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The "friendzone" is a vague concept because of how different relationships between two people are. I think it's generally agreed upon as "I like this person and I've asked them out but they don't see me as anything more than a good friend" but there are so many other variables that come into play that I don't think it's right for either side to assume it to be the fault of the other. It sucks that the person that only wants to be friends is now short a friend but it also sucks that the other person now has to pretend that their romantic/sexual advances had never happened while possibly seeing their person of interest with a significant other. I believe that's why people cut contact after an unsuccessful attempt at asking someone out.
Another point is that I don't think it's fair to assume people in the "friendzone" only want sex(though I'm sure it has happened before!).
I think you're missing a lot of the cultural context. The phrase "friendzone" doesn't just mean "being friends with a girl and wanting to be more".
If you actually look at the types of people who complain about the "friendzone", and how they do it, it's apparent that it's really just about sexual frustration.
So what do you do when you're in the stage between friends with benefits and a relationship and the relationship really could swing either way depending on the time of the month.
To elaborate a little bit I don't really mind the situation right now I'm just not a big fan of the uncertainty that goes along with it. Inability to commit was a big tipping point in my only serious relationship in the past. That said I like where I am right now aside from that because I'm at a situation where I don't necessarily think that emotional dependency from a serious nature could necessarily be fulfilled until I figure out some other things on my end but I (and she) both enjoy the physical nature of our more casual nature.
So I guess the question at hand is how do I marry the casual nature of the relationship with my personal need for some form of commitment?
If you have "other things" to "figure out", I recommend strongly against starting a committed relationship. Chances are good it will end poorly. Figure yourself out, then start something.
Well the things left to figure out are things I thought were figured but have recently been causing doubts but are irrelevant anyway because they regard an avenue that is impossible to pursue.
Part of this particular relationship starting was to test if I had indeed figured things out at the time, and the things to figure out have not yet affected the current relationship (i think).
welp when you speak as cryptically as that i'm not sure how you can hope to receive any advice.
and, i'm not sure if dating someone should ever be a "test" to see if you've figured things out about yourself? i mean, you don't use experiences with other people just to try and "learn" things about yourself. take a step back, reevaluate whatever it is you're having doubts over, and then commit yourself to a relationship if you feel you are ready to do so. you don't jump the gun just to find out "oh, guess i wasn't ready!!"
And at the initial time I think I had convinced myself that I was indeed over a previous relationship. Recently I've been thinking about the ex with alarming frequency. In terms of figuring things out I've been reminiscing on what could have, perhaps should have, happened while also knowing that that road is closed off now. So the things to figure out are more personal reflections than emotional resolutions you could say.
And at the initial time I think I had convinced myself that I was indeed over a previous relationship. Recently I've been thinking about the ex with alarming frequency. In terms of figuring things out I've been reminiscing on what could have, perhaps should have, happened while also knowing that that road is closed off now. So the things to figure out are more personal reflections than emotional resolutions you could say.
I guessed as much from the way you were talking. If you are not truly over your previous gf, it will affect any new relationships you enter. Unless you can give the new gf your entire emotional being, you will be doing yourself a disservice and you will be putting her at risk of being hurt if you decide you haven't "figured things out". I've been there too many times, on both sides, not to counsel you strongly against this.
Do you guys believe in needing chemistry right away, or do you think it's something that needs to be developed? Lately I've had different girls interested in me, and they're physically attractive while also sharing some of my interests, but I don't do anything to pursue them. Usually when I like someone I think about them an awful lot and want to talk to them but that hasn't been the case with anyone for almost a year now. I can't tell if I'm being an idiot & not trying to develop chemistry with them or if chemistry is something that's either there or not.
Do you guys believe in needing chemistry right away, or do you think it's something that needs to be developed? Lately I've had different girls interested in me, and they're physically attractive while also sharing some of my interests, but I don't do anything to pursue them. Usually when I like someone I think about them an awful lot and want to talk to them but that hasn't been the case with anyone for almost a year now. I can't tell if I'm being an idiot & not trying to develop chemistry with them or if chemistry is something that's either there or not.
