A huge milestone has happened for me as I recently got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and am getting treated for it. It's been quite a journey so far especially since from a very young age, I didn't really know what was "wrong" with me emotionally and my best guess is that the trauma I went through eventually took advantage of my originally high neuroticism and developed it into BPD. Borderline personality is a cluster B disorder that is primarily characterized by emotional instability in which a person behaves impulsively and has a hard time managing their emotions, with a lack of a consistent identity that is as a result always changing being one of the hallmark traits of the disorder. More information can be found
here regarding BPD and I've been doing a lot of research on topics regarding trauma and mental illness to become more familiar with the effects on the topics especially when it's been a theme for a majority of my life.
I kind of just wanted to talk about it a bit here since I view this thread to be a safe space and to list out some things that has helped me personally manage and work on mental illness. Oftentimes when dealing with BPD I feel like there are 2 versions of me where there's one part of me that wants to get better, continue on with life and stop self medicating for it and there's another part of me that wants to be miserable forever and commit suicide alongside all the bad things BPD and c-PTSD comes with like being unable to form good relationships consistently and self isolation. It feels like I'm constantly alternating between the two actually separate different people that want different things. Yesterday when I was at work I was having a hard time and I was having suicidal thoughts the entire shift until after I got off and was basically like "Why did I think that?". It was scary because it genuinely felt extremely real and that I was actually going to go through with it that night, so I had planned to go to visit my dad and talk it out as he's someone I trust. There's something nice about having one of the people who brought me into the world tell me that he's proud of me, something I can't rely on my mom to do since she's emotionally abusive most of the time and very hot and cold.
Basically if anything my BPD is caused by the trauma that she inflicted on me when I was little and I feel like she definitely has BPD herself. There's a lot to unpack in therapy, but she would threaten to commit suicide, threaten to leave my brother in the desert to die, tell my brother and I that we were worthless, start fights with me over the dishes not being done as I had undiagnosed ADHD, and made us seem like we were the reason why she was so miserable with her life- even going so far as to calling us names like "monster" and body shaming us. We would have to hide the medication and knives and sometimes I would physically restrain her from leaving the house in fear that she would drive somewhere and take her own life. I remember one time I got nervous during a piano recital when I was about 9 (I was overall a very shy person) and when I didn't end up playing she took me home, yelled at me for 2 hours and smashed my Nintendo DSIXL. There are other instances that I've forgotten but the bottom line is that she would emotionally guilt trip and abuse my brother and I. Originally I thought this behavior was normal from parenting and that I was the problem and a really bad kid, but looking back it was pretty normal behavior from me as I was just growing up and she should have essentially gotten her shit together before having a baby. I also had issues with undiagnosed ADHD up until when I was 17, and with traditional Chinese culture being essentially a glorified grindset falling behind due to not being able to concentrate was also a huge part of the baggage especially when my values are completely opposite of the values that my parents have. This left me with no solid identity when I turned 18: I remember clearly I didn't feel human and just felt like an animal or someone's creation that was waiting to be put down as it shouldn't have been brought into the world due to being extremely ill and disregulated. My daily life was composed to means of instant gratification to subconsciously self-medicate the emotional pain I was going through and the dopamine helped fuel my ADHD as well. I have strict boundaries against her now, with our interactions being more limited to cordial talks in family gatherings and over text, but I hope my dad and my mom are happy nonetheless. Even though she hurt me immensely in my childhood years, I still wish her and my dad none other than the best as it was their first time living life too. It helps to realize that my mom's side of the family suffers heavily from intergenerational trauma and she simply just passed it down to me and we have a lot of the same personality traits- both good and bad. It makes me more motivated to break the cycle so that my own children will be able to grow up in a healthy household.
This was when I was heavily involved in Smogon, and that alongside Pokemon Showdown are the main two ways I use to numb my emotions and I developed an addiction. I wouldn't play because I liked the game, I played because I wanted to win, and feel accomplished at something in life. It was funny because the times I played out of love for the game I would be extremely consistent compared to otherwise when I would have anxiety attacks and throw tournament sets.
Eventually I was forced to grow after turning 18 and got a fast food job at a nearby mall when the pandemic died down. This taught me a lot about the real world dynamics, as being isolated and depressed for the first 18 years of my life led me to be emotionally stunted about how the world is, and I had the pleasure of making friends at work and interacting with customers who enjoyed my service. I also did other things like went through my first friend breakup, getting into clubs, and entering my first relationship in which I'm still in (our 16 months is today!). From the ages of 18-19 I grew a lot and now at least I'm a functioning member of society that holds down a job (boba barista) and has friends. I'm still dealing with BPD and it sucks balls, but it's a work in progress. Some days I'm still suicidal, but other days things are nice and happy and I feel like a real person that's living life. Sometimes I feel worthless and want to jump off a bridge after being triggered but I try to remember that this will pass and since you've felt genuinely happy before, then you can do it again. I'm still working on the Pokemon Showdown and Smogon addiction and there's a lot of personal growth I hope to achieve other than that as well. I still have a lot of mental health problems, mainly BPD as well as Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, addiction, and many others that I probably forgot, but I have to keep fighting even when I feel weak for a life that I deserve to live to the fullest.
Here are some mindsets that I'd like to share in this thread that have personally helped me manage my mental illnesses and will hopefully help you if you're going through something similar.
This is what has personally helped me in the past and not professional advice- therefore it could be wrong. Therapy is recommended no matter what if you are going through a hard time.
