I have no friends, other than online friends. at school, i feel shunned, invisible, forgetable, unimportant. everyone else has at least 1 friend, except for me. nobody comes up to me, wants to talk to me. the most i get is a "hi" in the middle of the hallway. i need help, and i need to talk about this, so please...
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Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread
- Thread starter Rollout Shuckle
- Start date
i just feel so lonely, and like im the only one in the world as lonely as me
you being sheltered on the Internet isn't really helping matters, you need to actually initiate stuff. Worse comes to worst you fail a few times, you're in high school you'll be fine lol.
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i have tried, believe me. and dont say i havent tried hard enough. i start up conversations all the time, most of which lead nowhere with one word answeres like "fine" and "okay"
That's what happens when you grow up with a bunch of people who also live in bubbles their whole life and never had to socialize. Regardless, It's normal to have 1-2 friends in high school real people don't have 10 million friends unlike social media pushes current era kids to believe. Those few friends will stick with you way after you graduate and if you don't have that yet keep trying and you will.
except i have 0! and also, i moed to this school this year. but it feels like you're downplaying my lonliness
i think being in a new environment you have to accept that people won't automatically want to be friends with someone they don't necessarily know--yet! i think when you focus on yourself and your interests, especially while at school, you will naturally bump elbows with people you have similar interests with because you'll wind up in the same physical spaces at school, maybe you're in the same class, etc.
i will say, i think people of all ages are becoming both more open with their own personality quirks and thereby more fixated on them as well, to their own detriment sometimes! people also don't want to be friends with someone they might perceive as "desperate" or "trying too hard" because it puts undue pressure on them to accept you... not because they are interested in you, but because they're wary of what might happen if they DON'T indulge your quirks. making friends shouldn't feel like a make-or-break your day scenario, that's far too much pressure put on both YOU and whomever you've targeted to be a potential friendo
you could have a million friends that talk to you all the time and you might still feel lonely -- it matters how and why exactly you're considering yourself to be so lonely. you're also young, so i understand that being in a new environment and not knowing anybody is totally scary--but! it's also an opportunity to be yourself without judgement. if no one knows you, no one has any pre-conceived notions or ideas about you. they can't make up who you are because they literally have no idea. maybe that can make you brave to show them who you are..
regardless, you shouldn't base your self-worth on the number of friends you have. you should want to be friends with people who like you, and you can't force people to like you, so all you can do is be open and be yourself, and slowly your friends will come to you~
but walking around thinking that finding friends is a simple math function that you don't know all the variables to yet, is foolish. imagine, and then realize that all your peers walking around are also worried about making friends, or worried about coming off as something they're not, or worried THEY will say the wrong thing to YOU when you ask them how they are. the first step in all this is immediately dismissing the idea that "no one could feel as lonely as me" because the human experience is pretty ubiquitous (it happens everywhere to everyone) when it comes to feelings of our self-esteem, and how others might perceive us! articles like this one all but prove that people are far more concerned about their own issues than thinking about other people day to day, so let that be a weight off your shoulders when you're trying to make friends, too!!!
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thank you so so so fucking much. fishy, you've done it again! you're so awesome
hey im posting a situation ive been going through to see whether or not anyone has felt the same
basically i figured out due to recent events that im an incredibly toxic person; its not really my own fault that much but its because of certain things that have happened to me in the past. but i realized its done things to be like having me constantly need validation, become easily frustrated or emotional when something happens, and im overly sensitive especially when someone hits a trauma trigger which there are many. ive realized im really emotionally damaged and insecure
i ended up hurting someone recently because i responded badly to them with a kneejerk reaction. they wanted to change things in our friendship but i took it as they really didnt like me and want to talk to me anymore and i hurt them by telling them by instantly saying we needed to cut things off, which made them feel attacked. they were one of my best friends too and we're no longer on talking terms. im hurting right now a lot because i feel like i really didnt analyze the situation that well; i just instantly reacted with cutting someone off because in my head, i hated the idea that someone might be displeased with me and that caused me to behave irrationally. this is not ok, i shouldnt do this for obvious reasons and i want to be able to think rationally.
i really think i should stop having really deep connections to people because i feel like i will come off the wrong way and hurt them. i dont want someone to feel like im their friend and then if they set me off im suddenly cold and distant to them. i want to stop having really deep friendships with people so i dont damage them once i put so much effort into it and take relationships lightly so i wont overreact. the effect of trauma is really scary because it affects the way a person thinks and even now i have no clue whether im thinking rationally. i thought i was healing nicely a few months ago but from what happened recently i cant really say so anymore. i dont really know if i should distance myself from people so i dont hurt them or if i should get closer to more people so i can heal.
