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Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread
- Thread starter Rollout Shuckle
- Start date
So I feel like reading this thread has really made me think if I should share my story or not. I'm known as that one guy who shitposts about dinosaurs on a pokemon forumboard? or the "Falkneraptor Mongoliensis", I'm probably the last person you would think would be suffering from any form of depression.
Life has been hard over the years due to multiple factors that have been making my life miserable. I usually spend time with my cat and my dogs as a coping skill. My three dogs Eme, Wulfric and Bugsy, and a little cat named Pepper who is my main source of comfort. Talking about them really works to make me happy. Recently a horrible event happened to both me, and my cat. Of course only being 19, and sharing my place with my sister I don't have the most modern house. I split my bill with my mother to live out in a rural area, but I have a great backyard so the animals have room, but we also have lots of wildlife. Before I lived here I did live with my parents.
Life with my parents was hell. No they weren't abusing me or beating me... More that my parents were abusing eachother. It got so bad when I was around 16, I did attempt suicide through overdosing, but I'm honestly glad I was saved. It wasn't fun though as I had to get my stomach pumped. Back to the parents, I even recall when I was around They would get in constant arguments, often resulting on slapping eachother, tearing objects out of eachothers hands, etc... I Clearly remember the time when I had to call the cops on my own father, after I heard my mother let out horrible screams asking my brother for help. No she wasn't stabbed or anything crazy but it scared me shitless. Due to the incident, my parents ended up divorcing, and I had to either choose one of my parents or get my own place with just me, my sister and the dogs. (Bugsy was not alive yet when we first moved). Recently Pepper was attacked by a bobcat after sneaking outside the house, costing almost 2k worth of vet bills to keep her alive which was already a huge problem to start with. Having a large bill to cover, An annoying roommate who never helps keep the place clean, A Large bill to pay off, a half dead cat, my laptop broken, and my parents still settling on legal problems Things went downhill really fast.
No, I don't have plans to try and kill myself again, I'm just unsure what to do in this situation with so much crap going on, it's making my life miserable. I've been really tired, procrastinating on my work and art and I don't know how to handle it.
Life has been hard over the years due to multiple factors that have been making my life miserable. I usually spend time with my cat and my dogs as a coping skill. My three dogs Eme, Wulfric and Bugsy, and a little cat named Pepper who is my main source of comfort. Talking about them really works to make me happy. Recently a horrible event happened to both me, and my cat. Of course only being 19, and sharing my place with my sister I don't have the most modern house. I split my bill with my mother to live out in a rural area, but I have a great backyard so the animals have room, but we also have lots of wildlife. Before I lived here I did live with my parents.
Life with my parents was hell. No they weren't abusing me or beating me... More that my parents were abusing eachother. It got so bad when I was around 16, I did attempt suicide through overdosing, but I'm honestly glad I was saved. It wasn't fun though as I had to get my stomach pumped. Back to the parents, I even recall when I was around They would get in constant arguments, often resulting on slapping eachother, tearing objects out of eachothers hands, etc... I Clearly remember the time when I had to call the cops on my own father, after I heard my mother let out horrible screams asking my brother for help. No she wasn't stabbed or anything crazy but it scared me shitless. Due to the incident, my parents ended up divorcing, and I had to either choose one of my parents or get my own place with just me, my sister and the dogs. (Bugsy was not alive yet when we first moved). Recently Pepper was attacked by a bobcat after sneaking outside the house, costing almost 2k worth of vet bills to keep her alive which was already a huge problem to start with. Having a large bill to cover, An annoying roommate who never helps keep the place clean, A Large bill to pay off, a half dead cat, my laptop broken, and my parents still settling on legal problems Things went downhill really fast.
No, I don't have plans to try and kill myself again, I'm just unsure what to do in this situation with so much crap going on, it's making my life miserable. I've been really tired, procrastinating on my work and art and I don't know how to handle it.
TO ANYONE THAT THINKS THEY ARE DEPRESSED, READ THIS
Most people would tell you to find something you're passionate for and to give the maximum of your time into it, but sometimes you just can't.
Instead of saying that, I'll ask you to find something you want to improve at. It can be anything ; an action, a behaviour, or something directly linked to yourself. It can be anything, but it has to be something you can easily and quickly see your improvement at it.
The goal is to spend your time improving at something. Because depression deals with your self-esteem, finding something to improve at and seeing your own improvement at it, may make you looking at yourself a better way, and that is one of the most important keys at curing depression : looking at yourself differently. And if you're able to find something that you can spend time trying to improve at it, it's already an improvement, since you had nothing to spend time on for yourself before, so it's already a good point!
If you can't find one, you may try this option : meet up with someone of the opposite sex and ask him/her what he/she finds satisfacting to look at in anyone. Maybe you'll have to do sports, crafting, or anything ; just start doing something. Then, just start trying to be better at it ; if you've never done it, just try once, since doing something for the first time is already an improvement at doing it, so just try it once if you've never done it!
Hope that'll help
Most people would tell you to find something you're passionate for and to give the maximum of your time into it, but sometimes you just can't.
Instead of saying that, I'll ask you to find something you want to improve at. It can be anything ; an action, a behaviour, or something directly linked to yourself. It can be anything, but it has to be something you can easily and quickly see your improvement at it.
The goal is to spend your time improving at something. Because depression deals with your self-esteem, finding something to improve at and seeing your own improvement at it, may make you looking at yourself a better way, and that is one of the most important keys at curing depression : looking at yourself differently. And if you're able to find something that you can spend time trying to improve at it, it's already an improvement, since you had nothing to spend time on for yourself before, so it's already a good point!
If you can't find one, you may try this option : meet up with someone of the opposite sex and ask him/her what he/she finds satisfacting to look at in anyone. Maybe you'll have to do sports, crafting, or anything ; just start doing something. Then, just start trying to be better at it ; if you've never done it, just try once, since doing something for the first time is already an improvement at doing it, so just try it once if you've never done it!
Hope that'll help
TW: Suicide
Hello again
I've attempted suicide twice in the last couple months, first on 25 February then again on 8 April. I was hospitalized on both occasions after my family found me. I wasn't able to follow through the first time because I couldn't stand to feel myself die, but the second time I was ready. Being dragged from the edge against my will was the most humiliating experience of my life. I resented my loved ones for forcing me to stay in this world, to keep living this life. It felt so cruel that I was robbed of my right to take my life into my own hands just to postpone people's grief. I went to therapy, I took the meds, I used the skills. I played the game and lost. What the fuck else could you want from me? From my point of view just three weeks ago, nothing could make the constant pain worth it. I was sick of waking up crying then waiting for a couple hours for the wave of anxiety to subside, so I can face this mad, dying world yet again. I was sick of feeling mediocre at best and insisting to others that I'm happy because I hate attention. I was terrified of other people for the power they have to use me whenever they please, and I was terrified of myself for giving them that power. Most of all, I despised people who insisted they saw something for me past the horizon that I didn't, as though I was delusional for not having hope instead of the other way around.
I am currently in a residential facility focused on recovery. I've done a lot of crying, and I've shared things that I haven't shared with anyone. Having people there to hold your hand through the worst times that you know have been there too is a relief that I didn't realize I needed. I've grown a lot in the week and a half I've been here, but it remains to be seen whether I'll be ready to face the world again when my time here is done. I want to give it another try, though. Thanks for listening
Hello again
I've attempted suicide twice in the last couple months, first on 25 February then again on 8 April. I was hospitalized on both occasions after my family found me. I wasn't able to follow through the first time because I couldn't stand to feel myself die, but the second time I was ready. Being dragged from the edge against my will was the most humiliating experience of my life. I resented my loved ones for forcing me to stay in this world, to keep living this life. It felt so cruel that I was robbed of my right to take my life into my own hands just to postpone people's grief. I went to therapy, I took the meds, I used the skills. I played the game and lost. What the fuck else could you want from me? From my point of view just three weeks ago, nothing could make the constant pain worth it. I was sick of waking up crying then waiting for a couple hours for the wave of anxiety to subside, so I can face this mad, dying world yet again. I was sick of feeling mediocre at best and insisting to others that I'm happy because I hate attention. I was terrified of other people for the power they have to use me whenever they please, and I was terrified of myself for giving them that power. Most of all, I despised people who insisted they saw something for me past the horizon that I didn't, as though I was delusional for not having hope instead of the other way around.
I am currently in a residential facility focused on recovery. I've done a lot of crying, and I've shared things that I haven't shared with anyone. Having people there to hold your hand through the worst times that you know have been there too is a relief that I didn't realize I needed. I've grown a lot in the week and a half I've been here, but it remains to be seen whether I'll be ready to face the world again when my time here is done. I want to give it another try, though. Thanks for listening
Something that helped me out was PS!. I get enjoyment from building teams. When they do good, I feel good. That's something anyone needs to feel at least once in a while. Do what you can do to make yourself feel good.
As an addendum to this, it does the soul good to rebuild yourself. It never helps to feel like you know everything, and that's true about yourself, too. I'm doing that here. I'm realizing that I don't know myself nearly as well as I thought I did. I just knew the parts of myself depression myself let me see really well, through the distorted lens of depression. Learning to be vulnerable with myself and actually feel my feelings has showed me that I'm so much more than the cynical smartass I forced myself to be. As an adult I've felt like I have to compensate for my innate personality to get along in work/school/relationships. I act all outgoing and sassy when in reality I'm actually quite shy, because it's a quick and easy way to get people to not hate me. I act cynical and bitter despite being something of an idealist, because being suspicious of everyone means that no one can hurt me again. I don't notice when I'm sad because I've trained myself to ignore my feelings so I can get up in the morning, rather than ask myself what I could do to make getting up in the morning worth it. I thought these were organic changes, part of being an adult, but in reality they were immature, kneejerk responses to pain.
