Serious Relationships and Sex Ed Thread

If you have a partner and are feeling that alone, that means your partner isn't giving you everything you need to be happy. Can you pinpoint exactly what it is you feel is missing from the relationship? If you're able to figure it out, you can talk to him about it and see how both of you can work toward filling that chasm.
 
DM said it perfectly in 3 sentences. From experience I'm sure the honesty will mean a lot to them. And having a trusted counsellor really helps if you feel your depression can affect your life to that extent.

Don't forget how cute you guys are together :3
 
I understand what you mean by feeling alone despite being with people. At home I don't really have any meaningful connections with anyone. If I simply had a bad day there's really nobody to talk to about it. When in need of emotional support I have to find my close long term friends and speak with them.

What I'm saying is, if you're near a person often but don't have any level of intimacy you will feel alone. Intimacy being the ability to confide in someone and be comforted. Loneliness is that feeling we get when we aren't meaningfully connecting with people. Look at why you are depressed, and what that means you need right now in life. Can he meet that need? Is it fair to ask for him to do so? What can you do to allow him to do that for you?
 
Phantasia said:
for an unusually bitter post from me;

lately i feel like im gonna let my depression ruin my relationship. i dont know if im willing to lose him or its that i think that way because of my mental wellbeing.

i never thought one could have a partner and still feel this lonely
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tl;dr: Don't worry yourself to death, have a talk about each other's needs

Speaking as someone who has been suffering from depression for years, what's worked for me is being upfront with my issues. In fact, my boyfriend is my complete emotional opposite, being an optimist "ray of sunshine" type of guy but completely unable to take cues. My boyfriend used to be...insensitive whenever I was in my brooding moods and got irritated because I always appeared to be sad. Several of his friends grew to intensely dislike me because of my outbursts of emotion leading to embarrassing situations. I explained my feelings and what was causing them (stemmed from a turbulent childhood) and that being apathetic and confrontational only makes it worse. If the other person in your relationship is not prepared to support you or being able to handle a relationship with someone who has additional emotional needs, the relationship is not going to work for either party involved. It's an unfortunate fact that depression may sometimes be extra baggage that the other person can't handle for whatever reason and it's not fair to you to be with someone who cannot meet your emotional needs. This is the ultimatum I gave to my boyfriend and things have vastly improved. I would recommend having an upfront dialogue about it. I don't know what the logistics of your condition is, but talk about what (if any) triggers there are, what your needs are (do you need comfort? do you need to be left alone? etc), and whether that person is prepared to accept that. It may not end the way you want, but again, if the other person cannot handle it then remember that it is better for you to stay away from that person.

For your part, do as much as you can to resist the thoughts that no one cares about you, because openly moping about them will do more harm than good. Don't worry yourself or outwardly go, "oh no me being sad will ruin everything" because more often than not, that worrying will ruin things. It does bother people who truly do care about you when you go "no one loves/cares about me" because they feel their efforts to help you are completely invalidated and may not try to help you in the future (worst case scenario, they might think you're an attention seeker, I fucking hate people who feel that way about people with depression). If your SO is prepared to stay with you, remember what you discussed and they are there to support you. Talking about things can give you second party insights that may help you feel better. Coming from a turbulent home life, just having that support and knowing someone is there for me improved nearly every situation. I know it's difficult to resist those thoughts but from experience worrying about ruining your relationship with people just makes things worse because it's often untrue if that person truly cares.
 
Does anyone here have any experience, and advice about how to handle, being in a relationship with someone with extreme social anxiety?
 
Perfect Cell said:
How extreme? As in he/she won't go out in public/talk to new people/ect?
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I don't have much knowledge of degrees of social anxiety, but she dislikes large groups (more than three or four), doesn't like talking to new people, and her description of things is essentially that she is constantly uncomfortable going through the day, just from being around people, and it is an effort of will to make it through a day without having an emotional breakdown.
 
I used to have quite the social anxiety. Like, wouldn't ask an employee where to find something and wander for 20 minutes type. For me this personally came from just not having many friends growing up, and even today having too many people around can set me on edge.

If you've ever been out with her, you've probably noticed that you have to talk for her often and just generally relieve a lot of the stress of interacting with people. I'm all too familiar with the situation where there's a three person conversation but one only speaks with the person they are already comfortable with.

