You are probably thinking right now, what does this mean? Either that, or you are thinking, why am I here when I could be doing something meaningful?
I can't answer the latter, but the former? I recently had a UU battle with someone called lopunny on the Smogon Shoddy Battle Server. Now, I'd been in a bit of a losing streak, and I was in no fit shape to try to adjust my game to someone with such... radical new strategies.
Now and again, I come across a hax-abuser such as Togekiss or Skymin, and I find it a bit annoying when I flinch once or twice. But lopunny adjusted her entire team to abuse, as much as possible, every way she could find to grind my team to a halt.
This battle is rather short, but also rather unusual. It is unusual in ways I have already described, but also in terms that do not involve the teams. Perhaps, and this is only speculation, it has a message behind it as well. But you are free to form your own opinions on this matter.
In the meantime, sit back, relax, and prepare to waste five precious minutes of your lives on a tale of love, that can alter the course of history, even in pokemon. Of loyalty, that unswerving yet mysterious moral that so often clashes, and has clashed, with love. And last but not least, the beautifully named, Parattrafusiohax.
BUGMANIACBOB's TEAM:
LOPUNNY's TEAM:
Rules: Ladder Match, Sleep Clause, Freeze Clause, OHKO Clause, Evasion Clause, Species Clause, Strict Damage Clause
The following pokemon have Leftovers: Froslass, Lanturn, Miltank, Clefable (lopunny)
Leftovers will be omitted.
bug maniac bob sent out Scyther (lvl 100 Scyther ?).
lopunny sent out Froslass (lvl 100 Froslass ?).
---
The first match-up is one I see a lot. Froslass cannot OHKO, for the very simple reason that I have a Sash. I assume that he will try to lay some Spikes down, since in the eyes of many Scyther cannot possibly defeat Froslass, who is faster and has Super-Effective STAB. So, I attempt to Swords dance up and score a quick KO.
Froslass used Attract.
Scyther fell in love!
Scyther is in love with foe Froslass!
Scyther used Swords Dance.
Scyther's attack was sharply raised.
---
This is unexpected. Froslass uses Attract, which I have little to no experience with. Now, assuming that this Froslass just used one of the more 'risky' status afflictions, it is a safe bet that it will then follow it up with another, and then begin to battle properly, as in a sort of Quasi-Parafusion technique. I am tempted to keep going, but I am still sensible enough to realise the danger my team is in from this Froslass. I decide to clear away the mess once and for all.
Froslass used Thunder Wave.
Scyther is paralysed! It may be unable to move!
Scyther is in love with foe Froslass!
Scyther is immobilised by love!
---
I begin to worry now. Scyther is very little use paralysed and with two status afflictions, my opponent's intentions become crystal clear and my suspicions are proved right. Neverless, I vow to continue my campaign and destroy his Froslass, the fact that Scyther is now useless for anything else notwithstanding.
Froslass used Confuse Ray.
Scyther became confused!
Scyther is in love with foe Froslass!
Scyther is immobilised by love!
---
With three status afflictions, things begin to look grim. I have one more turn of borrowed time with my Focus Sash, assuming it Ice Beams, and I have a brief mental debate, which concludes that I must honour my vow to give those that are my responsibility a noble death, even virtual creatures. Go, Scyther, and do not let me down!
Froslass used Ice Beam.
It's super effective!
Scyther lost 100% of its health.
Scyther hung on using its Focus Sash!
Scyther is in love with foe Froslass!
Scyther is immobilised by love!
---
It's all... over. Scyther has failed me. He has abandoned my control for the carefree love of a weird, floating ice cube. Can I bring myself to pull him out? I shrug my cotton-reinforced shoulders and sound the retreat, and send in my number one (conventional) Froslass counter.
bug maniac bob switched in Clefable (lvl 100 Clefable ?).
Froslass used Ice Beam.
Clefable lost 35% of its health.
Clefable was badly poisoned!
