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CAP 15 CAP 4 - Part 14 - Dex Submissions

Discussion in 'CAP Process Archive' started by bugmaniacbob, Nov 11, 2012.

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  1. Final Submission

    Aurumoth, the Golden Pokemon

    Black: It disguises itself as a common Pokemon to avoid attention. Many trainers shoo away the very Pokemon they were hoping to catch.

    White: It surrounds an opponent with its wings to ensure that its attacks will hit. It can move all six wings in different directions at once.

    B2/W2: It manipulates light to hide its strength. There are reports of young trainers quitting their journeys after trying to catch disguised Aurumoth.
  2. gamer40000

    gamer40000

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    Final Submission
    Aurumoth, the Glory Moth Pokemon

    Black: The first idea for a lighthouse came from a dancing Aurumoth that has fallen in a tower from a mountainous region. Now, trainers try to learn their dances to shine as brightly as they do.

    White: Stories tell of foolish men who once spent years to catch a rare Aurumoth as a light and trophy. Once they took a closer look, it always turned out to be a common Volbeat.

    Black 2/White 2: Aurumoth are always wary of stray rocks, as no stone has ever missed it.
  3. Birkal

    Birkal Caw.
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    I'm probably not going to do a final submission, so I'm going to comment on a few dex entries that I think have a lot of creativity but could use some tweaking to become more similar to typical Pokedex entries. I'd recommend that anyone who wants to improve their submission read these!

    Arguably your strongest entry. I think that solitary is an unnecessary adjective and doesn't mesh well with the overall meaning of the entry (its shell). I am typically not a big fan of entries with two different thoughts, but I think these two are short enough that they work out.

    Mighty is unnecessary. It's obviously a shout out to No Guard, and I think it works. I think you might need a comma after brainpower.

    I think a lot of people have the idea that Aurumoth should be "regal and rare," but I actually like that this entry gives it a bit of an annoying twist. I'm not sure how popular this entry will be, but it's good work. You can also use a descriptor word instead of people to add to the depth of this. Well on second thought, you have trainers later on... Meh, just something to think about.

    Great imagery, but it can be shortened. Heavy could be changed to solid to imply both weight and riches. "The gold crumbles" can be changed to "they crumble." I don't think ignore is the right word choice either. Perhaps avoid? Think it over.

    Too many words to convey what is a good idea. The idea that Aurumoth has the potential to compel its trainer to release it is intriguing enough, so I'd work on removing the "rumor" aspect of it; it's not needed.

    Does Pokemon ever mention religious significance? I think that is pretty atypical for a dex entry. To be honest, I think that your first sentence is enough; it is more interesting than the second bit. Consider removing it entirely, or perhaps conveying some of those ideas into the first sentence.

    Great entry, lots of mystique. I dunno if dex entries ever talk about mating, so I'd check into that. If that doesn't work out, you could mention something about it can stick around for a long time when wrapped in its shell. Just a thought.

    This is my favorite entry in this topic. I'd edit the last sentence to read as: "For their safety, Aurumoth usually hide from humans." I think the connection between your first sentence and second is a little blurry. It makes sense when you think about it, but I think it could be a bit more accessible. It's good, but toy around with it. If you don't find anything you like, then keep it.

    Good entry. A bit long for my taste, but it works out. I wouldn't add anything else to this. Watch for spelling error on the first word..

    I like your entries a lot, nyttyn, simply because they are simplistic. People are trying much too hard to make them long, which I think will hurt them in the long run. Going short and simple is a strength that you're utilizing. This entry is good. "Causing" is a bit of an awkward word; I'd look for a substitute.

    Good. Has a sense of mysteriousness, but also includes some human interaction. Nice.

    I think "hot commodity" is a little overzealous, but it works. I think that this is a bit too commentator-like in its style; perhaps you could change this to something else. I like that you are trying to tie in the above to entries. Perhaps try to make the connection a bit more accessible.

    Good, but too many adjectives. "Convincing" and "powerful" can both go. The light is reflected ON the shellwings, not FROM. I like how you made up the term "shellwings," it reminds me of Dewott's entry. Great stuff.

