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Serious Relationships and Sex Ed Thread
- Thread starter Gabe
- Start date
don't you want to find out if your name is actually tattooed on his ass
Except on Reddit.
Yeah, I disagree with this for the exact reason kittenmay brought up.
Also, elcheeso has a point in that "not everyone feels the same way about sex in terms of intimacy"; and if you're to involve yourself with a partner that sees eye-to-eye with you on this, what's to stop a fwb relationship from being successful?
I said "virtually never works", meaning of course there are isolated cases where it has worked. However, if you have sex with the same person long enough someone is going to develop feelings. Sex is far too exposing and intimate to keep emotions out of it indefinitely, and I have an extremely hard time believing people can legitimately do it. I WANT to understand the opposing opinions on this one, but I am really struggling with it. I've been having sex for many, many years and it just doesn't compute in my head. Sorry if I come across as "obnoxious".
EDIT: Deleted last line because Pernicious is right, I was being too condescending. My apologies, I'm in a rotten mood today.
EDIT2: Next time I have the worst day ever, I'm not even coming on here. Posting angry never ends well :x
EDIT: Deleted last line because Pernicious is right, I was being too condescending. My apologies, I'm in a rotten mood today.
EDIT2: Next time I have the worst day ever, I'm not even coming on here. Posting angry never ends well :x
i'm a teenager, but i've personally never found that any friendship can survive one person "liking" the other. everything is very saturated with sex; it seems that there's no such thing as "just" a friendship, and friendships that are just that can't survive one person being too emotionally invested in the other. so meaningless sex, completely platonic friendship, or one on one relationships basically, which are incredibly rare amongst teenagers.
Again, sorry, but you're only seeing your point. Some people do not feel that sex has any emotional relationship at all. Like I said earlier, I don't find sexual activities "exposing and intimate" in the sense that they make me care for people. Its a purely animalistic satisfaction. If you want to raise it about that, kudos to you. But not everyone does, and I'd appreciate it if you weren't obnoxious about people not having the same views as you.
I am the exact same way. Perhaps I am just cold, but I have never had a problem with hooking up with friends and then letting go A .hand full of the people I have slept with are my friends. We remain friends. Of course I do not really view sex, unless it is with someone you love as 'intimate.' I see it as two bodies being forced together to feel some sort of pleasure.
That is what one would call dysfunctional sex.
(which isn't safe and leads to unhealthy habits when you reach adulthood)
Obviously you're the sex expert iDunno. Or maybe for some of us, sex isn't inherently intimate and it completely depends on how you feel about the other person? I mean come on guys. I don't think anyone is suggesting that the sex they have is passionless, just that it doesn't have any special meaning when done with someone you're "just friends" with, just like any other activity. For me, going out to dinner with my boyfriend is far more special than doing the same thing with a friend... and it's the same deal with sex. Not really that hard to understand, I think, unless you're saying that seeing people naked is inherently linked to falling for them.
Do you guys think that open relationships are inherently dysfunctional and doomed to fail, then?
for the most part, yes
Ok, I can rationalize your train of thought based on a good number of fwb relationships I've personally seen fail thanks to "someone developing feelings." True, that is bound to happen in some of those relationships, but i assume you believe that this applies to the vast majority of fwb setups...which is where I disagree.
I find that I have personally become very good at gauging and controlling my emotions in fwb-type relationships thanks to failing countless times at doing just that; and I'm pretty sure there are others out there that are just as capable of doing this, possibly even better at it. It may sound "illogical" to be able to "gauge" something intangible like your emotions, but it's not something I feel I can break down "scientifically" or whatever so you can understand in detail just how I'm capable of doing that. We'll just have to stick to our own beliefs for now I guess.
Well, I guess it's time to let my presence known...
"Friends with Benefits" typically doesn't work, at least from what I've seen. For example, I knew this guy and this girl who were in one of those types of relationships, but then the guy started dating another girl, which ended the relationship with the first girl. Initially, the first girl was fine, but soon after she became jealous. I can't really remember the details after that, but it ended with a cat fight in a Hardee's parking lot and it ruined their friendship.
If two people can be mature about, it can work, but from what I hear from friends and the relationships I witness, it normally isn't a good ideal.
Also, don't be too hard on Waterbomb, he's married after all.
"Friends with Benefits" typically doesn't work, at least from what I've seen. For example, I knew this guy and this girl who were in one of those types of relationships, but then the guy started dating another girl, which ended the relationship with the first girl. Initially, the first girl was fine, but soon after she became jealous. I can't really remember the details after that, but it ended with a cat fight in a Hardee's parking lot and it ruined their friendship.
