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Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread
- Thread starter Rollout Shuckle
- Start date
It's so hard to stay motivated through my last 3 weeks of high school, I've been constantly drained and exhausted, I'm falling asleep in most of my classes, which is abnormal for me, and my grades are slipping, I've never had anything below a B before, now I have an F, D and 2 C's.. senioritis is real and kicking my butt, I hate it so much, I'm missing almost half of all my assignments this quarter in two of my classes and I just don't have the motivation to do any of it.
I got the final confirmation today that my heart is good 
I had something that felt very very similar to a heart attack in November and when I was brought to the hospital by the EMS, my blood work was indicative of something going on. Had some heart palpitations, trouble breathing, some kind of attacks that felt like heart attacks and passed out couple of times since. But my MRI was clean, my 24 hour ECG was perfect, my load ECG was perfect (the doc said that my heart looks several years younger than it is) and it seems like my conditions are a mix of upper back and spinal issues combined with anxiety and some stomach issues (probably IBS but I have to get that checked out). My heightened Troponin was most likely just a result of physical exercise and heart racing from a panic attack, it's also perfectly fine now
Had me tweaking for the last couple of months, spent too much time at the doctor's and at the hospital. I'll probably get some physical therapy for my back and meditation seems to help quite well with my stomach
I had something that felt very very similar to a heart attack in November and when I was brought to the hospital by the EMS, my blood work was indicative of something going on. Had some heart palpitations, trouble breathing, some kind of attacks that felt like heart attacks and passed out couple of times since. But my MRI was clean, my 24 hour ECG was perfect, my load ECG was perfect (the doc said that my heart looks several years younger than it is) and it seems like my conditions are a mix of upper back and spinal issues combined with anxiety and some stomach issues (probably IBS but I have to get that checked out). My heightened Troponin was most likely just a result of physical exercise and heart racing from a panic attack, it's also perfectly fine now
Had me tweaking for the last couple of months, spent too much time at the doctor's and at the hospital. I'll probably get some physical therapy for my back and meditation seems to help quite well with my stomach
sorry this is super disorganized and not in my normal forum cadence
i stopped taking care of myself a few months ago i think, definitely had some physical health things (dw i will be 100% ok and am almost there already) and personal stuff i could have resolved and instead ignored until they became an actual issue. i am like a fully fledged adult at this point, too, so i know this is bad and i know people see how much i do on here, so they are probably questioning what is wrong with me. and yea, i get it. i feel bad and am kind of furious at myself, but not even so much for/at myself as i am the people i failed to get to this point. probably should be me first, but not sure i am there yet. my goal is to get there as this year goes on, so that's a step at least.
it's really tough because i am surrounded by amazing people who i care about and love so much -- i never, EVER would want to let them down, but sometimes i cannot get out of my own fucking way when it comes to failing them or doing right by myself. i think i had a bit of a reckoning recently -- it came to my attention from someone i am close with pretty suddenly directly to me that i was doing a lackluster job taking care of myself and i was getting too angry/annoyed at things outside of my control. and like i aspire to be an involved family member, caring husband when i get married next year, leader at work (kinda similar to on here i guess, but not entirely the same) professionally, and a generally good, involved person, but sometimes i lose sight of my goals and aspirations for myself, instead deriving self-worth and value out of others or things outside of my control or silly things that should not hold as much weight to me.
it was a really hard time for me to accept this, start making changes, and just admit to my own apathy, but we got there the hard way. i wish i made it easy or i wish i did not even force the confrontation to begin with, but yea, i am better for it than continuing a decline into who knows what. i have not had this happen since 2020 when i fell into a really awful position after IRL shit went up in flames --> COVID -- i am sure some of you know about how miserable a person i was back then or have read my old post from 2019/2020 in this same thread, but this spiral is entirely self-manufactured and i got nobody to blame or work to be better for than myself it seems.
in the end, i am one of the most fortunate people out there with everything i have going for me and the people i surround myself with. i know i complain a ton on here and not just about pokemon, but sports and irl happenings and other dumb shit. i really am one of the luckiest people though and am a bit worried i exhausted some good graces from people though. i guess the i just need to do a better job taking care of myself for me so that they do not have to worry about me, but at the same time deriving it back to them feels like it defeats the whole point, so i am working on rewiring my own thinking to just focus on me and letting everything/everyone else just fit into place from there.
thankfully, i do deep down think all will be ok in some time and i do think i will get better with my own view of myself, my own habits, and my own ability to evaluate things as an individual, but it has been really exhausting the last week or two just confronting some of the mental blocks i have set on my own accord. undoing bad habits is not easy, nor fun, but it is definitely for the best and will hopefully teach me how to avoid these habits next time around.
it feels nice to just talk about it as i have begun to open up a lot more to people close to me and now some of my coworkers, people on here, and even this thread now. hopefully in a month or two i am in a better spot. i am not sure i am even too unhappy, which tbh is great as being happy is the whole point after all, as things stand, but i am now more hungry to break through the inertia and apathy to get myself in a better spot. just need to do so for myself and not others, then i will be even better off.
i stopped taking care of myself a few months ago i think, definitely had some physical health things (dw i will be 100% ok and am almost there already) and personal stuff i could have resolved and instead ignored until they became an actual issue. i am like a fully fledged adult at this point, too, so i know this is bad and i know people see how much i do on here, so they are probably questioning what is wrong with me. and yea, i get it. i feel bad and am kind of furious at myself, but not even so much for/at myself as i am the people i failed to get to this point. probably should be me first, but not sure i am there yet. my goal is to get there as this year goes on, so that's a step at least.
it's really tough because i am surrounded by amazing people who i care about and love so much -- i never, EVER would want to let them down, but sometimes i cannot get out of my own fucking way when it comes to failing them or doing right by myself. i think i had a bit of a reckoning recently -- it came to my attention from someone i am close with pretty suddenly directly to me that i was doing a lackluster job taking care of myself and i was getting too angry/annoyed at things outside of my control. and like i aspire to be an involved family member, caring husband when i get married next year, leader at work (kinda similar to on here i guess, but not entirely the same) professionally, and a generally good, involved person, but sometimes i lose sight of my goals and aspirations for myself, instead deriving self-worth and value out of others or things outside of my control or silly things that should not hold as much weight to me.
it was a really hard time for me to accept this, start making changes, and just admit to my own apathy, but we got there the hard way. i wish i made it easy or i wish i did not even force the confrontation to begin with, but yea, i am better for it than continuing a decline into who knows what. i have not had this happen since 2020 when i fell into a really awful position after IRL shit went up in flames --> COVID -- i am sure some of you know about how miserable a person i was back then or have read my old post from 2019/2020 in this same thread, but this spiral is entirely self-manufactured and i got nobody to blame or work to be better for than myself it seems.
