Serious Life (just need somewhere to vent right now)

[Fishy]

i think something i read toward the end of last year really lit a fire under my butt, whether i knew it or not. i read an article in a magazine about bryan cranston, and his take on acting. he said something like "if you're going to act, you have to throw yourself into it. every bit, and never stop. i was 22, and decided 'this is it. i'm going to act. there's nothing else i want to do more.'"

taking his story to heart (especially the age bit!!) i decided that if i were ever going to jump into hollywood, it had to be now. so, i was googling summer acting programs. i stumbled upon some articles, and then an advertisement for the american academy of dramatic arts! they have various week-long programs for different fields related to acting, and i decided to apply to a 2-week program for film/television. about a week later, my phone reads an LA area code and i got a call saying that i was accepted! i was absolutely thrilled. acting is something i've always dreamed and mused about pursuing, and it didn't take much to take a legitimate step in that direction. when i'm actually in LA come late july, i think the experience is going to be phenomenal, and i couldn't be more excited.

i think life is magical, if only you seek where the magic lies. often time when i'm out in a very populated/open space, i like to merely sit on the floor. pop a squat! a literal slight change of perspective is very relieving to me, in that i'm removing myself from the atmosphere to observe rather than participate. if you sit in a field, or take a walk around a park, or just concentrate on your breathing at any given moment, you realize that life isn't really speeding by. you have so, so much time if only you utilize it. if you ever feel out of control, just take a deep breath. realize that whatever ails you can probably be fixed, and more probable, at the cost of less than an arm and a leg.

my sister has been married for over a year now (which blows my mind - she'll turn 21 in july) and i'm currently visiting her in north carolina! vacations are so nice, seriously. especially with family. it's really refreshing to remember what you're like without your significant other, or certain friends, or the neighborhood you're living in, and relish in being exactly yourself. however, having said that, i think that's something important to practice always doing - being absolutely, 100% yourself. embrace everything you like, even if it's trivial and silly. swat leaves when you're walking by trees, and stop to smell the roses, petunias, even the foliage you cannot identify. i think when you take the time to find pleasure in the simplest things of life, you realize that things can only get better, with a little more effort.

blah blah blah everyone just follow your dreams and be happy n shit :doom:

 

[relaunched]

Hey junior, I find that your situation is similar to mine, in the respect that "nothing is going on". This is an interesting thread, because a few people have responded with similar sentiments, which indicates that "everyone else's life is racing ahead" isn't so true, as someone pointed out. I often wonder how common this feeling is among people our age. I think one thing that can help in the endeavor to try and do more is support from people in a similar situation. As capefeather said, advice from one person can do little or even be harmful to another, though that's not to say it can't be helpful either. When finding people who have similar goals to you though, supporting them by egging them on, telling them to get done what they might not be getting done, can really help. That said, feel free to send a PM, because it's possible we could work together well.

All I can tell you is please don't make your job a life dream. All jobs, at the end of the day are gonna suck because doing the same thing day in day out, week in week out, year in year out is never gonna be fun and it'll always be a drag.

Your job, IMO, should be a stepping stone towards your life goals. Whether that be travel, finding places to settle, living life on the road, doing extreme activities, exploring nature etc etc

If your life dream and goals is your jobs, what are you going to look forward to once the work day is over? What are you going to look forward to on the weekends, after retirement?

I feel like too many people get stumped in their life because work seems to consume their lives.

Don't make work your life! It's a trap we all fall into

Also, I think this last post you wrote is quite faulty. While I'd guess that most people with a job would rather be able to live without having that job, it's definitely not true that all jobs suck at the end of the day, because there are plenty of people who really love what they do at their job, and would rather have it than not. Unless all of these people are unable to accurately represent their feelings, you can't make the claim you do. Some people have as an ideal a job doing something you would do in their free time, and some do indeed achieve that ideal. In this case, their thought process is probably more like:

I really enjoy doing X --> Oh I can do that as a job, sweet!

Rather than thinking of ideas for jobs first, so you have some truth in your post, in that in this case "job" isn't the attraction, but rather "enjoyable task X". There are examples of this in many areas of work. Personally, I really enjoy solving math/computer science problems, and being able to work in a related field is a dream. Now, your post does again have some truth in it, because jobs aren't perfect, and most certainly have red tape, headaches, etc. involved. For instance, while working in academia is a dream for me, I understand that there are plenty of frustrating aspects to it, for example meager pay in graduate school, fiercely having to compete for a professor job, and having to apply for many grants as a professor.

Also, there is plenty to look forward to when not doing work, even if that is your dream. Work can be very enjoyable and still hard, so a more relaxing activity is something to look forward to. Or, if you are single-mindedly into what you do as a job, maybe you just do more when you get home. And of course, people tend to have many interests. For instance, I love reading, playing games, and cooking, so if I were to get home from a job, any of those things would be quite pleasant.

 

[Hipmonlee]

I disagree Junior, I think you have to make your job a life dream, you are going to spend so much of your life doing it. I couldnt stand to work somewhere unless I thought at the end of it all I will have made something I can look at and say "that was probably worth the amount of time I spent on it".

I dont think you should make it your only life goal though.

Ok what I am going to say next is probably going to seem kinda self contradictory.

At the moment I am not doing anything I really give a shit about. I kinda always thought that my 20s I can spend gambling on whatever crazy schemes I felt like and if it came off it came off, and there was really never any risk of me being too poor. Maybe I am lucky in that regard, but, it really blows my mind that people without kids could run out of money.. If your job isnt covering your rent, I think you need to move or something.. Whatever, this is a tangent.

I was pretty depressed at Uni the first time too. Part of that for me was to do with having to make life decisions which requires actually thinking about the rest of your life and growing old and how shitty that will be.

