Depression

[Raj]

I'm kind of the same way right now... I don't know if it's depression, though. Perhaps if you ignore the maleffects as symptoms of depression you will do better. Often times just believing that you are ill can make you ill or lower your health. Your psychologist must actually be a psychiatrist if he can prescribe meds for you (psychologists cannot). I'm not just hounding you for your error, I'm actually going somewhere with this. See Psychiatrists don't really look you over and see what's wrong with you. Because they're professional, they'll find whatever diagnosis they want to see in you and prescribe just about any medication to get you gone- they just don't have the time or interest for you. Psychologists, being unable to give drugs, spends more in-depth studying. My suggestion is, if you want to scam for free drugs with no questions asked, go to the psychiatrist. If you want someone who cares about your well-being, check out the psychologist. My point is, people often see what they expect to see.

Some helpful links that aren't medical walls of text:
http://www.housemd-guide.com/season3/318airborne.php

In this episode of House, someone gets sick on a plance. Cuddy believes it's a pandemic and gets the same symptoms. When word spreads about the incident, many passengers believe they are sick too, when in fact they themselves were over-reacting and mimicking the symptoms. TV show, but true occurrences.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosenhan_experiment

This one talks about professionals just accepting that you've got an issue just because they looked for it, without evidence. Very interesting.

edit:
akuchi, the House episode has nothing to do about psychiatric care; it's rather about how believing you are symptomatic can make you jump to the conclusion that you're ill. Women who believe they are pregnant may gain weight, stop having their period, etc- things that do happen during pregnancy- all from assuming incorrectly. I guess my point to RL was that he should look for other possible causes other than depression because sometimes things just suck.

 

[akuchi]

An episode of House does not an assessment of psychiatric care make. There are good psychiatrists and bad psychiatrists - keep trying til you find one you can work with.

 

[Lee]

Aren't we a cheery bunch!

So how's it going then RL? It's been a while since you last posted in here.

(random musings from my experiences)

I think the best thing you can do is make sure you have something to look forward to. If I didn't have the promise of a place in the Paras in a few months I'd definatley have gone loopy by now. It's nice to know there's a light at the end of the tunnel but it's up to you to find it. It's also nice to have smaller things to focus on to fill in the gaps...when I had a big race coming up I was so busy and focused that my other problems would always be forced into the back of my head.

And I'd disagree with all the people trying to force you onto the girl. I know it sounds bullshit but the old cliche 'you can't love somebody else until you can love yourself' applies here. It's not really fair on her if you've got so much shit going on in your head right now.

I always liked being able to get away for a bit aswell, even if it was just for a day. I'd just go cycling for as far as I could go and then turn around and come back. It gave me plenty of time to think in peace and always cheered me up without fail. I have the advantage of living on the outskirts of an unpopulated hill range so I didn't have to worry about the problems of watching other people having fun etc though. :\

And try to find a silver lining out of this year off - you've got a lot of time for yourself so try to use it wisely. Obviously focus on getting better but it's a chance to travel or save up some money or just train yourself silly every day or whatever the heck you want really.

 

[moot]

I disagree, although there will always be controversy over this. I'm in both the 'pills are not a quick fix in almost all cases' and 'I have only ever had terrible experiences with pills' camps. I've been taking Prozac and friends for years, kind of low dose (40mg but I'm fifteen and kind of conservative doctor), but I suffered pretty bad side effects as far as mood and nausea went until I adjusted after weeks, and I find they at best just take the edge off the anxiety. After I adjusted from my dose being doubled last time from 20->40, I found that helped for awhile, but in the end it began to wear off. Recently it was considered raising my dose to 80 and/or institutionalising me because I have become extremely unstable. RL, I hope you don't end up like this, but I am confident (and also hope that) you will pull out of this. All I can be is depressing as I have been depressed ever since I was nine years old and have had anxiety problems for ages. (By the way, every person in my house is diagnosed with at least one mental illness and is on a prescription. My father in particular has taken an entire pantheon of pills and they either completely zombify him [no matter how you adjust the dose] or make him quite aggressive.)

Being a medication-reliant manic depressive, I have to disagree with you. If you really have tried everything else, seriously, talk to your doctor or a psychiatrist. They know what the fuck they're talking about. Anyone who has been on IRC with me when I was off my pills for those two days know how fucking crazy it can get without them. I'm not saying that you should fix every problem with pills, but I am saying that if you've completely run out of options and you just want to be happy again, even if it's not for real, it's at least an idea.

