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Social Neurodiversity
- Thread starter p0ip0le
- Start date
Hello,
After months of grappling with how public and forward I wanted to be about this (as well as chatting with some people about to approach it), I think it is better for me and my mental health to be more forward about this. It shapes much of my online experience, and I'm sure to some extent it's been noticeable for people who speak to me somewhat consistently.
In short: I have dissociative identity disorder.
DID is a disorder under the dissociation and de-realization umbrella caused by extremely stressful childhood events/circumstances that lead to the psyche to operate under multiple characterized personality states as a defensive mechanism. These personality states are known as "alters", usually having their own memories, feelings, and interests. Among most forms of neurodivergence, it is (imo) the most widely misunderstood and stigmatized due to its extreme nuance leading to very individualized symptoms, but most worsened by very volatile (and often misleading) representation in media.
How it works is that switches are often very "seamless", in the sense that without individual awareness and therapy it can be difficult to notice when switches occur unless alters announce themselves. It is a dissociative disorder; when personality states take the front, it can feel as though you are just watching yourself behave in an uncharacteristic way, and as though you are detached from reality/what's happening around you. In some extreme cases of DID it can feel as though you are entirely phased out, and memory gaps can be far wider. Switches are not voluntary and typically occur as a result of specific stimuli or dissociation.
Alters often exist in what's called a headspace, which is an inner world where they can either be visualized, communicate, connect, and share feelings. This interconnectedness is often why individuals with DID are often called a "system", which is what is used to refer to individuals who have alters. You may also hear the term "plural" used to refer to systems. In a similar sense, alters usually are formed for some kind of subconscious purpose usually because of a trauma response or persistent day-to-day stimuli. Systems often use labels like "host", "persecutor", or "protector" (for the sake of example) to refer to how alters interact within a system or what purposes they front for.
I have two "major" personality states (alongside multiple other alters who I will not be talking about here): Connie and Jade. Connie is "ausma", the person that mostly interacts on this site, problem-solving, and with competitive Pokemon in general. Jade is more focused on subjects like biology, witchcraft, and the more creative angle when it comes to Pokemon (Pet Mods or Fakemon creation for example). We all like Pokemon a lot but interact with it in different ways.
If any of you have any questions or would like to learn more about DID or about my system in general, please let me know. I will not be answering any questions about my trauma, but most of anything else is fair game.
Thanks for reading.
After months of grappling with how public and forward I wanted to be about this (as well as chatting with some people about to approach it), I think it is better for me and my mental health to be more forward about this. It shapes much of my online experience, and I'm sure to some extent it's been noticeable for people who speak to me somewhat consistently.
In short: I have dissociative identity disorder.
DID is a disorder under the dissociation and de-realization umbrella caused by extremely stressful childhood events/circumstances that lead to the psyche to operate under multiple characterized personality states as a defensive mechanism. These personality states are known as "alters", usually having their own memories, feelings, and interests. Among most forms of neurodivergence, it is (imo) the most widely misunderstood and stigmatized due to its extreme nuance leading to very individualized symptoms, but most worsened by very volatile (and often misleading) representation in media.
How it works is that switches are often very "seamless", in the sense that without individual awareness and therapy it can be difficult to notice when switches occur unless alters announce themselves. It is a dissociative disorder; when personality states take the front, it can feel as though you are just watching yourself behave in an uncharacteristic way, and as though you are detached from reality/what's happening around you. In some extreme cases of DID it can feel as though you are entirely phased out, and memory gaps can be far wider. Switches are not voluntary and typically occur as a result of specific stimuli or dissociation.
Alters often exist in what's called a headspace, which is an inner world where they can either be visualized, communicate, connect, and share feelings. This interconnectedness is often why individuals with DID are often called a "system", which is what is used to refer to individuals who have alters. You may also hear the term "plural" used to refer to systems. In a similar sense, alters usually are formed for some kind of subconscious purpose usually because of a trauma response or persistent day-to-day stimuli. Systems often use labels like "host", "persecutor", or "protector" (for the sake of example) to refer to how alters interact within a system or what purposes they front for.
I have two "major" personality states (alongside multiple other alters who I will not be talking about here): Connie and Jade. Connie is "ausma", the person that mostly interacts on this site, problem-solving, and with competitive Pokemon in general. Jade is more focused on subjects like biology, witchcraft, and the more creative angle when it comes to Pokemon (Pet Mods or Fakemon creation for example). We all like Pokemon a lot but interact with it in different ways.
If any of you have any questions or would like to learn more about DID or about my system in general, please let me know. I will not be answering any questions about my trauma, but most of anything else is fair game.
Thanks for reading.
What's your perspective on media's depiction of DID? I wrote a (non professional) paper about media representation of schizophrenia and repercussions on people with it. (Wrote it due to the reasons mentioned in this thread some time ago, where I thought I had schizophrenia, so I want to know the perspective on the same issue but from another condition)
In the paper I mentioned that another condition that I think has it worse in terms of accurate depictions is DID, mostly due to movies and series using it as a prompt for content.
The average encounter with DID for an average content consumer is the movie Split. I think the movie by itself is entertaining, but the depiction of DID? Awful. What do you think of that movie?
Also, how do you feel about the outdated term multiple personality disorder?
I think it's very hit or miss, leaning closer to miss, because very few forms of media actually commit to talking about it as a focal point and instead prefer to use it as a plot device. The thing about DID is that if you want to depict it in media, you actually have to put in the elbow grease to understand or learn about it if you want it to be actual representation.
From what I've seen, most depictions of DID end up being very surface level or used as a way to give a character some kind of gimmick. A good example of that would be Diavolo from JJBA, who isn't necessarily maliciously written but is very clearly written to me as a way to give the main antagonist some kind of gimmick to make the nature of his "secrecy" more interesting or compelling. On the contrary, OMORI is a phenomenal example of how to do it right since the entire premise of the game centers around Sunny and his trauma/headspace, and takes a lot of care to dive into the nuance around Sunny's psyche. I've yet to fully play it but from what I've heard/seen/played for myself, it's extremely compelling and well-executed.
Obviously with how insanely individualized DID cases are, it's hard to say any one instance of a system is "incorrect" but to me it's about the subtext and intentions. I take most of it with a grain of salt for that reason, but I'm hesitant to call most instances of DID in media "good representation" unless I know the circumstances in which they were written and how much care they put into depicting the different facets of a system. In a vast majority of cases, that care is not provided.
I haven't actually watched it but I have seen clips and read a synopsis. The basis on which the Beast "forms" seems reasonable on paper since as I understand it, it's a manifestation of the main character's abuse history and trauma, which is often how persecutor alters form (and often they form as a direct defense mechanism). I may be misremembering or misunderstanding but the Beast fronting seems to physically "empower" the system's body which... no, certain alters fronting does not make you suddenly invincible or whatever.
