Serious Relationships and Sex Ed Thread

alternatively: How they heck do you know what you like if you haven't tried it?
1.Take a psychology class for introspective.
2.Assess your life with regard to what you want to do and where you want to be in the future.
3.Just talk to people and get to know them. Yes, this means close friends of the attractive sex.

Tadah. You're now self aware and are getting to know people without the pretext of having to be "for" each other.
 
I love her all the time and I see us together for a long time still. She just peeves me more often than not, but the other time is so sweet.
You can't look at it as a "sometimes it's this, other times it's this" way. You need to think about how you feel about the relationship as a whole. Just because it's great at times doesn't mean it's a relationship to continue investing in.

Basically my problem is that she has no capacity to see things from an uninvested viewpoint. So it's like me actively trying to see events from a macro utilitarianist pov, while she sees things only from a personal utilitarianist pov.
You can't change the way people think unfortunately for the most part.

In addition she is stubborn and averse to change while I am a chronic devil's advocate and look at change as potential.
You can NEVER expect people to change in a relationship. This is a big golden rule. If change happens, then it happens and you roll with it, but if you go in thinking you can change someone, that's a HUGE red flag on your part.

It also means that when we have an argument. She goes from annoyed to mad as all hell while I cycle from having the time of my life to getting frustrated and back again.

There's also the point that we are co-dependent on each other. She has depression and clinical anxiety while I have a sort of personal duty thing going on in my head. We also live together and both have nowhere to move if we were to split up. We're happy together for the most part, but she takes spats very hard atm and they seem regular.
It does not sound like you're co-dependent on each other. In fact, it sounds like you're only still dating her because you're afraid of the consequences if you break up.

One of my best friends was in a very similar relationship to this. He recently broke up with his girlfriend, worrying about the same things you were. I won't lie to you, the aftermath isn't pretty (My friend group is also friends with the girl, and are very worried about her at the moment. She kind of entered this crazy "I need to fuck everything that moves" stage). However, my friend is very happy that he did it, because it was something that needed to be done since she was completely dependent on him.

At the end of the day, you need to be in a relationship that is healthy and that you are happy in. If both of these things aren't true, you should break up.
 

Woodchuck

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1.Take a psychology class for introspective.
2.Assess your life with regard to what you want to do and where you want to be in the future.
3.Just talk to people and get to know them. Yes, this means close friends of the attractive sex.

Tadah. You're now self aware and are getting to know people without the pretext of having to be "for" each other.
I don't mean to be provocative, but this screams "preachy virgin." Every individual has different perspectives and ways of making friends / forming relationships, and it's pretty presumptuous to discount every relationship that didn't end in marriage/death as a failure. Do you believe in soulmates? Do you think there is one person you are destined to be perfectly compatible (or as compatible as you will be with anyone) with? Are you Deck Knight?
 
1.Take a psychology class for introspective.
2.Assess your life with regard to what you want to do and where you want to be in the future.
3.Just talk to people and get to know them. Yes, this means close friends of the attractive sex.

Tadah. You're now self aware and are getting to know people without the pretext of having to be "for" each other.
Uh, yeah, this is nice and all, but it is still just theory. Just because you took a course for studying your own feelings doesn't mean that you will suddenly know exactly what you want. You can assess what you want in your life all you want, you still won't know what you truly want until you are actually in the situation itself. If you seriously think that you can fully and accurately determine exactly what you want in a relationship, and thus know exactly who you want to date, without actually having been in a relationship in the first place, then you are a fool and need to grow up.
 

Chou Toshio

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1.Take a psychology class for introspective.
2.Assess your life with regard to what you want to do and where you want to be in the future.
3.Just talk to people and get to know them. Yes, this means close friends of the attractive sex.

Tadah. You're now self aware and are getting to know people without the pretext of having to be "for" each other.
And in a job interview, no one gives a crap which classes you've taken compared to actual experience.

Believe it or not, real experience with several partners is a better teacher with more insight (and more heartbreak => personal growth) than anything you've listed there; you stand to learn a lot more about yourself.

I'm not saying it's for everyone, but thinking "more relationships = more failures (bad)" is misguided at best. For many, the "loves of the past" are things that shaped them, often for the better, to be stronger, and have helped to add up to a rich and fulfilling youth/life.
 
ooh, I said something unpopular. There's a lot of people to respond to, so I'll just quote none of you and hope people just come back to read this. So here's the in depth explanation:


What I don't like is the idea that the best way to get to know a person of interest is to start dating them. Getting to know someone before making that step, and being real about where you're going in life can save you a lot of trouble rather than finding out once you've already considered yourselves together. Yes, you will still have to make the step eventually where you start an official relationship, and you can't possibly know them in full before doing so or you'd never get to that point. I'm saying be smart and scout first, which can eliminate a lot of bad matches without getting too deep. It's good to know things like what they are interested in, what they believe, and how they handle problems. Yes, most people will have several relationships, and learn from them. The people who have the most relationships are clearly learning nothing though, as they keep rolling through them. Rather than just throwing yourself back in, educate yourself. Think over what happened last time and what both of you did wrong. Listen to people who've already made mistakes, because they're trying to stop you from screwing up yourself.

