Serious Falling In Love

jumpluff

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#26
But my past is relevant to explain my present troubles. It's not that easy. It's not just a decision you fan make and suddenly start doing. "Oh, I'll start being more social!" That's not how it works. It's a struggle to adapt. Because of how awkward and shy I was brought up, it remains a problem. I want to change but just deciding all of a sudden and saying "fuck it" isn't what happens ,as much as I wish it was.
Hey,

I can relate to your situation pretty well, I think; I was an awkward kid in primary school, my interests were academic extracurriculars, playing netball until I got injured, scouts, and reading SFF alone. In high school I was homeschooled for awhile and ultimately did not complete HS. I don't know how old you are, I'm at university (I posted earlier in this thread, idk if you read it) and I'm still struggling to adapt (especially because I'm now hard of hearing, which makes social situations very difficult). I agree with you, all of these things are very very very very very very relevant, but they're only more impetus to try and change things, because you're clearly unhappy with your current situation and it seems like these were uncomfortable experiences with you in regards to how you relate to others.

I can tell you in full sincerity that, as daunting it is to begin trying, especially if you have bad experiences that cause you to behave self-consciously (and this is truly not easy to ignore, and it's important to be self-aware! finding that balance is tricky and I agree that 'just do it' can be glib advice), the only thing you can do is try. You recognise that there is no magic bullet for this situation. You want to get more confident. So then the logical conclusion is you must start somewhere to achieve your goal. And no, the change isn't overnight or dramatic. Self-presentation is one place to start but, honestly, the most important thing for overcoming social anxiety is expanding your comfort zone. By this I mean small interactions that build up over time. If something bad happens, because life never goes in a perfectly smooth trajectory, you retreat a little, reevaluate, then keep trying with other people, getting a little further as you build up confidence and self-assurance; this is how you build up resilience. Positive experiences, consciously internalised, offset negative experiences with time, space, and personal growth. Get to know people gradually, especially if you ever have an opportunity to interact with people in a new environment or situation (new grade/class/hobby). Speak up a little so people realise you're there and start to notice things about you other than you're very withdrawn. I don't know what sports you play but that seems like an environment with ample opportunity for friendliness, non-solitary hobbies tend to be.

You yourself say you're not of an age where you're actively seeking romantic intimacy, so I'd honestly advise you to try to get into the mindset of learning how to befriend girls and act normally around them. I say this with experience that if someone doesn't think of you as a potential friend and only views you as a prospective romantic interest, or primarily conceptualises of you as the 'opposite sex' or somehow fundamentally mystical by virtue of gender, it comes across as really obvious and makes it hard to have a proper friendship. It can also be intensely overbearing. I realise that there's a tendency to segregate among genders in school and HS sports are gender-segregated mostly, but at least at schools I attended it was common for all genders to mingle, increasing in likelihood with confidence and popularity (I was part of an all-femme clique in one school that was founded on a mutual interest in, you might be interested to know, anime! The girls were goths and I'd already had and dropped a goth phase, but I was accepted because I was as much of a pariah as them and equally willing to eat pocky as a social statement).

The other issue is self-conceptualisation. And I'm not gonna lie to you and tell you that people will automatically treat you better because you think well of yourself. I had decent self-esteem before I got bullied. But working on your feelings of self-worth, value, and figuring out what you have to offer the world and what makes you a special person will both be positive for your psychological wellbeing and for your ability to confidently interact with others. And confidence is something people pick up on, so, yes, it is hard to get started. Many things are hard to get started, and this is particularly hard and punishing, and it's a long trajectory... but it's worth it. Keep in mind people won't always be the kinds of people they are in high school, but there's no reason you can't start working on your personal growth now.

Be open to talking to other shy kids that you might not notice, too... it can go awkwardly if neither of you know what to say (expect silences and try not to openly fret too badly, obviously I say try because it's just a thing you have to practice!) but if you have a mutual interest or can figure out how to find something interesting in the stuff they like to talk about then odds are they're in the same boat they are in. (A lot of that type of conversation I have found is being able to talk to people about interests you don't necessarily share or invest much time in, many things can be interesting if presented the right way and to the right depth by the right person.) If you can figure out what you both like, try and ask them to hang out sometime, etc.