If two people can be mature about, it can work, but from what I hear from friends and the relationships I witness, it normally isn't a good ideal.
Also, don't be too hard on Waterbomb, he's married after all.
my problem with open relationships is that each person kind of has their own idea of what's permissible and what is not, and unless the two (at the beginning?) parties explicitly decide what they can accept and what they cannot, it's not going to last very long. I have a friend that is really into open relationships, clinging to the idea that you simply enjoy a person when you're with them, and what they do when you're not with them is none of your business. simple enough, but it will eventually eat away at someone just exactly what it is their OR partner is doing elsewhere with someone else. on average, at least.
the fact that the idea of "open relationship" has the term relationship in it would suggest that eventually feelings are going to get involved, and even if you're okay sharing your partner's body, i don't think most people are okay with giving their heart and emotions to someone just so that someone can muddle it with the heart and emotions of someone else.
the fact that the idea of "open relationship" has the term relationship in it would suggest that eventually feelings are going to get involved, and even if you're okay sharing your partner's body, i don't think most people are okay with giving their heart and emotions to someone just so that someone can muddle it with the heart and emotions of someone else.
hey kids, i'm poly, i'll answer all your weird questions!
any couple that doesn't explicitly talk about this and set boundaries, especially before either have a partner in mind, is asking for trouble, but open / poly deals are totally possible if everyone is on the same page. i just don't see anything about my feelings for a partner being affected by her feelings for someone other than me - they're completely separate and discrete.
it's not like there's a finite amount of Love Points each partner can give out!
any couple that doesn't explicitly talk about this and set boundaries, especially before either have a partner in mind, is asking for trouble, but open / poly deals are totally possible if everyone is on the same page. i just don't see anything about my feelings for a partner being affected by her feelings for someone other than me - they're completely separate and discrete.
it's not like there's a finite amount of Love Points each partner can give out!
It's kind of important to note that open isn't necessarily poly, though cim is completely right about needing to set boundaries with both. You DON'T get into these relationships without discussing limits with your partner/s, sort of like how you have to communicate limits in a monogamous relationship re: sex and all that other good shit.
That being said, in my experience, open tends to imply emotionally monogamous but sexually non-monogamous (basically swingers)... and poly is where you develop emotional and sexual relationships with more than one person. Usually.
Obviously being open or poly isn't for everyone considering we're all pretty heavily socialised to be monogamous and both possessive and jealous of the people we're dating (and both the latter qualities are toxic in those sorts of relationships), but it's a little insulting to suggest that they're less likely to work out because you couldn't see yourself doing it. I've been in an open relationship for nearly 19 years now (sup old) and could never see myself going poly because I don't see how I could bring myself to fall for someone else, but there's no need for me to make up my own narrative about how poly shit is going to play out based on how I feel.
I just think adults can be trusted to communicate how they feel about these sorts of things with their partner/s... and if they can't, why on earth would they be in a relationship in the first place?
/off soapbox
That being said, in my experience, open tends to imply emotionally monogamous but sexually non-monogamous (basically swingers)... and poly is where you develop emotional and sexual relationships with more than one person. Usually.
Obviously being open or poly isn't for everyone considering we're all pretty heavily socialised to be monogamous and both possessive and jealous of the people we're dating (and both the latter qualities are toxic in those sorts of relationships), but it's a little insulting to suggest that they're less likely to work out because you couldn't see yourself doing it. I've been in an open relationship for nearly 19 years now (sup old) and could never see myself going poly because I don't see how I could bring myself to fall for someone else, but there's no need for me to make up my own narrative about how poly shit is going to play out based on how I feel.
I just think adults can be trusted to communicate how they feel about these sorts of things with their partner/s... and if they can't, why on earth would they be in a relationship in the first place?
/off soapbox
my best friend was in an open relationship with his now wife and it happened to work out just fine for them (given that they're now married). Neither of them ever had sex with anyone else although I think they would've been fine with it given what they've told me. That is a really special case, as I've never seen it work with any other relationship except for that one.
So do I think it can work? I would have to say yes given that I've seen it work personally. I have seen it fail every other anecdotal time I've known people who were in open relationships, so I'd say anecdotally that in general open relationships are likely to fail, and yours is likely going to follow the rule, not the exception.