people always tell me im nice, that im genuine and that i have a good heart but theres a side that doesnt really come up as much from me where i have a lot of bad traits due to what happened to me in the past. in reality i can be really insecure, toxic, irrational, impulsive, and depressed because of how emotionally damaged i am and that leads me to unintentionally hurt people even who are close to me. i dont want to be two sided where its like, "dont get on my bad side and you're all good", i just want to be someone who helps other people and knows how to handle situations with good judgement. i feel like i have good judgement when im thinking rationally; it's just i dont think rationally a good portion of the time because there are a lot of things that bring out the bad side of me.
i think im going to talk to the friend and tell them that i dont want to hurt them anymore because they have been through a lot as well. i want to get better for the people around me, so i want to improve as a person and have good character; maybe through therapy. but for now, it feels like a pressing weight on my shoulders and i havent been able to function for the past few days because of it. im just really sad rn and id like advice if possible on this
basically i figured out due to recent events that im an incredibly toxic person; its not really my own fault that much but its because of certain things that have happened to me in the past. but i realized its done things to be like having me constantly need validation, become easily frustrated or emotional when something happens, and im overly sensitive especially when someone hits a trauma trigger which there are many. ive realized im really emotionally damaged and insecure
i ended up hurting someone recently because i responded badly to them with a kneejerk reaction. they wanted to change things in our friendship but i took it as they really didnt like me and want to talk to me anymore and i hurt them by telling them by instantly saying we needed to cut things off, which made them feel attacked. they were one of my best friends too and we're no longer on talking terms. im hurting right now a lot because i feel like i really didnt analyze the situation that well; i just instantly reacted with cutting someone off because in my head, i hated the idea that someone might be displeased with me and that caused me to behave irrationally. this is not ok, i shouldnt do this for obvious reasons and i want to be able to think rationally.
i really think i should stop having really deep connections to people because i feel like i will come off the wrong way and hurt them. i dont want someone to feel like im their friend and then if they set me off im suddenly cold and distant to them. i want to stop having really deep friendships with people so i dont damage them once i put so much effort into it and take relationships lightly so i wont overreact. the effect of trauma is really scary because it affects the way a person thinks and even now i have no clue whether im thinking rationally. i thought i was healing nicely a few months ago but from what happened recently i cant really say so anymore. i dont really know if i should distance myself from people so i dont hurt them or if i should get closer to more people so i can heal.
people always tell me im nice, that im genuine and that i have a good heart but theres a side that doesnt really come up as much from me where i have a lot of bad traits due to what happened to me in the past. in reality i can be really insecure, toxic, irrational, impulsive, and depressed because of how emotionally damaged i am and that leads me to unintentionally hurt people even who are close to me. i dont want to be two sided where its like, "dont get on my bad side and you're all good", i just want to be someone who helps other people and knows how to handle situations with good judgement. i feel like i have good judgement when im thinking rationally; it's just i dont think rationally a good portion of the time because there are a lot of things that bring out the bad side of me.
i think im going to talk to the friend and tell them that i dont want to hurt them anymore because they have been through a lot as well. i want to get better for the people around me, so i want to improve as a person and have good character; maybe through therapy. but for now, it feels like a pressing weight on my shoulders and i havent been able to function for the past few days because of it. im just really sad rn and id like advice if possible on this
Take a break from the Internet or any (easy) social interaction and look inward. It seems like you have trouble controlling your negative impulses and being in an environment where you can spout off whatever you want whenever you want doesn't help. Whatever emotional damage you got sucks but at the end of the day it cannot be used as a scapegoat to make bad decisions if you care about improving. Find out what triggers those negative behaviors, avoid those circumstances and every time you are extremely angry (whether it be irl or in the Internet) excuse yourself and find a place where you are alone until you are able to realize why you are angry and calm down.
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yesterday i had a biiiiiig bout of doubt over whether or not i want children, because i am convinced that whatever i feel i haven't accomplished yet, it will pretty much be impossible to do so if i have a baby to tend to
i know personal life success and child rearing aren't mutually exclusive, but weirdly i fear that if i became a mother then that would consume me and become my "main job" even though i wouldn't lose any of the interests i had prior
i keep telling myself that fiercely loving my child wouldn't be a detriment, so then i wonder if this anxiety is just another elaborate example of like, cherophobia (fear of happiness) or it's just the age-old plague thoughts of self-doubt and ADHD perfectionism, meaning anything worth doing isn't actually worth doing if you can't do it perfectly (a dumb philosophy i do my best to stray away from)
apart from all that i am also already in my 30s and women can't exactly just have children whenever they want, so the idea that i'm also in that window of like, me against the biological clock is annoying. i don't want to have a baby just because i won't be able to after a certain point and i still haven't made up my mind!!!!
