Are you in love?

Spaniard

We were born. Our parents, mass media and society taught us that love exists. Then we became teenagers and started having girlfirends/boyfriends. Now that I'm in my 20's I wonder if it all was a lie...

As a kid I was never really interested in the oposite sex so when adults talked about love it seemed like something very distant. We're supposed to find that special person that is gonna be with us forever.

However, after some actual experience a very disrupting idea has grown in my mind. I think that our behaviour is highly biologically based: We're programmed to seek for a sexual partner and after some time, we have to move on and look for a different one.

While that sounds outrageous, this 'get tired of your partner' behaviour could be benefitial for the species. Let me bring some points:

- It is agreed that sexual reproduction (two individuals involved) is genetically good as it multiplies variety and thus part of the offspring might be better suited to survive under certain conditions.

- Based on the first point, after having descendance with our partner, we would be augmentating variety if we looked for a new couple after some time.

- If, for some reason, we cannot reproduce with our current partner, our genes would be wasted (evolutively speaking). This could be solved with a new couple.

- Some people have affairs.

- Many couples get divorced or are not in love after some years.

- Very few animals have 'couples'. Stable relationships rarelly occur in nature. Only humans and some birds have them. These exceptions could be explained by the society factor and/or some biological advantages it offers.

Even if I suspect that this is the truth that we were never told, I still wanna believe that I can be in love with someone forever.

PS.

Thanks for reading. I expect a lot of people to disagree with me but I wanted to share my thoughts with you anyway. I'm looking forward to read your opinions. What is your experience? Have you ever been broken hearted? Have you ever grown tired of your girlfriend/boyfriend? Did they get tired of you? Do you know any successful couple that has lasted forever?
 
w/r/t the genetic diversity points, the number of different offspring (from a genetic standpoint) that can be produced by two humans is something on the order of 2^23, so that argument seems to more or less fall flat on its face.
 
Depends on what you mean by "in love", really. Even if you just mean something like sexual attraction + emotional bond, I think we've all heard of old couples who still have hot sex and such. I don't think it's meaningful to speculate on these things unless we start linking to studies.
 
you can be in love but not want to reproduce ftr

there are quite a few asexual communities who have romantic feelings and would claim to be in love, but no desire for a sexual relationship
 
my grandparents were married till death did she part - they were high school sweethearts. I think one of the biggest things that reveal the longevity of a relationship is the era you're growing up in, but more importantly the values that you hold near and dear to yourself. yes, biologically speaking we're attracted and drawn to multiple partners, but these animal whims are not so dominant that we cannot choose to stay with a single partner forever! to each his own, really.

personally, I'm not sure when I'm going to find my 'one true love' or someone who I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. I'm not really trying to look for that person - I imagine that one day it will dawn on me that I'm either very happy with my present partner or that I can be perfectly happy never getting married - I actually fantasize about wedding my husband to be when we are very old, just to show that we could stick together without tying the knot officially. everyone dies alone, but I suppose I'd prefer dying knowing that I had someone special close to me until the very end, even if that evidence is a mere wedding ring.

my mother has gone through two divorces, and is currently married to her third husband - I believe she is the happiest she's ever been with a man, and though it was awkward when they first got together (he's at least ten years older than her) by now he's shown that he can be a much better father figure to my younger half-siblings and a much better husband to my mother. I do think that people often marry for the wrong reasons, and divorcees are plentiful because they are still looking for their true loves, having too hastily believed they had already done so.

sometimes i feel like i can't really be happy if i'm NOT in a relationship with someone, or it's just really easy for me to find people i'd like to be in a relationship with. either way, I've gone through enough break ups and mishaps by now to know not to sell myself short just to have a boyfriend or partner, but companionship is a beautiful thing, especially with the opposite sex.
 
Imo, the key to long-lasting love is shared interests, hobbies, likes, dislikes. I know it doesn't guarantee anything - you still have to have the matching of personality, temperament, and attraction loosely known as "chemistry", but attraction by itself will only take you so far. At that point, you have to have attachment which fuels the desire for love, as well as intimacy. And a lot of that attachment is built by doing things together, having long conversations with both people being engaged, and so forth.

Also, it helps if both partners have realistic expectations of the relationship. Both have to realize that one or two years in they won't be insta-horny at the sight of each other, they have to realize how to manage the mundanes of life (money is the main cause of most breakups), and they have to stay faithful and committed, even if the relationship might be "boring" or "not what you expected".
 
I don't think love should be reduced to a "match the cards" game because people don't go around searching for opposite gender copies of themselves, but rather finding someone who has a lot of things different that you just adore and them liking your differences just the same.