So do I think it can work? I would have to say yes given that I've seen it work personally. I have seen it fail every other anecdotal time I've known people who were in open relationships, so I'd say anecdotally that in general open relationships are likely to fail, and yours is likely going to follow the rule, not the exception.
Guess I'd better start dismantling my relationship that's been around longer than most people in this thread have been alive, then. Ha.
Seriously though, I don't think that's an open relationship thing. It's a "most relationships are going to fail before you find one that succeeds" thing, alongside open relationships being far less common. You don't really see people marrying or staying with the first person they dated in high school, for example... at least not often.
I guess maybe there's something to say about people getting into these relationships without really understanding how to handle them (since we have certain expectations about how relationships are "supposed" to be), or getting pressured into it... but I have my doubts that those are the majority and that the same stupid bullshit issues that break up monogamous people aren't also responsible for most open relationships failing.
How do you overcome jealousy?
Was this a question directed at all of us because you need help with it? Or were you questioning someone else's comments?
for me jealousy is a sign of other problems in the relationship bubbling up in the form of possessiveness. if i'm feeling jealous something is very wrong! otherwise it's not really an issue for me. i'm really secure in terms of the relationship and her commitment. poly takes more commitment than monogamy.
i still say we're poly even though we're both involved in mostly sexual side relationships rather than emotional right now. that could change though!
Echoing what chris is me said, jealousy is an indicator of underlying issues in a relationship. More specifically, jealousy surfaces when there are trust issues. A healthy relationship is built on implicit trust between the people involved, and thus will be devoid of jealousy. Jealousy is, unfortunately, a more common problem because of course many relationships are not healthy. Even many marriages suffer from this issue, because trust issues were not resolved before they tied the knot.
Now, I am not saying that healthy relationships do not carry their own challenges, because they do. I am saying, however, that jealousy and mistrust should NEVER be one of those challenges. If you find yourself (or your partner) experiencing jealousy, you need to either resolve the underlying trust issue or end the relationship. It sounds harsh, but it really is the healthiest thing for both parties in the long run. Unhealthy relationships are all too often dragged out long after they have gone south, resulting in a great deal more pain and bitterness than would otherwise have been experienced had it ended at the right time. I guess this comes from people's natural tendency to shy away from conflict and confrontation, and desire to spare feelings rather than "rip the bandaid off" in a manner of speaking.
Now, I am not saying that healthy relationships do not carry their own challenges, because they do. I am saying, however, that jealousy and mistrust should NEVER be one of those challenges. If you find yourself (or your partner) experiencing jealousy, you need to either resolve the underlying trust issue or end the relationship. It sounds harsh, but it really is the healthiest thing for both parties in the long run. Unhealthy relationships are all too often dragged out long after they have gone south, resulting in a great deal more pain and bitterness than would otherwise have been experienced had it ended at the right time. I guess this comes from people's natural tendency to shy away from conflict and confrontation, and desire to spare feelings rather than "rip the bandaid off" in a manner of speaking.
i can understand jealousy, but i can't really empathize with it. for me, there's never any logic or gain to feeling jealous. if someone is dating me, then at one point all they wanted was me, and until proven otherwise i continue to believe that sentiment. i never worry about my partner cheating or anything because if they were to do so, then i would be better off without them! it would still sting and make me sad, but it wouldn't make me feel inadequate, like they cheated because of something i did wrong. i love myself and value myself highly as relationship material, and if i'm lucky enough to find someone i value just as much, then i'm happy as a clam~
jealousy is probably the least attractive trait a person can exhibit, relationship-wise. i used to date a guy that would be jealous not because of anything i was doing, but because he "knew what other guys were thinking when they looked at me," claiming to know such a fact especially because he used to be "one of those guys." as if that was reassuring!!
jealousy is probably the least attractive trait a person can exhibit, relationship-wise. i used to date a guy that would be jealous not because of anything i was doing, but because he "knew what other guys were thinking when they looked at me," claiming to know such a fact especially because he used to be "one of those guys." as if that was reassuring!!
i think everyone would agree with you that jealousy is not at all inherent to relationships, but said realm is where we're talking about jealousy raising its ugly head, no?
jealousy is a personality trait just as much as anything else, and i agree that it's not only in relationships that someone exposes that aspect of themselves most poignantly, but it might be in relationships where it can be the most destructive, at least condensed to two people.
jealousy is a personality trait just as much as anything else, and i agree that it's not only in relationships that someone exposes that aspect of themselves most poignantly, but it might be in relationships where it can be the most destructive, at least condensed to two people.