Serious Falling In Love

ethan06

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#1
I can't believe this isn't a thread here already, this seems like such a universal problem for so many people and I'd have expected something like this to have been covered at least once by someone - according to the search bar, that's not the case. This has been a fairly recent development for me; this girl in my course at uni has been kicking around in my head for almost a month now, involving herself somehow in practically every thought I have and taking up a lot of my attention. Now, I'm a pretty shy person: I was the weird kid at high school, and despite having a year of experience at uni already (where I fit in a lot more easily) I'm still feeling my way around as far as social skills go. My track record with romance is nil, and given that I'm going to be spending the next three years with this girl while I get my degree, I really don't want to screw up.

Anyway, that's my personal issue; I'd really like some guidance and advice from anyone, especially the older guys, who has experience with falling in love, getting a girlfriend/boyfriend and having it all work out I guess, but aside from that, is anyone else in the same boat I am? Success stories? Horror stories? Love thread <3
 
#2
I'd just say make sure this isn't just a passing stage of infatuation; drop a few hints and see what her response is first before I'd say doing anything more...showy I guess?
 
#3
Funny that OP describes this as a 'problem'. I've fallen in love several times throughout my life, and it every time resulted into a relationship - either short or long term. Love only becomes a problem when you completely lose track of yourself, and do things you don't want to do (or vice versa). I only noticed this with my current girlfriend. This is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. She's literally everything I want a person to be, and we've been together for quite a while now. I can't imagine myself with another person. The love I have for her sometimes causes me to lose myself. But I know when to draw a line and when to snap back to reality.

TL;DR: If you're able to stay reasonable and have control over your emotions, love is golden.
 

ethan06

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#4
Eh, I suppose I have a fairly pessimistic outlook on this sort of thing, given that I've never really had a level of success with asking people out and bonding romantically in general. I guess the 'problem' is that I don't expect anything to happen and therefore the whole process feels like a distraction, which is kind of the opposite of forfeiting all control and reason to it. What would you say has made you so consistently successful? Was it luck, or a good judgement of character, or pure charm on your part? I'm really lost on this one.
 
#5
I see your point. But if you don't expect anything to happen, then why do you try asking/bonding in the first place..?

Edit: To answer your question, on my part, I don't really know what it was. I've always been myself, which is a relaxed tolerating guy who doesn't expect a lot. Prefers it when a girl is into art/culture/music, but not a big deal if not. At least, this is how I see myself and how others see me. Maybe you see me differently.

Judging by what I just typed, I think it's a combination of the things you mentioned. When I'd have to judge my own appearance, I'd rate myself 7.5/8.0 out of 10. But this is only generally speaking, judging by nowadays' social constructs. Every person is different, and thus every person has a different taste and opinion.
 
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ethan06

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#6
I'm trying to break free of that mentality I guess. A lot of it is just remnants from my time at school, where I was much more shy and less likely to reach out to people. Here at uni, among like-minded people with whom I identify far more than my high school peers, I'm much more confident than I used to be, to the point where I'm willing to give it a try. However, old habits die hard :s
 
#7
Good for you! I definitely encourage you to use that confidence, go out and just do it. You might fail, yes, but that's what you learn from. And if a girl really completely judges you on how you approach her at first and doesn't look past that, she's probably not someone you want to be with. Most importantly, keep your head up and do not lose yourself. If you don't want to certain things, don't do them. Don't behave differently than you normally would, because not only are you tricking yourself, you're also tricking to girl into liking someone you're not.

But this is only my point of view. Different people have different approaches, which will attract different types of people. Like to be fucking stupid and play hard 2 get? Sure, but that's your thing. Both you and I know that it makes no sense.
 
