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Today is an important day to me, not only because it's my birthday but today I decided to come out as bi to fam/friends, as I'll be moving out soon and wanted to get this off my chest since it's been tormenting me for quite a while, and the results being positive (especially from my friends who were very supportive of me) were honestly a surprise to me and I feel relieved rn. I've grown to think it was wrong to be who I was, and that coupled with emotional abuse from my now late mother contributed to me being a more reserved person overtime, always keeping things to myself to pretend I was ok when I was not in fact, and consequently trying to suppress my own self for one too many times, so it has been difficult for me in the past years but I'm happy it worked out in the end, and I can only thank those of you who influenced my life in any imaginable way, for being the wonderful people you are. To my queer friends I wish you all good luck, I know it can be tough but it'll get better soon, stay strong and keep fighting.
hi, i’m blace! i'm coming out as biromantic/bisexual.
i remember that when i was younger, when i found out about sexual orientations, i realized that i was bi - my much younger self recognized that there's nothing wrong with liking more than one gender, and that's what felt perfect for me.
however, i became afraid of the reactions that i would receive for coming out and simply being bi, so i hid this part of me deep down inside. i wanted to detach from it and forget about it, because it thought it wasn't important and that i can just force myself to be straight. and so, i did.
but of course, your identity is something that's important and as i grew older, i realized that i needed to face my sexuality. and so, i did!
after a lot of contemplation, i came to the conclusion that i am indeed bi and don't need to be afraid to be myself. this is what makes me happy, this is what makes me me, and i'm going to embrace it.
coming out to my parents will be so difficult that it might never happen, but i'm proud that i can come to terms with myself despite their teachings. i've struggled with mental health for so long and i'm finally starting to accept and love myself. it's a long road, but i want to make it out. as an intersectional individual, there are so many hurdles for me to overcome, and i’ll face them with my all.
i had a deeply personal and hard conversation today with someone dear to me and i'm glad i was able to work it out with them. i would like to thank 100%GXErumiaStitChuu and pannuracotta for helping me through such a difficult time. i love you guys.
coincidentally, this is my 100th post. thank you for being such a lovely community, in the near-year that i've been here, you've all helped me grow and become a far better person than i was before i met all of you. a thousand thanks and more to all my friends - you're lovely people.
to my fellow LGBTQ+: i wish you all well. you are all beautiful and strong individuals who deserve love and respect, from both ourselves and others, and these are things that we should never be scared to demand, for we should never be denied it in the first place. it's a difficult journey, i'm sure that we'll overcome these hardships together and support each other along the way. please feel free to message me on smogon or discord to talk.
i'm here for you and you are loved.
"there's not a destination, we don't end. it's about constantly becoming."
- dahc dermur viii
im not a huge fan of doing this publicly but i think it will help me get more comfortable in my own skin openly admitting/coming to terms with it so im kinda forcing myself to do this! im just here to say that im genderfluid, still kind of figuring out if this is truly what i want in terms of gender expression/identity but this is the step in the right direction i think for myself for now. just had to get it off my chest.
it still feels weird saying it out loud but i prefer he/she pronouns, with a slight preference for she over he atm, but i really don't care all that much :). i had at first believed i was trans but i made the right decision to just wait it out and see how i feel at a later date and what i am really comfortable with. i feel most comfortable with being genderfluid but who knows, maybe this will change at some other point. i can tell this is definitely not the end of my identity journey but its partway there!
i will say it was more so really hard for me to come to this conclusion for myself since i have a lot of internal homophobia from my upbringing. this made me question my identity a lot, even when i considered myself gay at 14. a lot of "is this really who i am"/"this isnt me" and a lot of denial happened. it happened again when i realized recently a few months ago i was likely genderfluid/not entirely male, so i was like wait, this feels familiar! anyway, to anyone else who doubts their identity for similar reasons i have, how do you guys get through it? this shit is hard. for ex. everytime im asked my gender on some official form (doctor stuff, college applications) now, i hesitate what to put because of my recent revelation. i always just kind of panic and put male because its what i feel is societally expected of me to do and what my family expects me to put on there if that makes sense. im just ignoring that aspect of it for now and just trying to flourish in a new identity that im exploring but god its hard. especially when im still under my parents roof but im moving out next year so hopefully that will let me express myself in a way that comforts me. good luck to my other lgbtq+ friends who are going through the same sort of issues, we got this!!
a lot of people kinda guided me through my thoughts and let me talk about my feelings so ty to gum km mushamu and lily, i appreciate you all alot more than i can put it into words, seriously! this is probably weird for my friends who i havent talked to about it to see now considering this is pretty out of the blue but whateva
Recently I've been wondering if I was demiromantic. I've only ever had a romantic interest in two people, my childhood friend who at the time of writing this post I have known for 13 years (she and I are now dating), and another dude who I've known for around 7 years at the time of my interest in him. After speaking to my friends, most of whom aren't in the LGBTQ+ community, they all thought it was a clear case of being demiromantic. I'm not so sure though, which is why I'd like to ask you people for your input.
Recently I've been wondering if I was demiromantic. I've only ever had a romantic interest in two people, my childhood friend who at the time of writing this post I have known for 13 years (she and I are now dating), and another dude who I've known for around 7 years at the time of my interest in him. After speaking to my friends, most of whom aren't in the LGBTQ+ community, they all thought it was a clear case of being demiromantic. I'm not so sure though, which is why I'd like to ask you people for your input.
I wouldn't get too hung up on labels. Everyone's experience of love is different and I think it's honestly better to interrogate your feelings of romantic attraction on your own terms, rather than letting a homogenizing label do the work for you. You may find yourself being more easily attracted to others later down the line, in which case investing yourself in an identity label like 'demiromantic' only serves to make your feelings more confusing, perhaps even obstructing your acknowledgement of those romantic feelings as such because they do not fit in with experience you're supposed to have according to said identity label. Some identity labels are more useful than others of course, for example identifying as gay or trans makes sense because homosexual and transgender people often face discrimination and institutional oppression, meaning they have a clear shared struggle that binds them socially and politically. To openly identify as transgender, although it comes with its own risks, can also provide one with a feeling of community and solidarity with other trans people who share similar experiences to one's own. Labels such as demiromantic, on the other hand, pertain mostly to your own self-understanding rather than how you are seen and treated in society. Not being as romantically inclined as others can come with its own set of problems, of course, but not every experience of feeling marginal is necessarily connected to oppression.
In other words, whether or not you identify as demiromantic should ultimately only come down to the question if you think it helps to think of yourself that way, and from personal experience and observation of those around me I would argue that usually it is better not to tie yourself down to a label too much (this post discusses the problems with self-identification in more depth, I recommend it). In any case, if you're unsure if this label fits with you, don't let others decide for you what you are and what you are not. I hope this post helped, if you have further questions or anything is unclear to you feel free to ask.
There's something that needs to be said while I'm on a roll with posts tonight. I'll just cut straight to the chase. I was raised in an almost entirely conservative environment that isn't exactly "phobic" of anything (although I have seen my fair share of stinkers too), but while I myself am as straight as they come, I need to say one little tiny thing.