From an actual narrative perspective, as is, the movie heavily caters toward the negative stereotype that DID systems are volatile and dangerous, which is far from the truth. I don't hate the premise, as with proper research (including actually talking to real systems) it could make for a film that adds perspective when it comes to persecutor alters and the nuance around their formation. However from what I understand, it lacks a lot of tact and seems to prefer to use DID as a horror gimmick, which contributes quite badly to the already heavy stigma around DID. I'd say a lot of my opinion on it aligns with what I mentioned in my previous answer, as instead of trying to create a compelling perspective on the nature of DID it focuses more on using it as a scapegoat to enhance the spooky factor, which is especially dangerous in the context of Split's narrative.
TL;DR: it's dangerously uninformed and dangerously written, but the premise isn't terrible and could even be good if there's heavy research and good faith put into it, primarily if the aforementioned research includes perspective from real world systems.
My opinion on it is kind of as you said: it's outdated. It's not necessarily incorrect in itself but it gives an incorrect picture of how it works and what it is.
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UPDATE: I have ANOTHER new pfp. I am entering my ENA arc.
It’s been over three months since anyone’s posted here. Might as well try and break the ice a little bit. I’ve talked about my own diagnoses plenty of times and how I hate using them as excuses, but I’m starting to think that my work life is never going to be fulfilling no matter what I do. It’s bad enough that I can never stay committed to anything in the long term, whether it be an interest or hobby or wanting to work in a certain field, but I’m a young man in my 20s now and I feel nothing in the life I feel like I’ve been somewhat forced into for lack of better word. I’ve felt this way since I graduated college, and if I didn’t know any better I would say that the entire experience was a complete waste of time and energy. I’m stuck here now with a 21 year old autism diagnosis that’s almost certainly outdated, an ADHD diagnosis from within the past year, inherited depression, “social anxiety” and no idea what to do with my life.
I know that all of this is supposedly normal or whatever, but I’m really not asking for much in my life. I can tell you right now I have absolutely no interest in raising my own family or living with other people for the foreseeable future. I went into human/social services because I genuinely thought my college degree would mean something and I could try and help other people in our community for a living, but now all I want is just to be able to help myself before I can even think about helping others. I want to make as few “life changing decisions” as possible and preferably stay as far away from anyone who’s upset or stressed out about things. I don’t need the world to be absolutely perfect for me or anything like that. I feel like my chronic overthinking (which is apparently not OCD) creates many more problems for people than it solves, including here in this very site when I’ve tried showing off my special interests. Because that’s just it, right. I rarely ever actually “liked” anything growing up. I had special interests, more specifically I went through phases of interests. Only my collection of Nintendo games really ever felt like a true childhood hobby in the usual sense.
So now we get back to my initial question I have for myself. How in the world am I supposed to turn any of this into a sustainable working career? The fact that I have a college degree at all is… shocking, in hindsight, but was it even necessary or should I make use of it anyway? I don’t want that to feel like it was a waste of time and energy like I said earlier. If I have it I might as well use the darn thing, right? My paid internship I’m at now ends around Thanksgiving but I keep forgetting if I’m supposed to immediately have a new job coming out of this one or if I even have any talents worth considering for a stressful career for the next who-knows-how many years of my life, because there is absolutely zero shot I’m going ever to be able to retire if the economy keeps going the way it is. And all of that is assuming anyone would want to hire my neurodivergent ahh in the first place and treat me well enough to convince me to want to stay there!
I know that all of this is supposedly normal or whatever, but I’m really not asking for much in my life. I can tell you right now I have absolutely no interest in raising my own family or living with other people for the foreseeable future. I went into human/social services because I genuinely thought my college degree would mean something and I could try and help other people in our community for a living, but now all I want is just to be able to help myself before I can even think about helping others. I want to make as few “life changing decisions” as possible and preferably stay as far away from anyone who’s upset or stressed out about things. I don’t need the world to be absolutely perfect for me or anything like that. I feel like my chronic overthinking (which is apparently not OCD) creates many more problems for people than it solves, including here in this very site when I’ve tried showing off my special interests. Because that’s just it, right. I rarely ever actually “liked” anything growing up. I had special interests, more specifically I went through phases of interests. Only my collection of Nintendo games really ever felt like a true childhood hobby in the usual sense.
So now we get back to my initial question I have for myself. How in the world am I supposed to turn any of this into a sustainable working career? The fact that I have a college degree at all is… shocking, in hindsight, but was it even necessary or should I make use of it anyway? I don’t want that to feel like it was a waste of time and energy like I said earlier. If I have it I might as well use the darn thing, right? My paid internship I’m at now ends around Thanksgiving but I keep forgetting if I’m supposed to immediately have a new job coming out of this one or if I even have any talents worth considering for a stressful career for the next who-knows-how many years of my life, because there is absolutely zero shot I’m going ever to be able to retire if the economy keeps going the way it is. And all of that is assuming anyone would want to hire my neurodivergent ahh in the first place and treat me well enough to convince me to want to stay there!
Follow up to the post above, New revelations since the last time (idk, a year or so ago? last year?) I posted things here.
If any of y'all could relate to any of the things I am having, I would love some tips to combat them.
Although not so obvious at first, I believe a large chunk (Not like 20 30% large chunk, more like 60+% large chunk) of the active folks here are neurodivergent, as we know being fixated on something niche or maybe not niche is kind of our thing, even if I don't know WHY is it our thing, it really is just the way it is. At the same time, I am a person who also loves to derail conversations jumping from one topic just like how I was talking about one thing the previous sentence and something else now, its a strange habit that I really do not have an answer for, though when others do it to me I continue with whatever they pivoted to like nothing is happening.
I also got an ADHD and Depression diagnosis! As much as some people think that getting diagnosed with these mental disorders is not a good thing, you gotta know that not getting is diagnosed is worse, as denying it exists or not knowing you have it doesn't mean it will go away, both of these diagnoses really gave me answers to all of these issues I have been having, such as being unable to be productive and do my assignments / work even if it will only take 10 minutes, even if it is in front of me! it drives me insane not being able to effectively push myself to do such trivial things for normal people such as remembering things and being on time and being organized and focusing in class and taking notes while also being able to listen and record your moves in chess while thinking and more.... I thought some medication would fix it all but thats where Depression comes to play, as it cuts down on my motivation heavily on top of being unable to focus and follow a routine and be on task and stuff... The fact I am writing a wall of text here instead of doing my schoolwork is already a clear sign.
ASD, ADHD, Depression, and potentially more (Aphantasia, perhaps?) disorders plagued me for life, and I have always wondered what is it like to be a normal person who can function normally, be on time, focus and more in life, me first learning that my struggles were not normal felt mind blowing to me, I just thought I sucked and everybody else just pushed through! Despite disorders really making life hard for ND people like me, online polls say that a lot of people would not want to thanos snap away their struggles and disabilities away for some reason, even though it often made their life so much harder, many people just wouldn't wanna get rid of them. Why? Why wouldn't people want to be able to function normally and make your life so much easier? I would gladly snap it away from myself, as being able to think differently and having nice hobbies isn't exclusive to being ND (I think), and there are no benefits to keeping the disorder around to drag you down, but idk what are your guy's and gal's thoughts on this?