And pay attention to your surroundings :) You can learn a lot about people and social cues (something that's hard to pick up if you haven't had a lot of contact with kids your age to naturally develop it, you have to sort of learn it as you go along inferentially and sometimes by asking) that way, and individuals. The less you think of others of threats and the more able you feel to pick up on things like mood and flow without projecting too hard, the more relaxed and less anxious you will be.

It's honestly a long process and I wish you good luck. And if you can see your school counsellor discreetly I would suggest that maybe? They often see students who are bullied or having trouble adapting socially and can give you more specialised advice. And talking through the difficulties you're having as you go along can be very helpful for thinking your way through things and processing things emotionally, and talking about how the past is affecting your present can help you move beyond it while still being aware of what you have to adjust for.

And to be honest, while collectively your hobbies do sound like the profile of a nerd... there are many, many kinds of nerds. Interests can be played off, interests can be played up as cool, interests can be extended to relate to other people. A lot of the thing with awkward interests is how you're perceived in relation to your interests (if you're That Kid that can only talk about one thing and doesn't show interest in anyone else's hobbies and seems to be impeded by your hobby, it comes off badly, but there's no reason a decent interest in video games should be shameful). Lots of people like video games these days, it's something you can actually relate to other people with. Anime is a less common hobby and comes with connotations but those connotations exist because many anime fans in the West do. Sport is a hugely relatable interest.

tl;dr: yes, you need to take risks, but not all risks are equal and it's something you can do gradually
 
#27
Speaking as someone who is shy, quiet and awkward and has been as long as I can remember, it's definitely a matter of practice, just talking to ppl and getting used to it. Instead of worrying about getting into conversations, just put yourself in situations where you can't help but get into conversations. I've found my job is pretty good in that regard, idk what it'd be for you. There's also online stuff where you can talk to ppl and if it's awkward you never have to interact with them again. Idk, not sure how effective that latter idea is but who knows

Edit: I have no idea how to romance lol
I've had to rely on that for a long time to fulfill my social needs but unfortunately, it hasn't really built confidence IRL. It's different because I can be whoever the hell I wanna be if I'm on behind my phone or laptop
 
#28
Celebrating my 100th post by being rejected for Homecoming. How nice.


Time to go back into the dark, depressed corners of my mind once again.
I wouldn't stress on it. High school relationships are mostly useless, short, and dramatic. You won't regret not going to homecoming after high school. I didn't go to any dances in high school or have any relationships at all and at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. Focus on things that do make you happy and are achievable rather than the impossible. For me this was turning my GPA around. Junior year I was at 3.1 weighted, senior year: 4.2. Instead of wishing and regretting, make things happen.

Another idea to make you not focus on your crush (I assume) is get close to a person or persons you have no romantic desires with. I met my best friend junior year, and just being around him gave me hope to keep going. Share your feelings with those around you instead of keeping to yourself.

I hope this helps from a person who was in a very similar situation to yourself.
 

NixHex

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#29
I met my girlfriend in 2002 in high school and we were good friends but felt nothing for each other. In 2004 we started dating and are now engaged. We had no romantic interest so we weren't pining over each other, which made our sudden transition to bf/gf very easy and un-awkward. Every new experience was natural and not intimidating in the slightest. This is coming from a guy who was frightened of girls - heck, I still stutter around women no matter who they are until I've known them a long time.

If you are nervous and scared of rejection, bury your feelings (not all the way, just suppress them) and develop a friendship with her. Get together with her, NOT as a date (no fancy restaurants or bars) - perhaps somewhere inocuous like an arcade. Play some air hockey or go bowling, see some tryhard indie band, something casual. Compliment her in a non-creepy way and tell her you enjoy spending time together. If it is meant to be, it will escalate from there. Maybe suddenly like mine, or gradually.

Finally, if she is already in a relationship, do NOT interfere. If you somehow are responsible for a break up, that instills a lack of trust. Good luck bro, and keep us posted on any progress you make with her.
 
#31
Thanks for the advice guys.

The issue is that we're already friends (more or less) and she's not looking for any sort of relationship at all. I figure I'll just give it time and see how things go.

NixHex I'll consider that; it seems promising as I agree there's no point in trying to force anything. Like I said, I'll see how life plays out.
 

NixHex

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#32
^no offense or anything but thats exactly what ive heard so many people say not to do

i think its best put, if you follow nixhex's advice, be prepared for her to see you entirely platonically forever, because 100 to 1 thats whats gonna go down
Makes sense, especially because she's not interested in a relationship. Maybe I've been out of the game too long heh.

