On February 20th, 2019, I started taking estradiol and spironolactone. It's been exactly two years. I had my yearly follow-up appointment two days ago, and I got moved up to max dose estradiol (I didn't know they go up to 8 mg daily!), as well as started progesterone. It's made me reflect on where I've been over the past two years and what's happened; what's changed. I've been through a lot over the past two years. Things have been pretty damn rough, but it's been worth every single moment.
Prior to my egg cracking and me starting hormones, nothing was real; to me at least. I remember once off-roading out into the desert once and flipping my car onto it's side. It just... didn't even register with me that I could have died. I got in another car accident the next year, this time due to icy conditions. My car slipped literally in between traffic headed in the opposite way at 70 mph. I probably would have died, but I just... didn't care. Just... nothing mattered. I wanted to get to the end as fast as possible. I didn't make any friends; I didn't do anything; I didn't have interests. I just wanted things to end.
I wasn't outwardly depressed, but I didn't share anything with anyone. If I did try to open up, I'd risk showing somebody this thing about myself I couldn't let them know. I was already in a fragile and ostracized position; I didn't want to make it even worse. But I couldn't bring myself to continue
existing. Just as ancient Sicilian sailors found themselves trapped between the wind-tattered cliffs of Scylla and the raging whirlpool of Charybdis, an impasse had been reached. There was no continuing. Everything just... stopped.
I didn't do anything for a year and a half. I worked and stuff; just... nothing happened. I hid away a whole lot.
Things really sucked.
I feel really sorry for my past self. She was a
super anxious closeted trans girl. She had a lot of issues going on and she couldn't tell anyone about it. She couldn't tell people who she was or who she wanted to be. She was really scared and wanted things to end. She felt like the world was better off without her and she didn't deserve to be there. She felt like she couldn't trust telling anyone about this part of her. Nothing mattered to her. I'm really proud of her though.
Like I mentioned in the other post, a transgender man was brought in to the emergency department after attempting to kill himself back in December 2018. He attempted suicide about a week after he was kicked out of his parent's house for being transgender. The doc I was working with had a medical student with him that evening and they both discussed the man with the utmost respect. I was listening in and I felt like I'd be accepted, for the first time in my life. I didn't really know how to process it. I left work that night, went home, and thought; a lot. This thought that I
could be accepted just kept running through my mind. It just kept going and going.
The next week, I was working with a different emergency room doc that was treating another transgender patient for something unrelated. Outside of the room, away from the ear-shot of the patient, THAT doctor began talking shit about the patient being transgender. He said all sorts of bigoted shit about transgender people. I felt
viscerally offended by the shit this doctor was saying. Like this is
a doctor treating a human being like they're sub-human? Go fuck yourself. The nurses nor the mid-level said anything. They weren't saying they agreed with him, but they weren't saying he was wrong. I wasn't exactly one to be able to immediately speak my mind in an organized fashion (kinda goes hand-in-hand with suffering from anxiety), so I didn't say anything. I went home really angry that day, but I started looking up transgender resources.
I learned about informed consent clinics and Planned Parenthood (absolutely amazing place, please go there if you can). I learned about how long it takes hormones to take effect. I had r/transtimelines bookmarked (I didn't actually believe I could look like them one day, but somehow, just maybe, I hoped I could). My first free day happened to be either Christmas Eve or the day before Christmas Eve, but I went in to Planned Parenthood to make a consultation appointment. The receptionist there was actually the first person I ever told I was "seeking LGBTQ resources" (dude I was so scared lmao). I had a consultation in January to make sure this was right. I had another appointment in February to get blood work done. I got started on hormones a week later, yada yada yada, and here we are.
Before I start the next section, I wanted to give some advice. If you ever feel like
something is just "not right" or "the way it's supposed to be", please talk to somebody. It can be your identity, your body, your gender, your sexuality, stuff going on in your head, your depression, your anxieties, your fears, your future, your hopes and dreams. Just anything. It's okay to cry. Just try to be as honest as you feel comfortable; it's okay to trust people. It can be a friend, a family member, a therapist, a random counselor; just anybody that's willing to listen and accept you for who you are. Things can be better. The one thing that I wish I could go back and do when I was younger is to force myself to talk to just some person that's willing to listen about things going on in my head. You are worth it. You can be accepted.
The past two years have been one
hell of a journey. I've come out to family. I've come out to friends. I've come out to co-workers. I've come out to strangers. I've been accepted. I've been rejected. I've had my first boyfriend. I've had my first break-up. I've cried. I've been depressed. I've laughed a lot. I've smiled. I've connected with people. I've learned. I've been able to give advice to other people. I've been able to accept advice from other people. I've been able to see things from others perspectives. I've learned things about myself (like how anxious I am lol). I've made my first friends. I've made my first best friends. I've made my first friend groups. I've traveled out of the country. I've traveled across the country. I've gone out and done things on my own. I hiked up a mountain (which was really cool). I attended Seattle Pride (which was really super unbelievably cool). I've started liking things. I've started trying things (things can be really awesome!). I did really well in a class I worked really hard in. I've started nursing school. I have plans for the future. I've met my first girlfriend (she's so great and I
really love her).
I've grown up a lot in the past two years. This time has shown me that things in life are capable of being really good. I've been through a lot, but I'm excited for what's going to happen next.
I really want to thank the Smogon LGBTQ crew, PokéPride, and just everyone for everything they've done. You guys are so fantastic and have helped me feel like I can be accepted as a part of a community. Also shout-outs to the Krooks. You guys are so gay and awesome. Have a good day all! You guys are great!
like......... do you guys even realize that this website and pokemon showdown is years behind in the way that minority groups are treated on it lmao.