That sounds really weird, but trust me, it's helped me so much over the years. I am a completely different and better person thanks to my cocktail of psychotherapeutic meds.

edit: ok i really need to start reading posts before i comment, sorry. My only addendum is that pills do indeed affect everyone differently and while I am a staunch supporter of them just do what you feel is right for your body; if you don't feel right in any way, get off them.

 

[RaikouLover]

Thanks for following up and bumping this guys...

As of right now I've been home for nearly a month and I've been seeing a psycologist and trying to find a psychiatrist for the meds. But in regards to this question:

Just wondering, do you have anxiety issues as well, as that combination usually indicates some latent genetic issue.

Yes! In fact, he diagnosed me with serious anxiety issues. I get social anxiety and scared shitless in large groups of people.. and through college I think that anxiety has moved to tests... and it even affects my relationships (as with that girl). The good thing is I've been doing a lot of excercising and getting out every day and I've been searching for jobs constantly. I landed a job last week at this cooky company called Vector. If you've never heard of them, they use direct marketing to sell kitchen knives. I ended up quitting after three days because I felt like a total dick calling people I haven't talked to in nearly ten years and asking them if I can come over and sell knives...

As for my mood. Generally I'm happier.. but when I started working I definately felt another taste of that emptyness and unhappiness feeling every morning when I woke up. In fact... sleep has been torture to me in the last 2 years. I haven't had a consistent sleep schedule since high school...

As for that one girl, that situation is kind of halted. I know she likes me.. but I'm in upstate New York and she lives in Philadelphia, and when school starts back up she wont even be there because she is going to the Air Force.

Anyway, I met another girl back in March that I didn't mention in this thread. I guess I should have.. But anyway.. I was talking to her for a bit but she was currently talking to someone else and thought they were going to get into a relationship. She has a beautiful smile and she smiles alot... I remember her positive energy was so overwhelming it could change my mood like instantly.. then when she told me she just wanted to be friends I went back into another depressive episode. Well, when I got home and began my "working on me" process I got up enough nerve to call her and we've been talking ever since. It turns out she misses me and actually was interested and that guy never gave her the time of day. That does make me feel a bit better, only there is no way for me to see her until school starts again in September (she too, lives close to my campus). Though my main concern now is how to avoid another depressive episode if things don't work out...

 

[Scofield]

When it comes to girls, I find that in order for two halves to be whole, each half needs to be whole on its own. If you can't be happy when you're by yourself, being with someone else is hardly ever the solution to your problems, and is at best a band aid, and you just have to hope you don't let your problems bleed into your relationship, but by it's nature they will. Girls are nice and help to alleviate depression...but really you shouldn't rely on them to cure all your problems.

 

[RaikouLover]

I kno... thank you for that scofield. That's why I retract... I'm already starting to feel the retract phase coming. Almost like in order to protect myself and her I withdraw. But I don't want to! Even if I didn't feel like shit she is someone who I would want to talk to...

Its hard to explain what I'm feeling now. I know she likes me.. she admitted it.. and I like her. But at the same time I feel like I just want to call it off because she doesn't know the full extent of my problem (she just knows I withdraw because of my family issues). Hence, why part of me wants to A) hope I get better so I don't have to tell her she likes a depressed person.. or B) just stop talking to her, so she doesnt have to like a depressed person...

 

[jrrrrrrr]

I don't feel sad all the time... in fact I feel happy at times, albeit it only for a few hours at a time. However, for about the past year I have felt a general looming emptiness... like my life has no direction and I'm trapped in this void. I was once a confident person, yet now I have serious self-esteem issues stemming back to this overwhelming feeling of shame. I've been talking to this girl for a few months, and despite how much she tells me she likes me and shit, I retract even though deep down I love her. She tries to hold my hand when were out... and again, something keeps me from letting her do it. I'm in the best physical shape of my life... I run 3 times a week for at least 3 miles, and play basketball and lift weights on 2 more days out of the week. After I do it, I feel a brief sense of happiness, but it wears off very quickly so I think its really just endorphins and not me.