Man if my fiance dies or we break up, I'm screwed.
 

HBK

Subtlety is my middle name
#33
the sentiment behind this makes sense. Love is prioritizing somebody else over yourself, in other words it's basically just selflessness, but "looking for love" is an inherently selfish act where you decide you want something and thus prioritize your own interests. Where this falls down is the assumption that two people who initially meet for selfish reasons cannot develop a selfless relationship, and most people with happily married grandparents can confirm to themselves that this is indeed not the case. (stereotyping hard here but whatever). sure toradora may be my favorite love story of all time and if you luck into one like that then good for you, but i really think that kind of thing is in the small minority.

As for myself, basically where I am right now is I've decided I don't really belong in a relationship. As I said, love is all about selflessness—and as a selfish, lazy, inconsiderate layabout I really think anyone who was in a relationship with me would be getting gipped. And even when I'm not being so pragmatic and start to think about asking girls out, I run into the complete dead end of what would I even do if she said yes? My hobbies are programming, Pokemon, Melee, rock climbing, board gaming and anime. What are the odds of having anything to talk about or enjoy together?
There's no such thing as selflessness; it's merely a myth. Anything and everything you do will always stem from a desire to obtain something, be it something tangible or simply a sensation of sorts. It is humanly impossible to be completely selfless. Selflessness is, essentially, thinking about the needs of others while ignoring your own desires while selfishness is focusing on your own wishes while being completely inconsiderate of those of others. Even something like giving to charity, contrary to popular opinion, isn't selfless; those who do so, do it not just to help the poor and needy, but also because it makes them feel better about themselves and that means it falls somewhere between the opposite extremes of human nature that are selflessness and selfishness. Loving someone is, therefore, in no way selfless; when one loves another, he/she does so wanting and expecting to be loved in return and is distressed when that doesn't happen.
 
#35
I met my girlfriend in 2002 in high school and we were good friends but felt nothing for each other. In 2004 we started dating and are now engaged. We had no romantic interest so we weren't pining over each other, which made our sudden transition to bf/gf very easy and un-awkward. Every new experience was natural and not intimidating in the slightest. This is coming from a guy who was frightened of girls - heck, I still stutter around women no matter who they are until I've known them a long time.

If you are nervous and scared of rejection, bury your feelings (not all the way, just suppress them) and develop a friendship with her. Get together with her, NOT as a date (no fancy restaurants or bars) - perhaps somewhere inocuous like an arcade. Play some air hockey or go bowling, see some tryhard indie band, something casual. Compliment her in a non-creepy way and tell her you enjoy spending time together. If it is meant to be, it will escalate from there. Maybe suddenly like mine, or gradually.

Finally, if she is already in a relationship, do NOT interfere. If you somehow are responsible for a break up, that instills a lack of trust. Good luck bro, and keep us posted on any progress you make with her.
these kind of stories intrigue me. have you ever been with any other girl? if not, while it's clear that you love this girl, do you ever wish you had been even if only for a brief period of time?
 

NixHex

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#36
I had two girlfriends before her. My first ever was an internet relationship with a girl who was related to very long time friends of my mom (read: 30 years), whom I never knew before that point. She lived half-way across the US and we communicated mainly via AIM and phone. We ended up meeting at a wedding and we were both each others' first kiss. However when we both returned to our respective homes, she basically told me she didn't want to move on in the relationship. Probably a smart thing seeing as we were both in 10th grade and lived 1k miles apart, and had vastly different religious views, but I was still pretty crushed after we went from talking every single day, cold turkey, to a monthly basis or less.

The second girl I met a few weeks later at a local music shop and I pretty much used her as my rebound girl. We were together for about two weeks but I ended up breaking it off with her, and it was probably one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. She was pretty unstably and I pretty much only wanted to be around her because she was cute and we made out a lot. During all that time, I was friends with my current girlfriend, and we started dating in 11th grade. We haven't been apart in 11 years, which seems pretty crazy to other people, but natural to us since aside from being bf/gf, we are best friends. Oh, and we are both Christians so there is no conflict about being "unequally yoked." It seriously would have been impossible and immoral for me to be with either of the two previous girlfriends for such a long time, and also very unfair to either girl to know that the religious difference meant so much to me.