    First gold adjective is unnecessary. Brittle is unnecessary too; they break quite easily is enough. I think the gold rush part is weird and a bit forced. A gold rush is a big mining excavation. Perhaps you are thinking about collectors or explorers? Something to dwell on.

    I like the concept of seeing the future, but I don't think they connect. Seeing the future attack doesn't equate to making a good attack. I'd try to make this a bit more logical, but it works out. I am overall not a big fan of the dex entries that are trying to get all three abilities, but out of all of them, yours is the best.

    Solid. I think "stolen" might be a cool word to replace "removed", since it'd add a bit more flavor. Simple tweaks like that can go a long way.

    First sentence has no subject. Just use "It was" in my opinion. "Wings as sets of scales..." what does that mean? It's a bit unclear, since scales has a bunch of meanings. Perhaps it could symbolize the sun's rays, or some other bit of flavor? Food for thought. This is a good structure for a two sentence entry; short and sweet in both sentences.

    Accent over the 'e' in Pokemon. I like the flavor, but I think there is a bit of disconnect between the two sentences. Wouldn't the aura make heroes feel courageous, rather than eased of guilt? What if the aura helped criminals resolve to do good? That's just an example. Regardless, I think the two ideas should be a bit more cohesive.

    Great entries, psg. Love the sassy nature; it really puts Aurumoth in a new light. This is a prime example of necessary adjectives. Its nature is fickle; good. Its ego is enormous; adds to the exaggerated tone. Great work.

    Hehe, clever. I think "angelic origins" is a bit contrived; perhaps "angelic likeness" would fit a bit more? Something to think about.

    Another fantastic entry. The first sentence itself speaks volumes in seven simple words. The two sentences meld excellently together. Your have one of my favorite entries; great work psg.


    Everyone should read the below paragraph for a big tip.

    Lots of Pokedex entries in BW2 are variations on one common idea. Usually, all three entries have a similar theme, but all contain a little bit different information. The ones that are different usually still have two with a linked idea; usually between either the B or W entry with the BW2 entry. Check it out for yourself. While I am not a big fan of KoA's entry, he does this better than anyone else has done in this thread. It's food for thought.

    Choose either dull or brittle; they aren't both necessary. I think "tough" is kind of a weird descriptor too, but I don't have a good substitute. Just something to think about.

    The two sentences aren't really connected. In fact, all three of the thoughts don't seem to have too much to do with each other. I'd pick one and extrapolate on that.

    I don't get the last sentence at all; it just seems confusing. I'd give another reason for why there is variable in luck. Just an idea though; do what you want!

    SubwayJ, your entries have good ideas, but your sentences are ridiculously long. As a rule of thumb, one sentence with lots of descriptors OR two sentences with few descriptors is a good way to go. The first sentence is great as a stand alone, in my opinion. I don't think the second is necessary or even that interesting. Perhaps a simple sentence of "It must maintain concentration at all times." would be a good substitute. I dunno; play around with it.

    Ehh. Does young vs. old have any precedence in BW entries? I feel like those are generally avoided because of evolutions, but I may be wrong. I'd completely change this one, but do what you want.

    Good entry, but there is a simple edit that can make it a lot better. Delete the first sentence. The second one already explains how the first process works: ill = small glow, healthy = blind cities. Something to think about and toy with.

    Good. "And uses it" is unnecessary, but it still works. Mess around with it and see what you like.

    I don't get the connection between the two sentences. I think the second one is more interesting, so I'd go with developing that theme a bit more and omitting the first. I dunno though, it's up to you.

    Encouraging, but I'm not sure if I'm convinced. I think "body" could be replaced with something like "mind" or "concentration" for a bit more depth on how physical harm hurts its entire being.
  4. Just want to point out that the Pokemon franchise rarely speaks explicitly or in certain terms about divine things. For this reason, I'm not that fond of entries that call it the "Seraph" or "Deity" Pokemon, ones that use the word "god," or even ones that mention Arceus by name. Granted Game Freak has to be more cautious about these things, but it seems to me that because of the example they've set, leaving such language out creates a more Pokemon-like flavour. The "Arceus" thing, of course, isn't about real-world concerns, but it is still practically never named in the Pokemon universe, except as the "Original One". Basically, I'm just making a semantic point: Aurumoth's supposed divinity can be hinted at (though admittedly I prefer to think of it as not actually divine at all), but certain language doesn't seem to fit in a Pokemon game.

