a lot of people have been asking me what specifically constitutes a video game for men. in our modern world, not enough games have a sign outside the door which clearly states: no girls allowed. ive decided to quell the uproar and formulate the definitive list of video games for guys. this list has no particular order. if you have any questions let me know.
1. noita
if you played powder game when you were a young man like me then this is basically if powder game if it was actually a game. noita is also the only roguelike for guys. anyway, you spawn with a two random wands and throughout the zones other abilities will drop that you can equip onto your wands and combine in order to explode your pc as fast as possible. the world of the game is hostile and expansive, and it gives you no definitive direction, no powerups, nor perks after death. the only thing you are consistently armed with is game knowledge and the hard yearning desire to solve the Great Work and cast the glorious Red Sun upon the land.
2. earth defense force
let me make something absolutely clear: this game sucks. however, in line with its genre (video games for men,) its extremely important to know that playing "good" video games actively makes you a weaker person. that being said, this game is it right here. its an ugly planet, and its a bug planet. personally i have only played edf 4.1 but from what i understand its basically all the same shit.
the meat and potatoes of this game is the forty something levels of the campaign where you do nothing except kill giant bugs and for some inexplicable reason the giant robots they pilot(?). this is video gaming in its most raw form. playing this game for 10 minutes makes my head hurt. edf is the purest, most undiluted gaming experience you will ever encounter. if you want my serious advice on the matter, pick up edf 4.1 on sale, play it with friends, and set the language to english.
3. off
i feel like i dont have to explain this one
4. mordhau
i once had a dream that i played mordhau. when i woke up, i immediately sat down and dropped thirty bones for the game to relive the dream. saying that this game is for men is an understatement. it is also in the top ten for funniest games of all time, but thats a different list. however, this game is also an elaborate form of self harm. continuing to play this game for more than a couple of matches will do serious damage to your psyche. i call this the warlock lifestyle. its important to use life tap in all aspects of your existence. why? it doesnt matter. what does matter is that mordhau lets you play the lute. also the horse is broken.
5. sekiro
i mostly played this game when i was on valium. i havent gotten past the kid at the beginning but im wondering if maybe i can walk past him
6. The Witcher III: Wild Hunt: Game of The Year Edition w/ Hearts of Stone and Blood and Wine DLCs
see above
7. portal 2
its important to note that a game does not necessarily need to have combat to be considered as a video game for men. like the noble onion, one must have layers to their prowess in 3d environments. i remember when portal was really big and all the would-be reddit nerds were obsessed with making real life portal gun props. now, all those guys are weeded out by hentai games or whatever. anyway, it takes a true man to now appreciate the finer details of portal's masterpiece in the current age. such as finding the most creative ways to kill the little turret guys.
if you have any ideas feel free to provide them. if they will get added to the list i cannot say for certain.
1. noita
if you played powder game when you were a young man like me then this is basically if powder game if it was actually a game. noita is also the only roguelike for guys. anyway, you spawn with a two random wands and throughout the zones other abilities will drop that you can equip onto your wands and combine in order to explode your pc as fast as possible. the world of the game is hostile and expansive, and it gives you no definitive direction, no powerups, nor perks after death. the only thing you are consistently armed with is game knowledge and the hard yearning desire to solve the Great Work and cast the glorious Red Sun upon the land.
2. earth defense force
let me make something absolutely clear: this game sucks. however, in line with its genre (video games for men,) its extremely important to know that playing "good" video games actively makes you a weaker person. that being said, this game is it right here. its an ugly planet, and its a bug planet. personally i have only played edf 4.1 but from what i understand its basically all the same shit.
the meat and potatoes of this game is the forty something levels of the campaign where you do nothing except kill giant bugs and for some inexplicable reason the giant robots they pilot(?). this is video gaming in its most raw form. playing this game for 10 minutes makes my head hurt. edf is the purest, most undiluted gaming experience you will ever encounter. if you want my serious advice on the matter, pick up edf 4.1 on sale, play it with friends, and set the language to english.
3. off
i feel like i dont have to explain this one
4. mordhau
i once had a dream that i played mordhau. when i woke up, i immediately sat down and dropped thirty bones for the game to relive the dream. saying that this game is for men is an understatement. it is also in the top ten for funniest games of all time, but thats a different list. however, this game is also an elaborate form of self harm. continuing to play this game for more than a couple of matches will do serious damage to your psyche. i call this the warlock lifestyle. its important to use life tap in all aspects of your existence. why? it doesnt matter. what does matter is that mordhau lets you play the lute. also the horse is broken.
5. sekiro
i mostly played this game when i was on valium. i havent gotten past the kid at the beginning but im wondering if maybe i can walk past him
6. The Witcher III: Wild Hunt: Game of The Year Edition w/ Hearts of Stone and Blood and Wine DLCs
see above
7. portal 2
its important to note that a game does not necessarily need to have combat to be considered as a video game for men. like the noble onion, one must have layers to their prowess in 3d environments. i remember when portal was really big and all the would-be reddit nerds were obsessed with making real life portal gun props. now, all those guys are weeded out by hentai games or whatever. anyway, it takes a true man to now appreciate the finer details of portal's masterpiece in the current age. such as finding the most creative ways to kill the little turret guys.
if you have any ideas feel free to provide them. if they will get added to the list i cannot say for certain.