at the end of the day it's wonderful having a supportive partner, as neither of us really considered reproducing until we had met one another and became SO obsessed to the point of wanting to create little combo versions of us.... so i know whatever happens, i'll be supported and i WILL be happy, even if that happiness appears scary at first~~~~
i know personal life success and child rearing aren't mutually exclusive, but weirdly i fear that if i became a mother then that would consume me and become my "main job" even though i wouldn't lose any of the interests i had prior
i keep telling myself that fiercely loving my child wouldn't be a detriment, so then i wonder if this anxiety is just another elaborate example of like, cherophobia (fear of happiness) or it's just the age-old plague thoughts of self-doubt and ADHD perfectionism, meaning anything worth doing isn't actually worth doing if you can't do it perfectly (a dumb philosophy i do my best to stray away from)
apart from all that i am also already in my 30s and women can't exactly just have children whenever they want, so the idea that i'm also in that window of like, me against the biological clock is annoying. i don't want to have a baby just because i won't be able to after a certain point and i still haven't made up my mind!!!!
at the end of the day it's wonderful having a supportive partner, as neither of us really considered reproducing until we had met one another and became SO obsessed to the point of wanting to create little combo versions of us.... so i know whatever happens, i'll be supported and i WILL be happy, even if that happiness appears scary at first~~~~
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does you rather have baby boy or girl.
hello, I felt I had to say something because I am also in my 30s and I has a kid. I won't go into over sharing unless you'd like me to :p (I had my son when I was 24). feel free to DM me or reply here .. or whatnot n.n
biologically speaking, I have many, _many_ years before I cannot father children. But it's not just about whether you can physically conceive a child, but being:
1. financially stable
2. mentally stable
3. physically healthy
for the 20-25 years AFTER the baby is born. Number 1 is probably not gonna get worse for most people, as with age, you build wealth and a career etc. But number 3 means that, while biology allows me to have a kid at 60 (granted, it might take a few more tries than at 20), it would be incredibly immoral to do so given that the odds of me dying during the kid's formative years are quite higher. And even if I survived, I'd still be so old and slow and cranky and physically/mentally unable to deal with the demands of fatherhood.
So in reality for a man acting _ethically_, the window might be wider than it is for a woman, but the difference isn't as big as people think. People are so obsessed with how long they _can_ have kids, and forget about how long they _should_.
I currently harbour no plans to have children. But at 32, I am aware that I don't have a lot of time left to change my mind, based on my ethics.
1. financially stable
2. mentally stable
3. physically healthy
for the 20-25 years AFTER the baby is born. Number 1 is probably not gonna get worse for most people, as with age, you build wealth and a career etc. But number 3 means that, while biology allows me to have a kid at 60 (granted, it might take a few more tries than at 20), it would be incredibly immoral to do so given that the odds of me dying during the kid's formative years are quite higher. And even if I survived, I'd still be so old and slow and cranky and physically/mentally unable to deal with the demands of fatherhood.
So in reality for a man acting _ethically_, the window might be wider than it is for a woman, but the difference isn't as big as people think. People are so obsessed with how long they _can_ have kids, and forget about how long they _should_.
I currently harbour no plans to have children. But at 32, I am aware that I don't have a lot of time left to change my mind, based on my ethics.
haaaaaaa when i was young i wanted 2 boys and 2 girls so everyone would have a brother and a sister
i've had a fantasy where i keep the red headed gene alive and i mate with someone who also has the recessive trait and then i somehow statistically give birth to red headed twin girls, BUT
my partner is italian and i love him so much that i want a little version of him, yet i've still never been intoxicated by the idea of like, reproducing MY genes as i don't have an ego about my "bloodline" being superior to the next person's and therefore it's important that it continues, etc
tbh now that rihanna is pregnant i feel way braver about the whole process, but unlike rihanna i don't have my shit together so !!!!
my main thing is that if i have a girl her name will be "paulette" to honor my late grandma as she was my favorite human being in existence when i was young and formative, plus it's one of those "old gen" names that i am also fond of because they seem like an era of names dying out. certainly never going to have a daughter named "McKeighluh", for instance
We live in times where it is in no means necessary to have a child. I mean there is no obligation to society.
As a human you can stronger focus on what makes you happy. Wether this is carreer, hobbys, travelling...
As a human you can stronger focus on what makes you happy. Wether this is carreer, hobbys, travelling...
i have days you cant draw more than at best a "ha, yes please stop talking to me" smile
while other days ill be the goofiest guy in the room.
just my natural persona and i understand some dont know how to read but it can be tiring when ppl wanna be silly with me when i wanna be left to me.
while other days ill be the goofiest guy in the room.
just my natural persona and i understand some dont know how to read but it can be tiring when ppl wanna be silly with me when i wanna be left to me.
