Confused about feelings.

[assassinfred]

Alright, as the title of this thread suggests, I'm a tiny bit confused. But before I get into why, I'll give you a bit of background about myself.

I am currently a grade 12 student, aiming to graduate from my high school at the end of this year. My school, like our community, is very small, and everyone knows each other. Our school has very little problems with gossip, rumours, and bullying, a trait that is quite rare for high school. So, my grad class is very accepting, and always treat new students well, and help them to quickly get used to it here (I will touch on this later). My grad class really do not have any qualms with each other, and no one seems to really dislike anyone else. We still have our own groups, and no one from one group really knows very much about someone from another group, however.

Now, before I begin, I will say that this is NOT one of those coming out threads. I am not gay. That's not to say that I have anything against people who are gay, but that is not the purpose of this thread. Now, onto why I am confused.

So, it's high school. I've had crushes before, and have had a girlfriend once, but that was four years ago. However, ever since Grade 9, I've liked one particular girl. Her name I will keep secret, but I will call her K throughout the rest of this post. So, as I've said, I've liked this girl, K, since grade 9. And I mean I really like her. Anyways, I've wanted to go out with her for a long time, but have never had the balls to ask her out, which sucks for me. Now it's my grade 12 year, and I'm afraid that if I don't do it now, I won't ever have a chance, and will have to spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened. The main problem is K and I have very little in common. She's athletic, popular, and pretty, while I'm completely out of shape, kind of an outcast, and average at best. I'm afraid that this relationship will not work because of these differences, which, along with many other reasons, is why I have not yet asked her out.

So, you've heard about my problem with K, and what I want to do, so I'm done, right? Wrong. This is where things get complicated on my end.

Growing up, I've known most of my classmates my entire life, with some new kids that generally come once every few years, who are surprisingly quickly adapted into our grade's social spectrum. One of these new kids is a girl, who's name will also remain undisclosed, but who I will refer to as J. J came to the school at the beginning of this year, and, like most other new students, was welcome with open arms into our class. Now, this is where the main problem comes in. Despite having been here only a few months, I've started to develop feelings for her, in addition to my feelings for K. I've talked to her a few times, and she is a really nice person. She's great, which only makes my problem worse. Not only that, but J is a lot like K, pretty, popular, and athletic.

So, Smogon, this is where you come in. What should I do? I like two girls, one who has been in my grade my entire life, another who has just come here this year. Should I ask one of them out? If so, which one? Should I even ask either of them out at all? If you could give me even a bit of an idea of what to do, I would greatly appreciate it.

 

[lmitchell0012]

Well, you've spoken to J, so that's a start. Have you spoken to K yet?? I think that before you make a decision on who you want to ask, you need to get a better understanding of how they feel about you.

 

[Xav]

Get to know them first or at least talk to them some more, and you'll probably see who you like better. Otherwise ask them both out and go with which ever one says yes. If they both do, well played sir. If neither do, then another problem arises.

In conlcusion, just get to know them better.

 

[MrIndigo]

Ask one out, see how it goes. If it doesn't work, ask the other one out. I'd go with the new one first (less to lose if it goes bad).

Don't think "One of these might be the one, how do I choose the right one", think of it as two chances, two bites at the apple.

EDIT: Additionally, find out what their post-school plans are. Ask out the one who is most likely to coincide with yours.

If it fails with both, don't worry about it. University is where most people meet their bf/gfs.

 

[mtr]

I won't say "lol just ask them out, what's the worst that can happen?" Because the worst that can happen is that they turn you down and tell all their friends, who now don't want anything to do with you.

So ask the new girl, since you don't have much to lose if she turns you down? Who cares about her anyways, lol, she's new.

If you want to prepare for the college experience, talk to them a bit about whatever without going into interview mode where you ask them boring questions, then invite them to a party and get them drunk. If they don't accept your invitation, then they were just being asocial and it doesn't reflect on you.