So yes, you definitely will make mistakes but please: work smarter, save yourself some trouble. You know... like you should do with everything.


Side note: Soulmates are bull honkey. There are people you can live your life with, and people you can't. If there is in fact a perfect person for you on this planet, you statistically should never meet them. Some people just aren't in a good position in their lives to be in a relationship at all, and need to sort themselves out.
 
Chaoswalker Of course you should get to know someone before you decide to try and form a relationship. It can help immensely with figuring out what you want in a partner, and whether or not you want to date the person. That wasn't the issue I had with your post. The issue was that you were basically saying that you can know exactly what you want from a relationship without actually being in a relationship, which just isn't true. At that point in time, you may know what you want out of a relationship, but the simple fact is that these expectations can change, sometimes quite dramatically. Hell, they can change in the middle of the relationship. You just can't know what you truly want out of a relationship and how you will feel about the relationship just from forming a list of what you believe to be characteristics you want in your partner.

And really, dating someone is the best way of getting to know someone if you plan to try and nurture a relationship. People act very differently depending on how they view the relationship between you and them. Dating offers a way of "testing the waters" and seeing if a relationship has potential. You also get to know the person in a more intimate and personal way through dating, so really, dating is one of the best ways that you can know a person that you have feelings for.
 
I think there's a lot more we can do to learn about ourselves by methods besides seeing how we feel in different situations.

For example: Me and my friends do a thing called a "peer review." Now I do understand this sort of thing isn't for everybody, as I am very close to my friends. Once in a while (say twice a year maybe, if even that often) we sit down and take turns saying what we think is wrong with each other. This brings about moments like "Hey man, you've been acting kinda (insert) lately and it's been bothering everyone." It's an encouraged time to address and work out problems in individuals, and you walk away with a very clear picture of what your worse qualities are and how to work on them.

As for knowing what you want from a relationship, I think I do agree that you have to be involved in at least one to get an idea of what it even demands. All the combat training in the world doesn't prepare you for actual fighting. Of course the guy with more training does do better when thrown in. There's also the matter of most people having different ideas of what the point of a relationship is and what stands to be gained from one, something that should probably be discussed very early on in relationship, or even before starting it if you can. It can be very troubling to find that you were expecting long term, and your partner has just been going with the flow.

In the end, I really just think people should do more thinking (and listening) when it comes to relationships. Most let it be a feelings dominated process and I think that's where a lot of the problems come from. Your feelings tell you what you only what you want, not what you need.
(I'm not aiming these statements at anyone in particular. I don't want anyone to feel like I'm calling them out.)
 

Chou Toshio

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For instance, one thing I learned in my dating that I couldn't perceive before hand: I want a partner who's more open, and more honest, and holds back less.

It is pretty typical for both men and women to refrain from holding back their opinions or talk about what's bothering them-- being worried about offending or hurting the other party, or just chicken to rock the boat. Of course, this has varying severity in each culture (with it being much less of an issue between Americans compared to Japanese, and simply non-existent when dealing with very blunt Chinese people), but people also have varying tolerance for candidness as well.

There's a reason why we all learn manners and learn not to offend people; and many partnerships, romantic and otherwise, just work better when there ISN'T 100% relay of all personal information (not due to dishonesty, but due to tactfulness).

As I said, people have different comfort zones of "too much" and "too little"; take me, "more in better" in most cases-- and I would be annoyed as hell to date a mouse of a woman always keeping her complaints inside. That said, some blunt Chinese women I've met ("Wow, I thought you had a nice body until you took your shirt off!") wouldn't have been a good match either...

This is just an example of one self-aspect that's hard to discern in yourself without experience, and EVEN HARDER to discern in your partner until you've dated them more thoroughly.



There are definitely people who make it work with less experience. For instance Japanese, while less open and honest communication compared to Americans, also have strongly ingrained culture that makes people more like-minded from the onset (ie. less need for open communication, higher chance of compatibility without much get-to-know-you). Highschool/middle school Japanese relationships usually take a minimum of 3 years and last a life time with a much higher rate compared to Americans. That said, pull up the birth rate numbers and you'll see their method isn't exactly successful either.

