Serious Depression

Death Phenomeno

I'm polite so just for clarity, when I'm cross I
is a Contributor Alumnus
I'm going to tell you a small part of my story. Despite this, I'm afraid that this is not going to be short, and there will not be a TL;DR. I have to share it, though. So I hope that I don't make you feel like you're wasting your time.

I'm going to spoil this, however, and tell you that I've just beaten my most horrible depression in more that 30 years, and I need to get this "out there" or it will drive me (more) insane.

Here we go:

It was around New Year's Eve, 2015. I had recently discovered Twitch, thanks to a certain famous stream which name shan't be spoken here. I had just dropped out of college, again. My insomnia had come back in full force, again. I had gotten an easy job just so my family wouldn't bother me with "being around all day in the house being a parasite", again. I had just restarted things with my SO after some nasty times. And I promised myself, this year is going to be better. Yeah, that didn't happen.

2015 was my worst year up to that point. I should've seen it coming, when I suddenly stopped filming an ORAS play through. I stopped filming, and I didn't care. I stopped filming, and I left those files in my hard drive to rot. Me not caring about something I love should've raised all the alarms, yet none of them rung.

Instead of changing to improve my situation, future, or whatever, I found myself doing the same. Everything became a routine; my SO, my job, my family, my wants, my wishes… I could go on and on about this all day. There was always an excuse, there was always an empty promise that I would give myself and say "tomorrow I'll start improving". We all know that tomorrow that will never come, don't we? Instead, all I ever did was watch random streams on Twitch. At one point I wasn't even paying attention to the streams; just like last century one would've said I have the TV on but I'm not looking at the static.

Stupidly, I was wasting more energy in trying to put up a believable front just so people wouldn't pester me with "are you OK?" questions, rather than actually being OK. To be honest, I don't even remember what actually being OK feels.

Oh, but of course I was never to blame, oh no. It was always someone, or something else that would be to blame for my misfortunes. Family? Check. SO? Check. Poverty? Check. Schools? Check. Weather? Check. A universe conspiring against me? Check.

As long as I could blame someone or something for everything that was wrong, I would. It was comfortable. Yes, that's the term, comfortable. It was just easy to live in my own misery and blaming everything else, and then get angry when people wouldn't get off my back. At the same time I was exhausted. I was so exhausted of having to deal with everything and everyone around me. If I'm making a good show of me being OK, then why don't you leave me alone?

Why do you keep pestering me? I don't pester you, why do you keep pestering me? Just leave me alone. Leave me alone! Why doesn't everyone else mind their fucking business and leave me alone!?

The only thing that I was sincere about is that I wished to go find a cave in the middle of nowhere, get in, and never see another human being. Yeah, that was the answer, never see another human being. Just leave me alone. I'm just go lie down in a cave, and rest. Rest. Rest from everything, rest from everyone. Just… rest.

Rest… forever.

And then it hit me. I haven't thought about suicide since 2012, but maybe I should revisit the idea. Twice I tried, but one time my mother almost walked on me and I managed to hide it and she wouldn't leave, so I had to postpone it; and the other time, well… I just couldn't do it, all I could think about was that my mother would be sad, and I couldn't shake it off, I couldn't. So I didn't do it. A sign? Maybe, maybe not.

I don't remember it very well, But I believe that's when I approached my SO and said, Honey, I don't feel OK. Less than a week later, I was seeing both a psychiatrist and a psychologist. At the time of writing this, I'm still seeing them both.

This isn't the end of the story, of course it isn't. I'm omitting plenty of it. But I wanted it to end on a good note. Remember when I said that I left some files to rot? I recently remembered that they were there. And they were, in fact, still there. I grabbed the game and my very very bad camera and finished filming. I uploaded it even though it is outdated by 5 years, but I don't care. It was about remembering that there was something I loved, unfinished. I don't know why, but that has helped me a lot these past couple of weeks.

I guess that what I'm trying to say is, if you leave something you love, and you don't care, it could very well be a sign of something far worse. Probably not even noticeable, but if it's there, it'll drag you all the way to the bottom.
 
As a horrendous and complete monster, I cannot find any moral or intellectual justification to stop hating myself. All the smartest people in the world would agree with me. Anything people bring up I can easily refute. I can only find pragmatic reasons to stop hating myself....but those mean nothing to the moral and intellectual reasons to hate myself.

