place in spaces that are supposed to be inclusive. Sometimes I feel out of place in certain lgbtq spaces because what I want doesn’t always seem to match what people expect. Sometimes I feel like being nice gets misread as being available. Sometimes I feel like having boundaries makes me seem cold, judgmental, or difficult, even when I’m really just trying to protect my peace.

It’s like people are fine with lgbtq in theory, but the second it comes up naturally, they get awkward and make that awkwardness your problem, you can make a single offhanded comment about an ex, or about something from your own life, and then the casual homophobia starts and you better laugh it off, reassure them, or pretend it didn’t feel weird otherwise you are being way too sensitive.

Our dating scenes suck too, obviously thats not the case for everyone and I know some people thrive in them, and I’m happy for them! But for me atleast, it can feel exhausting trying to find something genuine when so much feels casual, performative, overly sexualized, or just emotionally unavailable.

A lot of it depends on where you live and what social environment you're in. I come from a place where open-mindedness wasn't common while I was growing up, and to some degree they're still probably behind compared to the most civilised places on this planet, but I've fortunately managed to relocate elsewhere and it got better.

That said, being on the internet does create a skewed perception of how accepting and open people are in real life. I overheard a discussion a couple months back in which one of my colleagues was complaining about the introduction of gender-neutral toilets, saying that the government was focusing on that instead of "important problems" like those of the education system. Because of course, only the problems of the majority matter...

My best advice to people in these kinds of situations is to grow a thicker skin. Not because you should have to (you shouldn't), but because after everything I've seen, I don't hold onto much hope that systemic change will happen on a reasonable timeline.

 

[skype]

A lot of it depends on where you live and what social environment you're in. I come from a place where open-mindedness wasn't common while I was growing up, and to some degree they're still probably behind compared to the most civilised places on this planet, but I've fortunately managed to relocate elsewhere and it got better.

Happy for you honestly, I relate to what you said about growing up somewhere where open-mindedness wasn’t exactly common. I don’t know if that’s the perfect way to word it, but it’s that feeling of being around people who might not always be openly hateful, but who still make it very clear what is considered “normal” and what isn’t.

That said, being on the internet does create a skewed perception of how accepting and open people are in real life. I overheard a discussion a couple months back in which one of my colleagues was complaining about the introduction of gender-neutral toilets, saying that the government was focusing on that instead of "important problems" like those of the education system. Because of course, only the problems of the majority matter...

Your second paragraph 2 is exactly the kind of thing I was trying to get at. The internet can make it feel like everyone is way more accepting than they actually are, and then you hear one normal casual conversation in real life and it’s like "oh, okay, never mind lol" It’s always framed as “why are we focusing on this instead of real problems?” as if queer and trans people aren’t also real people with real problems, it’s such a backhanded way of saying “i don’t think this matters because it doesn’t affect me.”

However, I think the “grow a thicker skin” part is hard because, I know it’s realistic advice, you cannot lose your mind every time someone says something ignorant, because then you’d just be exhausted all the time but, it’s depressing that the answer often becomes “learn to tolerate it better”

I don’t think anyone should have to toughen up just to exist normally, nobody should diminish their shine and everyone deserves to be whoever it they want to be

 

[Stellar]

I definitely empathize with the situation. I grew up in the rural south — closeted — for 24 years and therefore didn’t face any outright homophobia, but was surrounded by it and beaten down by it.

I moved to south Florida 10 years ago (and got married 5 years ago), and felt less of the constant pressure, but more of the direct political pressure in the last few years.

We moved to Seattle, WA, a year ago and I hadn’t felt any of the direct or indirect pressure … until a week ago my husband and I were walking home after dinner and someone drove by and screamed a slur at us. Weirdly that was something that didn’t even happen in either of the less-friendly states. It shook me up a bit.

That being said, I feel immensely safer and more connected here than either of my prior homes. Culture matters a lot.

 

[Voidstarr]

However, I think the “grow a thicker skin” part is hard because, I know it’s realistic advice, you cannot lose your mind every time someone says something ignorant, because then you’d just be exhausted all the time but, it’s depressing that the answer often becomes “learn to tolerate it better”

I don’t think anyone should have to toughen up just to exist normally, nobody should diminish their shine and everyone deserves to be whoever it they want to be

I agree that you shouldn't have to. It's just my advice for what has personally kept me more sane.