Conversations about people's sexual orientations have become way, WAY too politicized and religious.
It honestly drives me insane. It's quite a shame, too, because even if I myself don't follow the orientation someone else does, the community you have here has some really nice people in it, and what right do I have to force my beliefs onto other people? On top of being raised in a conservative environment, I was also raised in an old-fashioned Christian environment as well. From what I've been able to tell, there are significantly more toxic Christians that I'd rather not be associated with than there are toxic people in the LGBTQ+ community. There's a reason we hear the word "homophobic" all the time and never hear "straight-phobic".
I would like to think that, while I agree with many of, if not all of the Christian philosophies I was born believing, I am mature enough to understand that something or someone, in the Christian's case being who we call God, gave us this neat little thing called free will. Toxic Christians and corrupt conservatives I get to hear the full blast of often times fail to recognize that this doesn't have to be a political matter at all. Do I have my opinions on "how many genders there are" and "male and female marriage" and whatnot? Of course I do. But do I want to be the kind of servant who insists on judging others when the very book that we use for worship LITERALLY says to not judge others and let God take care of things? Freaking hypocrites, Christians can be.
No, absolutely not. It gives me a sense of relief to get these things off of my chest. I'm trying to get better at keeping other people in my prayers (more specifically being better at prayer in general but this isn't the thread for that). I wish to try and do the same for all of you. As for the political side of this... again, does it really matter? Republican, Democrat, Independent, Libertarian... the United States in particular fails to recognize that we all share the fact that we are human. I can't help but wonder how things are in other countries.
So long as the existence of a group of people is questioned by a large (sometimes larger) group of others, it will remain political. One of the core aims of the decentralised LGBT+ movement is acceptance, which comes with the aim of eventually having it not be this way. Is that unfeasible and naïve? At this point in time, yes, but it's a good goal to strive for if we're talking decades of persistent reinforcement.
It's unfortunately been very political for a very long time, and to combat the erasure and censorship of our existence, it has to be fought in turn. The movement's beginnings were political; records of advocacy in English-speaking countries date back to the 18th century. Think of how if you stay quiet against a bully in school, that bully will take over your life...I feel like we would be long dead if we sat down and kept taking it. I mean, people want us dead. In the US, "trans panic" has been used as a legitimate defence for crimes in courts, which I can only describe as a special kind of messed up.
This hasn't just randomly come up; the increased presence of, well, any minority on the internet in the past decade has just made the conversations more visible. Back before the internet even existed, these conversations were still being had, but depending on your upbringing, they weren't always visible. It's a bit of a "culture shock" to the uninitiated a lot of the time. "Wow, you have to argue this all the time?", yep! Sometimes daily! You get used to it!
So while it's unfortunate that it has to be this way, minority stress is out in force and it truly has to be acted on. Otherwise, that's how genocides occur. Keep in mind, it is quite literally a matter of existence. There is no other way to really deal with it. Appeasement is the same as accepting that you don't exist in a lot of respects. Repression is not an answer.
This definitely doesn't encompass everything, but I hope it helps explain why it's like this.
this is a precious thread and i am happy to see it
reminder that you are not being dishonest if you have not yet come out to family members you don't normally see, but whom you will be seeing around the holidays. you don't owe anyone your true self, that is always yours to give if you choose to do so!! you are valid presenting however makes you feel safest and most secure until the topsy-turvyness has gone back to normal <3
So long as the existence of a group of people is questioned by a large (sometimes larger) group of others, it will remain political. One of the core aims of the decentralised LGBT+ movement is acceptance, which comes with the aim of eventually having it not be this way. Is that unfeasible and naïve? At this point in time, yes, but it's a good goal to strive for if we're talking decades of persistent reinforcement.
It's unfortunately been very political for a very long time, and to combat the erasure and censorship of our existence, it has to be fought in turn. The movement's beginnings were political; records of advocacy in English-speaking countries date back to the 18th century. Think of how if you stay quiet against a bully in school, that bully will take over your life...I feel like we would be long dead if we sat down and kept taking it. I mean, people want us dead. In the US, "trans panic" has been used as a legitimate defence for crimes in courts, which I can only describe as a special kind of messed up.
This hasn't just randomly come up; the increased presence of, well, any minority on the internet in the past decade has just made the conversations more visible. Back before the internet even existed, these conversations were still being had, but depending on your upbringing, they weren't always visible. It's a bit of a "culture shock" to the uninitiated a lot of the time. "Wow, you have to argue this all the time?", yep! Sometimes daily! You get used to it!
So while it's unfortunate that it has to be this way, minority stress is out in force and it truly has to be acted on. Otherwise, that's how genocides occur. Keep in mind, it is quite literally a matter of existence. There is no other way to really deal with it. Appeasement is the same as accepting that you don't exist in a lot of respects. Repression is not an answer.
This definitely doesn't encompass everything, but I hope it helps explain why it's like this.
Just now reading this post but wanted to add there’s also the fact that an entire generation of people was lost during the AIDS pandemic. Pandemic, by the way, is the appropriate categorization rather than epidemic—the US was arguably the political epicenter, but whole era had global repercussions we still feel to this day. This lost generation, as dramatic as it sounds, also means lost middle-age mentorship opportunities for the generation that now has to play catch up, which has resulted in us working twice as hard. It can come across as “overpoliticization” and overcompensation, but it‘s quite literally because we have a gap in Queer history that is impossible to fill, but we try.
Fishy said:
reminder that you are not being dishonest if you have not yet come out to family members you don't normally see, but whom you will be seeing around the holidays. you don't owe anyone your true self, that is always yours to give if you choose to do so!! you are valid presenting however makes you feel safest and most secure until the topsy-turvyness has gone back to normal <3
Big this. I used to feel like visiting my pretty-conservative family in Florida twice a year (literally the only reason to ever see them was Thanksgiving and to celebrate my ancient great-great grandmother before she died at 100 lol) was always a moment to put my walls up and saturate my personality. It took a few years of experience, maturing, and therapy to realize that family sometimes loves a version of you that you’ve outgrown, but they don’t realize that until you make it clear to them. If you have to hide parts of yourself to survive, that’s one thing, and there’s nothing wrong with it. The growth done in private makes it well worth it.
im not a huge fan of doing this publicly but i think it will help me get more comfortable in my own skin openly admitting/coming to terms with it so im kinda forcing myself to do this! im just here to say that im genderfluid, still kind of figuring out if this is truly what i want in terms of gender expression/identity but this is the step in the right direction i think for myself for now. just had to get it off my chest.
it still feels weird saying it out loud but i prefer he/she pronouns, with a slight preference for she over he atm, but i really don't care all that much :). i had at first believed i was trans but i made the right decision to just wait it out and see how i feel at a later date and what i am really comfortable with. i feel most comfortable with being genderfluid but who knows, maybe this will change at some other point. i can tell this is definitely not the end of my identity journey but its partway there!
