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CAP 15 CAP 4 - Part 14 - Dex Submissions

Discussion in 'CAP Process Archive' started by bugmaniacbob, Nov 11, 2012.

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  1. Jebus McAzn

    Jebus McAzn

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    Aurumoth, the Seraph Pokemon

    Black: They are nearly invisible when their wings are tucked in, leaving only its horns visible. Aurumoth are prideful Pokemon, however, and will become belligerent upon being mistaken for Sawsbuck antlers.

    White: An Aurumoth can bend light with its six wings, and tends to avoid battles by disguising itself as anything from a tree to a Pokemon Center.

    Black 2 / White 2: Aurumoth often disguise themselves as legendary Pokemon to scare away enemies. Unfortunately, this tends to lead to a dramatic spike in reported Ho-Oh sightings.



    Justification: I kept it light and humorous, with the White entry a little more lighthearted than the Black entry. The BW2 entry was inspired greatly by Verminator's submission. I kept allusions to both its Illusion ability and KoA's lore about how it tends to cover itself with its wings.

    I'm still looking for feedback - personally, I'm bothered with the phrasing in the second half of the White entry, and I don't like the fact that the word "disguise" is used twice between the White entry and the BW2 entry, and that "invisible" and "visible" are used in such close proximity in the Black entry. No other words seem to fit as well, though.
  2. Scoopapa

    Scoopapa

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    Final Submission

    Aurumoth, the Golden Moth pokemon.

    Black: If fully encased inside of its golden shell, it can withstand any attack. In rare cases, two Aurumoth combine shells to form an impenetrable barrier.

    White: The wings, when struck, produce a tone so beautiful that whoever hears it forgets where they are. To avoid being struck, Aurumoth hide from humans.

    B2W2: It hoists its massive shell with telekinetic powers. It can use the shell for any task, from combat to socialization.
  3. WebsterVanCooney

    WebsterVanCooney

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    Final Submission

    Aurumoth, the Golden Moth Pokèmon.

    Black: It lives in almost complete solitude. To avoid interaction with others, Aurumoth will often disguise themselves as unfriendly pokèmon like Beedrill.

    White: It seals itself inside of its brightly shining wings at night, seemingly hiding itself from the darkness. Because of this, many believe Aurumoth are actually scared of the dark.

    Black/White 2: On occasion, it uses its glowing wings to attract other Aurumoth, forming large, energetic flocks that are commonly known as "Moth Pits."
  4. RabidChipmunk

    RabidChipmunk

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    Yeah, I'm actually inclined to agree with Verminator here. Feel free to tell me no and throw me out for saying this, but I feel trying to be blatantly comical with Aurumoth's dex entries betrays it as a Pokemon, considering it's pseudo-legendary status, it's regal appearance and the fact it's based on Seraphim, which aren't particularly comical. If we were coming up with dex entries for something like Fidgit, then yeah I can see where being funny would fit within the design, but I don't see it working with Aurumoth.
  5. nyttyn

    nyttyn No regrets
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    Final Submission

    Aurumoth, the Guardian pokemon.

    Black: It has protected humans since ancient times, resulting in it being seen as a guardian angel.

    White: Its wings are worth a fortune on the market for the few who can manage to acquire them.

    Black / White 2: While its wings are worth a fortune, there is a stigma against selling them due to it being seen as a guardian angel.
  6. GRs Cousin

    GRs Cousin

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    I'm not looking to argue with you, bugmaniacbob, but I am standing my ground on this. Humor is not the main basis for a Pokedex entry, and forcing it to be will be going specifically against the standard. It's your job to direct the CAP towards a positive direction, and we had unwitty entries before, and you want Aurumoth's entries to fit your vision--I get it, but the way you're going at this is unprofessional and, dare I say it, abusive of your position.