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#8
1. Be yourself! A faker can be spotted from a mile away.
2. If you start to lose interest, be honest about it! We aren't there to waste our time either.
3. The deeper you fall, the less rational you become. Do not let this cloud your judgement! Drinks at 5AM during finals week are never a good idea. (Take it from me.)
4. Don't be afraid. The worst thing you could do would be to not say anything at all. Don't stare from afar the entire time :)
5. Don't get cocky. This is pretty much a given.
6. A little goes a long way. Smile at them. Appreciate the small things they do. Take them to places that you would normally overlook. So what if that food truck is a little odd looking? Maybe it'll be a hilarious story to tell your family.
7. Go slow. Don't rush into something that neither of you are prepared for. Give yourselves space to breathe, think, and more importantly; feel.
8. Know when to take a break. If things seem tense or awkward, try getting up for a quick breather. Come back with a new, happier attitude. It's always something I love to see in a guy. The less you dwell on something, the easier it gets!
9. Why are you nervous? Ask yourself this. Is it because they're the only person you want to have beside you? Is it because you find them to be the most radiant person in the room? Write it down and give it to them later. They'll love it. (I did this to my boyfriend of 5 years on our anniversary)
10. Finally, know that it's okay to be rejected. While it may hurt at the moment, all wounds heal with time.

Best of luck to you,
Jaden :heart:
 
#12
Alright, so from the top, if you haven't actually talked to her, go talk to her! If it's a big class, try and sit with her and talk about the class or some small talk. If you've already talk to her a few times, then make sure you get her number soon. If you've talked a few times already then asking for her number isn't difficult. Establishing a texting relationship can be helpful in your overall bond with her. But don't make it solely a phone relationship. If you do see/talk to her on a regular basis, pay attention to how she acts around you and more importantly whether she mentions a guy she's seeing/dating already. I tend to be oblivious to hints so if you think that there's even slight interest, keep that in mind, though definitely try and not come off too strong (like saying I love you on the first date or something). Don't be afraid of rejection though. It just holds you back from asking at all. There are a lot of girls at Uni (at least where I go) so if she doesn't end up being the one for you, don't fret. Have fun!
 
#13
I was in a similar position to the OP's not too long ago so I figure I'll share my story. I too was the 'weird' kid in highschool - didn't have too many friends, and my hobbies (Videogames, Pokemon, DS) were looked down on and didn't allow me to meet new people. I was a studious kid, to put it politely, and I didn't pay much attention to the opposite sex: I just focused on my studies (STEM, natch.) and thought romance distracting and unnecessary. While other boys my age would think of girls, kissing them and having sex, well I was coming up with cool ideas for Apps, thinking about C++ problems like Recursion and For Loops, using lifehacks and LifeProTips to make my life more efficient, etc. Girls were the absolute last thing on my mind.

That all changed when in my second year of college I watched the anime Toradora... suddenly I realized that I was 20 years old and still a vergin, and what's more that I had never even kissed a girl on the lips. I realized that I needed to get a GF fast before I became embittered by lovelessness. I tried my best; I made OKCupid and Tinder accounts; I switched my deodorant to Old Spice Swagger; I went to events at my college such as Trivia Night and Karaoke Night; I got new clothes from JCrew; but I still couldn't approach a woman to save my life, and if I plucked up the courage to start a conversation with one, I wouldn't know what to talk about. Soon I entered depression

One day I confided all this in a friend. He looked at me with a very serious expression and said "Eustace, you have 2 options: either you become an MGTOW, or you take the red pill"

I chose the red pill. I chose power. I chose the truth. I chose to pull back the curtains put up by the Feminist/SJW politically correct "culture", the same culture that's resulted in plastic that leaches Estrogen into our water supply so that men can be systematically feminized and the concept of masculinity destroyed. And I'm glad of it. (Don't believe me? http://www.infowars.com/are-boys-turning-in-to-girls-because-of-man-made-chemicals/)

That's all I'm gonna say for now since I don't want to get attacked by SJW harpies. But if you're interested in learning more about the red pill, leave a message on my profile and we can talk.
 

ethan06

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#14
oh jesus christ the firebot brigade is here

Yes, I've spoken to her, she's polite and friendly and I'm able to convey to her reasonably complex ideas in reasonably complex vocabulary without losing my train of thought or stuttering or something so that's okay. Unless she's hiding her relationship very well she's single. We go to a music school so there's plenty of opportunity to impress her so no worries there. I'm just sort of attempting to play it cool rn as I get to know her better :s
 
#17
Regardless of the truism being true or not (I don't think it's true, but YMMV), I don't think it applies here because OP is interested in a specific person, not just seeking companionship in general. If they were ever going to get together, at least one of them would have to ask the other out.

