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Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread

I'm writing this right now because I feel like I'm never going to be good at anything, known for anything, or respected.

Pokemon feels like the last hope for me to have some sense of having pride in myself for accomplishment and or claim to achievement in myself, but that's it.

I'm 25, a graduate from college and went to become a cartoonist, and a year later I can't get a job anywhere to support myself. All my friends have moved away and are all building their own families now, and I'm in credit card debt still living with my parents, who are also pretty preoccupied and don't do anything with me anymore, currently unemployed, working for uber on occasion and taking classes at a tech school for a career I don't want to do but end up having to do just to survive. I do therapy, but sometimes it just feels like I'm paying somebody to vent to, and feels like a waste of money.

I've been playing Pokemon for more than two-thirds of my life, and I'm just beside myself that the thing I thought I was exceptional at in my own mind is nothing more than an illusion. What's worse, is that here, in these communities, I can't communicate correctly or feel like I'm wanted or positively affirmed for being here. I've joined discords, played in some small metas here and there, and tried to be a part of scenes, but I just feel so much like an outcast because of my inexperience, and my own opinions towards Smogon that make me a bit of an outcast in my own right opinion-wise. I've been talked about behind my back before, intimidated and scorned by notable figures, and just feel like I don't deserve to even be playing this game just because of how bad I feel like I am on ladder and in discords.

Actual nights have been spent crying about my state in the scene, with one night considering overdosing. I take 90 mg Cymbalta, and sometimes it isn't effective enough to stop how bad I feel about myself.

At this point, I don't even really want to make friends here anymore, despite how much I want them. I honestly wish I could be the best at the games I play, out of spite, so that I can stand over the people that ridiculed me before and have an aura of authority they never thought I'd be able to achieve.

I also wish I could make a scene for myself, away from the discords that are established, and or make my own formats that feel much better than the status quo of what Smogon uses for singles, but every time I talk about this, I just remember how busy I am in life, how insignificant I'd be compared to the rest of the scene, and how sad of a state I am in to find the most amount of joy in my life nowadays chasing glory for myself in a children's rpg.

Is this loving myself? Because this is what I want. I want recognition. I want power. I want respect. I want friends, love, and I want to be the very best like no one ever was, but I just feel so ridiculously alone despite the cultivation in each format.

Maybe I'm complaining too much, or maybe this seems incomprehensible or incoherent. I'm sorry. I just needed to put this out here somewhere. I'm sick of feeling like a burden, or an annoyance. I want to be looked at and desired for my skills, or my knowledge, or just...anything.
 
Josh Fleszar said:
I'm writing this right now because I feel like I'm never going to be good at anything, known for anything, or respected.

Pokemon feels like the last hope for me to have some sense of having pride in myself for accomplishment and or claim to achievement in myself, but that's it.

I'm 25, a graduate from college and went to become a cartoonist, and a year later I can't get a job anywhere to support myself. All my friends have moved away and are all building their own families now, and I'm in credit card debt still living with my parents, who are also pretty preoccupied and don't do anything with me anymore, currently unemployed, working for uber on occasion and taking classes at a tech school for a career I don't want to do but end up having to do just to survive. I do therapy, but sometimes it just feels like I'm paying somebody to vent to, and feels like a waste of money.

I've been playing Pokemon for more than two-thirds of my life, and I'm just beside myself that the thing I thought I was exceptional at in my own mind is nothing more than an illusion. What's worse, is that here, in these communities, I can't communicate correctly or feel like I'm wanted or positively affirmed for being here. I've joined discords, played in some small metas here and there, and tried to be a part of scenes, but I just feel so much like an outcast because of my inexperience, and my own opinions towards Smogon that make me a bit of an outcast in my own right opinion-wise. I've been talked about behind my back before, intimidated and scorned by notable figures, and just feel like I don't deserve to even be playing this game just because of how bad I feel like I am on ladder and in discords.

Actual nights have been spent crying about my state in the scene, with one night considering overdosing. I take 90 mg Cymbalta, and sometimes it isn't effective enough to stop how bad I feel about myself.

At this point, I don't even really want to make friends here anymore, despite how much I want them. I honestly wish I could be the best at the games I play, out of spite, so that I can stand over the people that ridiculed me before and have an aura of authority they never thought I'd be able to achieve.

I also wish I could make a scene for myself, away from the discords that are established, and or make my own formats that feel much better than the status quo of what Smogon uses for singles, but every time I talk about this, I just remember how busy I am in life, how insignificant I'd be compared to the rest of the scene, and how sad of a state I am in to find the most amount of joy in my life nowadays chasing glory for myself in a children's rpg.

Is this loving myself? Because this is what I want. I want recognition. I want power. I want respect. I want friends, love, and I want to be the very best like no one ever was, but I just feel so ridiculously alone despite the cultivation in each format.