I dunno. In a purely biological sense, the purpose of all life is reproduction and passing on your genes; some part of me feels like failing to do that means failing as a person, even if the rest of me knows better.
It says I've posted in this thread before, but I don't recall doing so, and I've been looking for the better part of the past 5-10 minutes straight for where my last message would be and I still can't find it. Not to worry, because this new post is about something entirely different anyways.
Let me take you back to the summer of 2018. Things were great for me at the time. I was still really interested in other things, and I was done with a year of high school that was rather stressful at times. It was also the year my older brother graduated from that same high school, and following our older sister's success, I had reason to be happy for him as well. Unfortunately, this was the last time I can remember when I used to be my old, cheery self. Every summer break since then has been very stressful for different reasons, and I mention this because my current summer break just started within the past 24 hours. Basically, I've got myself into a situation where I've primed myself to believe this next three months will be a very stressful time despite having no real reason to believe that. The month of June of 2021, I might add, was probably the single hardest month of my life up to this point, and the one positive thing I can say about that is that after a month like that, I've had nowhere to go but up.
Let me take you back to the summer of 2018. Things were great for me at the time. I was still really interested in other things, and I was done with a year of high school that was rather stressful at times. It was also the year my older brother graduated from that same high school, and following our older sister's success, I had reason to be happy for him as well. Unfortunately, this was the last time I can remember when I used to be my old, cheery self. Every summer break since then has been very stressful for different reasons, and I mention this because my current summer break just started within the past 24 hours. Basically, I've got myself into a situation where I've primed myself to believe this next three months will be a very stressful time despite having no real reason to believe that. The month of June of 2021, I might add, was probably the single hardest month of my life up to this point, and the one positive thing I can say about that is that after a month like that, I've had nowhere to go but up.
considering all the weed i haven't been smoking as much of lately, my mind has started to unravel and process many of the things that i might otherwise ignore or try to put behind me because they don't serve me:
the fact that i had to cut off my relationship with my dad, most likely indefinitely
traumas i lived through from my previous relationship
connecting dots and noticing patterns from my youth that affect me today, good and bad
i was musing to my partner today about how whenever i want to get high it isn't to lose focus, but really to be able to SELECT a focus from the endless possibilities of a waking existence. i realize that pattern recognition is something that i love and am given to fixate on at any moment, rhythms of the world, bouncing a leg at a pace that feels best, twiddling hair the same way... i dunno. i get high so that i can enjoy all these perceptions rather than be stressed out trying to process them all at once, or stressed attempting to select one to focus on based on merit, rather than based on good feels
so in the wake of wanting to lower my tolerance a bit and refresh my enjoyment of being stoned, i've been doing it significantly less, and my mind has been left to drudge up a bunch of stuff i've otherwise subdued... a little depressing, but i realize part of processing drudged up stuff is healthy grief, so i am bummed out realizing past traumas and linking them to past and current events, but also comforting myself knowing they're well behind me
the fact that i had to cut off my relationship with my dad, most likely indefinitely
traumas i lived through from my previous relationship
connecting dots and noticing patterns from my youth that affect me today, good and bad
i was musing to my partner today about how whenever i want to get high it isn't to lose focus, but really to be able to SELECT a focus from the endless possibilities of a waking existence. i realize that pattern recognition is something that i love and am given to fixate on at any moment, rhythms of the world, bouncing a leg at a pace that feels best, twiddling hair the same way... i dunno. i get high so that i can enjoy all these perceptions rather than be stressed out trying to process them all at once, or stressed attempting to select one to focus on based on merit, rather than based on good feels
so in the wake of wanting to lower my tolerance a bit and refresh my enjoyment of being stoned, i've been doing it significantly less, and my mind has been left to drudge up a bunch of stuff i've otherwise subdued... a little depressing, but i realize part of processing drudged up stuff is healthy grief, so i am bummed out realizing past traumas and linking them to past and current events, but also comforting myself knowing they're well behind me
Honestly I'm rly bad at giving advices n I actually don't fully find comfortable doing so most of the time, but honestly I find really identified w ur situation, as even tho I'm actually admittedly not a bad student (I honestly feel like I'm bad at everything else tho), I definitely don't learn and I honestly feel like nobody cares.
So honestly I'm not here to say "dw every1 is different" or "you're not just a grade, dw" because it'd be clearly dismissing your situation, but one thing u could do is try to find something u like, it doesn't have to be something ur rly good at, just something u enjoy n that also makes u feel good, it probably doesn't help short-term, but it's eventually helpful when u find what u enjoy doing and that can even help w grades and stuff (school system ain't good rly so I can't assure tho, but what I can assure is that you'll feel much better).
