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Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread
- Thread starter Rollout Shuckle
- Start date
bipolar gang, spent three or four years in a similar state that just kept spiraling, and there's not a thing you're saying here that I didn't go through.
you might not get anything out of this because I know that I ignored a lot of advice during that time, but maybe you're ready to hear this stuff. I started by accepting that things might never get better, that if I was ever going to be happy, I needed to find a way to do it with what little I had in life. otherwise, what was the point in going on and continuing to suffer?
I had to live within my meager financial means (on top of low income, I'd also built up what was relative to my income a significant amount of debt) and be happy with what I had rather than be envious or angry about all the things I didn't have. my general attitude that life was unfair wasn't serving me in life; it didn't really matter whether it was true because it didn't change the reality of my situation. I pushed away my family and friends because I was so ashamed of myself, of how I'd treated my depression with drinking and smoking and overeating, which I also realized was an active detriment to my happiness. once I decided that I needed to quit behaving in ways that exacerbated my problems, I started on an upward trajectory that continued to build momentum until I reached a level of health and happiness that I hadn't experienced since I was a kid.
once you tear down everything that has backed you into this corner, you can start to rebuild, but you have to take things step by step starting with your relationship with yourself. you have to forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made, understand that you've been navigating life with a small fraction of the energy that it takes just to live a normal life, and accept that it takes a lot of small wins to reach the bigger ones. therapy and medication are great tools, but it's ultimately up to you to take action in your own life.
all the best to you
Hi guys, I had just decided to register anew (after ages without even opening Showdown) to dive into competitive again... Although I kept following Pokémon to a certain degree, I didn't really play the competitive. Then, scrolling down I find there is a Mental Health thread! Wow, congrats and thanks to the people who made and make it possible, I think it really matters to give visibility to mental health and mental problems in places like this too. After all, a lot of people probably discovers competitive Pokémon and Smogon in their adolescence. I remember that just the name of it, "mental health", was something alien and rarely mentioned when I grew up, but I'm very glad kids grow up today knowing at least that mental health is a thing. Even if it's just that.
I also believe that sharing your story is very important, and you guys make that possible here too! That's just awesome, because a forum like this one might be the only safe place for some people to open up. And, sometimes, sharing your story and your struggles gives "permission" to the other person to also open up about their own problems without feeling so ashamed or lonely. To make some platform, no matter how tiny, in a forum like this one, about videogames, is awesome and important beyond words. Thanks again.
Finally, I wanted to drop by just to share a couple of things. I struggled with problems at home, bullying at school, depression and anxiety during my adolescence and into my twenties, so I have some understanding of what some of you may be feeling right now, regardless of our different circumstances. In my case, I spent years and years of trial and error, searching for the right therapist, the right supporting medication, etc. I've had very good days, I've had very dark days. I've kept fighting, I've given up, I've kept fighting again... And I can't explain the whole of it just in some paragraphs, but just let me tell you today, things do get better eventually, if you just keep going and reach out again and again. You're truly not alone. Don't stop looking for help if you need it, please. If you need to talk, I'm here to listen. Take care guys.
I also believe that sharing your story is very important, and you guys make that possible here too! That's just awesome, because a forum like this one might be the only safe place for some people to open up. And, sometimes, sharing your story and your struggles gives "permission" to the other person to also open up about their own problems without feeling so ashamed or lonely. To make some platform, no matter how tiny, in a forum like this one, about videogames, is awesome and important beyond words. Thanks again.
Finally, I wanted to drop by just to share a couple of things. I struggled with problems at home, bullying at school, depression and anxiety during my adolescence and into my twenties, so I have some understanding of what some of you may be feeling right now, regardless of our different circumstances. In my case, I spent years and years of trial and error, searching for the right therapist, the right supporting medication, etc. I've had very good days, I've had very dark days. I've kept fighting, I've given up, I've kept fighting again... And I can't explain the whole of it just in some paragraphs, but just let me tell you today, things do get better eventually, if you just keep going and reach out again and again. You're truly not alone. Don't stop looking for help if you need it, please. If you need to talk, I'm here to listen. Take care guys.