In the end, it's a lot easier to change the environment you live in by moving, rather than by doing activism. Incidentally, I have also done activism. I think it has had some degree of impact over several years with the concerted efforts of the whole community in the country, but when I moved away from my birthplace to one of the most LGBT-positive countries in the world, the improvement was instantaneous and I didn't have to lift a finger to receive the benefits. All I had to do was hop on a plane.

I understand moving countries (or states, if you are in the US) is difficult and expensive, but personally, I think letting the negative emotional energy of your environment affect you expends even more resources than that. YMMV. I wish you the best!

 

[Cancel cult]

Do you ever feel like your place in the LGBTQIA+ community is fraudulent? Like, you don't really belong? Like you're a glorified technicality and don't have the right to say anything?

For those unfamiliar, I am both Aromantic and Agender. And of interest to me is specifically being Agender, which for me means that I don't really experience gender, dysphoria or euphoria, and don't care how I present or what I am perceived as. I've asked and looked around, and the general consensus I've seen is that, yes, being Agender means being trans. But, I don't think that's fair. I don't think that I can really be considered a proper trans person and have no place to speak on what it's like as a trans person.

Being trans is hard. You are born into a body that you hate and that generally makes you depressed to my understanding (take a shot every time I say to my understanding). You have to go through many trials to fix that, and for some reason the world goes out of its way to make things harder for you. And I haven't experienced any of that. And I physically lack a frame of reference to understand that. To my understanding, even a cis person would be more able to relate. If I understand correctly, cis people also experience dysphoria if perceived and addressed as a different gender. I don't. I am categorically one of the least qualified people to understand this.

That's part of why I don't feel like I truly have a claim to be a part of the trans community. I have a vague understanding of the concept, but I don't have a solid frame of reference for what being trans actually feels like. If I put on the trans flag, people would look to me as a trans person, an insider who knows what it's like to experience any of their hardships. They would put value into the things I say. But that's not right. How should I possibly be considered at all qualified to say what it's like on a personal level? No matter how much I talk with trans people and no matter how much I research, and no matter how much I try to understand what it's like, I will never know. It's not just a matter of oppression, this goes beyond that. Being gay is pretty straightforward to understand for people who experience attraction. It's attraction to the same gender. Likewise, most people should be able to understand what dysphoria feels like, if perhaps to a lesser extent. And then there's me. I can't know what it feels like. I am about as physically incapable of understanding the trans experience as is possible. So how can I be considered one of you who knows what its like and has this perspective?

I am not making this post for comfort or affirmations. I want honest answers and opinions on this. As times become scarier for trans folks, I want to be able to help. I want to be able to raise a voice and help tell your story. But I don't think it's my story. If I pretend it is, I'll fuck up and say stupid shit like I always do. But it's gonna be treated like an authentic trans experience, and people will think that what I say is an accurate and first person account of what being trans is like. I don't think I can be considered a trans person. I don't think I have this experience to tell your story as my own. This is the conclusion I have come to. But I am an idiot. I hope I have made that clear by now. And so I want anyone who responds to this to be honest, brutally so if necessary. Don't sugarcoat anything, don't say things to be nice to me. I want to know what to make of all of this. This is the first time I've ever properly put these thoughts outside my head, but I think they're important. And I want them to be resolved one way or another.

 

[Adeleine]

I look for reasons to include people in groups.

I want my peoples to have more members, more allies, more friends. I like ties and connections between people and I like friendships. You want to be a member, and I want you to be a member.

You have a non-traditional experience with gender, such that you want to be in our community?

Awesome! I'm glad that there is a foundation on which I am comfortable to include you, which is what I want to do anyway. As a transgender lesbian-leaning panromantic gray asexual gendercurious woman, you have my pass and my vouch and my card.

Lots of trans people have totally different transgender experiences from each other. There is a vast ocean of different trans perspectives that differ in understandings. I don't care whether you experience gender similarly to me. Honest to god I don't give a fuck lol! I just hope your challenges are manageable and you have peace and happiness.

When it comes to shared experience, I care that you want to join the shared experience of being in the community. And you do! So great! You're in!

A concluding note. Having experienced doubts with comparable structures, sometimes these doubts come from rational reasoning, sometimes they come from irrational processing and emotions and all that, and sometimes both. I encourage you to think about where your doubts are coming from and guide yourself (imperfectly, as we all do) towards matching better path(s).