---
Clefable took a fair bit of damage from that, but I am not unduly worried. Clefable is female, so cannot be affected by Attract, and its Toxic Orb has just activated, so it cannot be paralysed, and Magic Guard prevents damage from Confuse Ray.
When I first started battling in OU, I once lost Clefable to a Froslass after deciding that I had enough time to set up Stealth Rock and heal off the damage with little to no trouble. Of course, Clefable is 3HKO'ed by Froslass's Ice Beam, so with Lady Luck's cooperation taken for granted, I can heal off damage with Softboiled and then set up the Rocks.
Froslass used Confuse Ray.
Clefable became confused!
Clefable is confused!
Clefable used Softboiled.
Clefable restored 35% of its health.
Clefable is hurt by poison!
---
I run Stealth Rock Clefable, not only because it is the most durable pokemon on my team, but also because since I replaced Steelix for Weezing I have been without any other pokemon that can set up Rocks (Kabutops is needed for the power, as seen later in the battle...).
Froslass used Ice Beam.
Clefable lost 35% of its health.
Clefable is confused!
It hurt itself in its confusion!
Clefable is hurt by poison!
---
Oh curses. I've missed another turn, which is battle-changing for anyone on Smogon, and I'm beginning to lose faith in my own abilities. I know it may be daft, but I feel very crushed at this point.
Froslass used Ice Beam.
Clefable lost 34% of its health.
Clefable is confused!
It hurt itself in its confusion!
Clefable is hurt by poison!
---
I was recently on a terrible losing streak and this seemed, to me, to be the crowning humiliation. After defeating mind, I was in a state of euphoria and I lost five matches in a row.
But to get back to the battle, Clefable was lost. Perhaps if I had let Scyther die to allow Clefable to come in unopposed... but never mind. I decide to let Clefable rest in peace, and I bring in something to get rid of Froslass for good.
Froslass used Ice Beam.
Clefable lost 31% of its health.
bug maniac bob's Clefable fainted.
---
bugmaniacbob 5 - 6 lopunny
RIP Clefable. Anyway, I bring in the only member of my team fast enough to outspeed a Froslass...
bug maniac bob switched in Hitmonlee (lvl 100 Hitmonlee ?).
Hitmonlee used Blaze Kick.
It's super effective!
Froslass lost 93% of its health.
Froslass used Confuse Ray.
Hitmonlee became confused!
---
My Hitmonlee is Scarfed, cannot be paralysed because of Limber and it outspeeds Froslass to hit with a powerful Blaze Kick, which narrowly fails to OHKO. I am gobsmacked. Even with no boosts, a Super Effective Base 85 attack from something like Hitmonlee should have OHKO'ed a Froslass, in my opinion...
But more importantly, Hitmonlee is now confused, and judging from my opponent's previous luck, Hitmonlee has a very slim chance now to finish the lass off. But many people forget that Hitmonlee's Special Defence is something like the 20th best in the game, so it can survive an Ice beam or two and easily OHKO with another Blaze Kick.
Hitmonlee is confused!
It hurt itself in its confusion!
Hitmonlee lost 36% of its health.
Froslass used Attract.
Hitmonlee fell in love!
---
That whack from confusion scuppers any chance I have of being 3HKO'ed by Froslass. And now Froslass has reinforced its paper defences with another barrier, the peculiar force of love.
Hitmonlee snapped out of confusion!
Hitmonlee is in love with foe Froslass!
Hitmonlee is immobilised by love!
Froslass used Ice Beam.
Hitmonlee lost 49% of its health.
---
Hitmonlee is crushed, battered, beaten and in love with a sentient drink cooler. Lopunny's safeguard of love proves to have been a good decision, as Hitmonlee breaks through the makeshift defence of confusion, but falls to its knees, clutching its... er, chest-head-thing in its hands and making jubilant proclamations declaring undying love for Frossy-wossy. I try, one last time, to bring him back to the light, and to dispose of that witch once and for all.
Hitmonlee is in love with foe Froslass!