I also kinda get when u say that ur tired of labels, they can be really annoying, but remember, they're just here to tear u down, they don't do anything n they also shouldn't exist, you're a worth person (this is cliche, I know) not matter ur race or ur grades, just remember that ur not here to measure other ppl expectations, ur here to measure ur own expectations, and who knows, maybe what u expect is not what society actually expects u to do well enough.
Stay safe! Also I know I shouldn't be writing at 12am but it 100% was worth it (also toxic positivism is rly ass, I know, as I have to deal w it every day).
I’m back, everyone. Consider this next post as a bit of a follow-up to my last.
For years I’ve believed that there exists some sort of way to keep track of how we feel about doing things for ourselves and others relative to the other people around us. I find that several of the world’s most pressing mental wellness issues come up when we start to compare ourselves to others, an all-too-easy trap to fall into. On the other hand, what I haven’t found is why I still feel so guilty for every little thing I do or think these days. Despite my last message and a few others on other threads, it’s only continued to get worse. I’ve started to use the term “guilt complex” to describe how I feel about life, but it doesn’t seem like anyone in my in-person life is getting the picture.
Maybe it’s the fact that I’m growing up and I’m a lazy, horrible person who doesn’t want to work but know that it needs done. In cases like that, I’m perfectly fine with working, but I never feel any satisfaction from completing a given task because five more tasks come immediately after it. Maybe it’s the fact that whenever I have tried to talk to my family about this, it doesn’t result in anything worthwhile because they un-intentionally remind me that my best talent in this world is that of giving up early. Even after simple, mundane tasks like helping around my grandparents’ house this weekend (great people, they are) have a way of making me feel like this. Why I’m even talking about this online with a bunch of strangers when I’m currently in a terrible mood… I have no idea.
The pain in my vein is hereditary
Dynasty
Running in my bloodstream, my bloodstream
Dynasty
And if that's all that I'm gonna be
Won't you break the chain with me?
I'm a bad writer, but I had some things I needed to get off my chest.
I almost didn't post this but my friends said I should.
Lately, I've been reflecting on my personal intergenerational traumas. I'm not proud to admit it, but this is a result of many long nights and devoted listens to Kendrick Lamar's Mr. Morale and the Big Steppers. Say what you want about the album, but I think anyone will admit that the work's raw emotionality and candor forces the listener to engage not only with the person Kendrick is, but also how they relate or not relate to the situations and scenarios that brought him to be the person he is today. I know I did.
My family is from Vietnam. Specifically, they immigrated to the United States after the Fall of Saigon. I don't know the full story, only the bits and pieces gleaned after a full childhood's worth of exasperated comments on my relative privilege in my upbringing compared to my mother and her sisters, and I don't really feel right to try and dig up their pain and agony for my own personal gain, but I think I have enough to come to some conclusions. I know they moved around a lot, I know they were poor, I know that they themselves had a lot of internal strife. My mother during my later formative years often used her anecdote of moving out at sixteen due to her own issues with my grandmother as some kind of example of an ability to achieve economic independence at an early age, but considering what I know about the shifting nature of the economy since the late 1980s and how unlikely those sorts of successes are in general, it never really came off that way. But I digress, it's come to me recently that being poor and escaping war in that fashion leaves lasting imprints on how you perceive the world around you. It prioritizes survival and navigation of the decidedly foreign new world over everything else, reinforcing ideas of tight familial units and cohorts, rigid in their structure and hierarchy, without much regard for the feelings of those raised within those environments. Eastern culture is already highly stratified in its domestic arrangements, always placing seniority over equality, and it seems to me that the mental damage and stress of the ordeal of surviving your country getting bombed into the Stone Age, finding your way out of a repressive regime, and the ensuing struggle for economic stability in the new environment only served to amplify and exacerbate the unhealthy aspects of such settings.