You can definitely develop it if personal experience is anything to go by but i'm hardly a relationship guru so idk if that leads to good relationships or forced ones
Do you guys believe in needing chemistry right away, or do you think it's something that needs to be developed? Lately I've had different girls interested in me, and they're physically attractive while also sharing some of my interests, but I don't do anything to pursue them. Usually when I like someone I think about them an awful lot and want to talk to them but that hasn't been the case with anyone for almost a year now. I can't tell if I'm being an idiot & not trying to develop chemistry with them or if chemistry is something that's either there or not.
this reads a BIT like someone looking for excuses not to take risks and go on dates with people, but they can't find any actual reasons not to do it
my guess? you're older now. the weird obsessive puppy love stuff that ruined high school for countless people has faded away with age, and now you need to get to know someone and do things with them until real feelings develop. in the past you could smoothly transition from puppy love to real feelings, so it felt natural, but with the first step gone you're a little lost.
at least, that's my guess. sorry if this was terrible advice, had a long day, just wanted to take a shot in the dark and see if it was right
I don't know if it's ok if I post here or not because I don't having nothing at all to contribute to the previous conversation, but I will try to give an opinion before:
About the "friendzone", it depends, there's a lot of ways to feel and have a relationship, for example, you can love your sister as a sister AND romatic, and/or sexual partner, or you can love a friend and like it in the sexual way, or love a friend as a brother or sister, too, there is a lot of ways to feel and have relationships, but like any relationship, the feel must be mutual (at least at some degree), or the relation will just not work at all.
For example, we have a pair of friend, a woman and a men, but the woman feel's sexual atraction or feel romantic intentions with the men, but the men just feel her like a friend (or even as a sister, just to say), it can work? Maybe, but people on all kinds of relationships should be sincere because people can't read your mind, and sometimes can't feel all the complex world of your feelings, if people talk about it's feelings and emotions, they can know eachother how the other feel, and then you can decide something to do:
- She can try to feel her's "friend" (potential partner for her actually) as a true friend with the time.
- They can try to out for a while and hope to a mutual romantic and stuff relationship, but without forcing nothing.
- They can try to be "friends with benefits" if both feel if that can be in that way.
The three things can happen if both give them a chance, what to choose? It depends of how, this time, the men, feels, he likes her a bit? They can try to out, if he doesn't feel her in a romantic way, the can try to being "friends with benefits", and if that doesn't work, they can be friends, not close friends, but friend. If he doesn't likes her by any way, she should try to be a true friend for him, if the true friendship arise, then she'll be happy by just he being happy and sharing events and stuff, and if nothing works, that means she never liked him in a romantical or friend way, and he never liked her on a romantic or sexual way, thus, the relationship can't work because they really not love eachother on any way.
But of course, you can play your chances, try nor not try things and stuff by telling the true, the "friendzone" effects happens when the one is feeling love/like/sexual interest on the other is not being sincere, and that persons aproach to the other "trying to win it's friendship, and thus being able to slowly win it's heart", as the other person doesn't know it's intention, then it will most probably develop a friendship interest than other thing, that's not a sincere relationship, and thus, it can be broken on any moment, or it will make one of them really sad as the relationship never developed on the way they wanted (it can be called a way of "sexual frustration", but that doesn't always happen with just sexual interest, as it can be just romantical interest). The "friendzone" effect tends to happen on too shy people that were unnable to confess it's feels before aproching to someone, or on not well-intended people that just want to force a relationship with the time, there are some exceptions, of course, like you seen on the future that you actually like your friend, but the effect will not happen unless you save that feel for yourself. At the end, it's a fault of the one was saved it's own feelings for long time; that's not a fair way to have a friendship or any kind of relationship, true be told.
Rebember, you can't win the heart of someone if you're aproaching him/her as a friend; there's some excesive rare exceptions where the other person wanted your "friendship" to aproach as a partner, too, but that's too rare. Tell the true, be sincere, confess your feelings, or not try it at all, and you'll never be "friendzoned".
Hide because it's somewhat long, and now my "story".
I'm not giving any detail, but I have an illness from birth, I have to take care of my health by differents way each day, and I will not live too much more, maybe 10 years more if I'm really lucky and if I take a wonderful care of my health, there's not actually any hope to survive anymore, so, it's just a think of a miracle, or just expect my die soon, and the most logical true is the last, because there's not even a sight of a cure, but I'm ok with that, we can't have eternal live or something like that, and some people just die young, I learned to live with that because I birth with that reality.
I'm somewhat shy, and I don't exit from my house too offen because my health, and I study on house from the 9 years for the same, thus, my social life is kinda short, as it's almost impossible to meet someone of your age outside from the school, or until I had some more of age and were able to meet people over my age (2-10+ years) that ended it's schoolar studies, I'm 19 years old, and I started to have romantic relationships at the age of 17.
But I never were too lucky with them, always my partners prefered to flee or cut relationship at the few months as they know that I have an illness, I'll need some cares of others, and I'll die somewhat young, and for me that's somewhat sad; I know, they never loved me, because someone that truly loves you never runs from you, but it's still sad that most of the people doesn't even want to try a romantic or even a friendship when they know you're ill, I always wanted to make happy other persons and express myself, but I never had the opportunity at all as most of the people seen me as a "cloud of coughs that can make you ill" (when that's not true, I can't spread nothing), and the people that realizes that I'm not a spread of ill, then feel sad for my and just want to be as far as possible to stop being sad, even if I'm really feeling happy on that moment and I tell them "don't worry!".
