why did the baker have brown hands

I came in here hoping for a racist joke. Instead, I get this shit. Fuck you, monkfish, and fuck your thread.

So there's this old guy driving between cities and he stops off at a diner along the way to get something to eat. He walks in and looks at the menu, it says:

Pop $1
Hamburger $2
Cheeseburger $3
Chicken Burger $3.50
Handjob $50

So he looks over at the bar and the lady behind it is pretty cute. He walks up and flags her down. She walks over and says, "Hi, what can I get you?"

"Are you the one that does the handjobs?" the old man says, shyly.

"Yeah, why?" she says, smiling at him.

So the old man looks at her and says, "Well wash your fucking hands, bitch, I want a cheeseburger."
 
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.
 
One day, an Indian (Native American) boy came to his dad and asked, "Why are everyone's names so different? How do we get our names?" The dad said "Well, son, when my mother came out of the tepee after she gave birth to me, the first thing she saw was a wolf crying at the moon. That is why my name is Howling Wolf. When your mother's mother came out of her tepee, the first thing she saw was a stream. That is why your mother is named Flowing River."

"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
 
ramblinwreck...

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A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding a while, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come." The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I don't see anything, how do you know buffalo come?" The Indian replies, "Ear sticky."
 
Have you ever heard of the silent H? The silent H is EVERYWHERE, tell me you hear an H in Ghandi, or herbs. Well, in ages long ago the Vikings used the silent H, except it wasn't silent. One day two vikings were talking
Viking One: Hey, come look at thhhis chahair I mhade.
Viking Two: It lohoks nhince, I thhink I'll shhit on it.

After the fighting the Vikings decided to make the H silent, and it has been that way ever since.
 
An army captain was assigned to a desert post in the Middle East. While one of the sergeants was showing him around the post, the captain noticed a few camels tied to a post. "What are those camels for?", he asked. The sergeant replied, "They're there for when the men want to have sex". "Sergeant, that is absolutely disgusting. Get rid of those camels immediately." "Yes sir."

One month later, the captain started to get some serious urges. He asked the sergeant, "Where did you take those camels?". They then drove to a nearby Bedouin tribe who took the camels. The captain proceeded to have wild sex with one of the camels. When driving back, the captain asked the sergeant, "Do the men like to have sex with the camels?". "I dunno, they usually ride them into town where all the girls are".
 
This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
 
What did Proffesor of Geology Geodude tell his student Kabuto when he almost arrived late for class at Rock Academy?

"You're Rhydon time!"
 
(warning: literally translated from dutch, might be a bit less funny, idk)
One day, Tom's teacher asks: Hey tom, do you actually know the alphabet? "No I don't" "Ok, so ask for the first four letters of the alphabet at home, will you?" the teacher said.

When Tom came home, his mom was ironing, and she hadn't noticed Tom coming in. "Mom, what is the first letter of the alphabet?" Tom's mom was shocked, and she let the iron fall on her hand "Shit!" she screamed. "Ok, thanks mom" Tom said as he walked off

Tom's father was watching a soccer match, and just as Tom asked: "What is the second letter of the alphabet, dad?" a goal was scored. "Olé, oleoleole!" his dad said "Ok, thanks dad" tom said as he walked off.

Upstairs, Tom's sister was playing with some Barbie dolls. "What is the third letter of the alphabet?" Tom asked her "The barbie club, the barbie club" she said, not noticing tom at all. "ok thanks sis" tom said as he walked off.

Tom's brother was playing with a Superman doll while tom asked "What is the fourth letter of the alphabet?" Again, tom was not noticed, and his brother only said: "SUPERMAN!!!!"

The next day....

"So Tom, do you know the first four letters of the alphabet?" the teacher asked. "Shit!" Tom said. Hey, don't be so rude, go and stand in the corner, now! "Olé, oleoleole!" Tom said. Huh, wait, where did you get that from? "The barbie club, the barbie club!" tom said. Who do you even think you are? "SUPERMAN!!!!"

This joke was told to me when I was very young (I can't remember, about 7 years old, i guess), and it has been my favourite ever since, don't ask me why.

This joke is made more funny when you can actually tell it to someone and add some accents to the voices.

So a famer is spraying a strange blue liquid on one of his fields when some guy on a bike comes along. "Hey, what's that liquid and why are you spraying it?" he asks out of curiousity. "It keeps them elephants out, yknow" "But... there are no elephants here...?" "Yeah, this stuff works pretty well eh"

It's a really stupid one, I know:
Two idiots are sitting on a bench. One asks the other: "Hey, can you see the forest somewhere?" "Nah, there are too much trees here to see anything"
 
hi guys i'm flounder and i'm going to do my best to make you hate yourself for finding these puns humorous

A bicycle cannot stand on its own; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a rotting peach.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A- flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
f you jump off a Paris bridge you're in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

and here are some jokes

An engineer is working at his desk in his office. His cigarette falls off the desk into the wastebasket, causing the papers within to burst into flames. The engineer looks around, sees a fire extinguisher, grabs it, puts out the flames, and goes back to work.
A physicist is working at his desk in another office and the same thing happens. He looks at the fire, looks at the fire extinguisher, and thinks "Fire requires fuel plus oxygen plus heat. The fire extinguisher will remove both the oxygen and the heat in the wastebasket. Ergo, no fire." He grabs the extinguisher, puts out the flames, and goes back to work.
A mathematician is working at his desk in another office and the same thing happens. He looks at the fire, looks at the fire extinguisher, and thinks for a minute, says "Ah! A solution exists!" and goes back to work.

A mathematician and an engineer are sitting at a table drinking when a very beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the bar.
The mathematician sighs. "I'd like to talk to her, but first I have to cover half the distance between where we are and where she is, then half of the distance that remains, then half of that distance, and so on. The series is infinite. There'll always be some finite distance between us."
The engineer gets up and starts walking. "Ah, well, I figure I can get close enough for all practical purposes."

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are riding a train through Scotland.
The engineer looks out the window, sees a black sheep, and exclaims, "Hey! They've got black sheep in Scotland!"
The physicist looks out the window and corrects the engineer, "Strictly speaking, all we know is that there's at least one black sheep in Scotland."
The mathematician looks out the window and corrects the physicist, " Strictly speaking, all we know is that is that at least one side of one sheep is black in Scotland."

A physicist and an engineer are in a hot-air balloon. They've been drifting for hours, and have no idea where they are. They see another person in a balloon, and call out to her: "Hey, where are we?" She replies, "You're in a balloon," and drifts off again. The engineer says to the physicist, "That person was obviously a mathematician." The physicist replies, "How do you know that?" "Because what she said was completely true, but utterly useless."

also
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
 
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. The first muffin turns to the other and says, "Phew! Is it hot in here or is it just me?" The second muffin responds, "HOLY DAMMIT CHRISTMAS A TALKING MUFFIN"

What is big, red, and crushes rocks?
A big, red, rock crusher.

What did the mime say to the pope?
­

What did Pac-man say to the hobo?
Wakawakawakawaka
 
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