i will say it was more so really hard for me to come to this conclusion for myself since i have a lot of internal homophobia from my upbringing. this made me question my identity a lot, even when i considered myself gay at 14. a lot of "is this really who i am"/"this isnt me" and a lot of denial happened. it happened again when i realized recently a few months ago i was likely genderfluid/not entirely male, so i was like wait, this feels familiar! anyway, to anyone else who doubts their identity for similar reasons i have, how do you guys get through it? this shit is hard. for ex. everytime im asked my gender on some official form (doctor stuff, college applications) now, i hesitate what to put because of my recent revelation. i always just kind of panic and put male because its what i feel is societally expected of me to do and what my family expects me to put on there if that makes sense. im just ignoring that aspect of it for now and just trying to flourish in a new identity that im exploring but god its hard. especially when im still under my parents roof but im moving out next year so hopefully that will let me express myself in a way that comforts me. good luck to my other lgbtq+ friends who are going through the same sort of issues, we got this!!
a lot of people kinda guided me through my thoughts and let me talk about my feelings so ty to gum km mushamu and lily, i appreciate you all alot more than i can put it into words, seriously! this is probably weird for my friends who i havent talked to about it to see now considering this is pretty out of the blue but whateva
after 6 months with a lot of talks with others and inspiration, i think im pretty ready and concrete in saying that im trans and would prefer to go by she/her pronouns only :). still really anxious typing this out in general but im finally happy with how i feel about being trans and my own identity, and glad to transition socially which is why im posting this here. reading through a lot of posts on this thread motivated me to come to terms with my identity and be confident about it (to a degree). so i have everyone in this thread to thank for that!
i didnt think id change my mind from genderfluid to fully trans but i think that me saying i was genderfluid was super copium so i could kinda bounce between male and female to avoid judgement from friends that dont agree with me being trans or wouldnt respect it. the more i thought about it the more i realized i had telltale signs of me being trans when i was a kid, and i would really like to fulfill that now, and i especially shouldnt surround myself with people who dont respect my identity. to the few people whove helped me through this i could not value your input and support more than i can put into words
after 6 months with a lot of talks with others and inspiration, i think im pretty ready and concrete in saying that im trans and would prefer to go by she/her pronouns only :). still really anxious typing this out in general but im finally happy with how i feel about being trans and my own identity, and glad to transition socially which is why im posting this here. reading through a lot of posts on this thread motivated me to come to terms with my identity and be confident about it (to a degree). so i have everyone in this thread to thank for that!
i didnt think id change my mind from genderfluid to fully trans but i think that me saying i was genderfluid was super copium so i could kinda bounce between male and female to avoid judgement from friends that dont agree with me being trans or wouldnt respect it. the more i thought about it the more i realized i had telltale signs of me being trans when i was a kid, and i would really like to fulfill that now, and i especially shouldnt surround myself with people who dont respect my identity. to the few people whove helped me through this i could not value your input and support more than i can put into words
i’m really happy for you, miss. while i’ve never explicitly identified as genderfluid, i’ve also “taken the copium” so to speak on identification and gender expression out of struggling with judgment, so i have some insight into how happy you must feel. go live your own life and surround yourself with people who respect you!
after 6 months with a lot of talks with others and inspiration, i think im pretty ready and concrete in saying that im trans and would prefer to go by she/her pronouns only :). still really anxious typing this out in general but im finally happy with how i feel about being trans and my own identity, and glad to transition socially which is why im posting this here. reading through a lot of posts on this thread motivated me to come to terms with my identity and be confident about it (to a degree). so i have everyone in this thread to thank for that!
i didnt think id change my mind from genderfluid to fully trans but i think that me saying i was genderfluid was super copium so i could kinda bounce between male and female to avoid judgement from friends that dont agree with me being trans or wouldnt respect it. the more i thought about it the more i realized i had telltale signs of me being trans when i was a kid, and i would really like to fulfill that now, and i especially shouldnt surround myself with people who dont respect my identity. to the few people whove helped me through this i could not value your input and support more than i can put into words
I wrote a couple paragraphs related to being trans but I don't know, I saved it but I'm not gonna post it for now just because I think the following problem might be more relatable, and is something you guys can talk about and maybe give me advice on. That being said, I don't think I've ever seen somebody talk about.
Basically, I really want to meet more queer people, both online and especially irl, but I find it really difficult because most of my hobbies and stuff are dominated by straight men, and are pretty obscure in the first place. The subset of being queer and being into stuff like competitive Smash or retro video game collecting seems basically nonexistent, and add on to the fact that I'm also a teen and in the middle of fucking Ohio, it's basically impossible.
Also, related to that, it's hard for me to like signal that I'm queer and have other queer people notice? I mean, it's sorta difficult to find people my age around my area that are queer and that I actually enjoy being around, but I've defiantly found a couple. The thing is, even with the couple that I've met, everybody is always super surprised when I mention I'm pansexual or might not be cis. I like the way I dress and how I act, but it feels like it's just not gay enough for other to notice? Like I either wear Sephiroth-looking boots or rainbow Vans with custom rainbow laces, how much gayer could I get? And I've been growing my hair out, partially to help with gender expression, and it's pretty long now, but it's also it's natural color so I guess it doesn't come off as queer? And I'm not trying to play into stereotypes but literally 4 out of 5 queer people at my school have died hair, but I like my natural hair color. So basically, as anyone else struggled with this, and does anyone have any advise on how to present more queer?
Thanks :)
WHEW chile, I go through this mental what-if game every day, but usually resolve to settling on “fuck it” and wearing whatever I want. If I ever go on campus or to a restaurant or shopping or something, my style falls somewhere between masculine and effeminate (i.e suggestive of femininity but maybe not always explicitly) so I’ll wear a roll-sleeve dress with African print, but paired with brown dress shoes that obviously aren’t meant to be worn that way, maybe a chain around the waist or as a necklace, and then I only have one ear pierced so I’ll wear something super exaggerated or dangly or a hoop or something. Since October 2021, I’ve kept my head shaved so the androgyny truly supersedes all else. I also am not afraid to color my hair, I’m just lazy as fuck so I don’t do it often at all, but I think that’s one of the easiest ways to throw a middle finger to others’ expectations of how you should express yourself, so starting there and then dressing your body like you dress your head might be a great in for you.
It's interesting that someone brought this up. Dressing visibly 'queer' can often be a lose-lose situation for the individual.
By dressing hyper-feminine as a transgender woman, you are a caricature and mocking what it means to be a woman. By not dressing hyper-feminine, you are a predatory man who is merely a grifter at best. We can reduce this to acts such as shaving and make-up too: You are pertaining to male fantasy by shaving your legs and emasculating yourself to the best of your ability, but you're also pertaining to a male fantasy by having traditionally masculine body hair on you as a trans woman.