On a side note, apparently normal people are able to visualize vivid images of stuff in their heads, explains why I sucked so much at imagery and sometimes writing, all I can manage is vague flashes and shapes, thinking vivid images was people hallucinating!
Uhhhhhhhh I have so much more to write but I am too lazy to write all of it down and stuff...
(I know, the grammar sucks on this post, but I was aiming to get it done quickly, so quality took a dip. I cannot focus for any longer even though I stay away from TikTok and shorts like illegal substances. Don't mind me changing topics like flipping a book either, If I Had the patience, focus and more time I would also go into how the people around me interacted, how I feel lonely asf irl with hardly anybody relatable and how me being Chinese really influenced my experiences but idk... y'all who are able to read the entire thing without breaking focus are lucky to be able to do that...)
If any of y'all could relate to any of the things I am having, I would love some tips to combat them.
Although not so obvious at first, I believe a large chunk (Not like 20 30% large chunk, more like 60+% large chunk) of the active folks here are neurodivergent, as we know being fixated on something niche or maybe not niche is kind of our thing, even if I don't know WHY is it our thing, it really is just the way it is. At the same time, I am a person who also loves to derail conversations jumping from one topic just like how I was talking about one thing the previous sentence and something else now, its a strange habit that I really do not have an answer for, though when others do it to me I continue with whatever they pivoted to like nothing is happening.
I also got an ADHD and Depression diagnosis! As much as some people think that getting diagnosed with these mental disorders is not a good thing, you gotta know that not getting is diagnosed is worse, as denying it exists or not knowing you have it doesn't mean it will go away, both of these diagnoses really gave me answers to all of these issues I have been having, such as being unable to be productive and do my assignments / work even if it will only take 10 minutes, even if it is in front of me! it drives me insane not being able to effectively push myself to do such trivial things for normal people such as remembering things and being on time and being organized and focusing in class and taking notes while also being able to listen and record your moves in chess while thinking and more.... I thought some medication would fix it all but thats where Depression comes to play, as it cuts down on my motivation heavily on top of being unable to focus and follow a routine and be on task and stuff... The fact I am writing a wall of text here instead of doing my schoolwork is already a clear sign.
ASD, ADHD, Depression, and potentially more (Aphantasia, perhaps?) disorders plagued me for life, and I have always wondered what is it like to be a normal person who can function normally, be on time, focus and more in life, me first learning that my struggles were not normal felt mind blowing to me, I just thought I sucked and everybody else just pushed through! Despite disorders really making life hard for ND people like me, online polls say that a lot of people would not want to thanos snap away their struggles and disabilities away for some reason, even though it often made their life so much harder, many people just wouldn't wanna get rid of them. Why? Why wouldn't people want to be able to function normally and make your life so much easier? I would gladly snap it away from myself, as being able to think differently and having nice hobbies isn't exclusive to being ND (I think), and there are no benefits to keeping the disorder around to drag you down, but idk what are your guy's and gal's thoughts on this?
On a side note, apparently normal people are able to visualize vivid images of stuff in their heads, explains why I sucked so much at imagery and sometimes writing, all I can manage is vague flashes and shapes, thinking vivid images was people hallucinating!
Uhhhhhhhh I have so much more to write but I am too lazy to write all of it down and stuff...
(I know, the grammar sucks on this post, but I was aiming to get it done quickly, so quality took a dip. I cannot focus for any longer even though I stay away from TikTok and shorts like illegal substances. Don't mind me changing topics like flipping a book either, If I Had the patience, focus and more time I would also go into how the people around me interacted, how I feel lonely asf irl with hardly anybody relatable and how me being Chinese really influenced my experiences but idk... y'all who are able to read the entire thing without breaking focus are lucky to be able to do that...)
First of all happy new year.
In this post I want to talk about my experience with autism. More specifically ASD aka aspberger syndrome.
My parents claim to have known since I was a kid, but they only told me when I eventually found out myself.
Growing up, I distinctly remember a feeling of being different, but I dismissed it. After all, for all I knew everyone else could have been feeling the same way.
I've been pretty much feeling like an alien my whole life. To be clear I did and still have friends, but I suspect that my connections to people are different from those of neurotypicals. In general, I get along way better with other neurodivergent people than with neurotypicals. We might not be the same species of alien, but what we have in common is the fact that we are aliens in the first place - and we know it.
Basically the average nt just expects you to also be nt and writes you off as weird when you don't fit in.
I always have to adjust to communicating with someone who's brain is different from mine. Nts aren't used to this and are thus harder to communicate with.
It took a long time for me to learn how to properly interact with others and I'm still learning new things.
For example "don't do it to someone else if you don't want it done to you" is a lesson we all learn early on. It is entirely worthless for me because what I consider appropriate is not necessarily what others consider appropriate.
You might be surprised to learn that I never had issues with reading emotions. However, it was very hard for me to work with these emotions.
What causes these emotions? What effect do they have? How can I influence them? None of this is natural to me and I often had to learn it the hard way.
Being undiagnosed for a long time certainly didn't help.
My brain works differently and I need to take this into account whenever I try to learn... pretty much anything.
Personally I reject the term disability because it's very reductive. Autism does have its benefits; at least for me.
You might say I have the science kind of autism. For as long as I've known, math has felt very natural to me. I often say that I have a calculator in my brain because it's easier than explaining what's actually going on in there.
Being naturally good at maths and logic is pretty useful. Many nts study long and hard only to get worse results than me when I can't even be bothered to study. From my perspective, it's like everyone else has dyscalculia.
This extends further than just maths, but it's less extreme in other fields. Still, every now and then I'm surprised by how much nts struggle with tasks that seem very doable to me.
Basically my autism single handedly carries me through academia.
On the other side, you have my arch nemesis: executive dysfunction. I can't say for sure if my autism is the cause of this or if it's the only cause, but it sucks. While it's pretty easy for me to spend hours doing things that I'm passinonate about, it can be very difficult for me to do work that isn't interesting. This is especially bad when I'm not exactly sure about what I need to be doing or how I need to be doing it.
Tasks that I can't complete in one sitting are also pretty bad for me. I just like to get things done and not think about them again.
This leads to what I like to call Deadline Driven Developement.
Had I known that this would likely be a persistent issue, perhaps I would have tackled it sooner. Or maybe I would have procrastinated working on it anyway.
For now at least I'm forced to work on this because being a team lead kinda requires planning and making tasks and making sure that works actually gets done.
While autism does have its downsides, even if I had the choice, I'd still choose to be autistic.
Someone else said that it's bad to have charisma as your dump stat and I aggree, but at least for me it's managable.
Even if I had sky high charisma, the mere fact that I'm vulnerable to sensory overload would prevent me from making the most out of it.
For the record I think that having high charisma and an even spread of intelligence and motivation is optimal, but that's just not the kind of person I want to be.
I've talked a lot about how my autism affects me on the outside, but I haven't really touched on how it has affected me emotionally. I'm willing to share this too, but it requires a lot more reflection and honesty from me. Besides, I managed to take so long that it's already 1am so I think that's enough for today. Let me know if there's interest in a part 2 to this
In this post I want to talk about my experience with autism. More specifically ASD aka aspberger syndrome.