But even after getting over that a lot of the time during my 20s I thought I wasnt really making progress, particularly in septembers (summer is coming, and you realise you have to spend the whole time catching up on the work you were too lazy to do over winter).

So when I neared the end of my 20s, I realised I had to do something sensible that would make some money so I started a CompSci degree. I dont love CS, I just do it because I knew I would be good at it and I could make a lot of money. But, at the same time, I know I can actually make something worthwhile, so I am not just making money for the sake of it.

And making money for the sake of it is pretty much what it would be otherwise. I used to worry that all the ambitions I have any more are negatives, along the lines of "I hope I dont get cancer". But on the other hand that kinda means that my life must be pretty good as it is.

So to summarise, because I dont think I really made it very clear what I am trying to say here. I went through a time which superficially at least sounds similar to what you are saying. I had some plans but I wasnt really making any progress, I am still unsure how much it was through lack of ability and how much through laziness or if there is any relevant difference. And these plans werent strong motivators to me because on the whole I didnt really give a shit about them. It was just something I thought might be a good idea. So for me the way through this wasnt about fulfilling my destiny or anything it was more by saying "fuck it, I'll just get a job instead".

What I would say is, if you are depressed and not just having a rough time at the moment, try changing your life. Get a job outdoors somewhere sunny. Uni isnt that important, and depression is balls. Its not worth it, especially if you are skipping classes anyway.

And the money spent is not a huge deal. Forget about it. You're young, there's plenty of time.

 

[GlassAbsol]

I haven't read everything in this thread but I just wanted to say I know how you feel junior.

I'm a first year at university. I'm doing a degree that I've realised that I don't particularly enjoy, both because it's difficult and a lot harder than I expected, and because it's not nearly as interesting as I believed it to be. My 6th form teacher highly romanticised what a physics degree would be like and it was much more nitty-gritty stuff. I think it will pick up, but right now. I have no direction for my life.

I went into physics because I wanted to do research, to learn and to aim for a Nobel prize, I don't want that any more. I want to do music. I want to follow something that I turned down when I was younger because I believed that I wouldn't be good enough, and threw away an amazing opportunity. I won't drop out of this degree because I'll lose the benefits of the Student finance scheme and I'll be a huge disappointment not only to myself but to my friends and family. I want to produce music, compose and play but at the moment, I don't have the facility to do those things and I have to wait.

I've got a girlfriend who I love very much but she's still in 6th form so I get to see her very rarely. I'm stuck and I don't know where to go, and I'm at a point where even though I think I have a direction, I can't go that way because of stupid expectations I have of the judgement I'll receive from people around me. I managed to get out of the city I was raised in that is pretty darn backwater and I'm now in a city that is pretty similar and has even less of a music scene, the university has shut down its music degree scheme.

Bleh, so I'm having a pretty miserable time of it and much of it is self inflicted.

I hope that you get out of Sydney though man. You deserve to be happy, as we all do, though sometimes I have self defeating moments where I manage to convince myself that I don't deserve to be happy, they're always fun. I didn't mean for this post to be about me so much. But yeah, the advice about getting an affordable hobby and taking up tennis again is great. Do things that you enjoy. Money may not always follow but money shouldn't be your greatest concern anyway.

Best Wishes :)

 

[elchupo]

I don't know what age you are (or anyone who feels like life is giving them trouble itt) but I know and can empathise with lots of stuff everyone has posted.

You leave high school, you can't wait to explode into life, to live the life that you've dreamed of, forget about everyone who was ever an asshole to you, to go to college and meet so many cool and like minded people, make life long friends and meet and sleep with as many people as you dare to dream of.

However, instead of exploding into life, you more just sort of stumble into it. I was the same. I went to university, which is something that I couldn't wait for. I couldn't wait to get out off my backwards-as-fuck town, and travel to a big city and meet people who I had things in common with. Here is where I first tripped up. Instead of going to college far, far away like I should have done, I went to one in the nearest "big" city, that a lot of people from my high school also went to. It was like high school V.2. I, and subsequently every one else, ended up only hanging around with our previous high school friends. They are great, but I missed out on sharing things with them that I knew they just wouldn't understand. Furthermore, I rushed into doing a useless course, fighting with myself everyday I went to class as to why I was doing it, until eventually I was in my final year and figured "Well I may as well finish the damn thing". So I did, and now I hold a degree in said useless subject.

In retrospect I now understand that the entire time I was at university, I suffered from not-insubstantial depression. On the outside, it wouldn't have been noticeable to all but the most astute. I had lots of friends, partied a lot, and managed to get good grades on top of it all. I was however, crippled by extreme self concious issues, which wasn't helped by the fact that everyone told me I was good looking. Basically I kept thinking "well what the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I feel so shitty about myself if I look as good as I'm told I do" (If that sounds like FirstWorldProblems to anyone, it is. But it still didn't stop me feeling that way).

This compounded with the problems mentioned above (shitty degree/ still living too close to home) along with the fact that I could NEVER, EVER let anyone I liked let them know that, which resulted in lots of not-having-sex.

All of this started keeping me awake until 4/5am every night. I started not going to class, sleeping in 'til 4/5 in the afternoon. This was in my final year. I still got a really good finishing grade in my degree, but like I mentioned, it was useless.

I finished university having not accomplished 1/10th of the things I had envisaged for myself. Like most others in this thread, I spent hours and hours wondering

What am I doing?
Why do I always do things the wrong way?
Why do I feel like this?
Will it ever change?

And even for a good 6 months after uni I still felt like that. I slinked back to my backwards-as-fuck town to live with my parents and basically did a whole lot of nothing. I felt like there was a clock over my head, time was ticking, I wasted my time at university and was wasting my time now. This lead to lots and lots of future planning, which all fell through because I wasn't planning things for the right reason, only so that I "wouldn't waste any more time". I found this quote by accident one day:

"If you can't figure out what you want to do in the future, start by doing what you want to do now".