Not my intention to redirect a seemingly innocuous conversation into something quite depressing, but it's something I've pondered on a lot. I will say that it is unfortunate for any queer person that the way they dress will determine how palpable they appear to others. If you are a gay man who dresses very conventionally, a straight woman is likely not going to pick you out as a safe, potential friend in a social setting; likewise, most men will automatically avoid you if you shed even a tiny bit of that precious masculinity by wearing something feminine.
Maybe you're reading this thinking I'm crazy and reading too deep into this, but being able to accessorise yourself with 'queer-coded' embellishments is likely a privilege, firstly because you may be in a safe area to do so, and secondly because you're likely trying to attract other like-minded individuals that exist and occupy that space you're in. This is something that I have noticed since leaving my catholic school to go to a city university, especially with the rise of queer fashion and its use of acting as a signifier being hijacked by TikTok and depop influencers. Those pearl necklaces...
What I will say is that don't jeopardise your safety or comfort for the sake of dressing 'queer'. For more people than you'd like to think it's a matter of violent assault or not. You can take baby steps to get where you want to. And if other people your age won't look twice at you unless you're gay'd up, they're probably not worth your time.
By dressing hyper-feminine as a transgender woman, you are a caricature and mocking what it means to be a woman. By not dressing hyper-feminine, you are a predatory man who is merely a grifter at best. We can reduce this to acts such as shaving and make-up too: You are pertaining to male fantasy by shaving your legs and emasculating yourself to the best of your ability, but you're also pertaining to a male fantasy by having traditionally masculine body hair on you as a trans woman.
I agree with everything you’ve said because this is an important conversation that’s grown in size in recent years. I just want to clarify that the examples here are usually stereotypes and have to do with the way others—typically those outside of the queer community—perceive people within it. These scenarios are heightened, “idealized” forms of queerness that are perpetuated by the male gaze. Just look at some of what you’ve mentioned: “a (man’s) caricature and mocking what it means to be a woman”; entertaining the “male fantasy” by presenting as either particularly feminine or traditionally masculine.
It is perpetually confusing and demoralizing to be any version of queer that isn’t “cis white gay male.” No matter what most queer people do, there are perspectives from the other side of the fence that want to fit us into a specific mold so we can be easily categorized. This just isn’t the truth about queerness—it’s impossible to categorize.
Queerness has been underground for longer than anyone can remember, and it’s really through pop cultural phenomenons that it has incubated and grown more resilient. From the insurgence of queer performance icons during the 30s/40s/50s like Gladys Bentley and Stormie DeLarverie and the Jewel Box Revue; to the Stonewall Riots in 1969; to the first Pride parades in the 70s; to the popularization of the underground ballroom scene in the 70s/80s/90s; to the revitalization of the drag scene in the last decade—the list goes on.
Each of these moments of resurfacing have had to happen for the queer community to grow the legs it has now. This is really only the FIRST time we can even have this conversation because the various “appearances of queerness” has never been something that could be investigated because none of the “appearances of queerness” have always been equally accepted historically. Now they’re all accepted to varying degrees depending where you live, so it’s still absolutely a privilege to be surrounded by the people that do accept them.
Not everyone is afforded this opportunity, so I agree with you wholeheartedly that in speaking in terms of presenting your queer identity on the outside, it is certainly not a monolith and can’t be reduced to universal terms.
Being a transgender girl is hard, really really hard. I've gone through massive amounts of transphobia, gender dysphoria, and sexism on a daily basis for the past one year and three months. It gets even worse when you try to do the right thing and stand up do these injustices, but are instead just met with further harassment. There are nights where I just break down and cry, begging to not have to put up with any of this awfulness anymore.
But I continue to do so and I always will.
Some people are awful and will try to ruin everything for you, but you can't let them win. Don't let the worst of the worst stop you from doing what makes you happy.
Despite everything I've mentioned, I wouldn't change a single thing for a moment. I love being a girl. I love all my friends. I love that I was able to follow my heart finally express myself the way I wanted to. Nothing makes me happier than being accepted as a woman.
The journey is tough, but the result is everything you ever could have wanted. I really want to encourage everyone who's frightened of what the LBGTQ+ path has in store to push forward -- I promise it's worth it in the end :)
I'll always be around to help anyone with anything on Discord at Sapphire#4133. My friends were the biggest reason why I was able to come out and I want everyone else to have the same support.
TO MY FRIENDS - thank you for being the reason I've stuck around for 2,000 posts on this website. I originally joined because I wanted to play competitive Pokemon, but I'm proud to say I've made some of my best friends here. I really do appreciate it all of you <3
This is a awesome thread let me introduce myself my name is Vincent but please call me Vince the 32 year old gay man so happy to be a part of the lgbtq+ community. Nice to meet you all.
It's interesting that someone brought this up. Dressing visibly 'queer' can often be a lose-lose situation for the individual.
By dressing hyper-feminine as a transgender woman, you are a caricature and mocking what it means to be a woman. By not dressing hyper-feminine, you are a predatory man who is merely a grifter at best. We can reduce this to acts such as shaving and make-up too: You are pertaining to male fantasy by shaving your legs and emasculating yourself to the best of your ability, but you're also pertaining to a male fantasy by having traditionally masculine body hair on you as a trans woman.
Not my intention to redirect a seemingly innocuous conversation into something quite depressing, but it's something I've pondered on a lot. I will say that it is unfortunate for any queer person that the way they dress will determine how palpable they appear to others. If you are a gay man who dresses very conventionally, a straight woman is likely not going to pick you out as a safe, potential friend in a social setting; likewise, most men will automatically avoid you if you shed even a tiny bit of that precious masculinity by wearing something feminine.
Maybe you're reading this thinking I'm crazy and reading too deep into this, but being able to accessorise yourself with 'queer-coded' embellishments is likely a privilege, firstly because you may be in a safe area to do so, and secondly because you're likely trying to attract other like-minded individuals that exist and occupy that space you're in. This is something that I have noticed since leaving my catholic school to go to a city university, especially with the rise of queer fashion and its use of acting as a signifier being hijacked by TikTok and depop influencers. Those pearl necklaces...