in the end, i am one of the most fortunate people out there with everything i have going for me and the people i surround myself with. i know i complain a ton on here and not just about pokemon, but sports and irl happenings and other dumb shit. i really am one of the luckiest people though and am a bit worried i exhausted some good graces from people though. i guess the i just need to do a better job taking care of myself for me so that they do not have to worry about me, but at the same time deriving it back to them feels like it defeats the whole point, so i am working on rewiring my own thinking to just focus on me and letting everything/everyone else just fit into place from there.
thankfully, i do deep down think all will be ok in some time and i do think i will get better with my own view of myself, my own habits, and my own ability to evaluate things as an individual, but it has been really exhausting the last week or two just confronting some of the mental blocks i have set on my own accord. undoing bad habits is not easy, nor fun, but it is definitely for the best and will hopefully teach me how to avoid these habits next time around.
it feels nice to just talk about it as i have begun to open up a lot more to people close to me and now some of my coworkers, people on here, and even this thread now. hopefully in a month or two i am in a better spot. i am not sure i am even too unhappy, which tbh is great as being happy is the whole point after all, as things stand, but i am now more hungry to break through the inertia and apathy to get myself in a better spot. just need to do so for myself and not others, then i will be even better off.
Hello Smogon,
I didn't think I'd ever feel like opening up/venting publicly but I felt like creating a post for myself to look back on in a few months or years time to see how things in my life have changed (hopefully for the better). I don't expect anyone to read too deeply into this post but apologies if my writing is all over the place if you do decide to read everything. Trigger Warning: I will be mentioning bad family relationships, domestic abuse and honor abuse as well as suicidal thoughts in some of these spoilers.
If you have read this entire post, thank you for allowing me to vent about my life. I always feel like I've missed important details to me when I fully explain the mental trauma I've experienced so I'll probably edit this post in future.
If you are a friend of mine and want to check in with me or talk about any of the trauma I've experienced, feel free to! My dms are always open on Discord.
I hope you have a good day/evening and thanks again for allowing me to vent here.
I didn't think I'd ever feel like opening up/venting publicly but I felt like creating a post for myself to look back on in a few months or years time to see how things in my life have changed (hopefully for the better). I don't expect anyone to read too deeply into this post but apologies if my writing is all over the place if you do decide to read everything. Trigger Warning: I will be mentioning bad family relationships, domestic abuse and honor abuse as well as suicidal thoughts in some of these spoilers.
I'll begin by saying I finally got a part time job at a popular retailer in the UK in May 2022 when I was still in university. I was severely struggling to keep on top of my studies and pass my courses let alone achieve good grades and I ended up studying 1st and 2nd year of my Bachelors degree twice instead of progressing through each year naturally. I threw myself into work because I at the time enjoyed it and it was a good distraction from the stress and anxiety I was experiencing.
September 2022 arrives and my 2nd year uni grades were well below the passing grade. As a result I couldn't progress onto third year and was excluded from further study. This of course brought great despair upon me after working what felt like the hardest I could during high school to primarily please my parents and to hopefully set myself up for a good career and happy life. I wasn't sure what to do so I just put on a brave expression and bottled up my worries, telling myself I would be okay and things would work out in the end.
September 2022 arrives and my 2nd year uni grades were well below the passing grade. As a result I couldn't progress onto third year and was excluded from further study. This of course brought great despair upon me after working what felt like the hardest I could during high school to primarily please my parents and to hopefully set myself up for a good career and happy life. I wasn't sure what to do so I just put on a brave expression and bottled up my worries, telling myself I would be okay and things would work out in the end.
Jumping back in time to explain the source of my pain, my parents knew I was struggling during the end of my first attempt of 1st year back in 2019. Rather than supporting me, they instead beat me, threatened me, and intimidated me stating they would destroy my property, kick me out of my home, and disown me if I were to not progress onto second year. This is when I first developed negative thoughts about wanting to end my life. When exams arrived that year I ended up failing them and did not meet the minimum requirements to progress however, I barely met the requirements to resit the year.
And so I accepted my fate and hid the truth from my parents out of fear. I managed to improve my grades significantly and progressed to 2nd year in September 2020. My first attempt of 2nd year (my third year overall at university) felt really difficult since this was during the global pandemic and subsequently I didn't progress into 3rd year. I spoke to my advisor of studies and the director of progression and they both permitted me to attempt second year again because of the pandemic and giving them a brief description of my family trauma. And the events following this were mentioned in the above spoiler. In order to keep myself and my precious belongings safe, I pretending that I was progressing through each year with no problems to my parents.
And so I accepted my fate and hid the truth from my parents out of fear. I managed to improve my grades significantly and progressed to 2nd year in September 2020. My first attempt of 2nd year (my third year overall at university) felt really difficult since this was during the global pandemic and subsequently I didn't progress into 3rd year. I spoke to my advisor of studies and the director of progression and they both permitted me to attempt second year again because of the pandemic and giving them a brief description of my family trauma. And the events following this were mentioned in the above spoiler. In order to keep myself and my precious belongings safe, I pretending that I was progressing through each year with no problems to my parents.
Between May 2022 and November 2023 I weirdly felt like I could enjoy life now that I wasn't studying at university. I didn't want to and I wasn't ready to tell my parents the truth so I lied even further and pretended I was studying for a Masters degree digging myself into a deeper pit of guilt.
All things come to an end and by now the cat was out of the bag. After hiding the truth for so long my parents were expecting me to graduate and that is not something I could fake. As I expected, they blew up at me and my Dad severely beat me. I don't particularly want to record nor recall all the details of what happened but following that scaring experience, my parents refused to acknowledge me when they eventually calmed down.
I felt the lowest I had ever felt before. I felt like my life was over and wanted to end it all. I thankfully found the courage to keep going though. My Mum forgave me first and said she would do her best to be a good mother to me meanwhile my Dad never changed. He blamed my part time job and hobbies for causing me to fail but he never saw it was actually the pressure from him I have been experiencing ever since high school.
I felt the lowest I had ever felt before. I felt like my life was over and wanted to end it all. I thankfully found the courage to keep going though. My Mum forgave me first and said she would do her best to be a good mother to me meanwhile my Dad never changed. He blamed my part time job and hobbies for causing me to fail but he never saw it was actually the pressure from him I have been experiencing ever since high school.
Thankfully my dad eventually returned to speaking terms with me but he gave me an ultimatum, I now had to find a way to continue my studies or find a good paying full time job otherwise I truly would be on my own. I just the former and attempted to study a degree with the Open University. The course was going okay but I started to feel the stress of studying again and began to struggle to keep om top of my work.
My Dad was not happy with how slow I was making progress with my studies so last month he blew up again at me again making terrifying threats. He even went as far to say things such as "If you can't get a real job and are not making good contributions to society, you might as well kill yourself". While he did not beat me this time, the threats and his words were so bad I became fearful to return home everyday after work. I consulted with friends to try to help me remain calm as I was dreading stepping into my home.