Maybe I'm complaining too much, or maybe this seems incomprehensible or incoherent. I'm sorry. I just needed to put this out here somewhere. I'm sick of feeling like a burden, or an annoyance. I want to be looked at and desired for my skills, or my knowledge, or just...anything.
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I speak from experience when I say this. Your first mistake was at the very end of this post- you don't need to apologize for wanting to communicate how you feel. We can never fully understand what other people are going through, but I too struggle with selling myself short. I've always been the one on the receiving end of help in my personal life, it feels like, and it's made me very prideful about being able to do things on my own because, I tell myself, "I'm never going to be able to live on my own."

One of the best things you can do is try and examine your options. it sounds to me like you just want to feel understood and acknowledged. Knowing this, take a moment or two every couple of days and ask yourself, "what makes me who I am?" You may be in a rough spot now, sure, but you clearly did something right to at least make it to where you are now. Ask yourself why that is. None of us would even be here if there wasn't some unknown reason for it. Like me, you're looking for a sense of purpose. The thing is, your purpose is what you decide to make of life. If you believe you have skills and knowledge, perhaps try and explore options of how to share those with and for other people. There is happiness to be found in being able to add something to this world- you just have to figure out what that is for you. You're in no rush- recall that you still have much of your life ahead of you.
 
i recently had a dream where my dad (rip) told me "people understand you more than you think" and i woke up unable to sleep; for obvious reasons but i appreciated it so much. "you dont need to be the show for them anymore, they bank on that, you're the rock, not the caricature" is what really got me.
 
This game makes me so unbelieveably frustrated and miserable.
I cannot believe how infuriating this game is. I don't know how I can improve. I'm using proven teams, I'm trying to study and predict right, but I'm falling and falling in ELO and losing so badly whether its by RNG or my opponent just having a superior move.

I just want to be good. I want a coach, or more resources. I just want to feel like I'm worth something here.
 
Josh Fleszar said:
This game makes me so unbelieveably frustrated and miserable.
I cannot believe how infuriating this game is. I don't know how I can improve. I'm using proven teams, I'm trying to study and predict right, but I'm falling and falling in ELO and losing so badly whether its by RNG or my opponent just having a superior move.

I just want to be good. I want a coach, or more resources. I just want to feel like I'm worth something here.
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tutoring is open to pretty much everyone, the requirements are almost as low as humanly possible (1 month old account + 15 posts made on the forums). Find a format you want to get better at, sign-up for tutoring and hope someone picks you up. Because that (understandably) takes a while, you can also simply join the main smogon discord, build teams and ask for advice on how to make them better since teambuilding is usually a good way to gauge how in tune you are with any given meta at a certain time.
If you don't wanna do any of that, you can always smash your head against the brick wall of the countless tournaments that exist and try and analyze why you lost each game with hindsight.
 
Lasen said:
tutoring is open to pretty much everyone, the requirements are almost as low as humanly possible (1 month old account + 15 posts made on the forums). Find a format you want to get better at, sign-up for tutoring and hope someone picks you up. Because that (understandably) takes a while, you can also simply join the main smogon discord, build teams and ask for advice on how to make them better since teambuilding is usually a good way to gauge how in tune you are with any given meta at a certain time.
If you don't wanna do any of that, you can always smash your head against the brick wall of the countless tournaments that exist and try and analyze why you lost each game with hindsight.
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I applied to the Apprenticeship program, just waiting. It's mostly ADV I want to be known for. I'm on the discords for those and I've been a little intimidated by some of the members there, but I've been slowly making a few aquaintences here and there that help me. I'm just frustrated I'm sinking so low. I started 2 months ago getting serious and was 1587 at one point, then fell to 1250 this week. I feel like a loser.
 
Josh Fleszar said:
I applied to the Apprenticeship program, just waiting. It's mostly ADV I want to be known for. I'm on the discords for those and I've been a little intimidated by some of the members there, but I've been slowly making a few aquaintences here and there that help me. I'm just frustrated I'm sinking so low. I started 2 months ago getting serious and was 1587 at one point, then fell to 1250 this week. I feel like a loser.
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Josh Fleszar said:
I'm writing this right now because I feel like I'm never going to be good at anything, known for anything, or respected.

Pokemon feels like the last hope for me to have some sense of having pride in myself for accomplishment and or claim to achievement in myself, but that's it.

I'm 25, a graduate from college and went to become a cartoonist, and a year later I can't get a job anywhere to support myself. All my friends have moved away and are all building their own families now, and I'm in credit card debt still living with my parents, who are also pretty preoccupied and don't do anything with me anymore, currently unemployed, working for uber on occasion and taking classes at a tech school for a career I don't want to do but end up having to do just to survive. I do therapy, but sometimes it just feels like I'm paying somebody to vent to, and feels like a waste of money.

