Serious Relationships and Sex Ed Thread

[tehy]

Well my idea would be to say fuck it tell her all this and ask her what you can do.

But that would either work great or crash and burn and I'm not sure which so take that with the heaviest grain of salt you can find


Also you could just tell her you have trouble with emotional cues, maybe lie and say you have some problem or not, and ask her to just be straight when she needs anything emotional

 

[Soul Fly]

So, any tips on showing that I care/being a better boyfriend in general? Best friend and I have been trying to makes things work for a little over a month, but I repeatedly upset her by not picking up on cues when she wants emotional support and just not really showing that I care. I most certainly do care, but this kind of thing has never been easy for me and I'm seeing now just how little I do for her. Though I've told her how much she means to me, she believes that actions speak louder than words and feels that my actions paint a completely different picture. I'd like to get better at this to make her feel more important and hopefully worry less that I don't care about her.

I’ve already got some things in mind that I’ve come up with on my own, but I’d definitely appreciate any ideas/advice anyone would like to give. Thanks for any help.

1.) Stop trying to figure shit out. She'll constantly find reasons to get upset and angry at you.

2.) With regard to point one, I refer to this period as test mode. I'm assuming you two are newly dating (less than 2-3 months in) and right now believe it or not she has one hundred thoughts in her head. Just because you two agreed to date doesn't mean she's completely confident about her decisions and she will subtly try to test your 'love', 'commitment' and all that kind of abstract shit by acting like a sherlock.

3.) To overcome this period, just be yourself, she's a new person in your life and give her time to figure out what kind of a person you are.
NEVER argue with her, and try to put up with all her tantrums. No, I'm not asking you to become submissive slave to her but don't bang down on tables and shout at her just because she's been giving you a hard time. This is a really testy time.

If she really continues all the emotional drama past this 2-3 month period, you can be sure of one of the 2 things. a.) There is some unresolved issue bugging her, which you must try to find out about. Try talking to her about this and put her at ease, or b.) She is a slimy bitch who has a 'domination complex' (trust me I've met one)


---
That being said, be sincere about this, and try to keep in constant touch with her. These initial days matter a lot and the more you communicate the better you get to know each other

Oh and yeah, facebook chatting doesn't classify as 'communicating' use that phone and take a walk in a park/neighborhood together,.

 

[AHickey1995]

how far along is she? i mean, it's pretty easy for a pregnant woman to find herself uncomfortable throughout the day, especially during sex. is she 'mentally' uncomfortable or actually physically uncomfortable during? regardless, there is no harm whatsoever to having pregnant sex than having regular baby free sex. you won't create any twins that pop out of the child's shoulder at birth, either

She is 5 months and she says she is physically uncomfortable.

 

[jumpluff]

I understand this is probably bothering you quite a lot, but if she doesn't want to have sex and it's making her uncomfortable (there are plenty of reasons a pregnant woman, who might be ill and uncomfortable, might not want to have sex just by virtue of her pregnancy and the effects it can have on one's body/wellbeing and libido, never mind the fact she might have her own reasons), I think your primary concern should probably be addressing her discomfort, even if this means ultimately accepting you might not have sex with her if she doesn't want to until post-pregnancy. It's difficult for us to make a meaningful judgment without being involved in the conversation, but if she wants to have sex but her fears of harm for the baby are getting in the way, she should probably educate herself and/or discuss that with her doctor(s).

I'm only going off what you've said and I apologise if I'm offending you -- I'm sure you love your wife very much and care about her happiness. But you seem to be operating under the assumption that a) you can convince her alone (she might not trust your authority alone vs. her strong instinct about her baby) that this sex is safe for the baby, which is why perhaps you should respectfully encourage her to consult a doctor b) that doing this would or should necessarily convince her to have sex with you. But you also mentioned she is in physical discomfort independently of the baby; the baby is just her explanation for it, although perhaps the positions you're trying make her uncomfortable, and/or her pregnancy makes her uncomfortable, or there's something else amiss? This suggests to me you might benefit more from reopening communication, if possible, but approaching it from a different angle, and not just trying to talk her into it (or make her feel like you are trying to talk her into it), which might be putting her on the defensive.

Also, I don't know if you've voiced anything as harsh as 'I say bullshit to that' to her, but I would be wary of making such a statement to her. I'm not sure if you're just saying the notion of it being her baby is bullshit (in which case she is just going off her maternal instinct / inclination to protect her child first and may need education, as previously said, and you shouldn't really be so dismissive of her feelings here -- be supportive and positive!) or that she's bullshitting to deflect it, but in the latter case I would consider a) the effects such an accusation would have b) why she might be inclined to do so at all c) whether she should have to do so at all and what that means. I don't know what you meant by it, so I can't say, but that's something to keep in mind.