I guess the 'problem' is that I don't expect anything to happen and therefore the whole process feels like a distraction, which is kind of the opposite of forfeiting all control and reason to it.
This seems like a contradiction to me! From the introductory post you sound pretty head-over-heels infatuated. Maybe you don't expect a relationship to arise out of it, but you're definitely heavily invested in it. It doesn't sound to me like you want it to go away, either? I apologise if I'm misreading your posts, but it seems you're interested in how to pursue this, or at least things to consider when considering whether to pursue or drop it.

The information you've given is pretty generic—the fact you're in constant proximity means regular opportunities to interact and bond, and develop that into a more extracurricular friendship and/or ask her out. But it's impossible to really read what's in her head or even in yours from what you've written, I guess? Not a qualified psychic. So, from what you have written:

I'm just sort of attempting to play it cool rn as I get to know her better
This is a decent general approach, depending on what playing it cool means. You want to get more comfortable with each other naturally, not distance yourself or play hard to get, not go overboard. Showing sincere interest in her as a person isn't a bad thing here, it's just about keeping things proportionate to the time you've known each other and the situations in which you're interacting, and being mutually comfortable. I'm not telling you to go up and compliment her appearance every day, nor stalk her to her dorms, but it's perfectly okay to tell someone when the opportunity arises they're cool or you want to get to know her better, or thanks for hanging out because it was fun and you enjoy her company (examples of comments that might be appropriate depending on casualness and amount of people in situation), because you do. The kind of grounds you're on dictates the boundaries, but in general the only way to get closer to someone is to try and see if they're interested too, and that applies as much for developing (emphasis: developing) an acquaintance into a friendship as it does into a relationship. It's hard to be affectionate and know how much affection is okay, and again very much depends on the person, but mutual affection (and this is anything from laughing and smiling to compliments/gestures of caring as well as physical affection: personal comfort on both your parts) promotes closeness.

And the thing is, you can put in as much effort as you like (and you should put in effort!), but nothing will happen unless she puts in effort too. But the more you get to know each other and the more it's evident she's comfortable around you and the more (hopefully) you hang out outside of class, etc., the more evident it will be whether she likes spending time with you or not.

As a person with severe social anxiety who left HS because of harassment—picking up on those types of social cues implicitly is terrifying, especially when you're primarily initiating. It opens up potential for insecurity and overanalysis: does she really even want to spend a second of the day with me, etc. Honestly, you can pretty much take it at face value, you learn to trust again. If someone wants to see you, they'll express it in the way natural to them. But the only way you can learn to do it is by experiencing those situations, interacting with more people, getting to know people as very variable so that you will learn to implicitly set a balance between adapting to get along with them and holding your ground as a person. Learned behaviour is based off learned experiences. Similarly, learned experiences can be subverted (I'm in therapy for this, lol). I understand from what you've posted you're growing into your own a little at your college as you test the waters, and that's good.

Some things are gonna suck, probably, but try to consciously internalise that college isn't inherently the same as high school, the people at your college aren't necessarily the same as at high school, you aren't the same person as you were then even maybe, or maybe the things that made you 'weird' then are fine now with different presentation or around different people, things can change and be different, recognise that those experiences now where you are developing confidence and feel honestly that you can impress are going to be as formative as those experiences in high school where you were rejected and felt alienated. And as much as there is alienation in society, shutting everyone out can only increase it; it's natural and okay to have boundaries, but learning to let people in and to seek people out is the only way to combat alienation.

There's no universal approach because people react differently to everything. This depends on you building knowledge of her, and vice versa, to converse with her. Some people hate talking about themselves, other people fucking love it and will super enjoy it if you ask them questions about themselves, some people it depends. Some people want to be asked their opinions on some things. I have no clue what the relationship between you is like, but I guess: try to move the relationship out of the classroom at a pace that is comfortable for you and her (even in groups initially). You have school and the school area and a host of mutual acquaintances and probably mutual interests to bond over, after all. The better you know her, the more honestly you can say you really like her, of course (not doubting that you are very interested in her).