And I thought "that's what I'm going to do". It wasn't some grand epiphany, it was more of a I'm-sick-of-feeling-like-this-and-I-need-to-do-something-about-it thing.

This was about a year and a half ago. I decided to go travelling, which I've been doing for the past 9 months. There have been some incredibly stressful times, I'm incredibly broke 99% of the time, but somehow, some-way, things have worked out OK. This has made me realise that life works in much the same way.

I can't pinpoint when or how it happened, but old insecurities started to drift away, things that I thought I would never be able to do I started doing, and parts of my personality that I hated that I thought were integral to me and would never change started to change.

If this sounds like some Eat-Pray-Love whatever bullshit, it's not. I don't even have the faintest clue where I want to be after these next few months are over, I still have to go back to school and get a better degree (no idea what though), some insecurities have gone but others linger and show no signs of going away, and I still haven't accomplished 1/10th of the things I thought I would have by this age.

The whole reason I think this came about was because I stopped worrying about where I should be along life by this age or that age, and started just doing what I wanted to do and being as honest with myself as possible as to the kind of life I wanted to live. It's simple in theory but incredible hard to do, and it's why so many people are unhappy in life.

By the way, I'm only 22 (nearly 23). So I have absolutely shitloads left to learn about absolutely everything, and older posters are probably laughing at my wiser-than-thou post, but it's simply my experience and something I think everyone goes through in some shape or form, especially in those formative post-high school/college years. I'm happier now than I was 1-2 years ago and all it boils down to starting to do the things that I wanted to.

And finally, some lyrics from one of the best songs ever written about such a topic.

"I've looked at life from both sides now,
From up and down and still somehow,
It's life's illusions I recall,
I really don't know life at all"

 

[capefeather]

My take on jobs is that they are essentially paid hobbies. The job you take isn't necessarily the activity you most enjoy; it is simply the one that's most able to make you money.

I don't think anyone is predicating that they know any ultimate truths--

the idea is that some of our ideas may be of use to junior. Whether they are or not, that's entirely up to his discretion; and junior knows well that it's up to him to decide what's useful and what's not. I don't think any of the posters believed themselves superior to junior.

This kind of goes unsaid though, no? Does this basic idea need to be established? .__.

Anybody can claim to have good intentions / good faith. But out of, say, the first ten responses, how many would you say actually went into this, really aspiring to give honest and intelligent advice? One guy's bragging about cars, another's blaming "the man", yet another is insulting the guy blaming "the man"... and at least one sounds like it's giving some kind of deep insight, when it's just throwing words around. Like I said, I'm not against the very concept of giving advice. My sig contains life advice. I just think that some people are going into this with an outlook that's more than a little delusional and presumptive.

Do you think that people who are anti-vaccination want people to die from measles?

 

[Trax]

All I can tell you is please don't make your job a life dream. All jobs, at the end of the day are gonna suck because doing the same thing day in day out, week in week out, year in year out is never gonna be fun and it'll always be a drag.

Realistically that depends what your job is. I know a lot of people who really enjoy their work, ultimately yes it's still a job and some days they have to get out of bed even when they don't want to do anything, but largely it's a net positive for them.

 

[junior]

i think something i read toward the end of last year really lit a fire under my butt, whether i knew it or not. i read an article in a magazine about bryan cranston, and his take on acting. he said something like "if you're going to act, you have to throw yourself into it. every bit, and never stop. i was 22, and decided 'this is it. i'm going to act. there's nothing else i want to do more.'"

taking his story to heart (especially the age bit!!) i decided that if i were ever going to jump into hollywood, it had to be now. so, i was googling summer acting programs. i stumbled upon some articles, and then an advertisement for the american academy of dramatic arts! they have various week-long programs for different fields related to acting, and i decided to apply to a 2-week program for film/television. about a week later, my phone reads an LA area code and i got a call saying that i was accepted! i was absolutely thrilled. acting is something i've always dreamed and mused about pursuing, and it didn't take much to take a legitimate step in that direction. when i'm actually in LA come late july, i think the experience is going to be phenomenal, and i couldn't be more excited.

i think life is magical, if only you seek where the magic lies. often time when i'm out in a very populated/open space, i like to merely sit on the floor. pop a squat! a literal slight change of perspective is very relieving to me, in that i'm removing myself from the atmosphere to observe rather than participate. if you sit in a field, or take a walk around a park, or just concentrate on your breathing at any given moment, you realize that life isn't really speeding by. you have so, so much time if only you utilize it. if you ever feel out of control, just take a deep breath. realize that whatever ails you can probably be fixed, and more probable, at the cost of less than an arm and a leg.

my sister has been married for over a year now (which blows my mind - she'll turn 21 in july) and i'm currently visiting her in north carolina! vacations are so nice, seriously. especially with family. it's really refreshing to remember what you're like without your significant other, or certain friends, or the neighborhood you're living in, and relish in being exactly yourself. however, having said that, i think that's something important to practice always doing - being absolutely, 100% yourself. embrace everything you like, even if it's trivial and silly. swat leaves when you're walking by trees, and stop to smell the roses, petunias, even the foliage you cannot identify. i think when you take the time to find pleasure in the simplest things of life, you realize that things can only get better, with a little more effort.

blah blah blah everyone just follow your dreams and be happy n shit :doom:

the last part of your post made me smile, and I don't think I've given a genuine smile all day today!

it's so true. So much beauty in the simplicity of life, but it's not hard to get caught up in societal expections of having to ace college, find an amazing job that suits you, have a partner, be social and all the other expectations that society has that comes along with it.