Either way, I think you might benefit from talking to some mothers/expecting mothers about the effects this is having on your relationship and asking how you can be supportive of her while resolving this situation. It's a tough situation and I'm sure you're both suffering, but you need to remember to be extra patient and put her comfort before your desire for her to have sex with you right now; she's pregnant, after all. The more pressure applied, the further you risk alienating her. Good luck to you both, and I hope the delivery goes great. :)

 

[AHickey1995]

I understand this is probably bothering you quite a lot, but if she doesn't want to have sex and it's making her uncomfortable (there are plenty of reasons a pregnant woman, who might be ill and uncomfortable, might not want to have sex just by virtue of her pregnancy and the effects it can have on one's body/wellbeing and libido, never mind the fact she might have her own reasons), I think your primary concern should probably be addressing her discomfort, even if this means ultimately accepting you might not have sex with her if she doesn't want to until post-pregnancy. It's difficult for us to make a meaningful judgment without being involved in the conversation, but if she wants to have sex but her fears of harm for the baby are getting in the way, she should probably educate herself and/or discuss that with her doctor(s).

I'm only going off what you've said and I apologise if I'm offending you -- I'm sure you love your wife very much and care about her happiness. But you seem to be operating under the assumption that a) you can convince her alone (she might not trust your authority alone vs. her strong instinct about her baby) that this sex is safe for the baby, which is why perhaps you should respectfully encourage her to consult a doctor b) that doing this would or should necessarily convince her to have sex with you. But you also mentioned she is in physical discomfort independently of the baby; the baby is just her explanation for it, although perhaps the positions you're trying make her uncomfortable, and/or her pregnancy makes her uncomfortable, or there's something else amiss? This suggests to me you might benefit more from reopening communication, if possible, but approaching it from a different angle, and not just trying to talk her into it (or make her feel like you are trying to talk her into it), which might be putting her on the defensive.

Also, I don't know if you've voiced anything as harsh as 'I say bullshit to that' to her, but I would be wary of making such a statement to her. I'm not sure if you're just saying the notion of it being her baby is bullshit (in which case she is just going off her maternal instinct / inclination to protect her child first and may need education, as previously said, and you shouldn't really be so dismissive of her feelings here -- be supportive and positive!) or that she's bullshitting to deflect it, but in the latter case I would consider a) the effects such an accusation would have b) why she might be inclined to do so at all c) whether she should have to do so at all and what that means. I don't know what you meant by it, so I can't say, but that's something to keep in mind.

Either way, I think you might benefit from talking to some mothers/expecting mothers about the effects this is having on your relationship and asking how you can be supportive of her while resolving this situation. It's a tough situation and I'm sure you're both suffering, but you need to remember to be extra patient and put her comfort before your desire for her to have sex with you right now; she's pregnant, after all. The more pressure applied, the further you risk alienating her. Good luck to you both, and I hope the delivery goes great. :)

I wouldn't tell her it's bullshit to her face lol. But what concerns me is that is is physical discomfort, If it was mental I wouldn't worry about it. They have checked her and the baby out and everything seems ok.

 

[jumpluff]

I wouldn't tell her it's bullshit to her face lol. But what concerns me is that is is physical discomfort, If it was mental I wouldn't worry about it. They have checked her and the baby out and everything seems ok.

Well, I guess that's something only someone who has experience with pregnancy or knows a lot about it could meaningfully answer. Perhaps you guys need to go about it in a different way, although if she isn't open to having sex anymore that is something you would have to discuss as I said. Sex during pregnancy strikes me as something that could potentially be very uncomfortable in lots of ways though. It's reassuring to know she's healthy~

 

[jumpluff]

So, any tips on showing that I care/being a better boyfriend in general? Best friend and I have been trying to makes things work for a little over a month, but I repeatedly upset her by not picking up on cues when she wants emotional support and just not really showing that I care. I most certainly do care, but this kind of thing has never been easy for me and I'm seeing now just how little I do for her. Though I've told her how much she means to me, she believes that actions speak louder than words and feels that my actions paint a completely different picture. I'd like to get better at this to make her feel more important and hopefully worry less that I don't care about her.

I’ve already got some things in mind that I’ve come up with on my own, but I’d definitely appreciate any ideas/advice anyone would like to give. Thanks for any help.