Whenever I'm out with my friend who is like this, we mostly just keep to ourselves. Go and see sights, order food and eat while walking, watch movies, etc. For the most part you can try keeping it so outings are consist of fairly tame events, though I personally think you should start trying to help her out of this. Social interaction is a necessary skill, and not being able to exercise it can only hold you back in life. An easy way to start would be hanging out in groups more regularly. Do four people until she is comfortable with that, and then eventually try five. It's all about baby steps and slowly acclimating, especially with how you described her fragile condition. If you do opt to try helping her open up though, understand it is a long, long process that can be measured on the order of years.
 
SoulMuse said:
I don't have much knowledge of degrees of social anxiety, but she dislikes large groups (more than three or four), doesn't like talking to new people, and her description of things is essentially that she is constantly uncomfortable going through the day, just from being around people, and it is an effort of will to make it through a day without having an emotional breakdown.
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Aren't there ways to get counseling for things like this? I mean, if she's that uncomfortable dealing with people in general, she's going to have a pretty miserable life. If you're interested in trying to help her yourself, I would suggest first doing a lot of research on methods of treating social anxiety so you know how you can make things better for her. Chaoswalker's suggestion sounds pretty effective as well.

At this point you need to make a decision about your future. This is not an issue that will be fixed in a short time, so if you commit to it you should be prepared to spend months and even years working on it with her. You also should be prepared for your efforts failing and her condition remaining the same for the rest of her life.

I know it sounds harsh, but if you are not prepared to commit to both of these scenarios then you need to end the relationship as soon as possible. If you lack the patience or dedication to deal with this situation for the rest of your life, don't make any promises you can't keep. This girl needs a person who has the drive to encourage her and push her to achieve the change she needs, yet simultaneously has the grace to embrace her for exactly who she is right now. Make sure you're up to that task before you continue this relationship.
 
Well said, WB. I was in a relationship that was very similar in that she had issues that I was helping her work through. Unfortunately, after a while, I was consistently miserable and I had to end it for my own sake. The break-up basically ruined her. If you're not in it for the long haul, get out now.
 
WB Ma dude!

Okay Smogon. So this is what's going on right now. I'm soon to be a Father. My girlfriend is 19 and still in College. She's 5 months in so far, and everything is coming well in her pregnancy. And i'm doing what i have to do to provide for her and be ready to bring My Son into this World...But this is the problem...

Her Family doesn't like me. I've been with her for 3 years now, and ever since Day-1 she's had very very strict Parents. Something that was beyond our control, but for wanting to settle and commit, i went by their ways, and never argued with any of them about it. I've given my Girl, EVERYTHING! she's asked for, from the Materials, the Affection, Respect. I have strongly dedicated these 3 years to her...But her Family right now, they hate me. They blame me for getting her pregnant. They don't really give her the chance to let her see me, there-for, I haven't spent as much time with THE BELLY! OF MY SON, and My Girl. She's already 5 Months in, as i said. Everybody knows since November, and till this day, their Family hasn't spoken to me about anything. They haven't gave me the chance to, kinda make things right for the sake of My Son and Girl. I work 2 Jobs right now. I'm literally busting my ass, just to be ready for the Baby's things, Babyshower, the whole 9 yards. But right now, her Family isn't trying to have me around, like me not being around right now is suppose to help her and the Pregnancy. And she isn't very good at talking to them about these issues, as her Baby Father, is like she doesn't take that extra effort to back me up just enough for them to cut their Bullshit ignorance. Because it's been 5 Months already, and if i've seen my girl 7 8 times, since October when we found out she got Pregnant, that's the most i've seen her...I'm trying hard not to erupt and do something that might backfire on me...So Smogon, WaterBomb, Ma dudes, tell me, What should i do ?
 
Navy, it doesn't sound like there is much you can do. You seem to have your stuff together, and obviously you care about the future of your baby and your girlfriend if you are working two jobs to provide for your child. I would say you should try and have a sit down alone with her parents, and take control of the conversation. Stay calm and stuff, but firmly remind them that you are that baby's father, and maybe talk about how you don't want their grandson to feel torn between two families. If that doesn't work, take comfort in the fact that you will obviously be a great father, and that you did all you can do.
 
Context is probably important here, Navy. How old are you? Do you and your girlfriend plan on moving in together once the baby is born or will she still be living with her parents or whatever? Was the pregnancy planned? Do you have a reputation for dating 16 year old kids?
 
