last Friday i returned from a week long business trip that ended up being one of the worst weeks I've ever had in my life. i was having severe panic attacks and had to struggle through the days, sometimes just sitting in the bathroom for 30 minutes until they passed. I wanted nothing to do but come home, so I ended up cutting the trip a day short even if it meant spending way too much money on a last minute flight. when i got home Friday i was greeted by my girlfriend at the airport and just grateful to be home.
the next morning, after we were intimate, she told me she was breaking up with me because she wanted to move back home. i was shocked and in disbelief as this came out of nowhere. her mental health has not been great lately so initially i thought maybe this was a flight or fight response, but the more we talked i realized that this was something she thought about and was sure she wanted to do. the last week as one might imagine has been extremely tough. grief is terrible and one of the worst feelings in the world. I've spent half my days just in bed trying to understand what I did and why I wasn't enough. contrary to my posting habits, i think most people would consider me a very nice person, but being blindsided by these sorts of things can make you question a lot about yourself.
as the days went on, i noticed she seemed different and distant, as though she moved on. sparing all the details, i learned on Thursday she cheated on me while I was gone after a lot of lies and constant denial. while it wasn't physical cheating, part of the reason she broke up with me is because she wants to be with this other guy. initially i had planned to let her stay until this coming Monday, but when I learned this, i told her she needed to be out by the end of the night, and she was. Yesterday was the first day I had lived alone again for the last year and a half.
in a short few days i feel like i have already made good progress in moving on. I know I'll have my bad days and think about her from time to time, asking myself what went wrong, but at the end of the day knowing I was cheated on has made this so much easier for me. I realize there may not have been anything I could do to save this relationship if this was always something she was capable of. last night i saw an old friend over drinks and had a great time. equally, my friends from this community have been just as supportive in helping me get through this.
what irks me the most is just the timing of this all. everything from this happening the day after my trip, the day we were intimate, and a week before the one year anniversary of my dad's passing (Monday). it's really easy to feel deflated as all of these things are happening/happened at once, and I can't help but feel like maybe more bad things are coming my way. but it is what it is. I know I'll get through this and grow to be a better person. it might take me some time and that's okay. im trying to tell myself that it's okay to grieve, to cry, and to be angry. there are things in life we can't control and we just gotta take life one day at a time. that's all i got, there's no happy ending or words of wisdom here. i just wanted to share a small part of my life with strangers.
thanks for reading.
the next morning, after we were intimate, she told me she was breaking up with me because she wanted to move back home. i was shocked and in disbelief as this came out of nowhere. her mental health has not been great lately so initially i thought maybe this was a flight or fight response, but the more we talked i realized that this was something she thought about and was sure she wanted to do. the last week as one might imagine has been extremely tough. grief is terrible and one of the worst feelings in the world. I've spent half my days just in bed trying to understand what I did and why I wasn't enough. contrary to my posting habits, i think most people would consider me a very nice person, but being blindsided by these sorts of things can make you question a lot about yourself.
as the days went on, i noticed she seemed different and distant, as though she moved on. sparing all the details, i learned on Thursday she cheated on me while I was gone after a lot of lies and constant denial. while it wasn't physical cheating, part of the reason she broke up with me is because she wants to be with this other guy. initially i had planned to let her stay until this coming Monday, but when I learned this, i told her she needed to be out by the end of the night, and she was. Yesterday was the first day I had lived alone again for the last year and a half.
in a short few days i feel like i have already made good progress in moving on. I know I'll have my bad days and think about her from time to time, asking myself what went wrong, but at the end of the day knowing I was cheated on has made this so much easier for me. I realize there may not have been anything I could do to save this relationship if this was always something she was capable of. last night i saw an old friend over drinks and had a great time. equally, my friends from this community have been just as supportive in helping me get through this.
what irks me the most is just the timing of this all. everything from this happening the day after my trip, the day we were intimate, and a week before the one year anniversary of my dad's passing (Monday). it's really easy to feel deflated as all of these things are happening/happened at once, and I can't help but feel like maybe more bad things are coming my way. but it is what it is. I know I'll get through this and grow to be a better person. it might take me some time and that's okay. im trying to tell myself that it's okay to grieve, to cry, and to be angry. there are things in life we can't control and we just gotta take life one day at a time. that's all i got, there's no happy ending or words of wisdom here. i just wanted to share a small part of my life with strangers.
thanks for reading.
.
