Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread

[7Cache7]

Hi guys, I had just decided to register anew (after ages without even opening Showdown) to dive into competitive again... Although I kept following Pokémon to a certain degree, I didn't really play the competitive. Then, scrolling down I find there is a Mental Health thread! Wow, congrats and thanks to the people who made and make it possible, I think it really matters to give visibility to mental health and mental problems in places like this too. After all, a lot of people probably discovers competitive Pokémon and Smogon in their adolescence. I remember that just the name of it, "mental health", was something alien and rarely mentioned when I grew up, but I'm very glad kids grow up today knowing at least that mental health is a thing. Even if it's just that.

I also believe that sharing your story is very important, and you guys make that possible here too! That's just awesome, because a forum like this one might be the only safe place for some people to open up. And, sometimes, sharing your story and your struggles gives "permission" to the other person to also open up about their own problems without feeling so ashamed or lonely. To make some platform, no matter how tiny, in a forum like this one, about videogames, is awesome and important beyond words. Thanks again.

Finally, I wanted to drop by just to share a couple of things. I struggled with problems at home, bullying at school, depression and anxiety during my adolescence and into my twenties, so I have some understanding of what some of you may be feeling right now, regardless of our different circumstances. In my case, I spent years and years of trial and error, searching for the right therapist, the right supporting medication, etc. I've had very good days, I've had very dark days. I've kept fighting, I've given up, I've kept fighting again... And I can't explain the whole of it just in some paragraphs, but just let me tell you today, things do get better eventually, if you just keep going and reach out again and again. You're truly not alone. Don't stop looking for help if you need it, please. If you need to talk, I'm here to listen. Take care guys.

 

[Azure]

Hello
its been a very long time since I've been on PS or the forums, but I've recently gotten very interested in it all again
I mainly left because of a severe burnout I was experiencing at the time, and significant mental health struggles
but I've had a lot of fun on PS since I've come back. I am rediscovering my passion for playing this game and having a genuinely good time with it.
a lot of my old friends are still around, and I got welcomed back pretty warmly, which I honestly didn't expect, and that meant a lot to me.
I regret leaving to begin with. I often wonder how things would have turned out if I didn't. It was a drastic decision that I made out of a place of being overwhelmed by a lot at once. But I was not in a good headspace, and it felt like the best, simplest solution was to completely step away from everything for a while.
irl has sadly gotten much harder, but I feel I have an easier time handling things than I used to.
PS is certainly giving me something to be invested in and enjoy in tough times, so I'm happy for that.
I missed out on a lot, and I gave up a lot of things that I valued
but I'm figuring things out each day at a time
and again, I am having fun being back

 

[Light Sanctity]

I originally was going to wait to make this post but things have been rapidly accelerating in the downwards direction and if I don't write it all out I'll explode. No tw, just spoilering because it's long

Spoiler

I've been pretty open about the fact that I'm planning on stepping down from my positions once Slam ends, which comes from a number of factors. First, Slam ends right around the time I'll be graduating, so I'll be busy with moving, applying to grad school, finding a job, and other life shit. But the second is that, to be frank, this site has done a fucking number on my mental health.

Being User Safety Lead is good, meaningful work, and I'm happy if anything I did at all helped to make the site even a little bit safer, but it kind of shreds your mental wellbeing. I think talking about a lot of it is probably against some rule since a lot of what I have read in my three(ish) years of user safety work ends with someone on the Noteworthy Banned Users List for "inappropriate sexual conduct," so I'll just say that it gets draining and there's really only so much of that kind of thing you can read before you hit your limit, and I hit mine a long time ago but kept forcing myself through it because I thought I had to.

I wish I could say that being a TD was good, meaningful work, but I can't. No offense to my fellow TDs and especially Merritt who tried so hard for me, but this position absolutely was not worth it and I regret ever asking to do it. This past SPL especially put me at my limit, and I would've stepped down by now if I hadn't already committed to hosting Slam. Ever since becoming a TD, it's been palpable how much more hostilely people view me and how much more hostile of a person I've become and I hate both of these changes. I've made mistakes as a TD and as SS and I'll be the first to admit that but some of the reactions are just uncalled for. I ruled activity against your team, I didn't murder a puppy in front of you.

There's been other, smaller stuff too. For example, I helped with organizing and writing PRs for this SPL, which, if you've never participated in this process, is a lot of fucking work. It's a huge crunch and you're constantly fighting with people to get their rankings in and then you have like three or four days to make sure everyone's shit is written and it gets published before the tour starts and you get it all out on time and then everyone tells you how much they hate them and that they like the unofficial ones better. Or I helped spearhead the effort to get manager feedback for official team tournaments off the ground and did my best to get people to fill them out and then got them communicated to managers only for people (not talking about you @ Ruiners) to not be happy with how the feedback was communicated and upset that stuff was anonymous and that feedback wasn't detailed enough like I'm not just working with what their players gave me and if one of your players decides they want to send you multiple paragraphs of non-anonymized feedback, that's great for them and I'm glad you think that's so much better than the efforts I'm making and you feel the need to tell me that.

A lot of this is TD-centric because that's been the biggest stressor Smogon-side for a while now. SPL manager feedback was actually the thing that made me decide to quit for good (alongside a couple friends encouraging me to look after myself), since I got to read all of that feedback and got to hear about what a great time a lot of people had. How they had amazing managers, their team environment was great, they're so excited to play again next year. And all I got from SPL XV was yelled at. Like a lot. And a few very unsavory accusations that are best not repeated here that you certainly would not see made at a male TD lol. If you ask stours, I deserve to be yelled at because I jerk in a position of power or something, which is obviously infinitely worse than them jerking out of positions of power since I should just be a punching bag for them.

But reading about how much fun everyone else had made me realize how fucking miserable I have been. I thought that if I just tried my hardest to make things better for people, people would appreciate it. I was wrong and stupid to think this. As a close friend put it to me, "if you put all that effort that you do staffing into playing the game, you might be an SPL level player by now" and I can't argue with that. I want to have the same fun and make the same friends and have the same positive experiences everyone else gets to.

My biggest regret is that I've likely alienated most of the community away from me. As my mental health declines, there's a notable shift in how much I lash out at people and how sarcastic and mean I am, not to excuse it but to explain it. I know this has resulted in a lot of people calling me fake, talking shit about me behind my back, I've seen the logs and I know what they've said. I feel like I've effectively ruined my chances of having a normal, enjoyable time as a player since everyone kind of hates me now. That's largely my fault since I wasn't the nicest I could've been during SPL and it's just been getting worse.