But to the more important things... school and family. My parents just got divorced four months ago after living with me (I am the only) happily for 19 years. My GPA has dropped from a 3.25 last year in engineering to a 2.8. Yes, it is supposed to get harder, but I went from getting all As and Bs for a whole year to straight Cs and Ds in one sudden semester. The work load has gotten a little harder, but not to the point where I just can't manage it anymore which is what happened. I have no out on weekends, I just study more... which burns me out and makes the semester seem like a 15 week long single week, rather than 15 straight weeks. So when I'm burnt out I have trouble concentrating both inside and outside the classroom to the point where sometimes I miss a class. We all miss classes, but after I miss one, the shame and embarrassment of missing that first class makes me miss subsequent classes to the point where I may end up going for a week, then skipping for two. I mean people shouldn't care right? But I can't help but think that everyone doesn't look at me when I am one of 3 black people in a lecture hall of 60. Its gotten to the point where I am so far behind in my work, that my psychologist has recommended that I completely withdraw from the semester on a medical leave (which would not affect my financial aide status or GPA). However, in my curriculum doing so would mean I would probably have to stay an extra year, or at least an extra semester because of how semester-sensitive engineering course offerings are. Then I have to live with the embarrassment of not graduating with all of my classmates and getting over the fact that I feel like I've failed.

I don't know if this is going to make you feel better or not....but pretty much everybody goes through this when they start college, especially if they did well in high school as you did. You don't have to feel bad, it is a completely different experience from what you expected and you fell behind. If you talk to people about your issues, I'm sure you will find out that there are lots of people in the same situation as you. Engineering classes are harder than liberal arts classes, it is expected that your GPA won't be as high. I can't really comment on the "being black in a mostly white area" thing because my minority status is a bit easier to hide...but really, they don't mean any harm. About the girl....why not just enjoy things as they come? If it doesnt work, it doesnt work...but for now you have a girl that is obviously interested in you and you are just letting it go "because you're sad". How is that helping your case?

Honestly, your best option is to talk to people. Your school's office of Academic Advising is there for people like you that are worried about the future. Getting outside help is always beneficial in these situations. Have you tried joining any clubs? Sometimes the best idea can just be to take your mind off of things, have fun and make friends in the process. There are so many great ways to self-cure depression in college, its hard to find an excuse not to go out and get help.

If you have to take some time to get over this, it would be best to do it now before things get worse. At least now, you can cut your losses and still make something out of it...but if you do shitty in classes then you are going to be really struggling to make them up later.

I know this isn't much, but you've gotten to this point in your life without drugs or a psychiatrist pushing you. Sometimes, just a little bit of confidence can go a long way. This might seem harsh, but sitting around and sulking is not going to help you fix your depression. You have a real chance to take care of this on your own, and doing so will only make you a better person in the long run.

 

[akuchi]

I don't know if this is going to make you feel better or not....but pretty much everybody goes through this when they start college, especially if they did well in high school as you did. You don't have to feel bad, it is a completely different experience from what you expected and you fell behind. If you talk to people about your issues, I'm sure you will find out that there are lots of people in the same situation as you. Engineering classes are harder than liberal arts classes, it is expected that your GPA won't be as high. I can't really comment on the "being black in a mostly white area" thing because my minority status is a bit easier to hide...but really, they don't mean any harm. About the girl....why not just enjoy things as they come? If it doesnt work, it doesnt work...but for now you have a girl that is obviously interested in you and you are just letting it go "because you're sad". How is that helping your case?

You say you can't comment then say they don't mean harm; their intentions are unreadable to us (though it is likely you are right) but the effect it is having is obvious.
I think OP is being p sensible not to get a girl involved at this stage. Me and my most recent ex were both bipolar. We love each other, but issues alone were enough to totally fuck things up. Even assuming said girl is mentally stable, it's not fair to a) add more weight to his own mental burden by adding a relationship - which take time and effort at the best of times - into the equasion and it's certainly not fair on her to have to deal with the guilt and the stress and the worry that comes with having a mentally ill partner that isn't coping too well. It's not 'love yourself before you can love another' - I think that's bullshit - but it is deal with yourself before you deal with owt else.

Honestly, your best option is to talk to people. Your school's office of Academic Advising is there for people like you that are worried about the future. Getting outside help is always beneficial in these situations. Have you tried joining any clubs? Sometimes the best idea can just be to take your mind off of things, have fun and make friends in the process. There are so many great ways to self-cure depression in college, its hard to find an excuse not to go out and get help.