 

[Voidstarr]

The original meaning of "transgender" exclusively referred to FtM and MtF individuals, so it carried implications of dysphoria and (for some) desire to make legal and/or medical changes to their identity. In the past few years, the word has been used more as an umbrella term for non-cisgender identities, something like "genderqueer" or "nonbinary".

I don't personally subscribe to the new usage and prefer the original umbrella terms for that purpose, but both are widely accepted. So essentially, as long as you are non-cis, you may or may not identify as trans and it's really up to you whether you think the term describes you. Either way, I'd say that non-cis identities in general belong under the LGBT+ umbrella, because they:

• Are minority identities
• May significantly change the person's experience with their peers or other individuals
• May significantly change the person's experience with their level of acceptance in their community, both local and broader
• May be connected with a desire for recognition and legal protection beyond what is currently available

And those are all key points for any identity represeted by any letter in the alphabet soup.

 

[Local Dog]

folks, have you made experiences with your sexuality going in a different direction at a certain age?

I was always very much into women, but I started to become somewhat enticed by feminine men as I got into my late teens, and now feel broadly attracted to men that lean feminine in my mid 20s. I would have described myself as straight, but I started to consider myself more bi by the time I was around 22 or 23. I think I am now rather confidently bi or pan

Kinda weird to admit that. I think I posted a few years earlier that this label feels a little off as I do not, idk, I guess made the traditional experiences of not straight individuals? I never felt uncomfortable with my gender, my sexuality or the social stigmas that came along with it. And I haven't dated a men by now, I think if I do that, I will feel more connected with the term

anyways I guess I'll go to pride this year?

 

[Yunie]

folks, have you made experiences with your sexuality going in a different direction at a certain age?

I was always very much into women, but I started to become somewhat enticed by feminine men as I got into my late teens, and now feel broadly attracted to men that lean feminine in my mid 20s. I would have described myself as straight, but I started to consider myself more bi by the time I was around 22 or 23. I think I am now rather confidently bi or pan

Kinda weird to admit that. I think I posted a few years earlier that this label feels a little off as I do not, idk, I guess made the traditional experiences of not straight individuals? I never felt uncomfortable with my gender, my sexuality or the social stigmas that came along with it. And I haven't dated a men by now, I think if I do that, I will feel more connected with the term

anyways I guess I'll go to pride this year?

this is called gyneromanticism/gynesexuality btw (depending on your feelings towards these people), which is an attraction towards femininity specifically. i am gyneromantic asexual myself so i know a bit about it. i don't find masculine men attractive but i have developed my share of crushes on feminine men (see here) and like women, so this is the label i self-identify as. i do not mean to put a label on you, and if you prefer to be called bi and that is more comfortable for you, then go ahead, i just wanted to expand on this more.

 

[Adeleine]

folks, have you made experiences with your sexuality going in a different direction at a certain age?

I was always very much into women, but I started to become somewhat enticed by feminine men as I got into my late teens, and now feel broadly attracted to men that lean feminine in my mid 20s. I would have described myself as straight, but I started to consider myself more bi by the time I was around 22 or 23. I think I am now rather confidently bi or pan

Kinda weird to admit that. I think I posted a few years earlier that this label feels a little off as I do not, idk, I guess made the traditional experiences of not straight individuals? I never felt uncomfortable with my gender, my sexuality or the social stigmas that came along with it. And I haven't dated a men by now, I think if I do that, I will feel more connected with the term

anyways I guess I'll go to pride this year?

Technically romantic, not sexual, with me being ace, but yeah. I'm going in a different direction right now, actually. I've been pan-leaning-not-men for a while, but I've been slowly getting more even and more into men.

Part of this has probably been my evolving relationship to gender as I've gotten older. In my trans woman experience, I've been insecure with maleness and masculinity in some ways for a long time, which is decreasing over time.

The funnier reason has been baseball. I'm graced to be a Milwaukee Brewers fan for multiple reasons. But also.

Christian Yelich

Abner Uribe

Sal Frelick In all his various hair lengths and stubble amounts!

Jacob Misiorowski

 

[Cancel cult]

The truth is it's technically almost impossible to be straight because gender is a concept that does not care what you find attractive. When you compare a complicated concept like gender to much more concrete feelings such as attraction both romantic and sexual, you find that there is no perfect overlap. In other words, whatever inside of you that determines attraction does not know or care what a "man" or "woman" is because these are concepts we invented to try to make sense of a world that doesn't and that cannot be neatly sorted into a binary. Labels don't make sense and the only person who can best decide what label imperfectly fits you the best is you, if you even desire to put one on at all.