Speaking that I live in the US, it'd certainly be a bit easier to get a gun license, get a shotgun with buckshot, point it to my cerebrum, and pull the trigger. Bam. Done. High chance of success. Certainly cheaper than getting a therapist, of which I've no money or insurance for (no, I don't feel I necessarily deserve medical insurance.). No one would really care if I did off myself. One less drain on society gone.
 

Finland

I am Ferdinand von Aegir.
is a Battle Simulator Moderator
ive had a long struggle with depression, or something of its ilk, for the past couple years. it was a combination of stuff that brought it to boil. having no like for my college studies (which i am thankfully changing), things associated with being transgender and not feeling right in my body, troubles with my peculiar social and personality inclinations, views of life and the human experience that benefitted from updating. those sorts of things. i've had a few really bad days, but i'm seeing the light, and i am glad for that.

i hope that you one day can catch the light too, King Feraligatr.
 
Beware this may have at least 2 million grammatical errors. I'll try to look over it and clean it up the best i can. Though for reference now i am a 18 year old who grew up in Englewood in Chicago. Englewood is a pretty shit area so uhh don't go there. I made this as a spoiler because it's pretty lengthy btw.

I've struggled with depression a good deal of my life, starting at around 9 or 10 years old. My depression stems from a multitude of different mental issues i face ranging from social anxiety, separation problems, paranoia disorders. A LOT of this is worsened by the fact i have an unidentified schizo-effective disorder which causes me to have audible and visual hallucinations. Having all of these things at the age of 9 or 10 caused me to be a complete shut in, i had little to no friends and was extremely awkward socially. Was a complete outcast and often was made fun of because i spoke to myself and the voices i was hearing in my head, as well as being made fun of because i was crying all the damn time because i was scared shitless of not knowing what or who was speaking to me or what i was seeing due to visual and audible hallucinations.

Went to a lot of in patient hospitals in Chicago and got diagnosed fairly easily with a few things. Advance a good few years to high school cause nothing major really happened between that and 10th grade. But, I got prescribed Letuda which is an anti-psychotic. Fairly low dosage if i remember correctly. It helped quite a bit and still does because i still take the same medicine to this day just a much higher dosage. But this was around maybe 10th grade and this was around the time my Aunt died from lung cancer. This specific aunt always helped me with shit i was going through, she always hugged me and made me feel like i was safe and wasn't alone. This death left a big dent in me, i was not able to function at all. A few "friends" at the time slipped me a few pills, really sketchy ass pills but they were Vicodin which is an opiate. I took them and it didn't take me long to get hooked on these fuckers and ended up branching off into a shitload of different pills and drugs. All of this to treat the depression i was going through because i felt so alone, my parents never really helped me through it and my sister was always out doing stuff with her friends. Fast foward into July of that year, it's summer and going into my Junior year. One of my closest friends from middle school was killed in a drive by. This nearly "broke the straw on the camels back" if you put it that way. I was basically done with life, and in my mind i was basically losing everyone i loved and i never knew why it was me who had to be cursed with living this absolute hell. I was suicidal but was too pussy to ever go through with it because i hate feeling pain and still do to this day. So again all i had was drugs and i basically lost most of my friends at that current school cause i cut everyone off.

Fast forward into junior year and everything is pretty much the same. Except i am a bit worse and lost a few more friends but at that point i was so mentally fucked that nothing really was taking it much lower. I was already at rock bottom, and it sucks having to go to multiple funerals of close friends and seeing their families torn and seeing some of them in open casket. All i have to remember them is memories and videos from when we were little kids doing weird shit in the front lawn. But i ended up trying my hardest to move forward through all of the stuff i was going through. I tried to socialize the best i could, it was cringe attempts but it was a glorious attempt. I tried to be someone i wasn't and was trying to copy other people to fit in. Didn't work, so i said "fuck it" and ended up being myself for a change and somehow it paid off. Irl i am bluntly honest, i say the first thing that pops into my head and i am memey to shit. I became a chad and grew the balls to speak to girls and it paid off somewhat. I went through countless relationships and most of them ended due to me being a complete junkie. (btw i go by girl from nowhere and baker phonk but i am not a girl, girl from nowhere is a Thai series.) Most of the break ups effected me in a negative way but after a while i got used to getting dumped cause the girls weren't the issue it's my horrible over reliance on drugs to cope with my demons. Surprisingly in the winter break of Junior year i was able to bag a female and we clicked fairly quickly. We were both really awkward socially and liked anime and shit so we always used to go over each others house and watch anime or play video games. Talk about life and other real cringe but adorable shit. She's been by my side since Junior year and is still with me, she's one of the main reason i decided to go to rehab in senior year and clean myself up.