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Hello
its been a very long time since I've been on PS or the forums, but I've recently gotten very interested in it all again
I mainly left because of a severe burnout I was experiencing at the time, and significant mental health struggles
but I've had a lot of fun on PS since I've come back. I am rediscovering my passion for playing this game and having a genuinely good time with it.
a lot of my old friends are still around, and I got welcomed back pretty warmly, which I honestly didn't expect, and that meant a lot to me.
I regret leaving to begin with. I often wonder how things would have turned out if I didn't. It was a drastic decision that I made out of a place of being overwhelmed by a lot at once. But I was not in a good headspace, and it felt like the best, simplest solution was to completely step away from everything for a while.
irl has sadly gotten much harder, but I feel I have an easier time handling things than I used to.
PS is certainly giving me something to be invested in and enjoy in tough times, so I'm happy for that.
I missed out on a lot, and I gave up a lot of things that I valued
but I'm figuring things out each day at a time
and again, I am having fun being back
its been a very long time since I've been on PS or the forums, but I've recently gotten very interested in it all again
I mainly left because of a severe burnout I was experiencing at the time, and significant mental health struggles
but I've had a lot of fun on PS since I've come back. I am rediscovering my passion for playing this game and having a genuinely good time with it.
a lot of my old friends are still around, and I got welcomed back pretty warmly, which I honestly didn't expect, and that meant a lot to me.
I regret leaving to begin with. I often wonder how things would have turned out if I didn't. It was a drastic decision that I made out of a place of being overwhelmed by a lot at once. But I was not in a good headspace, and it felt like the best, simplest solution was to completely step away from everything for a while.
irl has sadly gotten much harder, but I feel I have an easier time handling things than I used to.
PS is certainly giving me something to be invested in and enjoy in tough times, so I'm happy for that.
I missed out on a lot, and I gave up a lot of things that I valued
but I'm figuring things out each day at a time
and again, I am having fun being back
Lots of folks here on the site (and for anyone else) would very likely wish you well and hope things relax. Many of us can relate to various aspects of what you stated. My biggest comment I'd post is that someone does in fact care for you, your well-being, and so on. There are tons of people on this earth (this is something I struggle with too). In addition, the person who you can talk to. Could perhaps keep in contact somehow whether it is virtual call (zoom), or a phone call. The people who do care will aleays reach out when they can. Always support yourself and keep your head high, as the moment self-doubt seeps it will surround you quick. Having a support system no matter how small will help. Can always bump my DM (same username)
Can relate, as someone that went through much the same in my positions (even SPL host, there's only been a dozen of us!), if you ever wanna talk just drop me a DM.
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I read your whole post and while you constantly stated that Smogon was by no means your biggest stressor, I cannot fathom how you folks let this site take this much of a toll on you. I say this as someone that has seen countless people in your position. We jokingly say that nobody ever leaves Smogon and yet those that do only do so for two reasons: they burnt themselves out doing too much work and got tired of the bullshit or were involved in some awful scandal and are likely banned.
At the end of the day this is a volunteer position. Unless there's some weird rule that requires you to spend x amount of hours doing something, just take a break as soon as you start to feel the way you described in your post. You're not obligated to continue reading through gross logs just because your banner says user safety lead. At the end of the day, you'll be replaced, and one of your peers is probably looking forward to stepping up to fulfill your role. I realize those words sound harsh but I'm saying them in the most respectful way possible. That's just how this site works and always will until someone decides to speak up.
damn, if that's the case, just take a break for a bit and take it easy on yourself, we will be fine as long as we know you are alive and well.
I suggest doing so and focus more on the other stuff bothering you so that your other "job" is not gonna stress you out in the meantime.
will you still be active on the forums tho? wish you the best.
I bought a Whoop, waiting for it to arrive. I frequently get stressed at work and let little things bother me that build up and result in inpulsive decisions. I believe it is unfortunately my natural nueotic tendency. But as I have gotten older, through experience and thoughtful mentors I handle it better. I need to relax and rational things when my inclination is get all worked up in my mind, so I can keep being productive and focused.
Really curious to see if having a quality wearable with stress tracking helps me out with identifying rising stress and being able to cool down.
Really curious to see if having a quality wearable with stress tracking helps me out with identifying rising stress and being able to cool down.