Logging in has become a stressor, my anxiety has been manifesting to an insane degree, I'm physically twitching, I'm having a hard time sleeping, I woke up at 3 AM this morning to throw up from the stress. I can't remember the last time it was this bad. Smogon isn't the only stressor in my life, not by far, since I'm in the middle of the semester ending with six classes that means I have multiple major end-of-semester projects and multiple final exams to contend with in the next two weeks and I have a number of other Life Stressors like the impending ending of my schooling this summer meaning I will lose my therapist and my housing. So Smogon isn't the biggest stressor by a long shot, but every time I log in, every time I interact with the community here, it's a reminder of my shortcomings and the person I've become, a person I hate because she's turbulent and angry and prone to lashing out. It's a reminder that my best is never good enough and I've effectively sabotaged myself into the position I am today. To a lot of people, that's probably a lot of weight to assign to an online Pokemon forum, and I'm sure people will read this and laugh, but when you have nothing else in your life because your family hates you and you have no friends, this is what happens to you.

Thanks for reading if you did and sorry for wasting your time. I just needed to get it out there.

Lots of folks here on the site (and for anyone else) would very likely wish you well and hope things relax. Many of us can relate to various aspects of what you stated. My biggest comment I'd post is that someone does in fact care for you, your well-being, and so on. There are tons of people on this earth (this is something I struggle with too). In addition, the person who you can talk to. Could perhaps keep in contact somehow whether it is virtual call (zoom), or a phone call. The people who do care will aleays reach out when they can. Always support yourself and keep your head high, as the moment self-doubt seeps it will surround you quick. Having a support system no matter how small will help. Can always bump my DM (same username)

 

[Oglemi]

I originally was going to wait to make this post but things have been rapidly accelerating in the downwards direction and if I don't write it all out I'll explode. No tw, just spoilering because it's long

Spoiler

I've been pretty open about the fact that I'm planning on stepping down from my positions once Slam ends, which comes from a number of factors. First, Slam ends right around the time I'll be graduating, so I'll be busy with moving, applying to grad school, finding a job, and other life shit. But the second is that, to be frank, this site has done a fucking number on my mental health.

Being User Safety Lead is good, meaningful work, and I'm happy if anything I did at all helped to make the site even a little bit safer, but it kind of shreds your mental wellbeing. I think talking about a lot of it is probably against some rule since a lot of what I have read in my three(ish) years of user safety work ends with someone on the Noteworthy Banned Users List for "inappropriate sexual conduct," so I'll just say that it gets draining and there's really only so much of that kind of thing you can read before you hit your limit, and I hit mine a long time ago but kept forcing myself through it because I thought I had to.

I wish I could say that being a TD was good, meaningful work, but I can't. No offense to my fellow TDs and especially Merritt who tried so hard for me, but this position absolutely was not worth it and I regret ever asking to do it. This past SPL especially put me at my limit, and I would've stepped down by now if I hadn't already committed to hosting Slam. Ever since becoming a TD, it's been palpable how much more hostilely people view me and how much more hostile of a person I've become and I hate both of these changes. I've made mistakes as a TD and as SS and I'll be the first to admit that but some of the reactions are just uncalled for. I ruled activity against your team, I didn't murder a puppy in front of you.

There's been other, smaller stuff too. For example, I helped with organizing and writing PRs for this SPL, which, if you've never participated in this process, is a lot of fucking work. It's a huge crunch and you're constantly fighting with people to get their rankings in and then you have like three or four days to make sure everyone's shit is written and it gets published before the tour starts and you get it all out on time and then everyone tells you how much they hate them and that they like the unofficial ones better. Or I helped spearhead the effort to get manager feedback for official team tournaments off the ground and did my best to get people to fill them out and then got them communicated to managers only for people (not talking about you @ Ruiners) to not be happy with how the feedback was communicated and upset that stuff was anonymous and that feedback wasn't detailed enough like I'm not just working with what their players gave me and if one of your players decides they want to send you multiple paragraphs of non-anonymized feedback, that's great for them and I'm glad you think that's so much better than the efforts I'm making and you feel the need to tell me that.

A lot of this is TD-centric because that's been the biggest stressor Smogon-side for a while now. SPL manager feedback was actually the thing that made me decide to quit for good (alongside a couple friends encouraging me to look after myself), since I got to read all of that feedback and got to hear about what a great time a lot of people had. How they had amazing managers, their team environment was great, they're so excited to play again next year. And all I got from SPL XV was yelled at. Like a lot. And a few very unsavory accusations that are best not repeated here that you certainly would not see made at a male TD lol. If you ask stours, I deserve to be yelled at because I jerk in a position of power or something, which is obviously infinitely worse than them jerking out of positions of power since I should just be a punching bag for them.

But reading about how much fun everyone else had made me realize how fucking miserable I have been. I thought that if I just tried my hardest to make things better for people, people would appreciate it. I was wrong and stupid to think this. As a close friend put it to me, "if you put all that effort that you do staffing into playing the game, you might be an SPL level player by now" and I can't argue with that. I want to have the same fun and make the same friends and have the same positive experiences everyone else gets to.

My biggest regret is that I've likely alienated most of the community away from me. As my mental health declines, there's a notable shift in how much I lash out at people and how sarcastic and mean I am, not to excuse it but to explain it. I know this has resulted in a lot of people calling me fake, talking shit about me behind my back, I've seen the logs and I know what they've said. I feel like I've effectively ruined my chances of having a normal, enjoyable time as a player since everyone kind of hates me now. That's largely my fault since I wasn't the nicest I could've been during SPL and it's just been getting worse.

Logging in has become a stressor, my anxiety has been manifesting to an insane degree, I'm physically twitching, I'm having a hard time sleeping, I woke up at 3 AM this morning to throw up from the stress. I can't remember the last time it was this bad. Smogon isn't the only stressor in my life, not by far, since I'm in the middle of the semester ending with six classes that means I have multiple major end-of-semester projects and multiple final exams to contend with in the next two weeks and I have a number of other Life Stressors like the impending ending of my schooling this summer meaning I will lose my therapist and my housing. So Smogon isn't the biggest stressor by a long shot, but every time I log in, every time I interact with the community here, it's a reminder of my shortcomings and the person I've become, a person I hate because she's turbulent and angry and prone to lashing out. It's a reminder that my best is never good enough and I've effectively sabotaged myself into the position I am today. To a lot of people, that's probably a lot of weight to assign to an online Pokemon forum, and I'm sure people will read this and laugh, but when you have nothing else in your life because your family hates you and you have no friends, this is what happens to you.