It's been easy for me to get complacent recovering from depression because it's been part of me for so long that it's hard to tell where my illness ends and my true self begins. Those lines have become more well-defined with time, though, and I can paint a clearer picture of myself against the haze of depression. The false personality I created for myself was just my first attempt at doing that. Strangely enough, being diagnosed with PTSD is what helped me realize this. My trauma is recent enough for me to remember the time before it, and remember the person I was back then. It makes me do the same thing depression makes me do, which is intellectualize my pain in the hope that overriding my feelings will allow me to never be hurt again. Being book-smart makes it really easy to use my left brain as a crutch, as well. But emotions don't work that way. They're there whether you like it or not. I think I'm beginning to make peace with that.
I'll never be the same person I was before depression or before trauma, and I need to be OK with that. I remind myself now that I am never a finished product, but a perpetual work in progress.
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Its been a full year since ive had my last panic attack
I still have quite a bit of issues to work out and i dont think i necessarily feel 'well' but knowing that progress was made feels a little heartwarming.
It doesnt matter how old you are or how long youve been struggling, just take it nice and slow at your pace, any progress is good progress.
Stay safe friendos ❤
I still have quite a bit of issues to work out and i dont think i necessarily feel 'well' but knowing that progress was made feels a little heartwarming.
It doesnt matter how old you are or how long youve been struggling, just take it nice and slow at your pace, any progress is good progress.
Stay safe friendos ❤
After what, three months (!?) of nothing but repeating cycles of intense emotional damage and repair, I feel so emotionally drained that apathy is all I can summon up regarding most things on the itinerary. I feel like I had a short breakthrough moment this morning while I was exercising where I was able to self-actuate for like one minute but the moment passed and now I'm back in this weird state of quasi-existence that I've been in for the last couple of days. The last weeks have been massive rollercoasters of incredible highs of contentedness and lows of intense shame and self-hatred, but now I think everything's just washed out and all I feel is this vague sense of being trapped. I can't enjoy myself because I continue to disassociate during almost every waking moment to overanalyze my (relatively petty and simple) problems, which means I end up isolating myself from everyone because the small group of friends I do have are all very busy and /or remind me of shit I don't want to be thinking about. Obviously if I'm isolated that gives me even more time to overthink my situation, leading to a negative feedback loop. The people I truly need to talk to (other people involved in my problems) are either dealing with other, far more pressing issues of their own or simply cannot handle talking to me about our issues (understandable). Not to say that they (friends not involved with my issues directly) wouldn't be willing to talk about my issues but I'm far more comfortable talking about these things with my therapist (weekly appointments are basically the only thing I look forward to in the week). At the same time there is almost nothing else I would really rather talk about, so most of my conversations with people just end up being both of us obliquely referencing our respective mental health issues (as you would expect college sophomores during finals are all going thru some shit or other). Not that realizing everyone else is just as or even more depressed than me is really something that helps me out. I've also made plans to stay here for the summer but it's hard to stay positive when I'm not even sure if it will work successfully as a detox program.
tl;dr: i am completely emotionally exhausted and think of nothing but giving up and becoming a shut in all the time and how awesome that would be. Meanwhile all my daily activities just revolve around me trying my best to stop thinking said thoughts, as I know from prior experience that I do not do well in isolation anyway.
^vent / context paragraph. Obviously these feelings are ephemeral. Hopefully I will feel better later today, or this weekend, etc. but it's difficult to visualize such things of course. At present I'm going to attempt to channel these antisocial tendencies into some more positive self-care and activity. My issue at present is being able to reckon with the fact that almost everything I do is just distracting me from thinking about my problems (there has to be a better word for this that doesn't intrinsically frame them as bad things, just matters that need a change in perspective to stop being stressors. Anyone get what I'm saying?) and not out of any intrinsic enjoyment (at this current moment in time). Idk if this is seen as an improper use for the thread but I'm just using this post to try and set out some goals for myself that have some kind of visibility and accountability (....lol).
Things I will try to do in the next couple of weeks:
-exercise more (?) - I do one hour of exercise daily but I could probably do this in the evenings as well. One of the few things I have control over in this scenario is how my body can change and function. Not that I am out of shape, but I could do better. Core workouts maybe.
-watch less youtube, use my phone less. Play less videogames. Screens hurt my eyes and also make me want to die because I am more acutely aware of how sedentary I am.
-read more books. Good idea generally. Have been reading a book on Korean literature to try and get in touch with my heritage some.
-go outside more. I hate being in my room despite spending almost all of my time inside it, as it exacerbates the feeling of being isolated and trapped. Will make a point of spending one hour outside a day.
-Maybe meditate or some shit? I have no idea.
Regardless I have a job interview in a couple of hours so hopefully that goes well. I can see my mood improving a lot just from talking to people I don't know and hopefully making a decent first impression. Appreciate everyone posting here and sharing their own struggles, makes me feel a little more comfortable with sharing mine. Extremely rambly but I hope you can see this for what it is
e: the pacing of this thing is actual torture. Anyone know some good writing resources lol
tl;dr: i am completely emotionally exhausted and think of nothing but giving up and becoming a shut in all the time and how awesome that would be. Meanwhile all my daily activities just revolve around me trying my best to stop thinking said thoughts, as I know from prior experience that I do not do well in isolation anyway.
^vent / context paragraph. Obviously these feelings are ephemeral. Hopefully I will feel better later today, or this weekend, etc. but it's difficult to visualize such things of course. At present I'm going to attempt to channel these antisocial tendencies into some more positive self-care and activity. My issue at present is being able to reckon with the fact that almost everything I do is just distracting me from thinking about my problems (there has to be a better word for this that doesn't intrinsically frame them as bad things, just matters that need a change in perspective to stop being stressors. Anyone get what I'm saying?) and not out of any intrinsic enjoyment (at this current moment in time). Idk if this is seen as an improper use for the thread but I'm just using this post to try and set out some goals for myself that have some kind of visibility and accountability (....lol).
Things I will try to do in the next couple of weeks:
-exercise more (?) - I do one hour of exercise daily but I could probably do this in the evenings as well. One of the few things I have control over in this scenario is how my body can change and function. Not that I am out of shape, but I could do better. Core workouts maybe.
-watch less youtube, use my phone less. Play less videogames. Screens hurt my eyes and also make me want to die because I am more acutely aware of how sedentary I am.
-read more books. Good idea generally. Have been reading a book on Korean literature to try and get in touch with my heritage some.
-go outside more. I hate being in my room despite spending almost all of my time inside it, as it exacerbates the feeling of being isolated and trapped. Will make a point of spending one hour outside a day.
-Maybe meditate or some shit? I have no idea.
Regardless I have a job interview in a couple of hours so hopefully that goes well. I can see my mood improving a lot just from talking to people I don't know and hopefully making a decent first impression. Appreciate everyone posting here and sharing their own struggles, makes me feel a little more comfortable with sharing mine. Extremely rambly but I hope you can see this for what it is
e: the pacing of this thing is actual torture. Anyone know some good writing resources lol
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Hey I am back after *checks notes* 4 years.
Now that I am done with school I have time for hobbies, and I am re-interested in the Smogon Metagames once again; problem, last time I was active here I was in a terrible mental state that was partially connected with me being fixated on stuff that lead to me be in serious depression and quite frankly the worst period in my life, it kind of feels like I am playing with fire with Pokemon battling here, but I also enjoy it (which I need because I am in a very different emotional state right now, rather not get into that) , I am looking I guess for ways to maintain a good balance to maintain my mental health, idk.
Now that I am done with school I have time for hobbies, and I am re-interested in the Smogon Metagames once again; problem, last time I was active here I was in a terrible mental state that was partially connected with me being fixated on stuff that lead to me be in serious depression and quite frankly the worst period in my life, it kind of feels like I am playing with fire with Pokemon battling here, but I also enjoy it (which I need because I am in a very different emotional state right now, rather not get into that) , I am looking I guess for ways to maintain a good balance to maintain my mental health, idk.
I had a similar issue during spl last year. I was in a horrible mental state with tons of bad things happening around my life, which then translated into my gameplay which led to me losing a lot and then feeling bad about it.
What i try to do nowadays is just play when im feeling well and try to distance myself for a bit if i feel like its affecting me in a negative way.
Having friends in the community is nice too, so you can just hang and nerd about with pokemon stuff without the pressure of playing if you dont feel like it.
Gl!!!
It'd be quite irresponsable of my part saying that considering I'm not someone who knows a lot about mental health, but experiencing emotions in this way could be a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), has a psychologist diagnosed you? It's a quite common personality disorder and it has treatment.
Again, I'm not a psychologist or something similar, that comment just came from my quite narrow point of view about mental health.
I used to have depression.
My depression used to be very weather dependent. I get very depressed during rainy days, but almost never get depressed during sunny days.
Rainy days can cause me to have very little energy, and may not be able to go to work. I'd even skip meals on rainy days.
The symptoms lessened after my dad painted my room bright pink.
My depression used to be very weather dependent. I get very depressed during rainy days, but almost never get depressed during sunny days.
Rainy days can cause me to have very little energy, and may not be able to go to work. I'd even skip meals on rainy days.
The symptoms lessened after my dad painted my room bright pink.
