Serious Relationships and Sex Ed Thread

I never said jealousy was inherent, I just said it was common. Humans are naturally selfish creatures, so it's very EASY to succumb to jealousy. That doesn't mean it's good or right though. I wouldn't call jealousy a personality trait, more likely I would classify it at a natural tendency due to our nature. Calling it a personality trait would imply that some people are immune to it, which I believe is inaccurate. I think everyone is capable of being jealous, some just control it better than others.
 
Fishy said:
i think everyone would agree with you that jealousy is not at all inherent to relationships, but said realm is where we're talking about jealousy raising its ugly head, no?

jealousy is a personality trait just as much as anything else, and i agree that it's not only in relationships that someone exposes that aspect of themselves most poignantly, but it might be in relationships where it can be the most destructive, at least condensed to two people.
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yeah but to say that jealousy is a sign of an unhealthy relationship is near-sighted and doesn't hit the root of the issue. jealousy is just as frequently, if not more so (at least in my experiences), a sign of an unhealthy person.

if you are the kind of person who gets jealous easy, your partner can only do so much in trying to placate you.
 
WaterBomb said:
I never said jealousy was inherent, I just said it was common. Humans are naturally selfish creatures, so it's very EASY to succumb to jealousy. That doesn't mean it's good or right though. I wouldn't call jealousy a personality trait, more likely I would classify it at a natural tendency due to our nature. Calling it a personality trait would imply that some people are immune to it, which I believe is inaccurate. I think everyone is capable of being jealous, some just control it better than others.
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maybe i misunderstood you, but i just got the impression that you were implying that someone's jealousy is usually the fault of the partner for 'making them jealous'

also by personality trait i meant 'succumbing easily to it', i figured that was implied. 'the jealous type' is an oft-muttered phrase for a reason.
 
Oh no no no that's not what I meant, I was saying that when a person is jealous that means they do not trust their partner. Now sometimes this is caused by "shady" behavior by the other person, and sometimes this is an irrational jealousy borne from a person's bad past experiences or just a general tendency toward jealousy. Whether the person has a legitimate REASON to be jealous or not is irrelevant, lack of trust in a relationship makes it unhealthy period. If your significant other is jealous and you think you haven't given them a reason to be, you need to talk to them about it. Perhaps something you did or said was misinterpreted by them and planted a negative seed in their mind? Perhaps they have baggage from a previous relationship and it's causing them to overreact to things in the present? Either way, it's an issue that can undermine a relationship's success, and it MUST be addressed and resolved if the relationship is to survive. Even if jealousy is unfounded, it can only be ignored for so long before it boils over and causes more issues.
 
oh i actually meant to address elcheeso because i was wondering how she managed to overcome being potentially jealous of other people being sexually or romantically intimate with her partner because she is in an open/polygamous relationship

but this is interesting as well. i'll edit later
 
ok new question

how do you know when someone likes you

and if they do like you, what do you do

i am so bad at this
 
If they brighten up around you, go out of their way to talk/see/touch you, constant flirting/sexual tension, those are good signs. Once you do know then ask them out if you want to date them. Do it in person though, I've gotten a couple dates from the good ol' facebook chat but it'll give you confidence if you do it a lot in person. Everyone likes confidence.

edit: also to touch on what BA said, the more you ask people out in person, the less scary it gets each time you do it, so there's another reason to do it in person. Rejection ain't no big deal.
 
soot said:
ok new question

how do you know when someone likes you

and if they do like you, what do you do

i am so bad at this
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if you're interested in someone ask them out

it may seem like the end of the world if they say no or think you're strange but who cares, neither of you will remember in two weeks and by 70 years you'll both be dead, the meaningless interaction that was shared having played a role of zero sum in both of your lives!!

and if they say yes then congratulations you have someone to hang with and possibly bang if that's what you're after.

no big deal, people build it up to being "something" but quite honestly it's "nothing"
 
i've definitely experienced lots of "gray zones" though

where you talk to the person semi-regularly and see some signs that you think are good but might just be them being friendly

and you're so attracted to them that it's hard to objectively determine whether they're attracted to you

i mean i doubt a lot of people have literally experienced the opposite sex randomly humping them in the hallway or whatever (exaggerating but that seems like a loooot of criteria for mutual attraction)....i'm definitely with soot on being totally fucking clueless if people like me or are just being friendly, especially when people might just be interested and not, as beyonce might say, crazy in love
 