Thanks for reading if you did and sorry for wasting your time. I just needed to get it out there.

Can relate, as someone that went through much the same in my positions (even SPL host, there's only been a dozen of us!), if you ever wanna talk just drop me a DM.

 

[faint]

I originally was going to wait to make this post but things have been rapidly accelerating in the downwards direction and if I don't write it all out I'll explode. No tw, just spoilering because it's long

Spoiler

I've been pretty open about the fact that I'm planning on stepping down from my positions once Slam ends, which comes from a number of factors. First, Slam ends right around the time I'll be graduating, so I'll be busy with moving, applying to grad school, finding a job, and other life shit. But the second is that, to be frank, this site has done a fucking number on my mental health.

Being User Safety Lead is good, meaningful work, and I'm happy if anything I did at all helped to make the site even a little bit safer, but it kind of shreds your mental wellbeing. I think talking about a lot of it is probably against some rule since a lot of what I have read in my three(ish) years of user safety work ends with someone on the Noteworthy Banned Users List for "inappropriate sexual conduct," so I'll just say that it gets draining and there's really only so much of that kind of thing you can read before you hit your limit, and I hit mine a long time ago but kept forcing myself through it because I thought I had to.

I wish I could say that being a TD was good, meaningful work, but I can't. No offense to my fellow TDs and especially Merritt who tried so hard for me, but this position absolutely was not worth it and I regret ever asking to do it. This past SPL especially put me at my limit, and I would've stepped down by now if I hadn't already committed to hosting Slam. Ever since becoming a TD, it's been palpable how much more hostilely people view me and how much more hostile of a person I've become and I hate both of these changes. I've made mistakes as a TD and as SS and I'll be the first to admit that but some of the reactions are just uncalled for. I ruled activity against your team, I didn't murder a puppy in front of you.

There's been other, smaller stuff too. For example, I helped with organizing and writing PRs for this SPL, which, if you've never participated in this process, is a lot of fucking work. It's a huge crunch and you're constantly fighting with people to get their rankings in and then you have like three or four days to make sure everyone's shit is written and it gets published before the tour starts and you get it all out on time and then everyone tells you how much they hate them and that they like the unofficial ones better. Or I helped spearhead the effort to get manager feedback for official team tournaments off the ground and did my best to get people to fill them out and then got them communicated to managers only for people (not talking about you @ Ruiners) to not be happy with how the feedback was communicated and upset that stuff was anonymous and that feedback wasn't detailed enough like I'm not just working with what their players gave me and if one of your players decides they want to send you multiple paragraphs of non-anonymized feedback, that's great for them and I'm glad you think that's so much better than the efforts I'm making and you feel the need to tell me that.

A lot of this is TD-centric because that's been the biggest stressor Smogon-side for a while now. SPL manager feedback was actually the thing that made me decide to quit for good (alongside a couple friends encouraging me to look after myself), since I got to read all of that feedback and got to hear about what a great time a lot of people had. How they had amazing managers, their team environment was great, they're so excited to play again next year. And all I got from SPL XV was yelled at. Like a lot. And a few very unsavory accusations that are best not repeated here that you certainly would not see made at a male TD lol. If you ask stours, I deserve to be yelled at because I jerk in a position of power or something, which is obviously infinitely worse than them jerking out of positions of power since I should just be a punching bag for them.

But reading about how much fun everyone else had made me realize how fucking miserable I have been. I thought that if I just tried my hardest to make things better for people, people would appreciate it. I was wrong and stupid to think this. As a close friend put it to me, "if you put all that effort that you do staffing into playing the game, you might be an SPL level player by now" and I can't argue with that. I want to have the same fun and make the same friends and have the same positive experiences everyone else gets to.

My biggest regret is that I've likely alienated most of the community away from me. As my mental health declines, there's a notable shift in how much I lash out at people and how sarcastic and mean I am, not to excuse it but to explain it. I know this has resulted in a lot of people calling me fake, talking shit about me behind my back, I've seen the logs and I know what they've said. I feel like I've effectively ruined my chances of having a normal, enjoyable time as a player since everyone kind of hates me now. That's largely my fault since I wasn't the nicest I could've been during SPL and it's just been getting worse.

Logging in has become a stressor, my anxiety has been manifesting to an insane degree, I'm physically twitching, I'm having a hard time sleeping, I woke up at 3 AM this morning to throw up from the stress. I can't remember the last time it was this bad. Smogon isn't the only stressor in my life, not by far, since I'm in the middle of the semester ending with six classes that means I have multiple major end-of-semester projects and multiple final exams to contend with in the next two weeks and I have a number of other Life Stressors like the impending ending of my schooling this summer meaning I will lose my therapist and my housing. So Smogon isn't the biggest stressor by a long shot, but every time I log in, every time I interact with the community here, it's a reminder of my shortcomings and the person I've become, a person I hate because she's turbulent and angry and prone to lashing out. It's a reminder that my best is never good enough and I've effectively sabotaged myself into the position I am today. To a lot of people, that's probably a lot of weight to assign to an online Pokemon forum, and I'm sure people will read this and laugh, but when you have nothing else in your life because your family hates you and you have no friends, this is what happens to you.

Thanks for reading if you did and sorry for wasting your time. I just needed to get it out there.

I read your whole post and while you constantly stated that Smogon was by no means your biggest stressor, I cannot fathom how you folks let this site take this much of a toll on you. I say this as someone that has seen countless people in your position. We jokingly say that nobody ever leaves Smogon and yet those that do only do so for two reasons: they burnt themselves out doing too much work and got tired of the bullshit or were involved in some awful scandal and are likely banned.

At the end of the day this is a volunteer position. Unless there's some weird rule that requires you to spend x amount of hours doing something, just take a break as soon as you start to feel the way you described in your post. You're not obligated to continue reading through gross logs just because your banner says user safety lead. At the end of the day, you'll be replaced, and one of your peers is probably looking forward to stepping up to fulfill your role. I realize those words sound harsh but I'm saying them in the most respectful way possible. That's just how this site works and always will until someone decides to speak up.

 

[Pigbeeef]

I originally was going to wait to make this post but things have been rapidly accelerating in the downwards direction and if I don't write it all out I'll explode. No tw, just spoilering because it's long

Spoiler

I've been pretty open about the fact that I'm planning on stepping down from my positions once Slam ends, which comes from a number of factors. First, Slam ends right around the time I'll be graduating, so I'll be busy with moving, applying to grad school, finding a job, and other life shit. But the second is that, to be frank, this site has done a fucking number on my mental health.