    By selecting submissions specifically because they make you laugh, you're turning the flavor portion of a community project into the segment that appeals to you in specific, leaving the rest of the community out of mind. A personal bias that enforces an entire community to adapt is one thing when it can actually affect the outcome of a project's success. But by having this bias during the flavor portion of CAP4, you're denying the community its right to speak its mind.

    Take this into consideration. The sole example you're using for our submissions, was not even a candidate in the second poll of Necturine's Dex Poll. In fact, not only did it not receive sufficient voting, but it was the second least voted for of the bunch, short of the least favored by a vote. I'm not trying to belittle you by showing this. I'm pointing out that the community's vision of flavor in a dex entry is much different from your own. If we wanted our CAPs' Pokedex entries to be funny before informative, your submission would have done a lot better. Enforcing us to follow the style of one of your own submissions will do nothing for the CAP other than appeal to you specifically.

    I'm asking in all of this that you do one of two things. Either give us an elaboration as to why it's so important that Aurumoth's entries are light-hearted beyond "Because I think so", or slate entries without humor as the primary factor of a submission's quality. If a slated entry is humorous, that's fine, just don't make that quick chuckle more important than providing insight onto Aurumoth.
  7. capefeather

    capefeather no shit
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    Forget it, I'm not reading the other entries (yet) and I'm going to write my own blind, without any other entries influencing me. I'm probably wasting my time but whatever.

    Species name: Majestic Pokémon

    BLACK: They went into hiding following a wave of bug catchers who wanted their wishes granted.

    WHITE: They were nearly driven into extinction by religious fanatics who believed they could survive fire.

    SEQUELS: In ancient times, a swarm of Aurumoth went to destroy a city, only to spare it for the sake of ten good people.

    Black talks about wishes because Black is about IDEALS. White talks about fire because its mascot is a Fire-type. The sequel entry is a reference to the Sodom and Gomorrah story. Yeah, definitely wasting my time...

    Also why is it that people are so concerned about flavour and why-so-seriousness in name and dex submissions, but base their favoured movepool submissions on puns / tiny references / humour at the cost of movepool precedent? idgi...
  8. I think the difference between choosing to vote for one style of flavour and only having the option to choose one style is fairly clear. I don't like that bmb is doing this either, but it's allowed as far as I know, so we might as well see what kind of humour we come up with. Whether it should be allowed is a question for another time. All of that said, I got a chuckle from your entries, so score one for bmb's style I guess.
  9. Adams

    Adams

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    Aurumoth the Golden Moth Pokemon

    Black: Aurumoth's tail glows when near precious jewels.
    White: Aurumoth's thin wings, made of gold, can envelope it's entire body for protection.
    B2/W2: Aurumoth is passed down through stories as a protector of evil things.
  10. LouisCyphre

    LouisCyphre heralds disaster.

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    Backing this. Subtle and wry has its place, perhaps, but not outright mocking of the mon in question. Even Farfetch'd, Spinda, and other franchise butt-monkeys avoid being openly teased in their entries. Reducing an imposing and flavorfully powerful mon like Aurumoth to a velcro-stripper is simply bad form.

    We can tone it down a bit, perhaps, but certainly not that low.
  11. nyttyn

    nyttyn No regrets
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    I honestly don't think Aurumoth is the time or the place for suddenly having amusing dex entries, especially as amusing really isn't the 'precedent' for a proper dex entry anymore.

    Exhibit 1: Chandelure.

    Creepy pokemon. Serious pokemon.
    Its dex entry is very morbid and far from humorous.


    Exhibit 2:

    Stunfisk, supposedly a "joke" pokemon.

    Not only does it directly mention prey, but it kills its meals with a smile on its face.

    Exhibit 3:

    Yamask, a example of a 'cute' pokemon.

    Every single time you breed one, you are enslaving someone's soul. Befriending it if you catch it in the wild, sure, but where do you think those Yamask you breed come from?



    So while I can understand your desire to break free from all the serious entries that typically litter CAP...