    Just my opinion though; plenty of voters will think differently.

    Edit: Really, any entries that explicitly state a connection to the divine run into the same problem. But most of these already get avoid that by just hinting at it.
  5. bugmaniacbob

    bugmaniacbob Floats like a Butterfree, stings like a Metapod
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    Dokey dokey time to bring this to an end.

    You have 24 hours to make your Final Submission.

    Oh and btw I've delegated the task of slating to the moderators, so... you really have no idea what slant you should be giving your entries, except that they should be short and... well, just short really.

    Good luck, gentlemen.
  6. Korski

    Korski Distilled, 80 proof
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    Final Submission

    Aurumoth, the Gold Standard Pokemon

    Black: Their wings are made of solid gold. Mysteriously, the gold crumbles into dust when removed.

    White: This Pokemon can hibernate for centuries at a time, encased in its golden wings.

    B2W2: Looking an Aurumoth in the eyes causes temporary memory loss. Most trainers release them out of frustration.

    --------------------

    It's the "Gold Standard" Pokemon because it appears to be very valuable, what with them gold wings. HOWEVER, as the Black entry shows, trying to reap the rewards of scoring Moth gold will leave you with a handful of dirt. The gold is untouchable, like in Aladdin and in the way the Gold Standard used to work before everyone abandoned the idea. The Black and White entries, when taken together, suggest that Aurumoth has some sort of Psychic energy or psychic field around itself that keeps it alive for centuries, possibly forever. The Black entry makes it clear that removing all or part of the Pokes' wings triggers some sort of non-chemical, rapid degradation process, while the White entry points to Aurumoth's ability to live naturally for enormous amounts of time. Maybe there's some sort of time-manipulating effect going on here? One that can be messed with? Maybe Aurumoth use their memory-erasing powers to protect themselves from humans, who have historically tried to grab at their wings like greedy children? Who knows.
  7. Jarc

    Jarc

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    Final Submission

    Aurumoth, the Golden Wing Pokemon

    Black: They are born without any wings, as they craft it themselves using solid gold. They undergo a frantic rampage if one of their wings are broken.

    White: Some Aurumoth have the amazing ability to mimic the appearance and behavior of other beings they come in contact with. They use this to hide from trainers they deem unworthy.

    B2W2: If they share a deep bond with a person, they may lend the person a piece of their treasured gold wings.


    I just decided to give this thing a shot. Good luck to everyone!
  8. Jirachi6

    Jirachi6

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    Aurumoth, the Mental Moth Pokemon

    Black: Aurumoth invade tombs and other buildings to search for food. When bored, they play tricks on people and other Aurumoth.

    White: If cornered by predators, it diverts their attention away and escapes undetected. Aurumoth are also adept at battling one-on-one.

    B2W2: Aurumoth can create illusions for self-defense. They are intelligent and will recognize other Aurumoth even if they are disguised.
  9. Aquaking

    Aquaking

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    Alright, so i realize i'm coming in really late, but I've been distracted recently and only just found out about this. So, here's my idea:

    Edit: this is now my Final Submission
    Aurumoth, the Divine Moth Pokemon

    Black: They have a tendency to reside in remote places, only seeking humans who are said to be powerful to test their strength. It gives its blessing to the victors and curses the losers.

    White: Because of its softness, most Aurumoth wings are actually not pure gold. However, its antlers can act as dowsing rods, detecting anything valuable a human it deems worthy could ask for.

    Black 2/White 2: Legends revere Aurumoth as the servants of Arceus, who test trainers in battle to see if they are worthy of partnership. It is said that powerful kings actually had Aurumoth guardians.

