Divorce & marriage-breakups

Improbability

Improbability

Before I start, this isn't a firebot thread. No stupid posts. This is here so others who have had similar experiences can share them and ask for advice, where they may feel unable to in their everyday life.

Ok, so my parents are splitting up. Happens to a lot of us, but not all at the same age - I'm 15. Anyway, for a lack of better words: my dad was cheating on my mum. The worse part was, I had found out a few weeks before through some simple computer investigation. It was hard keeping a secret like that (what would anyone do?); fortunately i didn't have to for long as my mother found out on her own.
Personally, I'm not worried about the breakup and it affecting myself. I worry more for my mum, and the fact that she had spent almost half her life living what she now feels a waste. Later, I found out some of the shit my dad had done and said earlier in their marriage. This made me realize my greatest fear.
There was every chance that I could turn out exactly like my father. It makes me scared to think about future relationships and how I will be as a husband or boyfriend or father.
So I made a choice, and decided that no matter what, I would not let myself become anything like that, and would not make the same mistake my mother might have made.

Anyway, if you did read that, feel free to share your stories, and hopefully others can help out or give advice from their own personal experiences.
 
I remember when my dad used to roll him some joints when I was about 6-7 and he thought I didn't know what he was doing. I remember when he used to come home drunk as hell at 8 am in the morning before I left to school too. That doesn't mean I'm going to be the same. If anything, you will learn from him. You will learn not to be like him or do any of the shit he does to his loved ones.

I used to be in the same position as you and used to think exactly the same thing. In reality though, you're gonna choose.
 
Well my parents divorced when I was 15 as well, but it was a different circumstance. My father was not abusive, nor unfaithful, nor an alcoholic. I learned after the fact that my mom had simply been growing more unhappy over the years for various reasons. My dad is very frugal and a bit arrogant when it comes to his knowledge (because he's extremely smart), so I think those traits combined with other factors simply caused my mom to grow apart from him. My dad wanted to save the marriage, but my mom decided it wouldn't get better and they divorced. My parents were both mature and civilized with the process, and shared my younger sister and myself peacefully. We continued living with my dad, and visited mom whenever we wanted. My mom and my dad are still friends, and are now both remarried. Obviously I would have loved my parents to stay together, but this instance was perhaps the "best" way a divorce could have gone. Suffice it to say the situation could have been far worse.

In any case though, it has taught me something about marriage and relationships - divorce can happen even to smart and mature people. Divorce is not solely for immature people who can't handle commitment, even though it frequently is the result of that. This realization has made me even more keen to maintain my own commitment (I will be married in 2.5 months), and vow to live up to my promises no matter what. I refuse to be another one of that enormous divorce statistic.
 
My parents are also getting a divorce. Long story short, my dad abuses my mom.
Trying to sell the house at the moment, but no dice there. As soon as it sells, me and Mom are moving far away.

To be honest, I wouldn't care if my dad dropped dead.
 
Parents got divorced when I was around 14 as a result of a 20 year relationship of domestic violence. By the end of it I was sick of it and a divorce was the best thing for both of them.

I haven't seen my father since (around 4/5 years ago) and my mother has since been on antidepressants and been diagnosed with both post-traumatic stress disorder and clinical depression. Despite this, I'm sure everyone in the family would say this is the best way it could have gone.

Improbability said:
There was every chance that I could turn out exactly like my father. It makes me scared to think about future relationships and how I will be as a husband or boyfriend or father.
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Reading this part of your post really hits a note with me, I had this exact same thought a hell of a lot of the time during and after the separation. In short it comes down to a choice, I would never choose for any sort of relationship like what my family had before the divorce, so I'm sure you can make whatever choice you deem correct.
 
Nastyjungle said:
To be honest, I wouldn't care if my dad dropped dead.
Click to expand...

I understand your anger and frustration, because I feel the same way about men who abuse women. Also try to remember though that you only get one father, so do not forget him completely. His behavior might be absolutely detestable, but try to be the bigger man and not hold any grudges. You will be far happier in life if you can avoid harboring hatred, even after what he's done.
 