    This statement is personal bias, as 'proper' dex entries more then infrequently include morbidness as their modus operandi. Even on supposedly 'funny' pokemon. Not to mention all the entries that are just plain-out serious. And Aurumoth's measurements as well as intimidating gaze and the fact that we've been building up/hyping 'seraph' flavor this entire CAP don't lend themselves to a dex entry that is primarily written with humor in mind. Sure, it can be witty or dry humor, but funny for the sake of being funny? That's just forcing a funny entry simply because CAP dex entries are usually not in your favor.
  12. jagged_angel

    jagged_angel

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    I tried to include some humour, but I wanted the entries to reference Aurumoth's concept and abilities also. These entries try to cover a lot of detail in short sentences - I never realised Pokedex entries were so short until I tried writing them. I made reference to the concept, to Aurumoth's solid gold wings, Weak Armour, it's angelic nature, Illusion, Wish/Healing Wish, Dragon Dance/Quiver Dance, and the fact that it has significant attacking prowess.

    Final Submission

    Aurumoth, the Golden Angel Pokèmon.

    Black: Aurumoth's gold wings make them attractive to thieves. Stealing them can be a risky business as the wings may crumble into dust.

    White: Aurumoth has been known to appear is if from nowhere and grant the wishes of good-hearted trainers in need.

    Black 2/White 2: When Aurumoth is angered it will dance menacingly. It uses psychic power to wield its solid gold wings as a weapon.
  13. Yilx

    Yilx Sad
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    Final Submission

    The SHINING Pokemon

    B: Although forest-dwelling, Aurumoth are willing to go far to improve themselves, even as far as watching sealife perform inexplicable feats.
    W: It is said that Aurumoth are usually sighted during the darkest hours of humanity, bringing salvation in the form of honey to the masses.
    B/W2: Aurumoth are said to appear in swarms when the North Star is at it's brightest, observing the Big Dipper in unknown silence.
  14. Shelmet

    Shelmet

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    Final Submission

    .... Raseri told me I wasn't funny but whatever....

    Aurumoth, the Holy Moth Pokemon

    Black: Legend has it that a Kakuna was molested by Arceus. The Kakuna's evolution resulted in the first Aurumoth.

    White: Aurumoth take great pride in the shininess of their wings; the male with the shiniest wings gets the hottest mate.

    B2/W2: Aurumoth are masters of disguise, bending the light with their wings. They scare off potential captors by showing themselves as the trainer's mother.


    Lol ok guys I know I'm not gonna win

    I'm doing this purely for kicks, no seriousness here
  15. RavensNation

    RavensNation

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    Right... I think enough has been said about how stupid a statement that is... Ideas such as "humor" and "funny" are much too subjective for you to really make it a requirement. What could be funny to you is probably not as funny to anyone else, and vice-versa. If you want "funny" submissions, encourage them, but don't require them. All that does is force "humor" out people and their submissions turn out awkward and just generally not very good as a result. The fact that you've said you won't slate "dull-as-ditchwater" (what the hell does that mean, anyway?) seems like an abuse of power to me, as well. In any case...

    Final Submission:

    Aurumoth, the Aureate Pokémon.

    Black: Powerful light emitted from its gem-like stinger is reflected from its gold shellwings and manipulated by its psychic powers to create convincing illusions.

    White: Despite their sturdy look, its gold shellwings are brittle and break quite easily. Prospectors who then find these broken remnants are quick to set a gold rush in motion.

    Black/White 2: It's has the unique ability to see its opponent's movements by foreseeing their trajectory. This allows it to strike with pinpoint accuracy.
    -----------------
    I tried to hit all three abilities in the entries. Illusion, Weak Armor, No Guard, in that order.

    The basis behind my No Guard entry is the visual effect that happens as you watch an object in motion. As you see its motion, your vision kind of "lags" behind the object a little and as a result you see the remanant of the trajectory following behind the object; try this by moving your hand in front of you. I forgot what this phenomenon is called, but Aurumoth basically has the reverse of that phenomenon; rather than seeing the remnants of the motion, it sees the "remnant" before the movement actually happens, which allows it to attack with impossible precision.