I feel like I really need some time off from all of these expectations (i percieve these expectations as a burden) just to find myself and put myself in the right headspace again. my mind is fucked.

I understand where you guys are coming from when you say to just go out and enjoy the smaller things in life, and I most certainly do! However, as I'm sure you're all aware of by now, there are moments when you are just sad and sad for absolutely no reason at all. With me, and people similar to me, we are ALWAYS sad and there's not much we can do about it.

it happens whenever it gets quiet. I mean, you can't CONSTANTLY be busy and distract yourself - that's just unrealistic!

sometimes you have no idea why you're so sad and angry, and everything just seems so fucked in your life and you have no control over it, or control over anything else and there's nothing you CAN do except break down and cry

and that's me every night :(

the worst part is unintentionally hurting and pushing everyone who tries to get close to you. I feel so fucking horrible for telling my parents off whenever they come to talk to me, I feel like the worst friend when people are texting me and I just turn my phone off. I don't do it because I hate them, iIdo it because when i'm alone it's MY time to stop putting a fake smile on and just be a mess. it's my alone time. people are just so toxic.

Hey junior, I find that your situation is similar to mine, in the respect that "nothing is going on". This is an interesting thread, because a few people have responded with similar sentiments, which indicates that "everyone else's life is racing ahead" isn't so true, as someone pointed out. I often wonder how common this feeling is among people our age. I think one thing that can help in the endeavor to try and do more is support from people in a similar situation. As capefeather said, advice from one person can do little or even be harmful to another, though that's not to say it can't be helpful either. When finding people who have similar goals to you though, supporting them by egging them on, telling them to get done what they might not be getting done, can really help. That said, feel free to send a PM, because it's possible we could work together well.

thank you for reaching out and offering :) there's not much I'm holding back in this thread though, and I don't really know why I'm not holding back here. Perhaps it's the semi-anonymity that I have here. Outside about 5 people here, nobody has me on fb but yeah.

I'm willing to be open in this thread, I don't mind you asking me anything even if it's out of curiosity. Who doesn't like to talk about themself, hey?

Also, I think this last post you wrote is quite faulty. While I'd guess that most people with a job would rather be able to live without having that job, it's definitely not true that all jobs suck at the end of the day, because there are plenty of people who really love what they do at their job, and would rather have it than not. Unless all of these people are unable to accurately represent their feelings, you can't make the claim you do. Some people have as an ideal a job doing something you would do in their free time, and some do indeed achieve that ideal. In this case, their thought process is probably more like:

I really enjoy doing X --> Oh I can do that as a job, sweet!

Rather than thinking of ideas for jobs first, so you have some truth in your post, in that in this case "job" isn't the attraction, but rather "enjoyable task X". There are examples of this in many areas of work. Personally, I really enjoy solving math/computer science problems, and being able to work in a related field is a dream. Now, your post does again have some truth in it, because jobs aren't perfect, and most certainly have red tape, headaches, etc. involved. For instance, while working in academia is a dream for me, I understand that there are plenty of frustrating aspects to it, for example meager pay in graduate school, fiercely having to compete for a professor job, and having to apply for many grants as a professor.

Also, there is plenty to look forward to when not doing work, even if that is your dream. Work can be very enjoyable and still hard, so a more relaxing activity is something to look forward to. Or, if you are single-mindedly into what you do as a job, maybe you just do more when you get home. And of course, people tend to have many interests. For instance, I love reading, playing games, and cooking, so if I were to get home from a job, any of those things would be quite pleasant.

Realistically that depends what your job is. I know a lot of people who really enjoy their work, ultimately yes it's still a job and some days they have to get out of bed even when they don't want to do anything, but largely it's a net positive for them.

I disagree Junior, I think you have to make your job a life dream, you are going to spend so much of your life doing it. I couldnt stand to work somewhere unless I thought at the end of it all I will have made something I can look at and say "that was probably worth the amount of time I spent on it".

I dont think you should make it your only life goal though.

Ok what I am going to say next is probably going to seem kinda self contradictory.

At the moment I am not doing anything I really give a shit about. I kinda always thought that my 20s I can spend gambling on whatever crazy schemes I felt like and if it came off it came off, and there was really never any risk of me being too poor. Maybe I am lucky in that regard, but, it really blows my mind that people without kids could run out of money.. If your job isnt covering your rent, I think you need to move or something.. Whatever, this is a tangent.

I was pretty depressed at Uni the first time too. Part of that for me was to do with having to make life decisions which requires actually thinking about the rest of your life and growing old and how shitty that will be.

But even after getting over that a lot of the time during my 20s I thought I wasnt really making progress, particularly in septembers (summer is coming, and you realise you have to spend the whole time catching up on the work you were too lazy to do over winter).

So when I neared the end of my 20s, I realised I had to do something sensible that would make some money so I started a CompSci degree. I dont love CS, I just do it because I knew I would be good at it and I could make a lot of money. But, at the same time, I know I can actually make something worthwhile, so I am not just making money for the sake of it.

And making money for the sake of it is pretty much what it would be otherwise. I used to worry that all the ambitions I have any more are negatives, along the lines of "I hope I dont get cancer". But on the other hand that kinda means that my life must be pretty good as it is.

So to summarise, because I dont think I really made it very clear what I am trying to say here. I went through a time which superficially at least sounds similar to what you are saying. I had some plans but I wasnt really making any progress, I am still unsure how much it was through lack of ability and how much through laziness or if there is any relevant difference. And these plans werent strong motivators to me because on the whole I didnt really give a shit about them. It was just something I thought might be a good idea. So for me the way through this wasnt about fulfilling my destiny or anything it was more by saying "fuck it, I'll just get a job instead".

What I would say is, if you are depressed and not just having a rough time at the moment, try changing your life. Get a job outdoors somewhere sunny. Uni isnt that important, and depression is balls. Its not worth it, especially if you are skipping classes anyway.