Thanks for your interest, faint. I can see why Stratos and probably a few others disagreed with my post. I've been out of the game for over a third of my life. But my overall point is to be friends with your mate, whether it's before or after you get together in a romantic relationship. If there is no friendship, it won't work out.
 
#37
I can try to give advice here, but I seriously doubt how useful it will be. I can and often do have crushes on girls, but I've realized that I have no real desire to pursue a relationship in my life. I'd much rather focus on other things, so said crushes are really more a nuisance at best. That said, compiling what I've heard from other people about this subject...

Honestly, I really just have to agree with NixHex. If you're not, like, best friends with your girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever, then I really can't see how you'd get it to work. I mean, if things work out, you're going to be living with this person for the rest of your life. You better really like them, and they better really like you.

I've heard a lot of issues with "pedestal placing" as well. Basically, if you find yourself feeling like she/he/they're perfect, just remember they have flaws too, and them screwing up isn't the end of the world unless it's absolutely awful. So with that said, if you really have a crush on someone and want to pursue that, try to get to know them better before doing anything rash. What's their favorite ice cream flavor? Their favorite book? Movie? Just casual things like that. Remember that worlds like girlfriend have two parts: "girl" and "friend." If you'd want to know these things about your friend, why should it be different here? Perhaps these things would make a good conversation piece too.

And really, if this ends up with her just seeing you as "just" a friend forever and ever, then she probably wasn't going to fall for you either way anyway. That happens sometimes, and it sucks, but there's not much you would have been able to do to prevent that.

Also, just...don't lie, okay? The last thing you want is for her to fall in love with who you say you are when that's not who you actually are. The more you lie, the more work it's going to be to maintain that lie.

I hope that's helpful and that I'm not completely detached from reality.
 
#38
I'm glad there's a thread like this again. I'd post my situation, but I don't want to detract from the OP... (Though, if you guys don't mind hearing it and want to help a fellow Smogon'er out, I'd be more than happy to discuss it.)

I say, good luck rainbow Solrock! Please let us know how it goes :) It's always a great thing to hear when things like this work out. As a guy who has been let down consistently due to a repeated lack of reciprocation from every girl I've been into, I always hope to see that others don't fall into the same situation. It's pretty awful and confidence-degrading.
 

ethan06

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#39
As a guy who has been let down consistently due to a repeated lack of reciprocation from every girl I've been into, I always hope to see that others don't fall into the same situation. It's pretty awful and confidence-degrading.
Actually, that's exactly what happened... Basically we made friends over the holiday and got close enough that she confided in me about her already pretty involved love life. I never got a straight-up rejection but it was pretty clear that I wasn't a factor in any way, shape or form... Besides the heartbreak and shit, it poses another interesting problem: Are there any good ways to fall out of love with someone without cutting them completely out of your life? We're still good friends and I think it'd hurt her feelings if I cut her out without an explanation...
 

Soul Fly

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#40
It'll happen. It's easier when they don't know though. Just be on your guard for a while, to not do stupid shit when you're alone with them and you'll be fine. I know a few people who are still friends/comfortable acquaintances with their rejectees/rejected. The people who aren't are the ones who make a big deal out of this. Those are also usually the kind that end up getting the case of onesies. If you can't handle yourself around her take a fucking break for some time, maybe tell them why, if they know - most probs they'll understand.

I generally feel for this situation because my first genuine love-in-first-sight case was with this amazing woman who I worked with and keep meeting because we're in the same circles now, and she was already with a pretty awesome guy. It's kind of painful seeing a great relationship, and not to mention it makes you feel guilty as fuck that somewhere deep inside you oppose a perfectly happy relationship for a purely selfish reason. But trust me. Absolutely NO ONE wants to be that guy.
 
#41
Actually, that's exactly what happened... Basically we made friends over the holiday and got close enough that she confided in me about her already pretty involved love life. I never got a straight-up rejection but it was pretty clear that I wasn't a factor in any way, shape or form... Besides the heartbreak and shit, it poses another interesting problem: Are there any good ways to fall out of love with someone without cutting them completely out of your life? We're still good friends and I think it'd hurt her feelings if I cut her out without an explanation...
Wow, I'm sorry to hear that :( If you think she considers you a great friend, you're absolutely right that cutting her off would hurt her feelings.