Being User Safety Lead is good, meaningful work, and I'm happy if anything I did at all helped to make the site even a little bit safer, but it kind of shreds your mental wellbeing. I think talking about a lot of it is probably against some rule since a lot of what I have read in my three(ish) years of user safety work ends with someone on the Noteworthy Banned Users List for "inappropriate sexual conduct," so I'll just say that it gets draining and there's really only so much of that kind of thing you can read before you hit your limit, and I hit mine a long time ago but kept forcing myself through it because I thought I had to.

I wish I could say that being a TD was good, meaningful work, but I can't. No offense to my fellow TDs and especially Merritt who tried so hard for me, but this position absolutely was not worth it and I regret ever asking to do it. This past SPL especially put me at my limit, and I would've stepped down by now if I hadn't already committed to hosting Slam. Ever since becoming a TD, it's been palpable how much more hostilely people view me and how much more hostile of a person I've become and I hate both of these changes. I've made mistakes as a TD and as SS and I'll be the first to admit that but some of the reactions are just uncalled for. I ruled activity against your team, I didn't murder a puppy in front of you.

There's been other, smaller stuff too. For example, I helped with organizing and writing PRs for this SPL, which, if you've never participated in this process, is a lot of fucking work. It's a huge crunch and you're constantly fighting with people to get their rankings in and then you have like three or four days to make sure everyone's shit is written and it gets published before the tour starts and you get it all out on time and then everyone tells you how much they hate them and that they like the unofficial ones better. Or I helped spearhead the effort to get manager feedback for official team tournaments off the ground and did my best to get people to fill them out and then got them communicated to managers only for people (not talking about you @ Ruiners) to not be happy with how the feedback was communicated and upset that stuff was anonymous and that feedback wasn't detailed enough like I'm not just working with what their players gave me and if one of your players decides they want to send you multiple paragraphs of non-anonymized feedback, that's great for them and I'm glad you think that's so much better than the efforts I'm making and you feel the need to tell me that.

A lot of this is TD-centric because that's been the biggest stressor Smogon-side for a while now. SPL manager feedback was actually the thing that made me decide to quit for good (alongside a couple friends encouraging me to look after myself), since I got to read all of that feedback and got to hear about what a great time a lot of people had. How they had amazing managers, their team environment was great, they're so excited to play again next year. And all I got from SPL XV was yelled at. Like a lot. And a few very unsavory accusations that are best not repeated here that you certainly would not see made at a male TD lol. If you ask stours, I deserve to be yelled at because I jerk in a position of power or something, which is obviously infinitely worse than them jerking out of positions of power since I should just be a punching bag for them.

But reading about how much fun everyone else had made me realize how fucking miserable I have been. I thought that if I just tried my hardest to make things better for people, people would appreciate it. I was wrong and stupid to think this. As a close friend put it to me, "if you put all that effort that you do staffing into playing the game, you might be an SPL level player by now" and I can't argue with that. I want to have the same fun and make the same friends and have the same positive experiences everyone else gets to.

My biggest regret is that I've likely alienated most of the community away from me. As my mental health declines, there's a notable shift in how much I lash out at people and how sarcastic and mean I am, not to excuse it but to explain it. I know this has resulted in a lot of people calling me fake, talking shit about me behind my back, I've seen the logs and I know what they've said. I feel like I've effectively ruined my chances of having a normal, enjoyable time as a player since everyone kind of hates me now. That's largely my fault since I wasn't the nicest I could've been during SPL and it's just been getting worse.

Logging in has become a stressor, my anxiety has been manifesting to an insane degree, I'm physically twitching, I'm having a hard time sleeping, I woke up at 3 AM this morning to throw up from the stress. I can't remember the last time it was this bad. Smogon isn't the only stressor in my life, not by far, since I'm in the middle of the semester ending with six classes that means I have multiple major end-of-semester projects and multiple final exams to contend with in the next two weeks and I have a number of other Life Stressors like the impending ending of my schooling this summer meaning I will lose my therapist and my housing. So Smogon isn't the biggest stressor by a long shot, but every time I log in, every time I interact with the community here, it's a reminder of my shortcomings and the person I've become, a person I hate because she's turbulent and angry and prone to lashing out. It's a reminder that my best is never good enough and I've effectively sabotaged myself into the position I am today. To a lot of people, that's probably a lot of weight to assign to an online Pokemon forum, and I'm sure people will read this and laugh, but when you have nothing else in your life because your family hates you and you have no friends, this is what happens to you.

Thanks for reading if you did and sorry for wasting your time. I just needed to get it out there.

damn, if that's the case, just take a break for a bit and take it easy on yourself, we will be fine as long as we know you are alive and well.
I suggest doing so and focus more on the other stuff bothering you so that your other "job" is not gonna stress you out in the meantime.
will you still be active on the forums tho? wish you the best.

 

[Platinum God n1n1]

I bought a Whoop, waiting for it to arrive. I frequently get stressed at work and let little things bother me that build up and result in inpulsive decisions. I believe it is unfortunately my natural nueotic tendency. But as I have gotten older, through experience and thoughtful mentors I handle it better. I need to relax and rational things when my inclination is get all worked up in my mind, so I can keep being productive and focused.
Really curious to see if having a quality wearable with stress tracking helps me out with identifying rising stress and being able to cool down.

 

[tofa]

I originally was going to wait to make this post but things have been rapidly accelerating in the downwards direction and if I don't write it all out I'll explode. No tw, just spoilering because it's long

Spoiler

I've been pretty open about the fact that I'm planning on stepping down from my positions once Slam ends, which comes from a number of factors. First, Slam ends right around the time I'll be graduating, so I'll be busy with moving, applying to grad school, finding a job, and other life shit. But the second is that, to be frank, this site has done a fucking number on my mental health.

Being User Safety Lead is good, meaningful work, and I'm happy if anything I did at all helped to make the site even a little bit safer, but it kind of shreds your mental wellbeing. I think talking about a lot of it is probably against some rule since a lot of what I have read in my three(ish) years of user safety work ends with someone on the Noteworthy Banned Users List for "inappropriate sexual conduct," so I'll just say that it gets draining and there's really only so much of that kind of thing you can read before you hit your limit, and I hit mine a long time ago but kept forcing myself through it because I thought I had to.

I wish I could say that being a TD was good, meaningful work, but I can't. No offense to my fellow TDs and especially Merritt who tried so hard for me, but this position absolutely was not worth it and I regret ever asking to do it. This past SPL especially put me at my limit, and I would've stepped down by now if I hadn't already committed to hosting Slam. Ever since becoming a TD, it's been palpable how much more hostilely people view me and how much more hostile of a person I've become and I hate both of these changes. I've made mistakes as a TD and as SS and I'll be the first to admit that but some of the reactions are just uncalled for. I ruled activity against your team, I didn't murder a puppy in front of you.