And the money spent is not a huge deal. Forget about it. You're young, there's plenty of time.

i just don't understand though, because I feel like no jobs are ever gonna be fun anyway. It can be rewarding in a certain way, but ultimately I don't think it can make you happy. Perhaps I'm wrong, hopefully I am wrong. I mean, I do understand that, for example, when a teacher successfully helps a child or successfully guides them, I'm sure there is fulfillment. But at the end of the day, are you yourself happy? I believe there's a difference between feeling fulfilled temporarily and being happy.

I just think nobody looks forward to work, and so why would your dream involve something that you don't actually look forward to? I think we should all have dreams that we truly are 100% HYPED UP about to make every day a bit easier. Or not even dreams, just something to look forward to at the end of the day. Whether it's your family, or a vacation you plan on going, or some sort of materialistic item you're saving up for idk.

I just want my dream to be something I can achieve on a regular basis, as well as something I can work on daily, as well as something to look forward to in both short and long terms. Sounds like a lot of dreams, but really it's one dream and that's to travel all around Australia in a caravan - something I can do over the summer, work towards during weekdays, have miniadventures on weekends and even do so after retirement.

I guess what I'm saying is that I think everybody should definitely have a dream that's big enough to last a life time, but something that can be constantly worked towards. That's not something a job can offer.



as regards to my depression, I do believe I should be taking time off uni, but again, expectations make it so hard. Who's to guarantee I'll have a position if I drop out? I guess I could defer but then there's also parents expectations. And also the age thing and everyone getting ahead of you.

I really do need time off to sort myself though, because I'm so mentally fucked right now that it isn't funny.

I haven't read everything in this thread but I just wanted to say I know how you feel junior.

I'm a first year at university. I'm doing a degree that I've realised that I don't particularly enjoy, both because it's difficult and a lot harder than I expected, and because it's not nearly as interesting as I believed it to be. My 6th form teacher highly romanticised what a physics degree would be like and it was much more nitty-gritty stuff. I think it will pick up, but right now. I have no direction for my life.

I went into physics because I wanted to do research, to learn and to aim for a Nobel prize, I don't want that any more. I want to do music. I want to follow something that I turned down when I was younger because I believed that I wouldn't be good enough, and threw away an amazing opportunity. I won't drop out of this degree because I'll lose the benefits of the Student finance scheme and I'll be a huge disappointment not only to myself but to my friends and family. I want to produce music, compose and play but at the moment, I don't have the facility to do those things and I have to wait.

I've got a girlfriend who I love very much but she's still in 6th form so I get to see her very rarely. I'm stuck and I don't know where to go, and I'm at a point where even though I think I have a direction, I can't go that way because of stupid expectations I have of the judgement I'll receive from people around me. I managed to get out of the city I was raised in that is pretty darn backwater and I'm now in a city that is pretty similar and has even less of a music scene, the university has shut down its music degree scheme.

Bleh, so I'm having a pretty miserable time of it and much of it is self inflicted.

I hope that you get out of Sydney though man. You deserve to be happy, as we all do, though sometimes I have self defeating moments where I manage to convince myself that I don't deserve to be happy, they're always fun. I didn't mean for this post to be about me so much. But yeah, the advice about getting an affordable hobby and taking up tennis again is great. Do things that you enjoy. Money may not always follow but money shouldn't be your greatest concern anyway.

Best Wishes :)

again, fucking societal pressure and everyone's expectations of you! It makes life so complicated, no matter how simple you aspire your life to be.

You definitely deserve to be happy as well. I think everyone deserves to be happy at the end of the day.

Honestly, I would say just do what makes you happy, but that would make me a hypocrite so I don't want to say that. I definitely would encourage it though and I definitely understand why it's so tough to just be like "YOLO I LIVE LIFE ON DA EDGE" and go your own path.

I think the most scary thing as well is the unknown - like, if you suddenly switch paths in life to be happy, could you fuck up your future even more than just going down the road everyone expects you to go down?

idk.

I don't know what age you are (or anyone who feels like life is giving them trouble itt) but I know and can empathise with lots of stuff everyone has posted.

You leave high school, you can't wait to explode into life, to live the life that you've dreamed of, forget about everyone who was ever an asshole to you, to go to college and meet so many cool and like minded people, make life long friends and meet and sleep with as many people as you dare to dream of.

However, instead of exploding into life, you more just sort of stumble into it. I was the same. I went to university, which is something that I couldn't wait for. I couldn't wait to get out off my backwards-as-fuck town, and travel to a big city and meet people who I had things in common with. Here is where I first tripped up. Instead of going to college far, far away like I should have done, I went to one in the nearest "big" city, that a lot of people from my high school also went to. It was like high school V.2. I, and subsequently every one else, ended up only hanging around with our previous high school friends. They are great, but I missed out on sharing things with them that I knew they just wouldn't understand. Furthermore, I rushed into doing a useless course, fighting with myself everyday I went to class as to why I was doing it, until eventually I was in my final year and figured "Well I may as well finish the damn thing". So I did, and now I hold a degree in said useless subject.

In retrospect I now understand that the entire time I was at university, I suffered from not-insubstantial depression. On the outside, it wouldn't have been noticeable to all but the most astute. I had lots of friends, partied a lot, and managed to get good grades on top of it all. I was however, crippled by extreme self concious issues, which wasn't helped by the fact that everyone told me I was good looking. Basically I kept thinking "well what the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I feel so shitty about myself if I look as good as I'm told I do" (If that sounds like FirstWorldProblems to anyone, it is. But it still didn't stop me feeling that way).

This compounded with the problems mentioned above (shitty degree/ still living too close to home) along with the fact that I could NEVER, EVER let anyone I liked let them know that, which resulted in lots of not-having-sex.