TSchmelz1994 said:
Navy, it doesn't sound like there is much you can do. You seem to have your stuff together, and obviously you care about the future of your baby and your girlfriend if you are working two jobs to provide for your child. I would say you should try and have a sit down alone with her parents, and take control of the conversation. Stay calm and stuff, but firmly remind them that you are that baby's father, and maybe talk about how you don't want their grandson to feel torn between two families. If that doesn't work, take comfort in the fact that you will obviously be a great father, and that you did all you can do.
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The last time i tried talking to her Parents. Her Father ended up putting his hands on me. He didn't hit me, but he pushed me pretty hard, looking to see if i was tempted to swing at him. This happened, because he randomly refused to let me back in his Household. This conversation took place like 4 weeks after her Parents had found out she had lost her Virginity to me. I gave them a bit of time to kinda like, realize the Relationship between Me and Their Daughter, and how after 2 Years, Me and Her decided to take that next step. Even though thats nobodies business. But My Girl wanted to just, clear the AIR, the Doubts, and just be honest with them. And it all just backfired after that...So as far as, Me and them sitting down and talking about MY Relationship. I don't see it happening.


elcheeso said:
Context is probably important here, Navy. How old are you? Do you and your girlfriend plan on moving in together once the baby is born or will she still be living with her parents or whatever? Was the pregnancy planned? Do you have a reputation for dating 16 year old kids?
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I'm 22 Years old. And yes, i'm planning to move in, hopefully sometime in the next few months if everything goes as planned. I don't think she's gonna be living with her Parents by the time the Baby is born, if it ever gets to that, i'm pretty sure even after the Baby is born, they'll still be shady about, me wanting to see the Baby and whatever other reason they can find to keep me away. I shouldn't be living my life to please them. I should be focused on doing what i need to do for My Son and Girl. But i don't want My Son in the middle of all these tensions, these differences everybody has. At the end of the day, It's my Son, she's My Girl. They think just because she's living under their roof. That they have control of everything. And i don't think that's how things should be...I'm really trying over here...If i was another Guy, I probably would of just walked away, and not give a shit what-so-ever about all of this...
 
Ok. I was unsure as to whether or not you had tried that or not. Then there really is nothing you can do except play nice when your son is around. Some people can't be reasoned with, and you should save yourself the trouble.
 
Navy said:
The last time i tried talking to her Parents. Her Father ended up putting his hands on me. He didn't hit me, but he pushed me pretty hard, looking to see if i was tempted to swing at him. This happened, because he randomly refused to let me back in his Household. This conversation took place like 4 weeks after her Parents had found out she had lost her Virginity to me. I gave them a bit of time to kinda like, realize the Relationship between Me and Their Daughter, and how after 2 Years, Me and Her decided to take that next step. Even though thats nobodies business. But My Girl wanted to just, clear the AIR, the Doubts, and just be honest with them. And it all just backfired after that...So as far as, Me and them sitting down and talking about MY Relationship. I don't see it happening.
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First off, kudos for not swinging back. Most people don't have the control to not hit back(I'm sure I'd be on thin ice if that happened).

Second, since it doesn't seem like her parents are very supportive of you, at the very least, are YOUR parents supporting you? I mean, it's unfortunate that her parents don't see your efforts, but I'd think the pain would be somewhat eased if your parents see what you're doing to help prepare for your son.
 
Perfect Cell said:
First off, kudos for not swinging back. Most people don't have the control to not hit back(I'm sure I'd be on thin ice if that happened).

Second, since it doesn't seem like her parents are very supportive of you, at the very least, are YOUR parents supporting you? I mean, it's unfortunate that her parents don't see your efforts, but I'd think the pain would be somewhat eased if your parents see what you're doing to help prepare for your son.
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The moment he pushed me, it shocked me more than anything. Because at that moment, he assaulted me. And he's also a Correctional Officer. He had NO! legit reason for him to push me or touch me at all. He just under-estimated me and thought i was gonna swing, and then i would of lost a Fight and probably more. He also had a lot to lose if i had pressed charges for him touching me, he has no right, unless if self-defense to touch me. And that's what he wanted from me, to swing and Win. But i sucked it in, and just said "Alright you Mother Fucker" lol...


Bro. honestly, I was raised by a Single Mother. Never had a Father in my life, and My Mother has been very little supportive, not that she's disappointed, But she has her own things to worry about. It's a complicated thing between me and my family. I'm Good for myself, because you find a way to adapt and learn how to live without certain things. Yeah it kinda sucks, But hey, it is what it is. I'm not the first or last.
 