Hitmonlee is immobilised by love!
Froslass used Ice Beam.
Hitmonlee lost 16% of its health.
bug maniac bob's Hitmonlee fainted.
---
bugmaniacbob 4 - 6 lopunny
Hitmonlee's expression is one of shock and betrayal as the ice hits him, or at least it would be if he had a face... anyway, back to the battle.
Maybe I should have switched Lee out and in again, I don't know. But I was unwilling to allow Froslass to score a powerful hit on any of my other pokemon, especially as most of them couldn't take a powerful Ice Beam, and I thought it would be more productive to give my next pokemon a free switch-in, like I did with Clefable. Enter one of my favourite pokemon of all time, ever since RBY, who has at last found love in the Platinum UU generation...
bug maniac bob switched in Kabutops (lvl 100 Kabutops ?).
lopunny: whats wrong lol
Froslass used Attract.
Kabutops fell in love!
Kabutops is in love with foe Froslass!
Kabutops used Rain Dance.
Rain began to fall!
The rain continues to fall.
---
That little jest, that taunt, really brought the blood surging to my ears. That they could taunt me! I assume that this was the effect she wanted, much like the ingame Taunt, to force me to only use attacking moves. I have to fight within as well as without, to keep my calm and my wits intact.
I read in a book somewhere: 'Create a plan, memorise it, make sure your team know it and stick to it; that is the best approach.' And I know that if my Kabutops gets a Rain Dance up, it is practically unstoppable. And for the first time, Kabutops breaks its hormonal tendencies and obeys my command. Bolstered by this, I gather enough wits to make an attempt at a decent response.
bug maniac bob: I dont usually encounter...
bug maniac bob: someone who relies on luck rather than skill.
Kabutops is in love with foe Froslass!
Kabutops used Waterfall.
Froslass lost 38% of its health.
lopunny's Froslass fainted.
Kabutops lost 10% of its health.
The rain continues to fall.
---
bugmaniacbob 4 - 5 lopunny
Well, that's true enough. I don't usually. Anyway, back on topic, I score my first kill of the day with Waterfall and simultaneously rid myself of Attract, and the Froslass that killed off half my team. I am crippled to the point of exhaustion, but now Kabutops stands firm with x2 speed, x1.5 Waterfall and 90% of its health. Look out lopunny, Kabutops is looking for vengeance!
lopunny switched in Lanturn (lvl 100 Lanturn ?).
lopunny: how dare u watch my attraction skills own all
---
This is about the worst match-up possible for me. I cannot OHKO with any of my moves, and Lanturn can easily OHKO with STAB Thunderbolt. Worse, my Clefable is defunct and I have nothing else capable of taking... well, anything from Lanturn. And worst of all, she has just made a statement that I simply MUST prove wrong, else all my dignity be lost.
Kabutops used Stone Edge.
Lanturn lost 87% of its health.
Kabutops lost 10% of its health.
Lanturn used Thunder Wave.
Kabutops is paralysed! It may be unable to move!
The rain continues to fall.
---
Can the power of hax overcome that of power? Can love overcome that of loyalty?
Anyway, back on topic. At this point I realised lopunny's entire team was probably entirely based on the same principle, and therefore my position was not as bleak as it could have been. But Kabutops was now paralysed, making Swift Swim useless and inviting Lanturn to begin working its charm on my wedge-headed crustacean.
Lanturn used Attract.
Kabutops fell in love!
Kabutops is in love with foe Lanturn!
Kabutops used Stone Edge.
Lanturn lost 19% of its health.
lopunny's Lanturn fainted.
Kabutops lost 10% of its health.
The rain continues to fall.
---
bugmaniacbob 4 - 4 lopunny
And Kabutops, yet again, chooses me over fishy-love and sends the politically-correct angler fish to Davy Jones's locker. I calculate that I have one turn of rain left, so I have to make it count.
lopunny switched in Rotom (lvl 100 Rotom).
Rotom used Trick.
Rotom obtained Life Orb!
