I missed the signups :(
A flask filled with potato vodka
versus...
A mystical maroon molecular-morphing monocle
Along came a moron wearing a mystical maroon molecular-morphing monocle. For he was such a moron that he didn't know the mysticality and the magic contained in the monocle. He stumbled upon a flask filled with potato vodka. He gulped it down. He got drunk. He fell on his ass and broke the monocle.
Winner: Flask of vodka.
User StrangerDanger with a working chainsaw for his right hand
versus...
E. Honda carrying a ghettoblaster and weilding a whip made out of barbed wire
AD 2015. The sport of sumo wrestling has evolved a lot in the past decade. It is now a virtual sport, where weapons are now allowed. The old rules still apply: you win if you push the opponent out of the circle. Only now, it doesn’t matter if they are dead or alive.
Onto our match. Today we haven the tenacious and recently shaved StrangerDanger pitted against a sumo legend Edmond Honda of Street Fighter. Honda sets down his Ghettoblaster which promptly starts playing the classic all-time favourite ‘Baby got back’. Seems like Honda likes big butts. Meanwhile, SD is not amused. He starts up his chainsaw hand and lets out a loud roar. No one can ignore that. It’s on. Honda braces himself as SD charges. SD swings his chainsaw at Honda’s neck but Honda is p. fast for a sumo wrestler. He easily ducks and replies with a Hundred Hand Slap, his special move which is even more effect as he has his barbed-wire whip around his hand. SD lets out a groan, but takes it like a man. SD prepares for a body slam. He connects. Honda is out of breath but not hurt. Angered, Honda unwinds his whip. A loud ‘snap’ and Honda has his whip around SD’s neck. He’s going to choke him out. But SD thinks fast and remembers that this is no-holds-barred. He knees Honda in the groin. Honda is knocked down. With the crowd cheering him on, SD cuts Honda in two and chucks him out of the ring.
Winner: StrangerDanger with a chainsaw-hand.
Blackheart's trenchantly lurid heart as it pumps calmly yet powerfully in the froth of battle with Dark Akuma to decide the fate of the world.
versus...
Gary Oak's girth
Gary Oak rolls over whatever the fuck the first thing is. You can’t ignore Gary Oak’s girth.
Winner: Gary Oak’s girth.
Ballsack-Fu as featured in the film Pom Poko performed by the man (or beast??) with the largest ballsack in the world.
versus...
A sign which says "Do not press under any circumstances ever", which is located above a single bright red button, hidden underground in a top secret research facility. (The user responsible for this submittal wrote a pretty amusing/eloquent text introducing his weapon, so I'd advise you to check it out as well)
Deep in the heart of the Arizona Desert, there is a small hut, known only to the most high ranking officials at the Pentagon. You see, this hut, really conceals the entrance to a top secret research facility.
This facility is deep underground, and can be only reached by a tunnel leading from the basement of the small inoccuous hut. This facility is where the American military develops its most deadly weapons. If the general public were to find out about the abominations created therein, it would be the most damaging military scandal in the history of this great nation (pretend I am american for a bit).
The facility consists of 16 levels, each one involved in experiments exponentially more horriffic than the last. I have only heard rumours of what goes on on the 3 topmost levels, but when I was first told I was unable to sleep for days, such was my shock. I assure you that you are happier not knowing even the little that I know of the sinister perversions of nature these monsters in scientists clothing are undertaking.
But the 16th level, I know exactly what is contained. And I must share this with you. There is over a mile of security checks. It takes on average two days to pass security to reach this level, so that they have a room where you can sleep within the security checks. The security leads to a single room, now several kilometers below the earth. In this room there is a single bright red button, and above it a sign that reads "do not press under any circumstances ever". For my weapon in this battle, I choose that very sign.
A raccoon with rather large testicles somehow passes through all the security checks. Ignoring the sign, it smacks the red button with the aforementioned testes. (FART). All the creatures in the world fart collectively. The resultant mix of gases is obnoxious and deadly. The raccoon dies a smelly and slow death. Everything else dies too. The raccoon shouldn’t have ignored the sign.
Winner: Sign above red button.
A boxing kangaroo doped up on weed
versus...
User Kristy Haruka's 'Minge'.
Kristy Haruka’s minge wanted some. But boys avoided Kristy like the plague. She wasn’t easy even if she was dumb as shit. Kristy was full of illogical feminist propaganda and wanted to be the future president of the United States of America. No boy ever dared enter her panties. Her minge was getting angry.
