Serious Relationships and Sex Ed Thread

Alright, I just want to say that "friends with benefits" sounds good in theory, but it virtually never works in the end. You can't continue to have sex with a person without one of you developing feelings for the other. Sex is far too intimate and vulnerable to be casual indefinitely, eventually someone is going to want a relationship or act like it already has become one.

Friends with benefits is just a convenient term thought up by horny high school and college kids with the illusion that they can just have a huge orgy without the consequences and challenges of commitment, which is absurd to say the least. It doesn't work, so stop pretending it does. Anyone who claims it has "worked for them" either a) didn't do it for long enough, b) didn't notice the other person had feelings or c) is lying.

Also, just to be clear, having sex with someone casually two or three times does not qualify as "friends with benefits". That's just a fling or an extended one night stand, which is possible to pull off without developing feelings.
 
Is it friendzoning when you express interest in a sister of a friend and she expresses interest in you back, but says that she has a rule about not dating her brother's friends?

Because that happened to me once and I feel like that's the only way to aptly describe it.
 
WaterBomb said:
Alright, I just want to say that "friends with benefits" sounds good in theory, but it virtually never works in the end. You can't continue to have sex with a person without one of you developing feelings for the other. Sex is far too intimate and vulnerable to be casual indefinitely, eventually someone is going to want a relationship or act like it already has become one.

Friends with benefits is just a convenient term thought up by horny high school and college kids with the illusion that they can just have a huge orgy without the consequences and challenges of commitment, which is absurd to say the least. It doesn't work, so stop pretending it does. Anyone who claims it has "worked for them" either a) didn't do it for long enough, b) didn't notice the other person had feelings or c) is lying.

Also, just to be clear, having sex with someone casually two or three times does not qualify as "friends with benefits". That's just a fling or an extended one night stand, which is possible to pull off without developing feelings.
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Sorry, but I completely disagree with this. I had a "friends with benefits" for almost 2 years, and nothing like that ever happened. It was nice, it was fun, it was a learning experience. Just because most people can't detach sex from love doesn't mean its impossible or that they're permanently attached. Social conditioning has taught us to believe that sex = love, and that's just simply untrue.

Eraddd:

1. I've asked a lot of friends out on sort of "dates". Again, it was more propositions for a friends with benefits thing, but I still think that counts because it puts your neck out there. And yeah, I've had some people accept. Its nice to be with someone you're close with, because you know that even if you're not compatible like that, you can still be friends, so for me at least it takes a lot of the stress away. I try my hardest to stay friends with all of my ex's and my ex hookups. Most of the time, its quite easy. I think I keep in contact with everyone but 3 - two of them were from a long time ago, and I never see either of them, the other one was crazy, suicidal and semi homicidal, so I kind of cut that short.

2. Okay so fun with numbers time! I have about a 3:1 rejection to acceptance rate. Now think on the fact that I've been with 20something people. Do the math. Have fun. Rejection sucks, yeah, but its not the end of the world. Be friends, move on.


PS> Friendzone is a term coined by entitled little whiny shits who think they're obligated to a relationship for being friends with a person. (this goes for both genders, ladies). You don't get into a friendship to date someone, fuck off. If I don't like someone, I don't like them. I don't owe you anything. You are NOT a nice guy, don't pull the "nice guys finish last". If you were nice, you'd stop being so obnoxiously passive aggressive and stop guilting people, stop whining.
 
WaterBomb said:
Alright, I just want to say that "friends with benefits" sounds good in theory, but it virtually never works in the end. You can't continue to have sex with a person without one of you developing feelings for the other. Sex is far too intimate and vulnerable to be casual indefinitely, eventually someone is going to want a relationship or act like it already has become one.

Friends with benefits is just a convenient term thought up by horny high school and college kids with the illusion that they can just have a huge orgy without the consequences and challenges of commitment, which is absurd to say the least. It doesn't work, so stop pretending it does. Anyone who claims it has "worked for them" either a) didn't do it for long enough, b) didn't notice the other person had feelings or c) is lying.