My Dad was not happy with how slow I was making progress with my studies so last month he blew up again at me again making terrifying threats. He even went as far to say things such as "If you can't get a real job and are not making good contributions to society, you might as well kill yourself". While he did not beat me this time, the threats and his words were so bad I became fearful to return home everyday after work. I consulted with friends to try to help me remain calm as I was dreading stepping into my home.
My Dad now is still reluctant to talk to me after blowing up again although he isn't completely mute around me. I am still too scared to directly speak to him but I do know he now wants me to have a deep think about what I should be doing with my life. My mum has tried to help me a little by suggesting I should focus on getting into shape as well as looking into aviation jobs or trying to follow a passion that isn't related to my hobbies.
So when I look back on this in a few months or years time, I hope things will have improved. Maybe I will be on a pilot training course or somehow have found a path into a teaching career like I dreamed of when I was younger.
So when I look back on this in a few months or years time, I hope things will have improved. Maybe I will be on a pilot training course or somehow have found a path into a teaching career like I dreamed of when I was younger.
If you have read this entire post, thank you for allowing me to vent about my life. I always feel like I've missed important details to me when I fully explain the mental trauma I've experienced so I'll probably edit this post in future.
If you are a friend of mine and want to check in with me or talk about any of the trauma I've experienced, feel free to! My dms are always open on Discord.
I hope you have a good day/evening and thanks again for allowing me to vent here.
Sounds like you constantly work hard and give your all. Maybe take a little time for yourself here and there to help refresh? Something that helps me is to remind myself of how much I have to be thankful for in thought/prayer. We love you Finch.
My mental health has taken a nose dive in the last year, and playing Pokemon games is my personal escape from the other issues.
The big issue though has been Gaza, a humanitarian issue where I have physically taken on local government and councils and am doing so as part of a wider group of like minded citizens, to the extent where I’ve been asked by my MP on several occasions now to provide evidence towards her participation in select committees and urgent questions.
But the truth of the matter is that the more I see of what is happening in Gaza, and the West Bank, the more I know that I failed all our future children, collectively, and myself, and the innocent people of Palestine. Because it’s never “enough”.
Back to Colosseum it is, and a few hours of mindlessness exchanged for thoughtfulness.
The big issue though has been Gaza, a humanitarian issue where I have physically taken on local government and councils and am doing so as part of a wider group of like minded citizens, to the extent where I’ve been asked by my MP on several occasions now to provide evidence towards her participation in select committees and urgent questions.
But the truth of the matter is that the more I see of what is happening in Gaza, and the West Bank, the more I know that I failed all our future children, collectively, and myself, and the innocent people of Palestine. Because it’s never “enough”.
Back to Colosseum it is, and a few hours of mindlessness exchanged for thoughtfulness.
I have a close friend who's working the same job he had when he finished university, a retail one he does not enjoy. He got promoted a couple of years back, then demoted again and for a brief time did charity work for the company, but that stopped. He's living 10 minutes from the house he grew up in. His free time is spent either in the pub or at home playing Xbox. He's never shown any desire to improve his station, even though I know he's not happy. He never wants to talk about anything real, it's always stuff in films/TV show/video games whatever else. When we're playing video games together, if it's not going his way he will always rant about how the game screws him and only him. I've talked to him about learning new skills, doing volunteer work (since he really enjoyed the time his company had him doing charity stuff), maybe even talking to a therapist. He's always said no.
I am really worried about him, but you can't help someone who refuses to be helped.
I am really worried about him, but you can't help someone who refuses to be helped.
I'm in a mix, weird state right now.
My continuous effort to get to therapy is working well, and I can say without a doubt that I've grown a lot as a human ever since I started it, 4 years ago. I've learned to understand my emotions, to not feel them as a weakness nor something to hid, but something I must connect and accept as they are.
And yet.
And yet, I've been struggling recently with what's possibly the most vicious illness I've been afflicted to for the last couple of years.
Despite everything, I will NOT forfeit.
My mental health is terrible at the moment, I can't deny that. Yet, I'll do my best.
I wish everyone a good day/night. Take care of yourself, and of the people you love.
My continuous effort to get to therapy is working well, and I can say without a doubt that I've grown a lot as a human ever since I started it, 4 years ago. I've learned to understand my emotions, to not feel them as a weakness nor something to hid, but something I must connect and accept as they are.
And yet.
And yet, I've been struggling recently with what's possibly the most vicious illness I've been afflicted to for the last couple of years.
I've been in a very stressful environment this year, with a lot of personal and induced pressure in order to succeed in my studies. This led to me generating a generalized anxiety disorder. I've always been on a nervous side, with an anxious personality. But this year, it has reached a level that I've never reached before. This is the reason why I posted recently about my change of medication. However, it appears that the issue is much worse than expected,and the change of medication only barely helped. The anxiety is strong. So much so, it has triggered past illnesses that I had, including a period of depression that lasted for a few weeks, with general feeling of emptiness and suicidal thoughts, and now I'm also struggling with ressurging psychotic symptoms, such as inserted thoughts. These thoughts are often about telling me that people hate me, that I'm a terrible person, and generally things to isolate me. Distinguishing what are my inserted thoughts from my own real feelings can sometimes be difficult for me when I engage conversations with people, and it's a struggle on an everyday basis.
Despite everything, I will NOT forfeit.
My mental health is terrible at the moment, I can't deny that. Yet, I'll do my best.
I wish everyone a good day/night. Take care of yourself, and of the people you love.
Last edited:
WARNING: TRIGGER WARNING / TMI
I want everyone to know that I am doing great. Things have improved drastically since these events. Many believe it is too much information, however, it is mainly memories mixed with experiences I've had leading to the mental breakdown. To those that read this, know that I'm still growing, and I appreciate you for reading this even if you don't know me.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Hello everyone.
To those that know me, I'm MattC (Banned). To those that don't, I often play VGC and 1v1. I'm decently popular in those communities, and I've been pretty okay playing mons. The one thing I haven't been good with, however, is my mental health.
I need help. Fortunately, I got help, and as of now, I'm doing very well at the program I'm at. I'm actually leaving to a more permanent placement that helps focus on my independence tomorrow! Super happy for that. But I will be taking a break from mons for a little while. Hopefully, things will get better in the future, and I'm glad that they did in the first place.
I want everyone to know that I am doing great. Things have improved drastically since these events. Many believe it is too much information, however, it is mainly memories mixed with experiences I've had leading to the mental breakdown. To those that read this, know that I'm still growing, and I appreciate you for reading this even if you don't know me.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Hello everyone.