Contrast this with my Western style of thinking: Generally, in The West, arguments are won and lost based on the merits and contents of the logic involved, everyone has the same or at least similar value in their worthiness of being heard regardless of their economic contribution to the household, and righteousness is given precedent over peace. I've been subsumed by these values, and I hold them close to my heart because they're all I've ever really known. This is a stark difference with what those raising me believed in, as mentioned previously. This civilizational / cultural contrast caused a lot of bickering and disagreement as I grew up and started trying to figure out the world for myself. They never understood why I railed and protested so fiercely against their attempts to rein me in, to bring me in harmony with what they thought to be the ideal form of residential order. They never really understood why I liked to do things in solitude. They never understood the problem I had with how oppressive it felt at times to be at home or why I reacted so intensely when condescended to. They never understood my limitations emotionally or physically. I think deep down they felt as if I could do anything, that I was a wunderkind, a prodigy within their ranks, and wanted to nurture that potential in the only way they knew how. They only expressed this through backhanded praise during long lectures though, making me suspicious of positive reinforcement in general, which will come up later. Because of this lack of shared understanding, communication was fraught and rarely had, and only happened when it was too late: when emotions boiled over and the unsaid was made audible, where mutually assured destruction was the only possible result. I never really felt loved, either, because of how wide the divide really was between us, despite the fact that at some level I know they were trying their best to express it in the day to day.
My eventual and almost inevitable suicide attempt to come didn't change matters much either.
All of this has stunted and frustrated and confounded my attempts to build meaningful relationships in general. The lack of comfort I felt at home has caused me to engage in the most futile of follies, trying to find a love of self through the love of others. Not only are humans fickle beings, but any endeavors at trying to build me up from those I hold dear were met with deaf ears, I couldn't see or feel or sense any of the good in me that they could so easily and readily find apparent. It is a matter of great serendipity for me that they still have the patience to continually try anyway, despite my repeated insistences to the contrary. When faced with potential for a new friendship, I attach too quickly and too recklessly, stepping over implicit boundaries seemingly obvious to others without much care, because I was and maybe still am that desperate to find someone else to connect to because I've never had that feeling of safety in my relationships for long, which is a sort of self fulfilling prophecy, evidently enough. I'm honest to a fault to everyone who's willing to listen because that's how I was raised, and I never really experienced anything different growing up. I have trouble with tact and diplomatic language, because that's the only way I learned how to express myself to others, growing up in a home reminiscent of a pressure cooker. Now, this isn't the whole truth. Some of the roots underlying my many mistakes have been indeed because of how I was brought up into the world, and some of it was youth. However, there have been points where I should've just known better.
To those I've hurt, made uncomfortable, drove off, etcetera:
I'm sorry, I know I've fucked up.
I'm doing my best to work on it (I've gone to a lot of therapy, I'm actively taking psychiatric medications, and I've even moved out of the toxic home situation at great risk to myself)
I hope you can find it within yourselves to forgive me, or at least sympathize with where I'm at and where I've been.
Anyways, as I sit here, homeless, pondering and writing out the driving factors behind my many mental health and relational battles, broader questions are seeping into my consciousness.
Am I doomed to suffer?
With the the impending anthropological ecological collapse all but certain, Capitalism forever shrinking the amount of those with any form of marginal wealth and therefore power and individual freedom to pursue happiness, and my own recurring mental health struggles in mind, it all seems to be getting worse if not yearly than daily. My life has been a string of unfortunate dice rolls and planets out of alignment, and occasionally it feels as if it's a never ending string of tough luck, fallacious as I know that type of thinking to be.
Am I bound to implode under the weight of this suffering, even if it's not fully insurmountable?
I've teetered on the edge of mental soundness for as long as I can remember, forever dancing just out of the clutches of the black maw of my own self destructive tendencies. I wonder quite often if there's going to a day where it's all too much, where the fighting spirit totally drains from my body, when I finally capitulate to my worst temptations and send myself to the next life. I've already seen omens of this very possibility come to be; When when i was younger, I used to have this boundless passion; this sort of unflappable belief in myself and the ability of the world to bend my way. I previously was so certain in everything I stood for, flawed as those things were. Nowadays, I'm filled with much ennui. I'm weary and beaten down. I'm tired from feeling like a fuckup all the time. I suppose I am also calmer, but that comes at the cost of feeling less alive and less like a person. Somewhere in the crucible of adolescence and abuse and anxiety, I lost a lot of ability to genuinely feel hope in this cold void, and it weighs on me frequently.
Sometimes, it feels as if I don't have any more to give, any more strength to continue, and yet I always manage to find a way to keep going, somehow.
Something else that distresses me is that i the answers to the above questions are both in the negatory, how do I even begin to transcend my suffering?
I don't know, but maybe an answer will present itself in due time, and all I have to be is patient.
I don't know if that's likely though.
The not knowing is killer.
At present, I'm so full of ambiguity and uncertainty about anything I'm going through that I struggle to find any sense of happiness or groundedness in this world.
The feeling is like a boa constrictor in the shape of an ouroboros, forever eating its own tail and tightening the noose around my neck, cutting off the air supply to other thoughts that would keep me sane and coherent.
Perhaps, it's what I deserve.
Perhaps, it's all for the best.
Perhaps, I will struggle with the idea of "perhaps" until the very last of my mortal days, whether that comes sooner or later.