In general, I think that question is very difficult to answer because you've already put so much mental investment into them that just trying to be friends with them will eventually eat at you. In those situations, I feel that letting the girl know and telling her in a casual way how you felt is the best way to take that pressure off of you, because part of the problem is the fact that you never told her how you felt to begin with. At least, that's how I see the situation. I've never personally done it, but looking back, I wish I had the guts to do so.

Basically, I don't think it's possible to fall "out" of love if you've already given the person so much of your consideration, other than just letting the time pass. Eventually, you'll meet other amazing women who will make you feel the same way you did about this girl.
 

Stratos

Banned deucer.
#42
Actually, that's exactly what happened... Basically we made friends over the holiday and got close enough that she confided in me about her already pretty involved love life. I never got a straight-up rejection but it was pretty clear that I wasn't a factor in any way, shape or form... Besides the heartbreak and shit, it poses another interesting problem: Are there any good ways to fall out of love with someone without cutting them completely out of your life? We're still good friends and I think it'd hurt her feelings if I cut her out without an explanation...
who cares bro, do what's best for you. If staying in touch with her is hurting you then just fade out. if she asks you what's going on, say something like "we had different ideas about our friendship so i needed some space" or something else non-committal but clear enough she gets the right idea. But honestly, she probably won't. Chances are you're overvaluing how much you matter to her due to both the spotlight effect and projecting your own interest in her. People have lots of friends and friends come and go all the time, it's not a big deal to back out here. And I reiterate, even if she does care—do what's best for you.
 
#43
If you are nervous and scared of rejection, bury your feelings (not all the way, just suppress them) and develop a friendship with her. Get together with her, NOT as a date (no fancy restaurants or bars) - perhaps somewhere inocuous like an arcade. Play some air hockey or go bowling, see some tryhard indie band, something casual. Compliment her in a non-creepy way and tell her you enjoy spending time together. If it is meant to be, it will escalate from there. Maybe suddenly like mine, or gradually.

Finally, if she is already in a relationship, do NOT interfere. If you somehow are responsible for a break up, that instills a lack of trust. Good luck bro, and keep us posted on any progress you make with her.
I'm kind of in this situation and I'm just about ready to listen to that first paragraph because I'm not sure how things are between us. Things have been going really well between this girl and I, but I noticed another guy in the picture and was able to ask if they were together or not, she told me they weren't but things were complicated. I assumed originally they weren't together because the guy wasn't at her birthday dinner (you know, something I feel is pretty important for a significant other to go to, but I guess they weren't together at the time), but I saw them around together more and assumed they had something going on, which I think they do, but again, she said things were complicated and they weren't together. How should I take this? She hadn't really brought up other guys until I brought him up.

I haven't known her for very long, just about 3 months. But I feel as if things have been going very well. We went out for dinner not too long ago, but I didn't consider it a date. We're going again this week (hopefully), but I'd like some Smogon'er advice on this.
 

Stratos

Banned deucer.
#44
I should probably disclose that in the realm of relationships I've never been on more than a couple dates, so I'm far from an expert on making relationships work, but I do have more than a little experience in being into girls who aren't into you.

My take is that if she's telling you "it's complicated," she's almost certainly not into you. If she were into you, her relationship with the other dude wouldn't matter, so it wouldn't be complicated. Furthermore the ambiguity of saying "it's complicated" without actually explaining what the relationship is really rubs me the wrong way as it shows she either doesn't see you as 1) important enough to explain it to or 2) an equal. This may not be the most lenient take but it's better to invest time in meeting new people than into someone who's almost certainly stringing you along for one reason or another with no intent to ever seriously date you.

edit: plus, do you really want to be in a relationship for whom relationships are so fucking convoluted that they have to be described as "it's complicated?" sounds like a lot of drama and hassle.
 

Style_Dota

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#45
it's complicated doesn't mean that. She might be into you, but odds are she's involved with one or more that one other person. If not romantically, then casually.

But yeah, if you're looking for a serious relationship with that person, Stratos is right, don't get involved with her. I've dated people like that, it's not fun.
 
#46
I had three different relationships now, all of which had a long span so I can provide some insight. There's going to be some irony in this post.

The best advice you could get is no advice. The first relationship I had was in high school and this was your typical high school sweetheart type of love. How it kind of happen was a blur but there is some truth in Mizuhime's post. This relationship kind of came out of no where and I'm sure some posters can relate to it. I started talking to this girl without any interest in seeking love or even seeking companionship. Situations kind of brought us together and eventually we got together. It wasn't even complicated. I didn't seek advice from my closest friends or search the internet for answers on how to fall in love. All it really took was a dash of courage and intuition to just go for it. Bear in mind I was the biggest pussy in high school but I still went for it.