My parents divorced when I was 14 months old. It was a mutual break-up with no hard feelings on either side, and the two of them sat down and talked and worked things out like who would have custody of me and when.

I guess as far as parent divorces go, I got lucky.
 
Long story short, my dad's a psycho who abused me and my mom, which is why we moved all the way to Europe to get the fuck away from him. Problem is he had a pretty nasty influence on me and I find myself sometimes doing what he did (albeit not as vicious). I've gotten better with it though, and I think that if you make up your mind to not be like him, then you can. Its definitely not easy though...

Nastyjungle said:
To be honest, I wouldn't care if my dad dropped dead.
Click to expand...

if he actually goes and kills himself like mine did you won't feel this way anymore, trust me; i thought to myself 'he can go die for all i care' and then when he did i felt like shit.
 
My parents divorced before I was 2, I think. I only say that because my mother remarried in 1992 to my brother and sister's father.

I was too young to really be impacted by my parents' divorce, and when I learn anything new about it now, it's just from other family members telling me about it. Apparently though, my mother tried to move away to North Carolina or something, and my father had to take her to court in a custody battle to keep me in Indiana, where I live now. When I first learned of that I was kind of shocked, thinking about how my mother didn't even want to be fair with my father and still let him see me. They're on good terms, my father just maintains that my mother is kind of an idiot.

My mother divorced her second husband, my siblings' father Todd, in uhhhh, early 2000s? My brother was born 2001, and I think they divorced just a few years after that or something. I was in my early teen years then, so that is definitely more memorable. My then-step father was a total ass, though. He wasn't a very good parent at all, and after he signed on with the national guard (as respectable as that is I guess) he moved away, was suspected of cheating on my mother with a woman also in the national guard, and they got divorced some time in April one year. I especially felt bad about this for my siblings' sake: even though my father was also not married to my mother anymore, he was still around and gave a fuck about me. My little brother didn't get to have his daddy at his 1st birthday party, or any of them for that matter. I honestly cannot remember a single party where Todd was there to celebrate my brother's birthday. Dick.

WELP, now my mother is remarried for a 3rd time to Denny, and he's a pretty all right guy. He cares about Luke (brother) and Katie (sister) and fills the father figure role admirably. My own father just got remarried in 2009, and now my step mother is expecting a baby in April.

I deeefinitely hold a great deal of animosity towards Todd, and only hope for my brother's sake really (my sister is old enough now to accept that even though he is her father he is a huge asshole) that he remains a good influence in his life.
 
My parents were never married but separated when I was about to turn 5 years old; my mom initially had custody of me and my two younger sisters but my dad ended up with custody before I even started school (which is when I was 5, haha); I know logically the timeline of events but I can honestly say that memory-wise it's all very confusing. My dad is/was an abusive asshole to his significant other(s), it's pretty crazy that I have memories (only bits and pieces) of what happened in the months leading up to the separation and of the separation in general.

They do not get along at all (my dad has never been a mature person and my mom is very bitter about everything that happened), and their stories differ about what happened. I've never cared enough to make them sit down and work out their differences although I think my mom knows if I had to chose a side it would be my dads. It sucks, I sympathize with the battered wife, but my dad raised me, he was the one who went to all my games, he was the one who stayed up with me all night when I was sick, etc. He's the one who (despite his issues) has always been there for me. My mom made brief appearances in my life (every 2-3 years) and would take us on vacations to her place; we never wanted to go but our dad would make us, so it's really on him that as we've gotten older we've all gotten closer to her... otherwise I think we would have signed her out of her lives and moved on...

Umm, my dad's been with our "babysitter", haha (as he calls it), since I was 6 and a half or so (so heading onto 20 years). They have a very on-again off-again relationship and are both pretty abusive to each other. My sisters and I try to stay out of it as much as possible (they both try to throw us in each others faces), but we generally agree they would be better off separated and FAR AWAY from each other. It's never going to happen, they're crazy. It's kind of nice though because the older they get the less energy they have to fight, so usually they just argue, take a break, then get back together a week or so later.