I feel like many people don't get what autism actually is. Some think it's just being quirky while others say it's a disability. I think one reason for this is mainly that the media has (at least until recently) done a bad job at representing autism. The other is that autism manifests can vary widely from person to person. For some it's inconvenient at worst, for others it's debilitating.
I will not try to explain what autism is in general. You can look it up if you like.
I can only speak for myself because that's the autism I'm mots familiar with.
I will not try to explain what autism is in general. You can look it up if you like.
I can only speak for myself because that's the autism I'm mots familiar with.
Growing up, I distinctly remember a feeling of being different, but I dismissed it. After all, for all I knew everyone else could have been feeling the same way.
I've been pretty much feeling like an alien my whole life. To be clear I did and still have friends, but I suspect that my connections to people are different from those of neurotypicals. In general, I get along way better with other neurodivergent people than with neurotypicals. We might not be the same species of alien, but what we have in common is the fact that we are aliens in the first place - and we know it.
Basically the average nt just expects you to also be nt and writes you off as weird when you don't fit in.
I always have to adjust to communicating with someone who's brain is different from mine. Nts aren't used to this and are thus harder to communicate with.
It took a long time for me to learn how to properly interact with others and I'm still learning new things.
For example "don't do it to someone else if you don't want it done to you" is a lesson we all learn early on. It is entirely worthless for me because what I consider appropriate is not necessarily what others consider appropriate.
You might be surprised to learn that I never had issues with reading emotions. However, it was very hard for me to work with these emotions.
What causes these emotions? What effect do they have? How can I influence them? None of this is natural to me and I often had to learn it the hard way.
Being undiagnosed for a long time certainly didn't help.
My brain works differently and I need to take this into account whenever I try to learn... pretty much anything.
Personally I reject the term disability because it's very reductive. Autism does have its benefits; at least for me.
You might say I have the science kind of autism. For as long as I've known, math has felt very natural to me. I often say that I have a calculator in my brain because it's easier than explaining what's actually going on in there.
Being naturally good at maths and logic is pretty useful. Many nts study long and hard only to get worse results than me when I can't even be bothered to study. From my perspective, it's like everyone else has dyscalculia.
This extends further than just maths, but it's less extreme in other fields. Still, every now and then I'm surprised by how much nts struggle with tasks that seem very doable to me.
Basically my autism single handedly carries me through academia.
On the other side, you have my arch nemesis: executive dysfunction. I can't say for sure if my autism is the cause of this or if it's the only cause, but it sucks. While it's pretty easy for me to spend hours doing things that I'm passinonate about, it can be very difficult for me to do work that isn't interesting. This is especially bad when I'm not exactly sure about what I need to be doing or how I need to be doing it.
Tasks that I can't complete in one sitting are also pretty bad for me. I just like to get things done and not think about them again.
This leads to what I like to call Deadline Driven Developement.
Had I known that this would likely be a persistent issue, perhaps I would have tackled it sooner. Or maybe I would have procrastinated working on it anyway.
For now at least I'm forced to work on this because being a team lead kinda requires planning and making tasks and making sure that works actually gets done.
While autism does have its downsides, even if I had the choice, I'd still choose to be autistic.
Someone else said that it's bad to have charisma as your dump stat and I aggree, but at least for me it's managable.
Even if I had sky high charisma, the mere fact that I'm vulnerable to sensory overload would prevent me from making the most out of it.
For the record I think that having high charisma and an even spread of intelligence and motivation is optimal, but that's just not the kind of person I want to be.
I've talked a lot about how my autism affects me on the outside, but I haven't really touched on how it has affected me emotionally. I'm willing to share this too, but it requires a lot more reflection and honesty from me. Besides, I managed to take so long that it's already 1am so I think that's enough for today. Let me know if there's interest in a part 2 to this
I was diagnosed with ADHD in my early 30s. I did quite well in school and didn't have all the "classic" symptoms, so it went undetected for a long time. But when my wife got diagnosed, I saw patterns that made me wonder if I had it, too.
Struggling to sleep my whole life, never stopping talking, a brain that runs faster than my mouth can process, and that intense brain fog that sets in the second something is boring were constants for me. I also really struggled with emotional regulation and rejection sensitivity.
Even after the diagnosis, I had major imposter syndrome. Not because I mind the label, but because I’d internalized so much of the "gifted but lazy" rhetoric from my parents that I questioned if I was just making excuses.
Meds have helped a ton - especially with focusing on boring tasks and, more importantly, regulating my emotions. I used to be able to "keep it in" and control my external reactions, but internally I’d "see red" if something annoyed me the right way. Now, I still get annoyed like anyone else, but I can actually return to baseline and let it go much faster.
The main thing I’ve learned is that ADHD presents so differently because there are many ways a dopamine deficiency can happen. Recently, I saw a geneticist with ADHD mention how looking at his own genes showed him exactly what was causing his specific dopamine issues. I’m a total genetics nerd and already had my 23andMe data, so I spent some time looking at the primary "ADHD genes" to understand how it presents in me.
There are many genes that contribute to ADHD symptoms, and while I researched as many as I could find, I'll just share a few key findings so I don't bore everyone. It turns out I clear dopamine four times faster than average. This is why I’m great in high-stress situations like exams or powerlifting, but I hit extreme boredom and brain fog in normal life. My body also produces the "fuel" for dopamine at a rate 30-40% worse than average - even though I have a way higher number of dopamine receptors than most. Suddenly, my whole life made sense.
I shared my alleles with Gemini AI and asked it to predict my school experience and childhood based only on those genes. It was scarily accurate; it read like something my parents could have written.
Now, I’m using that info to "bio-hack" my brain. I’m optimizing the timing for my medication, caffeine, and specific vitamins that assist my inhibited pathways. To be clear, the vitamins alone wouldn't give me this boost without the ADHD medication for the dopamine itself, but they have significantly improved how effective my medication is. It’s still early days, but the boost in my cognitive function has been almost as big as when I first started meds, all without increasing my dose or caffeine intake.
Struggling to sleep my whole life, never stopping talking, a brain that runs faster than my mouth can process, and that intense brain fog that sets in the second something is boring were constants for me. I also really struggled with emotional regulation and rejection sensitivity.
Even after the diagnosis, I had major imposter syndrome. Not because I mind the label, but because I’d internalized so much of the "gifted but lazy" rhetoric from my parents that I questioned if I was just making excuses.
Meds have helped a ton - especially with focusing on boring tasks and, more importantly, regulating my emotions. I used to be able to "keep it in" and control my external reactions, but internally I’d "see red" if something annoyed me the right way. Now, I still get annoyed like anyone else, but I can actually return to baseline and let it go much faster.
The main thing I’ve learned is that ADHD presents so differently because there are many ways a dopamine deficiency can happen. Recently, I saw a geneticist with ADHD mention how looking at his own genes showed him exactly what was causing his specific dopamine issues. I’m a total genetics nerd and already had my 23andMe data, so I spent some time looking at the primary "ADHD genes" to understand how it presents in me.