I've been playing Pokemon for more than two-thirds of my life, and I'm just beside myself that the thing I thought I was exceptional at in my own mind is nothing more than an illusion. What's worse, is that here, in these communities, I can't communicate correctly or feel like I'm wanted or positively affirmed for being here. I've joined discords, played in some small metas here and there, and tried to be a part of scenes, but I just feel so much like an outcast because of my inexperience, and my own opinions towards Smogon that make me a bit of an outcast in my own right opinion-wise. I've been talked about behind my back before, intimidated and scorned by notable figures, and just feel like I don't deserve to even be playing this game just because of how bad I feel like I am on ladder and in discords.

Actual nights have been spent crying about my state in the scene, with one night considering overdosing. I take 90 mg Cymbalta, and sometimes it isn't effective enough to stop how bad I feel about myself.

At this point, I don't even really want to make friends here anymore, despite how much I want them. I honestly wish I could be the best at the games I play, out of spite, so that I can stand over the people that ridiculed me before and have an aura of authority they never thought I'd be able to achieve.

I also wish I could make a scene for myself, away from the discords that are established, and or make my own formats that feel much better than the status quo of what Smogon uses for singles, but every time I talk about this, I just remember how busy I am in life, how insignificant I'd be compared to the rest of the scene, and how sad of a state I am in to find the most amount of joy in my life nowadays chasing glory for myself in a children's rpg.

Is this loving myself? Because this is what I want. I want recognition. I want power. I want respect. I want friends, love, and I want to be the very best like no one ever was, but I just feel so ridiculously alone despite the cultivation in each format.

Maybe I'm complaining too much, or maybe this seems incomprehensible or incoherent. I'm sorry. I just needed to put this out here somewhere. I'm sick of feeling like a burden, or an annoyance. I want to be looked at and desired for my skills, or my knowledge, or just...anything.
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Your posts in this thread took a lot of courage to write and I respect you for being so vulnerable in a public setting. I recognize that you are struggling and I empathize with your struggles. What I write in this post is not meant to attack or demean you, but to simply offer my candid thoughts in an attempt to challenge you and your thoughts a little bit.

With all due respect, your approach to Smogon and the game of Pokemon is really unhealthy. Some of the things you've said are really concerning, even more so because they are about a hobby that should be fun. But instead, it seems like it's causing you a lot of suffering and anguish. I'm worried about you. I definitely understand wanting to be a part of a community, be respected, have friends, etc. But I would really encourage you to reflect and think deeply on why Smogon/Pokemon is the route that's going to lead you in that direction. When you say that the game makes you unbelievably frustrated and miserable, why do you keep playing? Is being motivated by spite to be good at Pokemon really a good way to move forward?

I am not a professional of any kind and I'm not trying to "psychoanalyze" you or anything but I seriously feel you would be well served by taking a step back from Pokemon and Smogon. I understand your real life predicament is challenging and perhaps this hobby is a way to escape that. And I would get it if Pokemon was giving you a lot of joy and a sense of worth, but it's not; it's compounding your negative feelings. You are doing a lot of positive things in your life, even if it doesn't feel like that. Going to therapy is good. Taking classes and trying to find your path in life is good. Personally, I think engaging in the world more would be good for you. Getting literally any job, volunteering, exercising, getting a hobby that lets you meet people, etc., these are all things that I think are worth a shot because they put you out into the world and also have the possibility of creating a community for you to be a part of.

Being "good" or "successful" on Smogon is not going to be the panacea that perhaps you think it is. If you cannot function in real life because of this site and are only continuing out of spite, then I strongly believe you need to take a break and reassess your relationship with the game. Continually putting yourself through suffering for what should be a fun hobby doesn't make sense.

Best of luck.
 
got a nice lil vacation coming up on saturday for like 9 days, cant wait.
sadly my brother and his gf (shes a gaslighter and he responds in kind cus they failed on their own [and im saying it this way on purpose]) you came back here and imposed on us. you don't run anything here. even moms says it was a favor to her son (him).

he was super disrespectful last night to me and even my mother and ruined our lil sisters bday cus his girl gaslighted him (literally over our dog just jumping up on sum1, doggo is a mush he was just excited cus people was on the ground with him and young doggo got excited, expectedly... and he (brother) in turn got mad: dont threaten (he did) or talk bout my dog - no humanity - related or nah places above my dog.) ---- after the nonsense i mentioned in the past of my family wronging me and me coming back when my dad died i dont have the patience for this anymore. (Wasnt he the one messing up then? - Ive looked out for this dude (brother) forever but now i see the respect ain't mutual - cool, screw him)

shame i was planning to enjoy days chilling with esp my brother but if you wanna be fake tough and talk crazy yall can figure it out alone.
ps5 and be it friends/interests i wanna see in that time got yall beat.

i even told Moms "That was the last of my patience for them. We already paid legal bills for your dumb ish, I aint doing disrespect now. "Thanks" is all that should be respected there." No one needs to hear more from you but (once again) "Thank you."
 
