the passions

[RosebloomNixie]

This thread is cool.

Lets start with how I am at this present moment. I am 19 and I'm finally settling in to the type of life I will lead. I made the move away from home last year and I am starting to get a sense of independence which has done wonders for my confidence which has been a problem alot of the way through my life. I am getting out and for the first time since probably primary school I am part of a large group of friends that isn't really dominated by any one or any type of person. We all get on well and are easy going and I feel accepted which is new for me. University is a wondrous place and I revel in the environment, the day to day mixture of structure, independence and mystery have given me a place where I belong. I'm searching for a significant person in my life and so far have not found one. I somewhat recently started having my first real emotional experiences and while it was handled poorly on my part it has given me confidence moving forward and I think I am ready to start dating seriously.

In highschool however I was a joker. Noone really took me seriously despite my obvious smarts. This made me an outcast on two levels and I started losing alot of closeness I had had earlier on in highschool. I somewhat resent my small friendship group as they were very selfish of my friendship and didn't really give me room to be myself or be with other friends. That's really shaped me today and I try to be a low maintenance friend in so far as I don't get offended when people break plans or anything as I have faith they will make it up to me and they often do. The mutual respect has really shaped who I am right now as it lets me be me and allows me to always have someone who I can hang out with who I know, which is important in the social atmosphere that I am currently in.

Not going to go further back as it will turn into a sob story and I have put that stuff behind me and I'm dealing with the long term implications now which is going to probably be big in the next chapter of my life. So maybe more about that later.

 

[ivar]

woah i just read my op and now i'm like "holy shit i wrote that?"

every time i see a thread necro with a post i wrote i just can't fathom that i wrote it

lol am i really that obnoxious? haha probably

 

[Venom]

I can sit here and type of how much of a gangster life living in a prominently Mexican and black area with no white people and how I've had being is a correctional school for a good time and how drugs influenced me, but I'll go deeper. Some backround;

Growing in a rough area of Houston I learned a lot of things. How ignorant your own people can be; a more how sometimes you can let other's people ignorance influence you. You don't realize this until you step outside the box, or you learn yourself the tough way. Why do your own people steal from each other? Why do we kill each other sometimes over a fucking color? This are the types of things I started to realize when I was about 16 or 17, during the aftermath of my "desmadre" or bullshit I did.

A little about me; I'm a Mexican living in the southside of Houston, on the other side of Reliant stadium but a little more back to where the ghetto is found. I came to the United States when I was about 3 years old. I was passed with some fake documentation claiming I was a baby from an Italian family who had gone to Mexico for a business trip. My parents crossed the Rio Bravo river on top of a tier. We settled on this side in what I call my house now, a little ass raggity house. I turned 5 and started going to school like any other American kid. I learned the English like any other American as well. I was just another lucky Mexican kid living the American life. Growing up I started dressing how the others dressed; big pants and big shirts. You don't hear anything around here but Hip Hop music, mostly the Chopped and Screwed genre around here, and the music is very influential. My household was a mess. We had about 12 people living in my home at one point. To me it was a normal thing to wake up and see people sleeping on my floor. Or waking up to a baby's cry. To other people it might seem weird, even taboo.

Growing up I always felt lonely, to this day in fact. My mother and father were always working 2 jobs and I had nobody at home really expect my brother, who would smoke and drink every day up to his fucking ass eventually dropping out and started doing stupid shit. Once he got locked up it really went downhill for me. My father a good father, but not what I needed. I don't blame him, his father didn't do any better. My used to be a pretty heavy alcoholic and smoked weed, though he denied it. Cocaine was also evident in him, but he always denied it. He thought I was blind. My mother was always working and I didn't see her but only in the mornings and at night I was already asleep to say goodnight; everyday shit here.

I was always seen as that guy that didn't smile all the time. I wasn't sad, I just have a hard time smiling like other people. With my brother not there and my parents had little time for me, I always felt alone, and started to feel like the wrong friends were the right friends. I was always looking for the right way to do the wrong things. Eventually I was found with weed in the 7th grade and was turned in. I didn't sell it, only helped, but yeah it's selling if I get a few dollars for what I sold. I did a few years in correctional school, which is makes kids worse instead of better. It wasn't a jail, it was more like a place where they get certain type of teachers to teach you and talk to you like if you're some kind of retard. If this people knew how it is growing up around people you grow up with in this type of neighboorhood. I eventually got out and was in 10th grade high school. I lived the typical High school life. I chilled out a lot and started listening to my mom. It took her a few tears here and there but I'm here now.