Just know that you most definitely have people that appreciate your presence on here, in case you do decide to stay in the community after stepping down. Also, for what it's worth I (and many others) have always seen you as a great contributor, especially with regards to tournament hosting. But in the end, I am happy that you've made a decision that is ultimately better for you long term.
Best of luck with school and IRL stuff as well!
Finally got a name of what I've been dealing with for just over 16 years now: chronophobia.
Supposedly more common in prisoners (which I'm not) and people nearing the end of their life (which, hopefully, I am not). But can hit anyone.
Unfortunately, it is a physical impossibility to avoid the passage of time, so I have to find other ways to deal with this than just avoiding the source of the phobia.
Supposedly more common in prisoners (which I'm not) and people nearing the end of their life (which, hopefully, I am not). But can hit anyone.
Unfortunately, it is a physical impossibility to avoid the passage of time, so I have to find other ways to deal with this than just avoiding the source of the phobia.
i havent had any "Triggers" recently or anything making me want to be !? or ... either way... but oddly i'll randomly feel like "damn why tf am i peaceful?" almost unable to understand it but 1000000000000% appreciating lol
the hell transversed has finally paid off, it's all all finally came full circle and the energy is mine again - it's almost weird relearning after all the nonsense for years lol.
the hell transversed has finally paid off, it's all all finally came full circle and the energy is mine again - it's almost weird relearning after all the nonsense for years lol.
hello, im back. its been a very long while, almost three years, and ive rode an emotional rollercoaster with ecstatic highs and dreadful lows. it is currently one of those dreadful lows, but the feeling has kept coming back over the past couple days instead of fading away into the background so i felt i had to post.
following up from my last post, i went back to school after taking a gap year (since i didnt finish that academic year i had to start over as a first year) but because of something involving a pre-college program that i didnt attend but my roommate and several other people did attend, i started off in a large friend group. of these people, i began hanging out with a girl named e (pseudonym) and by second semester we were dating.
all of this sounds fantastic, because it was at the moment. the problem is that i am an extremely flawed person. im forgetful, clumsy, and oblivious, and that led me to make way too many mistakes repeatedly. it doesnt help that e is prone to anger and im prone to crying, which she has told me a lot that it makes me the victim and her feel like a bad person. and i get that, but every time it happens i just cant help spiralling in my mind about how dumb i am to repeat these mistakes. currently shes mad at me and talking very little to me because i failed to communicate with her regarding my parents coming over (more on that later).
i think that e is a very good person. she works hard with little support from her family, shes smart, shes funny, she gives me thoughtful gifts, she helps me when i feel stressed, and overall shes done more for my mental health than either of my parents have. because of that im terrified to lose her. i was the weird kid before college and even now ive drifted away from all the friends i had in first year just because i feel i can’t relate to them. i feel like i dont deserve her, but then how will i ever find someone else who understands me (or at least in the case of e, someone who found my eccentric self interesting)? i want to salvage the relationship, but even if/when i do so we only have until december when we graduate and i probably never see her again. how do i become someone she can rely on, with self confidence and critical thinking to not keep making the same mistakes? i just feel horribly incompetent and i hate myself for not being able to meaningfully improve myself.
ig my vents done, time to nap and see if these feelings disappear for the moment
following up from my last post, i went back to school after taking a gap year (since i didnt finish that academic year i had to start over as a first year) but because of something involving a pre-college program that i didnt attend but my roommate and several other people did attend, i started off in a large friend group. of these people, i began hanging out with a girl named e (pseudonym) and by second semester we were dating.
all of this sounds fantastic, because it was at the moment. the problem is that i am an extremely flawed person. im forgetful, clumsy, and oblivious, and that led me to make way too many mistakes repeatedly. it doesnt help that e is prone to anger and im prone to crying, which she has told me a lot that it makes me the victim and her feel like a bad person. and i get that, but every time it happens i just cant help spiralling in my mind about how dumb i am to repeat these mistakes. currently shes mad at me and talking very little to me because i failed to communicate with her regarding my parents coming over (more on that later).