The problem is getting alcohol to begin with.

 

[Sæglópur]

Since I'm not really clear on if you've talked to K, I would talk to J a bit more, and ask her out. Or, just ask out whichever one you feel most comfortable around.
Also, since you are in your last year of high school, I would wait until you go to college before making any decisions about love interests. I feel like there's a lot more opportunities to find someone in college than high school anyways.

 

[Navy]

Don't just ask them out randomly just to see who'll take you. You are stuck between 2 girls that YOU like, not everybody can give you a good Advice about this. This is something you need to figure out yourself. If you like K, because you already know her!, and she was probably your first love (correct me if i'm wrong) She's pretty much gonna be first. But now this new girl arrived called, J. And you have caught some type of feelings for her. It's fine to like 2 girls, but don't brake your head knowing you can't have both of them. You are gonna have to pick!, at least talk to J some more get to know her a bit more! and then see what happens. If J doesn't seem to like you MORE! than a friend. Then don't waste your time on her, knowing that you got another girl that could pretty much be that! girl you are looking for.

 

[chocolate-kipp]

By the sound of it, you're more at ease around J, and if she's fine with you too, just keep on talking to her until you feel you're ready to ask her out.

I'm not good with these things-- I'm not in high school yet, but I think I know a thing or two. ...

 

[DM]

My advice for you is the advice I give anyone at that age:

Don't worry about it, don't force it. Let it happen naturally, and if it doesn't happen with either girl, move on with your life.

 

[Lanturn314]

Strategic, formulaic approach that often works:
I'd say try to talk to them both more and see how things progress. You say you don't have much in common with either of them, but you probably have classes and/or extracurriculars together, right? Try to find some common ground like that so you can start up a conversation, and just be yourself. Do this several times. If they seem happy to see you, good job. If they begin to start talking to you, great job. If it looks like either of them would say yes, ask them to go to something where you're in a big group of mutual friends, like a movie with friends or something (this way, it's not necessarily a date request, but it can sort of put the idea in their mind). Start to flirt with whichever one it is while you're there, and compliment her a lot (not constantly, as that's creepy, but if her hair looks especially nice or you like her shirt, tell her so). Be a nice guy. If it goes well and she hangs around with you more than anyone else (by even a little margin), ask her to go do something else with these friends, especially if she flirts with you, too. Keep doing this, and if it looks like she's consistently flirting with you and you still like her, ask her out.
Of course, this approach could also lead to the oh-so-painful friend-zone if you're not careful, so don't wait too long to actually ask her out-- I'd say after three or so "group dates" should be a good time to ask her out on a real date if you've gotten to know her well enough.
Also, a word of caution: if you decide to go with other people's advice and ask them both out at the same time and just see what happens, it could end badly if J and K are really good friends with each other, because they WILL talk to each other about it. If not, it's not such a big deal, but they'll probably reject you if they barely talk to you in the first place. Whatever you do, at least have a few good conversations with them first to see which one is more likely to say yes.

 

[Chou Toshio]

I think the ground facts are kind of important. You are 12th Grade right? I don't know people do in your town, but in mine, everyone was planning to go this that and the other place or college upon grad'ing. IE. If that's the case, the benefits of getting with either of these girls (for a serious relationship) is minimal at best.

That said, there is some time left. It's fall. You need a prom date right?

I am going to say the outcast/unattractive thing is not a good start. You will have to beat that the same way you will have to beat the wall between you and these girls.

I'm going to go ahead and say asking them on a date out of the blue is not going to work. I would tell you to just do it to grow some balls--it's good for you! But if you actually want to get a date, you should start by not going that route. ESPECIALLY not a "I've always liked you~!" or even a "I really like you!" confession! Do not go the confession route-- it's awkward and painful for both sides.

The first thing you want to do is be more out going socially in general. You say everyone knows each other and are friends (and I've been in those kinds of social settings too). Believe me though-- people's opinions of you can change.