One fine day, a boxing kangaroo, traversing the world in search of worthy opponents to fight, came across a very pretty young thing. Little did he know that she was the dreaded Kristy Haruka. Young Max ran upto the kangaroo to warn him about the impending danger, but the kangaroo was high (for that is how he fought so well). Max told him “you’re high right now. DO NOT approach Kristy.” To which the kangaroo replied “cloud is a towel”.
Kristy’s minge shouted from the nether “what the fuck you looking at kangaroo”. The kangaroo didn’t like this tone of voice. Being amazingly strong, the kangaroo punched Kristy in the crotch. But being a girl, Kristy was unaffected. She did however think it was rude and started bombarding the kangaroo about how he should be nice to girls and also about the ill effects of drugs. The kangaroo was so high, it all whizzed past him. Kristy got too tired and left to go get a pedicure. The kangaroo got the munchies and went with his buddy Doomsday to grab a burger.
Winner: Kangaroo
Snoop Doggy Dogg wearing the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
versus...
User Junior, having just consumed a CK sized portion of sugar.
Junior liked rap-music a lot. He also liked pop-music and also gospel music. His favourite was Snoop Doggy Dogg. He went to a concert once high on a rather large cup of sugar. On stage was Snoop Dogg. Wearing Joseph’s Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. And also a turban. What the fuck? A turban?
Junior thought he was seeing things. And he didn’t like what he was seeing. But what could young junior do? He tried sneaking in backstage, but wore himself out. His body had probably pumped too much insulin. Junior was carried home in a stretcher.
Winner: Snoop Dogg
SHOERIKEN. You know those ninja stars? This is the shoe version. First, you kick someone in the face, then a star flies out with blades on all sides, turning everyone into a dirty pile of blood. It can be programmed into three different modes: slices, pieces or invisible bits. After using it, please clean it before putting it back in your shoe. It has a rechargable battery that gets its energy out of walking with the shoe it's in.
versus...
Big Sausage Pizza.
A wild jynx appears!
The wild jynx eats Big Sausage Pizza.
Shoeriken wins!
Winner: Shoeriken
A scarecrow made of tin straws wearing a fur coat made of lion's mane hair, silver heels and emerald shades.
versus...
The Robot Mafia
The scarecrow walks down a dark alleyway where he is ambushed by robot mafia, hundreds of them, who are after the many valuables the scarecrow carries. Guess walking into dark alleyways alone is not a good idea.
Winner: Robot Mafia
A flask filled with potato vodka
versus...
A mystical maroon molecular-morphing monocle
Along came a moron wearing a mystical maroon molecular-morphing monocle. For he was such a moron that he didn't know the mysticality and the magic contained in the monocle. He stumbled upon a flask filled with potato vodka. He gulped it down. He got drunk. He fell on his ass and broke the monocle.
Winner: Flask of vodka.
User StrangerDanger with a working chainsaw for his right hand
versus...
E. Honda carrying a ghettoblaster and weilding a whip made out of barbed wire
AD 2015. The sport of sumo wrestling has evolved a lot in the past decade. It is now a virtual sport, where weapons are now allowed. The old rules still apply: you win if you push the opponent out of the circle. Only now, it doesn’t matter if they are dead or alive.
Onto our match. Today we haven the tenacious and recently shaved StrangerDanger pitted against a sumo legend Edmond Honda of Street Fighter. Honda sets down his Ghettoblaster which promptly starts playing the classic all-time favourite ‘Baby got back’. Seems like Honda likes big butts. Meanwhile, SD is not amused. He starts up his chainsaw hand and lets out a loud roar. No one can ignore that. It’s on. Honda braces himself as SD charges. SD swings his chainsaw at Honda’s neck but Honda is p. fast for a sumo wrestler. He easily ducks and replies with a Hundred Hand Slap, his special move which is even more effect as he has his barbed-wire whip around his hand. SD lets out a groan, but takes it like a man. SD prepares for a body slam. He connects. Honda is out of breath but not hurt. Angered, Honda unwinds his whip. A loud ‘snap’ and Honda has his whip around SD’s neck. He’s going to choke him out. But SD thinks fast and remembers that this is no-holds-barred. He knees Honda in the groin. Honda is knocked down. With the crowd cheering him on, SD cuts Honda in two and chucks him out of the ring.
Winner: StrangerDanger with a chainsaw-hand.
Blackheart's trenchantly lurid heart as it pumps calmly yet powerfully in the froth of battle with Dark Akuma to decide the fate of the world.
versus...
Gary Oak's girth
Gary Oak rolls over whatever the fuck the first thing is. You can’t ignore Gary Oak’s girth.
Winner: Gary Oak’s girth.