Then you look back at the American divorce rate numbers. lol
 
Is your girlfriend receiving any professional counselling? If not, that should be the first thing you do; her college probably has some free or discounted ones that she can see.

It's quite a common problem, in my experience, that people suffering from mental illness and depression will become very reliant on the people in their life in ways that those people can't ultimately fulfil. It's noone's fault, but professional insight is essential in managing these things, or it will consume the relationship.
 

Myzozoa

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Dependent relationships are, in my experience, a bad route to go down. I agree with mr. indigo that she should get counseling in pursuit of her mental well-being. Right now, I suspect, YOU are playing the role of therapist for her (amongst many other people you embody for her vis a vis your dependent relationship: lover, priest, best friend, roommate, can you be her therapist too?) a situation that has and will continue to put a strain on your relationship. Further, should you wish to break up with her at some future juncture, it will be a much more painful and morally compromised ordeal because it will likely be accompanied by tons of anxiety attacks on her end, and you will be one, if not the only, person she can rely on to help her with anxiety attacks. It's a real trap that you're coming up on, whether you believe this from me or not.

Actually, the best first step might be for you to go to a counselor and tell them about your situation so that they can advise you on how you can help her and help yourself.
 
(Relating to the OP) Though I'm not attracted to humans as much as non-humans, I have had a couple of male human boyfriends during my life. I had lost my virginity to my last ex when I was 17 and haven't had ANY physical intercourse for a while now and I'm 20 years old. I had foddled and played with my ex's and other male humans in the past but I could never have a solid relationship with any of them. I'm quite content now with my current partner but I wouldn't mind being in a relationship with another man for the time being alive.
_______

I dumped my last ex boyfriend due to the fact that he wasn't responsible enough to take the role of a actual mate. He kept pestering me to deliver him nude pictures of myself on the phone as well as annoy me with many other things as well. He is good for a friend but not an actual boyfriend

My other ex just dumped me with no reason at all.

I don't really give out my sexual life that much but I did feel like sharing my little life experiences with my ex boyfriends.
 
Would I be correct in assuming Shadow is your current partner? Are you foreseeing problems actually following through on the marriage in a legal sense?
You are correct and no. I could marry him any time even while alive but I want to wait till I pass over so I could do it face to face with him. The method I wish to carry out with the marriage doesn't need the approval of this world since I would be getting married to him in another dimension and world.

I could choose to Astral Project and do it but I feel that it will be more formal to wait till the day I die so I can be with him on the same grounds to get married. I am in no rush. And I'm not that good in Astral Projection yet anyways, I would need at least another good year of practicing till I can get a better hang of it.

All of this is based on my spiritual beliefs of a form of metaphysics, extraterrestrial, astral, starseed related things and what people call "New Age Mysticism".
 
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AB2

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(Relating to the OP) Though I'm not attracted to humans as much as non-humans, I have had a couple of male human boyfriends during my life. I had lost my virginity to my last ex when I was 17 and haven't had ANY physical intercourse for a while now and I'm 20 years old. I had foddled and played with my ex's and other male humans in the past but I could never have a solid relationship with any of them. I'm quite content now with my current partner but I wouldn't mind being in a relationship with another man for the time being alive.
_______

I dumped my last ex boyfriend due to the fact that he wasn't responsible enough to take the role of a actual mate. He kept pestering me to deliver him nude pictures of myself on the phone as well as annoy me with many other things as well. He is good for a friend but not an actual boyfriend

My other ex just dumped me with no reason at all.

I don't really give out my sexual life that much but I did feel like sharing my little life experiences with my ex boyfriends.
I know how you feel. I am also a straight zoosexual and I am currently engaged to the once-ler (even though he was shipped with The Lorax quite a bit back in his wild days). I have had a lot of out of body experiences and I have traveled to Sonic's home planet (sorry, I read your information thread and I have many of the same feelings that you do). I am also very happy with my partner and I am really glad that I have found someone who feels the exact same way. I have also experimented with other people and lost my virginity around the same time, but I did not feel any satisfaction with human beings so I realized that I was meant for more.
 

AB2

is an absolute ape
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Oh yeah? I also read your information on threads and your profile. I'm not falling for it, sorry...
Gee I never thought that someone so much like me would be so discriminatory against someone with similar beliefs. I really think that you should get checked out because it wouldn't make any sense as to why you wouldn't believe me since we have many of the same feelings. I can even meet you in real life so we can have a chat about our feelings. I'll be at the Cleveland Zoo in the zebra cage if you ever want to chat it up.
 

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