What I will say is that don't jeopardise your safety or comfort for the sake of dressing 'queer'. For more people than you'd like to think it's a matter of violent assault or not. You can take baby steps to get where you want to. And if other people your age won't look twice at you unless you're gay'd up, they're probably not worth your time.
this is a really well-written summary of this, and i wanted to weigh in a little bit as someone who has dealt with this topic quite a bit academically when I was in college and in the work I do and the spaces I occupy. The crux of this idea that I wrote about is that LGBTQ aesthetics or presentation are often a sort of arithmetic or balancing act between the ideas of "safety" and "authenticity". For people who live in privileged, relatively safe spaces where being and presenting LGBTQ isn't actively criminalized, stigmatized, or dangerous, there's significantly more freedom and ability to explore one's identity, experiment with styling and presentation that doesn't align with norms of gender / sexuality, and consistently front as one's so-called "authentic self". On the other hand, people who live in areas with either significant legal or societal discrimination against LGBTQ people are more likely to value their safety over a so-called "authentic" presentation that constantly reflects their identity, and may seek liminal, often underground spaces (see: nightlife, the ballroom community, underground drag scenes, secret societies) that allow them to conduct the same kind of experimentation of identity and presentation that people in more LGBTQ-friendly areas are able to carry out in their everyday life. while the groups of people who fit into one category or the other may vary vastly depending on physical location etc, generally speaking there is a correlation with privilege (on the axes of class, race, etc) and the degree to which people are able to value their "authenticity" over their "safety".
the space where this dichotomy becomes problematic and not just a framework to look at various LGBTQ experiences is when narratives of authenticity are promoted as vital, necessary, or equivalent to the act of being a "successful" LGBTQ person, and choosing one's safety is cast down as shameful, inherently inauthentic, lacking pride, or not progressive. the most obvious example of this is the focus on the very singular narrative of "coming out" (which I talked about a few months ago in this thread here) -- viewing coming out (not just to yourself, but to everyone around you and constantly) as a necessary part of becoming an "authentic" queer person proud of yourself favors those who are privileged to be able to do so without worrying about the most extreme of financial or social repercussions. this narrative of authenticity as a necessary step of self-actualization as an LGBTQ person extends far beyond coming out, though, with other examples like comfort with labels, decrying those who value passing, and shaming people who live stealth. tension arises when those with the privilege to seek authenticity and pride at all costs see methods and tools for survival and safety as value judgments rather than what they are -- tools for survival and safety.
i'll leave this post with one specific example from the ballroom community -- a category called realness. realness has a lot of different subcategories based on different identities, but one thats been the subject of discussion and discourse in recent years is FQ realness -- in ballroom, FQ or Fem Queen generally refers to a trans-identified woman who has actively sought to medically and socially transition and presents as a woman. FQ realness is -- to put it bluntly -- a competition about passing. judges vote for the contestant they think is most likely to be able to walk down the street without a single person questioning whether or not they're a cis woman. from the perspective of someone whose lived reality as an LGBTQ person has been focused on seeking authenticity, this may seem like a land mine of problematic stereotypes and outdated gender roles -- but for the people walking the category (most of whom are Black and Latine trans women in major cities, often working or living in situations where they are constantly interfacing with cishet people in potentially dangerous situations), realness isn't just a category to be won, its a practice round for the harsh realities of real life, where knowing how to best pass might be the difference between life or death. as a member of ballroom, i've witnessed people come in from outside the community as guests -- from more privileged situations that have allowed them to prioritize their authenticity -- and decry realness as outdated, or problematic, or harmful in the way that it enforces gender roles; while offering no solutions to the immediate, real issues of safety that the community faces.
finally, i just want to note that the intent here is absolutely not to swing back the shame in the other direction. if you have the privilege to explore your identity to its fullest and live authentically at all times, by all means exercise that. play with gender, adopt overt expressions of queerness that allow you to identify other LGBTQ people, be out to literally everyone you meet. But no one should feel compelled or required to broadcast their identity, pronouns, gender, sex, or any other aspect of their identity in order to be an LGBTQ person, and there is no shame in choosing to remain safe (in all aspects of that word) for as long as you need to.
It's interesting that someone brought this up. Dressing visibly 'queer' can often be a lose-lose situation for the individual.
By dressing hyper-feminine as a transgender woman, you are a caricature and mocking what it means to be a woman. By not dressing hyper-feminine, you are a predatory man who is merely a grifter at best. We can reduce this to acts such as shaving and make-up too: You are pertaining to male fantasy by shaving your legs and emasculating yourself to the best of your ability, but you're also pertaining to a male fantasy by having traditionally masculine body hair on you as a trans woman.
Not my intention to redirect a seemingly innocuous conversation into something quite depressing, but it's something I've pondered on a lot. I will say that it is unfortunate for any queer person that the way they dress will determine how palpable they appear to others. If you are a gay man who dresses very conventionally, a straight woman is likely not going to pick you out as a safe, potential friend in a social setting; likewise, most men will automatically avoid you if you shed even a tiny bit of that precious masculinity by wearing something feminine.
Maybe you're reading this thinking I'm crazy and reading too deep into this, but being able to accessorise yourself with 'queer-coded' embellishments is likely a privilege, firstly because you may be in a safe area to do so, and secondly because you're likely trying to attract other like-minded individuals that exist and occupy that space you're in. This is something that I have noticed since leaving my catholic school to go to a city university, especially with the rise of queer fashion and its use of acting as a signifier being hijacked by TikTok and depop influencers. Those pearl necklaces...
What I will say is that don't jeopardise your safety or comfort for the sake of dressing 'queer'. For more people than you'd like to think it's a matter of violent assault or not. You can take baby steps to get where you want to. And if other people your age won't look twice at you unless you're gay'd up, they're probably not worth your time.
this message and KM's response caught my interest as it's a topic i've thought about and acted upon an extraordinary amount, so I wanted to type out my experience with the line of thought and maybe be able to successfully summarize it for myself.
It's interesting that someone brought this up. Dressing visibly 'queer' can often be a lose-lose situation for the individual.
By dressing hyper-feminine as a transgender woman, you are a caricature and mocking what it means to be a woman. By not dressing hyper-feminine, you are a predatory man who is merely a grifter at best. We can reduce this to acts such as shaving and make-up too: You are pertaining to male fantasy by shaving your legs and emasculating yourself to the best of your ability, but you're also pertaining to a male fantasy by having traditionally masculine body hair on you as a trans woman.
I find this extremely accurate re: both ends of the spectrum, and they're both things I actively think about and avoid. There is little inherently wrong with either of these but both have the exact repercussions described here. For me, you don't want to try so little hard that nobody would ever think of you as a woman, and it's very important not to go overboard to the point of not appearing as someone who is desperately trying to look like a woman. What I've always strived for is a middleground that I call "Plausible Deniability" in which at a glance to almost anyone I'd appear as a girl (which is very attainable for me due to the effort i put into this and my fortunate build) but after having to communicate with anybody I could still be thought of as a cisgender boy, in perhaps a bit effeminate clothing (which is very necessary for me due to my unfortunate voice range). For example in accordance with this, I don't wear a bra even though I'm hovering at the edge of needing one, and if my mindset continues to have this plausible deniability bs requirement in the future, I will probably wear a binder. With very careful attire and accessory choices I can consistently and easily fall into this range, however as Blanks said this is the complete opposite desired outcome of the person who started this topic, and in addition, I believe the process I outlined is quite problematic and a result of internalized transphobia, which I'll get into later.
Maybe you're reading this thinking I'm crazy and reading too deep into this, but being able to accessorise yourself with 'queer-coded' embellishments is likely a privilege, firstly because you may be in a safe area to do so, and secondly because you're likely trying to attract other like-minded individuals that exist and occupy that space you're in. This is something that I have noticed since leaving my catholic school to go to a city university, especially with the rise of queer fashion and its use of acting as a signifier being hijacked by TikTok and depop influencers. Those pearl necklaces...
