My life story about why I'm so bitter:
It also didn't help that despite working my butt off to get a high SAT score (800 verbal, 800 math, 740 writing, I studied my ASS off in hopes of getting into a good school), I got rejected from most colleges (including my dream school, Harvey Mudd, got waitlisted from 5, rejected 5, accepted 5), and couldn't afford a school I wanted to go to (all of which left me bitter), so I accepted a second rate school which I'm transferring out of because I mentally couldn't handle being close to home (also not at the levels of the schools I was dreaming for, but I"m settling now because being at my own city is important for my mental sanity) and didn't like the environment there. Meanwhile, my good friend has an awesome girlfriend, is going to his dream school at the Naval Academy, is naturally charismatic (basically the opposite of being autistic), a girl I liked senior year had a crush on him instead of me, and I would give anything to be like him. I would probably be willing to give up half my lifespan or more to be like him. Oh and he can drink responsibly too without any problems and never had suicidal depression (he literally doesn't understand it or why someone would want to be suicidal). He doesn't need to see a psych or a doctor or take pills just to have a modicum of sanity, he just is sane and intelligent and good with girls. I'm good friends with him and I'm open with him about my jealousy, but I still wish I was like him.
I know it's irrational, but I've had this jealousy ever since junior year and it's killing me that my autism holds me back from having a good relationship with someone (that I want partly because my first ever experience with a huge crush ended with her killing herself and I want a better experience with love) and that I can never learn to be as charismatic as him. I see the results in real life with how he draws people to him and away from me (not purposefully away from me) and it always breaks my heart. I feel like I work hard and get nothing of value from it. I seriously wonder what the point of living is if all of my efforts seem to fail somehow, and despite seeing a therapist and taking meds, and exercising and yoga and shit I"m still lost and angry and sometimes I want to fall asleep and never wake up.
Sorry for the emoness.