There's been other, smaller stuff too. For example, I helped with organizing and writing PRs for this SPL, which, if you've never participated in this process, is a lot of fucking work. It's a huge crunch and you're constantly fighting with people to get their rankings in and then you have like three or four days to make sure everyone's shit is written and it gets published before the tour starts and you get it all out on time and then everyone tells you how much they hate them and that they like the unofficial ones better. Or I helped spearhead the effort to get manager feedback for official team tournaments off the ground and did my best to get people to fill them out and then got them communicated to managers only for people (not talking about you @ Ruiners) to not be happy with how the feedback was communicated and upset that stuff was anonymous and that feedback wasn't detailed enough like I'm not just working with what their players gave me and if one of your players decides they want to send you multiple paragraphs of non-anonymized feedback, that's great for them and I'm glad you think that's so much better than the efforts I'm making and you feel the need to tell me that.

A lot of this is TD-centric because that's been the biggest stressor Smogon-side for a while now. SPL manager feedback was actually the thing that made me decide to quit for good (alongside a couple friends encouraging me to look after myself), since I got to read all of that feedback and got to hear about what a great time a lot of people had. How they had amazing managers, their team environment was great, they're so excited to play again next year. And all I got from SPL XV was yelled at. Like a lot. And a few very unsavory accusations that are best not repeated here that you certainly would not see made at a male TD lol. If you ask stours, I deserve to be yelled at because I jerk in a position of power or something, which is obviously infinitely worse than them jerking out of positions of power since I should just be a punching bag for them.

But reading about how much fun everyone else had made me realize how fucking miserable I have been. I thought that if I just tried my hardest to make things better for people, people would appreciate it. I was wrong and stupid to think this. As a close friend put it to me, "if you put all that effort that you do staffing into playing the game, you might be an SPL level player by now" and I can't argue with that. I want to have the same fun and make the same friends and have the same positive experiences everyone else gets to.

My biggest regret is that I've likely alienated most of the community away from me. As my mental health declines, there's a notable shift in how much I lash out at people and how sarcastic and mean I am, not to excuse it but to explain it. I know this has resulted in a lot of people calling me fake, talking shit about me behind my back, I've seen the logs and I know what they've said. I feel like I've effectively ruined my chances of having a normal, enjoyable time as a player since everyone kind of hates me now. That's largely my fault since I wasn't the nicest I could've been during SPL and it's just been getting worse.

Logging in has become a stressor, my anxiety has been manifesting to an insane degree, I'm physically twitching, I'm having a hard time sleeping, I woke up at 3 AM this morning to throw up from the stress. I can't remember the last time it was this bad. Smogon isn't the only stressor in my life, not by far, since I'm in the middle of the semester ending with six classes that means I have multiple major end-of-semester projects and multiple final exams to contend with in the next two weeks and I have a number of other Life Stressors like the impending ending of my schooling this summer meaning I will lose my therapist and my housing. So Smogon isn't the biggest stressor by a long shot, but every time I log in, every time I interact with the community here, it's a reminder of my shortcomings and the person I've become, a person I hate because she's turbulent and angry and prone to lashing out. It's a reminder that my best is never good enough and I've effectively sabotaged myself into the position I am today. To a lot of people, that's probably a lot of weight to assign to an online Pokemon forum, and I'm sure people will read this and laugh, but when you have nothing else in your life because your family hates you and you have no friends, this is what happens to you.

Thanks for reading if you did and sorry for wasting your time. I just needed to get it out there.

Just know that you most definitely have people that appreciate your presence on here, in case you do decide to stay in the community after stepping down. Also, for what it's worth I (and many others) have always seen you as a great contributor, especially with regards to tournament hosting. But in the end, I am happy that you've made a decision that is ultimately better for you long term.

Best of luck with school and IRL stuff as well!

 

[Surgo]

Finally got a name of what I've been dealing with for just over 16 years now: chronophobia.

Supposedly more common in prisoners (which I'm not) and people nearing the end of their life (which, hopefully, I am not). But can hit anyone.

Unfortunately, it is a physical impossibility to avoid the passage of time, so I have to find other ways to deal with this than just avoiding the source of the phobia.

 

[yureion]

i havent had any "Triggers" recently or anything making me want to be !? or ... either way... but oddly i'll randomly feel like "damn why tf am i peaceful?" almost unable to understand it but 1000000000000% appreciating lol

the hell transversed has finally paid off, it's all all finally came full circle and the energy is mine again - it's almost weird relearning after all the nonsense for years lol.

 

[anaconja]

hello, im back. its been a very long while, almost three years, and ive rode an emotional rollercoaster with ecstatic highs and dreadful lows. it is currently one of those dreadful lows, but the feeling has kept coming back over the past couple days instead of fading away into the background so i felt i had to post.

following up from my last post, i went back to school after taking a gap year (since i didnt finish that academic year i had to start over as a first year) but because of something involving a pre-college program that i didnt attend but my roommate and several other people did attend, i started off in a large friend group. of these people, i began hanging out with a girl named e (pseudonym) and by second semester we were dating.

all of this sounds fantastic, because it was at the moment. the problem is that i am an extremely flawed person. im forgetful, clumsy, and oblivious, and that led me to make way too many mistakes repeatedly. it doesnt help that e is prone to anger and im prone to crying, which she has told me a lot that it makes me the victim and her feel like a bad person. and i get that, but every time it happens i just cant help spiralling in my mind about how dumb i am to repeat these mistakes. currently shes mad at me and talking very little to me because i failed to communicate with her regarding my parents coming over (more on that later).

i think that e is a very good person. she works hard with little support from her family, shes smart, shes funny, she gives me thoughtful gifts, she helps me when i feel stressed, and overall shes done more for my mental health than either of my parents have. because of that im terrified to lose her. i was the weird kid before college and even now ive drifted away from all the friends i had in first year just because i feel i can’t relate to them. i feel like i dont deserve her, but then how will i ever find someone else who understands me (or at least in the case of e, someone who found my eccentric self interesting)? i want to salvage the relationship, but even if/when i do so we only have until december when we graduate and i probably never see her again. how do i become someone she can rely on, with self confidence and critical thinking to not keep making the same mistakes? i just feel horribly incompetent and i hate myself for not being able to meaningfully improve myself.

ig my vents done, time to nap and see if these feelings disappear for the moment

 

[boo836]

I just came back from the hospital an hour ago. My baby cousin died of an OD and my first thing I went to was to break my sobriety. I'm so tired man, I desperately wish it was me. There's nothing i wouldn't give for it to have been me.