What I will say is that don't jeopardise your safety or comfort for the sake of dressing 'queer'. For more people than you'd like to think it's a matter of violent assault or not. You can take baby steps to get where you want to. And if other people your age won't look twice at you unless you're gay'd up, they're probably not worth your time.
No yeah this is absolutely correct and as KM goes into, not at all a superficial thing to discuss. This is certainly a privilege and an often unattainable or dangerous goal to set for yourself. Branding yourself in this way should not be thought of as the norm, and I agree that it's a mistake to think that this is necessary to form connections.
this is a really well-written summary of this, and i wanted to weigh in a little bit as someone who has dealt with this topic quite a bit academically when I was in college and in the work I do and the spaces I occupy. The crux of this idea that I wrote about is that LGBTQ aesthetics or presentation are often a sort of arithmetic or balancing act between the ideas of "safety" and "authenticity". For people who live in privileged, relatively safe spaces where being and presenting LGBTQ isn't actively criminalized, stigmatized, or dangerous, there's significantly more freedom and ability to explore one's identity, experiment with styling and presentation that doesn't align with norms of gender / sexuality, and consistently front as one's so-called "authentic self". On the other hand, people who live in areas with either significant legal or societal discrimination against LGBTQ people are more likely to value their safety over a so-called "authentic" presentation that constantly reflects their identity, and may seek liminal, often underground spaces (see: nightlife, the ballroom community, underground drag scenes, secret societies) that allow them to conduct the same kind of experimentation of identity and presentation that people in more LGBTQ-friendly areas are able to carry out in their everyday life. while the groups of people who fit into one category or the other may vary vastly depending on physical location etc, generally speaking there is a correlation with privilege (on the axes of class, race, etc) and the degree to which people are able to value their "authenticity" over their "safety".
This balancing act you describe between safety and authenticity reminds me of the plausible deniability premise that I outlined earlier, and it feels good to see that the exact train of thought that I've had on my mind for so much time and I constantly berated myself for having is a pre-existing, common(?) thing, and even somebody that I know has wrote academically on the concept apparently. I do want to clarify this by saying that the dilemma that KM talks about is a much more serious and higher stakes conflict than my own. As I am privileged enough to live in an area where it is not dangerous to be trans, my conflict is my own standards and dysphoria battling against my own shame and embarrassment.
I also wanted to mention a third variable that I'm finding myself struggle with recently, that I'm sure exists for other people.
As of the past 10 days or so I've entered my first relationship with a cis woman who is primarily attracted to other women, and in addition to holding myself to the standard of beauty I see them in(not wanting to see myself as less attractive than them in a vacuum, feeling a stronger motivation for furthering how pretty I am because I'm in a relationship, etc) I also have a new, different desire/insecurity revolving around feeling extra pressure to be explicitly and obviously a girl, for them. My subconsciousness says something along the lines of "they're attracted to girls, if you don't look enough like a girl, regardless of how often they compliment you, they won't be attracted to you. It's like I'm suffering from 2 sources of gender dysphoria, my own, and the fictional expectations I'm projecting over her. In addition to complicating physical intimacy, some examples of how this is changing my behavior include
1: buying more clothes, as normally I'm mentally fine when I'm at home in very comfortable, but explicitly masculine clothes, but now I feel pressure to be fem any time I'm around them even when relaxing
2: shaving my face with obsessive frequency, I've been on hormones for a while and my facial hair growth has slowed quite a bit, and I'd gotten into a rhythm of shaving my face and arms whenever hair is VISIBLE to a passerby, not when it's THERE. But now I'm taking time for it as much as twice a day, just because the idea of them feeling friction on/near my face/lips is absolutely mortifying to me.
This has absolutely nothing to do with the her words/actions they're constantly supportive and accepting and reassuring but this is a completely involuntary thought process. For now, as I'm not burned out, I'm really enjoying having this person as a motivation to feel so much better about myself and be prettier and more well rested and healthy, but I'm also aware that I'm being obsessive and have zero control over my actions regarding this and that isn't healthy.
Apologies for the slight tangent but it's very related to the topic imo and if anybody has any thoughts/experience on this that you think would be helpful to me let me know.
"... from the perspective of someone whose lived reality as an LGBTQ person has been focused on seeking authenticity, this may seem like a land mine of problematic stereotypes and outdated gender roles -- but for the people walking the category (most of whom are Black and Latine trans women in major cities, often working or living in situations where they are constantly interfacing with cishet people in potentially dangerous situations), realness isn't just a category to be won, its a practice round for the harsh realities of real life, where knowing how to best pass might be the difference between life or death. as a member of ballroom, i've witnessed people come in from outside the community as guests -- from more privileged situations that have allowed them to prioritize their authenticity -- and decry realness as outdated, or problematic, or harmful in the way that it enforces gender roles; while offering no solutions to the immediate, real issues of safety that the community faces."
This hit rlly close to home for me. Passing has always been a very big deal for me, I've spent thousands on clothes and laser hair removal, speedran HRT starting even before I came out, gotten my hair styled to utilize its specific length to pass best every couple months, put on foundation every day I go outside, and feel a high amount of importance and pressure doing these things. When someone once said that I was being shallow, shouldn't bend to society, should just be myself, be proud, am beautiful and "valid"(:nauseated_face:) no matter what I do, I was incredibly shocked at how massively and flamboyantly they missed the point. We don't make a choices based on how the world SHOULD be, we make them based on how it IS, and I didn't point it out at the time but I thought it was incredibly hypocritical that this person was closeted. I've even been in circles where "Passing" is discouraged or disallowed as term, which is in line with what KM said and follows the same reasoning and fallacies.
To me this is related to something i wanted to mention which is internalized transphobia and people "calling people out on", which is something I've encountered a couple times. A recent article seems to concisely narrow down what people seem to classify or think this concept of into 4 inter-related dimensions: pride in transgender identity (reverse scored), investment in passing as a cisgender person, alienation from other transgender people, and shame. These single me out extraordinarily well, as I have, as mentioned, extremely high investment in passing, and extreme disassociation from transgender identity and other queer people. The word valid makes me wince, I dislike pride, rainbows, flags, and anything to do with all of that, they remind me of the oppression that caused it to exist and those protective circles to form in the first place, I feel an inappropriate sense of embarrassment from trans people that are on either extreme ends of the balance discussed earlier as I feel they worsen the bigotry directed at me, and I feel a high amount of shame when I fail to meet the standards I have for myself.
But for much of this I feel it's unhelpful to aggressively point this out as something to put effort into changing, to reiterate what KM said, describing many of these concepts as outdated, or problematic, or harmful isn't actually doing anything to address the mental and physical issues that caused these reactions in the first place, and "no one should feel compelled or required to broadcast their identity, pronouns, gender, sex, or any other aspect of their identity in order to be an LGBTQ person, and there is no shame in choosing to remain safe (in all aspects of that word) for as long as you need to."
(if you're not following this topic or dont care enough to read all this pls read
I also wanted to mention a third variable that I'm finding myself struggle with recently, that I'm sure exists for other people.