i think that e is a very good person. she works hard with little support from her family, shes smart, shes funny, she gives me thoughtful gifts, she helps me when i feel stressed, and overall shes done more for my mental health than either of my parents have. because of that im terrified to lose her. i was the weird kid before college and even now ive drifted away from all the friends i had in first year just because i feel i can’t relate to them. i feel like i dont deserve her, but then how will i ever find someone else who understands me (or at least in the case of e, someone who found my eccentric self interesting)? i want to salvage the relationship, but even if/when i do so we only have until december when we graduate and i probably never see her again. how do i become someone she can rely on, with self confidence and critical thinking to not keep making the same mistakes? i just feel horribly incompetent and i hate myself for not being able to meaningfully improve myself.
ig my vents done, time to nap and see if these feelings disappear for the moment
I feel like a common fallacy especially with younger people (like me too) is that conflict is inherently bad and should be avoided. As long as you have good intentions, conflict is natural with human relationships since no two people are exactly the same. I have a girlfriend and we've probably gotten mad at each other many times because sometimes we just don't agree on an issue and that's okay, but what matters is what you do to try and resolve it. Coming back from conflict strengthens a relationship and the strongest of relationships have been through hell and back. So in a strong relationship it could look like "I'm pissed at you right now because you did x y and z, but I love you anyways" and I see that in a lot of strong couples and friendships.
People tend to look inwards to judge themselves compared to other people. However the truth is that everyone is extremely fucking flawed in one way or another once you get to know them and have issues. I have a bad habit of idealizing others but once I get to know them better, I see that they are no different than me and have unlikeable traits too. There's a saying that goes "a person who appears weird has nothing to hide because you know they're showing everything about themselves, while people who appear normal probably are hiding something weird about themselves". My manager who knows how to do everything at work told me that she struggles with anxiety and depression, my brother who got into one of the best schools into the nation is dealing with a breakup, and my therapist told me that he struggled with anger issues when he was younger. It's really all about perception and the side you see of them.
Not sure if you've seen the Lego movie, but there's this scene that I feel describes what it means to be unique well. For context Emmet tries to fit in with all of his "friends" at work by being "normal", but when the bad guys question his friends about what they know about Emmet they just describe him as boring and unassuming. All of his "friends" at work are people who accept their uniqueness for what it is while Emmet tries to fit in by copying their personality traits, leading for him to be seen as boring because all of his traits, despite being seen as "commonly good", are not his and any "weird" traits of his own have been pushed away. He tries to pretend like he has no problems, when in reality all of his problems stem from the fact that there is no him.
So I guess the main thing I wanted to say was that I feel like you should note is that humans are not black and white. You say that your girlfriend has anger issues and you are prone to crying, but then you list all these good traits that she has in comparison to your negative traits. What makes her so much better than you which places her on another level than you? She has anger issues which is not good, but does that make her a bad person? If you really think about it, you aren't completely bad the same way your girlfriend isn't completely good- humanity doesn't make any sense whatsoever and we as human beings are strange creatures. Instead of viewing it like "My girlfriend is so amazing and I'm so flawed", try to view it like "My girlfriend and I both have issues but I want to be better for the person I love so our relationship can be better".
Another thing you should note is that everyone makes mistakes. There's a saying that goes "I fear the man that practices one kick 1000 times more than the man that practices 1000 kicks 1 time." and that basically translates to if you want to be good at something, you have to face failure. Get to know the taste of failure, do not be afraid of it, dance with it, and face it with everything you've got. The people who succeed are the ones who learn from their mistakes, there are no doubts about it- even if you look at the top Pokemon players on Smogon, all of them have had games where they've been completely dismantled and destroyed but that does not necessarily mean they're bad players. The first thing I feel like you should do to improve is to tap within yourself. Find out the type of person you are and the reasons why you get up every morning and live as them. It sounds weird, but a lot of adverse life happenings can leave us feeling disconnected from within. In order to love your girlfriend correctly, you first have to love yourself. Understand that even though she's an amazing girlfriend and you love her very much, the most important person in your life is ultimately you and that's who she's with. Ask yourself what it means to be you and act within those values.