There are many genes that contribute to ADHD symptoms, and while I researched as many as I could find, I'll just share a few key findings so I don't bore everyone. It turns out I clear dopamine four times faster than average. This is why I’m great in high-stress situations like exams or powerlifting, but I hit extreme boredom and brain fog in normal life. My body also produces the "fuel" for dopamine at a rate 30-40% worse than average - even though I have a way higher number of dopamine receptors than most. Suddenly, my whole life made sense.
I shared my alleles with Gemini AI and asked it to predict my school experience and childhood based only on those genes. It was scarily accurate; it read like something my parents could have written.
Now, I’m using that info to "bio-hack" my brain. I’m optimizing the timing for my medication, caffeine, and specific vitamins that assist my inhibited pathways. To be clear, the vitamins alone wouldn't give me this boost without the ADHD medication for the dopamine itself, but they have significantly improved how effective my medication is. It’s still early days, but the boost in my cognitive function has been almost as big as when I first started meds, all without increasing my dose or caffeine intake.
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Recently I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder after being discharged to a wellness center.
With a family history of ADHD and noticing more and more signs over the past several years of high functioning Autism as well, I hope I’m able to get some sort of diagnosis to understand myself better.
With a family history of ADHD and noticing more and more signs over the past several years of high functioning Autism as well, I hope I’m able to get some sort of diagnosis to understand myself better.
speaking from experience why do people with autism or adhd when they meet they share one brain cell with each other one same idea or thought
mini rant because life has been putting me through The Device as of late
i really do not like the glorification of autism, whether it's the "autism is a superpower" diatribe preached by school counselors or the "im so quirky and autistic uwu" trend among the youth on sites like tiktok and instagram. autism isn't just acting socially awkward and having weird interests; it's also executive dysfunction, constant ostracization and being denied jobs for showing even the slightest signs of being neurodivergent, and all sorts of lovely comorbidities like anxiety, depression, and constant suicidal thoughts from a young age. show someone from one of the two groups i mentioned an actual autistic person, and i guarantee you they'll show them nothing but disgust and hatred for being weird.
i really do not like the glorification of autism, whether it's the "autism is a superpower" diatribe preached by school counselors or the "im so quirky and autistic uwu" trend among the youth on sites like tiktok and instagram. autism isn't just acting socially awkward and having weird interests; it's also executive dysfunction, constant ostracization and being denied jobs for showing even the slightest signs of being neurodivergent, and all sorts of lovely comorbidities like anxiety, depression, and constant suicidal thoughts from a young age. show someone from one of the two groups i mentioned an actual autistic person, and i guarantee you they'll show them nothing but disgust and hatred for being weird.
Hi! I recently became aware that I probably have a dissociative disorder. I'm normally hesitant about devoting too much time to things I haven't had diagnosed, but like, I've factually had extreme dissociative experiences, and my factual dissociative experiences have factually caused negative effects on my life, so I'm confident that I have some kind of disorder that involves some kind of dissociation. From a lot of work, I've figured out a lot about what's going on. I've indirectly talked about some of this in mental health posts elsewhere, but I lacked the current framing of dissociation. Here, I'll collate what I've learned into an explanation that also helps myself order my thinking on it.
It's not the types of dissociation people talk about most often, which is part of why it took me this long to realize. There's no information amnesia, I don't have fugue states, and I don't have alters or DID. So what is it?
Part 1: Symptom Breakdown
Here, I take a list of dissociative disorder symptoms from an online resource. I list ones which have applied to me with noteworthy intensity. I underline those that are or have been especially applicable. I shrink the font size for those that have been rarer. (Note: Many people have dissociative experiences sometimes without the intensity / frequency / negativity to create the psychological harm of a disorder.) This is not meant to be an exhaustive list of possibilities. It is just to get our feet set.
That's the big picture. In my efforts to strengthen my identity, I've learned and inferred a lot about what it means to struggle with identity, why I struggle with identity, and what I can do and have done to improve that struggle.
Part 2: What does it mean (for me) to struggle with identity?
I've processed my disordered dissociation in two main ways. First is a chronic dissociation that has been a part of most of my life. Second is an acute dissociation that has flared up at particular points, and is most strongly associated with a certain period of my life.
Chronic:
I rationally understand the information that I exist, that I have a self and a name, that I have preferences, desires, and goals. I rationally understand the information that other people exist, that objects exist, that ideas exist. I know this information both because, that's how sentience and life works, and because in gradual and sudden ways, I can internalize this information in a deeper way than the rational surface. It's almost like, people with psychosis take in stimuli that are not materialistically real, while I am (in my mind, not in my physical senses - though also for sensations like hunger and tiredness) partially numbed and muted to stimuli that are real. I have good information memory, but I struggle to relive and feel memories. Things struggle to bubble up to the surface.
The problem is not that I lack these constructs, or do not care about them, but I struggle to "see" them. Not literally, with my eyes – no hallucinations here – but trying to draw upon the connections and values in my mind is like trying to see through a thick fog. For example, I care about myself a whole lot, but when I look at myself in the mirror, it rarely clicks that this is me.
Fellow transgender people may relate to this mirror experience, and explain it as their physical appearance not reflecting their internal, gendered, self-perception. I explain my reaction in terms of expecting to look more feminine, and also simultaneously less gendered, and also more insectoid, and also more fairylike, and also more mechanical, and also more visceral, and fat and skinny and average build and tall and short and with short long free-flowing braided black brown red blue blonde green hair, and also completely unchanged from how I look right now in any way, all of that at the same time, or maybe not, with some amorphous weighting from my personal fluctuations of identifications and experience. This is obviously physically impossible. (And that's before you get to the sublayers. Insectoid how? With butterfly dragonfly ladybird moth wings from 8 species and insect spider legs and. You get the point. Many things are always missing.)
For another example, I act on goals that are hard for me and take much effort and strain, because they are important to me, and I complete them, but I often feel nothing for doing so. I had a need for that goal, and it was satisfied, so that need does not hurt me, but I rarely feel pride or joy, even when I've done an excellent job. I don't intuitively "see" the links between my values, my actions, esteem, worth, and emotion, leaving me often feeling disconnected.
Through much effort and learning, I have improved this ability to see, with mixed results. Sometimes, I can see things other people struggle to see, to make challenging patterns and connections. For example, I once, despite not feeling anxious then or recently, suddenly clicked into knowing that I would have an anxiety "character development arc" in some time. And a couple months later, it very explicitly happened as I thought it would. But, on the whole, in dimensions like experiencing emotions, my effortful attempts - while showing clear improvement from before - are still below the average of what most people achieve without effort.
Acute:
Sporadically, and especially often for a ~7 year period, I have sudden experiences where I strongly identify with something, which I call shocks. This description on its own is normal, and a super-category of the normal experience of empathy. There's a few differences between my experiences and empathy.
- My experiences identify with many things, including people (real or fictional), non-human living things, non-living things, and abstract ideas. Empathy is generally about people (real or fictional) and entities that the mind can see as human-like (like pets).