In this same grade I fell for this one girl. Crazily. I had never felt this feeling in my stomach before for some girl. Eventually Valentines Day turned out to be "the day" as I call it. Probably the shittiest memory of my life. A bear and a box of recess in the shape of a heart didn't even get her to turn around. To think I did a lot of shit for her and she did that. After that life hit me like a fucking bat in the face. I didn't have anything. I felt emotionless. I started acting even harder after that. I acted like I had no heart. Because I felt that was the only way to avoid being heart broken again; to act cold. I completely changed myself for this one person, which is probably the stupidest thing I ever did, and even stupider to think I actually had a chance. If I walk around with a "frown" it's for a reason, but people laber you like if you're a canned good. "He's a fucking gangster". "He's trying to act hard".

In reality, everybody around this area knows me. I'm not a show off or anything. I'm just known. Everytime I go around at least one person knows me. I dab everybody up. I don't make anybody different. If you know me you know me. But you don't understand me on the inside. I've had a few girlfriends, but honestly it's just for one thing: fucking. Some girls just let you know indiscreetly what she wants. But in all seriousness, I feel I don't have time for this love game. It's bullshit.

tl;dr: Kinda tough growing up. Feel alone at times, though I have a lot of friends. I'm very social, go to partys. Just feel like that one person hurt me a lot. Don't trust anybody. I'm a very private person in real life, even with my family.

I'm sure I didn't type up this very well, I missed a lot of shit.

 

[SMZ]

When I was younger I was of relatively low self-esteem with some conditions that made me feel depressed, moody, easily irritated and self-doubting, with time I have gained more confidence, but I was still in the "low zone". It is not until college, that I have (due to many factors), decided well I have to not have low-moderate confidence, but good confidence, and I really shouldn't concern myself of what people "think of me" (to some extent).

Now I am of good confidence and can usually handle emotional imbalance, but "recently" (recently being half a year ago), I started doubting my religion which made me a skeptic, in which I developed some kind of an alter ego, one the normal, the other being the religious skeptic one. The emotional part lies in the part that I will mos it likely have to give up family relationship if I were to speak out of my views(I'd not care about what others think, but family/friends only to the extent because I don't want to lose them), as they'll most likely not accept, and judging how religious my father is, it is very possible he'd kick me out anyway. Even with family attachment and other issues I try as much to leave emotion aside when I am looking into religions in (as much as possible) unbiased fashion.

Besides the skepticism factor, I have limited ways of "expressing" my emotions, a somewhat lack of empathy, but only in terms of expressing. For example, if someone gives me a gift I love, I am not the kind of guy who scream "yes! thank you soo much", but inside I'd be satisfied and be grateful for that person, this also applies to sadness, when something sad happens to me I don't go and cry, but I'd have the feelings inside of me. So, it's a mixture of emotional suppression and lack of expression.

 

[Shinryu]

First of all when I saw this thread, this popped into my head:

Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.
The Force shall free me.

Sith kick ass. Only wish I could emulate that...

Now on a more serious note (and since the necro thread is now appropriate for discussion), I'm not honestly sure how I feel anymore...more frustrated if anything. Still haven't gotten the right career job since graduating college, still not getting interviews and getting rejected of the ones I do get, likely stuck in yet another year in my shitastic part time job...hell even a walmart cashier today thought I looked unusually sad when I was buying stuff. Which came off as totally random to me since I usually don't get that while shopping, and certainly I'm not one to show my emotions...

But yeah I mostly keep emotions to myself out in public, I've always been shy and antisocial to a degree growing up anyways. Won't lie, posting random crap on the internet and conversing with people through text is far easier than in real life for me, I just can't get into the flow of conversations with people in real life where I tend to just listen and respond (as to me, I find it hard to interject or interrupt as I view it as rude in real life when others are speaking, and before I can respond someone else usually starts up so I just give up usually). People in general tire me out as well, I enjoy keeping to myself instead of going out; I enjoy time with family as family is important to me, but I honestly couldn't give a fuck about anyone else existing in the world in that ok, other people, they're there. So what? I mean I care about other people I know, I just don't care about anyone else in general. Friends I find hard to make, I count people I know online as friends and have met some over the vgcs of course, but as for friends I know living nearby, zero.

On that note, even Pokemon depresses me a bit nowdays. Having played it since it first came out in 1998 on other kid's GBs before I got my own later, it's been hitting me that it's been 14 years since it came out; all of the juniors, most of the seniors, and probably even a few masters weren't even born yet. So in that way there's just a disconnect to me and what I grew up playing compared to any new players out there. Not to mention I feel as old as hell now in terms of Pokemon playing years despite being 10 when it came out.