As of the past 10 days or so I've entered my first relationship with a cis woman who is primarily attracted to other women, and in addition to holding myself to the standard of beauty I see them in(not wanting to see myself as less attractive than them in a vacuum, feeling a stronger motivation for furthering how pretty I am because I'm in a relationship, etc) I also have a new, different desire/insecurity revolving around feeling extra pressure to be explicitly and obviously a girl, for them. My subconsciousness says something along the lines of "they're attracted to girls, if you don't look enough like a girl, regardless of how often they compliment you, they won't be attracted to you. It's like I'm suffering from 2 sources of gender dysphoria, my own, and the fictional expectations I'm projecting over her. In addition to complicating physical intimacy, some examples of how this is changing my behavior include
1: buying more clothes, as normally I'm mentally fine when I'm at home in very comfortable, but explicitly masculine clothes, but now I feel pressure to be fem any time I'm around them even when relaxing
2: shaving my face with obsessive frequency, I've been on hormones for a while and my facial hair growth has slowed quite a bit, and I'd gotten into a rhythm of shaving my face and arms whenever hair is VISIBLE to a passerby, not when it's THERE. But now I'm taking time for it as much as twice a day, just because the idea of them feeling friction on/near my face/lips is absolutely mortifying to me.
This has absolutely nothing to do with the her words/actions they're constantly supportive and accepting and reassuring but this is a completely involuntary thought process. For now, as I'm not burned out, I'm really enjoying having this person as a motivation to feel so much better about myself and be prettier and more well rested and healthy, but I'm also aware that I'm being obsessive and have zero control over my actions regarding this and that isn't healthy.
Apologies for the slight tangent but it's very related to the topic imo and if anybody has any thoughts/experience on this that you think would be helpful to me let me know.
cuz thats the only thing im curious abt a response for)
also re: the catalyst of this discussion: Strife64 I feel like being in the middle of Ohio might be the biggest and hardest to overcome issue you described, sorry.
This will probably be the last long, serious post I ever make on Smogon, but I figured I should post in here, because this is probably where everything started, in a way.
I've very recently started to self-identify as, in some way, transfemme. I'm not really sure where on the general transfemme spectrum I am, either a full MTF or a transfemme nonbinary, but I'm pretty confident in this assessment. It's only come after realization that I really only get joy in acting feminine in several ways, and in retrospect there were a lot of peculiarities about how I acted (such as hiding the parts of my body that were excessively manly with clothing and being hyperfocused on the parts of me that were feminine, always taking pictures of myself that hid my jawline and forehead, being extremely disgusted with myself when forced to look at images of me with a masculine appearance, constantly ignoring my own body and fashion until I discovered more androgynous/feminine options I could wear instead of traditionally masculine clothes, disassociating how I perceived myself in my mind's eye (as cute and not very masc) vs how I actually looked in real life, not particularly wanting to associate myself with men but always feeling more comfortable talking to women, etc etc etc).
Even my own PS! pfp, which was always my custom with Karen from HGSS
or the *scandalous* Gen 2 Beauty JP edition
, which at the time I simply convinced myself I used because I thought they were hot (which, they still definitely are), but realized later on that it was the kind of hot that I wanted to be. None of the male sprites I can relate to, and was really only in designs like these where I could truly see myself.
It's hard for me to tell if I want to full-on identify as a woman or as nonbinary because I have always been somewhat counterculture, or at least have consistently rejected the norms of society. When I think about being a standard women, (like some latte drinking uggs wearing Californian girl) I get apathetic or even disgusted, but that's the exact same way I feel when thinking about standard men (like some buttoned up gigachad who has The Audacity). I feel the most comfortable thinking about alt-fashion, punk-esque ways of feminine presentation, but you can definitely be a woman and present yourself as alternative. Really, gender is just a bitch, but I think I will know for sure once I start doing and seeing the effects of HRT (which I have planned to start in about a month).
Previously, in my life, I had been sort of fumbling around passively, basically accepting what came to me as unchanging truths that I shouldn't bother to contest, since it would be pointless. It led me down a nihilistic and fatalistic road that peaked 2.5 years ago, right before and during the pandemic. I was born one way, so that's how it had to be. I think because of this view, I tried to 'best fit' myself in a man's role, in a way that worked for me, which was always acceptable, but never gratifying or rewarding. I never felt happy about my body, and usually ignored it unless absolutely necessary. I thought it was relatively normal to consistently imagine about being a certain gender for only a day or two, to enjoy the benefits while it lasted.
Only when I was forced to actually pay attention to my body consistently (due to unfortunate man hair moments) did I realize that I was actually not at all satisfied with who I was. At first, I thought maybe simply going to the gym or doing jogging to make myself 'thinner' while not getting too bulky was all I wanted, and while exercise in general is good, and the weight loss was nice, this did not satisfy me in the long run. It took jumping through several hoops and education on the subject, and understanding that what I was feeling was not just attraction to certain body types, but also envy, as well as putting myself seriously into the shoes of someone with female characteristics, to understand that the reason I hated myself was because I literally was born in the wrong body.
This self-discovery comes back to PS and Smogon (besides the aforementioned avatars), getting introduced to members of the trans community through these related platforms de-mystified and legitimized the concept to me. I had previously heard about people who were born as one gender and portrayed themselves as another, but I really didn't get the concept past a surface-level understanding. I somewhat had internalized gender-conformity, thinking that since people were genetically born one way, they couldn't possibly really see themselves escaping what they were born into, right? Outside of the fact that the actual science of sex is inherently a spectrum (which I didn't know at the time) understanding the notion of how gender was not some hard-coded, ordained from on-high concept, but in effect only what we, as people and individuals, make it to be, I think was what really opened my mind to the possibilities. I still, at the time, was very much was doublethinking, seeing myself as a cutesy femboy/twink naturally while in actuality being some bulky jawlined man thing, but I think it allowed for me to open my mind to new thoughts and revelations that I probably couldn't have comprehended or made sense of before then. It took a few years after for everything to finally click, but when it did, I felt a wave of euphoria, like my entire life finally made sense, and that for the first time I could take control of it and move it in a direction I actually care about.
So the tldr is that the exposure to the LGBT side of Smogon and PS provided the groundwork for this self-discovery. I'm naturally very avoidant with issues, and I think if I had not had this exposure now, I would have only figured it out in some kind of mid-life crisis, when I physically and emotionally could no longer play the part, and by that point I would have lost so much time to really take advantage and live my new life. I'm, for the first time in basically forever, very optimistic for the future. I can't wait to have long awesome hair and soft smooth skin and a curvy body and be able to wear actually comfortable clothes and get earrings and not to be covered in body hair and etc etc.
Hi! :3 i am here to officially come as bi, I tought about doing this for a long time, but i didn't have the courage to do it since i didn't really know a lot of people here, and the smogon community as whole, i didn't feel comfortable talking about my personal stuff, but now i feel confident enought to come out as bi in this tread! I had to go through a lot in my life just because of my being bi, so i hope everyone here can accept me for who i am :3
Shoutout PT and devin, for accepting who i am and helping me out as well. wallahi.