    So, thats pretty much it. I will finalize this in a little while if no one has any last minute critique. Sorry about being so late.
  10. Nomark

    Nomark

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    Final Submission

    Aurumoth, the Subservient Pokémon

    Black: They are the Original One's personal "Hands". They assisted in the creation of the universe.

    White: Each Aurumoth has a favorite illusion that it likes to cast depicting a place or object. These illusions are said to be the blueprints of the world.

    B2W2: Those whose illusions aren't complex have honed their skills in battle. They are of little use to the Original One, but command their fellow Aurumoth in construction.
  11. Quanyails

    Quanyails
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    Final Submission

    Aurumoth, the Radiant Moth Pokémon

    Black
    : When Aurumoth floats around, its wings sway freely under its psychic force. Ancient peoples copied this action, mistaking it for a dancing ritual.

    White: It is drawn toward people who have powerful emotion, guiding those with good intents and cursing those with bad ones.

    Black 2/White 2: Its wings are made of fibers not unlike dense bread. An Aurumoth with only five wings has given a wing away to feed a famished soul.

    Rearranged them and wrote up another entry for White. It sounds familiar in theme to previous CAPs, but it's fitting. The B2/W2 entry does seem to integrate parts of the B/W ones while showing something slightly different. Thanks for the response, GRs Cousin. Your question on why Aurumoth's wings aren't actual metal comes from the original design being less metallic and more Psychic-evocative in colors. Actual metals may imply the Steel typing (even if Cofagrigus has a golden outside, and gold being a soft metal in general). Fridge Logic on how a psychic bug gets actual golden shells, mostly. Dense bread can be thought of by replacing the adjective with 'unleavened'.

    Comments (Which I lost once, darn it, so I'm rewriting more quickly.)
    Show Hide


    • DarkSlay: Hallowed is a neat word to imply sacredness without religiousness, if you're uncertain of using the word. I do like the warm, yet powerful feel I get from Aurumoth from your entries, as well as what flavor can be possible via potential pre-evolutions.
    • Galladiator: Love your B2/W2 entry and its allusion and Illusion. :P Nice differences yet similarities between the Black and White ones!
    • The Royal Guard: Your entries work nicely to contrast the generally good vibe that other entries share. Pseudo-legendaries do have precedents for malevolence. I particularly like your choice of the word 'transgression'.
    • SubwayJ: Should be enough humor to keep your entries afloat, despite the Fridge-iness of them.
    • GRs Cousin: Responded above, and will respond to your entries now. The first two work wonderfully between themselves and to Arceus's entries, giving that sense of power. The B2/W2 one, though, confuses me. If it's assertive, eager to fight (fighting style, no dash), why does it only attack in defense?
    • Eagle4: No comma before 'for speculated medicinal powers' and 'and a sickly sweet aftertaste'. :) Otherwise, fine! (Well, the wording experience a sense does sound a tad long, but it's correct.)
    • Bull of Heaven: The one qualm I have is the addition of 'Researchers believe' in the White entry. The multidirectional wing movement sounds something that could be verified. Cutting that part makes it sound more dexterous and actual.
    • gamer40000: I'm not sure if you need 'the Aurumoth's' in the first entry. It sounds specific, yes, but if it's 'now' rather than in the past, it's anachronistic. Perhaps just 'Aurumoth's' can do. Again, I chuckle at the B2/W2 entry. :)
    • Korski: The B2/W2 entry reminds me of Uxie, of course, but that just adds to its legendary appeal. Everything else, wonderful.
    • Jirachi6: Hmm, neat. It shows Aurumoth as having personalities and intellect, as would be befitting for a pokemon of such nature. I wonder how much of Illusion should be mentioned in the entries, considering BMB made it the DW ability rather than a standard one.
    • Aquaking: Well, gold is quite soft in real life. That might require changes to the White entry. 'Powerful kings actually had an Aurumoth guardian' implies that every king shared the same Aurumoth. 'Actually had Aurumoth guardians' would have a more proper parallel. If those are fixed up, the entries are fine!
    • Nomark: Hmm, the White entry is quite fascinating with the imagery on blueprints. The Black entry is short and sweet. The B2/W2 entry's second sentence is odd, since I expect an inept Aurumoth to be, well, subservient to more adept ones, rather than commanding their fellows.
  12. Midnight Show

    Midnight Show

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    Final Submission

    Aurumoth: The Ethereal Pokémon

    Black: Aurumoth often disguise themselves as humans. They travel house to house to test people’s hospitality, punishing those who are unwelcoming.