To those that know me, I'm MattC (Banned). To those that don't, I often play VGC and 1v1. I'm decently popular in those communities, and I've been pretty okay playing mons. The one thing I haven't been good with, however, is my mental health.
My journey really starts after I leave the hospital. Apparently, my Mom cried when she realized I wasn’t a girl being born, but not because she hated me. It’s because all of her friends gave birth to daughters, and she wanted one as well. But either way, Mom ran away with me to her godmother’s in Virginia to get away from my Dad. An interesting thing about this is that my Mom had previously given birth to my only older sibling (my older brother) 2 years prior, and he was living with my Grandma on my Mom’s side. I lived in Virginia for 5 years without really knowing my older brother or Dad for those years.
- The earliest memory I had was getting a haircut at 1.5 years old. I cried so damn much that I fell asleep.
- Mom and my Godmother had a pet husky named Kiara, Kira, I don’t know. It had tannish yellow fur, and the 1 thing I remember about it was when I was 2, I was outside the house and on the floor. The husky licked my face, and I didn’t understand what that meant. Because of this, I screamed at it, and then it bit my arm out of fear. I ran inside the house crying, my arm was bleeding profusely, and this was the first fear I ever attained.
- My mother gave birth to my oldest younger sister in 2011. Allegedly, I punched her in the face when she was a few months old.
- It was in Virginia that I read my first book. It was Curious George. I was 4 years old when this happened.
- I had a random memory of going on a car ride to Golden Corral. The song playing in the car was “Happy” by Pharrell Williams. My cousins were in the car as well, as was my godmother and siblings. This is the earliest memory I have of my cousins.
- My Mother gave birth to my third sibling and her fourth child—a girl—in 2013. My Mom now had 2 sons and 2 daughters.
- Something else that’s interesting is that my Mom had 2 tattoos on her arm. Her left arm was one for her first son, and my older brother. It had his name with a heart that had a knife stabbed through it. Cool tat indeed. My tattoo was a tiger—nothing too crazy, but I think it’s kinda funny that this is the case.
- I have images in my memory of Yo Gabba Gabba!, Pocoyo, and The Backyardigans. These were the shows baby me grew up with.
Some time in 2014, I moved back to Framingham. While I was in Framingham, everything was amazing. My family was happy, we had money, we had fun. We could actually do things. This was when I developed some really bad habits stemming from being spoiled and not really having responsibilities. But it was during this time that I had a lot more moments and memories that meant something, specifically during school.
- When I was 5, I couldn’t solve 1 + 1. But I could solve a word problem that equaled 24 +14.
- I was a little more needy than most of the other kids, so I had an IEP. This meant I got double food portions at breakfast/lunch, and I had therapy over at Wayside.
- From Kindergarten to 2nd Grade, I had 1 friend that was there throughout it all. A short, bald Black kid who was honestly pretty damn funny. We did everything at school together, and even had this lunch period… thing. Pretty sure it was like something with the teachers and us just talking or whatever.
- In 2nd Grade, I developed my first crush, and my first genuine love. My crush had a gap in her buck teeth but still had a nice smile, and was really kind to everyone. I didn’t think much of this girl at the time, but later on, I realized how much she meant to me.
- I had a pretty expansive friend group. Basically everyone in class was my friend. Everyone loved my company.
- Sometime in this era, one of my teachers had a baby. She came to school one day with her child, and everyone was so stoked about it. Me, meanwhile, was no longer the center of attention, and I cried about it. I had a long talk with her about this, but it ended up leading to an existing problem I still have of wanting attention.
- I got into a fight with the only friend I had, and ended up stabbing him with a pencil that pierced his coat, shirt, and went into his skin. This was my first and only encounter with the police.
- In 2014, someone showed me something that became one of my passions: Pokemon.
- I tried swimming, but I ended up almost drowning.
- There was this weird ass White kid that I bashed upside the head with a large wooden building block because he tried to attack me.
- I ate a purple Skittle off the floor and threw up after. This would soon become a REALLY bad habit of mine with eating food out of the trash and floor.
- I watched Sharkboy and Lavagirl with one of the many counselors here. This was the earliest memory I had of a movie.
- There was this one female staff member that once kissed me on the forehead and rubbed her hand down my arm. I didn’t think much of it, but I’m fairly certain she was a pedophile. Or just really loved people.
- Someone once made a self portrait of me! It kinda sucked, but I loved it so much.
- Whenever Mom would pick me up from Suburban, she’d always have me give her a piggyback ride down the stairs. She was 500 pounds, and surprisingly? I actually managed to give her piggyback rides nearly everyday (with her own aid, of course).
- I had this cousin that would always do viral dances and shit with me. I was a VERY good dancer at the time. This stopped when my family kinda forced me into dancing, and the nail in the coffin was when I was dancing to “Bet You Can’t Do It Like Me” by iAmDLOW when it gets to the twerking part. Even though I could indeed twerk like a pro (sob emoji), that was the last time I ever danced with passion.
- One time when my cousins were over at my house, they forced me to kiss my oldest younger sister. I did, and I hated it. They all laughed at me for actually listening to them, despite them pressuring me into doing this.
- In 2015, Mom gave birth to her 5th child: a boy. I was in the car when he got picked up from the hospital, and everyone thought he was so cute and adorable except for me. Again, center of attention.
- On one of my younger sisters' birthdays (the 2013 one), I blew out her candles. Everyone called me a dickhead for that, and I don’t know why I did. Maybe I thought she needed help or something. This was one of 2 birthdays I completely ruined for my siblings.
- My cousins were jumping on the top bunk bed I was under and it fell on me. Shit hurt like a motherfucker and my older brother got blamed for it because he’s the oldest.
- Me and my older brother didn’t really get beat much, but my siblings did. We told this to DSS (now DCF) and they had a talk with Mom. She got super angry. First time I ever seen her genuinely pissed off.
- Before I had the bottom bunk, I fell off the top bunk of my bed. Ow.
- When I was 5 and even today, I fell asleep by praying to God every night that I’d survive. Mind you, I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT THAT GUY. And on top of that, I would… masturbate myself to sleep.
- Last thing I remember is that I saw Captain America’s Civil War AND Suicide Squad when they came out.
Throughout my time in Boston, it was highlighted by me wanting to go back to Framingham. I hated it here so much. Mom moved with my sisters and younger brother to Texas with her boyfriend at the time (who also birthed all 3 of these kids) and some other kid we lived with that was the half-sibling of my sisters and younger brother, because me and my older brother didn’t share their collective father. I actually hated that guy. He was just annoying. My older brother and I, on the other hand, moved with Grandma to her older sister’s house.
- Now in a new 2nd Grade, I thought everything would be decent. I got jumped Day 1 of 2nd… 2nd Grade.