I really was thinking about counseling, or doing something but I’m really scared. Maybe people will think it’s B.S or that I’m just too sensitive. I’ve been feeling horrible recently, I lost my best friend recently after he discovered my furry lifestyle, and my dinosaur obsession as now he thinks I’m “Too old for this” Or I need to grow up. My beloved Border Collie, Eme died due to old age recently, and now my once friend is blaming me for it? Because of a hobby? We share classes together so he often hears what I talk about. I talk to my friend about how I go to the zoo, and he make sure smart ass remarks about it.
Life has just went downhill and it’s already been bad enough. I’ve been procrastinating and not very motivated for art. It feels like even people on smogon dislike me too, despite all the contributions I make because I prefer different things instead of Anime or whatever. I’ve just been super self aware recently, I miss being with my friend group without being actively judged, or me having to worry about people liking me. I just want to go home and cry.
I don’t know what to do.... I’m honestly thinking of leaving the furry fandom, And leaving my raptor stuff behind, even leaving Falkneraptor behind, Which sucks since I just finished his fursuit. just don’t know what to do.... It really hurts.
EDIT: One of my actual good friends invited me to their local furry group, as they don’t want me to leave the fandom and so I can make new friends. I hope it will help.
Life has just went downhill and it’s already been bad enough. I’ve been procrastinating and not very motivated for art. It feels like even people on smogon dislike me too, despite all the contributions I make because I prefer different things instead of Anime or whatever. I’ve just been super self aware recently, I miss being with my friend group without being actively judged, or me having to worry about people liking me. I just want to go home and cry.
I don’t know what to do.... I’m honestly thinking of leaving the furry fandom, And leaving my raptor stuff behind, even leaving Falkneraptor behind, Which sucks since I just finished his fursuit. just don’t know what to do.... It really hurts.
EDIT: One of my actual good friends invited me to their local furry group, as they don’t want me to leave the fandom and so I can make new friends. I hope it will help.
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No. Don't listen to him. If he wants to do all of this to you, don't be friends with him anymore! You know what I did with MY best friend when he opposed my way of life?! I quit being best friends with him and made a new one! That was 2 years ago, and it still stays like that to this day. I never had apologized, or decided to be best friends again, and I made sure that my new best friend was one that is really annoying to him. Was weird at first, but then I adjusted and he became pretty darn fun! He's tried to apologize to me for what he's done once I quit, and I still refuse to forgive him, even after 2 years. Because I'm not dealing with the nonsense he's put me through again. EVER.
And also, do NOT stop raptor stuff. You were inspiration for me to have the avatar I do (at the time of this message), your intro to your raptor thread has over 100 likes, users are beginning to do what I'm doing (although I'm likely the most popular one using your raptors as avatars), and if you stop this raptor business, you're ending yourself on Smogon. I saw this in my news feed. Don't give up on life just yet! Make new threads! Do stuff other than raptors, but still make raptors!
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Yeah I understand, but is it really worth it if people are going to just be mean to me because of it? It’s really hard to get over, we were friends since we were little kids and it hurts to see someone turn on me because of a simple interest, and blame me for the death of my own dog? I don’t know. The raptor thing was really popular when it first started as there were even moderators using them as avatars, but it’s died down a bit since then.
Yeah well same could be said about my old best friend, best friends since age 6, eventually opposed my life style after many years, and I still dunk him the way I do if he tries to become best friends with me. Make new best friends. I'm just being supportive and honest pal
Edit: OK this avatar is getting stale now but still
I usually don't do my best helping the people with words, I prefer giving my best hug, a kiss or an affection all day long. However, I wish the best for you and if you need a friend, you can talk to me, I am with you!Here I am after six weeks of being gone with more to come. And yes, it was all in the hospital. I'm only on a pass for a couple hours though so. Either way I thought I'd just give an update on the shit I'm going through. A lot was going on. I was stressed about schoolwork, was loosing interest in things like video games and drawing, and was starting to question a lot of the friendships I had. To expand, my teachers were overflowing me with work that I had missed due to my other hospitalizations (as I said in my previous post), and grades were more important to me than other at the moment since it's 11th grade, so college was on my mind. I was also being stressed with video games and drawing since I was constantly doubting my abilities, especially when comparing myself to pros at them. The whole friendship thing has been going on for a while, mainly IRL. I've been finding myself begging for people to be my friend (no, not literally) and I feel like the people I want to be friends with are just doing it out of pity and secretly judge me. Furthermore, I've lost two of my closest friends due to relationship stuff, and I only have myself to blame for it.
Because of all of this, I found myself lying in my bed one night with no idea what to do, and that just allowed the suicidal thoughts to kick in. I even joked about how "I wanted to get pills from my mom's room but my sister was in there" both on discord with some of you and via text with some of my "IRL friends". (Also there wasn't much reaction from some of the IRL people so that just makes me feel worse). And while it was presented as a joke, I was serious. The moment my sister left my mom's room I sneaked in there to find where she kept the containers of my medications. When I heard my sister coming back, I hadn't found them and left the room empty handed. However, I remembered something. My mom would leave out a couple days worth of my meds in weekly containers (one for am and pm and each container had a part for each day). So, I went to the kitchen and took three nights and two mornings worth of meds. There was no immediate effect, bar me going to sleep pretty much immediately after due to the pills consisting of 15 mg of a sleeping med. However, that next morning, I woke up very nauseous and when I walked flimsily to my bathroom I looked in the mirror and my eyes were dilated AF. I eventually told my mom that night and we happened to have a psychiatrist appointment the next day, and when I told them, that's when I was sent to the hospital for what qualified as overdosing and attempted suicide.
I spent my first three weeks in a normal mental hospital, but didn't feel any different. In fact, I got caught cutting myself a few times with random objects like a ripped part of my glasses case. Because of all of this, it was decided I would be sent to a state hospital, which is pretty much a hospital for longer stays, with the average apparently being about three months, but I'll probably be leaving by the end of august, after which I will go to a partial for six weeks. But this is all assuming I behave. Speaking of behaving, I've managed to keep my cool in the hosital despite various things that aggravate me like certain staff (they yell way too much and make me uncomfortable a lot), the fact I have to have a roommate (I do not have good experiences with those), and the food (they keep serving me fish despite the fact that I'm vegetarian). But I have to continue behaving if I want to go on more passes, which expand in time each time. The suicidal thoughts have gone down a little, or at least I think, but I'm still far from feeling better. For a funner way to end off, these are some of the people I've met on my adventure!
Despite that note, this has honestly been a horrible experience, and I just don't see it getting better. I'm actually hoping to get out of the hospital sooner since I see no way it is being helpful (though I doubt it will happen). But who knows, whenever I'm officially discharged maybe I'll feel just a tad better.
- The most, er, interesting person I've encountered is a black person that's a racist. Furthermore, she thinks she's smarter than everyone (in a creepy, not cocky, level) and thought I had a crush on her. But why did she "reject" me? Because I'm white.
- There were actually multiple girls that I found looking at me or even admitted to having crushes on me. I was also shipped a lot. It felt awkward to say I wasn't in to them though. Also I have no idea why someone would have a crush on me.
- In the state hospital, there are various people I like to call "zebras" due to their bodies being covered in scars from cutting themselves. We get along and enjoy making jokes about suicide and cutting ourselves.
- I've met a couple artists, and they've taught me how to improve on anime. They're pretty much my closest friends there.
- I ran into someone from my school and someone I met in partial. The guy from partial is my current roommate (he's cool, but I still prefer having my own room).
- Finally, while I did mention that there are some pretty shitty staff, there have also been some cool ones. Two of them taught me the basics of playing the piano and ukulele, respectively, and I already told my mom to order me one online (they are surprisingly cheap).
Alright just felt like I would give an update....
So some people were confused about the whole "blaming for dead dog" thing. Basically my "friend" was making horrible jokes about my dog's death due to the kero the wolf situation as a way to mock my furry crap... but now that's cleared up so the update...
I've been doing a bit better, I joined my local neighborhood furry group, and they are some of the nicest and most supportive people I've ever met. Spending time with these people have really helped with my general stress as I have someone to talk to when it comes to social problems, but I'm still having trouble getting over my old friends who I lost throughout the process of revealing my true self to them, which really hurts. I'm sure Ill get over it sometimes if the support of this wonderful group continues.
So some people were confused about the whole "blaming for dead dog" thing. Basically my "friend" was making horrible jokes about my dog's death due to the kero the wolf situation as a way to mock my furry crap... but now that's cleared up so the update...
I've been doing a bit better, I joined my local neighborhood furry group, and they are some of the nicest and most supportive people I've ever met. Spending time with these people have really helped with my general stress as I have someone to talk to when it comes to social problems, but I'm still having trouble getting over my old friends who I lost throughout the process of revealing my true self to them, which really hurts. I'm sure Ill get over it sometimes if the support of this wonderful group continues.
I'm glad things are going better now for you, and it's always great to make new friends.
Yes I check my news feed every so often, not all the time but often. But still glad things are getting better now though, even though I am not really a furry myself!
I suppose if I'm actually going to go through with this, I'll share my story in "short", point summaries. In this bullet, I'll attempt to explain the thoughts on my mind, but I'm going to introduce the background of how I came to be then really explain the pain in another post later on, so bear with me please...