Fast forward to my second relationship. The first break up is always the most devastating and can really change a person's perception on love. I went through a phase of ingesting so much knowledge on 'love' and relationships, such as stages of dating, courting, how to talk to women, how to become a man, and a lot of other bullshit. The more I was seeking love, the harder it was to actually find it. Again, this reveals some truth in Mizuhime's post. Going into my second relationship was definitely not as sweet as the first and that was the mistake I made. In my journey to seek the same type of love, it jeopardized the next relationship. I wasn't the same person. Before I knew it, I was having a hard time connecting with women and people in general. I was too selfish. A lot of the information out there on the internet can be poison. I had skewed perception on relationships and being a man and was a low-key misogynist at some point. Ultimately, the relationship I had was built on this made-up character based on skewed information and shitty advice from the internet. It wasn't a great relationship and I practically gave up on love at this point.

After taking a long break and much needed self-reflection, there is one thing I realized and learned through previous experiences with love. As an adult, the playing field changes. The same passive version of me in high school who let things happen and having the mindset of not seeking love is not going to work. However, being obsessed with seeking love will do you no good as well, you lose focus on the bigger picture of life and adds unnecessary stress. I'm currently with my current girlfriend for a solid three years now and I can say that this feels just right. It doesn't have the same first love feeling and I'm not even tripping. It also isn't based on false character based on skewed information. It feels mature. We understand that we are adults and that life is short. We have our own mission in life and aspirations to go for. At the same time we understand the importance of companionship and support. We grow together. So instead of being the naive little high school boy I was with being drunk in love or being too obsessed with being the man and being overly selfish, I found the balance.

Going back to my first point: the best advice is truly is no advice. Foresight teaches gently; error teaches brutally. I like the brutal way. It made me into the person today and made me understand love and relationships more. It gave me wisdom. Just go out there and experience life and love. Experiment different stuff. You gotta learn to fall before you can stand up. Ignore the advice on the internet and seek the knowledge yourself. You may not experience the same trials I went through and the things I took away from it. You may gain similar insights but the things you take away from your experiences are all yours. Nothing can take it away from you and it will make you into a better person and give you an understanding of love. There is no script. Just do you and don't be stagnant. Always be growing even through multiple rejections and difficult trials.
 
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#47
I should probably disclose that in the realm of relationships I've never been on more than a couple dates, so I'm far from an expert on making relationships work, but I do have more than a little experience in being into girls who aren't into you.

My take is that if she's telling you "it's complicated," she's almost certainly not into you. If she were into you, her relationship with the other dude wouldn't matter, so it wouldn't be complicated. Furthermore the ambiguity of saying "it's complicated" without actually explaining what the relationship is really rubs me the wrong way as it shows she either doesn't see you as 1) important enough to explain it to or 2) an equal. This may not be the most lenient take but it's better to invest time in meeting new people than into someone who's almost certainly stringing you along for one reason or another with no intent to ever seriously date you.

edit: plus, do you really want to be in a relationship for whom relationships are so fucking convoluted that they have to be described as "it's complicated?" sounds like a lot of drama and hassle.
I think you make excellent points here. She did say that she would explain to me why it was complicated later (this was all over text, if that matters at all), but that honestly felt like more of an excuse to not mention it to me again, which would force me to bring it up if she ever had no intention of telling me.

Haha, now I don't even want to go with her to dinner this week. I feel like I'd be wasting my time.

it's complicated doesn't mean that. She might be into you, but odds are she's involved with one or more that one other person. If not romantically, then casually.

But yeah, if you're looking for a serious relationship with that person, Stratos is right, don't get involved with her. I've dated people like that, it's not fun.
Good points. I'm not sure what her experience is with past relationships but I'm almost certain they had something at some point.

What a shame, I suppose. We clicked pretty damn well.


I had three different relationships now, all of which had a long span so I can provide some insight. There's going to be some irony in this post.