Be FUNNY, be FRIENDLY, be that guy that everyone thinks is fun to be around! It is a common pick-up strategy to go into a group and win the smiles of the guys first-- ignoring the girls. Why? Because women are like guys-- they want to have a good time and be around people who are fun. Also because girls oddly LIKE being ignored, or rather they're attracted to men that ignore them (initially).

The trick here is to become that guy that everyone thinks is cool-- you don't have to be handsome or athletic (though these are definite pluses). You just have to be fun and confident. Add funny to that list and things are in the bag. This doesn't mean flat out ignoring your targets (especially because it is a small community), but it does mean being able to confidently (and frequently) interact with them without showing your [obsession] with them, especially k. "Weird and Creepy" is the worst thing you can be, even worse than "an asshole."


Just remember, and here's one of the most important things to girls, friends, and almost anything in life: The worst thing you can do, is lose to embarrassment.

Seriously, embarrassment/shame, is the most useless of all human emotions. It does nothing to connect with others. It does nothing to express yourself. It doesn't to move you towards your goals in life. It is inherently connected to self-blame, which is just pathetic. The name of the game is self-confidence. No matter what the situation, be calm, confident and proud about who you are and what you did/doing/done. This is the best advice in general I can give anyone.

Especially with these girls-- loosing to embarrassment will shoot you in the foot, undermine the great things about you. Self-confidence will highlight the good things, even if you aren't handsome, athletic and attractive (though you have my condolences). Especially for men, if you can highlight the good, your chances are always pretty good.

Be confident, and give it your best. If you do so, the worst that happens is you don't work out, but you learn from it, and become even more confident about yourself in the future (without regrets too!).

Best of luck with high school!

 

[assassinfred]

I appreciate all of the advice, guys! I will definitely take it all under consideration.

 

[Luminary]

As someone at a similar stage in life, I feel that I am both badly suited and appropriately suited to answer your question. While I do not mean to assume anything about you, I know that the voice I am about to present has been beneficial to me in the past.

Caution yourself not in your capability, but in your motivation. The social validation that comes with having a date can be more alluring than the girl, herself. It's extremely easy to convince yourself that you have a crush on someone, or that you've always liked them. It's also natural to hypothetically pair yourself up with someone, and come to a positive conclusion because you know so little about that person. Because you see them as prospects, is it possible that you are idealizing the situation? I definitely put on the rose-coloured glasses when I meet a girl who is in close enough proximity to me that I feel as if dating could work. In explaining the situation to a third party, it is easy for me to display an idealized view of the issue, so to groom the answers I would like. You could finish your senior year fine and dandy without a relationship like this. Take a second to make sure you're thinking straight.

And if you are, let me encourage you. You present a level-headed and capable image, and I think that counts in your favour. I don't think the above is the case for you; I merely have appreciated such advice in the past. As long as a modicum of maturity has set in, most girls like nice guys. If you spend some time with these girls, you could be successful if you wanted to.

If you're worried that you aren't physically fit, that's something you can work on. Is fitness something you care about? Then go for a run every once in a while. That might even be something you could do with your girlfriend, eventually. I think that's pretty sexy. I'm getting in shape, too, and it has been the biggest confidence boost of my life.

I don't mean to sound like Fred Penner, but you can doot-doot-doodily-do-it if you try.

 

[Alan]

Anyways, I've wanted to go out with her for a long time, but have never had the balls to ask her out, which sucks for me. Now it's my grade 12 year, and I'm afraid that if I don't do it now, I won't ever have a chance, and will have to spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened.

as someone who has made this mistake several times in my life i would like to say to you, just do it, it sucks really bad when you think about what could have been which is what you will think about a lot. just man up and ask her out, even if she says no you will gain confidence in yourself by having asked her. next girl you like will be like "oh well i did it with K so this should be easy".