I believe it exists but I also believe lot's of people can be satisfied with a health relationship and some aren't destined to find true love. But it's definitely worth the search, I mean most sane people search for massive wealth, just because most of them stop at being financially stable doesn't mean you can't be rich.
 
The girlfriend I liked the most I shared no interests with. Never got tired of her. Just get with someone you can talk with, nothing else required but talking and sex. Pretty simple shit.
 
My wife and I will have been married for four years in September. I think the reason people have such an issue with love in this era is because of the epidemics of self-entitlement and and the inability to accept the consequences of their actions. Also love (and happiness) have been twisted by Hollywood. The idea of live at first sight and soul mates and all that is garbage. Also, as far as opposites attract goes I would say it is true and false. For a healthy relationship you should probably agree on things that either person values heavily like religion and child raising. However being opposites in your strengths and weaknesses can make you a stronger couple. I keep my wife centered and positive and she keeps me motivated and focused.

Anyway, what I really want to say the main problem people have is they don't understand that love is work. There is no magic. You don't fall in love and everything is perfect and rainbows. The relationships you have with anyone you love be it romantic or familial are the most important relationships in your life. You need to work at them.

This post has no direction but I have another thing to add: define the relationship. For love to grow both parties need to understand what the other wants and expects out of the relationship. If you can't be honest with a person about this you can't have love.
 
You only need to match up on issues like religion if you are weak, or if the other person is weak. Unfortunately, most human beings are incredibly weak. I can date ladies of any religion, as long as they know that I hate their religions (for a majority of religions) but will not badger them about it ever as long they do not badger me. I have dated (as in more than one date) 3 "christians" and 1 atheist since becoming an atheist.

You probably need to agree on if you want children or not at some point past 1-2 years. No relationship is a waste of time, but if a person wants children of his or her own then it has to break off eventually.
 
Fishy said:
personally, I'm not sure when I'm going to find my 'one true love' or someone who I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. I'm not really trying to look for that person - I imagine that one day it will dawn on me that I'm either very happy with my present partner or that I can be perfectly happy never getting married
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Well said, and I guess I think the same way, bar that I do not have a current partner.
My parents themselves are still together after like over 30 years, and the only reason I believe they still are is because they feel each other, and the love is still there last time I checked ^^
Sure they might argue over stuff but nothing they couldnt solve. But they have a stable and good relationship of which I can only dream about I guess till now.

I dont know if and when I'll meet that one girl that I want to spend the rest of my life with, but itll be okay as long as the feeling is there, up until the day that I die, ring or no ring.

Also I do truly believe that for everyone there is a significant other, you just have to find them ^^
 
There is always that annoying little voice in my head ("reason") that says that we are indeed just animals when it comes to biological behaviour and evolution, that we are meant to reproduce and that our sexual and sentimental attraction is the product of our program, a component of a larger scheme that we can't really grasp or whatever.

I most of the time answer this little voice that it can go fuck itself, and to this day I still naïvely, intently and purposefully believe that "true love" can exist if I want it to exist, that it can happen with more than one individual and more than once in a lifetime, and that it can last and be mutual and be wonderful like something you would superficially and artificially give meaning to because life would be less interesting without it.
 
This is funny, I change my signature and the next day first thing I see is a new thread about love. No relation between the 2 I'm sure

Anyways

Ah love, what can I say about love? There is so much I can say that I feel it's best i skip this one.....maybe.
This subject has fascinated me since childhood. In fact i could cliam that i started showing interest in the opposite sex at an unnaturally young age compared to normal boys because of this fascination for love and today I am just as, if not even more fascinated by this subject. Weird right?
 
Both have to realize that one or two years in they won't be insta-horny at the sight of each other
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lol no. I've been with my girlfriend for three years and even to this day just the thought of sex with her perks me up.

If I'm being honest, the key to making a relationship last a long time is sex. Go ahead and be traditional and deny it, but in today's society, if the sex ain't good, then the relationship ain't good. For that reason, I refuse to marry a woman unless she's kinky as fuck.

Why? Because that means the sex won't get old. If you love sex and you marry a woman after three years of dating and all she ever likes is good ol' fashion missionary and doggy every now and then, you are going to get tired of it. But if you have a girlfriend (like mine) that's totally up for filming it, doing it in public, getting tied up, etc, then it simply won't get as old as fast. Thus, a healthier, longer-lasting relationship.
 
It seems like true love is so rare that it's almost extinct.

I mean, you here about all of these celebrity marriges and they last a year at most, and that's being generous. Some people don't mate/marry anymore because they are really in love. They do it because it's "cool".

This doesnt go for everybody. Mostly just with celebrites.

Other people feel that they have to. They need to fit in. They need to impress their family and friends. They have sex because it's "cool".
 