If you've interacted with me on PS! at all, you could probably guess that I'm not exactly the best with people. Growing up, it had always been that way, and my own parents struggled with people as well. On one end, my father didn't have much of a paternal figure growing up; his father (my grandfather) left him when he was 5, and his mother (my grandmother) was an alcoholic. He also had two sisters (my aunts), one of which has now passed from pancreatic cancer and another who dissociates with my father, taking up the same role as my grandmother who was alcoholic. Often my father was the only one who, at an early age did his best to provide himself with a proper education, but even that led to providing for the remainder of the family as he had to take on the role of having 4 part-time jobs, even using that to support himself through college to which his sisters never entertained the idea of getting that education for themselves, and estranged themselves as a result. My mother on the other hand came from an incredibly large family in the Phillipines; a military family though with my second grandfather being an Admiral for the Phillipine Air Force. However, when she was younger, her father was rather stern and abusive on his children, especially his daughters, essentially training them to stay strong through any means necessary. When it came the time for my mother to complete her graduation, she left to the States to become a nurse, to heal those who have been hurt, though she could never find it to mend the scars of her own past. Take the backgrounds of these two souls, have them fall in love and create me with the same hopeful ideology, mixed with the general distrust of the family that was supposed to be their guiding light, and the fear of being forgotten; well it seems that I've followed suit in those paths.
It was difficult to make friends throughout my childhood; as the general distrust of my parents between everyone else made it so that I had to "pick and choose" who to be good friends with, or else they'd turn their backs on me like "all the rest." Absolutely no fear there, right? It didn't matter for most of Elementary and Middle School though; most of the people I had attempted to interact with didn't pay much attention to what I had to say anyways; just small chatter and they'd go back to their own cliques. The few people I had the pleasure of calling friends though soon turned disinterested in me, had to move, or were generally too busy with their lives to make time to at least, say hello. I simply came to accept it as "the way people are", and kept to myself. Nothing noteworthy came of this early childhood, except my obsession with music. I joined band in 6th grade and picked up a Clarinet for the first time; my teacher considered me a prodigy for my age, but my aloof modesty brushed it off as nothing more than hard work. The other students also could agree, but I doubt so since no one actually came up to me and complimented me on that. Flash Forward to a couple days before I leave Middle School, the High School band director approached our Music class in efforts to recruit 8th graders for the High School Marching Band. By this time, I had auditioned and performed with the All-State Middle School Ensemble twice and was awarded as the principal Clarinetist twice, formally recognized as the Concert Master. At that point in my life, I was never as determined to succeed at anything as I was with my passion for music, but I took a leap and joined that next summer. The costs were high, and my parents didn't have the money to spend, so I started to partake in weekly jobs such as babysitting the neighbor's children and pets, or mowing the lawn for the opportunity to pay off what I wanted. During that summer, I also rediscovered my old DS and picked up Pokemon Emerald for the first time since Elementary School, since there wasn't exactly anyone to hang out with during that span.
By the time I entered my freshman year of High School, it was an unfamiliar feeling. I had completed my first full Summer Band Camp, and people actually cared enough to know who I was. It was still challenging, since no one was still willing to hold a full length conversation with me, but I saw this as progress when it came to people. It would also be the year where I'd actually have my first phone and Social Media accounts (I could've asked for a phone earlier but until then I never found a reason to have one, until I discovered that fast communications between the Marching Band were between Facebook). I still didn't care much about technology; actually I came to develop the idea that this stuff pulls people more apart then it ever does together, so I often had my iPhone sitting in my room switched off most of the time. It wasn't like anyone would call or text me anyways, even though I did get a few phone numbers from the Clarinet section just in case it was ever needed.
It was also this year that I'd be formally introduced to a similar soul to mine (Let's call her Selena; not her actual name). I had known her throughout Middle School through music class, so it wasn't a total stranger, but I faintly remember whispers of other classmates comparing her as my musical rival, playing the Tenor Sax. She came from a similar mental background as me, not having that many connections and feeling isolated from the rest of society. I didn't talk to her that much before then, until we were walking opposite ways on the stairwell when she broke a heel and fell on my back. Selena ended up spraining her ankle and managed to cut my head open, so I ended up carrying her to the infirmary with blood dripping on my face while feeling faint from the open cut. It turned out that the sprained ankle she suffered ended up becoming a stress fracture, and me figuring that it would be the end of that school day for her and I, I used my phone for once to call my parents and tried to see if I could accompany her to the hospital. Neither answered and I left anyways, even though they were a bit upset that I accompanied someone to the hospital in my condition on my own power, without their approval. It was also on a Thursday, which was a Marching Band rehearsal, so I left a message for my section leader describing the situation and explained that I wouldn't be available for that rehearsal evening. It took 15 minutes or so to get to the hospital, and another 4 hours to wait for the doctors to accurately define her prognosis (kinda ridiculous it took 4 hours really), though the time spent when she wasn't getting examined for her fracture, I had the nerve to break some ice with someone for once, just chatting about life, how she was doing, what we were both interested in, how we got into music, and so forth. This kept going until 9 pm or so, my parents arrived to take me home, all the while looking exhausted from their work days. The hospital also happened to be 45 minutes away from the house, which equated to about 2 hours away from each of their workplaces, so they were noticeably angry at me being here.
By the time I got home, I was grounded for about a month and was yelled at for going to the hospital to help someone; it kept me up all night and left me groggy for school the next day. This was around the point where my family and I were seeing eye to eye less as I began the pursuit of who I wanted to become, and we started becoming disconnected from one another. Between my father's hard days, my mother's on-and-off work between a registered nurse (day shifts, night shifts, or both), and my own future and plans to look forward too, it was starting to spell discord between the small family that I had, and showed that their own problems with people had deeply affected their mindset and I was starting to take notice, and I knew that I should change for the better, though I knew it wasn't an easy road ahead. One of the best things about that night, was that at that time, for as long as I can remember, Selena actually enjoyed my company, and was most likely the first "friend" I had, and to my recollection, the first person that wasn't family to say "Thank you" and mean it.
I suppose this is where I stop for now; that just about covers the kind of isolated background I had growing up, but the next post I'll have will really explain the expanse of emotional turmoil that I've felt up to this point.
Thank you for being patient.
If you've interacted with me on PS! at all, you could probably guess that I'm not exactly the best with people. Growing up, it had always been that way, and my own parents struggled with people as well. On one end, my father didn't have much of a paternal figure growing up; his father (my grandfather) left him when he was 5, and his mother (my grandmother) was an alcoholic. He also had two sisters (my aunts), one of which has now passed from pancreatic cancer and another who dissociates with my father, taking up the same role as my grandmother who was alcoholic. Often my father was the only one who, at an early age did his best to provide himself with a proper education, but even that led to providing for the remainder of the family as he had to take on the role of having 4 part-time jobs, even using that to support himself through college to which his sisters never entertained the idea of getting that education for themselves, and estranged themselves as a result. My mother on the other hand came from an incredibly large family in the Phillipines; a military family though with my second grandfather being an Admiral for the Phillipine Air Force. However, when she was younger, her father was rather stern and abusive on his children, especially his daughters, essentially training them to stay strong through any means necessary. When it came the time for my mother to complete her graduation, she left to the States to become a nurse, to heal those who have been hurt, though she could never find it to mend the scars of her own past. Take the backgrounds of these two souls, have them fall in love and create me with the same hopeful ideology, mixed with the general distrust of the family that was supposed to be their guiding light, and the fear of being forgotten; well it seems that I've followed suit in those paths.
It was difficult to make friends throughout my childhood; as the general distrust of my parents between everyone else made it so that I had to "pick and choose" who to be good friends with, or else they'd turn their backs on me like "all the rest." Absolutely no fear there, right? It didn't matter for most of Elementary and Middle School though; most of the people I had attempted to interact with didn't pay much attention to what I had to say anyways; just small chatter and they'd go back to their own cliques. The few people I had the pleasure of calling friends though soon turned disinterested in me, had to move, or were generally too busy with their lives to make time to at least, say hello. I simply came to accept it as "the way people are", and kept to myself. Nothing noteworthy came of this early childhood, except my obsession with music. I joined band in 6th grade and picked up a Clarinet for the first time; my teacher considered me a prodigy for my age, but my aloof modesty brushed it off as nothing more than hard work. The other students also could agree, but I doubt so since no one actually came up to me and complimented me on that. Flash Forward to a couple days before I leave Middle School, the High School band director approached our Music class in efforts to recruit 8th graders for the High School Marching Band. By this time, I had auditioned and performed with the All-State Middle School Ensemble twice and was awarded as the principal Clarinetist twice, formally recognized as the Concert Master. At that point in my life, I was never as determined to succeed at anything as I was with my passion for music, but I took a leap and joined that next summer. The costs were high, and my parents didn't have the money to spend, so I started to partake in weekly jobs such as babysitting the neighbor's children and pets, or mowing the lawn for the opportunity to pay off what I wanted. During that summer, I also rediscovered my old DS and picked up Pokemon Emerald for the first time since Elementary School, since there wasn't exactly anyone to hang out with during that span.
By the time I entered my freshman year of High School, it was an unfamiliar feeling. I had completed my first full Summer Band Camp, and people actually cared enough to know who I was. It was still challenging, since no one was still willing to hold a full length conversation with me, but I saw this as progress when it came to people. It would also be the year where I'd actually have my first phone and Social Media accounts (I could've asked for a phone earlier but until then I never found a reason to have one, until I discovered that fast communications between the Marching Band were between Facebook). I still didn't care much about technology; actually I came to develop the idea that this stuff pulls people more apart then it ever does together, so I often had my iPhone sitting in my room switched off most of the time. It wasn't like anyone would call or text me anyways, even though I did get a few phone numbers from the Clarinet section just in case it was ever needed.