 

[grovylestand]

The truth is it's technically almost impossible to be straight because gender is a concept that does not care what you find attractive. When you compare a complicated concept like gender to much more concrete feelings such as attraction both romantic and sexual, you find that there is no perfect overlap. In other words, whatever inside of you that determines attraction does not know or care what a "man" or "woman" is because these are concepts we invented to try to make sense of a world that doesn't and that cannot be neatly sorted into a binary. Labels don't make sense and the only person who can best decide what label imperfectly fits you the best is you, if you even desire to put one on at all.

i strongly disagree. for me labels have actually been really good and that just feels like you are shitting on people who have certain identities. saying that the typical binary is flawed is true but that doesnt mean people cant feel euphoria based on gender and the binary. labels are a tool for getting someones identity into words, and if someone doesnt want that that is fine but don't say labels are imperfect for everyone. that doesnt sit right with me. grovy, signing off!

 

[Cancel cult]

i strongly disagree. for me labels have actually been really good and that just feels like you are shitting on people who have certain identities. saying that the typical binary is flawed is true but that doesnt mean people cant feel euphoria based on gender and the binary. labels are a tool for getting someones identity into words, and if someone doesnt want that that is fine but don't say labels are imperfect for everyone. that doesnt sit right with me. grovy, signing off!

this was not my intention at all. perhaps I shouldn't have used the term imperfect, but what I was trying to do was illustrate that names and labels are artificial concepts that do not perfectly overlap with reality. classification is how we understand the world, and in typical human fashion, there's often flaws and uncertainties in the definitions classifications. that does not mean labels are not useful, just that they are not tangible components of reality, and in fact are quite malleable. what I was trying to get at is that you are the one who should decide your own labels.

 

[Bakugames]

my thing w labels is that Sure, you can do whatever you want forever. Just don't expect that label to mean anything to others/for people to consider your intepretation of that label. the later especially when one enters the space of political action <- this is where those specific mogai labels stop being relevant, useful or something people gaf

 

[Gimmicky]

this was not my intention at all. perhaps I shouldn't have used the term imperfect, but what I was trying to do was illustrate that names and labels are artificial concepts that do not perfectly overlap with reality. classification is how we understand the world, and in typical human fashion, there's often flaws and uncertainties in the definitions classifications. that does not mean labels are not useful, just that they are not tangible components of reality, and in fact are quite malleable. what I was trying to get at is that you are the one who should decide your own labels.

Fully agree here; IMO labels can have as much or as little meaning as you give them. There's no catch-all for how much a label comes to define you or how important the concept of labelling is to your identity. I know a lot of people who take comfort and pride in strict classifications, others who discard them entirely in favor of just navigating the world on their own terms, and even more people somewhere in the middle there.

I do think, however, that pressure to label yourself is absolutely a factor in a lot of people's indecision or unsureness in their own identity or especially their coming out. If you're reading this and struggling to find a word that perfectly fits you to help you navigate the world, let me give you a bit of reassurance: there doesn't have to be any word other than your name(s) that describes you. The idea of clear-cut, rigid labels being the norm is a relatively recent development in queerness outside of a few specific subcultures. You don't have to subscribe to any idea despite what people around you might think. Your comfort and ability to navigate things is the first priority and you can use whatever labels (or lack of them!) make sense to you. Whether or not a label is necessary or "valid" is irrelevant as long as you're happy and acting in good faith. (images related)

I for one have pivoted largely away from any rigid labels aside from butch and what i like to call "genderfucky"; I don't find comfort in them and find them needlessly limiting. Your milage may vary but what matters if you keep driving.

 

[doublenikesocks]

folks, have you made experiences with your sexuality going in a different direction at a certain age?