From personal experience, not having self confidence makes life in general really hard so I would say the first thing to start with is that. I've had a really weird past with an adverse childhood stemming from intergenerational trauma and neurodivergency and it's put my self confidence to the ground. Not believing in yourself makes it really hard to succeed as you instead look for ways to not fail and be "just average" or sustainable. Therapy is really helpful in having more self confidence since it teaches you to be more attuned with your authentic self and tackle common cognitive distortions that feed the shame that low self confidence stems from. Feeling your feelings are really important as that's what makes you human. Try to be kind to yourself the same way you are kind to other people, and I think that's a good starting point. You say you are really clumsy and oblivious and you view that as a bad thing, but how would you talk to a friend who has those same traits? You may tell them that those traits aren't even inherently bad to begin with and give them character or reassure them that they have other good traits too! Also from my personal experience, self confidence is really sexy, especially in relationships.
Be strong and believe in yourself, because it does get better :)
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my brother been going through hell (and god knows i spoke to own hells priors, but god bless i found my out) and recently tryna tell me my younger siblings (since i'm oldest) since he took on more than he ready for, and he got a rare syndrome (Steven Johnsons - terrible shit) that act up esp with stress.
"be there for those there for you -- but stop that cornball save-a-soul shit it gotta stop --- theyll respect you more if they don't just expect it from you all the time. be he one that can resolve it if ish arises, don't let them just expect it from you all the time [esp since they aint doing shit] unless yall locked in - never tell someone ya pockets/energy/power till it's needed and known"
Expectation is the assassin of Appreciation. If yall ain't that deep keep it arms distance, till you KNOW that's YOU and YOUR REALM. Don't get taken advantage of for your goodness.
"be there for those there for you -- but stop that cornball save-a-soul shit it gotta stop --- theyll respect you more if they don't just expect it from you all the time. be he one that can resolve it if ish arises, don't let them just expect it from you all the time [esp since they aint doing shit] unless yall locked in - never tell someone ya pockets/energy/power till it's needed and known"
Expectation is the assassin of Appreciation. If yall ain't that deep keep it arms distance, till you KNOW that's YOU and YOUR REALM. Don't get taken advantage of for your goodness.
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I really, really tried over the years to make myself comfortable in office settings, but it just doesn't work
A coworker of mine was diagnosed with cervical cancer and the first reaction of other coworkers was to badmouth her after hearing of the diagnosis. This isn't the first time I experienced this. Somehow, in every single job I've had, there was atleast one event that was akin to something like this. I don't know why, but somehow, an office is where empathy and human decency goes to die
I am on my third job in 5 years and I am racing towards my fourth if things are continuing this way. I went from abusive to toxic place time after time over the years. I am tired of suffering under politics and intrigues that have no end goal for anyone anyways, I don't want to live this capitalist lie anymore and I know I am capable of doing good
McKinsey, Nestle, Disney, I rejected all of them because I couldn't justify working for them in good conscience. But everytime, I somehow slipped into directly supporting depravity through my work
I was rejected by art school earlier this year. It was a blessing in disguise, the schools in my country in this regard aren't for me. I talked with a friend over the weekend who's been studying sociology and I think I'll do that. All I have is a worthless degree in fucking business, I never learned how to benefit society in a meaningful way
I just want to escape this fully. I ran from place to place but it's the same everywhere
My dream is to have my own animation studio one day. Like Pixar. It's a very long road towards this. But I can live with working a job that at least benefits my fellow people in a meaningful way, instead of wasting my day with tasks that ultimately just fill the pockets of cynical assholes
At least I made this realization (somewhat) early. If I start studying sociology next year, I'll be done before I turn 30
A coworker of mine was diagnosed with cervical cancer and the first reaction of other coworkers was to badmouth her after hearing of the diagnosis. This isn't the first time I experienced this. Somehow, in every single job I've had, there was atleast one event that was akin to something like this. I don't know why, but somehow, an office is where empathy and human decency goes to die
I am on my third job in 5 years and I am racing towards my fourth if things are continuing this way. I went from abusive to toxic place time after time over the years. I am tired of suffering under politics and intrigues that have no end goal for anyone anyways, I don't want to live this capitalist lie anymore and I know I am capable of doing good
McKinsey, Nestle, Disney, I rejected all of them because I couldn't justify working for them in good conscience. But everytime, I somehow slipped into directly supporting depravity through my work
I was rejected by art school earlier this year. It was a blessing in disguise, the schools in my country in this regard aren't for me. I talked with a friend over the weekend who's been studying sociology and I think I'll do that. All I have is a worthless degree in fucking business, I never learned how to benefit society in a meaningful way
I just want to escape this fully. I ran from place to place but it's the same everywhere
My dream is to have my own animation studio one day. Like Pixar. It's a very long road towards this. But I can live with working a job that at least benefits my fellow people in a meaningful way, instead of wasting my day with tasks that ultimately just fill the pockets of cynical assholes
At least I made this realization (somewhat) early. If I start studying sociology next year, I'll be done before I turn 30
I never PERSONALLY tried CBD but can say what it comes from has helped me greatly with it, but obv not what you asking.....