Doesn't hurt to just ask. You gotta ask yourself: Are you ok with just being their friend if they so no? Chances are you aren't, so just go for it.
 
making a massive hypocrite of myself and pulling this back to friendzones (in reverse, this time)

i have a female friend who i've known for about 2 years and we've always got on really well. she started working out a few months ago and came to me for advice so we grew closer over that and it has gotten to the point where she rings me every night and we talk for hours at a time. she keeps coming out with stuff like 'you're the only guy i've ever met that i fully trust and can be myself around' but will later bring the conversation to her love life and say something like 'sigh i just worry that i'll never meet a guy that i can fully trust and be myself around' and then pause for a few moments as if i'm supposed to say something to that and it's just horrifically awkward and is honestly just the tip of the iceberg...i'm open to the idea that i have so thoroughly disarmed her over the years that she doesn't think of me like that at all and just doesn't realise how what she is saying could be interpreted but if i was looking at this from the outside i would be like 'she is blatantly interested in you you tool.' however i am not interested in her, she is really cute but i respect her too much for it to be anything less than a full blown relationship and i simply can't be handling that at this stage in my life. so basically i need to diffuse the situation a little because i get the feeling that if i don't respond to one of her little prompts soon then she is going to take the initiative and that is just going to be an utter train wreck. it's manageable atm because i'm working away but i'll likely see her when i go back home for xmas (read: get drunk with her) and it'd be nice to take the edge off a little before then. i'd hate to lose her as a friend as i 'click' with her better than any female i've ever met (to the point she has told me i'm the 'male version of her') but there is a certain sense of inevitability in the air that i don't like one bit tbh!

so after dismissing the idea of a friendzone i now find myself trying to reinforce one. help. assuming i am reading the signals correctly, how do i get out of this before it gets messy and without wrecking a friendship i truly value?
 
Yeah, there's no surefire way to tell unless you actually ask the person out. Just keep it simple and unweird, like "hey a bunch of us are going to see The Hobbit (just an example it doesn't have to be this specific movie) this friday, you should come!"

Protip: asking them out to a group get together is much less intimidating than going right in for the kill. You'll be able to tell by their response if they are interested in you or not. If they are interested, they'll be quick to say yes. If they aren't, they'll either flat out say no or kind of waver on it and be like "well, let me check my calendar and get back to you".

If they say yes and they come out, make sure to spend time talking to them while you're there. Get to know them a little in a non-threatening setting so it's not creepy. If the conversation goes well, then ask if they want to have dinner sometime the next week. How do you know if the conversation is going well or not? Follow your gut. You'll generally be able to tell just by feeling whether there are positive vibes flying around. See if she's smiling, see if she's looking at you when you talk instead of looking around. Observe whether she's actively participating in the conversation or just letting you do all the talking.

Another tip: the best way to get people to get off their ass and do something with you is to not give them the option to say no. I don't mean doing this in a rude or commanding way, just say something like "so I'm thinking dinner sometime next week. Is Tuesday or Wednesday better for you?" Only use this approach once you're sure they are interested though, as it can be misinterpreted as presumption if they are still on the fence.
 
@Lee

Sorry bro, but that's full blown friendzone you got there. She sees you like a brother, or a non-sexual friend. Basically one of the girls. You're most likely more sensitive and caring than the guys she normally dates and she uses you for comfort with her problems and shit like that. Unless you really enjoy talking about her problems with other dudes, I'd break off contact and forget about her.
 
Lee said:
making a massive hypocrite of myself and pulling this back to friendzones (in reverse, this time)

i have a female friend who i've known for about 2 years and we've always got on really well. she started working out a few months ago and came to me for advice so we grew closer over that and it has gotten to the point where she rings me every night and we talk for hours at a time. she keeps coming out with stuff like 'you're the only guy i've ever met that i fully trust and can be myself around' but will later bring the conversation to her love life and say something like 'sigh i just worry that i'll never meet a guy that i can fully trust and be myself around' and then pause for a few moments as if i'm supposed to say something to that and it's just horrifically awkward and is honestly just the tip of the iceberg...i'm open to the idea that i have so thoroughly disarmed her over the years that she doesn't think of me like that at all and just doesn't realise how what she is saying could be interpreted but if i was looking at this from the outside i would be like 'she is blatantly interested in you you tool.' however i am not interested in her, she is really cute but i respect her too much for it to be anything less than a full blown relationship and i simply can't be handling that at this stage in my life. so basically i need to diffuse the situation a little because i get the feeling that if i don't respond to one of her little prompts soon then she is going to take the initiative and that is just going to be an utter train wreck. it's manageable atm because i'm working away but i'll likely see her when i go back home for xmas (read: get drunk with her) and it'd be nice to take the edge off a little before then. i'd hate to lose her as a friend as i 'click' with her better than any female i've ever met (to the point she has told me i'm the 'male version of her') but there is a certain sense of inevitability in the air that i don't like one bit tbh!