- My experiences are often (not always) defined by raw intensity. Empathy generally directs that intensity into a specific emotional channel, like sadness or joy or anger. I generally feel the intensity without that qualification. It is like an extreme focus state.
- Possibly resulting from the above, my experiences are very intense, often immobilzing (locking me down for a half hour or so, with variation) and very painful, much more on average than normal empathy. The suite of metaphors I've naturally cultivated reflects this – searing burning fire, electrocuting energy, surgery without anesthesia, bloody torture, annihilating death, and so on. They can be very intense and positive, but this is rarer.
- The more general nature of my experience offers a ton of internal variation, with different experiences allowing very different mental processes, which I often am unable to replicate. Once, I felt extremely control of my own emotions, that I chose to feel an emotion, and then just did like magic. Once, I wanted to remember something I had forgotten, so I just did remember it, much how one does move their limbs. For a couple days, I could "parallel process" my thoughts and operate them independently. A couple times, I was much more talkative and much less inconvenienced by talking.
I'm going to split this one up into two. The next half will talk about why I might struggle with identity, and what I've done and will do to improve it.
It's not the types of dissociation people talk about most often, which is part of why it took me this long to realize. There's no information amnesia, I don't have fugue states, and I don't have alters or DID. So what is it?
Part 1: Symptom Breakdown
Here, I take a list of dissociative disorder symptoms from an online resource. I list ones which have applied to me with noteworthy intensity. I underline those that are or have been especially applicable. I shrink the font size for those that have been rarer. (Note: Many people have dissociative experiences sometimes without the intensity / frequency / negativity to create the psychological harm of a disorder.) This is not meant to be an exhaustive list of possibilities. It is just to get our feet set.
Having difficulty remembering personal information
(Dissociative Amnesia. None apply).Travelling to a different location or taking on a new identity
(Dissociative Fugue. None apply.)Feeling like the world around you is unreal
(Derealization. Some apply.)- Feel detached or separate from the world around you
- See the world as 'lifeless' or 'foggy'
- Feel like you're seeing the world through a pane of glass
Feeling like you're looking at yourself from the outside
(Depersonalization. Some apply.)- Feel as though you are watching yourself in a film or looking at yourself from the outside
- Feel disconnected from parts of your body or your emotions
- Feel unsure of the boundaries between yourself and other people
Feeling your identity shift and change / Difficulty defining what kind of person you are
(Identity Alteration and Confusion. All apply.)- Switch between different parts of your personality
- Speak in a different voice or voices
- Use a different name or names
- Feel as if you are losing control to 'someone else'
- Experience different parts of your identity at different times
- Act like different people, including children
- Find it very difficult to define what kind of person you are
- Feel like your opinions, tastes, thoughts and beliefs change a lot
That's the big picture. In my efforts to strengthen my identity, I've learned and inferred a lot about what it means to struggle with identity, why I struggle with identity, and what I can do and have done to improve that struggle.
Part 2: What does it mean (for me) to struggle with identity?
I've processed my disordered dissociation in two main ways. First is a chronic dissociation that has been a part of most of my life. Second is an acute dissociation that has flared up at particular points, and is most strongly associated with a certain period of my life.
Chronic:
I rationally understand the information that I exist, that I have a self and a name, that I have preferences, desires, and goals. I rationally understand the information that other people exist, that objects exist, that ideas exist. I know this information both because, that's how sentience and life works, and because in gradual and sudden ways, I can internalize this information in a deeper way than the rational surface. It's almost like, people with psychosis take in stimuli that are not materialistically real, while I am (in my mind, not in my physical senses - though also for sensations like hunger and tiredness) partially numbed and muted to stimuli that are real. I have good information memory, but I struggle to relive and feel memories. Things struggle to bubble up to the surface.
The problem is not that I lack these constructs, or do not care about them, but I struggle to "see" them. Not literally, with my eyes – no hallucinations here – but trying to draw upon the connections and values in my mind is like trying to see through a thick fog. For example, I care about myself a whole lot, but when I look at myself in the mirror, it rarely clicks that this is me.
Fellow transgender people may relate to this mirror experience, and explain it as their physical appearance not reflecting their internal, gendered, self-perception. I explain my reaction in terms of expecting to look more feminine, and also simultaneously less gendered, and also more insectoid, and also more fairylike, and also more mechanical, and also more visceral, and fat and skinny and average build and tall and short and with short long free-flowing braided black brown red blue blonde green hair, and also completely unchanged from how I look right now in any way, all of that at the same time, or maybe not, with some amorphous weighting from my personal fluctuations of identifications and experience. This is obviously physically impossible. (And that's before you get to the sublayers. Insectoid how? With butterfly dragonfly ladybird moth wings from 8 species and insect spider legs and. You get the point. Many things are always missing.)
For another example, I act on goals that are hard for me and take much effort and strain, because they are important to me, and I complete them, but I often feel nothing for doing so. I had a need for that goal, and it was satisfied, so that need does not hurt me, but I rarely feel pride or joy, even when I've done an excellent job. I don't intuitively "see" the links between my values, my actions, esteem, worth, and emotion, leaving me often feeling disconnected.
Through much effort and learning, I have improved this ability to see, with mixed results. Sometimes, I can see things other people struggle to see, to make challenging patterns and connections. For example, I once, despite not feeling anxious then or recently, suddenly clicked into knowing that I would have an anxiety "character development arc" in some time. And a couple months later, it very explicitly happened as I thought it would. But, on the whole, in dimensions like experiencing emotions, my effortful attempts - while showing clear improvement from before - are still below the average of what most people achieve without effort.
Acute:
Sporadically, and especially often for a ~7 year period, I have sudden experiences where I strongly identify with something, which I call shocks. This description on its own is normal, and a super-category of the normal experience of empathy. There's a few differences between my experiences and empathy.
- My experiences identify with many things, including people (real or fictional), non-human living things, non-living things, and abstract ideas. Empathy is generally about people (real or fictional) and entities that the mind can see as human-like (like pets).
- My experiences are often (not always) defined by raw intensity. Empathy generally directs that intensity into a specific emotional channel, like sadness or joy or anger. I generally feel the intensity without that qualification. It is like an extreme focus state.
- Possibly resulting from the above, my experiences are very intense, often immobilzing (locking me down for a half hour or so, with variation) and very painful, much more on average than normal empathy. The suite of metaphors I've naturally cultivated reflects this – searing burning fire, electrocuting energy, surgery without anesthesia, bloody torture, annihilating death, and so on. They can be very intense and positive, but this is rarer.
- The more general nature of my experience offers a ton of internal variation, with different experiences allowing very different mental processes, which I often am unable to replicate. Once, I felt extremely control of my own emotions, that I chose to feel an emotion, and then just did like magic. Once, I wanted to remember something I had forgotten, so I just did remember it, much how one does move their limbs. For a couple days, I could "parallel process" my thoughts and operate them independently. A couple times, I was much more talkative and much less inconvenienced by talking.
I'm going to split this one up into two. The next half will talk about why I might struggle with identity, and what I've done and will do to improve it.
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Part 3: Why is Identity Hard for Me?