That said the friends I do have that use it tell me it helps a lot, esp with stress and anxiety and I always tease "And you turned down your turn for years, now look at ya," obviously just having fun - but ofc im glad they found something that helps them lol.
I'm writing this right now because I feel like I'm never going to be good at anything, known for anything, or respected.
Pokemon feels like the last hope for me to have some sense of having pride in myself for accomplishment and or claim to achievement in myself, but that's it.
I'm 25, a graduate from college and went to become a cartoonist, and a year later I can't get a job anywhere to support myself. All my friends have moved away and are all building their own families now, and I'm in credit card debt still living with my parents, who are also pretty preoccupied and don't do anything with me anymore, currently unemployed, working for uber on occasion and taking classes at a tech school for a career I don't want to do but end up having to do just to survive. I do therapy, but sometimes it just feels like I'm paying somebody to vent to, and feels like a waste of money.
I've been playing Pokemon for more than two-thirds of my life, and I'm just beside myself that the thing I thought I was exceptional at in my own mind is nothing more than an illusion. What's worse, is that here, in these communities, I can't communicate correctly or feel like I'm wanted or positively affirmed for being here. I've joined discords, played in some small metas here and there, and tried to be a part of scenes, but I just feel so much like an outcast because of my inexperience, and my own opinions towards Smogon that make me a bit of an outcast in my own right opinion-wise. I've been talked about behind my back before, intimidated and scorned by notable figures, and just feel like I don't deserve to even be playing this game just because of how bad I feel like I am on ladder and in discords.
Actual nights have been spent crying about my state in the scene, with one night considering overdosing. I take 90 mg Cymbalta, and sometimes it isn't effective enough to stop how bad I feel about myself.
At this point, I don't even really want to make friends here anymore, despite how much I want them. I honestly wish I could be the best at the games I play, out of spite, so that I can stand over the people that ridiculed me before and have an aura of authority they never thought I'd be able to achieve.
I also wish I could make a scene for myself, away from the discords that are established, and or make my own formats that feel much better than the status quo of what Smogon uses for singles, but every time I talk about this, I just remember how busy I am in life, how insignificant I'd be compared to the rest of the scene, and how sad of a state I am in to find the most amount of joy in my life nowadays chasing glory for myself in a children's rpg.
Is this loving myself? Because this is what I want. I want recognition. I want power. I want respect. I want friends, love, and I want to be the very best like no one ever was, but I just feel so ridiculously alone despite the cultivation in each format.
Maybe I'm complaining too much, or maybe this seems incomprehensible or incoherent. I'm sorry. I just needed to put this out here somewhere. I'm sick of feeling like a burden, or an annoyance. I want to be looked at and desired for my skills, or my knowledge, or just...anything.
Pokemon feels like the last hope for me to have some sense of having pride in myself for accomplishment and or claim to achievement in myself, but that's it.
I'm 25, a graduate from college and went to become a cartoonist, and a year later I can't get a job anywhere to support myself. All my friends have moved away and are all building their own families now, and I'm in credit card debt still living with my parents, who are also pretty preoccupied and don't do anything with me anymore, currently unemployed, working for uber on occasion and taking classes at a tech school for a career I don't want to do but end up having to do just to survive. I do therapy, but sometimes it just feels like I'm paying somebody to vent to, and feels like a waste of money.
I've been playing Pokemon for more than two-thirds of my life, and I'm just beside myself that the thing I thought I was exceptional at in my own mind is nothing more than an illusion. What's worse, is that here, in these communities, I can't communicate correctly or feel like I'm wanted or positively affirmed for being here. I've joined discords, played in some small metas here and there, and tried to be a part of scenes, but I just feel so much like an outcast because of my inexperience, and my own opinions towards Smogon that make me a bit of an outcast in my own right opinion-wise. I've been talked about behind my back before, intimidated and scorned by notable figures, and just feel like I don't deserve to even be playing this game just because of how bad I feel like I am on ladder and in discords.