Or perhaps I won't.
I won't pretend to be even close to intelligent or worldly enough to have a succinct and satisfying solution, but I guess that's okay.
if there's anything i've learned in my short time on earth, it's that it's okay to not know. it's okay to not understand the circumstances around you and where they will lead you, just as everyone else doesn't understand the reasons behind the cosmic mise-en-scène that has placed any of us in our current positions in life's grand stage play.
it's part of being human.
and there's really something truly connecting;
something truly hopeful about that, isn't there?
My family is from Vietnam. Specifically, they immigrated to the United States after the Fall of Saigon. I don't know the full story, only the bits and pieces gleaned after a full childhood's worth of exasperated comments on my relative privilege in my upbringing compared to my mother and her sisters, and I don't really feel right to try and dig up their pain and agony for my own personal gain, but I think I have enough to come to some conclusions. I know they moved around a lot, I know they were poor, I know that they themselves had a lot of internal strife. My mother during my later formative years often used her anecdote of moving out at sixteen due to her own issues with my grandmother as some kind of example of an ability to achieve economic independence at an early age, but considering what I know about the shifting nature of the economy since the late 1980s and how unlikely those sorts of successes are in general, it never really came off that way. But I digress, it's come to me recently that being poor and escaping war in that fashion leaves lasting imprints on how you perceive the world around you. It prioritizes survival and navigation of the decidedly foreign new world over everything else, reinforcing ideas of tight familial units and cohorts, rigid in their structure and hierarchy, without much regard for the feelings of those raised within those environments. Eastern culture is already highly stratified in its domestic arrangements, always placing seniority over equality, and it seems to me that the mental damage and stress of the ordeal of surviving your country getting bombed into the Stone Age, finding your way out of a repressive regime, and the ensuing struggle for economic stability in the new environment only served to amplify and exacerbate the unhealthy aspects of such settings.
Contrast this with my Western style of thinking: Generally, in The West, arguments are won and lost based on the merits and contents of the logic involved, everyone has the same or at least similar value in their worthiness of being heard regardless of their economic contribution to the household, and righteousness is given precedent over peace. I've been subsumed by these values, and I hold them close to my heart because they're all I've ever really known. This is a stark difference with what those raising me believed in, as mentioned previously. This civilizational / cultural contrast caused a lot of bickering and disagreement as I grew up and started trying to figure out the world for myself. They never understood why I railed and protested so fiercely against their attempts to rein me in, to bring me in harmony with what they thought to be the ideal form of residential order. They never really understood why I liked to do things in solitude. They never understood the problem I had with how oppressive it felt at times to be at home or why I reacted so intensely when condescended to. They never understood my limitations emotionally or physically. I think deep down they felt as if I could do anything, that I was a wunderkind, a prodigy within their ranks, and wanted to nurture that potential in the only way they knew how. They only expressed this through backhanded praise during long lectures though, making me suspicious of positive reinforcement in general, which will come up later. Because of this lack of shared understanding, communication was fraught and rarely had, and only happened when it was too late: when emotions boiled over and the unsaid was made audible, where mutually assured destruction was the only possible result. I never really felt loved, either, because of how wide the divide really was between us, despite the fact that at some level I know they were trying their best to express it in the day to day.
My eventual and almost inevitable suicide attempt to come didn't change matters much either.
All of this has stunted and frustrated and confounded my attempts to build meaningful relationships in general. The lack of comfort I felt at home has caused me to engage in the most futile of follies, trying to find a love of self through the love of others. Not only are humans fickle beings, but any endeavors at trying to build me up from those I hold dear were met with deaf ears, I couldn't see or feel or sense any of the good in me that they could so easily and readily find apparent. It is a matter of great serendipity for me that they still have the patience to continually try anyway, despite my repeated insistences to the contrary. When faced with potential for a new friendship, I attach too quickly and too recklessly, stepping over implicit boundaries seemingly obvious to others without much care, because I was and maybe still am that desperate to find someone else to connect to because I've never had that feeling of safety in my relationships for long, which is a sort of self fulfilling prophecy, evidently enough. I'm honest to a fault to everyone who's willing to listen because that's how I was raised, and I never really experienced anything different growing up. I have trouble with tact and diplomatic language, because that's the only way I learned how to express myself to others, growing up in a home reminiscent of a pressure cooker. Now, this isn't the whole truth. Some of the roots underlying my many mistakes have been indeed because of how I was brought up into the world, and some of it was youth. However, there have been points where I should've just known better.
To those I've hurt, made uncomfortable, drove off, etcetera:
I'm sorry, I know I've fucked up.