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Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Things always get better, even if it feels like everything sucks. Keep being strong and fighting for yourself while doing things that give you intrinsic value. Everything will be worth it and you will be having a great time in this world one day. Suicide doesn't get rid of the pain, it spreads it around you towards the people that love you and robs you of a life that you deserved to live. It's important to reach out for support and call for help.
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Separate your mental health issues from yourself
This is something that I learned in therapy which is extremely useful for regaining back your identity even with mental health issues. Even though you may have mental health issues that you are dealing with, remember that the mental health issues do not define you. You are you, the bad and the good. As easy as it is to say that the depression someone are going through might define them as a person, it's also easy to say that your friend can be defined by the fact that he likes eating bananas (they are a great source of potassium!). Something that has helped for me personally is separating myself from my issues. In my head there is a person that represents the part of me that I'm not proud of and is mentally ill. He's a gamer that does not go outside because he's afraid of taking risks and spends all day eating. When someone asks him to do something, he complains and tells himself that he does not need friends or family to talk to and is suicidal. And then there's the other person that represents me if I were to live a fulfilling life based on my values. I'm outside a lot and focusing on my girlfriend and loved ones, making risks and enjoying my job. I'm constantly cracking jokes with people I meet online and in person and having a good time. When he receives criticism after messing up, its whatever because it happens to the best of people! Both of them are me, but it helps me realize that the happy version of me isn't less mushamu than the sad version is. I just have to make the happy version stronger and the sad version weaker. The sad version won't ever be gone, but sooner or later happy mushamu will overtake sad mushamu and things will be better.
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Do things that make you happy.
Everyone has different definitions of happiness, for example some people enjoy being famous and preforming music while other people like to sit at home and spend time with loved ones. Don't let anyone's definition of happiness influence your own as you will be miserable.
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Exercise is good.
Exercise and working out is great for better mental health since it chemically gives your brain the "feel good" hormones, otherwise known as dopamine, and getting dopamine from means other than instant gratification is good at training the brain that temporary uncomfortableness will pass. Mental health and physical health have very close ties, and feeling good physically can oftentimes lead to feeling good mentally. There's also the epic side effect of being hot that you get for free for working out (!) and that's a pretty nice self confidence booster.
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Connect to good people.
Having a good support system is a must for improving mental health. Make good friends and connect with supportive family members. Remember that some people you won't vibe with, and that's okay- it's possible to just be incompatible as friends since we're all different. Yesterday I was trying to make small talk with my manager since it was just us two working in the store and getting kind of boring, but things were really awkward and I gave up. I'm sure she has friends she vibes with, and I have friends I vibe with too- we just don't get along and that's okay.
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Remember that you are strong and that growth is growth.
Find your personal strength wherever it lies in you. Gaining self confidence is key for identity, and overcoming adversity is a major part in doing so. Growth is neither good or bad, it's important to follow your own path in life and even if you may sometimes fail horrendously, everyone does it here and there and remember to keep walking. Life is weird because there isn't a reason why any of us are here but none of us are a mistake either- it's like a gift of being able to be sentient and feel fulfilled. It's up to us to determine what should be that fulfillment- it's like Pokemon Scarlet and Violet's treasure hunt if you've played those games. Similarly, don't compare yourself to other people who seem to be happier and more fulfilled especially on social media as they have problems too that they are struggling with. It's really easy to state "If I had x then I would be happy", but in reality we all want what we can't have.
- Give yourself grace
Sometimes we have shitty days or even weeks but it's important to be kind to yourself the same way you would treat a family member or friend because you are another person that is deserving of love too. We humans are meant to connect and support each other and that goes for connecting with yourself as well. Treat yourself nicely and with care, and do things for yourself the same way you would do for anyone else. Back when I was single and dealing with mental health issues I would take myself out as if I was my own significant other and just did things I personally enjoyed.
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Be honest with yourself
This is something I struggle a lot with addiction. With addiction it's easy to escape from your problems and that's what I've been doing for years, but in the end I have to be honest with myself and that's why I haven't been signing up for tournaments on Smogon for the past few months- I needed to take a step back and focus on what's important. The easy decision isn't always the right one, and especially if you've gone through a lot of trauma your body and mind will react to things that are healthy. For example, some people who have gone through relational trauma such as bullying struggle to make friends and have intense social anxiety. It's also important to be real with yourself regarding what you can handle and what you can't and doing things that benefit you. Setting boundaries is a textbook example of this, especially for those who have low self esteem.
My view on mental illness and mental wellness has changed a lot over the past few years especially when dealing with it firsthand. I personally view mental health as just as important as physical health even if it may not seem like it firsthand. Even though the effects are not as direct as they are over the mind rather than the physical body, they have the same impact on a person's wellbeing and quality of life. An example from my experience with it is that with borderline personality disorder and trauma, it felt like my mind was decaying more with the more time I left it unchecked as it became harder to break out of bad habits, cognitive distortions, and maladaptive thinking patterns. Other mental illnesses can be more severe too. I decided to make this post today because I was sitting around and wanted to share my personal experience on mental illness and some advice due to my observations regarding recovery and taking care of yourself to other people in this community. I also wanted to make a pledge to myself by writing it out somewhere that I felt was important to me that I will keep fighting my trauma and mental illness by working on myself and growing no matter how long it takes and to never, ever, let suicide take me away from this world.
To anyone else who is dealing with mental health issues, remember that you are amazing and loved.