Also, just to be clear, having sex with someone casually two or three times does not qualify as "friends with benefits". That's just a fling or an extended one night stand, which is possible to pull off without developing feelings.
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Or maybe not everyone has the same reaction to an extended sexual relationship that you do? It's sort of the same basis behind having an open relationship. Not everyone feels the same way about sex in terms of intimacy. I know I sure as hell don't think it's a particularly intimate act unless the relationship already has certain feelings involved. It's just for fun otherwise.
 
a good friend of mine only hangs out with guys she'd date if the opportunity were to come up. she affectionately refers to the friend zone as 'the waiting room'.

but anyway, the friend zone isn't a thing. if you exhibit enough qualities that make her uninterested in you sexually, then you are simply not dateable in her eyes. there really isn't more to it than that. doing certain things that you think make you a 'better friend' may inadvertently make you look less desirable sexually, but they can be avoided if you're careful. it's very possible (and recommended, really) to be a good friend and hold her interest sexually.
 
The concept of a friend zone is more or less insulting. You do not get to trade niceness tokens for sex, which is something I think a lot of younger guys don't tend to understand. I'm not saying this doesn't happen with women, but I've noticed it more with guys.

If you think you're "in the friend zone", examine why you're friends with the person in the first place. If the main reason you're friends is because you want to get in their pants, that is probably not a healthy relationship! That's not to say that being sexually attracted to your friends is a bad thing, but you shouldn't be nice or friendly to people with the goal of having sex with them.

Say you are friends, though, and want a romantic relationship. If you feel the feelings may be mutual, or you feel like you can't keep hiding your feelings, let them know! It's possible you'll lose a friend, but it's also possible that the feelings could be returned.

To answer eraddd's question, I have asked a friend out before. We were spending a lot of one on one time together and I was crushing pretty bad, so I got up the courage and told her that I wanted to be more than just friends. She rejected me, since she didn't feel that way about me (and also because she had stopped identifying as bisexual and instead identified as lesbian), and for a while it was a bit awkward. I think there was a period of about a month where she didn't return my texts. After that awkwardness, though, we've remained good friends.

Also, on the subject of friends with benefits, I personally have never known a fwb relationship to work out. Like waterbomb said, eventually someone is going to take it more seriously than the other, which could lead to problems if the other person doesn't want to have a full-blown relationship.
 
Lee said:
'no lets just be friends' is just a polite term for 'i'm not really interested,' romance can develop from friendship quite nicely.
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I wish I was a mod so I could edit your post so it was underlined and highlighted

Myzozoa said:
, but the actual reason for this is because I'm worried that any long-term partner would interfere with my plans to indoctrinate the children I have/adopt. I probably won't try to explain this here, but it isn't as silly as it seems.
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this is pretty awesome sounding
 
considering the most successful marriages are between people who consider each other their "best friend", being in the fabled "friend zone" isn't the be-all end-all of your life

I always thought of myself as a "friend zone" guy when I was younger, and you know what? I was right. I was right that girls didn't want more from me, because as was mentioned before, I was a whiny, passive-aggressive little turd who expected things to come to me instead of going out and getting them myself. Once I realized what a fuck I was, I changed for the better and haven't looked back since.
 
DM said:
considering the most successful marriages are between people who consider each other their "best friend", being in the fabled "friend zone" isn't the be-all end-all of your life
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That is a bit misleading because most couples don't become best friends until after they've been married or at least been together for a while. Friend zone is something that happens before you even begin dating. Obviously any couple that dates for a while become friends by virtue of the fact that they know each other on a much deeper level than most. But most couples don't become friends first before dating.
 
DM summarized basically what I feel about myself. I get myself friend-zoned constantly.

Sometimes it's hard not to. I tend to comfort people who are upset, and usually this ends up being a girl, whether I like her or not. So they automatically assume I'm just that friend who's there to support her. And don't get me wrong, I would do that for anyone and any girl I'd be dating, but I don't enjoy getting written off as a bad contender for a boyfriend. One of my friends literally told me she wouldn't date me because we were friends, which really pissed me off.
 