If this depression is clinical and not reactive, you can't 'self-fix' it any more than you could self-fix a broken leg (an analogy that works very well - sure, you could splint it yourself, but it's a messy painful process that will likely result in self-destruction and quite probable substance dependence). You need outside help. There are things you can do - and will need to do - to help yourself; but you cannot just pull yourself out of it. That's a dangerous myth.

If you have to take some time to get over this, it would be best to do it now before things get worse. At least now, you can cut your losses and still make something out of it...but if you do shitty in classes then you are going to be really struggling to make them up later.

I know this isn't much, but you've gotten to this point in your life without drugs or a psychiatrist pushing you. Sometimes, just a little bit of confidence can go a long way. This might seem harsh, but sitting around and sulking is not going to help you fix your depression. You have a real chance to take care of this on your own, and doing so will only make you a better person in the long run.

The fact OP has got so far without the aid of a psychiatrist or psychiatric medication is indeed a testament to his internal resilience. This doesn't make him weak or incapable for accepting that yes, he has a problem that is not his own fault, and yes he needs help. The comment about 'sitting around and sulking' was totally unreasonable (and as I said, working on the assumption this is clinical depression) - to go back to the broken leg analogy, that's like calling them a lazy twat because they're not running up flights of stairs.

 

[Heysup]

I kno... thank you for that scofield. That's why I retract... I'm already starting to feel the retract phase coming. Almost like in order to protect myself and her I withdraw. But I don't want to! Even if I didn't feel like shit she is someone who I would want to talk to...

Its hard to explain what I'm feeling now. I know she likes me.. she admitted it.. and I like her. But at the same time I feel like I just want to call it off because she doesn't know the full extent of my problem (she just knows I withdraw because of my family issues). Hence, why part of me wants to A) hope I get better so I don't have to tell her she likes a depressed person.. or B) just stop talking to her, so she doesnt have to like a depressed person...

I'm definitely going to suggest that you give her a chance. Many people I know seem very similar-ish to your dilema, but too be honest, you shouldn't just assume that someone will not understand your "problem" (tbh it sounds like more of a phase to me) when on the contrary someone could definitely make you feel so much better, people often balance each other out. Having someone to help you back on your feet when your knocked down is very important. In fact, you already mentioned she made you feel a little better didnt you? Thats definitely a good start. It seems like you and this girl would make a nice balance, and eventually be in a "neutral" state (where you still care about stuff, but you aren't sad).

Just my two cents RL, I hope you get passed this soon cause you seem like an awesome guy even though I basically just met you because I was bitching about C&C :P. You (and LR) helped me get by that thing too. Hopefully this will help return the favor in some way >.> Give her a chance :)

 

[Phantom_IV]

Darkvirus, that's a really cool avatar and an insane wall of text. Though it kinda hurt to look at.
On topic, I know someone who used to be depressed and on pills. Then she found a boyfriend and stopped needing them. She seems quite happy now.

I'd say finding someone to talk to can be 10x as soothing as posting on a forum.

 

[Darkvirus]

Darkvirus, that's a really cool avatar and an insane wall of text. Though it kinda hurt to look at.
/quote]

yep i saw taht pic and i was like that is so stolen and yah it s a big wall to text and easerly could have been about x2 as long >.>

now back to the topic at hand

If this girl truly likes you and you truly like her then i see the best option is to sit and tell her all this for a start its a great relif to let someone you trust know whats going on and if she truly feels that way for you then she will understand and be there to help you when feeling low and sometimes to make yourself even a little happier is to know you have someone there be it jsut a freind or girlfriend it dosent matter it just means you know you got someone that you can trust

 

[Darkartisan]

I was always depressed when I was on the computer 7+ hours every day. Not sure about this one, but I can say that I felt much better when I joined a sport, maybe an idea.

 

[RaikouLover]

Hey guys... I've been doing well.. continuing on my 3-4 day / week excercise routine.

Last night I started my first dose of anti-depressants. I have mixed feelings about taking meds, but the psychiatrists said I really have nothing to lose from taking them, so I'm giving them a shot. I'm taking a pill called Lexapro to treat the combination of anxiety and depression. Basically keeping an open mind since its going to take 2+ weeks for it to take effect.

 

[akuchi]

Stay on as low a dose of Lexapro as you can, you should know if it's starting to work within a month. If nothing happens within that time the lower dose you're on the easier it will be to get yourself off it.