There are a lot of balls in the air. These are listed in no particular order. There's plenty of potential for them to interlink with each other.
Developmental Trauma: Like a lot of other people with autism, normal childhood development did not come naturally to me. I was socially averse (read "uninterested," not "hostile"), did not talk, and was physically uncoordinated enough that I couldn't properly use a pencil. As young as 2, I was grinding away on these issues, thrust into painful challenges and contexts to sink or swim. These experiences were forced on me out of love, to prevent me from being held back in life from, like, literally not being able to talk to people. And I can like, talk to people and use pencils and stuff, which is priceless for living my life. I'm not resentful. But at some point, that's not a normal childhood, and childhood trauma is linked to at least some identity disorders, so there might be a role here. Also, this need to work my ass off at a young age has parallels in some specific forms my dissociation challenges have taken at some past times, forms like "How do I justify living my life as my self when I could be working as a tool to help some worthwhile cause?" Also possibly related, dissociation also became a stress avoidance strategy for me.
Unfamiliarity / Alienation with Others: It's no secret to people who know me that I'm an eccentric oddball. There's lots of joys in coming at the world with a new perspective that's undeniably mine. And the following will likely ring true for many other people with autism or other neurodiversity. But it can be very alienating to look at all the people around you and realize how different they are from you. Long before I knew I had autism, as a child I could instinctively tell that I was operating on a different wavelength. The way I think about it, I come into contact with someone who reads as "on my wavelength" about once every "life period." 1-2 in elementary / middle school, one in high school, you get the idea. It's tough to feel at home in your own skin sometimes, especially as a kid, even when everyone around you is great and you're happy to be with them and engage with all their diversity, when you don't recognize yourself in most of your family or friends or authority figures. Even when it comes to media and fiction, I both struggle to self-insert and find characters who share wavelengths with me.
Bottom-Up Perspective: I approach the world and its ideas with an especially bottom-up perspective. To explain what I mean, in a world where other people are more interested in building Lego houses, I'm more interested in building really solid Lego bricks. I love to dig in one property, one feature, one cutscene or moment, from something I want to analyze – including myself. For a long period, I was passionately collecting and refining the most important bricks that made me, me, and these individual bricks often flared up more individually, and less connected to the whole picture of myself. This might come as a shocker, but understanding one's human self from an atomic bottom-up perspective is... hard! The human self is a top-down concept with obscenely complicated foundations and interlinkages. I learned a lot, but if I had ever got to the point of making a rock-solid bottom-up understanding of what it means to have an identity, I'd take 4800 years and win every philosophical prize award forever.
Openness, Consistency, and Detail: Part of my identity being less solid is because it's not closed off. I'm naturally very aware of my capacity for change, to find new things I really love and identify with that help develop my identity further. I'm very open-minded and willing to entertain a lot of possibilities, including obscure, taboo, and self-conflicting possibilities. There's a lot that I think is important and cool and valuable and me, and it's hard to balance it all!
Self-conflict is especially relevant. We know that humans can be self-conflicting, hypocritical, dualistic, and all related to that. The same person can devotedly labor or shamelessly slack off, even on the same project. People value honesty and lie, swing from saintly kindness to demonic cruelty. People often are not immensely interested in reconciling and acknowledging these contradictions. They will be one way one time and one way another time, and that's that. But I especially strongly value consistently sticking by myself and what's important to me - I'm very passionate - and I'm open to the possibility that I've betrayed part of my identity. I have a fine-grained attunement to identity, and easily sense perceived violations, even when specifically crafting a specific single sentence. That self-monitoring, and desire to be accountable for and rectify violations, can be paralyzing.
Part 4: How Have I Strengthened my Identity?
I've made a lot of progress and plan to make much more. There are some more tangible steps, like journaling, but I want to focus on like concepts here. Here are some important insights I've established and committed to on that road. They also interrelate.
1. I never have to do anything (or not do anything) for any reason.
This may read oddly. I mean it very literally. There are lots of stuff I want to do because it relates to something I value, but I am never broken or wrong to exist for acting one way or another. I could be flawed or limited, sure. Those are indeed things that people are. Being flawed or limited and making mistakes does not make me not exist or degrade my existence. Realizing this helped me moderate my self-policing to healthier, less-existential levels and accept some hypocrisy and limitation as part of myself. Relatedly,
2. When I am flawed and make mistakes, I still love myself.
I realized I was being unhealthily perfectionist, but was in a bit of a bind, because I rationally realized it was okay to make mistakes (Woah! My custom custom title!) but was still missing a spark to stop beating the shit out myself internally for making them. I calmed down when, instead of running away from my reaction to my mistakes, trying to avoid it, I just embraced my own reaction, which was full of love and mercy and understanding. I really love this quote from Slay the Princess.
The Player: It doesn’t matter how many times I go back. At least one of us always hurts the other. Doesn’t that change you? Doesn’t that make you worse?
[Their Counterpart]: It changes me, but it doesn’t make me any worse, nor does it make me care for you any less. Does it make you worse? Do you resent me?
The Player: If anything, it makes me like you more. I don’t know what that says about me.
[Their Counterpart]: It says that your heart is gentle. That even in the darkness, you are guided by compassion.
3. Some things are invulnerable to my thought loops. Some things just exist, period.
No matter how I feel about my identity in the moment, I can touch my body and it will be there. Similarly, even when I do not see my identity and struggle to identify with myself, I can know that my identity is still there.
4. I can and will choose to be irrational sometimes.
Even when it feels like the math says I "should" not have faith in my identity's existence, or my ability to strengthen my identity, I can choose to believe in myself anyway. Nobody's going to stop me. I can choose to believe anything I want, and it not making sense is not a wall in my way, just one of many factors I care about that I can manage. I want to hope, and I will.
5. Seemingly conflicting ideas I identify with can strengthen each other. If I care about many things, my choice to choose one over the other possibilities is even more meaningful and powerful. Counterparts help give each other meaning. Yin exists in relation to yang and both support each other.
6. Whatever I do or say or believe is me being myself. Even when something feels disconnected from my identity and me being myself, it does not have to be disconnected, and maybe my self-concept is too narrow.
7. Sometimes, when I'm conflicted between multiple possibilities, every individual choice is a losing option, because I want to integrate them all. I can find a way to do that, like by seeing myself more top-down than bottom-up, or just accept a losing option without losing even further by trying to sieve out an impossible win.
8. Seeing myself as myself helps me feel safe and calm where other things fail to.
Cheers.
There are a lot of balls in the air. These are listed in no particular order. There's plenty of potential for them to interlink with each other.
Developmental Trauma: Like a lot of other people with autism, normal childhood development did not come naturally to me. I was socially averse (read "uninterested," not "hostile"), did not talk, and was physically uncoordinated enough that I couldn't properly use a pencil. As young as 2, I was grinding away on these issues, thrust into painful challenges and contexts to sink or swim. These experiences were forced on me out of love, to prevent me from being held back in life from, like, literally not being able to talk to people. And I can like, talk to people and use pencils and stuff, which is priceless for living my life. I'm not resentful. But at some point, that's not a normal childhood, and childhood trauma is linked to at least some identity disorders, so there might be a role here. Also, this need to work my ass off at a young age has parallels in some specific forms my dissociation challenges have taken at some past times, forms like "How do I justify living my life as my self when I could be working as a tool to help some worthwhile cause?" Also possibly related, dissociation also became a stress avoidance strategy for me.