It was also this year that I'd be formally introduced to a similar soul to mine (Let's call her Selena; not her actual name). I had known her throughout Middle School through music class, so it wasn't a total stranger, but I faintly remember whispers of other classmates comparing her as my musical rival, playing the Tenor Sax. She came from a similar mental background as me, not having that many connections and feeling isolated from the rest of society. I didn't talk to her that much before then, until we were walking opposite ways on the stairwell when she broke a heel and fell on my back. Selena ended up spraining her ankle and managed to cut my head open, so I ended up carrying her to the infirmary with blood dripping on my face while feeling faint from the open cut. It turned out that the sprained ankle she suffered ended up becoming a stress fracture, and me figuring that it would be the end of that school day for her and I, I used my phone for once to call my parents and tried to see if I could accompany her to the hospital. Neither answered and I left anyways, even though they were a bit upset that I accompanied someone to the hospital in my condition on my own power, without their approval. It was also on a Thursday, which was a Marching Band rehearsal, so I left a message for my section leader describing the situation and explained that I wouldn't be available for that rehearsal evening. It took 15 minutes or so to get to the hospital, and another 4 hours to wait for the doctors to accurately define her prognosis (kinda ridiculous it took 4 hours really), though the time spent when she wasn't getting examined for her fracture, I had the nerve to break some ice with someone for once, just chatting about life, how she was doing, what we were both interested in, how we got into music, and so forth. This kept going until 9 pm or so, my parents arrived to take me home, all the while looking exhausted from their work days. The hospital also happened to be 45 minutes away from the house, which equated to about 2 hours away from each of their workplaces, so they were noticeably angry at me being here.
By the time I got home, I was grounded for about a month and was yelled at for going to the hospital to help someone; it kept me up all night and left me groggy for school the next day. This was around the point where my family and I were seeing eye to eye less as I began the pursuit of who I wanted to become, and we started becoming disconnected from one another. Between my father's hard days, my mother's on-and-off work between a registered nurse (day shifts, night shifts, or both), and my own future and plans to look forward too, it was starting to spell discord between the small family that I had, and showed that their own problems with people had deeply affected their mindset and I was starting to take notice, and I knew that I should change for the better, though I knew it wasn't an easy road ahead. One of the best things about that night, was that at that time, for as long as I can remember, Selena actually enjoyed my company, and was most likely the first "friend" I had, and to my recollection, the first person that wasn't family to say "Thank you" and mean it.
I suppose this is where I stop for now; that just about covers the kind of isolated background I had growing up, but the next post I'll have will really explain the expanse of emotional turmoil that I've felt up to this point.
Thank you for being patient.
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[rant]
I don't talk about this very much, but PTSD fucking sucks. I was diagnosed this summer, but I've had it for a lot longer, and I've just not been able to live a normal life since. I've lost my job and I've forgotten how to take care of myself. It's hard to leave the house alone. Frankly I probably shouldn't, cause if I have a panic attack in public (I've had a few close calls) then I won't have help. I'm just so much less independent and it's humiliating. I'm jealous of people who say that their traumas made them stronger or better people, because honestly, the exact opposite feels true for me. Something broke inside me the day I got hurt. Not a day goes by where I don't think about it. It's almost at the point where I'm bored while thinking about the worst thing that ever happened to me, just cause my brain refuses to go anywhere else. I just wish I knew how to move on.
I don't talk about this very much, but PTSD fucking sucks. I was diagnosed this summer, but I've had it for a lot longer, and I've just not been able to live a normal life since. I've lost my job and I've forgotten how to take care of myself. It's hard to leave the house alone. Frankly I probably shouldn't, cause if I have a panic attack in public (I've had a few close calls) then I won't have help. I'm just so much less independent and it's humiliating. I'm jealous of people who say that their traumas made them stronger or better people, because honestly, the exact opposite feels true for me. Something broke inside me the day I got hurt. Not a day goes by where I don't think about it. It's almost at the point where I'm bored while thinking about the worst thing that ever happened to me, just cause my brain refuses to go anywhere else. I just wish I knew how to move on.
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Well, I never thought I would try writing this out, especially not for smogon.
Hey, Im Zovrah. A non outside of OMs, nearly a non there too. Ive been dealing with depression for the past, idk, 6 months? I was officially diagnosed three weeks ago, but Ive known for a while what was wrong with me. I spent all the time feeling weighed down, far more crying than Ive ever done in the span of a few short weeks. What happened?
I lost maybe the only person I can ever say I loved.
No, theyre not dead. I havent completely lost them yet, really. But I may as well have. I'm trying to hold on but... Let me tell you a story.
A 12 year old hispanic boy, fresh out of the foster care system. Hes happy hes out, because he missed his two younger brothers (his oldest younger brother was with him) and his foster parents werent nice. But still, he doesnt really feel okay. His family isnt whole, his grandma, aunt, and mom are at constant odds with each other, using him as a midway (his dad hadnt been seen since he was four). Theyre angry at each other, and throw their thoughts all on him when he frankly couldnt care about their disagreements. He just wants to be left alone. He knows hes smarter, more mature than those his age. He doesnt understand why that means he has to carry the weight of keeping them from tearing his family apart.
He has to leave, too. New state for a new start, hes told. He doesnt feel the connections he has are very strong, but he felt accepted. He had friends. He didnt want to try to make new ones. Hed had to go through that struggle far too many times before.
The moment they arrive, another argument breaks out. His grandma decides shes leaving. He decides the adults in his life just arent worth the trouble.
School starts up. He doesnt expect to stay the full year, even less the one after. He plans to keep to himself, not make connections so he doesnt have to deal with breaking them so soon.
But god fucking dammit, when have plans ever followed through?
It started with a guy I hung around with. We had the same bus stop. I was the new kid who knew no one and he was the guy who knew everyone but didnt really hang with anyone. I don’t really remember what we bonded over, but we did. I figured he was a safe friend, with him being an 8th grader, it would be no surprise to lose him come summer. It was going to be short-lived, we both knew. We were okay with that.
Most of the time we spent together was before and after school, since we didn’t have classes together; only a bus ride. I always just sort of stood there when he was talking to friends he had on the bus. I didn’t really want to engage, but he introduced me anyway. It was a few guys and a girl whos name I wouldn’t learn the pronunciation of for a few weeks. For the sake of not having to use names, I’ll simply use “Her” when appropriate.
Her and I didn’t really talk much for the next few weeks. I usually set next to her on the school bus, cause my friend and I enjoyed sitting on parallel seats instead of next to each other. It wasn’t until an odd couple of days where my friend was repeatedly absent that we got to talking. It was easy, I never really had much issue talking to people regardless of gender. After a while I not so subtly started hinting that we exchange phone numbers, as my friend was an unresponsive texter and Her and I hardly talked outside when we were on the bus. After complaining about that for a bit, she offered Her number (again, neither of us terribly subtle) and I accepted.
It didn’t take long for me to realize I’d found an amazing friend.
I wish I’d known then how important they’d become.
We talked. A lot. I learned more about her than I thought was possible for that short span of time. And to this day, despite the good friends I’ve made in my time on ps and smogon, I still think there isn’t really anyone who knows me like they do.
The end of the year came. By then we each thought the other as our best friend. But for the first time in several months that school year, I dreaded going to school. It was the last day of the year and, for me, that meant it could very well be the last time I could see them. I didn’t want to have to leave. But I went anyway, keeping the mindset that I was going to enjoy this day with them, regardless of whether or not it was our last. I got on the bus and they weren’t there. When I got to school I immediately went off looking for Her. It took a while but eventually someone ran up from behind me and gave me a hug. No one but Her would do that. I turned around and I was stunned. I always thought she was pretty, but our school had a uniform that I’d never seen her out of. It was the last day of the year though, so no one cared. She was genuinely beautiful, I could see now.
It was then, that exact moment, that I knew.
She wasn’t a friend.
I knew I had fallen for Her.
The rest of the day was fantastic, but I got home and couldnt help but cry. I had no way to be sure I wasn’t moving away during the summer, and I didn’t get to tell her how I felt. We talked all summer and that fear that I would leave never left.
I ended up moving anyway, but luckily with enough pestering my mother I could go to the same school.
Fast forward to about… exactly December 8th. Great year up till then, had some trouble towards the beginning with not riding the bus and such, but our friendship had only gotten stronger. December 8th one of our conversations had somehow (I don’t remember) gotten to the topic of how all our friends enjoyed the idea of us being together. One thing led to another and I confessed. Even before that point platonic love was always there. I told her I loved her, her response was “I know.” I clarified that no, I really loved her. I was in love with her. She freaked out, predictably, before telling me she felt the same. I had never been happier than before that point.
So we were finally together, and that year is undeniably the best of my life. I helped her get a little more out of her shell, become a more confident person. Realize what she’s capable of, become more comfortable in her own skin. She did the same for me. I stopped being someone who loathed being outside of their home, who was less worried about trying to be the person others would expect me to be and be me instead. And I loved knowing that I had helped her towards becoming the best version of herself she could be. It made me feel like for once I meant something to someone, someone who wasn’t nearly obligated to care. That I was worth something, that if I was gone it would really matter to someone who wasn’t family. I was happy because I could make someone else happy.
Her parents made it hard for us to see each other.
She said she noticed another guy and that was enough grounds to end things.
She said she was wrong and wanted to try fixing things, like I suggested.
Her parents got in the way again.
She said she still cared and she didn’t want me to disappear from her life.
She said that maybe now wasn’t really our time and maybe we could try again in the future.
It hurt, but just being able to be her friend was better than nothing.
I didn’t need to be hers to help her be happy.
A few months later we made plans to see each other.
A few days before hand I was taken in by the state for a week. When I got out and into foster care, it was too late to see her again. She was going on vacation in 3 days and had no time. Something happened over there and that changed things. I know what happened, I just havent figured out why it caused what it did. But when she came back, she said she wasn’t ready to see me. A few weeks after that, she disappeared.