So I can't give you any wonder advice sorry... but hopefully I gave you some things to think about, and some encouragement, because I think you're probably on the right track but need reinforcement and support, and maybe some advice sometimes on things where you're unsure or might be approaching it wrong (so post anything you're unsure about?).

I think there is something you are wrong about, for example: yes, you will probably be in the same program as her for three years, but 'screwing up' comes in many degrees and doesn't have to be permanent. You could do something really scary and transgress her boundaries in a way that makes her think you're a creep and then it's up to her whether she's cool... but that's probably not likely as long as you keep it in perspective, + same as for anyone (e.g. don't seriously offend and so on). If she rejects you, accept it and move forward; there's still the possibility of her being friends, and her getting to know you better. Maybe you'll move on while she's still getting to know you, and you'll both just end up friends and happy with that. Realistically: maybe she'll never be interested in you, but you'll end up with a super cool friend and get over the crush, or end up with someone else in your program or area. Doesn't mean you screwed up or lost, nothing permanent or irrevocable about it.

It helps if you're doing other things in your life though, and not constantly obsessing over her—not to just impress or even to be interesting to her, or even to give her space (although this is good because you have a year of uni on her and everything is gonna be new and exciting to her so sometimes, like, she's gonna wanna do other shit, let's be real), but also to enjoy your school experience and to give yourself perspective. For you, basically.

P.S. We used to have a relationship advice megathread, but it seems to have died in my absence.
 

Stratos

Banned deucer.
#18
if you're looking for love you'll never find it
the sentiment behind this makes sense. Love is prioritizing somebody else over yourself, in other words it's basically just selflessness, but "looking for love" is an inherently selfish act where you decide you want something and thus prioritize your own interests. Where this falls down is the assumption that two people who initially meet for selfish reasons cannot develop a selfless relationship, and most people with happily married grandparents can confirm to themselves that this is indeed not the case. (stereotyping hard here but whatever). sure toradora may be my favorite love story of all time and if you luck into one like that then good for you, but i really think that kind of thing is in the small minority.

As for myself, basically where I am right now is I've decided I don't really belong in a relationship. As I said, love is all about selflessness—and as a selfish, lazy, inconsiderate layabout I really think anyone who was in a relationship with me would be getting gipped. And even when I'm not being so pragmatic and start to think about asking girls out, I run into the complete dead end of what would I even do if she said yes? My hobbies are programming, Pokemon, Melee, rock climbing, board gaming and anime. What are the odds of having anything to talk about or enjoy together?
 
#20
Falling in love? I've had 3 bad relationships that ruined my dating life.

Danïell[Welsh Transfer in my High School]: She was all super popular and all that jazz, but she liked me, and I didn't like her. Manly because she was a nitwit but was told she was "sooo smart". One day she talked to me, and she was all like " hey, I heard you like mudkips [smiley face]". And uhh, I guess I was all hardcore pokemon at the time, but I was currently really in to music and stuff at the time. She kept talking to me. Everyday. Then, out of nowhere, asked me out. Confusing, right? Month later, boom. Breaks up. Tells everybody i tortured her with pokemon and said terrible jokes about girls, but the truth was I said to her the day before she told the lie, I said I didn't want to date. She had easy coverage on her rumor. So I was made fun of at school, lots. I was called "Dweeb" a lot, but I was actually quite popular, so people knew me and told me why I did that. Terrible.

Vanessa [I got her after Danïell]: She liked me lots at the time, so much she told everybody how funny I was, but then came the sad part. Cheated on me. Ouch. She still told everyone about me, but soon she slipped up one day. I knew she was cheating on me, but she said I already knew, and she was doing that because I was cheating. What????? Broke up. Cried, told everyone I was mean, and stuck to me in college. Still sad about this one.

[Name not specified for good reasons]: Well, she was like Danïell and Vanessa combined, but even more worse. Hot stuff, cheated on me TWICE, told everyone I was a fool and said she never did it. And I believed her... So, not only that, but she began gossiping so harshly my friends told me all they could get. It hurt bad. I broke up, and shtold everyone, rubbed it in my face that her new boyfriend was sooooo much better.