Kabutops obtained Choice Scarf!
Kabutops used Waterfall.
Rotom lost 100% of its health.
lopunny's Rotom fainted.
The rain stopped.
---
bugmaniacbob 4 - 3 lopunny
Rotom, usually a big hazard to this team if not handled carefully, attempts an alternative way to cripple me. However, the gelatinous ball of electricity is OHKO'ed by a boosted Waterfall unexpectedly, and Kabutops claims his third kill, putting us both on a pretty much even playing field (of course, I have KO'ed 3 of hers and she has only KO'ed 2, but Scyther and Kabutops now have the same usefulness value to this team as a plate of soggy lettuce and potato peelings...).
lopunny switched in Miltank (lvl 100 Miltank ?).
Miltank used Attract.
Kabutops fell in love!
Kabutops is in love with foe Miltank!
Kabutops is immobilised by love!
---
Kabutops is mauled, paralysed, stuck on one move, on just over half of its total health and in love with a fat cow. And it has finally lost all its Rain support. I am fairly sure I can 3HKO (if it doesn't have leftovers...), but I am completely sure it has Milk Drink, and I am even more sure that Kabutops cannot hold off its sex appeal for very long. But I decide that Kabutops is now little more than a dead weight on this team, and its final act will be merely to find out as much as it can about the object of its desire. Please feel free to ignore the next five logs, as they all involve a [alliteration]bovine beast battering a bewildered brachyura[/alliteration]...
Miltank used Body Slam.
It's not very effective...
Kabutops lost 13% of its health.
Kabutops is in love with foe Miltank!
Kabutops used Waterfall.
Miltank lost 34% of its health.
---
Miltank used Body Slam.
It's not very effective...
Kabutops lost 14% of its health.
Kabutops is in love with foe Miltank!
Kabutops used Waterfall.
Miltank lost 30% of its health.
---
Miltank used Milk Drink.
Miltank restored 50% of its health.
Kabutops is in love with foe Miltank!
Kabutops used Waterfall.
Miltank lost 29% of its health.
---
Miltank used Body Slam.
It's not very effective...
Kabutops lost 15% of its health.
Kabutops is in love with foe Miltank!
Kabutops is immobilised by love!
---
Miltank used Body Slam.
It's not very effective...
Kabutops lost 13% of its health.
Kabutops is in love with foe Miltank!
Kabutops is immobilised by love!
---
Miltank used Body Slam.
It's not very effective...
A critical hit!
Kabutops lost 15% of its health.
bug maniac bob's Kabutops fainted.
---
bugmaniacbob 3 - 3 lopunny
Whatever anyone says, I still reckon that if that had not been a critical hit, I would have survived, and perhaps weakened Miltank sufficiently for my next pokemon to OHKO, which would have saved a lot of time at the end. However, it was not to be, and I turn to the last pokemon on my team capable of defeating a Miltank, not only decisively but also quickly. My last and most powerful sweeper...
bug maniac bob switched in Glaceon (lvl 100 Glaceon ?).
lopunny switched in Lopunny (lvl 100 Lopunny ?).
Glaceon used Hidden Power.
It's super effective!
Lopunny lost 78% of its health.
---
...Or wall-breaker, if you are going to be nitpicky about its below-par speed. I catch lopunny's namesake on the switch with a super-effective Hidden Power Fighting, enabling me to KO it next turn. I know what is going to happen and I am not pleased about it, but it is the only way to defeat my opponent. I have to trust my Glaceon. And pray that lopunny's luck is turned back on her.
Lopunny used Attract.
Glaceon fell in love!
Glaceon is in love with foe Lopunny!
Glaceon used Hidden Power.
It's super effective!
Lopunny lost 22% of its health.
lopunny's Lopunny fainted.
---
bugmaniacbob 3 - 2 lopunny
It came as expected, but more importantly; Glaceon overcame its sexual deprivation to defeat Bugs Bunny. Now all that remains is the pulse-pounding proclamation of lopunny's last pokemon. I have a funny feeling it is going to be Dunsparce, given the nature of this team as a whole.
lopunny switched in Clefable (lvl 100 Clefable ?).