I was worried out of my mind, because that wasn’t like her, to disappear without word. After a week I contacted her mother, got word that they were on another trip and she didn’t have her phone. That helped me relax, cause she hadn’t had a phone all summer. I forgot what happened though, and the panic set in again. I started cutting. I reached out to old acquaintances I hadn’t really spoken to in months, trying to get any word that she was okay, that nothing had happened.
I found out she was testing me.
That was the first genuinely suicidal episode I had.
She came back after a month and I couldn’t stay mad. She said she had heard how I was on the verge of suicide and that made her feel awful and that she was sorry and could never be forgiven for what she’d done. And I couldnt stay angry. I just wanted it to be over.
Things seemed to get better from there but I dont know what happened because they got worse again.
Three weeks ago I had another episode and I wrote out a note. I carry it around everywhere because I don’t want it to be found and because I don’t know that I won’t use it.
Everyone tells me to let go, but I tried that. Things got worse. Ive given it a lot of thought and I really truly believe that I need to fix things. Even if it can never be truly repaired, if it does end, I can’t let it end like this. I think that fixing things is the only thing that can help me feel okay again.
So that’s my story, I guess. I left out a lot but nothing that’s really key.
Shoutouts to the hba bois, you know who you are. You've been there to listen since the start, and I don't understand how, but even if you guys are unequipped to truly help me, you have nonetheless.
Thanks for listening.
Hey, Im Zovrah. A non outside of OMs, nearly a non there too. Ive been dealing with depression for the past, idk, 6 months? I was officially diagnosed three weeks ago, but Ive known for a while what was wrong with me. I spent all the time feeling weighed down, far more crying than Ive ever done in the span of a few short weeks. What happened?
I lost maybe the only person I can ever say I loved.
No, theyre not dead. I havent completely lost them yet, really. But I may as well have. I'm trying to hold on but... Let me tell you a story.
A 12 year old hispanic boy, fresh out of the foster care system. Hes happy hes out, because he missed his two younger brothers (his oldest younger brother was with him) and his foster parents werent nice. But still, he doesnt really feel okay. His family isnt whole, his grandma, aunt, and mom are at constant odds with each other, using him as a midway (his dad hadnt been seen since he was four). Theyre angry at each other, and throw their thoughts all on him when he frankly couldnt care about their disagreements. He just wants to be left alone. He knows hes smarter, more mature than those his age. He doesnt understand why that means he has to carry the weight of keeping them from tearing his family apart.
He has to leave, too. New state for a new start, hes told. He doesnt feel the connections he has are very strong, but he felt accepted. He had friends. He didnt want to try to make new ones. Hed had to go through that struggle far too many times before.
The moment they arrive, another argument breaks out. His grandma decides shes leaving. He decides the adults in his life just arent worth the trouble.
School starts up. He doesnt expect to stay the full year, even less the one after. He plans to keep to himself, not make connections so he doesnt have to deal with breaking them so soon.
But god fucking dammit, when have plans ever followed through?
It started with a guy I hung around with. We had the same bus stop. I was the new kid who knew no one and he was the guy who knew everyone but didnt really hang with anyone. I don’t really remember what we bonded over, but we did. I figured he was a safe friend, with him being an 8th grader, it would be no surprise to lose him come summer. It was going to be short-lived, we both knew. We were okay with that.
Most of the time we spent together was before and after school, since we didn’t have classes together; only a bus ride. I always just sort of stood there when he was talking to friends he had on the bus. I didn’t really want to engage, but he introduced me anyway. It was a few guys and a girl whos name I wouldn’t learn the pronunciation of for a few weeks. For the sake of not having to use names, I’ll simply use “Her” when appropriate.
Her and I didn’t really talk much for the next few weeks. I usually set next to her on the school bus, cause my friend and I enjoyed sitting on parallel seats instead of next to each other. It wasn’t until an odd couple of days where my friend was repeatedly absent that we got to talking. It was easy, I never really had much issue talking to people regardless of gender. After a while I not so subtly started hinting that we exchange phone numbers, as my friend was an unresponsive texter and Her and I hardly talked outside when we were on the bus. After complaining about that for a bit, she offered Her number (again, neither of us terribly subtle) and I accepted.
It didn’t take long for me to realize I’d found an amazing friend.
I wish I’d known then how important they’d become.
We talked. A lot. I learned more about her than I thought was possible for that short span of time. And to this day, despite the good friends I’ve made in my time on ps and smogon, I still think there isn’t really anyone who knows me like they do.
The end of the year came. By then we each thought the other as our best friend. But for the first time in several months that school year, I dreaded going to school. It was the last day of the year and, for me, that meant it could very well be the last time I could see them. I didn’t want to have to leave. But I went anyway, keeping the mindset that I was going to enjoy this day with them, regardless of whether or not it was our last. I got on the bus and they weren’t there. When I got to school I immediately went off looking for Her. It took a while but eventually someone ran up from behind me and gave me a hug. No one but Her would do that. I turned around and I was stunned. I always thought she was pretty, but our school had a uniform that I’d never seen her out of. It was the last day of the year though, so no one cared. She was genuinely beautiful, I could see now.
It was then, that exact moment, that I knew.
She wasn’t a friend.
I knew I had fallen for Her.
The rest of the day was fantastic, but I got home and couldnt help but cry. I had no way to be sure I wasn’t moving away during the summer, and I didn’t get to tell her how I felt. We talked all summer and that fear that I would leave never left.
I ended up moving anyway, but luckily with enough pestering my mother I could go to the same school.
Fast forward to about… exactly December 8th. Great year up till then, had some trouble towards the beginning with not riding the bus and such, but our friendship had only gotten stronger. December 8th one of our conversations had somehow (I don’t remember) gotten to the topic of how all our friends enjoyed the idea of us being together. One thing led to another and I confessed. Even before that point platonic love was always there. I told her I loved her, her response was “I know.” I clarified that no, I really loved her. I was in love with her. She freaked out, predictably, before telling me she felt the same. I had never been happier than before that point.
So we were finally together, and that year is undeniably the best of my life. I helped her get a little more out of her shell, become a more confident person. Realize what she’s capable of, become more comfortable in her own skin. She did the same for me. I stopped being someone who loathed being outside of their home, who was less worried about trying to be the person others would expect me to be and be me instead. And I loved knowing that I had helped her towards becoming the best version of herself she could be. It made me feel like for once I meant something to someone, someone who wasn’t nearly obligated to care. That I was worth something, that if I was gone it would really matter to someone who wasn’t family. I was happy because I could make someone else happy.
Her parents made it hard for us to see each other.
She said she noticed another guy and that was enough grounds to end things.
She said she was wrong and wanted to try fixing things, like I suggested.
Her parents got in the way again.
She said she still cared and she didn’t want me to disappear from her life.
She said that maybe now wasn’t really our time and maybe we could try again in the future.
It hurt, but just being able to be her friend was better than nothing.
I didn’t need to be hers to help her be happy.
A few months later we made plans to see each other.
A few days before hand I was taken in by the state for a week. When I got out and into foster care, it was too late to see her again. She was going on vacation in 3 days and had no time. Something happened over there and that changed things. I know what happened, I just havent figured out why it caused what it did. But when she came back, she said she wasn’t ready to see me. A few weeks after that, she disappeared.
I was worried out of my mind, because that wasn’t like her, to disappear without word. After a week I contacted her mother, got word that they were on another trip and she didn’t have her phone. That helped me relax, cause she hadn’t had a phone all summer. I forgot what happened though, and the panic set in again. I started cutting. I reached out to old acquaintances I hadn’t really spoken to in months, trying to get any word that she was okay, that nothing had happened.
I found out she was testing me.
That was the first genuinely suicidal episode I had.
She came back after a month and I couldn’t stay mad. She said she had heard how I was on the verge of suicide and that made her feel awful and that she was sorry and could never be forgiven for what she’d done. And I couldnt stay angry. I just wanted it to be over.
Things seemed to get better from there but I dont know what happened because they got worse again.
Three weeks ago I had another episode and I wrote out a note. I carry it around everywhere because I don’t want it to be found and because I don’t know that I won’t use it.
Everyone tells me to let go, but I tried that. Things got worse. Ive given it a lot of thought and I really truly believe that I need to fix things. Even if it can never be truly repaired, if it does end, I can’t let it end like this. I think that fixing things is the only thing that can help me feel okay again.
So that’s my story, I guess. I left out a lot but nothing that’s really key.
Shoutouts to the hba bois, you know who you are. You've been there to listen since the start, and I don't understand how, but even if you guys are unequipped to truly help me, you have nonetheless.
Thanks for listening.
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Damn dude, I just read that whole thing and IDK if you want to hear advice but I'm gonna post it anyway. Forgive me if I make too many assumptions.
Our situations aren't the exact same but I totally know how it feels to be a 14/15 (did I get the timeline right?) year old who doesn't have an intrinsic sense of self worth. It sounds like you're looking at your relationship with this girl as proof that you have value. And when the relationship is going through a rough patch, you think it reflects on your worth as a person, or rather, lack thereof. Even in a stable relationship, this is unsafe and unhealthy, but this relationship frankly doesn't sound particularly stable on either side.
From what you've said, I'm pretty confident she isn't attracted to you anymore, but she still cares about you, and she started playing these games because she didn't want to have this difficult conversation. When your friends tell you that you need to move on, they're right. There's nothing you can do to put the attraction genie back in the bottle once it's out. And I'll clarify that there are a million reasons she could have stopped being attracted to you that are entirely not your fault. Her evaluation of you is not the same as the truth. Saying you've lost her puts the blame on you, which is blame you don't necessarily deserve. She chose to leave for any number of reasons, and they may not have anything to do with you.