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JALMONT said:
Your posts in this thread took a lot of courage to write and I respect you for being so vulnerable in a public setting. I recognize that you are struggling and I empathize with your struggles. What I write in this post is not meant to attack or demean you, but to simply offer my candid thoughts in an attempt to challenge you and your thoughts a little bit.

With all due respect, your approach to Smogon and the game of Pokemon is really unhealthy. Some of the things you've said are really concerning, even more so because they are about a hobby that should be fun. But instead, it seems like it's causing you a lot of suffering and anguish. I'm worried about you. I definitely understand wanting to be a part of a community, be respected, have friends, etc. But I would really encourage you to reflect and think deeply on why Smogon/Pokemon is the route that's going to lead you in that direction. When you say that the game makes you unbelievably frustrated and miserable, why do you keep playing? Is being motivated by spite to be good at Pokemon really a good way to move forward?

I am not a professional of any kind and I'm not trying to "psychoanalyze" you or anything but I seriously feel you would be well served by taking a step back from Pokemon and Smogon. I understand your real life predicament is challenging and perhaps this hobby is a way to escape that. And I would get it if Pokemon was giving you a lot of joy and a sense of worth, but it's not; it's compounding your negative feelings. You are doing a lot of positive things in your life, even if it doesn't feel like that. Going to therapy is good. Taking classes and trying to find your path in life is good. Personally, I think engaging in the world more would be good for you. Getting literally any job, volunteering, exercising, getting a hobby that lets you meet people, etc., these are all things that I think are worth a shot because they put you out into the world and also have the possibility of creating a community for you to be a part of.

Being "good" or "successful" on Smogon is not going to be the panacea that perhaps you think it is. If you cannot function in real life because of this site and are only continuing out of spite, then I strongly believe you need to take a break and reassess your relationship with the game. Continually putting yourself through suffering for what should be a fun hobby doesn't make sense.

Best of luck.
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I'm working out 3 to 5 times a week, I just got a job, and I'm doing all I can with personal projects.

Pokemon feel like the only thing I can have fun with nowadays. This is what I want to do. The thrill of rising up and giving myself a sense of accomplishment in being the best in something I value a lot is what I want. The spite comes from the community, because of how I was treated in the formats. I wouldn't mind this game if it was good experiences, but half of them have stuck with me and I've held a grudge towards a lot of people, which, whenever I lose, can only imagine their laughing at me to and behind my back, or shaking their heads in shame in thinking I thought I had a chance. I want to prove them wrong.

I get frustrated out of not improving, not having enough time for this game, and not being socially comfortable to start things with others. Even here, I see people who hurt me agreeing with you, and it just makes me want to keep playing this game, and I'm sick of feeling this way because I don't want to talk about this anymore but it's just always on my mind, and I think it just wards people off of trying to approach me anyways because I don't want to be the one known for either complaining or bitching, I just don't know how to restart.

Maybe I do need a break, but that just feels like I'm accepting defeat. I hate that. It makes me feel like those people have won.
 
The day after my cousin died, my friend's ex blew his brains out in front of her with the baby in the house, on Father's Day. Two weeks before, she had me serve him custody papers because he put his hands on her. A few weeks ago I went to the States to go collect his effects. It was a bizarre feeling, standing over the puddle of his blood and brains, then playing with his baby in the span of three hours.

I made her cheesecake yesterday, earl grey with orange syrup and a lemon flavoured whipped cream. She's lost a sixth of her body weight since it happened (which she really couldn't afford to lose to begin with) so cheesecake seems like a good idea.
 
boo836 said:
I made her cheesecake yesterday, earl grey with orange syrup and a lemon flavoured whipped cream. She's lost a sixth of her body weight since it happened (which she really couldn't afford to lose to begin with) so cheesecake seems like a good idea.
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You're being a true friend by caring for her and taking the effort for her health and wellbeing, especially whilst going through grief yourself :blobthumbsup:

I also can't eat when I go through stress and lose a lot of weight. My parents are from Serbia and Eastern European food is perfect for getting weight back, it's also wholesome and very comforting. Cevapi with Proja will get the pounds back. Draniki with sour cream or Pierogi are great too. And I really like Pasta and Potato casseroles for gaining weight
 
also it was very awkward meeting with a friend of the guy's grandmother and having to explain that the cedar chest they wanted for the family was full of unwashed vibrators
 
been on vacation for (tomorrow will be a week - go back on tuesday) and my pets always flock to me; male/female - cat/dog, be it family saying "Josh call them!" "Pick them up and get them off of there" etc cus the pets love me since I'm so soft and loving with them OR when they get in trouble with someone else they run to me like "I didn't mean too, why they upset with me?"
Really makes my heart smile.
If that don't help the mental idk what does.

love them lil critters, maybe i need to see how i can do with a bird next LOL.
no snakes/lizards tho -- nothing against em; friend had em growing up and i hated sleeping over cus his room was always so hot. i wanna sleep like im in november/december loool.
 