Glaceon used Hidden Power.
It's super effective!
Clefable lost 58% of its health.
Clefable used Attract.
Glaceon fell in love!
---
But NO! Instead of the Serene and Graceful Dunsparce, in comes the Magical and Guarded Clefable. I know that Glaceon can 2HKO both of lopunny's final pokemon, so all I have to do is hope for a miracle.
Glaceon is in love with foe Clefable!
Glaceon used Hidden Power.
It's super effective!
Clefable lost 48% of its health.
lopunny's Clefable fainted.
---
bugmaniacbob 3 - 1 lopunny
The tide has turned.
lopunny switched in Miltank (lvl 100 Miltank ?).
Miltank used Attract.
Glaceon fell in love!
Glaceon is in love with foe Miltank!
Glaceon used Hidden Power.
It's super effective!
Miltank lost 67% of its health.
---
Lopunny desperately tries to hold on, but I cannot help feeling that she is fighting a losing battle here. She created this inferno, and I leave her to burn in it.
Miltank used Milk Drink.
Miltank restored 50% of its health.
Glaceon is in love with foe Miltank!
Glaceon used Hidden Power.
It's super effective!
Miltank lost 73% of its health.
---
Miltank stalls for time, as Glaceon continues to hit hard with repeated attacks. Specs Glaceon is sometimes a monster without the appropriate counter.
But the battle is reaching its climax. There is a 50% chance that I will kill his Miltank. There is also a 50% chance that Glaceon will succumb to the lures of the freedom of the green fields (as well as the beautiful and charming yet somewhat obese 'maidens' that inhabit them...) This game could be over now... or never.
(Highlight to view...)
Miltank used Milk Drink.
Miltank restored 50% of its health.
Glaceon is in love with foe Miltank!
Glaceon used Hidden Power.
It's super effective!
Miltank lost 66% of its health.
lopunny's Miltank fainted.
bug maniac bob wins!
lopunny has left the room.
bug maniac bob: be sure your sins shall find you out!
(Book of Numbers 32:23)
With an adept Bible quotation, the battle is over. The loyalty of my pokemon wins over their primaeval desires (at least, in most cases...) and I am the victor.
But there's still time for...
DIGS AND SCELS
DIGS
- Kabutops, for going on to the bitter end despite being crippled to the limits of the imagination, and grabbing three KO's.
- Glaceon, for not abandoning me when I needed him most, and for also claiming three kills (all on normal-types, for some odd reason...)
- Froslass, for claiming three (2.5 if you want to be picky) victims in her own right, and seriously annoying me.
- Weezing. Despite not doing anything, Weezing was an inexpressible comfort to me. It is always reassuring to know that one last man stands behind you, still
- Lopunny (the opponent, not the pokemon) for switching Lopunny at a crucial moment, and also for a battle that taught me a lot.
- Scyther and Hitmonlee, for failing to KO Froslass.
- Clefable (mine) for failing to get the rocks up.
- Rotom, Lanturn and Froslass, for failing to stop Kabutops.
- Miltank, Clefable and Lopunny, for failing to stop Glaceon.
- Scyther, Hitmonlee and Clefable, for failing to stop Froslass.
- The annoying sexual tendencies of my pokemon.
- The fact that Attract isn't banned.
What could it have been? That parattrafusiohax is not the way? That what we are given (as in luck) is eventually taken back? That the darkest hour is before the dawn? That if you have but one man behind you, that is sufficient to keep you going? That the only way, in any situation, to ensure your victory over any foe, is trust?
Well, maybe. And maybe not. But none of those were what I was thinking of when I decided to write this warstory. It is both relevant and contemporary, in light of the current economic crisis. It is wise and something much rarer than that. It is practical.
If you are prepared to risk everything, remember that some day, you will lose.