Thing is, that's totally fine. First of all, there's so much more to your worth as a person than your ability to find a mate. Frankly, platonic friendships are more valuable than romantic ones, because you don't have all that pheromone shit muddying the waters. Though if you aren't convinced (I wouldn't have been at your age) then I have further good news for you.
Like I said, it seems like she still cares about you, and you mention having a lot of friends on Showdown, so I doubt you have a repellent personality. And as a man, as long as you take care of yourself, you'll only continue to get more attractive into your early thirties. So don't worry, because time is quite frankly on your side when it comes to finding romantic love until you're double your current age. Even if this is the only person you've loved so far, statistics say it's incredibly unlikely that you'll never find someone to replace her. Relationships (both platonic and romantic) come and go all the time. When a relationship is in the "go" phase it can hurt, but the time you put in wasn't wasted or lost, and another one will come soon enough.
I'm glad that it sounds like you're seeking help, since you mentioned an official diagnosis. Please keep that up. Double please stop cutting. And obviously triple please don't kill yourself. Hope these words were some comfort, you can make it dude.
Our situations aren't the exact same but I totally know how it feels to be a 14/15 (did I get the timeline right?) year old who doesn't have an intrinsic sense of self worth. It sounds like you're looking at your relationship with this girl as proof that you have value. And when the relationship is going through a rough patch, you think it reflects on your worth as a person, or rather, lack thereof. Even in a stable relationship, this is unsafe and unhealthy, but this relationship frankly doesn't sound particularly stable on either side.
From what you've said, I'm pretty confident she isn't attracted to you anymore, but she still cares about you, and she started playing these games because she didn't want to have this difficult conversation. When your friends tell you that you need to move on, they're right. There's nothing you can do to put the attraction genie back in the bottle once it's out. And I'll clarify that there are a million reasons she could have stopped being attracted to you that are entirely not your fault. Her evaluation of you is not the same as the truth. Saying you've lost her puts the blame on you, which is blame you don't necessarily deserve. She chose to leave for any number of reasons, and they may not have anything to do with you.
Thing is, that's totally fine. First of all, there's so much more to your worth as a person than your ability to find a mate. Frankly, platonic friendships are more valuable than romantic ones, because you don't have all that pheromone shit muddying the waters. Though if you aren't convinced (I wouldn't have been at your age) then I have further good news for you.
Like I said, it seems like she still cares about you, and you mention having a lot of friends on Showdown, so I doubt you have a repellent personality. And as a man, as long as you take care of yourself, you'll only continue to get more attractive into your early thirties. So don't worry, because time is quite frankly on your side when it comes to finding romantic love until you're double your current age. Even if this is the only person you've loved so far, statistics say it's incredibly unlikely that you'll never find someone to replace her. Relationships (both platonic and romantic) come and go all the time. When a relationship is in the "go" phase it can hurt, but the time you put in wasn't wasted or lost, and another one will come soon enough.
I'm glad that it sounds like you're seeking help, since you mentioned an official diagnosis. Please keep that up. Double please stop cutting. And obviously triple please don't kill yourself. Hope these words were some comfort, you can make it dude.
Hey there everyone, I am not posting a lot on Smogon Forums due to various reasons (mostly homework), but I am so glad there is a topic about depression, because I myself had some terrible experiences, in separate years.
NOTE: I am actually free from this demon, but I still feel the need to tell my story to people.
Enough, let's go.
First incident: 4 years ago, 2015
I had just entered middle school, when I was 13 years old. I was just a simple and quiet nerdy kid, just ignored by many people and being a very good studend (I was called a wonderkid by my teachers in elementary), until some bullies started to pick on me, because of one major reason: I was emotionally sensitive and reacted poorly to insults. This started once as simple taunting, but then people started spawning false rumours about me, such as being gay (chants like "Peter is gay" were rampant even though I am not gay) or, even worse, autistic and retarded, insults that still haunt me to the present day. (there is nothing wrong with autistic people, I personally know some who are very good and friendly people). The worst part of this experience was when I was invited to a party for one main reason: to be the punching bag, as I suffered terrible abuse at the hands of all the douchebags that were my classmates.
What made it worse was the fact that some teachers were against me as well, one of them outright saying that I must be transferred to a special needs school due to my somewhat spastic reactions I had at the time. In fact, that teacher deliberately dropped my grade just to make me look like a total fool. I still feel angry about this particular person, but I don't express it out loud. Besides, she was not mean to me the following years.
In general, teachers would not believe me about the bullying, because when you see a kid that is considered a retard crying, who is the culprit according to them?
I had virtually no friends back then, forcing me to stay inside home for a long time, which concerned my parents a lot. They did not know anything about it, so they were desperate to learn, but I refused to do so. This led to depression, which culminated in the development of another demon I faced for 4 years ever since starting, internet and gaming addiction, very severe at the starting point as I was literally sitting 12-14 hours at the computer, at one point even until 3-4 AM. These were horrible times.
Luckily, I made a friend who helped me endure this, as at that point I had developed suicidal thoughts (I told him even once "I AM GONNA KILL MYSELF".). After a day I was beaten up by a jock and embarrased in front of the entire school (I was the laughing stock of the school), he called my parents to inform everything going on. Then, I admitted everything was going on, prompting my father to contact a teacher who was a family friend and highly supportive of me to end this hell. The results of this was punishments for all the bullies, especially the main one, who was leading the pack, and a slow return to my normal life, after putting myself and my family into emotional turmoil.
My life would go back to normal, especially after overcoming internet addiction in late 2017.
However, this is not the end. Separate incident indeed, but what I am gonna say still haunts me in an even worse way.
Second incident: Late 2018-Early to Mid 2019
Remember when teachers called me a wonderkid and a top student? Well, in High School, these days faded away. As a result of internet addiction, I neglected my schoolwork in 10th grade, causing my grades to slip. At that point, I realised that I wanted to leave my current focus in schoolwork (I was a physics student, but I decided to go to economics in order to become a programmer), which caused me to shift entirely my focus. However, in the beginnings of 11th grade, I was forced to go to the physics class due to lack of an economics class for 11th graders, as the physics clash would split into two in 12th grade, physics and economics (I am currently in the latter).
I had told to myself that this would be the year that I would improve and stop the bullshit of the previous years. However, the opposite would happen due to my mental health literally collapsing. I will tell what would exactly happen during my worst ever school year, in all factors.
As I told before, I am quite a geek who loves non-mainstream stuff, am friends with pretty much every geek of my school community and would like to see a geeky girl show up. So, when I saw one particular girl that I had actually forgotten her existence in the previous years but would remember her later as one who would much my type, -surprise, surprise-, I fell in love with her at literally first sight.
My feelings at first were euphoric, and I was ecstatic, hoping that I would finally start a real relationship (I was obviously single, and still am, because which girl in a mainstream and conforming community like mine whould want the school geek?). However, they started to get too distracting, as I literally wasted lots of time thinking about her instead of doing important stuff, like schoolwork, which set off a terrible decline that I will explain right now.
Well, lemme tell you guys that I had to keep that crush a secret from everyone, except for a few trusted friends of mine. I have my reasons about this.
First, it is in my family. You see, that girl is originally from Albania, and this certain country is hated to most people of my country Greece, due to some stereotypes about crime existing. My parents are no exception to this, as they say that they are all evil backstabbers. The backlash I would recieve from my own family to liking someone from a "dreaded" country is obvious, so I kept my mouth shut when they asked me if I was crushing on anyone. They still don't know about my past feelings, and they will never learn.
Second, it is in my school in general. The class she is a part of has VERY close bonds, to the point they are like a fucking brotherhood or cult, and they are highly critical of students from the other classes. (same grade, but split evenly into 4 classes, all students there) Which meant that I was denied access to her class and try to approach her. Add my reputation as a highly controversial person, and this increased the difficulty of the situation. Also, it is worth mentioning that if something about love leaks around them, they WILL spread it everywhere.
Lastly, it was inside me. I am personally a very socially awkward and shy person, ESPECIALLY around girls, I simply did not possess the guts to speak to them out of fear of humilitation and failure. This is perhaps the biggest factor, since this forced me to keep it a secret all along from the school. Every time I attempted to speak to a girl, I would start stuttering and fail to even say a word. This happened every time she would be near me. Often my friends would speak so I would avoid slipping up and potentially ruining everything. A pain in the ass indeed, but was enough to not allow her to suspect anything about my odd and somewhat erratic behavior. (I would often sweat and get a hypertention everytime I made eye contact).
This emotional turmoil combined with my inability to adapt into schoolwork again started to take its toll on my mental health, which was starting to become more and more fragile every day.
My schoolwork problem in fact caused me to write some extremely awful grades, including failing a physics test and even being at risk of failing to even get past the lesson in first place. This caused me to have some really awful arguments with my parents, which led to me yelling at them and feeling like a total piece of junk that would fail in his life. Suicidal thoughts momentarily came back, but I stopped them. But this was not the real problem.
I had in general a real anger problem caused by my shitty mental state, which led me lashing out very violently, such as smashing stuff (I broke my keys and a shelf during these breakdowns), yelling very vulgar profanities and even threatening to beat up the world and such. I was not myself at that point, I was a monster. I would ruin my relationships with my family, treat my friends like scum, ignore everything in life and all the bad things you would expect from a person in this situation.
Then, a few months later, my already fragile mentality would collapse entirely...
After months of contemplating to tell my crush about my feelings in order to end this hell (I had frequent dreams about her, in one case 4 dreams in 4 successive days), I decided to finally admit it. A decision that I still regret.
I would step inside her class (with some help from my best friend due to being on the verge of getting a stress attack), ignore her toxic classmates, approach her (with help from one of her classmates that actually was a friend of mine), take her outside and finally say it.