This is very likely my last post on this website.

I haven't really felt better even though I found a new job and a new environment to be around. I've realized something pretty horrifying about myself in that I've never truly been myself in a long, long time — just aliases, new personalities and experiments on those personalities. Never at any point have I just settled into something I wanted to be, but instead I took on new personas to best fit my given situation. I feel like I have grown too comfortable with "starting fresh" taking on new identities. I've done this countless times to the point where I've lost just about everyone in translation. I've felt so distant from the real world and as a result I say to you a warning about growing codependent on people in an online sphere. You need real life hardship, real life people to feel anything substantial, and I'm afraid that my current predicament is not a supplement whatsoever.

I've been having these uncomfortable daydreams about what my life would be like if I had just been a different person in my formative years instead of being the pushover pussy loser I see myself as in hindsight. This unhealthy obsession with the what-ifs has more or less puppeteered my life for the past several years because it's all I've had being quite literally alone with my thoughts and too scared to reach out to new people for the longest time over my fears of being assaulted or abused again. I'm sick of being scared and I'm sick of defining my self worth over things that happened in a bygone era of my life.

My mother is my last surviving, loving family. Everyone else is either deferred to family friends, relatives that are a few degrees of separation, or parental figures that have straight up disowned me. My mother will not be around forever, and in fact, her recent health conditions have startled me. When she's gone.. I really don't know what I will do. When she is gone, the last person who I need to be present for will also be gone.

I have deleted every personal photo of mine, I've quite literally burned all my school yearbooks, my friends have failed me, my family has been scattered through divorce or prejudicial hatred of me. From this point going forward I have a clean slate to where I can rewrite my own history for whoever I meet next. I did this so that I wouldn't have to look back and suffocate in my own self doubt and hatred. Where I will go and what I will do with myself I leave up to the interpretation of others, but I have slowly integrated as a new looking,sounding,acting person for people who don't have to share the same guilty conscience as I do. This is the help I needed. I swear, this will be the last time I do this, if only because there will not be a next time. It is to completely and truly reset everything, instead of figuratively and literally clinging on to better times (Being a 15 year old writing on a competitive pokemon forum.)

This is not a plea for help, but rather a warning. I have been utterly torn apart and broken as a person. If I'm still here and breathing by the end, I doubt anyone will know it or not. I'm sorry everyone.
 
I don't even remember when the first time was that my anxiety acted up, I think it was before I had the capability to remember. I was a scared and on edge child at every point I can recall.

I had some form of depression all my life, but I realized it on my 15th birthday, when I had this huge gut sinking feeling out of nowhere that first put some things in perspective

I always had tendencies that come from OCD, but I never would've figured that I had it if I didn't go to a clinical psychologist at 18, where it was diagnosed alongside my depression and anxiety

There are some realizations I have made over the years:

- We are meant to survive. The very basis of human nature is to keep going. If you just continue to breath, it will get better. You will get stronger

- To be able to communicate your emotions is immensly important. Nothing helped me more than therapy, and the prerequesite for therapy is to be able to phrase the way you feel. Try breaking down your emotions, the reasons for them, try articulating them in writing and in speech, you'll get very good at conveying your feelings eventually

- Similarily, the breaking down of emotions and our surroundings will help you to keep a clear mind and to deal with both internal and external struggles. The world is overwhelming, but your mind is capable. Make inquiries of what's going on around you and how it makes you feel, and why. You'll eventually see the world in a much simpler way

- Self-reflection is key. If you can face yourself and win, nothing can stop you. Question yourself as you question the world around you. Admit fault to both yourself and others, there is no shame in that, it is the sign of true maturity

- There is always a struggle between imminent and delayed pain. To not face your issues at the point that they are meant to be dealt with will only make them worse, bringing even greater suffering. Keep this in mind, it will make it much easier to confront things

- Keep in mind that your mental and physical wellbeing are two sides of the same coin. Exercise, being outside in the sun and eating healthy are very good both for your body and your mind. That is of course very difficult to do with mental illness, this is why

- it's important to celebrate baby steps. Any and all ventures outside your comfort zone, no matter how small, are wins and lay the path of your way.