 

[Vein]

On that note, even Pokemon depresses me a bit nowdays. Having played it since it first came out in 1998 on other kid's GBs before I got my own later, it's been hitting me that it's been 14 years since it came out; all of the juniors, most of the seniors, and probably even a few masters weren't even born yet. So in that way there's just a disconnect to me and what I grew up playing compared to any new players out there. Not to mention I feel as old as hell now in terms of Pokemon playing years despite being 10 when it came out.

haha same here. i got into pokemon when it first came out (my high school days!) and now I'm in my late 20's with 2 kids and still playing it! but yeah it's a bit frustating knowing that you're not supposed to be playing pokemon at this age..

i'm actually a american black guy living here in a little third world far east asian country called the Philippines. I went here just for vacation 10 years ago and got really interested living here until I find myself actually living here. I even have my own family here and my heart just became a Filipino..

btw, the time i decided to live here, they seem to have mini-racial issues for black people as ugly ones. have to live with it though since it's not so bad compared to other places and sometimes it's funny when i really think of it. But when i got in college, things have changed. It seems i got the heart of almost everbody (probably being the tallest one, and i'm a bit cool and smart lol). I have actually changed a lot since.. the way i speak, music almost everything. and it's a choice for me. i like this.

and now, i'm living the best time of my life with my family, profession and these little brown friends who still thinks that blacks are ugly.

 

[Glen]

woah i just read my op and now i'm like "holy shit i wrote that?"

every time i see a thread necro with a post i wrote i just can't fathom that i wrote it

lol am i really that obnoxious? haha probably

imagine how i feel when i read my 'glens thoughts' thread

 

[Pernicious]

glen i really liked that thread!

i in general like threads like these (and i loved "how you've grown") they remind me of a big internet campfire where our feelings pour out like the sloppy insides of a marshmallow.

i'll cut to the chase (to preface: i am a white high schooler living in competitive and urban learning environment)

right now i feel right awful, i've been embroiled in an emotionally draining conflict with the person i'd consider my best friend, and it keeps dragging on. it's absolutely poisonous and the only reason i don't end it (as he's been both insidiously and openly suggesting for several weeks now) is because a. i feel terrible to neglect my friend in such a way and embarrassed that perhaps i've let my ambition and desire for good grades overshadow my actual friendships (which are more important) and b. i feel like if we were to break up it would be for a very stupid reason! there has been what i think of as some horrible event in our past that he likes to mysteriously allude to as the reason he hates me and i feel like he's always waiting to screw up. and it pisses me off that that's why we would ruin such a strong friendship (he is gay by the way, not sure if that's relevant!) meanwhile he receives accolades for his work in media on a national level, further blurring for me the line between emotional and actual success, something that i'd say kind of clashes at the forefront of my mind these days.

the other thing that's making me type strenuously at twelve mid night is my "love life": the girl i've been talking well to for a few months has just been ignoring me, which is my fault, having stemmed from me feeling that she was too good for me and for some odd reason deciding not to talk to her unless she reciprocated the sentiment. oops i tend to think people are too good for me and get surprised when i get what i want or reciprocate any kind of affection probably stemming from being bullied in elementary school? ha ha ... sorry this ended up being about two isolated events and not "my personality" but i find it easier to talk about myself through happenstances and not random threads of displaced emotions vibrating with electric pulses of teenage melancholy

i agree with what (someone?) said a couple of pages ago as well about teenage boys in particular feeling like they've been duped out of the magical existence promised to them by movies, books, and tv. totally applicable to me: up until two years ago i really did a magic dragon would come down and spirit me away from this little earthly dome!

 

[Cooky]

i in general like threads like these (and i loved "how you've grown") they remind me of a big internet campfire where out feelings pour out like the sloppy insides of a marshmallow.

lol perfect analogy

anyway, this is really interesting guys. I dont really have much to add, but this thread gives me a much more appreciative perspective on my life and personality and stuff.

 

[Alchemator]

I am feeling much happier generally than I did at the time of my previous post.

Still an angsty teenager though.

 

[cookie]

You know what sucks? The realisation that it seems you will never be content with anything and always be pursuing things you don't have.

 

[Glen]

You know what sucks? The realisation that it seems you will never be content with anything and always be pursuing things you don't have.

there's a silver lining in that the realization that you have such a disposition at such a relatively young age will probably save you some heartache

 

[az]

woah byrne what an obnoxious post!!

also im really happy to see this thread still alive and well

 

[Darkaxis]

please acceptable necro?

UpDaTe!

She started dating my friend again. As you can remember! that's not the end of it.
They broke up.. again.
and there I go nice as I am give her a second chance
Today out of all days my bff (she was always against us) saw one message in her cellphone, of my friend.they never broke up
she was dating me AND my friend
for one whole month.
I brought her Many things roses and a pretty plushy. I (obviously) didn't give her anything broke up with her. Saying she was a FUCKING bitch
one of her best friends came to my side and tells me her PW of FB.
As I skim through her convos, I got envergado which means mad in Spanish. She said all kinds of pretty things to him. And she just wanted me because
a. She didnt want to hurt me
b. She liked how I kissed.
and thats that all I can remember.

oh and I expected something like that from her
thats why I ain't butthurt about it
And I am trying to hook up with another one of her friends.

sorry I fucked there I c/p'd from Facebook. I didn't want to type the whole thing 'cause I am a lazy bastard.