Actual nights have been spent crying about my state in the scene, with one night considering overdosing. I take 90 mg Cymbalta, and sometimes it isn't effective enough to stop how bad I feel about myself.
At this point, I don't even really want to make friends here anymore, despite how much I want them. I honestly wish I could be the best at the games I play, out of spite, so that I can stand over the people that ridiculed me before and have an aura of authority they never thought I'd be able to achieve.
I also wish I could make a scene for myself, away from the discords that are established, and or make my own formats that feel much better than the status quo of what Smogon uses for singles, but every time I talk about this, I just remember how busy I am in life, how insignificant I'd be compared to the rest of the scene, and how sad of a state I am in to find the most amount of joy in my life nowadays chasing glory for myself in a children's rpg.
Is this loving myself? Because this is what I want. I want recognition. I want power. I want respect. I want friends, love, and I want to be the very best like no one ever was, but I just feel so ridiculously alone despite the cultivation in each format.
Maybe I'm complaining too much, or maybe this seems incomprehensible or incoherent. I'm sorry. I just needed to put this out here somewhere. I'm sick of feeling like a burden, or an annoyance. I want to be looked at and desired for my skills, or my knowledge, or just...anything.
I speak from experience when I say this. Your first mistake was at the very end of this post- you don't need to apologize for wanting to communicate how you feel. We can never fully understand what other people are going through, but I too struggle with selling myself short. I've always been the one on the receiving end of help in my personal life, it feels like, and it's made me very prideful about being able to do things on my own because, I tell myself, "I'm never going to be able to live on my own."
One of the best things you can do is try and examine your options. it sounds to me like you just want to feel understood and acknowledged. Knowing this, take a moment or two every couple of days and ask yourself, "what makes me who I am?" You may be in a rough spot now, sure, but you clearly did something right to at least make it to where you are now. Ask yourself why that is. None of us would even be here if there wasn't some unknown reason for it. Like me, you're looking for a sense of purpose. The thing is, your purpose is what you decide to make of life. If you believe you have skills and knowledge, perhaps try and explore options of how to share those with and for other people. There is happiness to be found in being able to add something to this world- you just have to figure out what that is for you. You're in no rush- recall that you still have much of your life ahead of you.
i recently had a dream where my dad (rip) told me "people understand you more than you think" and i woke up unable to sleep; for obvious reasons but i appreciated it so much. "you dont need to be the show for them anymore, they bank on that, you're the rock, not the caricature" is what really got me.
This game makes me so unbelieveably frustrated and miserable.
I cannot believe how infuriating this game is. I don't know how I can improve. I'm using proven teams, I'm trying to study and predict right, but I'm falling and falling in ELO and losing so badly whether its by RNG or my opponent just having a superior move.
I just want to be good. I want a coach, or more resources. I just want to feel like I'm worth something here.
I cannot believe how infuriating this game is. I don't know how I can improve. I'm using proven teams, I'm trying to study and predict right, but I'm falling and falling in ELO and losing so badly whether its by RNG or my opponent just having a superior move.
I just want to be good. I want a coach, or more resources. I just want to feel like I'm worth something here.
tutoring is open to pretty much everyone, the requirements are almost as low as humanly possible (1 month old account + 15 posts made on the forums). Find a format you want to get better at, sign-up for tutoring and hope someone picks you up. Because that (understandably) takes a while, you can also simply join the main smogon discord, build teams and ask for advice on how to make them better since teambuilding is usually a good way to gauge how in tune you are with any given meta at a certain time.
If you don't wanna do any of that, you can always smash your head against the brick wall of the countless tournaments that exist and try and analyze why you lost each game with hindsight.
I applied to the Apprenticeship program, just waiting. It's mostly ADV I want to be known for. I'm on the discords for those and I've been a little intimidated by some of the members there, but I've been slowly making a few aquaintences here and there that help me. I'm just frustrated I'm sinking so low. I started 2 months ago getting serious and was 1587 at one point, then fell to 1250 this week. I feel like a loser.