- Stay away from addictive substances. Recreational drug use is completely alright, but with a compromised mental health, it's ultimately very risky and largely leads to negative results. Psychedelics for therapeutic purposes excluded, however, don't take these without someone who is willing to watch, guide and consult you in these matters

- Vulnerability is very difficult, but it is the way towards real and tangible relationships. Again, celebrate baby steps. Even admitting to someone that you like competitive pokemon is an absolute win on your path to meaningful relationships

- Keep inventory of your wins, of your path and your development. It is rewarding and keeps you on track

I hope I don't sound too preachy here. I don't want to give the feeling that only my path is the right one, or to say that you should absolutely do as I say. It's just me sharing my own results, for the purpose that some may find it helpful
 
Kind of a pathetic reason to make a post here, but I'm living completely on my own for the first time in my life. That along with a scary new job that prompted me to move have me on a bit of a rocky place mentally. I didn't really have much of a life back home anyways because I was and always have been a loser but being in a familiar place did bring me a lot of comfort which is not there anymore. I am kind of just hoping that I can somehow avoid screwing this job up which I really don't think I'll be able to do. The last year or so of graduate school I pretty much ruined everything I touched and had to leave academia, barely securing my master's degree, in order to salvage my mental health. At that point 9 months ago, I truly never wanted to do any kind of mental work ever again. I was a NEET for a few months after graduating, just living off my savings while applying for positions that I really didn't want and knew I couldn't handle. The fact that I was getting rejected from job after job after job just cemented in my mind that I didn't have the competence to succeed in my field. One of those hundreds of jobs I applied to finally agreed to take me but the process to get my checked out could take months, so I took a job in manufacturing while I was waiting. I was only there for a few months but it was having a profoundly positive effect on my mental health to be there. The work was simple and stress free. I never had to bring work back home with me. I didn't have to endure so much shame anymore. I went from being so tired and depressed that I couldn't motivate myself to watch TV shows or movies to finally getting some life back in me. Everybody around me that knew me throughout that full two year period could notice a dramatic difference. And now I'm voluntarily going back to a similar type of work that broke me that first time. I'm blessed to be able to use my degree but I also can't help but be sad about the situation.
 
Had a good day today (well yesterday now since its 3am haha), woke up like "Ugh, I don't feel like doing this today." (Mainly cus I get Saturdays and Mondays off so Sundays just feel like the void in between lol), forgot my earbuds at home noticed only as I was walking into work, etc etc.
I get a few hours in and a girl I use to hang out with (Never a relationship, more so a link up thing but we always got along well and spoke when around each other as if we were more somehow), havent really spoke to her but sparingly since my Dad passed - esp since she had a kid not long after our time (Always cordial and friendly still though).

I had messaged her the other day just saying hope she's good cus she posted something on FB that legit made me laugh and I got a response from her I did not expect.. Thanking me for always being there, checking in. That she wants to put her rough edge and energy behind her [I got a thing for girls who got that "I'm as no nonsense as anyone else, man or woman" energy lol], be more loving and faith driven (since shes had a kid I guess she's "growing up" more - hell losing my would be 1st child, end of that relationship with the would be mother, and my dad soon passing after did it for me, around the same time I knew her in the way we knew one another was the same thing for me. Forced to grow up.).
Told me I made her day hearing from me, "I was always so nice, caring, and a good man," and the thing that blew me away was her saying she loved me.

Even if we just stay as the friendly former fling folk (Alliteration, nice lol), it was definitely incredibly nice getting some flowers, but she did ask me to come hang out sometime - so who knows. I always had a thing for her cus I loved her small, sweet and smart but "Take no nonsense" vibe. I like a woman like that lol
 
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I finally did it!

I am leaving smogon after LCPL finals on Sunday , not that this is a bad place, i just realized how much i made the friendships i made here as being the most prominent and important of my life as been here made me not face the reality that, my life sucks and only I can improve it.

Ik it is a very difficult thing to do as here I have 99% of my social life, maybe I comeback just to tell there is life out of here, thank you all of smogon for been incredibly companion in my fight against apathy and for been my place of safety during those 10 years.

I am super scared what this decision will be for my mental health but i dont wanna cope here anymore.
 
I talked to some of my friends about this already so I don't particularly have a reason to be posting here, but everything just feels so surreal that I had to let it out into the void

So, at some point during my time on Smogon, I posted here about how I've been unable to eat because there was something wrong with my esophagus or whatever and how I was on a liquid diet, that started in 2020. I don't remember when I made the post, probably 2021, but yeah. I've posted here and there in this thread (I think 2 more times after that, though most of it is deleted) and it may not seem like a huge deal immediately, but fuck me not eating for almost FOUR years and being on a liquid diet really takes its toll on you. I lost my social life, I couldn't go on dinner dates, get lunch with my family or friends, snack on things if I'm watching a movie, etc. The more as time went on the more I realized how many things are just planned around food and it made going out with again friends and family so incredibly difficult that my once vibrant social life just ended up collapsing and I became a recluse. It may not seem so crazy to begin with, but imagine going a week without eating anything, just drinking everything. I did that for 4 years. I ended up spending a lot of my time on the internet and on Smogon because this started all happening during quarantine (including me joining Smogon) so I didn't have much of a reason to do anything else, school has been online for me the past few years anyway (going in person next year, yay!) and etc.