All-in-all it's pretty messed up; my mom (Natalie) will not even go into the same town willingly with my dad, my dad is immature and makes jokes about both of my mothers, and my second mom spends a lot of time with her parents in Arizona. But, my sisters and I try to work around it as much as possible with family holidays... :)
 
This is an excellent thread with a lot of touching and disturbing stuff.

My parents divorced when I was 16 after a 22 year marriage. My dad worked the family business out here in 19 years, and life was well as far as I could tell. They had their squabbles or whatever but it seemed normal, especially compared to most of my friends' parents who were getting divorced left and right. After those 19 years my dad had a midlife crisis, decided that he hated being a manager and wanted to be a professional pilot since he had been flying since he was 14 years old. He absolutely loves his job and has been happy with it for 11 years, but it cost him his marriage. He would be gone for literally months at a time, then come back home for a week or so during off time. They grew apart and my dad was the one who wanted to end it; he refused to go to counseling since he had pretty much just given up on the marriage. At first I tried to justify it and often said I don't give a shit, as long as my mom was happy since she has had bouts of borderline depression throughout the years. But whether I wanted to believe it or not, I actually did give a shit and became jaded. He went and lived in various cities like Houston and Chicago depending on his domicile. I hardly ever see him, and when I do it's for one or two days max, then he's off. He was hardly there during high school, some of the most crucial developing points in anyone's life. Although he has moved back to southern california, it's about 1.5 hours from either my or my sister's houses, and he is still hardly here so it's impossible to make plans that fit his schedule. In the end, my mom became much happier and remarried 5 years ago. She loves her husband and, while I may not personally get along with the guy all the time, he demonstrates his love and respect for my mother through is words and actions, and I trust him like no one else with my mom's heart.

TL;DF'nR: The divorce was tough on me at first and my dad is still distant, but my mother is extremely happy and I have pretty much moved on.
 
My mom and dad divorced when I was 13 after they were married for basically 22 years (I have two older brothers, I'm the youngest in my family) in 2004. It was completely necessary though, because although there wasn't any physical abuse, they both made each other feel miserable. Honestly, near the end of the marriage, literally every conversation they had was a fight about money or something.

It's sad how money is something that can give people such happiness, but it also has the ability to take it away.

The divorce didn't make me depressed or anything, because I knew it was coming from a mile away...I think my brothers knew too. I didn't cry once either. I thought it was kind of weird, but I lost the ability to cry about anything after that divorce. I don't really know how to explain it, but that's what happened. It did take me a long time to completely forgive both of my parents, especially my dad. But now that I'm in university, I've actually been able to have that time away from them, and I feel like I've fully forgiven them now, and we're able to communicate like parent and son though.

I still remember the first time my brothers and I went out for lunch with my dad after the divorce (my mom has custody). It was awkward as hell. But now that I'm all grown up, I know that it felt that way for him too, and I can finally see things from his point of view too. Now our lunches are actually quite good together.

After the divorce happened, I was mostly concerned for my mom, because she didn't take it very well. But she started to heal, and she knows now that it was completely necessary and that her life is much better now.

I find that a lot of times with divorce, a lot of children feel that it's partially their fault that their parents are getting divorced. It really isn't though. This is something between the two parents, and most of the time, both parents will always love their children, whether they live with them or not.
 
Mine never even married, and they split up when I was 8. I guess thats basically the worst of it, compared to some of the posts I've read above I think I can safely assume it wasn't amazingly horrible.
 
Parents divorced when I was 8, but this was hardly a huge change for me as for as long as I can remember they didn't even share a room and argued often. Overall I'm pretty lucky I suppose in that both are mature people, they both sat down and figured out a schedule, etc.

Also I know that divorce can really bother some people, but again I suppose I'm just lucky in that I was never worried about it being my fault or anything like that, just accepted it and kept living.
 
WaterBomb said:
I understand your anger and frustration, because I feel the same way about men who abuse women. Also try to remember though that you only get one father, so do not forget him completely.
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Long story short: My dad's father cheated on my dad's mother, they divorced, when my dad learned everything he stopped talking to his father. Around 10 years later, (5 years after my dad's mother died,) that estranged cheating father was lying on his deathbed with cancer, he only had about 2 weeks to live. My dad flew down to see him, and I've never once heard him mention what happened in that short visit. So I don't know how my dad felt about it, but it's heart-breaking to me. Grudges get you nowhere in life, don't keep them.