- I had 2 friends now. Our names all started with the same letter, and we were all weird. We picked worms out of the ground and kept them as pets for like, 30 minutes. We were super close. Then one of them left to Arizona the following year, and the other separated from me soon after.
- I was bullied for being the new kid. No one liked me that much. I started questioning my skinny build for a little while, and I was the youngest one there.
- To cope with this, I frequently went to adults for guidance. They really enjoyed my company, and I picked up the current, adult-geared personality I have today. None of the kids at school really wanted to be my friend so it didn’t matter to me.
- I developed depression, anxiety, and a lot of other mental stuff while in Boston.
- My family was operating on government funds and homeless shelters, and things there sucked. No one wanted to be there. We all wanted to go back home to Framingham, but we all knew deep down we wouldn’t.
- Bullying just got worse 3rd to 5th Grade, and I became super sensitive.
- My family started getting more physically abusive, and I began flinching when people would get close to me. I wasn’t hit nearly as much as some of my other siblings, but… I still was.
- Randomly at 9 years old, I decided my career path of game designer, being part of movie/TV shows, or an author. I was always super focused on the future and not the present, so this didn’t bother me at all, but this just made my anxiety worse.
- My family started going out more, and everytime we did, I’d end up in trouble. I hated my aunts, uncles, and cousins. I hated my younger siblings. They always got me into so much trouble and I just… hated them. Not to mention I was the youngest in my Grade all the time, so I genuinely wanted to hurt my siblings. This is also in part because of strict parenting.
- Mom started dating someone else, and had a boy in 2018. We called him “Bean”. He was super smart when he was young, but got lead poisoning that permanently fucked up his… everything. He could barely talk, was very violent, and just… hated us. He only got away with his bullshit because his Dad was home to protect him. He never thought he was doing anything wrong.
It was during COVID that I caught a break from all the bullying. No more trauma from people. No more bad things would happen. Everything would get better from here… is what I thought, until I realized home still fucking sucked. We were in one homeless shelter to the next, and everything at home just felt so… terrible.
- I failed online school in 5th and 6th Grade. I can’t work properly on a computer, even today.
- I became super bored of a lot of things in life. Everything just felt… dim. Void of like, everything passionate.
- I had antenna Internet during this time, and was only allowed to watch PBS Kids. Not even Nick Jr or Disney Jr, ONLY PBS Kids. This meant I was watching Arthur, Wild Kratts, WordGirl, and Super Why type shows and thought they were good. A 10 year old shouldn’t be watching this stuff.
- When we got proper WiFi, I was introduced to the concept of parental locks. Shit sucked. When I found out the code, I tried to watch Cartoon Network and stuff on my own time, but I got caught and beat for it.
- I would be super hungry all the time and steal food a lot. I ate from garbage bins and shit. I never got sick from it, but I was always so hungry. I soon learned this is because I had a tapeworm in my stomach that I eventually shat out. It was awful.
- I got in trouble more and more, and was punished by standing in a corner for hours on end. My legs grew sore from the amount of time I spent standing. This was the new punishment, and if it wasn’t enough, your ass got beat.
- In 2020, I got my first device that I can remember. It was a tablet and I adored it. I became addicted to it. Because of this, it often got taken away from me, which led to me crashing out over having no technology.
When I was 12, I decided that enough was enough. I rebelled against the injustice that was my life, only to realize it didn’t do anything. And things only got worse for school and home life.
- I became super mentally unstable at school and began losing my temper a lot.
- Everytime I had friends, I managed to lose them within a week.
- Everyone hated me yet again, and even with counseling, I couldn’t redeem school relationships.
- Home got worse, but eventually settled. No one got beat. Instead, they were sent to bed, and I was the ass beating. Just goes to show how much I hate children.
- As Mom became more relaxed to a tolerable point, I enjoyed myself. Shit wasn’t perfect, but I now understood most of why this was the case. The economy just kinda sucks. Life just kinda sucks also. Sometimes, you can’t do anything about that.
- Somehow, I managed to get a friend group of about 7 people in 7th and 8th Grade. We had our ups and downs, but we all genuinely cared about each other. I loved these guys.
- I was introduced to porn at 12, and soon became addicted to it.
- I graduated 7th and 8th Grade with As and Bs, not the best grades, but I was considered the kid with the most potential in school. I was the smartest kid in 7th Grade, smarter than the 8th Grade, and in 8th Grade this continued.
- In 9th Grade, I could’ve chosen to be with my friends, but I chose my future instead of my friends… and I went through the worst depression ever. Everything just felt so difficult.
- I became less and less independent and couldn’t take care of myself properly. My house was always a mess and I didn't help clean it at all.
At this point, I had enough. I genuinely hated everything about my life, and truly planned to kill myself. I was at an afterschool program that was a group of guys that hung out essentially, and I told the people there I was through with life. Everything sucked. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. That’s when an ambulance came to pick me up, and it slowly got better from there for the first time since 2017.
But even apart from that, there’s a lot I gotta work on.
- I went to 3 programs and I loved each of them. They sucked. But it wasn’t home. Finally, I am now guaranteed improvement and can move on from my stupid home.
But even apart from that, there’s a lot I gotta work on.
- I fear people
- I fear leaving people
- I hate the world and everything in it
- I want everything to die
- I have random mood swings and personality shifts
- People say I’m mentally ill and a murderer in the making
- I’m addicted to technology and sex
- I need to find a new career path because gaming isn’t working
- I hate being alone
- I don’t feel loved in the world and I want to be loved so badly
- I want to feel someone’s touch because I haven’t felt care or love in what feels like forever
- I think to an extreme
- My humor is fucked
- My attention span is cooked
- I’m rude to a lot of people
- Everytime I touch something, I want it dead
- I have so many polar opposites to everything
- And like so much more shit that I gotta redeem and get over
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I'm a young man of 26 who's never had a girlfriend, and who's been extremely resistant to ideas such as "working on yourself" for many years, because I thought it's just a nicer term for "selling your soul to the world". Based on childhood experiences I never wanted to build my character, and although I knew i was wrong in the back of my mind, I was way too afraid of ultimately looking like an imbecile if I started "working on myself". I did not want to be just another asset for others just because I'd be rewarded with a beer now and then.
Somewhere around March 2025 it all came to a head, and I think I know what caused all of this, an addiction to misery. Even now, I still get urges to look for ragebait content, argue with people online, and complain about what I don't have. Meanwhile I couldn't socialize well and had poor self-confidence, constant head pressures, and setting objectives just to say I'm not slowly rotting my life away.
I know it's very tempting to write the entire story of my life, but I think I'll leave that for another day. Either way, I decided to slowly open up in real life, and see how it goes. I think it's gonna be okay and I might be much more loved and worthy of love than I thought.