    Also, since we've already decided that Aurumoth's wings double as a shell, "shellwings".
  16. LouisCyphre

    LouisCyphre heralds disaster.

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    Aurumoth
    Herald Pokemon

    B: Aurumoth's wings are solid gold. However, they crumble into dust if they're removed from the main body.
    W: Revered as a guardian figure in ancient times. Tablets depict Aurumoth wings as sets of scales.
    2: Aurumoth's presence eases guilt and fear around it. Tales tell of this Pokemon helping great heroes seek atonement.

    Not a final submission at all.

    I want to play up the idea of an innocence > wrath > repentance theme present in the level-up movepool, so this particular entry focuses on the last stage of that progression. I basically stole the Black entry wholesale, but it seems to be a popular perception, and I agree with it.

    The White entry is an attempt to stress a guardian-lawkeeper idea. There was an attempt to build a sort of Law/Chaos them with the W/B entries, and stack them with SMT references, but it didn't quite fly. Lastly, given that B/W2 is built on the success of the B/W1 players, whose story is built on the success on the two flying Unova brothers, I thought a mention of the heroes of ages past was in order.

    Just some sketchings, I guess.
  17. iamdanielcruces

    iamdanielcruces

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    Aurumoth, the Sulphur Moth Pokemon

    Black: It uses its wings as resonators for its brain waves, causing interference in nearby TV sets. It projects images of its prey, usually an unsuspecting Seedot.

    White: When attacked, it blindly lunges at its enemy until one of them faints. If hurt, it sheds its wings to escape.

    B2/W2: Its golden glitter has attracted poachers since ancient times, but it’s actually pure sulphur. Despite the smell, people mistake it for an angel.

    While looking for fitting names, I found about a real sulphur butterfly, and I found the "fake golden angel" theme to be amusing. Its pseudo-legend stats don't necessarily mean it's actually an angel!

    EDIT: Just to mark this as my Final Submission. I, for one, like the humor restriction...
  18. Glacier Knight

    Glacier Knight

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    Aurumoth, The Golden Guardian Pokemon

    Black: This species is discovered by only the most persistent of explorers and collectors, tucked away in mysterious locations. But, when one discovers an Aurumoth, one also discovers those who failed to do so.

    White: It had been reported that scientists have stumbled upon specimens of Aurumoth withering away on the ocean floor. Some believe they guarded ancient floating cities that eventually sank into the surf.

    Black2/White2: Aurumoths are well known for being excellent care takers, having lived eons guarding cities and their secrets. They make wonderful companions for the lonely.


    ____________________________
    My first drafts were quite long, so I tried to condense them while keeping the charm and wit. They still seem somewhat lengthy.

    I personally love the white entry, as I can imagine Auramoths frantically (and comically) trying to swim, but sinking like a golden penny into the watery depths below.
  19. CiteAndPrune

    CiteAndPrune

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    I agree with posters above that the flavor stage of dex entries shouldn't have a bias on humor or any other theme. This limits the community to what is in line with the TL's own thinking, too much. At least slate some other non-humorous entries, bmb, please.

    EDIT: Meh, I'm short on time this time, I doubt I'll think up anything better than this.

    Final Submission

    Aurumoth, the Golden Seraph Pokemon.

    Black: The same telekinesis that supports their wings lets these playful Pokemon juggle even cars. Because of this, Aurumoth Trainers invest in sturdy helmets or even parachutes.
    White: Their brittle golden wings peel off like bananas, letting them fly faster. Greedy people who try to collect the peels find their hands stuck as if by superglue.
    Black2/White2: Aurumoth create illusions to disguise themselves as objects or other Pokemon. After juggling, their favourite game is playing hide-and-seek with their would-be Trainers.