 

[KurashiDragon]

So basically you like this girl but cant really ask her out. lol That's probably the most used teen drama on television. Anyway, onto the matter at hand. I'm not that good with girls or dates or anything like that cause I've only had one but really I think you need to take it slow. A common answer yes but I believe it's the right one. If you try to rush into it she'll just think your wierd. On the other hand if you do nothing you'll go through life wondering if you could've changed it. Are you friends with her? If not that's a good starting point. Find a way to introduce yourself without it seeming wierd and out of place. Slowly get to know her and see if she's really your type. If she is, you find the right time to take it to the next step.

Also remember that alot of women are emotional. (This isn't a general term of the female sex this is just how I view the majority of women in my life) Take it slow and take her feelings into account. How do you think she feels about you? Do you think you can change that aspect of yourself without changing yourself overall. If you don't wanna change tell her. Let her take that as it'll be. If she breaks up with you just cause your not willing to change some aspect of yourself then she's obviously not the right one for you.

Finally don't expect it all to work out in the end. It could be that she doesnt find you attractive in any way. Or it could be that you didn't see what you thought you saw. There are plenty of senarios. Hopefully everything will go right for you in the end.

 

[Gabe]

I would ask one, then if I get shot down, I'd ask the other. And if I get shot down again, hey at least I tried right? That's the best you can do. Just try. Getting rejected isn't the worst thing in the world to happen to you. And who knows, maybe it'll happen? My current gf is really attractive and popular, and I was this total misfit, but we ended up happening. Nothing is definite in this world.

 

[icepick]

In my opinion, at this point, it's probably worth waiting until college to start a relationship. You seem to think that you are completely smitten with K, and if you don't take this chance, you will have lost a chance at love. But your interest in J suggests that your attraction to either of the two girls is more superficial than you think. So unless you really just want a relationship now, which you may, don't think that you need to rush into it because you may never see them again.

 

[supermarth64]

I wouldn't ask for the sake of asking. That's the worst thing you can do because if they say no, you just feel like shit. If you're doing it just for the sake of having a girlfriend in high school before for college, that's a terrible mentality. Additionally, if there's that much in between both of them, then it usually won't work. There has to be some connection between you two in order for the relationship to work.

The best thing you can do now is just talk to them. Don't try and approach them too strongly otherwise they'll start to get suspicious, just start casually chatting with them until it becomes a regular thing. Don't talk out of the blue either, a club or project works best if you guys don't talk at all. If they don't respond in a way that shows that they like you, don't bother going for what isn't going to happen.

Another thing that you have to consider: if you do end up getting a relationship, are you thinking about keeping it long-term and long-distance? If not, then don't bother trying for a few months for something that'll only last a month or two.

 

[undisputed]

Ok. I guess I have some advice to share. I've kind of been in the same boat where I went out with this one girl and still miss her, but whatever. not your problem.

My advice would be

a) If you really want to ask one of them out, go for it. You only get one chance at highschool, and when you're older do you want to look back and say "I'm glad I took the chance" or "I'm glad I stayed in my shell for fear of failure"

b) If youre in no real rush to ask one of them out, become good friends with them. Talk to them on facebook, text, whatever. Find some commonalities between the two of you (like maybe you have Math together. Ask her what the homework was or how hard she thought it was. Other stuff is like a common event you went to. How was your homecoming? did you go anywhere over summer? although the summer one is kind of late now, but whatever. you probably understand what i mean). That's what I do so it's not an akward "hey i want to talk to you but don't really have a place to start". Always have a plan on where you want the convo to go lol

 

[Miscellaneous]

My advice for you is the advice I give anyone at that age:

Don't worry about it, don't force it. Let it happen naturally, and if it doesn't happen with either girl, move on with your life.

this.

Also, if they don't warm to you/ take hints, then it's probably best to not go out with either. It's great to have a pretty athletic girlfriend at first, but you need to either have a really deep bond or good friendship if it's actually going to work. I'm a bit sceptical about you not having that much in common, but there are other things to consider. But definitely put yourself out there, regret is truely awful.