The self-help industry and social media are two of the greatest disasters to happen in the past twenty years. The amount of grifters is through the roof, too much red pill tiktok brainrot, podcast clown shows, politicians hiding behind the bible, 25 year olds speaking for everyone, using premium words to appear smart, and so on. Or one of my personal favourites, hiding behind philosophy to sell you courses (especially Stoicism)
Somewhere around March 2025 it all came to a head, and I think I know what caused all of this, an addiction to misery. Even now, I still get urges to look for ragebait content, argue with people online, and complain about what I don't have. Meanwhile I couldn't socialize well and had poor self-confidence, constant head pressures, and setting objectives just to say I'm not slowly rotting my life away.
I know it's very tempting to write the entire story of my life, but I think I'll leave that for another day. Either way, I decided to slowly open up in real life, and see how it goes. I think it's gonna be okay and I might be much more loved and worthy of love than I thought.
The self-help industry and social media are two of the greatest disasters to happen in the past twenty years. The amount of grifters is through the roof, too much red pill tiktok brainrot, podcast clown shows, politicians hiding behind the bible, 25 year olds speaking for everyone, using premium words to appear smart, and so on. Or one of my personal favourites, hiding behind philosophy to sell you courses (especially Stoicism)
As someone who's also had to go through the struggle of separating self-improvement from abnegation, props. It's not easy to get past that and start opening up, and there will come a time that you'll look back on that day, being so glad that you did it.
I need to get this off my chest.
I've been playing pokemon casually for years, but wasn't really good enough to get reqs... until today. That's when I got reqs for the SV ZU Oricorio-F suspect.
I was happy for two hours or so, then it hit me hard as I slowly realized I had no one to celebrate it with. I want to learn German, hopefully get a better job, and live on my own. I understand a suspect test of all things is nothing compared to the aforementioned, but I hope to dear god this is not a sign of things to come.
Celebrating your achievements with others as well as being happy and proud of others is such a powerful tool for cultivating relationships, and I just want to have this in my life as well.
I've been playing pokemon casually for years, but wasn't really good enough to get reqs... until today. That's when I got reqs for the SV ZU Oricorio-F suspect.
I was happy for two hours or so, then it hit me hard as I slowly realized I had no one to celebrate it with. I want to learn German, hopefully get a better job, and live on my own. I understand a suspect test of all things is nothing compared to the aforementioned, but I hope to dear god this is not a sign of things to come.
Celebrating your achievements with others as well as being happy and proud of others is such a powerful tool for cultivating relationships, and I just want to have this in my life as well.
Narrator: little did he know that one month later…
…it’d be EVEN WORSE.
This world, I swear.
Hello, everyone. I want to talk about something that means a lot to me, and I’m looking to see if this really means as much as I think it does or if I’ve been spending the majority of my time trying to force something to happen when it doesn’t need to.
So, context. I grew up as the youngest of three siblings, and while I would like to call myself generally pretty successful up to this point in my life, I’ve always associated my success with the overwhelming amount of help, support, and effort I’ve gotten from other people who want me to be able to succeed in life, whatever that means, and I recognize a lot of people in my career field haven’t had those kinds of opportunities I’ve had. This isn’t quite what this post is about, though.
You see, during this time, I started realizing I was becoming very dependent on other people, quickly starting to think I’ll never be independent, responsible, and mature without something or someone being there for me all the time. This led to two things: a long period of self-hatred that’s still ongoing to this day and fluctuates in intensity, and more importantly for this post, wanting to have something to call my own.
I’ve posted about my love for the Pokémon Ranger games countless times here and in the YouTube comment section(s), which at this time are the only two places I feel comfortable posting stuff. But really, all my love for Guardian Signs and the first two games was is a “special interest”, as they may call it in the autistic community.The game’s all about drawing and spinning the Styler in circles, it’s perfect! As the story goes, my attachment for these games would only grow as time went on and I slowly became more dissatisfied with the core series and lack of new real spin-offs (that is to say, none of that mobile garbage), especially during the Switch era. At first glance it would seem that’s it, then. Even though there’s a lot of stuff I missed out on from the DS/Wii era, those games are what I was looking for all along. Something I can love and come back to on my own. Except… not really…
Here’s my problem and why I wanted to post about this, right. I’ve always been pretty uncomfortable with a lot of the stuff our generation is known for. Phone culture, long distance relationships, lots of newer media, things like that. When I first started really using the Internet in 2014-15 or whenever the heck it was, one of the first things that caught my eye was when people would tell stories about the times and the things they were nostalgic for. That’s great and all, but these kinds of “trips down memory lane” always felt like they were taking place between groups of people with similar interests and, eventually, it hit me. I never really felt like, and arguably still feel like I don’t belong as a member of this community here on Smogon or as a Pokémon fan in general. Can I even call myself either of those things? Not only did I miss out on most of the hype trains and 95 percent of limited time events for what I would call my favorite games-yes, even the Ranger events, I’ve only played two of them plus the untimed Manaphy one from the first game- but the specific things I like and the people I would like to share them with always felt limited in some way, whether that be personal shyness online or because not very many people here talk about these topics, and because of that I still never feel like I can call anything in this franchise or in my personal life “my own”.
That’s just it, though. Does it really matter? I could have a first edition Japanese sealed in-box copy of my favorite video game ever made. I could have played through the game and its predecessors seven times each. I could frame my entire public profile around this and show up to some kind of cosplay event for good measure. And all for what? What exactly would this accomplish? “Oh, cool, I can call myself the biggest fan of an obscure spin-off game that I’ve ever met before”. Becoming borderline addicted to these things- and these kinds of thoughts I’ve been having- isn’t particularly useful or helpful to me, and it’s not like this would be any better if it were the core series games, either- in fact, that might actually make it worse. I just feel stuck- on one hand, I basically have nothing I can call my own that I can also enjoy with a larger group of people, but on the other hand I’m just attached enough to what I grew up on and the people I’ve met that I’m afraid to take new risks, make new friends, and take some of those next steps in a young man’s life.
It’s taken me this long to actually start working in my field, so that’s good that I’m finally here, but, like… now what? I don’t ever see myself being in a relationship or getting married. I have no idea where I’m going to live or who I’m going to live with. I’ve tried basing my online identity around works of fiction that don’t even interest me that much anymore. And even if I was still interested in what all I liked as a kid, none of that would strictly make me a nicer, more responsible and independent young adult that I need to be right now. So, I’ll ask all of you. What in the world, if anything, am I supposed to do all about this? Does it really matter at all if I choose to keep being a video game fan and by extension a Pokémon fan? Does it really matter what games I do play and what consoles I play on? How does any of this affect what should be the main focus of my life as a young adult in his early 20s right now? My career might be heading in the right direction, sure, but everything else either feels like it’s stuck in place or actively going backwards.
