I've done a bit of lurking, and I really wish I could be more useful. Unfortunately, the slightest understanding of love is something that has eluded me for the longest time. But without further adieu, allow me to present the mess that was my love life.
I've only ever had one serious girlfriend in my life. From the moment I met her (through other friends in class), she and I just clicked, and got along great. Before I knew it, she and I were spending hours every day talking to each other online (we had met just before school let out). However, I wasn't immediately interested in her as a girlfriend, primarily because I already had one. Over that summer, however, that gf and I started having problems, which only made this girl more and more appealing to me. Come mid August, I had cut ties with the girl I was dating (due to non-other girl related issues entirely), and decided to go after my crush.
I work slow, but by late October she and I were together, and couldn't have been happier. If anything, we were a bit too into each other. We were largely known around the school as "that couple that's always making out in the halls". After about 7 months, we'd both lost our virginities to each other. However, our relationship wasn't purely physical; we still spent hours just about every day talking to each other either online or by phone. We didn't go on many dates due to a combination of her overbearing mother and my lack of experience/creativity in that area.
After a year and four months, she broke up with me, for the first time, out of the blue. I wasn't the perfect boyfriend and we didn't have the most perfect relationship, but everything seemed to be alright. She gave me some lame bullshit reason about wanting to be alone and how she never hung out with her friends because she would always rather spend her time with me. We continued to sleep together (as per her request, strangely enough), until I decided that I didn't want to do that to myself anymore; it was just too straining emotionally.
Now, I know her reason was lame bullshit because another two weeks later, she started dating another guy. He was one of her best friends, but I really didn't see it coming. After about two months of pretending she didn't exist, she contacted me via AIM. I was extremely bored this particular afternoon, so I decided to actually humor her with conversation and troll the crap out of her. She took it like a champ, and then proceeded to basically beg me to take her back (keep in mind she was still with her boyfriend). In retrospect, I had every reason not to take her back: she had left me for her best friend, lied to me about it, and now she was asking for me back while she was still with him, which is pretty messed up. Whether it was love or merely desire that made me act so stupid I'm not sure, but for whatever reason, I actually took her back, she broke up with the other guy the next day.
I always found her reasons for breaking up with him a bit hard to believe, but this could be my general lack of trust for her in general. She said that he "just didn't feel like a boyfriend" but rather just a friend. Also, she said that during their first time having sex together, immediately upon insertion she freaked, started crying and decided she wanted me back. Also, she said his penis was gross (because it was uncircumcised) and significantly smaller than mine, which I just equate to flattery.
As you can probably imagine, our relationship was never the same. I just couldn't bring myself to trust her. And of course, we'd gotten back together just in time to spend the summer together, the months that kill all but the strongest high school relationships. Admittedly, I was a bit of a jerk to her that summer. I suppose I felt justified because of what she'd done to me, and in a way I was, as she had agreed to take whatever punishment I dished out.
By the time school started, however, she'd had enough of it, just as I was starting to open up a bit again. During the last two months of our relationship, she was incredibly hostile for seemingly no reason (as by this time, while I was far from over our previous issue, I wasn't holding it against her much any more). She also accused me of being on top of her all the time, and not allowing her to be with her friends, even though she did plenty of extra curricular activities during which she was with her friend. Because of this, I felt rather entitled to her only free day during the schoolweek, Thursday. I didn't even bug her much on the weekends, which she often spent hanging out with her friends. Apparently, though, I was being far too clingy for wanting to be able to spend one day a week with my girlfriend. -_-
After about three weeks in a row of having our usual Thursday plans canceled because she had "something important to do with her friends", various arguments, and some particularly nasty things she'd said to me, I finally decided to end our relationship. Of course, she made it quite clear that she didn't really care about me at all, and that it didn't matter to her. After about three weeks of not speaking to each other, she finally decided to apologize to me, and of course, to ask for me back. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Shame on me, indeed, but it gets even worse. The day after I'd agreed to take her back, she'd decided to change her mind, and left me actually trying to convince her why we should be together.
After about three days of that nonsense (we had sex on the third day, if that's of any significance), I'd decided I was tired of it. About a week later, I asked out another girl (I was lonely, sue me). Upon finding out about this new girl, my ex gave me a ring and raged on me pretty hard, though I couldn't make much sense of it. She basically accused me of being insensitive of her feelings and a bunch of other silliness. Of course, my new relationship never really made it off the ground, and I've been left with no one ever since. In fact, the only girl who I talk to often is that ex from the very beginning of the story, who is seeing someone else, but supposedly has strong feelings for me, but that's a whole other story.
I'm still not really sure if I loved her or not. During the relationship I sure thought I did, especially during that first year and four months, but now I'm not so sure. I also feel that the way I wrote my story does little justice for our personal relationship. We spoke A LOT, and we couldn't have possibly stayed together based on our physically relationship alone for that long if only because we so seldom got to be with each other outside of school.
I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. I suppose I want pity; I eat that shit up. I really wish I could understand what happened and make better use of it in my future relationships, but my first real relationship has only served to make me even more confused about love.