I was always very much into women, but I started to become somewhat enticed by feminine men as I got into my late teens, and now feel broadly attracted to men that lean feminine in my mid 20s. I would have described myself as straight, but I started to consider myself more bi by the time I was around 22 or 23. I think I am now rather confidently bi or pan

Kinda weird to admit that. I think I posted a few years earlier that this label feels a little off as I do not, idk, I guess made the traditional experiences of not straight individuals? I never felt uncomfortable with my gender, my sexuality or the social stigmas that came along with it. And I haven't dated a men by now, I think if I do that, I will feel more connected with the term

anyways I guess I'll go to pride this year?

i used to be much more attracted to women than i now am, i'm probably on the asexual spectrum but how much of that is due to trauma or dysphoria is unknown, so yes i relate to sexuality shifting.

re: label talk. i find labels to often be too rigid, specific, and arbitrary to have much relevance to my life. especially microlabels and labels within the lesbian community (butch, femme, masc, fem, lipstick, chapstick, stud, stem, futch, etc). the labels i most resonate with are the big tent labels, like queer, lesbian, trans, woman (though as i've transitioned, my sense of gender is becoming more and more "lesbian"). even labels within the asexual spectrum feel wrong - i have experienced more sexual interest (won't say attraction because of how unfocused it was) than what i've heard of most asexual people, grey-ace seems most applicable though still foreign, don't have enough experience to use demisexual, and aegosexual seems relevant but can't quite relate. dysphoria seems like the common denominator here, though.

to me, specific labels are more for communicating group identity and social belonging than being useful to understand myself. in fact they seem contrary to that. when i attempt to apply specific, rigid labels, it confuses me even more because of the contradictions between the labels and myself. i find the pressure to label myself is top-down, driven by others (as in social hierarchies) wanting to put me in a box, something that really frustrates me because i despise most social expecations and having to perform. not a bottom up approach where those labels are driven by my own sense of identity. particularly in the lesbian community where it seems like people seem to want to date labels, not people. "looking for a hot masc" and so on.

some labels outside the queer community mean a lot to me; autistic, ADHD, neurodivergent, they have so much meaning and comfort to me. but they weren't forced on me (other than genetics lmao).

 

[Voidstarr]

View attachment 836049
View attachment 836050

I agree with the sentiment. The feeling of being in an echo chamber is what drove me away from queer spaces.

I still like to interact with some LGBT+ people and am happy to see them in non-queer communities, but that for me was the right decision. I understand why validation culture exists, but it makes me feel alien when one of my other major issues in life was talking to people who didn't say what they mean how they mean it. I'd rather hear something sincere and indelicate/unpleasant than the other way around, no matter what that was about.

 

[Glen]

Do you ever feel like your place in the LGBTQIA+ community is fraudulent? Like, you don't really belong? Like you're a glorified technicality and don't have the right to say anything?

For those unfamiliar, I am both Aromantic and Agender. And of interest to me is specifically being Agender, which for me means that I don't really experience gender, dysphoria or euphoria, and don't care how I present or what I am perceived as. I've asked and looked around, and the general consensus I've seen is that, yes, being Agender means being trans. But, I don't think that's fair. I don't think that I can really be considered a proper trans person and have no place to speak on what it's like as a trans person.

Being trans is hard. You are born into a body that you hate and that generally makes you depressed to my understanding (take a shot every time I say to my understanding). You have to go through many trials to fix that, and for some reason the world goes out of its way to make things harder for you. And I haven't experienced any of that. And I physically lack a frame of reference to understand that. To my understanding, even a cis person would be more able to relate. If I understand correctly, cis people also experience dysphoria if perceived and addressed as a different gender. I don't. I am categorically one of the least qualified people to understand this.

That's part of why I don't feel like I truly have a claim to be a part of the trans community. I have a vague understanding of the concept, but I don't have a solid frame of reference for what being trans actually feels like. If I put on the trans flag, people would look to me as a trans person, an insider who knows what it's like to experience any of their hardships. They would put value into the things I say. But that's not right. How should I possibly be considered at all qualified to say what it's like on a personal level? No matter how much I talk with trans people and no matter how much I research, and no matter how much I try to understand what it's like, I will never know. It's not just a matter of oppression, this goes beyond that. Being gay is pretty straightforward to understand for people who experience attraction. It's attraction to the same gender. Likewise, most people should be able to understand what dysphoria feels like, if perhaps to a lesser extent. And then there's me. I can't know what it feels like. I am about as physically incapable of understanding the trans experience as is possible. So how can I be considered one of you who knows what its like and has this perspective?