Fast forward to senior year, i got moved out of my regular high school to online courses in a therapeutic online school where i could have 1 on 1 convos with a therapist and speak my mind about how i felt. Senior year surprisingly was extremely smooth after i got removed from my current school. I got the help i needed and was given Suboxone in rehab to treat my addiction! I still deal with extremely severe mental disorders which hinder me in many ways but i try my hardest to go on and go through life the best i can. But i still have some of the closest friends irl that i talk to all the time and i still have all my deceased friends with me in spirit and a girlfriend that i really do mess with to this day. Even on this site i have people i consider my friends that i love talking to when i get the chance, N_Mareanie, Butler, Niadev, Faded Love, Watermess and many more that i hope are doing well. I love each and every person i consider my friend irl and on the internet and hope you guys cherish every day you have on this planet and every person you consider a friend <3. Also drugs are bad take it from me lol.

Edit: I wanna make a quick edit and say this before you guys wonder. Yeah working jobs are pretty annoying for me, i ceased working physical jobs after my last job at Starbucks. Due to not having the best social skills or really anything so i left cause i didn't want my shit customer service to give their joint a bad rep. So i work as an audio engineer "self employed" ig u can put it and earn a decent amount of money that way till college.
 
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Just made this account and it may seem weird to post this so early, but I'm very depressed. I came out as Bi three months ago and my mother has treated me harshly ever since. I've wanted to tell people and talk but I have no one to talk to. I'm always left on read and ignored, so I literally have no one. I'm fucking lonely as hell and cry myself to sleep pretty much every day. Sometimes I'll just stare at the wall and wonder why I haven't killed myself yet. I've cut myself for about two weeks now, and I've had suicidal thoughts almost my entire life. I feel like my life is an eternal hole of pain and suffering that I just keep spiraling further and further down.
 