    I have my doubts if the three entries achieve sufficient synergy, although I have tried to both inspire fun mental images and mention all three of Aurumoth's abilities (the telekinesis is how I picture No Guard, essentially letting Aurumoth remote-control all of its projectile). I don't think that a legendary Pokemon needs to be necessarily destructive or cruel; instead, if Aurumoth have the mischievous attitude to toy with people, that can indirectly highlight how insignificant and powerless they are, compared to Aurumoth, merely playthings for the powerful (pseudo-)legendary.

    I'm open to criticism, my biggest gripe with these is that they're quite long for Dex entries (although in RSE there was more room, the standard became much shorter again). I might have to leave out important details if I can't convey the same meaning in fewer words - however, before that it'd be nice to know which is more precious to keep, the humor or the ability references.
  20. Eagle4

    Eagle4

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    Sigh, seems I'm the only one giving feedback...

    Show Hide

    iamdanielcruces - I love the general idea behind your descriptions. Black is humourous yet informative, and White is as good. I have nothing to say.

    LouisCyphre - I fail to see humour in these. Whilst they would make excellent Pokedex descriptions normally, humour is what bugmaniacbob is begging for.

    RavensNation - I know you disagree with what bugmaniacbob has said, but humour will get you slated.

    Shelmet - Oh goodness. You certainly tried for humour, although it seems a little immature and... Raseri was right.

    Yilx - Very good. Subtle and witty, each entry is well written. Don't change a thing.

    jagged_angel - I also cannot see humour in these entries. I know you're trying to be subtle, but bringing out the humour a little more wouldn't hurt. For the White entry, replace "is" with "as".

    Adams - Dex entries tend to be longer than what you've come up with. The entries seem a little vague, and doesn't tie in with humour.

    capefeather - The White and Sequel entry is fine. However, the Black lacks humour. You're not wasting your time, but I believe you can improve each entry.

    nyttyn - Needs more humour. I understand what you're doing with the Black/White 2 entry, but it seems forced and not needed. Try coming up with something else.

    WebsterVanCooney - Very nice. I'm not gonna say your black entry copies mine, but it certainly is similar.

    Scoopapa - The black entry is... I dislike sex jokes with pokedex entries. The other two are very good, however.

    Jebus McAzn - I'm lovin' these. The White entry seems awkwardly phrased however, I'd work on it.

    Bull of Heaven - The Black and White entries are too similar, but I love the B/W 2 entry.

    Rediamond - Good job.

    SubwayJ - Very nice, although the B/W2 needs more humour
    .

    Anyway. my one:

    Aurumoth, the Divine Pokemon

    Black: Its gold is often used to coat Magikarp caviar as a gourmet dish. Once eaten, many experience a sense of pure gratitude,
    and a sickly sweet aftertaste.

    White: Although scientists have yet to uncover its prominent attributes, it is rumoured to roam near bright lights, harshly headbutting them repeatedly.

    B2/W2: Its stinger changes colour in seemingly random patterns. For this reason, they are often used as Christmas decorations, providing spectacle and wonder.

    Alternate: It is not uncommon for an AURUMOTH to detatch its thorax once hurt. This thorax is then powered by gold dust, and becomes a VENONAT.

    I added the Alternate just in case anybody prefers this to one of my other entries. I really want feedback on this!
  21. KoA

    KoA The very best...
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    Eagle, I think if you wanna play off of brignt lights, you could make reference to its sting being luminescent and could play up the humor of how they communicate with them, but attract other confused bug pokemon in the process or something lol
  22. Birkal

    Birkal We have the technology.
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    Just read through every entry, haha. I'd probably say my favorite at the moment is Scoopapa. All of his dex entries are relatively simplistic, and yet each one has very clever ideas packed in. I think it could do without some of the superfluous language (no need for simple AND impenetrable as adjectives), but overall I think it's a solid entry. Other hot entries are Verminator and RavensNation.