I'm doing my best to work on it (I've gone to a lot of therapy, I'm actively taking psychiatric medications, and I've even moved out of the toxic home situation at great risk to myself)
I hope you can find it within yourselves to forgive me, or at least sympathize with where I'm at and where I've been.
Anyways, as I sit here, homeless, pondering and writing out the driving factors behind my many mental health and relational battles, broader questions are seeping into my consciousness.
Am I doomed to suffer?
With the the impending anthropological ecological collapse all but certain, Capitalism forever shrinking the amount of those with any form of marginal wealth and therefore power and individual freedom to pursue happiness, and my own recurring mental health struggles in mind, it all seems to be getting worse if not yearly than daily. My life has been a string of unfortunate dice rolls and planets out of alignment, and occasionally it feels as if it's a never ending string of tough luck, fallacious as I know that type of thinking to be.
Am I bound to implode under the weight of this suffering, even if it's not fully insurmountable?
I've teetered on the edge of mental soundness for as long as I can remember, forever dancing just out of the clutches of the black maw of my own self destructive tendencies. I wonder quite often if there's going to a day where it's all too much, where the fighting spirit totally drains from my body, when I finally capitulate to my worst temptations and send myself to the next life. I've already seen omens of this very possibility come to be; When when i was younger, I used to have this boundless passion; this sort of unflappable belief in myself and the ability of the world to bend my way. I previously was so certain in everything I stood for, flawed as those things were. Nowadays, I'm filled with much ennui. I'm weary and beaten down. I'm tired from feeling like a fuckup all the time. I suppose I am also calmer, but that comes at the cost of feeling less alive and less like a person. Somewhere in the crucible of adolescence and abuse and anxiety, I lost a lot of ability to genuinely feel hope in this cold void, and it weighs on me frequently.
Sometimes, it feels as if I don't have any more to give, any more strength to continue, and yet I always manage to find a way to keep going, somehow.
Something else that distresses me is that i the answers to the above questions are both in the negatory, how do I even begin to transcend my suffering?
I don't know, but maybe an answer will present itself in due time, and all I have to be is patient.
I don't know if that's likely though.
The not knowing is killer.
At present, I'm so full of ambiguity and uncertainty about anything I'm going through that I struggle to find any sense of happiness or groundedness in this world.
The feeling is like a boa constrictor in the shape of an ouroboros, forever eating its own tail and tightening the noose around my neck, cutting off the air supply to other thoughts that would keep me sane and coherent.
Perhaps, it's what I deserve.
Perhaps, it's all for the best.
Perhaps, I will struggle with the idea of "perhaps" until the very last of my mortal days, whether that comes sooner or later.
Or perhaps I won't.
I won't pretend to be even close to intelligent or worldly enough to have a succinct and satisfying solution, but I guess that's okay.
if there's anything i've learned in my short time on earth, it's that it's okay to not know. it's okay to not understand the circumstances around you and where they will lead you, just as everyone else doesn't understand the reasons behind the cosmic mise-en-scène that has placed any of us in our current positions in life's grand stage play.
it's part of being human.
and there's really something truly connecting;
something truly hopeful about that, isn't there?
i'm sanguine#3517 on discord if anybody wants to chat.
I just keep writting it on my arm with pretty pens. Take care of yourself.
I think I’ve hit rock bottom. I’ve ruined my relationship and it feels like I’ve ruined my life. I let my depression take hold and change who I am as a person. I feel like giving up. I don’t want to die, I just want to disappear. I feel too awful to live in a world where I have to deal with what I’ve done.
And just for some context I didn’t do anything explicitly wrong. I was just a bad boyfriend because I got so depressed I stopped putting in effort and said things I regret. I struggled with addiction as wells Like I said I just feel like disappearing, you know?
I want to improve, I do. But I just feel so low all I want to do is nothing at all. I can’t describe what I’m feeling but it’s almost the worst feeling I’ve ever had. Just didn’t know who to say this to. I hope I wake up tomorrow and feel better. I hope I wake up and everything is okay. But it won’t be.
I don’t know how to move forward, I just hope there is a way. But more importantly, I hope I have the strength to find it.
And just for some context I didn’t do anything explicitly wrong. I was just a bad boyfriend because I got so depressed I stopped putting in effort and said things I regret. I struggled with addiction as wells Like I said I just feel like disappearing, you know?
I want to improve, I do. But I just feel so low all I want to do is nothing at all. I can’t describe what I’m feeling but it’s almost the worst feeling I’ve ever had. Just didn’t know who to say this to. I hope I wake up tomorrow and feel better. I hope I wake up and everything is okay. But it won’t be.
I don’t know how to move forward, I just hope there is a way. But more importantly, I hope I have the strength to find it.