I am not making this post for comfort or affirmations. I want honest answers and opinions on this. As times become scarier for trans folks, I want to be able to help. I want to be able to raise a voice and help tell your story. But I don't think it's my story. If I pretend it is, I'll fuck up and say stupid shit like I always do. But it's gonna be treated like an authentic trans experience, and people will think that what I say is an accurate and first person account of what being trans is like. I don't think I can be considered a trans person. I don't think I have this experience to tell your story as my own. This is the conclusion I have come to. But I am an idiot. I hope I have made that clear by now. And so I want anyone who responds to this to be honest, brutally so if necessary. Don't sugarcoat anything, don't say things to be nice to me. I want to know what to make of all of this. This is the first time I've ever properly put these thoughts outside my head, but I think they're important. And I want them to be resolved one way or another.

this greatly resonated with me. i feel hopelessly out of place in the lgbt+ community, in part because i am a gruesome boomer and in part because i do not really feel like i have a body at all. no dysphoria, no euphoria. i sometimes wish my body were different, and i go through periods where i make efforts to create that difference, but it is a very minor part of who i am. i exist in physical space, but i am not my body. i feel more as though i am the awareness of my body.

what you touch on later in the post brings to mind a realization that hit me quite hard over a long period of mental health issues and hospitalizations: everyone's world is completely different. that people can communicate with each other at all is an absolute miracle, given the wild disparity in worldview, self-conception, and consciousness in general between people. though labels can help to simplify things, much of reality defies simplification. you can break the world into shapes that are easier and easier to comprehend, but you lose much in the breaking. the lens through which we fundamentally view the world differs radically between individuals. when the lens is different, the whole picture is radically so.

if you're like me, you've felt like an outsider in virtually all spaces for most of your life anyway. the lgbt+ space is just another world in which you can offer a kind of outsider support, giving you a unique perspective and making you a valuable ally.

 

[Stellar]

this greatly resonated with me. i feel hopelessly out of place in the lgbt+ community, in part because i am a gruesome boomer and in part because i do not really feel like i have a body at all. no dysphoria, no euphoria. i sometimes wish my body were different, and i go through periods where i make efforts to create that difference, but it is a very minor part of who i am. i exist in physical space, but i am not my body. i feel more as though i am the awareness of my body.

what you touch on later in the post brings to mind a realization that hit me quite hard over a long period of mental health issues and hospitalizations: everyone's world is completely different. that people can communicate with each other at all is an absolute miracle, given the wild disparity in worldview, self-conception, and consciousness in general between people. though labels can help to simplify things, much of reality defies simplification. you can break the world into shapes that are easier and easier to comprehend, but you lose much in the breaking. the lens through which we fundamentally view the world differs radically between individuals. when the lens is different, the whole picture is radically so.

if you're like me, you've felt like an outsider in virtually all spaces for most of your life anyway. the lgbt+ space is just another world in which you can offer a kind of outsider support, giving you a unique perspective and making you a valuable ally.

Can I ask if you’ve ever done much physical exercise? I felt the exact same away regarding feeling disconnected from my body and feeling like I was the “awareness” in my body. I had never worked out or really done much physical in my teen years. About ten years ago, I started lifting weights and continued to build the mind/muscle connection, and now feel more “whole” so to speak — like my body is actually more mine. And it has helped with my self confidence.

 

[Glen]

Can I ask if you’ve ever done much physical exercise? I felt the exact same away regarding feeling disconnected from my body and feeling like I was the “awareness” in my body. I had never worked out or really done much physical in my teen years. About ten years ago, I started lifting weights and continued to build the mind/muscle connection, and now feel more “whole” so to speak — like my body is actually more mine. And it has helped with my self confidence.

i really appreciate you sharing your experience. i have gone through periods of having gym memberships and putting effort into building muscle, though never for more than maybe 6 months at a time. i took the workouts somewhat seriously but did not take care to manage my diet at all, so my gains were much more limited than they could have been. it did help a lot though, in exactly the way you described. i think in a lot of ways i was scared of that physicality, it felt bizarre actually being connected to my body, and this might have been why i never pursued it to a further degree. i recently got back into basic weightlifting though, and your post inspires me to take it a bit more seriously this time.