so after dismissing the idea of a friendzone i now find myself trying to reinforce one. help. assuming i am reading the signals correctly, how do i get out of this before it gets messy and without wrecking a friendship i truly value?
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Firstly, you are correct in your suspicion that she is interested in you. I mean who wouldn't be, you sexy stud you.

Secondly, why can't you handle a relationship at this point in your life? Love doesn't exactly wait for a convenient time to drop into our lives, so it'd be a shame to waste a golden opportunity because you think you don't have the time. You'd be surprised how well a relationship can work when the two parties are that interested in one another, because they will be motivated to make time and be creative because they care that much. Would you mind sharing a little with me about why you don't think you can handle a relationship right now? It would help me give you better advice.

Honestly, if I were you, I wouldn't be afraid of the whole "full blown relationship" thing. If this girl is truly worth it for you, the two of you will understand each other's situations and be creative in your approaches. Make everything clear up front about what your other commitments and schedules are, so there's no hidden surprises. Who knows, maybe a relationship with a lovely woman is just the thing you need to make the rest of your hectic life flow more smoothly? It happened to me, maybe it can to you too?
 
ala said:
@Lee

Sorry bro, but that's full blown friendzone you got there. She sees you like a brother, or a non-sexual friend. Basically one of the girls. You're most likely more sensitive and caring than the guys she normally dates and she uses you for comfort with her problems and shit like that. Unless you really enjoy talking about her problems with other dudes, I'd break off contact and forget about her.
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...did you read my post at all? i accept (nay - I hope) that your first few sentences could very well be true but why would i break off contact and forget about one of my best friends? because she's a girl?

@WaterBomb, i know i've been saying it for years but good chance i'll be joining the army in the next 6 months and between now and then i'm living 100 miles away from said girl so the whole thing is a bit of a non-starter really. i've expressed the initial concern with her but she seemed unfazed by it, apparently it's not as much of a dealbreaker for her than it is for me.
 
Because you're in love/lust with her and she'll never feel the same way? Like I said in an earlier post, ask yourself if you're ok with that scenario. If so, then keep contact, what do I care lol.
 
I lived 229 miles from my wife when we first began dating, and we were together for two years before I was finally able to find a job and move up there. Hell, we were ENGAGED for a year before I even moved. 100 miles is nothing, that's like two hour drive max, something you can do on weekends. Also, not saying this is you, but usually when people say "good chance" they're joining the army, they're just using that as an excuse to avoid making other commitments.

Also, the fact that she's unfazed by all of that shows she is very interested in you, and feels connected to you. That's not a level of devotion you'll find in many people, I suggest you not pass it up.
 
I agree. I think you need to make a unilateral decision either about this girl or the army. Your life be damned, the situation be damned -- if you're interested in her, go for it, if you're not, don't. I think it's funny that WB and me both had the initial reaction of "wait, why can't you be in a relationship right now? what exactly is the issue?" and yet you pretty unequivocally stated that you don't want this, but...

I think if you would be with her without those obstacles, you should be with her regardless of them.

And I think that if, even if you were staying where you were and she wasn't living next door, if you're sure you don't want to be with her, then just talk to her -- honestly, just continue as you are going and try either not to get yourself into a situation where it's likely you'll hook up with her or any romantic moments. Like WB said, life is complicated, there's no good time for anything, so try to squeeze in happiness when you can.
 
i say 'good chance' because i failed on my previous four attempts and am not taking anything for granted this time ;( but you're right in that perhaps i'm just using it as an excuse but the point remains i'm convinced i'm not in the right frame of mind or stage of life for a relationship with anybody and i'm not even sure i could see myself with this girl anyway

edit: actually going to mull on this, i think i am that convinced i don't want to be in a relationship that i haven't actually stopped to consider why i don't want to be in a relationship??? still, that's seperate to what i have going on with this girl, i just don't see her like that? omg i think i am turning gay

and wtf lol is anybody else getting the same gists from my posts that ala is, i honestly just had to go and re-read my post to make sure i hadn't written something absurd. i am in neither love or lust with this girl, she is a good friend of mine who lately seems to have upped the emotional intensity of our friendship and i'm trying to nip it in the bud because i don't wanna risk hurting her or fucking everything up

edit2 @ ala: yeah that's it! i worry that it'll get really uncomfortable if i say something and it'll be unfair if i don't. i think what i'm going to do is start casually dropping it into our conversations that i don't want a relationship with anybody right now and hopefully she picks up on the sincerity of that and backs off a little, that would be best i feel
 