So, context. I grew up as the youngest of three siblings, and while I would like to call myself generally pretty successful up to this point in my life, I’ve always associated my success with the overwhelming amount of help, support, and effort I’ve gotten from other people who want me to be able to succeed in life, whatever that means, and I recognize a lot of people in my career field haven’t had those kinds of opportunities I’ve had. This isn’t quite what this post is about, though.
You see, during this time, I started realizing I was becoming very dependent on other people, quickly starting to think I’ll never be independent, responsible, and mature without something or someone being there for me all the time. This led to two things: a long period of self-hatred that’s still ongoing to this day and fluctuates in intensity, and more importantly for this post, wanting to have something to call my own.
I’ve posted about my love for the Pokémon Ranger games countless times here and in the YouTube comment section(s), which at this time are the only two places I feel comfortable posting stuff. But really, all my love for Guardian Signs and the first two games was is a “special interest”, as they may call it in the autistic community.
Here’s my problem and why I wanted to post about this, right. I’ve always been pretty uncomfortable with a lot of the stuff our generation is known for. Phone culture, long distance relationships, lots of newer media, things like that. When I first started really using the Internet in 2014-15 or whenever the heck it was, one of the first things that caught my eye was when people would tell stories about the times and the things they were nostalgic for. That’s great and all, but these kinds of “trips down memory lane” always felt like they were taking place between groups of people with similar interests and, eventually, it hit me. I never really felt like, and arguably still feel like I don’t belong as a member of this community here on Smogon or as a Pokémon fan in general. Can I even call myself either of those things? Not only did I miss out on most of the hype trains and 95 percent of limited time events for what I would call my favorite games-yes, even the Ranger events, I’ve only played two of them plus the untimed Manaphy one from the first game- but the specific things I like and the people I would like to share them with always felt limited in some way, whether that be personal shyness online or because not very many people here talk about these topics, and because of that I still never feel like I can call anything in this franchise or in my personal life “my own”.
That’s just it, though. Does it really matter? I could have a first edition Japanese sealed in-box copy of my favorite video game ever made. I could have played through the game and its predecessors seven times each. I could frame my entire public profile around this and show up to some kind of cosplay event for good measure. And all for what? What exactly would this accomplish? “Oh, cool, I can call myself the biggest fan of an obscure spin-off game that I’ve ever met before”. Becoming borderline addicted to these things- and these kinds of thoughts I’ve been having- isn’t particularly useful or helpful to me, and it’s not like this would be any better if it were the core series games, either- in fact, that might actually make it worse. I just feel stuck- on one hand, I basically have nothing I can call my own that I can also enjoy with a larger group of people, but on the other hand I’m just attached enough to what I grew up on and the people I’ve met that I’m afraid to take new risks, make new friends, and take some of those next steps in a young man’s life.
It’s taken me this long to actually start working in my field, so that’s good that I’m finally here, but, like… now what? I don’t ever see myself being in a relationship or getting married. I have no idea where I’m going to live or who I’m going to live with. I’ve tried basing my online identity around works of fiction that don’t even interest me that much anymore. And even if I was still interested in what all I liked as a kid, none of that would strictly make me a nicer, more responsible and independent young adult that I need to be right now. So, I’ll ask all of you. What in the world, if anything, am I supposed to do all about this? Does it really matter at all if I choose to keep being a video game fan and by extension a Pokémon fan? Does it really matter what games I do play and what consoles I play on? How does any of this affect what should be the main focus of my life as a young adult in his early 20s right now? My career might be heading in the right direction, sure, but everything else either feels like it’s stuck in place or actively going backwards.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/End-of-history_illusion
People underestimate how much they will change. Nothing in the future is certain, maybe you'll meet your future spouse or longterm partner through your hobbies or live with a friend or become obsessed w language learning or w.e.
If you're having a hard time w next steps I recommend seeking advice/insight from a professional or if that is out of reach, someone who has the life that you (think that you) want.
There is no authoritative criteria. You sound like you have what is called impostor syndrome. The truth is that you don't need to do anything to justify who you are or what you love. The way you are and the way you love what you love is valid already. There is nothing for you to prove.
I've come back.
I couldn't help it. I loved this series since I was young, and there's only so many times you can play through the games again before you want a real challenge. I started small with RBY, got to about the top 200s on ladder and feel pretty confident about tours in there. GSC is iffy, just because it's so hard to get good games, and DPP as much as I hate that format despite it being my favorite gen, I'm at the cusp of about top 500 in there, too, but have no interest in participating in tours there. I feel good.
I made some RBY buds on discord I think. We talk. It's all cool.
I got back into ADV, and I don't know why, but even though that's the first of the OUs I start to have problems with, I have an urge to be dominant there. I want to succeed. I want to prove to myself I can do it, and prove all the people who used to pick on me wrong.
So, getting a tutor recently, I got back on the grind, and I started to play more, and eventually the time came where I was invited to a server to do some scouting for opponents on tours, and it really gave me anxiety going back in there; the people that don't like me are still there, still very active, and I just want to stay my distance. However, curiousity got the better of me, and I looked to see through the past messages on the server if I had been talked about.
And, unsuprisingly, people haven't forgotten about me. They still talk about me.
I'll be completely honest; I've done and said a lot of stupid shit in places like Mushi League or wherever I've been wherever I'm talked about. I've gotten a reputation for being a dumbass, and it's my fault. I don't think the other side is completely innocent either, in fact I feel people really fueled the fire over there.
Some of the stuff I don't even remember because I was too angry at the moment and might have blocked it out or pushed it all aside and bundled it together with all the other bad experiences I've had here, and never really reflected. I've done stuff like demand ELO from PS staff because my internet was shit one night and I lost too many games from disconnections, I've been hostile at people giving me advice, and probably other things I can't even remember. I'm no saint.
I wish I could reset. I don't know if it's even possible given how much I've tried to move past it, but it brings back bad memories and a lot of tears because I feel like a shitty person and maybe I don't deserve to be in this community still. I had a really, really rough last 4 months of 2024. Probably the worst of my life. Got fired from my job and my dog drowned in October, girlfriend cheated on me twice and my best friends backstabbed and blackmailed me in November, and I attempted suicide in December. I remember around that time I had been getting a lot of shit and spitting a lot of venom. It wasn't great.
No excuses for my behavior, but, I wish I could start over. I wish I could also find an ADV community, any other community besides the ones I have that I don't need to be afraid of, or feel any kind of anger towards people for what they had done to me before.
I couldn't help it. I loved this series since I was young, and there's only so many times you can play through the games again before you want a real challenge. I started small with RBY, got to about the top 200s on ladder and feel pretty confident about tours in there. GSC is iffy, just because it's so hard to get good games, and DPP as much as I hate that format despite it being my favorite gen, I'm at the cusp of about top 500 in there, too, but have no interest in participating in tours there. I feel good.