Fishy said:
everyone dies alone, but I suppose I'd prefer dying knowing that I had someone special close to me until the very end, even if that evidence is a mere wedding ring.
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Wouldn't your grandmother not of died alone? I obviously don't know the circumstances, but assuming she passed away in her sleep beside her husband, wouldn't her life of ended with the content-ness of being together?
Or do you mean something else when you say "die alone" (like that the physical act of death is a solo activity)?

Byrne said:
If I'm being honest, the key to making a relationship last a long time is sex. Go ahead and be traditional and deny it, but in today's society, if the sex ain't good, then the relationship ain't good. For that reason, I refuse to marry a woman unless she's kinky as fuck.
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I agree with this quite a bit. I remember seeing an interview of will smith where he said that the reason his relationship was so healthy was because him and jada liked to fuck and did it so often.

I personally hope to commit suicide with my wife when we're super old. Maybe by jumping out of a plane. Or alcohol and opiates. Then we'd die together :heart:
 
I'd also like to point out here that our cultural definition of "love" has been twisted, and that people who say they "love" somebody, nowadays, more often than not, mean that they feel a strong, mostly physical attraction to them, rather than the implied emotional desire for the welfare and wellbeing of the one they "love". Obviously, there are a number of exceptions--such as WaterBomb and Wikey earlier in this thread--but for a large number of people, this is the norm. Thus, my advice is: if you feel nothing beyond a physical desire, it's not likely that you're "in love" in the traditional sense. (And again, there are exceptions; my opinions are hardly the end-all in terms of the psychological spectrum.) As far as the affairs and divorces go, this can be explained if the couple in question was never really in love. While it is true that often the one leads to the other, the two phenomena are only loosely related otherwise. For example, divorce can happen when one partner realizes that the "love" they felt for their spouse was not true love, and decides to seek out actual love rather than continue living a lie. Affairs, on the other hand, are the opposite: one partner does not realize the true nature of their "love" for their spouse, but instead seeks more material love, believing that will fill the gap they hide in their heart. In reality, the chasm widens, and things just get worse from there. So all this is to say that true love can and does exist; it's just a matter of distinguishing between it and physical desire.

/2 cents
 
Galladiator said:
I'd also like to point out here that our cultural definition of "love" has been twisted, and that people who say they "love" somebody, nowadays, more often than not, mean that they feel a strong, mostly physical attraction to them, rather than the implied emotional desire for the welfare and wellbeing of the one they "love". Obviously, there are a number of exceptions--such as WaterBomb and Wikey earlier in this thread--but for a large number of people, this is the norm. Thus, my advice is: if you feel nothing beyond a physical desire, it's not likely that you're "in love" in the traditional sense. (And again, there are exceptions; my opinions are hardly the end-all in terms of the psychological spectrum.) As far as the affairs and divorces go, this can be explained if the couple in question was never really in love. While it is true that often the one leads to the other, the two phenomena are only loosely related otherwise. For example, divorce can happen when one partner realizes that the "love" they felt for their spouse was not true love, and decides to seek out actual love rather than continue living a lie. Affairs, on the other hand, are the opposite: one partner does not realize the true nature of their "love" for their spouse, but instead seeks more material love, believing that will fill the gap they hide in their heart. In reality, the chasm widens, and things just get worse from there. So all this is to say that true love can and does exist; it's just a matter of distinguishing between it and physical desire.

/2 cents
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Yes, exactly.

True love requires a mental infatuation.
 
when talking about sex, you also have to realize that the key is pacing yourself. If you have sex every day (multiple times a day) for an extended period of time, you will burn yourself out and get tired of your partner. I don't mean you'll lose your desire for sex altogether, you just won't be as hot for your partner. I value quality over quantity, so I found that limiting the sex and allowing the sexual buildup between sessions not only makes each time much more passionate and good, but also makes me not lose that desire for my wife.

My advice to the younger ones is this: if you want to maintain a good sex life and keep your desire for your partner burning indefinitely, don't go crazy in your first year or two and hump each other every time your eyes meet. Most new couples tend to do this, and it leads to cheating and breakups a couple years down the road because the two just don't want each other anymore. I'm not saying you have to stop altogether, but the longer you wait between sexual experiences, the more your desire builds. And there is nothing more amazing than having sex with your partner after a week or two of building up pressure with flirting and provocative gestures.
 
Reading this thread has kind of put me in a state of depression.


Author Terry Goodkind once defined love as a mutual and everlasting passion for a life shared with another person. How right he is.