Glen said:
but anyway, the friend zone isn't a thing. if you exhibit enough qualities that make her uninterested in you sexually, then you are simply not dateable in her eyes. there really isn't more to it than that. doing certain things that you think make you a 'better friend' may inadvertently make you look less desirable sexually, but they can be avoided if you're careful. it's very possible (and recommended, really) to be a good friend and hold her interest sexually.
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wer said:
The concept of a friend zone is more or less insulting. You do not get to trade niceness tokens for sex, which is something I think a lot of younger guys don't tend to understand. I'm not saying this doesn't happen with women, but I've noticed it more with guys.
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nail it completely for me

what I'll add is that the transition from friend to lover is quite an exciting one as it's something that (due to the prevalence of the idea of friendzoning) is rather unheard of.

The bottom line is, if there is some sort of chemistry/sexual tension between the two, something can happen. If you two have a history of getting on well (as friends), that makes things so much easier. If there isn't mutual attraction, then nothing will happen. "Friendzoning" doesn't come into this.
 
Gengan said:
DM summarized basically what I feel about myself. I get myself friend-zoned constantly.

Sometimes it's hard not to. I tend to comfort people who are upset, and usually this ends up being a girl, whether I like her or not. So they automatically assume I'm just that friend who's there to support her. And don't get me wrong, I would do that for anyone and any girl I'd be dating, but I don't enjoy getting written off as a bad contender for a boyfriend. One of my friends literally told me she wouldn't date me because we were friends, which really pissed me off.
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'no lets just be friends' is just a polite term for 'i'm not really interested,' romance can develop from friendship quite nicely.
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words of wisdom from lee, please read them gengan

if some girl says that to you it's an excuse, just like when you tell your teacher you didn't do your homework because you had a piano recital while conveniently ignoring the five hours you spent on Smogon last night. It's a nice way to brush you off without hurting feelings, but it definitely just means she's not interested
 
I fail to see how saying "I don't want to date you" is a nice way to brush someone off. To me, that's the rudest way to tell anyone that you're not interested. But I understand about the "romance can develop from friendship" thing. I've seen it happen a lot. I just don't understand how it works when, as stated above, being nice in certain ways makes you less desirable. How are you even supposed to know what those things are? Any girl could change their preferences when it comes to that.
 
here's a tip on how to avoid the friendzone: don't be friends with a girl you want to date. get to know her, ask her out, if she says no then stop wasting your time. hopefully I've saved you all years of your life
 
Gengan said:
DM summarized basically what I feel about myself. I get myself friend-zoned constantly.

Sometimes it's hard not to. I tend to comfort people who are upset, and usually this ends up being a girl, whether I like her or not. So they automatically assume I'm just that friend who's there to support her. And don't get me wrong, I would do that for anyone and any girl I'd be dating, but I don't enjoy getting written off as a bad contender for a boyfriend. One of my friends literally told me she wouldn't date me because we were friends, which really pissed me off.
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Sex/romance is a basic urge but it's not a right. If nobody finds you attractive, then you need to either change things about yourself or broaden your horizons. I suppose one could lay the blame somewhat on the perpetuation of the idea that friends and lovers are two things that don't overlap, and that this causes people to ignore latent sexual feelings.
 
I wouldn't use the term "if nobody finds you attractive" because being hot/ugly is determined by both your genes and a person's general perception of hot or not. You can't really control it. But in terms of personality it's something everyone could work on, I guess. I, for one, could try to be less whiny, but this isn't the thread for that. What exactly do people find attractive personality-wise?
 
Gengan said:
I wouldn't use the term "if nobody finds you attractive" because being hot/ugly is determined by both your genes and a person's general perception of hot or not.
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if someone doesn't find you attractive there's nothing else you can say to that lol, get over it and move on.

You can't really control it. But in terms of personality it's something everyone could work on, I guess. I, for one, could try to be less whiny, but this isn't the thread for that. What exactly do people find attractive personality-wise?
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Attractive is to mean desirable because of your looks, personality, wealth, everything about you, not restricted to looks. There's the entire picture to look at.

Also, newsflash: your personality is not something that you can arbitrarily work on to become attractive and overcome your inadequacies elsewhere. Some people will always have deal-breaking flaws, but then again they might find someone who doesn't care. My point is that you gotta focus on personal development without seeing it the means to the end of getting laid.
 