Firstly, I think this is a very sweet post. It's great that you're doing your best and are interested in improving. She's lucky in that regard, and I hope that she will also do her best to communicate her wishes to you and help you improve constructively for the sake of your relationship. I think the general tone of the response(s) you've been getting is somewhat hasty -- you're doing the right thing, and I'd wait to see how your efforts to improve are received. Of course, without conjecture, we can't tell what type of person your girlfriend is or how the friction's been between you two, and so any tips we can give are only very generalised.

I'm the kind of person who conflates affectionate words with affectionate actions, but she might not be -- in general, expressing sincere sympathy if she's having a rough time should be good, though. Additionally, following up afterwards independently (remembering if something bad happens to her and asking her the next day if everything goes alright and if she wants to talk about it, of course assuming this is something she wants brought up again, going out of your way to be extra gentle and affectionate and make her feel special, etc.) will let her know you think about her, are concerned about her, and remember your conversations after you part. If you can train yourself to pick up on signs of distress and discontent in her, and if you know she's cool with hugs (or being asked if she wants hugs, or some similar gesture of affection), responding to her in such a way if she's displaying them. Just pay attention to her, and listen listen listen to let her know you're there for her. When she's talking about how she feels, ask tactful questions to show you're interested and care and give her more opportunity to get her feelings out there. Do romantic things and propose to spend time together -- can't really give you ideas because this isn't my specialty unfortunately, you'll have to ask someone else. ;_;

Some people have trouble directly communicating their wishes -- I know this, because I'm one of them, and I'm the kind of person who sends a lot of subtext because I'm passive and have trouble asking for things (or if I do, I ask very indirectly). She may or may not be one of them. So it might be difficult for her to begin expressly asking you for things, and if you phrase it to her in a way that makes her think you're asking her to change who she is, she might get defensive, or annoyed because you don't get it. But the gradual and ongoing process of learning to communicate my desires directly has been positive, and I really do suggest letting her know exactly what you've said, and telling her that if there's any request she has of you, you might not intuitively know but if she explicitly tells you you'll be happy to consider it because you'd like to make her happy too.

Try to foster an environment where she can start to let you know how she's feeling directly and what she wants. But, again, this is gradual, and just like what you're learning to do isn't easy for you, it might not be easy for her. It's a discussion that might be worth having, though.

Good luck! Also exhausted incoherent double post but w/e

 

[Lee]

showing you care isn't about grand gestures - it's about the little things. send her a pleasant text in the morning to get her day off on the right foot. listen to her when she talks and then repeat some of it back to her a few days later so that she knows you were paying attention. if she tells you she's doing something at 1800 then you oughta be getting in touch with her at 2000 to ask her how it went. if she's upset about something then show her that it upsets you too. make her your priority throughout the day, it should really come natural to you, especially if she's your best friend as you say.

you shouldn't be caught up on 'what can i do to show her I care?' - you should be thinking 'what has been stopping me from showing her I care all along?' and address that underlying issue. put yourself out there and let yourself feel vulnerable towards her, she'll love you for it.

 

[WaterBomb]

showing you care isn't about grand gestures - it's about the little things. send her a pleasant text in the morning to get her day off on the right foot. listen to her when she talks and then repeat some of it back to her a few days later so that she knows you were paying attention. if she tells you she's doing something at 1800 then you oughta be getting in touch with her at 2000 to ask her how it went. if she's upset about something then show her that it upsets you too. make her your priority throughout the day, it should really come natural to you, especially if she's your best friend as you say.

you shouldn't be caught up on 'what can i do to show her I care?' - you should be thinking 'what has been stopping me from showing her I care all along?' and address that underlying issue. put yourself out there and let yourself feel vulnerable towards her, she'll love you for it.

Quoting for truth, Lee is a wise man.

To add to that point, do your best to guard yourself against childish mind games. Communication is essential to the survival of a relationship, and it must go BOTH ways. It's not fair for your girlfriend to expect you to read her mind, and all too many young women fall into this mentality of "you should just KNOW what's bothering me." This is a discussion I've even had to have with my wife (back when we were dating) to remind her that just because something seems "obvious" to her doesn't mean it's obvious to others. We as human beings in general have a tendency toward thinking that our point of view is always clear and flawless, and we have a hard time understanding how someone doesn't see what we see. You just need to gently remind her that you two are different people and see things differently, so it's important to communicate and share feelings with one another to help you better understand each other. You should never have to prove to someone that you care, because if you really do care then it will show one way or another. A person who is right for you will recognize your efforts and see what you do naturally, rather than you having to be overt and force it just to make them happy. If you have to go out of your way to show someone you care, you're probably not right for each other in the first place. Harsh I know, but it saves you a lot of heartache in the long run if you learn how to spot compatibility issues early.