Coupled with that, having to deal with being trans and navigate that while also having to perform well in school just made for a horrible concoction. I didn't realize it until recently tbh but I became passively suicidal for a very long time. In 2023 I had a lot of string of events happen 1 after another that I won't get into, but it lead me down an incredibly dark path, and around November-December (I think, I tend to block this from my memory xd) I ended up attempting to overdose, obviously it did not work lmao because I'm an idiot but yeah. I essentially did not want to live at all because the way I was, wasn't a way of living. I felt like a shell of my former self and it was so miserable and painful everyday to be reminded that I was not a normal person. Partying with friends and going out and not being able to really do anything besides sit and watch people enjoy food and etc. is the most soul crushing thing I think I've ever gone through. I'm 22 and nothing to show for it really besides a few useless degrees and certificates I've gotten from all the time I was able to allocate into school. I haven't gone to a party in almost 2 years now, haven't had the college experience I wanted (fingers crossed for my final 2 years though lol). Maybe it sounds dumb but my life was basically put on an indefinite hold when this happened. I had dreamed of going to college and finally becoming myself with no restrictions, then this came at me fast and knocked me on my ass, and I felt shackled at home and permanently visiting the ER at all angles of my life. Not to mention only having liquids makes for a very boring diet and I felt like I was in permanent limbo, doctors unable to do anything, not finding a diagnosis and etc. just a miserable fucking existence, and this has reflected in my behavior IRL and online for sure.

Once it became 2024, it was just another year to me. Didn't have any goals or anything besides to get estrogen (which I have, yay!) but there's other barriers with that via family and etc. but not the main point.

The reason I'm posting about this is because today I finally pushed past the bullshit and had a real meal lol. I cried during it, the entire time the only thing I could think of was "I'm free". I'm finally fucking free of that stupid curse. My doctors haven't found a diagnosis as to why I had some chronic esophagus issue and I'm not necessarily cured. It will be a long journey still, and maybe I'll regress at some point, but progress isn't linear. I've had a lovely Speech-Language Pathologist help me work through eating different kinds of consistencies and fuck does it feel good. But even before this, I had been undergoing a lot of growth mentally and just trying to navigate depression and how to work against it. My depression was really bad (obviously if I tried to OD LMAO), going to the store to get groceries, even just getting out of bed felt like a chore, but I just had to push myself. Even with this going on I just had to push myself to do it. It got to a point recently that I got excited from having the challenge and I welcomed obstacles with an open mind and with open arms. I felt (and still feel) that if I could get past this, I could do anything, literally anything I set my mind to. I got so depressed to a point where I think my brain just put me in survival mode and I stopped caring of the outcome, I just had to do it. It's been a long fucking 4 years. But I did it.

Reason I was sharing this is that back when this was still called the depression thread, almost every post was negative (to my recollection). I haven't really checked this thread since besides making a random schizopost when I was going to OD. I've only spread negativity here, and I want to change that cycle for myself (and also because I posted about this issue before so I want to just put this behind me and yell into a void because it feels nice lolol). People go through some tough shit. Trust me, I know how it feels. I always see people talking about how it "gets better" and I always just immediately thought that stuff was stupidly optimistic and I hated it. I never thought that it would be me, you know? My own depression trapped me in thinking I'd be this miserable recluse forever with no way to fix it. But here's the thing-- misery loves company. I surrounded myself with a new group of friends, reconnected with old ones, and made a bunch of new ones (online, i live hours away from my irl ones for now rip). I surrounded myself with positivity and people who weren't as miserable as me and that energy bounced off of them onto me and I think 100% set me on the path I needed to be to accomplish what I did today. The anxiety and depression just eventually wore off when I realized that I really do want to live, I have my own dreams and I want to see them come to fruition. Life hit me fast, and it hit me so fucking hard, and in 2023 it really kept hitting me, but I kept getting up. I'm sure there's plenty of people in here who have been hit harder than I have, but just know it's not the end of things.

I'm not going to tag people because that would be super cringe but to gum, sensei axew, driplegend, ms jisoo, crow crumbs, shieldpoke, scarfire, seasons, adjustments, mushamu, km, avarice, pdt, mncmt, cell and the rest of my friends in duckies, if you guys ever seen this, you guys quite literally saved my life by just being the amazing people you are and I cherish all of you. I'm sure there's more people I should mention but I talk to these people the most / they have had significant impact on me even if we don't talk that often.