Hiya! Typically I prefer to avoid the spotlight whenever possible, but I figured it'd be good for me to put all my stray thoughts into one place. If someone takes away something they like from all this or a nice conversation comes from it, even better. I'm kinda going with my gut as I type all this out, so you'll have to forgive me if I stray into topics that aren't 100% relevant to this thread every now and then-
So, I suppose the place to start with is sexuality, and romantic interests by proxy. As children, we were all familiar with the concept of liking or like liking someone, though it never really got any further clarified that differences between physical attraction and emotional attraction can exist, which is something I personally never really picked up on until it was well too late into high school. As a kid, I never really had a significant moment I can remember where I was taught the usual norm that I'm "supposed" to like boys, though, as per typical cringe family tradition, older relatives would always ask whether or not I had a boyfriend whenever they came over/we visited them. Without that teaching, I spent most of my developing life figuring things out for myself and trying out as many things as possible to see what feels right, to ultimately come to the conclusion that there is no "right" thing. While there were certainly a lot of bumps on the way to that point, each of those negative experiences helped to reinforce the idea that what works for people is something that should only be determined by each individual person for themselves, rather than having other people's standards being ingrained into them. To that extent, I believe that social concepts like labels realistically can't cover the full breadth of how we truly feel, especially as how the way we feel is something that continually updates itself on a day-to-day basis. Despite that, I still do understand the value of being able to use the broader labels as a reference point when describing yourself, since something like saying you're bi with a preference is a lot easier to do than manufacturing a whole new term to describe how you feel or otherwise explaining the whole thing from scratch.
Where the aspect of nuance really comes in is the introduction of romantic attraction versus sexual attraction. While it makes sense that these would be two very different and important aspects of relationships, it still did take a while for me to get it to click that relationships may very well not be able to provide 100% of what I'm looking for on both of those spectrums, and that liking people for their physical appearance may not necessarily translate to a healthy emotional relationship. I won't talk too much on this aspect, since I'm sure I have a lot more to learn about the more romantic side of things down the road, though as things stand right now, the way I look at prospective romantic relationships is mostly through a lens of having an open mind about possibilities and ideas I may not have previously considered, while simultaneously making sure that any compromises to make things work come equally, and from all sides, and most importantly, if my quality of life while in a relationship would become worse off than it would be if I were single, then it's time to reconsider my feelings on a hypothetical relationship with that person or people. In typing this, I realize that these also apply in many ways to friendships as well, and to that extent, I think it is similarly important that we determine for ourselves what exactly the line is between what makes someone a good friend vs what makes someone a good potential romantic partner. To that point... I honestly don't know. The only thing I could imagine is just treating it as one of those "you'll know it when you see it" kind of things, but for an oblivious type like myself, it's naturally hard to say for sure when I'll "see" it- I would love to hear other people's thoughts on the matter, whether here or through discord or wherever.
Moving on to the other side of LGBT that is what people wish for their own being, I can say in earnest that any thoughts regarding gender had legitimately not come to my mind until being in a community with people where civil discourse on the matter is encouraged, to which I must thank smogon and its sub-communities for being the main outlets in my life where I can learn more about people so that I can then begin to apply that knowledge to my own lived experiences. To that point, I've been thinking a lot over the past few years about my own gender and how I present myself both online and physically, and, at least for now, I've come to a few conclusions.
First, the idea of assigning genders to things and concepts that aren't human frankly stinks; things like the marketing of toys and products that anyone can use as exclusively masculine or feminine, gender divisions in sports and games where it doesn't make a difference (and in many cases just in general), stereotypes that broadly generalize people, etc. I've been told multiple times in my online experiences that I talk more like a guy than a girl, and each time I have to question what that even means, as well as why that distinction needs to exist. All I wanna do is live the life that best suits me without having to care about whether that lifestyle is labeled as masculine or feminine and all the associations that come with those labels.
Second, the objectification, commodification, and fetishization of things we as people don't have control over is uncomforting at best and disgusting at worst. The obvious examples are of course obvious, but even things like just having a feminine username or profile picture has resulted in people thinking they can just slide into my dms and get somewhere or sending me unsolicited things I didn't want to see. Like, it's one thing if me and others are intentionally joking with or teasing each other where we're all in on it, but to go out of your way to take it to that level or escalate it when someone hasn't signed onto doing so is where that crosses the line for me.
Overall, I feel that gender, at least in the societal and cultural implementations of it that I've lived through and learned of up to now, is pretty lame. If we're supposed to be a mentally evolved species, I don't understand why society still expects people to be assimilated into specific roles in life based off of what they were born as, as if they were just any other species of animal. It should go without saying, but people should just be allowed to live their best lives without persecution; so long as their lifestyles aren't hurting or imposing upon others, what's there to lose?
As for myself, it's hard to say if I necessarily want to identify myself as anything. Ideally, I'd prefer if I could be treated as a person, rather than as a woman, given how we've been treated up to now, but simultaneously, I don't want to present masculine, nor do I want to feel the imposter syndrome of trying to be nonbinary or agendered*. I just want people to see me for who I am as a person and how I present myself to others, rather than what I am or my appearance.
* Wording here was rough- to be completely clear, nonbinary and agender are perfectly valid identities; what I tried to say here is moreso that when thinking about applying these identities to myself, it just didn't feel quite right for me, almost more as if I was trying to hide aspects of myself, rather than just being myself. Sorry if any bit of what I said above came off negatively-
If I had a second chance at presenting myself online, I think I would try to go down a more neutral route with a non-gendered username and profile, so that people would have to actually talk to me in order to get to know me with fewer risks of preconceived judgment. I've thought about doing exactly that with a name change on all platforms and dropping the gendering on my profiles, though I'm not sure if it'd feel as legitimate doing so as I imagine it would have been if it had always been that way from the start; given that the latter can't happen, the question I have to ask myself is whether or not doing so now would improve things as opposed to how they have been up to now, to which I honestly don't know. A handful of 1v1 people who are familiar with my takes on gender have started going out of their way to refer to me with they/them, which has been an interesting experiment to which I have learned that different pronouns don't really hit different for me, whether it's the usual she/her, kind people trying they/them, or even the occasional PS random who thinks everyone on the internet is male.
All in all, I think the main takeaway for me from putting all these thoughts into one place is that I don't really care how people refer to me, just so long as they refer to me with the same common decency and respect as I would for them, with no fears of preconceived notions or associations about what we're like based on external factors.
Just so this post isn't reduced into me just talking into the void and only receiving small pokemon pngs in response, here's some discussions that I would be interested in seeing people's responses to:
As it pertains to the notion of attraction, what makes someone just a good friend in your eyes vs a potential relationship partner?
Would you consider someone who doesn't really care about their gender identity as trans?
For people who have changed their pronouns (if you're comfortable sharing), how does it impact you when people refer to you by your preferred pronouns?