 

[VKCA]

She is 5 months and she says she is physically uncomfortable.

lol then tough shit?
look up positions for pregger folk on the internet, try them, if she still feels uncomfortable in whatever posi, then you're fuck outa luck

 

[tape]

i mean you could just masturbate.

if she gets mad at you getting off alone, though...

edit: i just almost like died when someone told my boyfriend and I that we look like we're about to wed or something

 

[phoopes]

So uh,

I'm a sophomore and my girlfriend's a senior. Her best boy (space) friend asked her to go to prom with him, and she said yes. I'm finding out about this a few days later not via her, but through someone else telling me. I don't exactly know how to feel about this, like we've been together for about two months and I know that the two of them are only friends and all that but it doesn't feel right to me, especially since she didn't tell me about it. I didn't really think about prom at all until this happened. Any advice on how to bring it up or whatever?

 

[moonbound]

Prom's not a big deal, and it won't be unless you make it one. Acknowledge that you know about it if the opportunity arises, but anything else will make you look clingy. I hadn't spoken to a girl for over two years, but she asked me to junior prom as a friend and I said yes. I plan on actually seeing her during the ~3 hour dance for around half an hour. (Sure, senior prom is slightly different but it's really the same idea either way)

 

[WaterBomb]

I seriously doubt this guy wants to stay "just friends with her". Him asking her to prom, and then her not telling you about it, shows a lack of respect from the both of them for you. Not to be a dick, but if she actually cared about you she would have asked you if it was ok or at least told you about it, instead of letting the grapevine do it for her. You're only two months into the relationship, so it sounds to me like she doesn't treat it seriously. If you're ok with that, then you can just brush it off and be cool. If you want this relationship to go somewhere, though, you'll need to address this issue. I don't care if prom is "not that serious", it's still disrespectful to treat you like you don't exist.

Luckily for you this is high school and you two probably wouldn't have continued dating when she went off to college, anyway. At least it didn't happen after you'd been together for a long period of time.

 

[Manafii101]

ok so tonight (or yesterday? its early morning now) I went to a party. thing is, before this party, I had never really drunk much. So I get to the party and the people I knew couldn't come, so I only knew the host. Which is fine, so I socialise with some strangers for a while. Then a bit later, a girl arrives and she is very pretty.We get drunk, a fair bit of physical contact ie legs touching, sitting very close, whispering in my ear and I spend a lot of the night talking to her, and at the end i go:

"So, do you wanna kiss"?
"What?
"well i dont know how else to say it''
"Sure"

so we kiss 3 times and its great but then my dad rings and i ahve to go and I'm still a tad drunk as i sit in the car grinning all the way back home. thing is, the host had serious self-esteem problems that night, ie lying facedown in the bathroom telling us (and herself) that she's pathetic. and im pretty sure she had a thing for me. so now she feels terrible, I feel like casanova, and idk about the girl i kissed i just met her (but i wanna meet up with her in future)

also, there's another girl i like. She plays bass and she's gorgeous and really cool, BUT: she thinks the world is 6000 years old. She was homeschooled in some crazy creationist family and her worldviews are less than realistic. Any tips on how to get with a girl who is highly religious and expose her to some sort of reality that doesn't involve us arguing, but instead leads to her reevaluating her life, and moving on? What kind of events can cause a person to renounce 18 years of indoctrination?

also i'm sorry if this is a little unintelligible.

 

[Kromlech]

also, there's another girl i like. She plays bass and she's gorgeous and really cool, BUT: she thinks the world is 6000 years old. She was homeschooled in some crazy creationist family and her worldviews are less than realistic. Any tips on how to get with a girl who is highly religious and expose her to some sort of reality that doesn't involve us arguing, but instead leads to her reevaluating her life, and moving on? What kind of events can cause a person to renounce 18 years of indoctrination?

It's impossible, I've tried. I met someone who didn't know who Darwin was until her senior year of college and hated all homosexuals without cause or reason. She wasn't "dumb," her GPA was 3.9 something, but as far as opening her mind up to new ideas... it was impossible. Good luck if you attempt whatever advice you get on this, but I vote for move the fuck on.