If I can get better from the absolute rock bottom to now the peak of cloud 9, you can too. With time, effort, and most importantly fortitude, things will get better. I hope whoever reads this or finds themself venting in here reaches the peace they are looking for <3. If you ever need help, reach out. You aren't alone even if it feels like it.
 
Got home from work and I was just finishing watching a youtube recap of the Sunday full of football games (this was around midnight) sitting in my car at the end of my driveway and I hear a bang and feel my whole car shake - at first I'm like "Did some drunk driver just fall asleep and hit my car?" and I look back and see nothing --- thinking it's a hit & run I back out and rush to try and catch a license plate pulling out the driveway, get out and see this..... CLEARLY WASHED DUDE stumbling through the streets, wobbling to both sides and holding his stomach. Clearly either high or drunk off his ass.
He turns around and looks at me in my car like I'm the issue like you didn't just fall out on my car.
He was leaning on my hood, punched my back driver side window then came to my driver side window and I flashed my blade I carry with me for work and he stumbled back.

This has made me very annoyed since I purposely tried to calm my.. "Edge" down since I found a way through my pain, depression and anger from the prior years of life but I found myself realizing "I really don't wanna be in these situations cus I'm an emotional and tunnel vision type person (Taurus to a T lol), I wish the world would leave me out of "The random chaos variable" conversation."

Least I got his face locked down in my memory now so if I see him again or neighbors with their cams see him lumbering around my car and cops pop around I can point him out or at very least describe him.
Really damn annoying cus today was a really nice day before that.
 
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i was probably soft-depressed for a year after graduating college, being out of a consistent job + living with parents, but now that I'm working a full-time job in a new place (different country!) i've been feeling so much more social and overall better! it's so nice to go from avoiding social situations (out of apathy, mostly) to now be seeking them out again :toast:

for me, I think its rlly important to push urself to experience new things and advance ur life. coasting along is comfortable but miserable
 
i dont know what it is lately, but i just feel like shit, physically and mentally. i dont want to get up or eat. i dont want to go anywhere. probably because im taking advanced classes and starting to enter my romantic stages of life, but i feel like there's giant burden on my shoulders, but i dont know what it is.

i really need to get stuff off my plate. but for now, i'll just have to push through.

:toast:
 
Random question for other people who deal with/dealt with depression and ya finally feel "Safe/comfortable" in your progress. Yall ever have moments you just get emotional JUST BECAUSE YOURE NOT unhappy anymore?

Like i ofc still have moments life is like "Get a emotional moment out; dont ask why, your brain chemicals told you too" but in more recent times (as I spoke to) have been feeling a bit better but I still have moments where it almost feels like "Damn I don't even know how to process not having a cross to bare/hurt in my heart that is stifling my day to day"

I'm obviously *NOT* complaining but it is weird being like "Why tf do I wanna cry rn? There's no reason." and immediatedly realizing "Cus life makes more sense now, you made it through - for now, now it's on you to uphold that."
 
I got checked today by an ex (one i spent over 10 years with) that will forever be that... "The souls will always find they way back" and she hit me today with the "You always had such beautiful eyes but there's so much pain hidden in them."

and I won't lie being read like that made me choke up a bit and she asked me what's wrong and I was just like "Nothing, you're right. There's a lot more than anyone knows... even you who knows more than anyone."

I just ain't tryna talk about the shit my heart moved off on but my soul still side eyes the world over cus I work on that, i dont wanna lean that on anyone else but me so I can finally be totally good, and i'm finally almost there.. That's a "I don't share that with anyone unless you on Mom-esque trust tier." aka unrivaled/unquestioned trust.
 
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yureion said:
I got checked today by an ex (one i spent over 10 years with) that will forever be that... "The souls will always find they way back" and she hit me today with the "You always had such beautiful eyes but there's so much pain hidden in them."

and I won't lie being read like that made me choke up a bit and she asked me what's wrong and I was just like "Nothing, you're right. There's a lot more than anyone knows... even you who knows more than anyone."

I just ain't tryna talk about the shit my heart moved off on but my soul still side eyes the world over cus I work on that, i dont wanna lean that on anyone else but me so I can finally be totally good, and i'm finally almost there.. That's a "I don't share that with anyone unless you on Mom-esque trust tier." aka unrivaled/unquestioned trust.
Click to expand...

Hoes are hoes. Based on personal experience, she's lonely, and looking to smash. You got to ask yourself, "why are there no other men in her life right now?" There's probably a good reason.
Move on. You'll be better in the long run.

"But...b-but..."

No. Move on. It will do you better.
 
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