I don't really have a lot of context, but simply based off your story it sounds they have no good reason for their actions. Is I read this I voiced to my friends "Isn't it like, illegal on some level or something to keep some,"
"No" They replied, before I could finish my sentence.

Well, since you seem to have no actual power over them I'd say there's only a few things you can do:
1. Convince her to exercise some power herself. I have two friends who wanted to be together for yeeeaaaars, but he's black and she lived with her grandparents who were old timey and a slight bit racist. So what all told them was: She won't live with them forever. She's 20 now and out of the house a lot. Her grandparents have little to no control over who she sees. This might be a stretch, since it sounds like your girl is not very assertive but I don't think she's technically obligated to stay anywhere. I don't know if you two living together by yourselves would be ideal, but she's not a minor and I don't think there's any law saying she has to live under her parent's roof/authority if she doesn't want to.

2. Change your appeal. Getting to speak with them is hard, and they clearly aren't caring for anything that you've said thus far. We know they won't do it for you, since they think you're an asshole. They won't do it for her, because they probably think they already are. The only person left in the equation is the unborn child, the kid they seem to intend to grow up without a father. I had my dad until I was about 9/10 years old, and I have to say when I understood the difference it created in my life it majorly sucked. I had no male role model in my life, and that was extremely confusing for me growing up. My aunt and uncle stepped in to take help us out, but I just could never really take to my uncle. He wasn't my dad, and I felt strange around him. If anything, I think that's all you have left to appeal to: This boy having his real family.

3. The last thing I could think of is getting someone else involved. Specifically people who have sway with the parents. If you know any relatives or close family friends of her family near by who don't have the same opinion of you, I'd try talking with them.
 
Navy,

I commend you on what you're doing, I can only imagine how difficult things are for both you and your girl. But you're showing an incredible amount of responsibility, maturity, and restraint in this situation.

Don't bother trying to get her family to like you. I'm sure in your heart you know it isn't worth the trouble. You have much larger things to worry about than whether her prick of a dad likes you. Do what's best for you and yours and block out all that bullshit outside noise. Bring your child into a home filled with love, and then later on, if those people want to see their grandchild, you can tell them they're not allowed to until they start acting like grandparents should.
 
Appreciate the support and feedback DM, Thank You. I will keep doing what doing/aiming for!


SoulMuse said:
I don't have much knowledge of degrees of social anxiety, but she dislikes large groups (more than three or four), doesn't like talking to new people, and her description of things is essentially that she is constantly uncomfortable going through the day, just from being around people, and it is an effort of will to make it through a day without having an emotional breakdown.
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I used to have this same issue with My Girl. She was trying to make everything about me or US. And she refused to let other people in, after she Graduated from H.S. It's like, she completely cut all her friends out and was worrying to much about certain other shit. I remember 1 time, we got into a Heated argument, because she wanted to text and i was to busy doing something else. At that moment was when i told her, she needed to stop being so anti-social and go out with her friends, or catch up with some of her friends, instead of wanting to text me almost all day, or be Home. Because really, My Girl's Parents Have always been strict with her, so it was rare when she actually went out and had a Goodtime. But after she got her Car, and had the chance to go out, she still didn't want to. She was so worried about her Parents complaining or not wanting to let her Friends in, so she just tried to always be on me about everything, stay Home all day after work or School, and sometimes i just couldn't Accept see her to be this way...

But try talking to your Girl about it. Some people are different. I've seen Females like this, I've seen Females who Love going out to Lounges, Bars, Or go out in General in mid-size groups of Friends and bug out. Everybody is different. But if you feel like, you're becoming more and more miserable, and she's not putting that effort for you, I'm Sorry Man. But you gotta Accept what's it gonna be...
 
Sorry this is a dumb post and I know this is supposed to be a serious thread but:

does oral count for eskimo brotherhood?
 
So I've been talking to this girl online for ages, she lives by the country side which is a bit of the way out of the city where I live (Sydney). We talk into the night for hours and hours on end, and I've really started to develop feelings for her. But when I asked her out she friendzoned me :((( Another friend of mine, Funkasaurus directed me to r/theredpill and told me the advice there was great. Will this girl like me if I take the advice there, or can you guys give me better advice...
 
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