Hi,

So this post is going to be about my journey with depression that is moreso secondary to anxiety. If this thread is the inappropriate place, then feel free to remove it, but I couldn't find a better or more active relevant thread. I'll preface this by saying that I've spent the greater part of two weeks intermittently working on this post. With that, and the fact that I wrote it, the post probably seems scattered and tonally inconsistent. It's also kind of long, so I'm going to leave it as a collapsible. I'm sorry about all of that.

~~~
Hello all,

My name is Madeline and have gone by Uni or Unicorns on Smogon/PS/Discord for a while. I struggle a lot with baseline anxiety and experience recurrent anxiety attacks, in addition to panic attacks. I constantly have millions of thoughts running through my head. While being able to manage multiple things at once sounds like it'd be okay, my mind has just become my own worst enemy. My mind just repeats, analyzes, and picks apart every single thing I've ever done. It doesn't even have to be things that I personally did or didn't do; it can be things that my friends did themselves and I wasn't involved in, or it can be stuff that didn't even actually happen. My mind just pours over every little detail to figure out if and where I or somebody else made a mistake.

The things my mind analyzes range from big things, like competitions and presentations, to the most minute, inconsequential conversations, like some random conversation I had with somebody eight months ago. Stuff that doesn't even matter. Even if I already know I messed up somewhere and to not do that something again, my mind still runs through those things again and again. The only way I can describe it as is this never-ending cycle of anger, frustration, and depression. It's a pit. Nobody is forcing my mind to do this, so the only way this would make sense is that my mind sees it as a justifiable form of self-punishment for things that didn't even matter. This cycle is inescapable, so my mind will just never let anything go. My mind creates it's own isolated environment where the worst of my thoughts can roam wild. Because it's all in my head without any basis in reality, it can create these false narratives that don't even exist. These thoughts just fester and ferment, becoming stronger and stronger, until something breaks and everything falls apart.

I've had multiple week or month-long stretches where I'm milliseconds away from emotionally blowing up at any moment. Like I'd have some benign stray thought vaguely related to the trigger, then I'd spend the next half-hour bawling my eyes out in a quiet room. It makes me scared because I don't know when that trigger is going to come and where I could hide so no one will see me. The best part is that the things that would set me off would be related to the false narratives and like things that didn't even happen. Even if I did get for help during those episodes, the person wouldn't have any idea of how to help me with with something that didn't even happen. In a metaphorical sense, it's like this part of me would trap myself at the bottom of a ravine after destroying any possible way for me to escape. I'd eventually get out, but it'd all come down to chance. Like I'm not on control of my mind.

Looking back, my anxiety has always been there, but I just refused to ever acknowledge it. Some of my earliest memories were of me being punished for exhibiting any kind of queer behavior in front of my (at the time) heavily-conservative father. It was something that I had to keep a secret, even in my own mind. I realize now why I always wanted to be at my queer-accepting aunt's house lol fuck. My dad has changed a lot over the past few years and has been pretty decent at accepting me. It doesn't change the harm that's already been done, though. That anxiety has been there all of my life and I realize now that that anxiety has shaped me into the person that I am now. I feared my anxiety and I tried for a long time to ignore it. I resented it. Even though I knew that it was a part of me, I had to hate it, so I ended up hating myself as well. Hating oneself is terrible and one of the worst hells imaginable. I don't want to make my dad to feel guilty for past things he knows now were bad. I don't want him to go through the same thoughts that I go through everyday. Anxiety runs in my family, and I don't want my dad to be hurt.

I care a lot about people. Like even people that I don't know. If somebody has like psychiatric issues, social issues, or anything, I want them to be able to get help without difficulty. For the longest time, I haven't been able to internalize that I can have those same issues and that the same thing could be extended to myself as well. My mind makes it difficult for me to be able to share my thoughts and feelings and to process them in a healthy manner. My mind is always kind of concerned that the person with whom I share those feelings would like absorb those issues and also become the same self-hating anxious mess. At the same time, my mind makes it so I don't want that person to see my issues and think of me as crazy or obnoxious. So I begin to hate myself more and more.

Last year, I was going through another episode after my first ever break-up. Because of that, in conjunction with having 50-60 hour work weeks, I needed something to stop my broken-ass mind. Like, I can't have a spontaneous breakdown working in a hospital. So I began using weed... a lot... like every-single-day a lot. I never showed up to work high, but it was still just a lot. Being high made it so I could finally open up to at least myself. I still wouldn't share those feelings with others though. Even if I did, I could just mask those thoughts by saying "ignore me, I'm high".

