I couldn't agree more with
Squarewalker and
Minwu
For me, realising there was something conceptually that I
could be was huge for not repressing those feelings and becoming more aware of them, and in turn being able to cope with previously inarticulable yet ever-present alienation from my gender identity. I stayed in the closet for seven years after a bad experience, still, because the idea of a fixed, assigned-at-birth gender binary is so omnipresent that it's difficult to mentally overcome it; hanging around more trans people, in particular non-binary people, made me more comfortable with the idea I wasn't doubting myself, being a special snowflake for just being myself, etc. I think those ideas in general are really toxic as well as fallacious; it takes a
lot to say anything about being trans even possibly right now, hell, to even confront it mentally, so even if one has a questioning phase, aside from all the other reasons not to, there's no basis to assume it's that from default, or to treat that phase as invalid from the start. 'Special snowflake' shit made me paranoid and a lot of people I know paranoid and doubt themselves for a long time unnecessarily (there's really no innate advantage to being trans either, it's a very very toxic mentality).
I feel like I more became more comfortable with myself rather than acting very differently (dropped some weird behaviours that I felt uncomfortable emulating though) as well, but I like that as I grow, knowing I'm nb and being able to articulate those feelings may express themselves more naturally in my environmental growth
(cis queer people were very omnipresent before hetero society at large really cottoned on to the Gay Community, on the other hand increasing visibility and acceptance and possibility of same-gender relationships allowed other people to seriously acknowledge and explore feelings they might've closeted or disregarded before)
I have to be honest about the question dice posted for RODAN, and I said this on IRC to dice actually, but I disagree that we're at a huge stage of trans positivity societally, I think we are at a stage trans
visibility, which comes with it the first real positive depictions of trans people naturally. Compared to
no positive, non-pitying depictions of trans people before, especially when trans people were largely invisible in society as a real thing, that looks like an enormous positive change, especially since gay marriage was legalised in the US (which was seen, and I'm not going to go into this right now and the intra-community politics, but it was seen as a watershed moment for gay rights, which naturally helped bring trans issues out for debate), which has all kinds of effects, imaginary and real, for trans people. Consequently you see a huge backlash in result to this visibility, a lot of angry transphobes very riled up seeing it as a newish societal ill exposed to air, third-wave feminists picking up on anti-trans ideas that were relatively confined to academic second-wave feminism before, bathroom bills, mocking and brutality and hate crimes over gender still quite constant. Squarewalker rightfully and knowledgeably (as always <3) points out that medical transition was gatekept even worse than it is today, which is another reason for the visibility increase.
I don't want to be pessimistic because I think there are, like that ^^^, lots of reasons to be optimistic, but not to be complacent and give up the fight. So, yeah, I'd attribute the increasing positive depictions to visibility. Another idea I've seen thrown around before and have found very true in a lot of spaces, and discussed earlier in my post, is the idea of the 'trans domino effect': not that being around other trans people makes you trans, but enables you to actually seriously question your gender identity and possibly come to the conclusion you are trans / understand dysphoria you may be feeling already / act upon wishes like 'I wish I was a girl' (you don't need permission!) 'I wish I had __ physical configuration or presented in ___ way' etc.
Like when I was 14 and didn't even know the gender binary was a formal concept and only knew a couple of trans people, none of them non-binary, I met someone who was agender (I'm not, but I'd never met anyone who didn't identify publicly as a woman or a man), and it was just such an 'oh' moment for me, like everything clicked, but seven years of denial set in pretty easily because I only knew that one person and being a 14-year-old (as if 14-year-olds aren't capable of a sense of self! as if it isn't normal for people to grow) and stuff. And then the dysphoria would become unignorable and I'd rationalise it as body dysmorphia, as the various eating disorders I've had, as wanting to be
literally incorporeal, claim I had a questioning phase (to many people ITT even). Eventually it became so awful and suffocating I had to search back to the time when I understood dysphoria and it started to click again
It's part of why I think maintaining queer spaces like this is really important. Having a space where people can ask about gender, seek advice and support (because it's damn hard, materially emotionally etc., to be queer), vent, express ideas, see other people who are at peace with those identities, can be super useful for people grappling with those things. Keeping those spaces open to trans people, binary or non-binary, is really important as well, for all the various reasons trans people (straight or not) are associated with the lgbq community, for the things we have in common and for solidarity, etc.
P.S. Congrats on taking such a huge step, Cheryl <3 Hoping you can get to a place soon where more of your wishes are possible.
Sorry if my English is mangled, exhausted and had trouble editing this post.