 

[yureion]

my brother been going through hell (and god knows i spoke to own hells priors, but god bless i found my out) and recently tryna tell me my younger siblings (since i'm oldest) since he took on more than he ready for, and he got a rare syndrome (Steven Johnsons - terrible shit) that act up esp with stress.
"be there for those there for you -- but stop that cornball save-a-soul shit it gotta stop --- theyll respect you more if they don't just expect it from you all the time. be he one that can resolve it if ish arises, don't let them just expect it from you all the time [esp since they aint doing shit] unless yall locked in - never tell someone ya pockets/energy/power till it's needed and known"

Expectation is the assassin of Appreciation. If yall ain't that deep keep it arms distance, till you KNOW that's YOU and YOUR REALM. Don't get taken advantage of for your goodness.

 

[wenddy18]

Did anyone here try CBD for their mental health problems? If yes, does it work?
Read on this page that CBD can interact with the brain's natural serotonin production cycle and alter anxiety responses in a dose-dependent manner. Wonder if it's true.

 

[yureion]

Did anyone here try CBD for their mental health problems? If yes, does it work?

I never PERSONALLY tried CBD but can say what it comes from has helped me greatly with it, but obv not what you asking.....

That said the friends I do have that use it tell me it helps a lot, esp with stress and anxiety and I always tease "And you turned down your turn for years, now look at ya," obviously just having fun - but ofc im glad they found something that helps them lol.

 

[JoshSketch]

I'm writing this right now because I feel like I'm never going to be good at anything, known for anything, or respected.

Pokemon feels like the last hope for me to have some sense of having pride in myself for accomplishment and or claim to achievement in myself, but that's it.

I'm 25, a graduate from college and went to become a cartoonist, and a year later I can't get a job anywhere to support myself. All my friends have moved away and are all building their own families now, and I'm in credit card debt still living with my parents, who are also pretty preoccupied and don't do anything with me anymore, currently unemployed, working for uber on occasion and taking classes at a tech school for a career I don't want to do but end up having to do just to survive. I do therapy, but sometimes it just feels like I'm paying somebody to vent to, and feels like a waste of money.

I've been playing Pokemon for more than two-thirds of my life, and I'm just beside myself that the thing I thought I was exceptional at in my own mind is nothing more than an illusion. What's worse, is that here, in these communities, I can't communicate correctly or feel like I'm wanted or positively affirmed for being here. I've joined discords, played in some small metas here and there, and tried to be a part of scenes, but I just feel so much like an outcast because of my inexperience, and my own opinions towards Smogon that make me a bit of an outcast in my own right opinion-wise. I've been talked about behind my back before, intimidated and scorned by notable figures, and just feel like I don't deserve to even be playing this game just because of how bad I feel like I am on ladder and in discords.

Actual nights have been spent crying about my state in the scene, with one night considering overdosing. I take 90 mg Cymbalta, and sometimes it isn't effective enough to stop how bad I feel about myself.

At this point, I don't even really want to make friends here anymore, despite how much I want them. I honestly wish I could be the best at the games I play, out of spite, so that I can stand over the people that ridiculed me before and have an aura of authority they never thought I'd be able to achieve.

I also wish I could make a scene for myself, away from the discords that are established, and or make my own formats that feel much better than the status quo of what Smogon uses for singles, but every time I talk about this, I just remember how busy I am in life, how insignificant I'd be compared to the rest of the scene, and how sad of a state I am in to find the most amount of joy in my life nowadays chasing glory for myself in a children's rpg.

Is this loving myself? Because this is what I want. I want recognition. I want power. I want respect. I want friends, love, and I want to be the very best like no one ever was, but I just feel so ridiculously alone despite the cultivation in each format.

Maybe I'm complaining too much, or maybe this seems incomprehensible or incoherent. I'm sorry. I just needed to put this out here somewhere. I'm sick of feeling like a burden, or an annoyance. I want to be looked at and desired for my skills, or my knowledge, or just...anything.

 

[bdt2002]

I'm writing this right now because I feel like I'm never going to be good at anything, known for anything, or respected.

Pokemon feels like the last hope for me to have some sense of having pride in myself for accomplishment and or claim to achievement in myself, but that's it.

I'm 25, a graduate from college and went to become a cartoonist, and a year later I can't get a job anywhere to support myself. All my friends have moved away and are all building their own families now, and I'm in credit card debt still living with my parents, who are also pretty preoccupied and don't do anything with me anymore, currently unemployed, working for uber on occasion and taking classes at a tech school for a career I don't want to do but end up having to do just to survive. I do therapy, but sometimes it just feels like I'm paying somebody to vent to, and feels like a waste of money.

I've been playing Pokemon for more than two-thirds of my life, and I'm just beside myself that the thing I thought I was exceptional at in my own mind is nothing more than an illusion. What's worse, is that here, in these communities, I can't communicate correctly or feel like I'm wanted or positively affirmed for being here. I've joined discords, played in some small metas here and there, and tried to be a part of scenes, but I just feel so much like an outcast because of my inexperience, and my own opinions towards Smogon that make me a bit of an outcast in my own right opinion-wise. I've been talked about behind my back before, intimidated and scorned by notable figures, and just feel like I don't deserve to even be playing this game just because of how bad I feel like I am on ladder and in discords.

Actual nights have been spent crying about my state in the scene, with one night considering overdosing. I take 90 mg Cymbalta, and sometimes it isn't effective enough to stop how bad I feel about myself.

At this point, I don't even really want to make friends here anymore, despite how much I want them. I honestly wish I could be the best at the games I play, out of spite, so that I can stand over the people that ridiculed me before and have an aura of authority they never thought I'd be able to achieve.

I also wish I could make a scene for myself, away from the discords that are established, and or make my own formats that feel much better than the status quo of what Smogon uses for singles, but every time I talk about this, I just remember how busy I am in life, how insignificant I'd be compared to the rest of the scene, and how sad of a state I am in to find the most amount of joy in my life nowadays chasing glory for myself in a children's rpg.

Is this loving myself? Because this is what I want. I want recognition. I want power. I want respect. I want friends, love, and I want to be the very best like no one ever was, but I just feel so ridiculously alone despite the cultivation in each format.