Nah I didn't really read your post that well I guess. My apologies.

edit: Just so this post isn't completely useless, I'll share what I think about friendzoning a girl. If you mention it, shits gonna get weird I think, so if anything you should try to be a bit more standoffish. (If you don't want a relationship to happen). If it becomes plainly obvious that she likes you or w/e, then I'd definitely bring her down gently. There's nothing worse than being led on, I'm not saying you are but she might feel that way or something. It's always bad when a girl does that to a guy, by the end of it you're just like "I wish she would've just said she wasn't interested".

edit2: Also @Pern, I think that's what I was getting from Lee's initial post. When you called her "really cute" I just assumed you wanted a relationship to happen (or head to bonetown with her). So yeah, hope that clears things up.
 
Guessing, but it seems strange in terms of male sexual dynamics that you'd have a friend who you think is "really cute" and who you talk to for literally hours on end that you're not interested in at all...

I guess I've never understood why people are so wrapped up in the right timing or how they're feeling or whatever in regards to a relationship. how do you know unless you try?

edit: or not

edit 2: I agree with the below post; said more coherently than mine

edit3: sorry elcheeso, i have no idea why i assumed you were a girl. I'm crazy!
 
Yeah Lee, I definitely have to agree with WaterBomb here. When I act that way with a guy, confiding in him like THAT ("sigh i just worry that i'll never meet a guy that i can fully trust and be myself around"), I am totally head over heels for him. She is totally dropping hints-- no way she isn't interested.

And as for the not being able to handle a relationship at this stage in your life... well... I think that if you two get along that well and respect each other that much, it could actually end up working out if you give it an honest try. Especially since she already knows you may be joining the army and she DEFINITELY knows you're 100 miles away from her, but she's still interested. You're already great friends, and you've been able to keep that up despite the distance, so taking it to the next level doesn't seem completely nuts.

However, if you really really really think you can't handle a relationship now and she does end up coming on to you directly, be honest and don't pussy out of it. Tell her how you really feel-- how it's the distance and the army thing that are getting in the way, and that maybe someday something could happen because you do have feelings for her, but it's not a good idea right now.

Personally, I think you should make a move now while you're still at the top of her list in terms of guys she's interested in. If you don't, someone else will, and you may end up regretting throwing away your chance when you had it.

Edit: well if you don't like her "that way", be straightforward about it if she asks. Just make sure you know your real reasons for saying no-- is it because you don't like *her* that way, or because you don't want to be in a relationship? These are two very different things! Also, I don't think either of these really qualifies as "friendzoning" as long as you're honest about your intentions :toast:
 
Something I've noticed in my life is that during the period when I was actually looking for relationships, I never found a good one, but now that I'm done with it at the cynical age of 20 I actually have a lot more opportunities (not my thing but i have them). If relationships are important to you, I think you just need to be open minded about it, and not let any hang-ups about what stage of life you're in or whatever hold you back. Life goes by so fast, and even if it the whole thing doesn't work out at least you'll have had the experience. Like seriously, to me, it doesn't even matter how much you're infatuated by her or are 'just friends,' it's the experience and chance that are worth it.

because to be honest id have sex with a pile of manure, a soft nice smelling girl is just much better.
 
Pernicious said:
How do you overcome jealousy?
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Whoops I guess I should reply to this since it was technically directed at me. Then again, there's not a whole lot I can tell you that hasn't already been covered by other people. It's hard for me to give much advice considering I've only been in two relationships total and the first was a stupid high school one that I had less than zero interest in... but I'd say the only real way to overcome jealousy is with trust.

I don't know if I'm just not a naturally jealous person as it hasn't been an issue at all in this relationship, or it's just purely because we trust each other so much that no jealousy issues have been able to arise. Us starting off as friends (that became best friends before dating), along with the same general attitude towards sex helped a lot, of course. That being said, we're not romantically intimate with other people (that would be cheating as far as our relationship goes), so I can't give any advice there. I'm not really sure how poly people handle that sort of thing.

Also, for what it's worth, I'm a guy.
 
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