The best advice you could get is no advice. The first relationship I had was in high school and this was your typical high school sweetheart type of love. How it kind of happen was a blur but there is some truth in Mizuhime's post. This relationship kind of came out of no where and I'm sure some posters can relate to it. I started talking to this girl without any interest in seeking love or even seeking companionship. Situations kind of brought us together and eventually we got together. It wasn't even complicated. I didn't seek advice from my closest friends or search the internet for answers on how to fall in love. All it really takes is a dash of courage and intuition to just go for it. Bear in mind I was the biggest pussy in high school but I still went for it.

Fast forward to my second relationship. The first break up is always the most devastating and can really change a person's perception on love. I went through a phase where I ingested so much knowledge on 'love' and relationships, such as stages of dating, courting, how to talk to women, how to become a man, and a lot of other bullshit. The more I was seeking love, the harder it was to actually find it. Again, this reveals some truth in Mizuhime's post. Going into my second relationship was definitely not as sweet as the first and that was the mistake I made. In my journey to seek the same type of love, it jeopardized the next relationship. I wasn't the same person. Before I knew it, I was having a hard time connecting with women and people in general. I was too selfish. A lot of the information out there on the internet can be poison. I had skewed perception on relationships and being a man and was a low-key misogynist at some point. Ultimately, the relationship I had was built on this made-up character based on skewed information and shitty advice from the internet. It wasn't a great relationship and I practically gave up on love at this point.

After taking a long break and much needed self-reflection, there is one thing I realized and learned through previous experiences with love. As an adult, the playing field changes. The same passive version of me in high school who let things happen and having the mindset of not seeking love is not going to work. However, being obsessed with seeking love will do you no good as well, you lose focus on the bigger picture of life and adds unnecessary stress. I'm currently with my current girlfriend for a solid three years now and I can say that this feels just right. It doesn't have the same first love feeling and I'm not even tripping. It also isn't based on false character based on skewed information. It feels mature. We understand that we are adults and that life is short. We have our own mission in life and aspirations to go for. At the same time we understand the importance of companionship and support. We grow together. So instead of being the naive little high school boy I was with being drunk in love or being too obsessed with being the man and being overly selfish, I found the balance.

Going on my first point. The best advice is truly is no advice. Foresight teaches gently; error teaches brutally. I like the brutal way. It made me into the person today and made me understand love and relationships more. It gave me wisdom. Just go out there and experience life and love. Experiment different stuff. You gotta learn to fall before you can stand up. Ignore the advice on the internet and seek the knowledge yourself. You may not experience the same trials I went through and the things I took away from it. You may gain similar insights but the things you take away from your experiences are all yours. Nothing can take it away from you and it will make you into a better person.
Wow, this post hit me pretty hard. My intuition tells me to try more with this girl and see where things go. But i'm also hesitating... I guess it's worth it to learn the hard way, rather than the easy way.
 

Stratos

Banned deucer.
#48
if you've already got the dinner scheduled, you may as well go imo... as long as you're not paying for her food. What else were you going to do with your time? Just don't schedule anything else.
 
#49
if you've already got the dinner scheduled, you may as well go imo... as long as you're not paying for her food. What else were you going to do with your time? Just don't schedule anything else.
Well, we agreed to it a couple of days ago, but I'm pretty sure she'll forget about it. She's gotten a lot slower at replying to me as well (I'm sure she's busy, but I'm busy too and always find time to reply to people, so idk).

If she somehow responds, I'm just going to confirm our dinner and not bother talking to her until that day. We've been texting for so long that our conversations have gotten pretty boring, lol.

And no, I'm definitely not paying for her food!
 

Walrein

seize the memes of production
is a Community Contributor
Mafia Champion
#50
I'm kind of in the same boat as NixHex here - me and my current GF of little over a year started off as friends before mutually developing feelings for each other - so idk how useful my advice is gonna be as far as actually getting into a relationship is concerned.

Regarding viperGTS's situation, my gut instinct is to say that this other guy may be a longtime friend that she almost-but-not-quite dated or dated for an extremely short period of time before they went back to being friends. The reason I say this with pseudo-confidence is that my previous relationship prior to this one was very much that (yes i have a bad habit of dating my friends shut up), and it CAN be kind of hard/awkward to explain over text message. If it's anything like my situation, she may feel guilty that she's still hanging out with this person who from your point of view could be considered an ex, but who she may not see as such, and thus would prefer to explain it to you in person.

Try not to let this whole situation keep you down. I can see why this would make you nervous but you're going to have a much better time if you can relax and be at ease with yourself.
 

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