I made some RBY buds on discord I think. We talk. It's all cool.
I got back into ADV, and I don't know why, but even though that's the first of the OUs I start to have problems with, I have an urge to be dominant there. I want to succeed. I want to prove to myself I can do it, and prove all the people who used to pick on me wrong.
So, getting a tutor recently, I got back on the grind, and I started to play more, and eventually the time came where I was invited to a server to do some scouting for opponents on tours, and it really gave me anxiety going back in there; the people that don't like me are still there, still very active, and I just want to stay my distance. However, curiousity got the better of me, and I looked to see through the past messages on the server if I had been talked about.
And, unsuprisingly, people haven't forgotten about me. They still talk about me.
I'll be completely honest; I've done and said a lot of stupid shit in places like Mushi League or wherever I've been wherever I'm talked about. I've gotten a reputation for being a dumbass, and it's my fault. I don't think the other side is completely innocent either, in fact I feel people really fueled the fire over there.
Some of the stuff I don't even remember because I was too angry at the moment and might have blocked it out or pushed it all aside and bundled it together with all the other bad experiences I've had here, and never really reflected. I've done stuff like demand ELO from PS staff because my internet was shit one night and I lost too many games from disconnections, I've been hostile at people giving me advice, and probably other things I can't even remember. I'm no saint.
I wish I could reset. I don't know if it's even possible given how much I've tried to move past it, but it brings back bad memories and a lot of tears because I feel like a shitty person and maybe I don't deserve to be in this community still. I had a really, really rough last 4 months of 2024. Probably the worst of my life. Got fired from my job and my dog drowned in October, girlfriend cheated on me twice and my best friends backstabbed and blackmailed me in November, and I attempted suicide in December. I remember around that time I had been getting a lot of shit and spitting a lot of venom. It wasn't great.
No excuses for my behavior, but, I wish I could start over. I wish I could also find an ADV community, any other community besides the ones I have that I don't need to be afraid of, or feel any kind of anger towards people for what they had done to me before.
You can't reset, but you can change. Arguably, that's better than a reset because you have the knowledge and wisdom to avoid your previous circumstances. As long as you can make choices, you can change.
I'm glad you decided to keep living.
Even still, the damage is done and I'm always going to be hearing about it. It hurts me.
Starting over is overrated.
Now rebuilding - that is difficult. Necessary and rewarding if you think of it as “painting the forth bridge” - i.e. never done.
I’m sorry for the awful time you have gone through.
Now rebuilding - that is difficult. Necessary and rewarding if you think of it as “painting the forth bridge” - i.e. never done.
I’m sorry for the awful time you have gone through.
It will hurt. But I hope that pain can be used as a guard rail to prevent you from becoming the person you don't want to be. Over time, the person people know you today will be way more important than the degrading memories and stories of a past. Especially if the person you become, the person you are is very different than the person they vaguely remember.
I recently started with Warhammer and it genuinely has such a positive effect on my mental
Building the minis is very calming, kitbashing and painting allows for quite a lot of expression and is also very calming, just being in the store and talking and playing with people is wonderful
I'd recommend it to people if they just want something that's peaceful and social. It's pricey obviously, but getting the minis used and starting with killteam is actually quite affordable.
Building the minis is very calming, kitbashing and painting allows for quite a lot of expression and is also very calming, just being in the store and talking and playing with people is wonderful
I'd recommend it to people if they just want something that's peaceful and social. It's pricey obviously, but getting the minis used and starting with killteam is actually quite affordable.
I feel like I need to post a short update on my mental health, especially since I don't view Smogon as social media (for multiple reasons that go outside the scope, but I'll go into detail below)
I feel like I'm posting here with my real ego, however, I feel like I have also been assigned a virtual ego, composed of my presence on social media such as Reddit, Facebook, and Instagram. Anyway, I read a book that expands on this idea, and focuses on how scrolling, constantly new information, and psychological effects like FOMO and short posts can severely affect your mental health, with high risk drug-like consequences. The amount of likes or karma you get on a post, the need to feel superior, acknowledged, getting filters in order to build your GHOSTLY virtual presence (furthermore, the author introduces the idea of anti metalepsis, where the world of the virtual, which you created, bounces back to you like Hatterene bounces back SR, and starts having more and more of an effect on your physical and mental health as you go in order to feed your virtual identity)
And i just had an episode of browsing r/GenZ and their male loneliness epidemic threads... wow I'm addicted to mental flagellation. I just think this is not the real me... I'm not supposed to act like this. When I was 12, I deserved to have a community where I could grow, learn and become a functional adult, if school couldn't do it since I was being bullied there. But this option did not exist because I grew up in a village, we were poor, and my dad did not want to move out to a more urban area.
Now I connected back to my real self, and I think I can join the real world. The internet and social media really caused me a lot of damage and mental health issues. Obviously this doesn't mean I will stop using it or playing video games for example since i play showdown in a recreational way and I don't see it as an addiction.
However, scrolling is an addiction for me, as well as the state of misery, many aspects of the internet, and social media. I just want to have friends and lovers in my life, and for this i will put work into myself, a thing I never liked doing until I realized why... i felt possessed by myself, or more specifically, my virtual identity. Hence the "selling your soul" accolade I gave.
I feel like I'm posting here with my real ego, however, I feel like I have also been assigned a virtual ego, composed of my presence on social media such as Reddit, Facebook, and Instagram. Anyway, I read a book that expands on this idea, and focuses on how scrolling, constantly new information, and psychological effects like FOMO and short posts can severely affect your mental health, with high risk drug-like consequences. The amount of likes or karma you get on a post, the need to feel superior, acknowledged, getting filters in order to build your GHOSTLY virtual presence (furthermore, the author introduces the idea of anti metalepsis, where the world of the virtual, which you created, bounces back to you like Hatterene bounces back SR, and starts having more and more of an effect on your physical and mental health as you go in order to feed your virtual identity)
And i just had an episode of browsing r/GenZ and their male loneliness epidemic threads... wow I'm addicted to mental flagellation. I just think this is not the real me... I'm not supposed to act like this. When I was 12, I deserved to have a community where I could grow, learn and become a functional adult, if school couldn't do it since I was being bullied there. But this option did not exist because I grew up in a village, we were poor, and my dad did not want to move out to a more urban area.
Now I connected back to my real self, and I think I can join the real world. The internet and social media really caused me a lot of damage and mental health issues. Obviously this doesn't mean I will stop using it or playing video games for example since i play showdown in a recreational way and I don't see it as an addiction.
However, scrolling is an addiction for me, as well as the state of misery, many aspects of the internet, and social media. I just want to have friends and lovers in my life, and for this i will put work into myself, a thing I never liked doing until I realized why... i felt possessed by myself, or more specifically, my virtual identity. Hence the "selling your soul" accolade I gave.