 

[Ren]

in part because i am a gruesome boomer

im relatively young so im probably not the right person to say this but from my experience seeing queer people who are older than me is so validating because there are moments where what i really need is to know that we get old too and that our love and identity persists even if our youth doesn't. i get so happy whenever i see older queer married couples or older trans people. i also love seeing people discover and connect with themselves no matter what age they are - we all have to walk through the gate at some point. some of us walk through it multiple times. others crawl through it as a newborn. others wheel through it during retirement. some people need a hand opening it from another person, older, younger, religious, not religious... just another person. some people need a village. some people wont need that their first time and will need it their fifth time walking through the gate because the first four times felt off. some people walk through the gate only to realize "this isnt really the community for me" and walk back out.

what im trying to say is - all of our experiences are different, but we all deserve to grow older. it's genuinely difficult seeing the attacks on queer and especially trans people in today's world. it's so inspiring to know that even in the adversity that queer people had before i was born, they still found it in themselves to make their lives authentically their own. it gives me hope that people who may not have had the language or community to understand their experience in the 60s can find that now.

you're one of us no matter what your journey looks like. you inspire people just by being around - i personally find all queer people inspiring (i also find a few aggravating and detrimental to the community and those two things can coexist LMAO nobody here tho). i get these are just words and they dont undo what's probably years on years of feeling out of place, but i do hope they can help with getting the ball rolling!

also, ftr, 37 is NOT old at all. youre maybe close to halfway around your life. if life was a 24 hour day youd be around noon right now at best - it isnt even your evening yet. live a little! i was genuinely shocked when i saw you describing yourself as a boomer at 37 though that may have been hyperbole.

 

[vishy fishy]

I was listening to talk of people being agender and I feel like most days, that’s me. But some days, I feel like a they or a she or even a he so (relatively) violently, that is makes me feel yucky. Do you think it’s possible to be gender-fluid, but also be agender some days? How would I explain that to others, like today I don’t care but sometimes I really care…

 

[Voidstarr]

I was listening to talk of people being agender and I feel like most days, that’s me. But some days, I feel like a they or a she or even a he so (relatively) violently, that is makes me feel yucky. Do you think it’s possible to be gender-fluid, but also be agender some days? How would I explain that to others, like today I don’t care but sometimes I really care…

Yes. Most days I don't care about pronouns. Some days I'll wake up on the "they" side of the bed and be annoyed if people use anything else.

That said, even in the latter case, I won't push people to use something specific with me. I know that 95% or more of my time I'll be in the don't care camp and I've decided that feeling better in the 5% isn't worth the effort.

 

[skype]

a little late but, happy pride month to all you wonderful people <3

 

[Cancel cult]

I said I would elaborate on my outlook at some point, and. Is it ok if I break down for a bit?

Things are going bad. It's very obvious. Society is falling into facism and bigotry because the people demanded it. Every day I go online and see it. "You don't hate them enough."

But I don't hate. I don't get angry. I just get sad.

I don't let myself hate. Hatred only makes things worse. Hatred is what caused this, hatred is what birthed this. Hatred only clouds judgement. It reduces them to one dimensional villains who just want to hurt. It reduces your capacity to empathize. It reduces your capacity to love. It spreads and spreads until you can't stop hating. Until you hate everyone and everything.

For me to have any hope, I can't hate. I need to see these people and understand them. But as things get worse and worse, the less people wake up the more my sadness swells. And the voice inside that says I should hate is fed, and the louder it grows the more sad I become.

I can't accept this. I cannot accept that these people would do this harm because they are pure evil. They have to be shaped into this. They have to be believing lies. They have to be victims themselves who have been separated from reality and molded into tools for destruction. Because if that isn't it. If this is how people are. Then what hope do we have? How can we ever live in a free society where a very large portion of people are pure evil? That's why I have to see the other side. That's why I have to understand. That's why I need to empathize and humanize and not give in to hate.

But every day they make it harder. Every day I see the worst of what humanity has to offer. And I understand the need to hate. But if this many people are just enemies, then what is our solution? Let our hatred resolve? Opress them? Eliminate them? I don't want that. I don't think anyone reading this wants that. That is facist. That is authoritarianism. That is everything we are fighting. For the society we hope for with the progressive aspirations we seek and that they are fighting against to be viable, people have to be good. My faith in humanity is the only thing keeping me going. It's the only thing that gives me any hope for the future.

But it's so hard to have this faith. They are making it so hard to empathize and humanize and hope they can be better and that they are not the monsters I am told to hate. If the hate wins, then we have no hope. But hate is winning. They are hating. And we are hating. And I'm so sick of the hate. I can't stand this hate. I can't hope with this hate. I can't live with this hate. I can't love with this hate.