Maybe I'm complaining too much, or maybe this seems incomprehensible or incoherent. I'm sorry. I just needed to put this out here somewhere. I'm sick of feeling like a burden, or an annoyance. I want to be looked at and desired for my skills, or my knowledge, or just...anything.

I speak from experience when I say this. Your first mistake was at the very end of this post- you don't need to apologize for wanting to communicate how you feel. We can never fully understand what other people are going through, but I too struggle with selling myself short. I've always been the one on the receiving end of help in my personal life, it feels like, and it's made me very prideful about being able to do things on my own because, I tell myself, "I'm never going to be able to live on my own."

One of the best things you can do is try and examine your options. it sounds to me like you just want to feel understood and acknowledged. Knowing this, take a moment or two every couple of days and ask yourself, "what makes me who I am?" You may be in a rough spot now, sure, but you clearly did something right to at least make it to where you are now. Ask yourself why that is. None of us would even be here if there wasn't some unknown reason for it. Like me, you're looking for a sense of purpose. The thing is, your purpose is what you decide to make of life. If you believe you have skills and knowledge, perhaps try and explore options of how to share those with and for other people. There is happiness to be found in being able to add something to this world- you just have to figure out what that is for you. You're in no rush- recall that you still have much of your life ahead of you.

 

[yureion]

i recently had a dream where my dad (rip) told me "people understand you more than you think" and i woke up unable to sleep; for obvious reasons but i appreciated it so much. "you dont need to be the show for them anymore, they bank on that, you're the rock, not the caricature" is what really got me.

 

[JoshSketch]

This game makes me so unbelieveably frustrated and miserable.
I cannot believe how infuriating this game is. I don't know how I can improve. I'm using proven teams, I'm trying to study and predict right, but I'm falling and falling in ELO and losing so badly whether its by RNG or my opponent just having a superior move.

I just want to be good. I want a coach, or more resources. I just want to feel like I'm worth something here.

 

[Lasen]

This game makes me so unbelieveably frustrated and miserable.
I cannot believe how infuriating this game is. I don't know how I can improve. I'm using proven teams, I'm trying to study and predict right, but I'm falling and falling in ELO and losing so badly whether its by RNG or my opponent just having a superior move.

I just want to be good. I want a coach, or more resources. I just want to feel like I'm worth something here.

tutoring is open to pretty much everyone, the requirements are almost as low as humanly possible (1 month old account + 15 posts made on the forums). Find a format you want to get better at, sign-up for tutoring and hope someone picks you up. Because that (understandably) takes a while, you can also simply join the main smogon discord, build teams and ask for advice on how to make them better since teambuilding is usually a good way to gauge how in tune you are with any given meta at a certain time.
If you don't wanna do any of that, you can always smash your head against the brick wall of the countless tournaments that exist and try and analyze why you lost each game with hindsight.

 

[JoshSketch]

tutoring is open to pretty much everyone, the requirements are almost as low as humanly possible (1 month old account + 15 posts made on the forums). Find a format you want to get better at, sign-up for tutoring and hope someone picks you up. Because that (understandably) takes a while, you can also simply join the main smogon discord, build teams and ask for advice on how to make them better since teambuilding is usually a good way to gauge how in tune you are with any given meta at a certain time.
If you don't wanna do any of that, you can always smash your head against the brick wall of the countless tournaments that exist and try and analyze why you lost each game with hindsight.

I applied to the Apprenticeship program, just waiting. It's mostly ADV I want to be known for. I'm on the discords for those and I've been a little intimidated by some of the members there, but I've been slowly making a few aquaintences here and there that help me. I'm just frustrated I'm sinking so low. I started 2 months ago getting serious and was 1587 at one point, then fell to 1250 this week. I feel like a loser.

 

[jalmont]

I applied to the Apprenticeship program, just waiting. It's mostly ADV I want to be known for. I'm on the discords for those and I've been a little intimidated by some of the members there, but I've been slowly making a few aquaintences here and there that help me. I'm just frustrated I'm sinking so low. I started 2 months ago getting serious and was 1587 at one point, then fell to 1250 this week. I feel like a loser.

I'm writing this right now because I feel like I'm never going to be good at anything, known for anything, or respected.

Pokemon feels like the last hope for me to have some sense of having pride in myself for accomplishment and or claim to achievement in myself, but that's it.

I'm 25, a graduate from college and went to become a cartoonist, and a year later I can't get a job anywhere to support myself. All my friends have moved away and are all building their own families now, and I'm in credit card debt still living with my parents, who are also pretty preoccupied and don't do anything with me anymore, currently unemployed, working for uber on occasion and taking classes at a tech school for a career I don't want to do but end up having to do just to survive. I do therapy, but sometimes it just feels like I'm paying somebody to vent to, and feels like a waste of money.

I've been playing Pokemon for more than two-thirds of my life, and I'm just beside myself that the thing I thought I was exceptional at in my own mind is nothing more than an illusion. What's worse, is that here, in these communities, I can't communicate correctly or feel like I'm wanted or positively affirmed for being here. I've joined discords, played in some small metas here and there, and tried to be a part of scenes, but I just feel so much like an outcast because of my inexperience, and my own opinions towards Smogon that make me a bit of an outcast in my own right opinion-wise. I've been talked about behind my back before, intimidated and scorned by notable figures, and just feel like I don't deserve to even be playing this game just because of how bad I feel like I am on ladder and in discords.

Actual nights have been spent crying about my state in the scene, with one night considering overdosing. I take 90 mg Cymbalta, and sometimes it isn't effective enough to stop how bad I feel about myself.

At this point, I don't even really want to make friends here anymore, despite how much I want them. I honestly wish I could be the best at the games I play, out of spite, so that I can stand over the people that ridiculed me before and have an aura of authority they never thought I'd be able to achieve.

I also wish I could make a scene for myself, away from the discords that are established, and or make my own formats that feel much better than the status quo of what Smogon uses for singles, but every time I talk about this, I just remember how busy I am in life, how insignificant I'd be compared to the rest of the scene, and how sad of a state I am in to find the most amount of joy in my life nowadays chasing glory for myself in a children's rpg.

Is this loving myself? Because this is what I want. I want recognition. I want power. I want respect. I want friends, love, and I want to be the very best like no one ever was, but I just feel so ridiculously alone despite the cultivation in each format.

Maybe I'm complaining too much, or maybe this seems incomprehensible or incoherent. I'm sorry. I just needed to put this out here somewhere. I'm sick of feeling like a burden, or an annoyance. I want to be looked at and desired for my skills, or my knowledge, or just...anything.