So, my question is, how people feel, perceive, and do when they know that a potential friend/partner have an incurable illness, is true that everyone else feel illness and do the same thing as the people I did meet in my life at the moment? I say, all the people I did meet just make me feel like a poor, and stinky Gloom that no one wants to have near because it's smell (or in my case, my illness), or, are there people like Ash and company who see more than just it and try to really being near you, despite your smell/illness? (Metaphor). Or I'm just like a wilted flower who nobody wants near and probably no ones will wants to have near at all. (Another metaphor, sorry, I'm feeling somewhat inspired, yet, somewhat sad for it).
There are a variety of people in this world, and you seem to have only experienced those that lack any semblance of commitment, or are too scared at the prospect of becoming attached.
There will be those like "Ash and company" who will look past your illness and try to grow close to you, for you seem like a very withdrawn person.
Well, you've come to terms with your illness and what it entails, so I'd say it's time to actively pursue romance, and if it doesn't work, then fine! Just try your hardest to live life as much as you can.
Nyara, what illness is this? you keep makin metaphors about you bein smelly or whatnot. does the illness also you give halitosis???
also how do i present my 7-years-older-than-me boyfriend to my mother? ive never actually even had a boyfriend before or anythin so this is like entirely new grounds to me and quite frankly i dont have the faintest clue about what to do. i was thinkin of just doin it casually and nonchalantly, really x_x ive already met his mother, father, and stepfather a million times already, but not once has he seen or talked to my mother. he actually met my father at one of the protests i attended late 2012, but he was just a "friend". although im not particularly worried about presentin him to my father really
Nyara, what illness is this? you keep makin metaphors about you bein smelly or whatnot. does the illness also you give halitosis???
also how do i present my 7-years-older-than-me boyfriend to my mother? ive never actually even had a boyfriend before or anythin so this is like entirely new grounds to me and quite frankly i dont have the faintest clue about what to do. i was thinkin of just doin it casually and nonchalantly, really x_x ive already met his mother, father, and stepfather a million times already, but not once has he seen or talked to my mother. he actually met my father at one of the protests i attended late 2012, but he was just a "friend". although im not particularly worried about presentin him to my father really
well, i'm sure your parents know you're gay, yes? if they love and respect your choices and orientation, then i'm sure you can present your boyfriend in whatever casual scenario you can imagine, like telling your mother you're going to invite him (by name) over for dinner, and then tell her what your actual relationship to him is now. these things are definitely unnerving, but i think the best thing to do is just dive in head first and be confident in yourself and your feelings, and if that aura exudes from every inch of your body, your mother can respect that, too!
maybe you could just bring it up casually and be like 'what do you think of dating significantly younger or significantly older men'. and then go from there and tell her. if she doesn't take it well just be like WELL THAT WASN'T VERY BORN THIS WAY OF YOU.
yeah im kinda hopin i do this before valentine's for my (cool-side) family's annual SV dinner thingie where usually every cousin but me takes their partner. that should be fun.
speakin of divin, we actually went snorkelin/divin last sunday
edit: although thats a really unsubtle way to dip your feet into the topic, junior. but thats probably how it'll go anyway.
maybe you could just bring it up casually and be like 'what do you think of dating significantly younger or significantly older men'. and then go from there and tell her. if she doesn't take it well just be like WELL THAT WASN'T VERY BORN THIS WAY OF YOU.
with respect to someone who is actually gay and therefore knows more about the situation than me, in my opinion, i don't suggest that you do this. just be confident about your life and your choices, don't give her an opportunity to air some (hopefully not) shitty value in front of you. you don't need to conform to her beliefs. prove that your relationship is good and her beliefs will conform to your reality.
also being like HERES MY GAY BOYFRIEND DEAL WITH IT #gaga is kind of counter to the relaxed atmosphere and acceptance of this guy you want to achieve lol
(i understand that there is a point to be made about her beliefs having to conform to his reality even if the relationship were awful because it deserves to be treated on the same moral standards as a heterosexual relationship and shouldn't have to *prove* itself to get validity. but i don't think thats relevant here.)
Just say "mind if I bring my boyfriend over for dinner to meet you+dad" and then bring him over for dinner and if they ask him how old he is tell them I don't think the age difference is actually that huge due to the fact that you are both In your twenties.
Just don't make it a big deal because if you don't then hopefully they won't (the whole situation I mean)
Also yelling gaga lyrics at ur mum doesn't seem like the best idea but idk I might be wrong