    Just as general advice, I think some of you are going far too complicated with your entries. I encourage each dex entry writer to look up and read a bunch of BW entries to get an idea for how they flow. There is no need to load up with adjectives that add little to the concept. Try to wow us with the concept rather than your grasp on the English language. Let me give an example:

    Cool concept, but way too long, and needlessly so. We don't need "explorers and collectors"; just pick one. "Mysterious locations" seems to add flavor, but in actuality, he's taken away from the flavor. Why not list a mysterious location instead, like ancient ruins or abandoned villages? The second sentence is almost entirely irrelevant, and raises more questions than it answers. "Those who failed to do so..." what does that even mean? Something actually interesting should happen for those who do find Aurumoth. Use your creativity to imagine what that might be. Or even better, it might not need anything at all! Many BW entries are one liners (often compound sentences). You don't need to write an entire novel with these. Just a phrase that provokes thoughts and intrigues is as Pokemon nerds.

    I hope everyone can use that kind of critique in order to make better entries~
  23. Wahrer

    Wahrer

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    Aurumoth, the Shining Seraph or Sulphur Seraph Pokemon (feel free to suggest one of the two)

    Black: It will often get lost in concentration searching for mates and aiming attacks. Pokemon that feed on sunlight may nest in it wings for days before it notices.

    White: Aurumoth's large frame makes it impossible to chase prey into small areas. It can withdraw its wings and buffet the entrance to flush Pokemon out, but it is not very effective at doing so.

    BW2: It can use photokinesis to bend the light around it. However, Aurumoth constantly shed a golden powder, evident in both flight patterns and on battered enemies, revealing its true form.
  24. SpecsX

    SpecsX

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    Aurumoth, the Golden Moth Pokemon

    White: The wings of an Aurumoth, while made of gold, are very fragile. A typical Aurumoth's living space will be covered in gold dust.

    Black: Because Aurumoth give off so much light from their tails, they used to be employed in lighthouses in areas without Ampharos.

    Black 2/White 2: Aurumoth tend to give those who look at them headaches. Whether this is because of Aurumoth's bright gold wings or their inherent psychic abilities, no one can be sure.
  25. jynx

    jynx The Boss
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    Okay, haven't looked at anyone else's yet. Going to try and do this without the influence of other people. Read bmb's OP though, and I'll try for a little bit of humor.

    Aurumoth, the Mystic Moth Pokemon

    Black: After intense battles, it may shed its gold wings. Trainers of Aurumoth have been known to become mysteriously wealthy with time.

    White: Aurumoth often find themselves a partner of athletes in Nimbasa City. Their Psychic abilities often prove useful during a competition.

    Black2/White2: Ancient statues of Aurumoth have been found in the Abyssal Ruins. It was seen as a God because of its ability to change shape.

    Thoughts? I'm trying to think of a replacement for one of them for the justification of "Angelic." I'll edit that in later. Or I could change "Angelic" to something else. I don't know yet.

    EDIT1: Okay, I changed a few things. Still haven't looked to anyone else's for inspiration, but that may come later if I'm really strapped with what I want to change, which is small. But for now: reasoning.

    Mystic Moth Pokemon represents the fact that it is both a Psychic and Bug type, along with giving Aurumoth a hint of mysteriousness, like mentioned in the third entry. First entry focuses on the gold aspect of Aurumoth, and the second hammers home the Psychic type part of it. Went for a little bit of humor in the first two as well, and I hope that was effective. Not so much humor in the third one, but it backs up "Mystic Moth Pokemon."

    One point of feedback that I'd like: In the third entry, second sentence, I can't really think of good wording for that I'm saying. Right now, I'm going with "change shape" because it sounds the best to me. I've tried that, "disguise itself" and "transform," but nothing seems to flow well to me. Any thoughts/suggestions on the entries, that in particular, would be greatly appreciated.
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