All of this started keeping me awake until 4/5am every night. I started not going to class, sleeping in 'til 4/5 in the afternoon. This was in my final year. I still got a really good finishing grade in my degree, but like I mentioned, it was useless.

I finished university having not accomplished 1/10th of the things I had envisaged for myself. Like most others in this thread, I spent hours and hours wondering

What am I doing?
Why do I always do things the wrong way?
Why do I feel like this?
Will it ever change?

And even for a good 6 months after uni I still felt like that. I slinked back to my backwards-as-fuck town to live with my parents and basically did a whole lot of nothing. I felt like there was a clock over my head, time was ticking, I wasted my time at university and was wasting my time now. This lead to lots and lots of future planning, which all fell through because I wasn't planning things for the right reason, only so that I "wouldn't waste any more time". I found this quote by accident one day:

"If you can't figure out what you want to do in the future, start by doing what you want to do now".

And I thought "that's what I'm going to do". It wasn't some grand epiphany, it was more of a I'm-sick-of-feeling-like-this-and-I-need-to-do-something-about-it thing.

This was about a year and a half ago. I decided to go travelling, which I've been doing for the past 9 months. There have been some incredibly stressful times, I'm incredibly broke 99% of the time, but somehow, some-way, things have worked out OK. This has made me realise that life works in much the same way.

I can't pinpoint when or how it happened, but old insecurities started to drift away, things that I thought I would never be able to do I started doing, and parts of my personality that I hated that I thought were integral to me and would never change started to change.

If this sounds like some Eat-Pray-Love whatever bullshit, it's not. I don't even have the faintest clue where I want to be after these next few months are over, I still have to go back to school and get a better degree (no idea what though), some insecurities have gone but others linger and show no signs of going away, and I still haven't accomplished 1/10th of the things I thought I would have by this age.

The whole reason I think this came about was because I stopped worrying about where I should be along life by this age or that age, and started just doing what I wanted to do and being as honest with myself as possible as to the kind of life I wanted to live. It's simple in theory but incredible hard to do, and it's why so many people are unhappy in life.

By the way, I'm only 22 (nearly 23). So I have absolutely shitloads left to learn about absolutely everything, and older posters are probably laughing at my wiser-than-thou post, but it's simply my experience and something I think everyone goes through in some shape or form, especially in those formative post-high school/college years. I'm happier now than I was 1-2 years ago and all it boils down to starting to do the things that I wanted to.

And finally, some lyrics from one of the best songs ever written about such a topic.

"I've looked at life from both sides now,
From up and down and still somehow,
It's life's illusions I recall,
I really don't know life at all"

totally get you!

I honestly think the high school curriculum from everywhere needs a review. Yes, all the subjects are important and yes it will ultimately lead us to a career path, but what about the OTHER aspects of life?

Honestly, there should be a mandatory subject that teaches you about life's ups and downs, forshadow what could potentially happen, about existentialism, loneliness, about the real values of the smaller things in life and not just work and school, about society's expectations whether it is about achievement or weight or something idk

 

[capefeather]

I don't see why a job has to be so different from everything else we do that it has to be incapable of making people happy. I think that people treat jobs as something you do to make money, rather than something you like doing that happens to make you money. Of course, it's hard not to see jobs as something you do to make money, since you have to make money on something. It also depends largely on how you spend the money you earn. If you're doing your job to make money, AND you don't see any kind of purpose to your money, then you'll see no purpose to your job.

Even in the absence of money, everything we ever commit to is going to give us problems. I wouldn't take this to mean that we don't really enjoy what we do. I think people tend to prefer satisfaction over superficial joys. That's why kindergarten teachers put up with all the shit they put up with.

Basically this, I guess.

 

[tape]

funny how the one saying no one has given junior proper advice now claims that his advice is the best and only answer.

one thing ive learned is that, generally, there isnt only one answer to a question or one road towards a destination.

although i do agree with your views personally, i think you need to come off your high horse.

life is as magical as you make it be. im glad i was born curious.

edit: also late but

acting is something i've always dreamed and mused about pursuing, and it didn't take much to take a legitimate step in that direction. when i'm actually in LA come late july, i think the experience is going to be phenomenal, and i couldn't be more excited.

this is something everyone not content enough with their life should do. take a new/different step somewhere else.

edit2: almost no one seemed to care to teach us about how to live a happy life while we were growing up, it seems.

 

[Soul Fly]

edit2: almost no one seemed to care to teach us about how to live a happy life while we were growing up, it seems.

They were more concerned with making sure that we became "successful"

 

[elchupo]

@CapeFeather
I think this mentality is very naive, or else is coming from someone in a very privileged position. Lots and lots and lots of young people (and even older) have had to forgo finding their "dream" job or even a job that they like to do and simply stick with whatever crappy job they have simply because it IS a job. Jobs are hard to come by (any jobs, but GOOD ones especially) and people need money to live. Ergo, many people work shitty jobs so that they have money to eat, pay bills and enjoy whatever things they like to do outside of work. Therefore, most people work jobs simply to get money. It has nothing to do with how people "spend" their money, or how they "see" their jobs.

Anyway, I think talking about not being told or "taught" how to have a happy life is pointless. Probably, many of us were, but we just discarded it, or didn't listen. And what good is teaching something really? Someone can teach you about heartbreak, but you don't truly know it until you experience it, and the same goes for true happiness, loneliness, lust, love etc etc. Life is learning, wisdom comes with age and all that stuff.

I do think, however, our society places too much emphasis on being "happy", especially if you're young. If you're not happy, something is wrong with you, or you're just not making the most of life. The worst thing is is that everyone knows this is bullshit, but still feels the need to put on a front. I think this accounts for why so many 18-25 YO feel utterly lost sometimes, because when they look around it's so hard to find others who are experiencing what they are, because, like I said, everyone is too busy pretending to be happy.