    White: People of the Unova region show kindness to any guest, fearing that it might be a disguised Aurumoth come to test their hospitality.

    Black 2 / White 2: Because Aurumoth have come to symbolize hospitality, they are often depicted on welcome mats and front doors.


    --------------​
    Hospitality was a point of emphasis in ancient Greece because people feared an unknown guest might be a god in disguise who had come to test them. This works well with Aurumoth's divine nature--it comes to judge people's action, punishing those who lack compassion and turn it away or treat it poorly.

    These entries are also appropriate because they function as an explanation for why players can walk into any house in the game without trouble from the homeowner.
  13. DFrog

    DFrog

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    Tempted to make this a final submission outright but having criticism is valuable before making decisions like these

    Final Submission
    [box]Aurumoth; the Opulent Pokemon

    Black: Aurumoth's wings are actually gold dust held together with telekinetic pressure. It is said that the wings will crumble if a strong force makes contact.

    White: The golden wings of a Aurumoth are desired by many, few resort to theft to obtain them. To prevent the theft of their wings, Aurumoth's are able to disguise themselves.

    Black & White 2: Aurumoth's gather to places of great wealth to assimilate new riches into its wings. Lustrous wings attract mates and poachers alike.[/box]

    My series of Pokedex entries focus on the more extravagant or opulent aspects of Aurumoth, as such the entries have emphasis on the pokemon's wings.

    The Black and White entries are obvious shout-outs to Aurumoth's abilities Weak Armour and Illusion respectively. The difference between the two entries is that the Black entry puts emphasis on the power used to create and subsequently destroy Aurumoth's wings. The White entry puts more emphasis on the greed associated with such extravagance and the lengths taken to steal or protect these objects of opulence.

    The Black & White 2 entry takes a more biological approach to the congregation and mating of Aurumoth. It also plays into the fact that real moths are attracted to light and that Aurumoth is attracted to riches.
  14. Scoopapa

    Scoopapa
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    Thanks for the advice, Birkal. I've updated my dex entries to address most of your concerns.
  15. LouisCyphre

    LouisCyphre heralds disaster.

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    Aurumoth
    Herald Pokemon

    B: Aurumoth's wings are solid gold. However, they crumble into dust if they're stolen from the main body.
    W: It was evered as a guardian figure in ancient times. Tablets depict Aurumoth as heavenly beings.
    2: Aurumoth's presence eases guilt and fear around it. Tales tell of this Pokémon helping inspire the acts of great heroes.

    Took Birkal's suggestions and changed some things around.

    Final Submission etc. etc.
  16. Quanyails: Yeah, that was really just unnecessary filler. Fixed. Your entries are some of my favourites, but I would maybe streamline the Black one just a little by cutting at least one of "around," "heavy" and "freely". I'm also not sure what you're doing with verb tense in your sequel entry. Since Aurumoth still exists, I would think that it "has" given a wing away, unless you have something in mind that I'm missing. Otherwise, great submission.
  17. UllarWarlord

    UllarWarlord

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    Let's go!

    Final Submission

    Aurumoth, the Fallen Angel Pokemon

    Black: This Pokemon was rumored to once have serviced in the heavens, but was rejected for its imperfections.

    White: It likes to keep itself clean however possible. Nobody is quite sure why, though the answer might lie in its days of serving the heavens.

    B2W2: Aurumoth constantly attempts to redeem itself for imagined wrongdoings, doing good deeds wherever and however it can.

    I like the 'angelic' theme people thought of for this, as well as that direction with Korski's movepool. So I tried to go along with that.
  18. phoopes

    phoopes The Boss
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    Final Submission

  19. bugmaniacbob

    bugmaniacbob Floats like a Butterfree, stings like a Metapod
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    Time to shut this down

    Mods, whenever you're ready.
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