So, at some point during my time on Smogon, I posted here about how I've been unable to eat because there was something wrong with my esophagus or whatever and how I was on a liquid diet, that started in 2020. I don't remember when I made the post, probably 2021, but yeah. I've posted here and there in this thread (I think 2 more times after that, though most of it is deleted) and it may not seem like a huge deal immediately, but fuck me not eating for almost FOUR years and being on a liquid diet really takes its toll on you. I lost my social life, I couldn't go on dinner dates, get lunch with my family or friends, snack on things if I'm watching a movie, etc. The more as time went on the more I realized how many things are just planned around food and it made going out with again friends and family so incredibly difficult that my once vibrant social life just ended up collapsing and I became a recluse. It may not seem so crazy to begin with, but imagine going a week without eating anything, just drinking everything. I did that for 4 years. I ended up spending a lot of my time on the internet and on Smogon because this started all happening during quarantine (including me joining Smogon) so I didn't have much of a reason to do anything else, school has been online for me the past few years anyway (going in person next year, yay!) and etc.
Coupled with that, having to deal with being trans and navigate that while also having to perform well in school just made for a horrible concoction. I didn't realize it until recently tbh but I became passively suicidal for a very long time. In 2023 I had a lot of string of events happen 1 after another that I won't get into, but it lead me down an incredibly dark path, and around November-December (I think, I tend to block this from my memory xd) I ended up attempting to overdose, obviously it did not work lmao because I'm an idiot but yeah. I essentially did not want to live at all because the way I was, wasn't a way of living. I felt like a shell of my former self and it was so miserable and painful everyday to be reminded that I was not a normal person. Partying with friends and going out and not being able to really do anything besides sit and watch people enjoy food and etc. is the most soul crushing thing I think I've ever gone through. I'm 22 and nothing to show for it really besides a few useless degrees and certificates I've gotten from all the time I was able to allocate into school. I haven't gone to a party in almost 2 years now, haven't had the college experience I wanted (fingers crossed for my final 2 years though lol). Maybe it sounds dumb but my life was basically put on an indefinite hold when this happened. I had dreamed of going to college and finally becoming myself with no restrictions, then this came at me fast and knocked me on my ass, and I felt shackled at home and permanently visiting the ER at all angles of my life. Not to mention only having liquids makes for a very boring diet and I felt like I was in permanent limbo, doctors unable to do anything, not finding a diagnosis and etc. just a miserable fucking existence, and this has reflected in my behavior IRL and online for sure.
Once it became 2024, it was just another year to me. Didn't have any goals or anything besides to get estrogen (which I have, yay!) but there's other barriers with that via family and etc. but not the main point.
The reason I'm posting about this is because today I finally pushed past the bullshit and had a real meal lol. I cried during it, the entire time the only thing I could think of was "I'm free". I'm finally fucking free of that stupid curse. My doctors haven't found a diagnosis as to why I had some chronic esophagus issue and I'm not necessarily cured. It will be a long journey still, and maybe I'll regress at some point, but progress isn't linear. I've had a lovely Speech-Language Pathologist help me work through eating different kinds of consistencies and fuck does it feel good. But even before this, I had been undergoing a lot of growth mentally and just trying to navigate depression and how to work against it. My depression was really bad (obviously if I tried to OD LMAO), going to the store to get groceries, even just getting out of bed felt like a chore, but I just had to push myself. Even with this going on I just had to push myself to do it. It got to a point recently that I got excited from having the challenge and I welcomed obstacles with an open mind and with open arms. I felt (and still feel) that if I could get past this, I could do anything, literally anything I set my mind to. I got so depressed to a point where I think my brain just put me in survival mode and I stopped caring of the outcome, I just had to do it. It's been a long fucking 4 years. But I did it.
Reason I was sharing this is that back when this was still called the depression thread, almost every post was negative (to my recollection). I haven't really checked this thread since besides making a random schizopost when I was going to OD. I've only spread negativity here, and I want to change that cycle for myself (and also because I posted about this issue before so I want to just put this behind me and yell into a void because it feels nice lolol). People go through some tough shit. Trust me, I know how it feels. I always see people talking about how it "gets better" and I always just immediately thought that stuff was stupidly optimistic and I hated it. I never thought that it would be me, you know? My own depression trapped me in thinking I'd be this miserable recluse forever with no way to fix it. But here's the thing-- misery loves company. I surrounded myself with a new group of friends, reconnected with old ones, and made a bunch of new ones (online, i live hours away from my irl ones for now rip). I surrounded myself with positivity and people who weren't as miserable as me and that energy bounced off of them onto me and I think 100% set me on the path I needed to be to accomplish what I did today. The anxiety and depression just eventually wore off when I realized that I really do want to live, I have my own dreams and I want to see them come to fruition. Life hit me fast, and it hit me so fucking hard, and in 2023 it really kept hitting me, but I kept getting up. I'm sure there's plenty of people in here who have been hit harder than I have, but just know it's not the end of things.
I'm not going to tag people because that would be super cringe but to gum, sensei axew, driplegend, ms jisoo, crow crumbs, shieldpoke, scarfire, seasons, adjustments, mushamu, km, avarice, pdt, mncmt, cell and the rest of my friends in duckies, if you guys ever seen this, you guys quite literally saved my life by just being the amazing people you are and I cherish all of you. I'm sure there's more people I should mention but I talk to these people the most / they have had significant impact on me even if we don't talk that often.