TL;DR: Don't pick bad girls, if you think they are the best for you, go for it. I believe in you rainbow Solrock. :)
 
#22
Taking notes from certain things said in this thread. I'm not really "looking for love" nor am I in love but I can't even really approach a girl and start a conversation. I know I'm pretty damn young and I know that I don't need a girlfriend but the fact that I can't even start a conversation with a girl is pretty sad imo. I'm also the "socially awkward nerd" type kid. My hobbies include: Videogames, anime, and sports(both watching and playing). That sounds like the perfect definition of the awkward kid. I was homeschooled up until freshman year last year and ,as a result, I had no real communication with people outside of church youth group. I'm still kinda mad at my parents about that but it's w/e. Anyway, that's why I'm really shy and awkward around new people ,especially girls. I'm saying this because I could use some help on how to communicate easily with girls so that when the time comes, I wouldn't be so awkward and nervous about it
 
#23
Taking notes from certain things said in this thread. I'm not really "looking for love" nor am I in love but I can't even really approach a girl and start a conversation. I know I'm pretty damn young and I know that I don't need a girlfriend but the fact that I can't even start a conversation with a girl is pretty sad imo. I'm also the "socially awkward nerd" type kid. My hobbies include: Videogames, anime, and sports(both watching and playing). That sounds like the perfect definition of the awkward kid. I was homeschooled up until freshman year last year and ,as a result, I had no real communication with people outside of church youth group. I'm still kinda mad at my parents about that but it's w/e. Anyway, that's why I'm really shy and awkward around new people ,especially girls. I'm saying this because I could use some help on how to communicate easily with girls so that when the time comes, I wouldn't be so awkward and nervous about it
Tbf man you're setting yourself up for failure by allowing your past to mess with your future. By saying things like "I was homeschooled" and "My hobbies make me classified as socially akward" you're already setting yourself up for failure! I personally wasn't homeschooled so I don't completely understand how that transition goes but I was fairly shy during my first couple of years in highschool but at some point you just have to say fuck it and put yourself out there. You just have to understand that there's no formula or set process that people go through to get women or whatever honestly the best advice I can give you is to put yourself out there on the market for all those thirsty womens and just don't worry about those social crutches
 
#24
Tbf man you're setting yourself up for failure by allowing your past to mess with your future. By saying things like "I was homeschooled" and "My hobbies make me classified as socially akward" you're already setting yourself up for failure! I personally wasn't homeschooled so I don't completely understand how that transition goes but I was fairly shy during my first couple of years in highschool but at some point you just have to say fuck it and put yourself out there. You just have to understand that there's no formula or set process that people go through to get women or whatever honestly the best advice I can give you is to put yourself out there on the market for all those thirsty womens and just don't worry about those social crutches
But my past is relevant to explain my present troubles. It's not that easy. It's not just a decision you fan make and suddenly start doing. "Oh, I'll start being more social!" That's not how it works. It's a struggle to adapt. Because of how awkward and shy I was brought up, it remains a problem. I want to change but just deciding all of a sudden and saying "fuck it" isn't what happens ,as much as I wish it was.
 
#25
But my past is relevant to explain my present troubles. It's not that easy. It's not just a decision you fan make and suddenly start doing. "Oh, I'll start being more social!" That's not how it works. It's a struggle to adapt. Because of how awkward and shy I was brought up, it remains a problem. I want to change but just deciding all of a sudden and saying "fuck it" isn't what happens ,as much as I wish it was.
Speaking as someone who is shy, quiet and awkward and has been as long as I can remember, it's definitely a matter of practice, just talking to ppl and getting used to it. Instead of worrying about getting into conversations, just put yourself in situations where you can't help but get into conversations. I've found my job is pretty good in that regard, idk what it'd be for you. There's also online stuff where you can talk to ppl and if it's awkward you never have to interact with them again. Idk, not sure how effective that latter idea is but who knows

Edit: I have no idea how to romance lol
 

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