Unfamiliarity / Alienation with Others: It's no secret to people who know me that I'm an eccentric oddball. There's lots of joys in coming at the world with a new perspective that's undeniably mine. And the following will likely ring true for many other people with autism or other neurodiversity. But it can be very alienating to look at all the people around you and realize how different they are from you. Long before I knew I had autism, as a child I could instinctively tell that I was operating on a different wavelength. The way I think about it, I come into contact with someone who reads as "on my wavelength" about once every "life period." 1-2 in elementary / middle school, one in high school, you get the idea. It's tough to feel at home in your own skin sometimes, especially as a kid, even when everyone around you is great and you're happy to be with them and engage with all their diversity, when you don't recognize yourself in most of your family or friends or authority figures. Even when it comes to media and fiction, I both struggle to self-insert and find characters who share wavelengths with me.
Bottom-Up Perspective: I approach the world and its ideas with an especially bottom-up perspective. To explain what I mean, in a world where other people are more interested in building Lego houses, I'm more interested in building really solid Lego bricks. I love to dig in one property, one feature, one cutscene or moment, from something I want to analyze – including myself. For a long period, I was passionately collecting and refining the most important bricks that made me, me, and these individual bricks often flared up more individually, and less connected to the whole picture of myself. This might come as a shocker, but understanding one's human self from an atomic bottom-up perspective is... hard! The human self is a top-down concept with obscenely complicated foundations and interlinkages. I learned a lot, but if I had ever got to the point of making a rock-solid bottom-up understanding of what it means to have an identity, I'd take 4800 years and win every philosophical prize award forever.
Openness, Consistency, and Detail: Part of my identity being less solid is because it's not closed off. I'm naturally very aware of my capacity for change, to find new things I really love and identify with that help develop my identity further. I'm very open-minded and willing to entertain a lot of possibilities, including obscure, taboo, and self-conflicting possibilities. There's a lot that I think is important and cool and valuable and me, and it's hard to balance it all!
Self-conflict is especially relevant. We know that humans can be self-conflicting, hypocritical, dualistic, and all related to that. The same person can devotedly labor or shamelessly slack off, even on the same project. People value honesty and lie, swing from saintly kindness to demonic cruelty. People often are not immensely interested in reconciling and acknowledging these contradictions. They will be one way one time and one way another time, and that's that. But I especially strongly value consistently sticking by myself and what's important to me - I'm very passionate - and I'm open to the possibility that I've betrayed part of my identity. I have a fine-grained attunement to identity, and easily sense perceived violations, even when specifically crafting a specific single sentence. That self-monitoring, and desire to be accountable for and rectify violations, can be paralyzing.
Part 4: How Have I Strengthened my Identity?
I've made a lot of progress and plan to make much more. There are some more tangible steps, like journaling, but I want to focus on like concepts here. Here are some important insights I've established and committed to on that road. They also interrelate.
1. I never have to do anything (or not do anything) for any reason.
This may read oddly. I mean it very literally. There are lots of stuff I want to do because it relates to something I value, but I am never broken or wrong to exist for acting one way or another. I could be flawed or limited, sure. Those are indeed things that people are. Being flawed or limited and making mistakes does not make me not exist or degrade my existence. Realizing this helped me moderate my self-policing to healthier, less-existential levels and accept some hypocrisy and limitation as part of myself. Relatedly,
2. When I am flawed and make mistakes, I still love myself.
I realized I was being unhealthily perfectionist, but was in a bit of a bind, because I rationally realized it was okay to make mistakes (Woah! My custom custom title!) but was still missing a spark to stop beating the shit out myself internally for making them. I calmed down when, instead of running away from my reaction to my mistakes, trying to avoid it, I just embraced my own reaction, which was full of love and mercy and understanding. I really love this quote from Slay the Princess.
The Player: It doesn’t matter how many times I go back. At least one of us always hurts the other. Doesn’t that change you? Doesn’t that make you worse?
[Their Counterpart]: It changes me, but it doesn’t make me any worse, nor does it make me care for you any less. Does it make you worse? Do you resent me?
The Player: If anything, it makes me like you more. I don’t know what that says about me.
[Their Counterpart]: It says that your heart is gentle. That even in the darkness, you are guided by compassion.
3. Some things are invulnerable to my thought loops. Some things just exist, period.
No matter how I feel about my identity in the moment, I can touch my body and it will be there. Similarly, even when I do not see my identity and struggle to identify with myself, I can know that my identity is still there.
4. I can and will choose to be irrational sometimes.
Even when it feels like the math says I "should" not have faith in my identity's existence, or my ability to strengthen my identity, I can choose to believe in myself anyway. Nobody's going to stop me. I can choose to believe anything I want, and it not making sense is not a wall in my way, just one of many factors I care about that I can manage. I want to hope, and I will.
5. Seemingly conflicting ideas I identify with can strengthen each other. If I care about many things, my choice to choose one over the other possibilities is even more meaningful and powerful. Counterparts help give each other meaning. Yin exists in relation to yang and both support each other.
6. Whatever I do or say or believe is me being myself. Even when something feels disconnected from my identity and me being myself, it does not have to be disconnected, and maybe my self-concept is too narrow.
7. Sometimes, when I'm conflicted between multiple possibilities, every individual choice is a losing option, because I want to integrate them all. I can find a way to do that, like by seeing myself more top-down than bottom-up, or just accept a losing option without losing even further by trying to sieve out an impossible win.
8. Seeing myself as myself helps me feel safe and calm where other things fail to.
Cheers.
Ok, I am like almost a year late for this, but for curiosity sake I still have some questions...
I am like the lest informed person on this topic around here, so expect stupid questions but here I go...
I have heard online that this DID has ways of treatment, whether it be to have the two personas cooperate (which I think is what you are doing right now) or to merge the two together, but how do the two personas communicate in the first instance, and how could the second be done?
These are functional multiplicity and integration.
Functional multiplicity is making it so members of a given DID system are able to communicate with one another more seamlessly, and so the barriers around memories and general communication are less present. This communication is not too unlike an inner monologue in nature; unlike schizophrenia or psychosis you aren’t literally hearing the voices. This is usually what DID systems do and typically this helps make it so day-to-day living is as safe and functional as possible, while making it so you can unpack and work on your trauma.
The second is, bluntly, misguided and mostly a product of outdated psychiatric therapy. Integration is the equivalent of trying to take a broken glass and repair the shards with super glue. Not only is the “glass” still non-functional, but the core problem (the shattered glass) is still present and creating problems. The formation of a DID system is not addressed in the integration process which leads to splitting happening anyway, meaning that to stay “integrated” you’ll need life-long therapy. It is not often recommended by contemporary psychiatrists.