 

[Lee]

also, there's another girl i like. She plays bass and she's gorgeous and really cool, BUT: she thinks the world is 6000 years old. She was homeschooled in some crazy creationist family and her worldviews are less than realistic. Any tips on how to get with a girl who is highly religious and expose her to some sort of reality that doesn't involve us arguing, but instead leads to her reevaluating her life, and moving on? What kind of events can cause a person to renounce 18 years of indoctrination?

simple answer is: you're being a douchebag and you don't actually like her at all if a non-negotiable condition of you two being together is her 'reevaluating her life' and effectively changing such a fundamental and defining aspect of her character. that's fucked up man, we're not gonna help you brainwash her, you're the one who needs to reevaluate.

 

[Chill]

I don't think educating someone on the realities of the world (i.e the age of the earth) is brainwashing. Brainwashing would be the what has already been done to her. I don't have a problem with people being religious or spiritual, and I would actually agree that if it's a problem for him than it is up to him to decide if it is worth pursuing this girl, knowing that she may not change.

To the guy originally posed the question, while there are ways that you could introduce certain subjects, in the context of wanting a relationship I don't think you should do it. If your only goal is to make her "more dateable" so that you two can be together and it will be 'totally awesome'. Stop. Don't. Leave it alone.

 

[WaterBomb]

I don't think educating someone on the realities of the world (i.e the age of the earth) is brainwashing. Brainwashing would be the what has already been done to her.

You're assuming what is "reality" to you is the same for everyone else. Religious people are not better or higher than non-religious people, don't go insinuating the opposite.

Anyway let's not turn this thread into a religion debate.

As for the predicament the original person was in, if your goal is to date someone you need to be comfortable with who they are, and vice versa. You can't go into a relationship thinking "I'll just open their eyes/change their views" or what have you. It's incredibly arrogant and selfish to assume that it's your perogative to "enlighten" a person. Either accept her for who she is or don't waste your (or her) time trying to date her.

 

[alamaster]

tell that to practically every teenage girl/young 20s who thinks she can "change" a guy

 

[Chill]

You're assuming what is "reality" to you is the same for everyone else. Religious people are not better or higher than non-religious people, don't go insinuating the opposite.

Anyway let's not turn this thread into a religion debate.

As for the predicament the original person was in, if your goal is to date someone you need to be comfortable with who they are, and vice versa. You can't go into a relationship thinking "I'll just open their eyes/change their views" or what have you. It's incredibly arrogant and selfish to assume that it's your perogative to "enlighten" a person. Either accept her for who she is or don't waste your (or her) time trying to date her.

I certainly wasn't saying that anyone is better than anyone else. I clearly stated that I don't have a problem with people being spiritual or religious, I didn't even mention god. I took issue with the word brainwashing being used in regard to scientific facts. The earth is older than 6,000 years. Fact. I'm not here to debate religion.

 

[blitzlefan]

I certainly wasn't saying that anyone is better than anyone else. I clearly stated that I don't have a problem with people being spiritual or religious, I didn't even mention god. I took issue with the word brainwashing being used in regard to scientific facts. The earth is older than 6,000 years. Fact. I'm not here to debate religion.

Are there any other instances of the sort that will really affect your lives if you were to be together? Because simply being mistaken about the age of the universe doesn't seem like it's a huge dealbreaker or anything. Unless you are a historian/geologist or something, I don't see this as a topic of conversation basically ever, so this shouldn't matter. Unless there are huge areas where you too disagree, it's probably better if you just avoid the subject. I think you should just accept the fact that her worldviews are her own, and if you really like this girl, then move past it.

 

[WaterBomb]

A general piece of advice for all y'all folks in relationships when it comes to sex: intentionally pace yourself. It's tempting in most intimate relationships to go crazy when you first start dating and have sex all the time, because it's new and exciting. This can, however, lead to one or both of you getting burned out on each other and creating sexual tension.

Something that I knew and was reaffirmed for me again last night: building up to a sexual encounter hours or even days in advance increases the enjoyment and ferocity of that encounter exponentially when it finally occurs. Provocative texts and phone calls are a great way to begin this building process, and the longer you intentionally wait to give in to this desire, the better the sex is when it happens. Take it from me, mind-blowing sex one time per week is always preferrable to average sex 6 times per week.

 

[alamaster]

It also leads to some weird fetishes, since vanilla sex will inevitably become boring if you do it all the time. This is how people come up with things like the charizard:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=charizard

 

[Minwu]

that sounds pretty out of hand