And then, the inevitable happened: She rejected me, causing my inner word to collapse...
As for the consequenses, imagine how I would lash out, but far worse...
My sadness had hit a breaking point, until one day I finally snapped. One day that my sister pissed me off, I went ultra psychotic, starting to throw stuff everywhere, cursing in a horrible manner (even blasphemous insults that I heavily regret saying) and moving spastically while threatening to attack everyone. In the end, I started to cry loudly, screaming for this hell to end and asking for help. When my mother asked me what was bothering me, I would not answer why. In fact, I did not know why I was screaming for help. Only recently I realized that I snapped due to my inability to come to terms with the rejection as well as my personal anger for virtually ruining my life.
After this incident, I spoke to my friends about the severity of my situation and gave them a heart-felt apology for my past mistakes and behavior. They would help me come to terms with my situation and my feelings and allow me to remove depression for good.
The month after the end of the school year, I was finally free from this demon and started to restore everything I had runed during my depression stint, from interacting better with my family to improving my schoolwork and the such.
During holidays, I had some nasty flashbacks about all of this, along with dreams about my now former crush, but I overcame them after realizing that it is pointless to fight against them.
Present day: I am currently very happy, as my life is going forward to better stuff. I am a better student, a good friend and a good and cooperative family member. About that certain girl as well as my bullying experience, everything is just a distant memory of the past.
For all of those with similar stories with me, you are not and will never be alone. Always find someone to be at your side because this will guide you to freedom. I hope all you guys on this topic will understand me, even though it is not the most severe depression case you will see.
NOTE: I am actually free from this demon, but I still feel the need to tell my story to people.
Enough, let's go.
First incident: 4 years ago, 2015
I had just entered middle school, when I was 13 years old. I was just a simple and quiet nerdy kid, just ignored by many people and being a very good studend (I was called a wonderkid by my teachers in elementary), until some bullies started to pick on me, because of one major reason: I was emotionally sensitive and reacted poorly to insults. This started once as simple taunting, but then people started spawning false rumours about me, such as being gay (chants like "Peter is gay" were rampant even though I am not gay) or, even worse, autistic and retarded, insults that still haunt me to the present day. (there is nothing wrong with autistic people, I personally know some who are very good and friendly people). The worst part of this experience was when I was invited to a party for one main reason: to be the punching bag, as I suffered terrible abuse at the hands of all the douchebags that were my classmates.
What made it worse was the fact that some teachers were against me as well, one of them outright saying that I must be transferred to a special needs school due to my somewhat spastic reactions I had at the time. In fact, that teacher deliberately dropped my grade just to make me look like a total fool. I still feel angry about this particular person, but I don't express it out loud. Besides, she was not mean to me the following years.
In general, teachers would not believe me about the bullying, because when you see a kid that is considered a retard crying, who is the culprit according to them?
I had virtually no friends back then, forcing me to stay inside home for a long time, which concerned my parents a lot. They did not know anything about it, so they were desperate to learn, but I refused to do so. This led to depression, which culminated in the development of another demon I faced for 4 years ever since starting, internet and gaming addiction, very severe at the starting point as I was literally sitting 12-14 hours at the computer, at one point even until 3-4 AM. These were horrible times.
Luckily, I made a friend who helped me endure this, as at that point I had developed suicidal thoughts (I told him even once "I AM GONNA KILL MYSELF".). After a day I was beaten up by a jock and embarrased in front of the entire school (I was the laughing stock of the school), he called my parents to inform everything going on. Then, I admitted everything was going on, prompting my father to contact a teacher who was a family friend and highly supportive of me to end this hell. The results of this was punishments for all the bullies, especially the main one, who was leading the pack, and a slow return to my normal life, after putting myself and my family into emotional turmoil.
My life would go back to normal, especially after overcoming internet addiction in late 2017.
However, this is not the end. Separate incident indeed, but what I am gonna say still haunts me in an even worse way.
Second incident: Late 2018-Early to Mid 2019
Remember when teachers called me a wonderkid and a top student? Well, in High School, these days faded away. As a result of internet addiction, I neglected my schoolwork in 10th grade, causing my grades to slip. At that point, I realised that I wanted to leave my current focus in schoolwork (I was a physics student, but I decided to go to economics in order to become a programmer), which caused me to shift entirely my focus. However, in the beginnings of 11th grade, I was forced to go to the physics class due to lack of an economics class for 11th graders, as the physics clash would split into two in 12th grade, physics and economics (I am currently in the latter).
I had told to myself that this would be the year that I would improve and stop the bullshit of the previous years. However, the opposite would happen due to my mental health literally collapsing. I will tell what would exactly happen during my worst ever school year, in all factors.
As I told before, I am quite a geek who loves non-mainstream stuff, am friends with pretty much every geek of my school community and would like to see a geeky girl show up. So, when I saw one particular girl that I had actually forgotten her existence in the previous years but would remember her later as one who would much my type, -surprise, surprise-, I fell in love with her at literally first sight.
My feelings at first were euphoric, and I was ecstatic, hoping that I would finally start a real relationship (I was obviously single, and still am, because which girl in a mainstream and conforming community like mine whould want the school geek?). However, they started to get too distracting, as I literally wasted lots of time thinking about her instead of doing important stuff, like schoolwork, which set off a terrible decline that I will explain right now.
Well, lemme tell you guys that I had to keep that crush a secret from everyone, except for a few trusted friends of mine. I have my reasons about this.
First, it is in my family. You see, that girl is originally from Albania, and this certain country is hated to most people of my country Greece, due to some stereotypes about crime existing. My parents are no exception to this, as they say that they are all evil backstabbers. The backlash I would recieve from my own family to liking someone from a "dreaded" country is obvious, so I kept my mouth shut when they asked me if I was crushing on anyone. They still don't know about my past feelings, and they will never learn.
Second, it is in my school in general. The class she is a part of has VERY close bonds, to the point they are like a fucking brotherhood or cult, and they are highly critical of students from the other classes. (same grade, but split evenly into 4 classes, all students there) Which meant that I was denied access to her class and try to approach her. Add my reputation as a highly controversial person, and this increased the difficulty of the situation. Also, it is worth mentioning that if something about love leaks around them, they WILL spread it everywhere.
Lastly, it was inside me. I am personally a very socially awkward and shy person, ESPECIALLY around girls, I simply did not possess the guts to speak to them out of fear of humilitation and failure. This is perhaps the biggest factor, since this forced me to keep it a secret all along from the school. Every time I attempted to speak to a girl, I would start stuttering and fail to even say a word. This happened every time she would be near me. Often my friends would speak so I would avoid slipping up and potentially ruining everything. A pain in the ass indeed, but was enough to not allow her to suspect anything about my odd and somewhat erratic behavior. (I would often sweat and get a hypertention everytime I made eye contact).
This emotional turmoil combined with my inability to adapt into schoolwork again started to take its toll on my mental health, which was starting to become more and more fragile every day.
My schoolwork problem in fact caused me to write some extremely awful grades, including failing a physics test and even being at risk of failing to even get past the lesson in first place. This caused me to have some really awful arguments with my parents, which led to me yelling at them and feeling like a total piece of junk that would fail in his life. Suicidal thoughts momentarily came back, but I stopped them. But this was not the real problem.
I had in general a real anger problem caused by my shitty mental state, which led me lashing out very violently, such as smashing stuff (I broke my keys and a shelf during these breakdowns), yelling very vulgar profanities and even threatening to beat up the world and such. I was not myself at that point, I was a monster. I would ruin my relationships with my family, treat my friends like scum, ignore everything in life and all the bad things you would expect from a person in this situation.
Then, a few months later, my already fragile mentality would collapse entirely...
After months of contemplating to tell my crush about my feelings in order to end this hell (I had frequent dreams about her, in one case 4 dreams in 4 successive days), I decided to finally admit it. A decision that I still regret.
I would step inside her class (with some help from my best friend due to being on the verge of getting a stress attack), ignore her toxic classmates, approach her (with help from one of her classmates that actually was a friend of mine), take her outside and finally say it.
And then, the inevitable happened: She rejected me, causing my inner word to collapse...
As for the consequenses, imagine how I would lash out, but far worse...
My sadness had hit a breaking point, until one day I finally snapped. One day that my sister pissed me off, I went ultra psychotic, starting to throw stuff everywhere, cursing in a horrible manner (even blasphemous insults that I heavily regret saying) and moving spastically while threatening to attack everyone. In the end, I started to cry loudly, screaming for this hell to end and asking for help. When my mother asked me what was bothering me, I would not answer why. In fact, I did not know why I was screaming for help. Only recently I realized that I snapped due to my inability to come to terms with the rejection as well as my personal anger for virtually ruining my life.
After this incident, I spoke to my friends about the severity of my situation and gave them a heart-felt apology for my past mistakes and behavior. They would help me come to terms with my situation and my feelings and allow me to remove depression for good.
The month after the end of the school year, I was finally free from this demon and started to restore everything I had runed during my depression stint, from interacting better with my family to improving my schoolwork and the such.
During holidays, I had some nasty flashbacks about all of this, along with dreams about my now former crush, but I overcame them after realizing that it is pointless to fight against them.
Present day: I am currently very happy, as my life is going forward to better stuff. I am a better student, a good friend and a good and cooperative family member. About that certain girl as well as my bullying experience, everything is just a distant memory of the past.
For all of those with similar stories with me, you are not and will never be alone. Always find someone to be at your side because this will guide you to freedom. I hope all you guys on this topic will understand me, even though it is not the most severe depression case you will see.
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