 

[jeb4]

@CapeFeather
I think this mentality is very naive, or else is coming from someone in a very privileged position. Lots and lots and lots of young people (and even older) have had to forgo finding their "dream" job or even a job that they like to do and simply stick with whatever crappy job they have simply because it IS a job. Jobs are hard to come by (any jobs, but GOOD ones especially) and people need money to live. Ergo, many people work shitty jobs so that they have money to eat, pay bills and enjoy whatever things they like to do outside of work. Therefore, most people work jobs simply to get money. It has nothing to do with how people "spend" their money, or how they "see" their jobs.

That perspective only holds true because of the wrong reasons. Almost every person I talked to in high school wanted to be the next millionaire or whatever on that scale. When you have dreams like this you have to accept or understand first how unrealistic or just flat out hard this is, but most people don't and when they see they can't come anywhere close to this they view anything less as "shitty".

That's just one thing, and some people don't see huge money making jobs as happy etc or they didn't actually set dreams and goals that high, but probably the biggest problem comes from education. This isn't really an education thread but I think people know where this is going to go. When you see your average high school girl see a baby as the new accessory, and everyday becomes a partyfest, I don't really see any room for sympathy when they come back complaining about a shitty life later (happened with my high school friends too, I just nodded my head and fake teared).

Now take for example a kid who studies his best in high school, that high school work pays off to a good college with decent scholarships and financial government aid, and continues to study hard and graduate. I don't know a single person who had this early life and went to some shit job they didn't like, regardless of background.

 

[capefeather]

I didn't say anything of the sort. I was not giving overly generalized advice to specific people (what I criticized others for doing), but replying to specific comments about people in general (that none of them enjoy their jobs). I thought maybe this claim was a sign of something unhealthy, but I didn't go so far as to assume anything about what junior or anybody was going through. I didn't even say my answer was "the best" or "the only" one, or even that it was an answer to anything specific. I'm sorry if I came off otherwise.

It's true, lots of people don't like their jobs, for one reason or another. Not every job is a challenge that makes people just hate it in the moment. Most probably aren't. Like I said: "Of course, it's hard not to see jobs as something you do to make money, since you have to make money on something." And yes, how you spend your money (typically altruistic spending) does affect the happiness you gain from it. There are studies. Of course, having enough money to spend altruistically really, really helps.

 

[tape]

you probably could be altruistic without money

 

[capefeather]

Why are you so bent on painting me as some kind of money idealist? What's your goal here? I don't get it.

 

[tape]

this is probably the first time i "paint" you as a money idealist and i assure you that was not my intention.

but if the glove fits... <----- this is me painting you as a money idealist now though because i wonder where you got that idea from

 

[capefeather]

The VM you sent me was where I got that idea.

Anyway, this is clearly a misunderstanding. From my first post I have stated that it wasn't the actual act of advice-giving that I had a problem with. Everything will inevitably sound like, or be interpreted as, advice of some sort. My problem is with people who are essentially "other-optimizing", i.e. projecting their experiences onto other people and assuming that what worked for them will work for everyone else. This inevitably happens when people make the thread about the OP. Of course, the OP clearly is about the problems that junior is facing, but by making the discussion entirely about junior's perceived problems, we're just talking about the victim, and then we have no one to blame but the victim. Sometimes what people need is not just advice directed solely at them, as if they're alone in their problems, but support in other forms, like relating to the problems. Sharing.

My comments about jobs were a bit tangent to the thread, sure. They weren't about junior or anybody in particular. People are often forced into jobs because of limited skill-sets or whatever other reasons. I don't have a job right now. I guess my message in mentioning it was two-fold: that not all jobs have to be chores, and that activities that aren't paid jobs can be chores as well. So looking for something other than a paid job to make you happy is not necessarily the answer.

The ironic thing about your complaints about my posts is that my whole point is that money is not correlated with happiness past some high amount. I've seen differing figures for this amount, ranging between $75k and $300k. It doesn't even really need to be money, as you said. Giving things to people potentially increases our happiness, and that usually requires sacrificing resources of some sort.

 

[tape]

The VM you sent me was where I got that idea.

Anyway, this is clearly a misunderstanding. From my first post I have stated that it wasn't the actual act of advice-giving that I had a problem with. Everything will inevitably sound like, or be interpreted as, advice of some sort. My problem is with people who are essentially "other-optimizing", i.e. projecting their experiences onto other people and assuming that what worked for them will work for everyone else. This inevitably happens when people make the thread about the OP. Of course, the OP clearly is about the problems that junior is facing, but by making the discussion entirely about junior's perceived problems, we're just talking about the victim, and then we have no one to blame but the victim. Sometimes what people need is not just advice directed solely at them, as if they're alone in their problems, but support in other forms, like relating to the problems. Sharing.

Yes

My comments about jobs were a bit tangent to the thread, sure. They weren't about junior or anybody in particular. People are often forced into jobs because of limited skill-sets or whatever other reasons. I don't have a job right now. I guess my message in mentioning it was two-fold: that not all jobs have to be chores, and that activities that aren't paid jobs can be chores as well. So looking for something other than a paid job to make you happy is not necessarily the answer.

Yes.

The ironic thing about your complaints about my posts is that my whole point is that money is not correlated with happiness past some high amount. I've seen differing figures for this amount, ranging between $75k and $300k. It doesn't even really need to be money, as you said. Giving things to people potentially increases our happiness, and that usually requires sacrificing resources of some sort.