On a more personal note in response to the OP, I of course wasn't married but the first relationship I had lasted 18 months and I thought it was great. Only after it all went to Hell did I realize all that was wrong and how it was practically doomed from the start. It killed me either way, but I'm definitely not giving up on long-term relationships. Those things have a way of being the best and worst things to happen to a person
 
My parents divorced when I was about 4. I don't remember much of them being together except they would always fight, but of course bad memories stick out easier than good ones.

I think the divorce was of equal fault to both of them, my mom is very manipulative and stubborn, the type that can turn herself into the victim no matter the situation. And my dad had at the time (still does but it's been suppressed a lot) a very short temper. He used to bottle up all of his feelings and then unleash them in an instant, and he often reminds me to not keep feelings inside. He's happily remarried and has 4 other sons with his wife, and he's really learned to not let his anger get the best of him, a lot of credit for that belongs to Aime, my step-mom.

My mother won custody of me and my older brother (from a different father). My mom had my brother when she was 17 so she was forced to grow up very quickly and because of this, I think anyway, is the reason that she still parties like a 20 year old when she is almost 41.

I think I would've had a much better relationship with my father had he won custody. It's not as if we have a bad relationship, we just aren't very close and don't have too many common grounds. He grew up in rural New York with horses and has always been a mechanic while I grew up in California as a sports fanatic.

I am glad that I lived with my mom growing up though because, now this may sound spiteful, she showed me how not to be a parent. She wasn't physically abusive (mainly because the last time she tried to hit me, around 6th grade, I was bigger and stronger than her and literally didn't let her hit me), but she was always very manipulative and verbally abusive. It wasn't just my "teenage angst" showing through either because my older brother (4 years my senior) and I are polar opposites in terms of personality and the fact that my mother was constantly in conflict with either me or him leads me to believe that she was the common denominator in the equation.

Her relationship with my older brother is much better now that he is 22 and they're drinking buddies. Me and her will never have that type of bond because I have made the personal choice not to partake in alcoholic beverages.

During the break between my graduation and first semester of college was the worst it had been since my sophomore year of high school which was probably the lowest of our relationship. She began demanding rent money from me, which would've been fine had I had a job, but there were literally no jobs available. If you don't believe me, try to find a job in Merced, California. Good luck.

Demanding money from me wasn't the worst part though, she claimed not to have any money, constantly claiming to be broke. Yet, she could still keep the house full of alcohol and she always managed to have enough cash to get her hair and nails done. I even gave her money for my end of the phone bill and enough to pay for hers too, since she hadn't done so for this particular month. She took the money, turned my phone off and went and got herself a massage. And she always told me to move in with my dad if I didn't like living with her, I knew she didn't really want that but I called her bluff and one day she went out to the bar and came home to find that I wasn't there. I've been living with my dad ever since and things are much better. I still don't talk to my mom very much even though she lives just a few blocks away now.

This post caught a little TL;DR syndrome it seems, but yeah that's my divorce experience/mom problems.
 
If the home is better off without your father, consider this a blessing. You have a rare chance to learn from your father's mistakes and be a better person in life. My parents divorced just 3 years ago, and I have come to accept it to the point of it just being another in a long series of events that is my life. The world is not over, and now you know how not to act, a lesson that would've taken you one or more bad relationships to learn. It's tough, but you can move on in the end.
 
My parents divorced when I was in fifth or sixth grade.
My father was never really there for my sister and I.
I've never held open animosity for him and we have an okay relationship, but I'm generally not too fond of the guy.
He's been a complete ass to my mother/in general for as long as I can remember and he's got some serious issues he needs to work out, but as far as I can tell, he's never been physically abusive.
All in all, I think that although I didn't grow-up as financially well-off as I would have had my parents stayed married for some reason, I feel that observing and learning from the mistakes/weaknesses of my parents has helped me turn-out pretty well.
 
my parents are divorced. my mom cheated on my dad (with my PE teacher) i saw it but never said anything. thats pretty much it. i was 10.
 
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