I realized that it wasn't healthy to be completely reliant on a psychoactive substance to share my issues. I kept telling myself that I'd quit using weed (and I did reduce use to 1-2 times weekly), but I just couldn't stop. In early June, I found out I'm going to have to pass a drug test in the Fall for nursing school. I don't know if it's going to be urine or hair, so I opted for the safest route in stopping for the next three months. While I've been without weed for approaching four weeks, it's been really rough. I had another episode where I was milliseconds from blowing up, but I finally decided that I needed help. I knew I needed to reach out to somebody, but my mind made it so it couldn't be anybody I knew really well. I instead posted in a queer furry Discord server, and somebody replied:

hm. again, i think dealing with those thoughts would be similar to how you approach anxiety- you dont know thats what theyre thinking, so why bother worrying about it?

i read (in a book about relationships, but i think the same thing applies) that it helps to take people's words at face value, and not let yourself read a deeper meaning into them. if you keep doing this, then people learn they need to actually tell you what they mean/are thinking
so if someone says "hi/good morning", dont go "oh no, do they actually want to see me, are they just being polite"
take it as literally good morning, and if they want to get across that they dont like you, theyre going to have to actually tell you
and if they dont, then assume they dont
I pasted it here in case it helps someone else too. Something about it kind of just shocked my system and made me realize this is anxiety. It's always been with me and it's always going to need to be managed. It's taken some time afterwards, but I've had to unpack exactly how this anxiety has manifested in my life. I've been able to reflect on how my mind works and just how much it's been affecting me. My therapist agreed with this self-assessment.

I'm now actively trying to manage my anxiety. I've been trying to catch my mind in the act of an anxious or paranoid or false-narrative thought and actively stop it from continuing on. The anxiety and paranoia poison my thoughts and it just doesn't help anyone. I've also started to voice my feelings and thoughts in a healthy manner more often, where they don't get jumbled up. I feel like I've been doing a lot better.

This leads us up to now. I've left every single Pokémon-related Discord server and haven't gone on PS in approaching two weeks. My best friend might be detoxing from PS soon too, so I don't know how that's going to affect me returning. I might come back in a few days or a week. Maybe a month or two. Maybe a year. Maybe I'll come back part-time. Maybe I'll find something new. Maybe something in between. The world is a really big and beautiful place, and there's a lot of really great things.

To my friends: I'm sorry if any of my messages have seemed weird or just completely off. It was my mind's self-sabotaging, fucked up way of trying to reach out for help. I don't even know if any of this message will make sense, but I realized recently that I need to get my stuff out there. The point is, I'm sorry I haven't done better up to this point, but I will.

I will do better.
 

GreenGogoatttt

very green
is a Tiering Contributor
I posted back in this thread in February 2016 and wrote that "I wouldn't really say I'm depressed." Well, flash forward to December 2018, and I was officially diagnosed with clinical depression. The ensuing half a year of my life was terrible. Like many who suffer from depression, I battled persistent sad and "empty" feelings, lost motivation to do social activities, and even had suicidal thoughts. I hurt myself multiple times and was even taken to the hospital and put under suicide watch. Yeah, it was pretty awful.
During school, I would sit in the bathroom by myself during lunch as I felt I had no friends, and it was the only way to escape. At home, I would spend most of my time alone, in the dark, in my room, obsessing over how every single word spoken to me or gesture made towards me during the day was negative. It was horrible and the absolute low point of my life. I was angry and upset over things that in the long-run, were not going to impact me at all. I honestly never would have gotten through it alone.
On the outside, everyone knew me as funny and outgoing, but on the inside, I was quietly burning. I lost interest in all the things I once loved - sports, going out with my friends, and even spending time with my family. I wanted to be alone, isolated from the outside world, so I would not have to continue the facade that I was happy.
I saw two different therapists, but overall, I learned that therapy wasn't for me (and that's okay)! I could never get comfortable talking to really anyone, especially my parents or the aforementioned therapists. The only person I felt safe talking to was one of my best friends. However, I struggled with feelings that I was torturing her by confiding in her. Did she actually feel comfortable talking to me about these heavy topics? Was I borderline emotionally abusing her by telling her all the scary thoughts in my head? In the end, she stopped being friends with me. She couldn't handle carrying the weight of what I was telling her (which is 100% understandable, not upset at all about her decision) and wanted to prioritize her own mental health first, which is important.
The following two days after our friendship ended, I didn't leave my room. I would sit by myself, in the dark, being sad and hopeless. At the time, I hated her. Of course, now I understand why she did what she did, and I back her decision fully. At the time, I felt betrayed; I could no longer talk to the one person I felt comfortable with. I refused to eat. I slept most of the day. Overall, it was easily the darkest time of my battle with depression.
I hated when people would tell me, "it'll get better soon" or "depression doesn't last forever". I would think to myself how none of that was true and how other people had no idea what I was going through, so they shouldn't give me stupid advice. However, I am here today to say that those people were right.