Love is supposed to be a passion, an infinite obsession with another individual. You are not in love if you are only with the person because you are afraid to be alone. It is not supposed to fade away after the honeymoon phase, or after you have children, or after sex is not enjoyable anymore. If you find that your feelings for someone have ceased, it was never love to begin with. Love should be given both ways, and nothing should stop it. If you cheat on someone, you obviously never loved them. If there are constant issues and problems that arise with the person, you obviously never loved them. Love should bring people together, not drive them apart. It's not love if it's not returned. Love should be about sharing a life with somebody, not about having children or having sex at a regular basis. If that is not your primary reason for getting married, your relationship is doomed to fail. Love is about needing a person to be in your life forever and them needing you. It's about honor and respect for the other person, as harming them would be like harming yourself.

People rush too quickly into marriage for reasons other than love. Couples have children too quickly and when problems arise, they are to an extent forever locked to a person that cannot make them happy. Children complicate things, don't have them unless you know that you can give them a loving environment to live in. It's not fair to them to have to live in a broken home or to have to deal with parents who are together but are not really happy. Wait until you are mature enough and your family is stable enough before you have children.

Like a few others, I blame the media for tainting the morals of our society for a cheap dollar. Once they realized that sex sells, that’s all they used. It's in everything and sex seems like the only reason to get married. And a good 97% of people don't even wait until marriage anymore to have sex. But it's not just the media that creates bad relationships; it's our own bad choices in choosing a partner. I think it's truly a shame where this country is and what many of your opinions are on love, but I know that there are still people who believe the way I do.
 
- Very few animals have 'couples'. Stable relationships rarelly occur in nature. Only humans and some birds have them. These exceptions could be explained by the society factor and/or some biological advantages it offers.

Even if I suspect that this is the truth that we were never told, I still wanna believe that I can be in love with someone forever.
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I too like you wish I could grow up to be 80 years old with the one person I love at this point, but then again that person doesn't want to be with me. I'll probably end up marrying somebody who I could never love as that one special person, and I'll end up getting tired or bored of that person. Getting divorced would be an obvious thing that will happen in a relationship like this. I think divorcing happens because they are not into each other 100%.

Great post btw.
 
CaptKirby said:
You only need to match up on issues like religion if you are weak, or if the other person is weak. Unfortunately, most human beings are incredibly weak. I can date ladies of any religion, as long as they know that I hate their religions (for a majority of religions) but will not badger them about it ever as long they do not badger me. I have dated (as in more than one date) 3 "christians" and 1 atheist since becoming an atheist.

You probably need to agree on if you want children or not at some point past 1-2 years. No relationship is a waste of time, but if a person wants children of his or her own then it has to break off eventually.
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Since the thread was about love I assumed we were talking about relationships that both parties intended on being extremely long-term. There's nothing wrong with dating people you don't intend on settling down with and I would have nothing against dating someone who was religious. I don't think I could ever love someone the way I love my wife if they were religious. To me romantically loving someone is devoting all of yourself to that person and you and that person becoming one entity. I couldn't do that if that person and I had such different opinions on life. Also I couldn't take them seriously as a person.
 
the fact is that taking multiple partners throughout your life increases the biodiversity of your offspring, which is good for the survival of the species. as such, it only makes sense that our instinct will tell us to move on after a certain length of time with one person. it's not exactly cheerful, but that's why i think that absolutely no romance, no matter how strong, can last forever (though some will last long enough for one member to die).

monogamous, lifetime marriage is an unnatural religious concept. i really don't understand why it's such a big part of society outside of the usa.

if you're a big part of the public sphere, the pressure to conform is much more intense than for those of us that just go to our day jobs. that's what causes so many celebrity marriages. it usually takes them less than a year to realize how unhappy they are and seek a divorce. it really has nothing to do with celebrities being stupid(er than average).

i dated a catholic for a few months last year. obviously i knew it wasn't going anywhere, but it was fun while it lasted. i tend to think that serious relationships can occur between very different people, but i agree with wikey in that i personally just couldn't love a person like that.
 
VirtualKaraokeCircusAct said:
Wouldn't your grandmother not of died alone? I obviously don't know the circumstances, but assuming she passed away in her sleep beside her husband, wouldn't her life of ended with the content-ness of being together?
Or do you mean something else when you say "die alone" (like that the physical act of death is a solo activity)?


I agree with this quite a bit. I remember seeing an interview of will smith where he said that the reason his relationship was so healthy was because him and jada liked to fuck and did it so often.

I personally hope to commit suicide with my wife when we're super old. Maybe by jumping out of a plane. Or alcohol and opiates. Then we'd die together :heart:
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the dying alone thing wasn't tied to my grandparents. yes, the physical act of death is a solo activity is all I meant. i'd say sex is definitely one of "the" factors to determine whether or not a relationship is going to be successful. as intelligent and advanced humans may be with their ideals for relationships and standards for love, if you don't want to fuck your partner you're pretty much forced to move on!
 
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