Your posts in this thread took a lot of courage to write and I respect you for being so vulnerable in a public setting. I recognize that you are struggling and I empathize with your struggles. What I write in this post is not meant to attack or demean you, but to simply offer my candid thoughts in an attempt to challenge you and your thoughts a little bit.

With all due respect, your approach to Smogon and the game of Pokemon is really unhealthy. Some of the things you've said are really concerning, even more so because they are about a hobby that should be fun. But instead, it seems like it's causing you a lot of suffering and anguish. I'm worried about you. I definitely understand wanting to be a part of a community, be respected, have friends, etc. But I would really encourage you to reflect and think deeply on why Smogon/Pokemon is the route that's going to lead you in that direction. When you say that the game makes you unbelievably frustrated and miserable, why do you keep playing? Is being motivated by spite to be good at Pokemon really a good way to move forward?

I am not a professional of any kind and I'm not trying to "psychoanalyze" you or anything but I seriously feel you would be well served by taking a step back from Pokemon and Smogon. I understand your real life predicament is challenging and perhaps this hobby is a way to escape that. And I would get it if Pokemon was giving you a lot of joy and a sense of worth, but it's not; it's compounding your negative feelings. You are doing a lot of positive things in your life, even if it doesn't feel like that. Going to therapy is good. Taking classes and trying to find your path in life is good. Personally, I think engaging in the world more would be good for you. Getting literally any job, volunteering, exercising, getting a hobby that lets you meet people, etc., these are all things that I think are worth a shot because they put you out into the world and also have the possibility of creating a community for you to be a part of.

Being "good" or "successful" on Smogon is not going to be the panacea that perhaps you think it is. If you cannot function in real life because of this site and are only continuing out of spite, then I strongly believe you need to take a break and reassess your relationship with the game. Continually putting yourself through suffering for what should be a fun hobby doesn't make sense.

Best of luck.

 

[yureion]

got a nice lil vacation coming up on saturday for like 9 days, cant wait.
sadly my brother and his gf (shes a gaslighter and he responds in kind cus they failed on their own [and im saying it this way on purpose]) you came back here and imposed on us. you don't run anything here. even moms says it was a favor to her son (him).

he was super disrespectful last night to me and even my mother and ruined our lil sisters bday cus his girl gaslighted him (literally over our dog just jumping up on sum1, doggo is a mush he was just excited cus people was on the ground with him and young doggo got excited, expectedly... and he (brother) in turn got mad: dont threaten (he did) or talk bout my dog - no humanity - related or nah places above my dog.) ---- after the nonsense i mentioned in the past of my family wronging me and me coming back when my dad died i dont have the patience for this anymore. (Wasnt he the one messing up then? - Ive looked out for this dude (brother) forever but now i see the respect ain't mutual - cool, screw him)

shame i was planning to enjoy days chilling with esp my brother but if you wanna be fake tough and talk crazy yall can figure it out alone.
ps5 and be it friends/interests i wanna see in that time got yall beat.

i even told Moms "That was the last of my patience for them. We already paid legal bills for your dumb ish, I aint doing disrespect now. "Thanks" is all that should be respected there." No one needs to hear more from you but (once again) "Thank you."

 

[JoshSketch]

Your posts in this thread took a lot of courage to write and I respect you for being so vulnerable in a public setting. I recognize that you are struggling and I empathize with your struggles. What I write in this post is not meant to attack or demean you, but to simply offer my candid thoughts in an attempt to challenge you and your thoughts a little bit.

With all due respect, your approach to Smogon and the game of Pokemon is really unhealthy. Some of the things you've said are really concerning, even more so because they are about a hobby that should be fun. But instead, it seems like it's causing you a lot of suffering and anguish. I'm worried about you. I definitely understand wanting to be a part of a community, be respected, have friends, etc. But I would really encourage you to reflect and think deeply on why Smogon/Pokemon is the route that's going to lead you in that direction. When you say that the game makes you unbelievably frustrated and miserable, why do you keep playing? Is being motivated by spite to be good at Pokemon really a good way to move forward?

I am not a professional of any kind and I'm not trying to "psychoanalyze" you or anything but I seriously feel you would be well served by taking a step back from Pokemon and Smogon. I understand your real life predicament is challenging and perhaps this hobby is a way to escape that. And I would get it if Pokemon was giving you a lot of joy and a sense of worth, but it's not; it's compounding your negative feelings. You are doing a lot of positive things in your life, even if it doesn't feel like that. Going to therapy is good. Taking classes and trying to find your path in life is good. Personally, I think engaging in the world more would be good for you. Getting literally any job, volunteering, exercising, getting a hobby that lets you meet people, etc., these are all things that I think are worth a shot because they put you out into the world and also have the possibility of creating a community for you to be a part of.

Being "good" or "successful" on Smogon is not going to be the panacea that perhaps you think it is. If you cannot function in real life because of this site and are only continuing out of spite, then I strongly believe you need to take a break and reassess your relationship with the game. Continually putting yourself through suffering for what should be a fun hobby doesn't make sense.

Best of luck.

I'm working out 3 to 5 times a week, I just got a job, and I'm doing all I can with personal projects.

Pokemon feel like the only thing I can have fun with nowadays. This is what I want to do. The thrill of rising up and giving myself a sense of accomplishment in being the best in something I value a lot is what I want. The spite comes from the community, because of how I was treated in the formats. I wouldn't mind this game if it was good experiences, but half of them have stuck with me and I've held a grudge towards a lot of people, which, whenever I lose, can only imagine their laughing at me to and behind my back, or shaking their heads in shame in thinking I thought I had a chance. I want to prove them wrong.

I get frustrated out of not improving, not having enough time for this game, and not being socially comfortable to start things with others. Even here, I see people who hurt me agreeing with you, and it just makes me want to keep playing this game, and I'm sick of feeling this way because I don't want to talk about this anymore but it's just always on my mind, and I think it just wards people off of trying to approach me anyways because I don't want to be the one known for either complaining or bitching, I just don't know how to restart.

Maybe I do need a break, but that just feels like I'm accepting defeat. I hate that. It makes me feel like those people have won.

 

[boo836]

The day after my cousin died, my friend's ex blew his brains out in front of her with the baby in the house, on Father's Day. Two weeks before, she had me serve him custody papers because he put his hands on her. A few weeks ago I went to the States to go collect his effects. It was a bizarre feeling, standing over the puddle of his blood and brains, then playing with his baby in the span of three hours.

I made her cheesecake yesterday, earl grey with orange syrup and a lemon flavoured whipped cream. She's lost a sixth of her body weight since it happened (which she really couldn't afford to lose to begin with) so cheesecake seems like a good idea.