mushamu
God jihyo
I'm going to infodump here after I researched a loooot of things regarding cPTSD (complex PTSD). Today, I basically remembered that I might be autistic which is chill and all; it would make a lot of sense considering a lot of the symptoms of autism that I definitely do have like the social withdrawal and how I'm sometimes really isolated myself. However, there are a lot of red flags over the previous few months that I still struggle a lot regarding cPTSD. I struggle to open up emotionally to even people such as my girlfriend, I try to hide my emotions when there's danger and then dissociate because I'm breaking down inside, I don't really say when I'm uncomfortable and I tend to lash out unrelentlessly when people trigger me. After that, I did researching on reddit to see the effects of cPTSD on the brain compared to something like being on the autism spectrum and its apparently really similar, so something like social withdrawal might not be linked to me having autism.
Something that I saw that was really interesting is that trauma molds the brain differently during development. I was really sad when I learned this because I thought I would forever have to live with a traumatized brain, but I did some more research and the concept of neuroplasticity basically says that the brain can be molded differently even though it has been inflicted with damage in the form of trauma. I'm going to try and basically re-organize my brain to the point where it can function normally again. It's been pretty much getting owned throughout my childhood so it makes sense why I haven't ever been "normal" even for someone who's neurodivergent, although if I have autism then that's perfectly fine too! Some of the things I'm going to try and basically break the bad neural pathways is taking risks, doing things I'm usually afraid of for no reason, and basically just living life! Life has been good over the past few months since I've cut down a bit on the video gaming and focused more on important things, and I'm trying to get back on my feet again.
Also, I found out I have OCD and I've been working on that the past few months, specifically relationship OCD. I have a lot of distress over not being able to figure out what happens in the future, and it's something I want to work on: accepting uncertainty. It's like how in Pokemon, you can't ever guarantee you're going to win, but you accept the uncertainty and try as hard as you can anyways. It's the same for relationships in my case, where "winning" in a relationship and having it work out is so important to me and the anxiety prevents me from focusing on the present and the woman I have next to me. For the trauma, I'm going to try and keep a journal on it on my phone that describes my cPTSD progress, like my general thoughts, what I did that day and stuff like that. I'm going to re-prioritize self care and try to re-parent and challenge myself to get rid of the cPTSD, as well as the host of issues it has such as depression, anxiety, rOCD, and maladaptive thinking patterns.
Something that I saw that was really interesting is that trauma molds the brain differently during development. I was really sad when I learned this because I thought I would forever have to live with a traumatized brain, but I did some more research and the concept of neuroplasticity basically says that the brain can be molded differently even though it has been inflicted with damage in the form of trauma. I'm going to try and basically re-organize my brain to the point where it can function normally again. It's been pretty much getting owned throughout my childhood so it makes sense why I haven't ever been "normal" even for someone who's neurodivergent, although if I have autism then that's perfectly fine too! Some of the things I'm going to try and basically break the bad neural pathways is taking risks, doing things I'm usually afraid of for no reason, and basically just living life! Life has been good over the past few months since I've cut down a bit on the video gaming and focused more on important things, and I'm trying to get back on my feet again.
Also, I found out I have OCD and I've been working on that the past few months, specifically relationship OCD. I have a lot of distress over not being able to figure out what happens in the future, and it's something I want to work on: accepting uncertainty. It's like how in Pokemon, you can't ever guarantee you're going to win, but you accept the uncertainty and try as hard as you can anyways. It's the same for relationships in my case, where "winning" in a relationship and having it work out is so important to me and the anxiety prevents me from focusing on the present and the woman I have next to me. For the trauma, I'm going to try and keep a journal on it on my phone that describes my cPTSD progress, like my general thoughts, what I did that day and stuff like that. I'm going to re-prioritize self care and try to re-parent and challenge myself to get rid of the cPTSD, as well as the host of issues it has such as depression, anxiety, rOCD, and maladaptive thinking patterns.
This is something I've struggled with in the past. I would say just try to take pride in the fact that you gave it your all. I used to do over-analyzing for every single accomplishment I had and it would only lead to imposter syndrome to the point where no accomplishment felt "real" anymore. Now I believe that if you keep on trying your best, then you're always going to make progress. Over-analyzing your achievements ultimately won't do any good because life is full of probability. A runner wins a marathon, but he's technically "lucky" for doing so since you can argue he has the superior genetics, can afford the time and money to put into the race, and may be paired up with worse contestants. If those factors had not come in play, hence the randomness of life, then he would not have run the marathon. However, that does not discount the fact that he won the marathon, and that in itself is very impressive. You can also use Pokemon as an example. You can always beat the best Pokemon players with a combination of good matchup and luck given how the game goes, but at the end of the day beating ABR in the finals of OST would still be very notable accomplishment. I would say letting go with expectations helps a lot and allows you to put your own progress into perspective. People grow at different rates, and trying to discount your own progress using the reasoning of life's luck or the fact that you didn't do good enough will only lead to resentment. Good luck!My problem ultimately comes down to me not knowing how I can or should properly show my appreciation for the good things in my life without feeling like I’m not being a hard worker on my own merits. Because believe me- I’m the kind of person who finds the progress of working more rewarding than anything regarding fun hobbies at this point. I appreciate your feedback and wanting to help. :)