Not so much but sort-of; I see your point yet disagree. Generally the only resource I see myself "sacrificing" is time and energy and I have plenty of both.

edit: i guess the keyword is "usually" ;D

edit2: i finished reading the article and i still kinda dont get the point. so because we dont know, we shouldnt mess with other people? when i offer advice to other people, im fully aware that it might or mightnt work. if they dont get it, i try with a different way: something different from how >I< would do it. I've found great success helping my classmates in my basic welding class (with basic math, because being a middle-high class citizen that's obviously a breeze) with patience and trial-and-error. i realized that, even in the most simple of operations, a group of 13~ or so people could have like 4 different ways to do certain operations. that was quite a shocker to me; i kinda always assumed everyone did it the same!

and i feel this is what we're all collectively doing here. we're all throwing our 2 cents, pesos, euros, (etc) and then maybe junior will get what works.

i still stand by my point: do what you like and makes you happy. it could be sports, it could be education, it could be total isolation (good luck with that one), it could be anything. or i guess it could be nothing.

blah blah blah, i am/was personally telling junior to try something new, to move on, and do what you like.

 

[capefeather]

Well, if this is about my earlier posts offending you in particular, I'm sorry if I came off that way.

 

[mirza]

Young people look toward the future, the old look back on the past. Both (future and past) are illusions. Don't think about it so much. What you're feeling is 100% normal Junior. It's what makes you human. We're all the same. This is just my armchair philosophy but I think people get caught up way too much thinking about 'happiness.' Like happiness is some kind of achievement. or that the people who are 'enjoying life' are the ones that are 'happy.' When really it's all perspective. The person you might perceive as happy could be crying once they get home. Just be grateful for your health, family, friends, and keep things in perspective. Happiness comes and goes, just keep your head on tight. Imagine how retarded we'd all look if we were crazy happy all the time. You'd think we're all drugged.

Don't worry so much. That and over thinking will draw anybody into depression. Boredom, too. Just think how many other students out there have similar situations. You live in Sydney. I live in Bowling Green, Kentucky.. lol..think about that. Do you think I want to stay? But I know in 3 more years I'll have a degree and can pursue independence. You have a similar path, just pace yourself and don't take it all so serious.

Find somebody to fuck. Can't be sad when you're having good times. :)

I've had depression in different forms over the last few years too. Right now I feel like I can choose to not be depressed. And I've had the shittiest year in terms of finances and loneliness and all that. It's normal.

 

[Dia]

(before u read on, I hope you guys can share your thoughts and experiences about life too)

anyway, does anyone else feel like their life is at such a standstill? Like nothing is happening?

I basically I couldn't sleep tonight and I was just having heaps of thoughts and stuff and I'd just like to point out one thing

it's the end of April. That's a third of this year gone. In a flash. And I feel like I've done absolutely nothing. Nothing has changed at all from the end of last year until now. Absolutely nothing. I'm still super unhappy with everything.

I feel like I'm just floating in space while everyone else's life is racing ahead. I know life isn't a race but at the same time I can't help but feel like I'm not living. There's no personal satisfaction in my life right now. I don't feel like I've accomplished anything, or done anything. I'm not doing ANYTHING I love, nor do I have anybody to love.

Apparently, having dreams is supposed to make you fulfilled and feel like your life is worthwhile. I have big dreams of leaving Sydney behind one day, maybe with someone I love, and explore every bit of this beautiful continent and just escape. Even then, I'm not happy at all even with life goals I can work towards.


I really fucking hate Sydney btw, as beautiful as it is. So many horrible memories from high school and even post-high school life. I think the problem is that I don't feel in control at all. I feel like it's always my parents, or high school bullies, or others that control my life. I just want happy and to be free. I just want a simple life in a small home with just enough to get by. It just seems so unattainable and far away.

I know that it's the smaller things in life that matter. I know it first hand because I'm sentimental as hell, but our current society is exposed to so much out there because of the internet that you can't help but wonder what's out there. You can't help but dream big. Can dreams be too big? Are my dreams too big if it makes me feel absolutely stuck in life?

It's like I'm just existing, and not living. There's no direction in my life. And really, I tell all my friends I'm happy being single but I still wish I loved someone who loved me back.

I can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy, but I promise I'm doing the best I can.

thanks to anyone who stuck with this post till the end

I understand you. But only you can make change in your life. Been there, done that. I know that is sounds like a bunch of BS, but it's not. Do stuff you wouldn't usually do. Talk to people more. Go hiking. Date more.
And, most importantly, don't worry about what others think and don't put a lot of feelings into one relationship.

 

[capefeather]

"But only you can make change in your life."

So... What does this mean? People say variations of this so many times, but often it's used by ultraconservatives and libertarians to straw man everybody else. So I'd really like to know what this is supposed to mean, because from where I'm standing, it actually doesn't mean anything. A literal reading of this sentence is false in the most hilariously trivial manner possible. Even if you disregard the collection of powerful people in the world who could easily alter the lives of people like junior, you have the people in one's immediate vicinity.

The reason I originally latched onto this thread was this:

I think the problem is that I don't feel in control at all. I feel like it's always my parents, or high school bullies, or others that control my life. I just want happy and to be free. I just want a simple life in a small home with just enough to get by. It just seems so unattainable and far away.

Your advice is clearly directed at junior, or at least to people with problems similar to junior's. So I have to ask: Is the advice actually pertinent to the situations described, or is it a one-size-fits-all passcode used to respond to everyone who thinks his/her life sucks?

"And, most importantly, don't worry about what others think"

That's actually very hard to do or even justify doing when "others" include people you care about and/or have significantly invested in your life.

There are a lot of empty sayings out there that are commonly taught to children and lazily repeated to adults. "Be yourself." These sayings just make people feel better in the short run, but eventually they look at their lives again and think, "Wait a minute..." They can be very detrimental and crippling. I wish people would stop relying on them.