Gengan said:
I wouldn't use the term "if nobody finds you attractive" because being hot/ugly is determined by both your genes and a person's general perception of hot or not. You can't really control it. But in terms of personality it's something everyone could work on, I guess. I, for one, could try to be less whiny, but this isn't the thread for that. What exactly do people find attractive personality-wise?
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I guess I would have to disagree with the first part of your statement, physical attractiveness is certainly affected by genetics, but there is so much you can do to 'increase' your 'appeal.' I wear nail polish and dress in a certain way, and do a lot of athletics. I'm not attractive because of what I was born with, I'm attractive because I know how to manipulate people into thinking that I'm attractive physically. As for personality, I find smart people attractive, especially if they're talented in a form of art, it's almost a fetish for me; there are ugly people who I am attracted to because of their talent. Because I'm a smart person I constantly evaluate the situations I'm in, this is why I don't think I've ever had bad sex: I always communicate with my partner during and after on how to make it better. It's kind of funny for me to read horror stories about awful/horribly awkward sex, all I can think is 'this is the story of two dumb people'.
 
it's only my most recent relationship that has developed from a previously (and obviously ongoing!) long-term friendship - it can happen or not, sometimes you're friends with someone for so long and the planets seem to eventually align - all their traits you found valuable in a friendship evolve to another level that you value even more in a partner. i agree with adam in that the best relationships/marriages are those that develop from close friendships. even if you start dating someone for a few months, and then for a few years, it would be foolish to not also consider them a "friend" of yours. it's not like someone stops being a friend when you're fucking them.

i think while aesthetics may be the most basic element of attraction, it's also taken for granted the most, and therein not really the most "important." people aren't born looking like they go to the gym every day - they actually do, and take care of their body. maybe they don't smoke, and their teeth are healthy and white. they've always got stylish hair. there are lots of things you can do to edit your appearance and present yourself in a way that you find attractive, which should be the focus! it's not about how you want others to perceive you, but how you want to perceive you, ie CONFIDENCE. if you have confidence, pretty much everyone is going to give you a double take.
 
Chill Murray said:
The concept of a friend zone is more or less insulting. You do not get to trade niceness tokens for sex, which is something I think a lot of younger guys don't tend to understand. I'm not saying this doesn't happen with women, but I've noticed it more with guys.

If you think you're "in the friend zone", examine why you're friends with the person in the first place. If the main reason you're friends is because you want to get in their pants, that is probably not a healthy relationship!
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^this. Also the whole concept of the friend zone is a joke. Guys say "oh she didn't want me, I must be in the friend zone"... or she just doesn't like you that way mate. Also when girls say they "don't want to do anything because you're such good friends", most of the time I'd say thats bs too. Its an easy excuse that spares some feelings; sounds better than, "no I don't want to hook up with you, I do not find you attractive." Its bs because theres loads of girls who hook up with really good friends, but only the ones they want to. Sounds obvious but so many people don't get it.

tl;dr The friend-zone isn't a real thing. At least not in the way many people think it is.
 
If you think you're "in the friend zone", examine why you're friends with the person in the first place. If the main reason you're friends is because you want to get in their pants, that is probably not a healthy relationship!
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agreeing with this. if you consider yourself in the "friend zone" with someone, that's a great sign that you shouldn't really be friends with them, considering that you're viewing their friendship as a negative. if you think you're in the friend zone, then you shouldn't be friends in the first place
 
so everybody over the age of twelve agrees that the friend zone doesn't exist
wonderful we're not all retards yaaaay
 
if you want to be in a relationship with a girl then you should already be good enough friends that you can tell her "hey i like you"!

if she doesnt like you back then your friendship *should* be strong enough to endure it; if it wasnt then its not like youd have a good relationship anyway.........

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to diverge from this convo:

have any of you been involved in the "pickup" community or whatever you call it? i looked up on it because so many people talk about it and the core advice seems pretty obvious: it's like "be friendly!" and "be confident!" i guess it is really just a bunch of socially awkward people trying to get socially competent?

is there anything obvious im missing about it?
 
when i was 14 a guy actually told me "your name is tattoo'd on my ass" or whatever the hell that line was supposed to be

why is that even a line 9.9
 
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