Ballsack-Fu as featured in the film Pom Poko performed by the man (or beast??) with the largest ballsack in the world.
versus...
A sign which says "Do not press under any circumstances ever", which is located above a single bright red button, hidden underground in a top secret research facility. (The user responsible for this submittal wrote a pretty amusing/eloquent text introducing his weapon, so I'd advise you to check it out as well)
Deep in the heart of the Arizona Desert, there is a small hut, known only to the most high ranking officials at the Pentagon. You see, this hut, really conceals the entrance to a top secret research facility.
This facility is deep underground, and can be only reached by a tunnel leading from the basement of the small inoccuous hut. This facility is where the American military develops its most deadly weapons. If the general public were to find out about the abominations created therein, it would be the most damaging military scandal in the history of this great nation (pretend I am american for a bit).
The facility consists of 16 levels, each one involved in experiments exponentially more horriffic than the last. I have only heard rumours of what goes on on the 3 topmost levels, but when I was first told I was unable to sleep for days, such was my shock. I assure you that you are happier not knowing even the little that I know of the sinister perversions of nature these monsters in scientists clothing are undertaking.
But the 16th level, I know exactly what is contained. And I must share this with you. There is over a mile of security checks. It takes on average two days to pass security to reach this level, so that they have a room where you can sleep within the security checks. The security leads to a single room, now several kilometers below the earth. In this room there is a single bright red button, and above it a sign that reads "do not press under any circumstances ever". For my weapon in this battle, I choose that very sign.
A raccoon with rather large testicles somehow passes through all the security checks. Ignoring the sign, it smacks the red button with the aforementioned testes. (FART). All the creatures in the world fart collectively. The resultant mix of gases is obnoxious and deadly. The raccoon dies a smelly and slow death. Everything else dies too. The raccoon shouldn’t have ignored the sign.
Winner: Sign above red button.
A boxing kangaroo doped up on weed
versus...
User Kristy Haruka's 'Minge'.
Kristy Haruka’s minge wanted some. But boys avoided Kristy like the plague. She wasn’t easy even if she was dumb as shit. Kristy was full of illogical feminist propaganda and wanted to be the future president of the United States of America. No boy ever dared enter her panties. Her minge was getting angry.
One fine day, a boxing kangaroo, traversing the world in search of worthy opponents to fight, came across a very pretty young thing. Little did he know that she was the dreaded Kristy Haruka. Young Max ran upto the kangaroo to warn him about the impending danger, but the kangaroo was high (for that is how he fought so well). Max told him “you’re high right now. DO NOT approach Kristy.” To which the kangaroo replied “cloud is a towel”.
Kristy’s minge shouted from the nether “what the fuck you looking at kangaroo”. The kangaroo didn’t like this tone of voice. Being amazingly strong, the kangaroo punched Kristy in the crotch. But being a girl, Kristy was unaffected. She did however think it was rude and started bombarding the kangaroo about how he should be nice to girls and also about the ill effects of drugs. The kangaroo was so high, it all whizzed past him. Kristy got too tired and left to go get a pedicure. The kangaroo got the munchies and went with his buddy Doomsday to grab a burger.
Winner: Kangaroo
Snoop Doggy Dogg wearing the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
versus...
User Junior, having just consumed a CK sized portion of sugar.
Junior liked rap-music a lot. He also liked pop-music and also gospel music. His favourite was Snoop Doggy Dogg. He went to a concert once high on a rather large cup of sugar. On stage was Snoop Dogg. Wearing Joseph’s Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. And also a turban. What the fuck? A turban?
Junior thought he was seeing things. And he didn’t like what he was seeing. But what could young junior do? He tried sneaking in backstage, but wore himself out. His body had probably pumped too much insulin. Junior was carried home in a stretcher.
Winner: Snoop Dogg
SHOERIKEN. You know those ninja stars? This is the shoe version. First, you kick someone in the face, then a star flies out with blades on all sides, turning everyone into a dirty pile of blood. It can be programmed into three different modes: slices, pieces or invisible bits. After using it, please clean it before putting it back in your shoe. It has a rechargable battery that gets its energy out of walking with the shoe it's in.
versus...
Big Sausage Pizza.
A wild jynx appears!
The wild jynx eats Big Sausage Pizza.
Shoeriken wins!
Winner: Shoeriken
A scarecrow made of tin straws wearing a fur coat made of lion's mane hair, silver heels and emerald shades.
versus...
The Robot Mafia
The scarecrow walks down a dark alleyway where he is ambushed by robot mafia, hundreds of them, who are after the many valuables the scarecrow carries. Guess walking into dark alleyways alone is not a good idea.
Winner: Robot Mafia