hi, uh, if you know me you may be rather surprised to see me post in this thread, but i kind of just want to talk and not force anyone to listen – i hope that makes sense lol. i am going to preface this by saying i do not think i'm clinically depressed, but the last few days have been the hardest i've ever been through.
at the beginning of the year i made a drastic change in my life – i decided to drop out of school (college) and work full time while i pursued music. i moved back in w/ my parents and began to save. about a month after i had moved back home, i had the opportunity to be in a jubilee (youtube channel) video about being mixed race. it was an overwhelmingly positive experience and great exposure, but on top of that, it connected me with the most important person that has ever come into my life.
a couple days after the video came out, i was randomly on my instagram looking through the new people that were following me. one of the names/profile pictures immediately caught my eye; they were both astonishingly pretty. i quickly stalked her page and decided to send her a corny witty dm based on her bio. she responded almost immediately and we hit it off. to give some context, this is right around when quarantine began, so no one was really doing anything other than sitting inside. nonetheless, we were facetiming and watching sex education on netflix party together a few hours later. i found out that night that she lived only about 40 minutes to an hour away, so that just made everything feel even more crazy – like meant to be type shit. the week went on and we were still going strong. we liked a lot of the same artists and shows, and we had similar life goals and everything. every time we'd talk her smile would just make me happy man – she gave me a really indescribable feeling. later on in the week she went on to tell me that one of her close friends had recently passed, and that she was getting over a percocet addiction. ik, ik... one possible red flag and one major one – i noted them, dw. i moved forward with talking to her, albeit much more cautiously, but nothing changed; she still gave me that same feeling and she seemed happy and stable.
fast forward about a month of nonstop talking and we both broke quarantine to see each other. i don't know what bs excuse i told my parents to get out of the house, but i met her after she got off work and we hung out in her car for an hour (very romantic ik). our chemistry in person was exactly the same, and i couldn't have been more happy. i had been wanting something serious, relationship wise, for some time, so this was all very uplifting and exciting. as time passed, we were both introduced to each other's family and everything was great.
i'd say we're about two to two and a half months in to our relationship at this point, and she's starting to have these waves of sadness come and go but nothing too crazy. i think most people can relate, but most people aren't also getting over a perc addiction and the loss of a close friend either. after a couple days of limited communication, she called me and told me that she relapsed. i knew what i was signing up for when i didn't bolt at the first mention of "perc addiction," but it definitely affected me. we had a long and serious talk about what had happened and how we wanted to move forward. this was also right around the time where we officially decided we were "boyfriend and girlfriend," so this was like our first big discussion as a team. i left it feeling reassured that she was really going to take the steps to get better and feeling like she trusts me enough to tell me anything, and she left it understanding that i would always be there to love and support her, as long as she put in the effort to get better.
fast forward a month and a bit more and - everything was still great. i woke up every day excited to see her in person or talk to her on the phone, and she seemed happy as well. we were hanging out 3-4 times a week, and it was everything i'd ever wanted in a relationship. one day though, while at work (zoom), i got a call from her mom. i picked up immediately. her mom told me that she's taking her phone for a bit and that she's okay, but that she almost overdosed on xanax. we later found out she didn't intentionally try to od and that the xanax was laced with fentanyl. still, not a great sign that she took it. more than anything, i was worried. once she got her phone back we had another big talk, but after finding out she was completely okay, i was much less forgiving/understanding this time. i wanted her to know that i'd be there for her through anything, but i couldn't do that if she refused to help herself. she explained to me that the xanax was strictly to help her sleep (the intended use for the drug) and she had been dealing with some insomnia the past couple months, so once again we moved past it. with how im typing this out it might sound like i didn't think it was a huge deal, but this one was much closer to a fight than a talk; i was very upset. but once again, i just had this feeling that this person was supposed to be in my life. we got through it.
fast forward (for the last time lol) another 2-3 months to this past thursday. everything had been great, like everything i want in a relationship great. her mental health was a lot better, and she was now supporting me through some family drama. we still made each other laugh, we still loved watching the same shows and now the same youtubers, and we just had an overwhelming amount of love for each other. on thursday night i took her out to dinner at my favorite restaurant for her birthday; it was perfect. we talked about what we wanted our future to look like and even talked about her addiction. she had been so good and even at that dinner told me "you don't ever have to worry about me getting back to that point, because i'm doing it (getting better) for me now," and i believed her. having someone who is an addict say that to you while coming across genuine and honest doesn't happen very often; again, it felt like meant to be type shit. we left dinner and had a great rest of the night; she drove home, and i drove home. i texted her when i got home, and she texted me. we talked more about the future; we told each other how much we love each other, and then we went to sleep.
i woke up friday morning to a good morning text from her. i responded and then got ready for work (zoom again). she responded maybe once more, and i replied, but that's the last text i would ever receive from her.
i got a call from her mom about an hour later – deja vu. her mom and dad are both on the phone and they tell me that they're on their way to the emergency room. the girl that just told me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me the night before, and i one thousand percent reciprocated the sentiment, went into cardiac arrest in her room. her 14 year old brother, who's autistic, found her and began giving her cpr while her even younger sister called 911. the paramedics were able to get a pulse, but a good deal of time had passed.
throughout the entire weekend, i've just been a wreck. it's been hard for me to do anything pretty much (and this definitely hasn't been aided by not being able to be in the hospital bc of covid), but today was the first day i felt somewhat human and capable, so that's a start. anyways, they ran tests on top of tests, did exam after exam, but we learned very little in the first 48 hours, well besides the fact that IT WASN'T AN OVERDOSE OR DRUG RELATED AT ALL. the toxicology report came back completely negative, and there were no signs of anything drug related in her room. the doctors believe an undetected deformity in her heart, or something of the sort (they literally don't know), caused an irregular heart rhythm, and that caused the cardiac arrest. as more time passed, we were all but told to start preparing for the worst. so much time had passed from when her heart stopped to when it was restarted that her brain didn't get any oxygen for too long. this caused immense amounts of swelling in her brain and they weren't sure if it would go down. still we waited and hoped and waited and hoped. we were just in this limbo for three days of hoping and praying despite the odds, but about 8 hours ago, after more tests and a second a third opinion, she was confirmed clinically braindead.
i think the hardest part for me has been trying to not fall into the mindset of "nothing matters, anything can be taken from you at any time. why try?" last night that's definitely where i was at. a 19 year old girl who had beat/was in the process of beating a perc addiction, and who had overcome the death of her close friend at the same time, dies from a unexplainable heart incident? like seriously? shit feels like some sort of cruel joke man. i come from a split family situation, so i've always valued family over everything. i've always wanted that picture perfect picket fence family and it feels like god/the world just wanted to shoot that down before it could even really start. like the last real text conversation we had was us saying we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. we don't even get the chance to try? at all?
anyways, it's 4 am, so i should probably go to sleep. i'm going to the hospital tomorrow to say my final goodbyes with her family before they take her off life support. if there's anything i've taken from this, i guess it's that i don't want to give up. these last 72 hours, i definitely have wanted to, and my parents probably think i have, but that's not the truth. while typing this, i realized that i want to do anything and everything i can to honor her forever. we always talked about the life we wanted to live and how she thought that i would make it in music, so i'm going to do that for her. i am going to get everything we talked about and dedicate it to her. wether she's here with me physically or not, i know she'll always be watching over me and i will never forget her and everything she did for me. i love you alenah. i love you love you love you forever and always.