After seven months of torture, I won my fight against clinical depression. I still take anti-depressants and visit my psychologists once in a while, but I'm feeling one hundred times better overall. As someone who has survived struggling with mental illness, I want to tell people battling depression instead to not give up and that it will get better. I know that it seems like it will continue forever, but don't stop fighting. I promise that if you keep trying, eventually, things will get better. Those words aren't empty, either. I wanted to give up countless times. All I wanted to do was to stop feeling pain all the time. But I continued to fight. I continued to push myself to get up every morning. I continued to push myself to not sit alone in the dark for hours at a time. I continued to push myself to go out once in a while. In the end, I won; I beat depression, and there's no better feeling in the world.
When I struggled with depression and someone told me a story like this, I would hate it. And I know if you're out there fighting mental illness, you're probably feeling the same way. But I promise escaping the horrors of depression is real: that if you don't give up, eventually you'll win. There's no set timetable; it could take weeks, months, or even years. But if you continue to push to get better and believe in yourself and your support system, eventually you'll win.
For those struggling with mental illness now, I have a few tips of advice that helped me. First, never, ever, sit in the dark, being sad by yourself. Honestly, this is probably one of the worst things you can do. I would try to create a list of fun things to do, so you're never sitting around doing nothing. To this day, my list is one of my bookmarks, and I click it when I have nothing else to do. Mine includes Netflix shows, Animes, Movies, Podcasts, literally anything you can think of. I would also try to set a few goals that you can strive to: even something as silly as finishing a TV series. Being able to cross something off a list will hopefully make you feel productive and accomplished.
Taking this to the next level, try creating a list of actual productive things to do: exercising every day, going to one social event a week, helping out around the house, etc. Once again, setting and accomplishing goals provides feelings of success. For example, during my depression saga, I was in the middle of studying for the SATs. One of my goals was to get at least a 1400. After taking it three times, I scored a 1420 and felt so proud of myself.
Lastly, please try opening up to others. Having all those terrible feelings inside you bottled up is awful. Your parents or trusted friends are a good place to start, and then potentially going to therapy. Personally, therapy wasn't for me, but I know it was beneficial to others. Just keep in mind that unlike trained professionals, you're friends sometimes can't fully understand you or offer sound advice. They might also not be able to handle the emotional distress. If you don't have anyone you feel comfortable talking to, I will gladly talk to and try to help anyone who reaches at. You can contact me on Discord at emma stone fan#7254. I might not have all the answers, but I'm willing to listen to offer any help I can.
Dealing with depression has sparked a period of personal growth for me. I have learned that your self-perceptions are usually overly critical and often wrong. Even individuals who do not struggle with mental illness routinely underrate themselves. It is often difficult to challenge these thoughts because you ‘feel’ they are valid even if you ‘know’ they are not.
I know depression can make it seem like it'll never get better, but that's not true. As long as you don't let depression win, it will get better. I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I promise, as someone who has beat depression, it's true. I did not choose depression, but it helped make me who I am today. I hope to use this experience to spread awareness on mental illness and let others know who struggle with depression that one day, it will be okay.
 

Mr.E

im the best
is a Pre-Contributoris a Past SPL Champion
I saw two different therapists, but overall, I learned that therapy wasn't for me (and that's okay)!
Worth mentioning to all those who push therapy as the cure-all to every depressed person's woes. Speaking for myself only, I'm already introspective as all fuck and do plenty enough talking through shit, mostly shouting into the void that is the Internet. I have no unaddressed trauma lurking deep within to reveal, I have a practical problem. Therapy doesn't solve practical problems.

Though I'm not convinced my situation will ever improve, I'm past suicidal ideation and on the "continue to live if only to spite the cosmic forces of the universe that so blatantly loathe my existence" train.
 

Finchinator

We'll be a fine line
is a Top Social Media Contributoris a Forum Moderatoris a Community Contributoris a Tiering Contributoris a Contributor to Smogonis a Top Smogon Media Contributoris a Battle Simulator Moderatoris a Super Moderator Alumnusis a Past WCoP Championis a former Tournament Circuit Champion
BW Circuit Champion
Worth mentioning to all those who push therapy as the cure-all to every depressed person's woes. Speaking for myself only, I'm already introspective as all fuck and do plenty enough talking through shit, mostly shouting into the void that is the Internet. I have no unaddressed trauma lurking deep within to reveal, I have a practical problem. Therapy doesn't solve practical problems.

Though I'm not convinced my situation will ever improve, I'm past suicidal ideation and on the "continue to live if only to spite the cosmic forces of the universe that so blatantly loathe my existence" train.
After sharing a couple of chats with you over the years, I will say that your situation differs from my situation. In fact, everyone has unique situations and we all have our own processes that should all be respected. Personally, I hope that you encounter more positivity and happiness in life moving forward. I know you have been through a lot of negative experiences and I hope that better days are ahead. I hope you are doing ok through this pandemic, too.

With this said, I believe that for myself and for countless others who I know, therapy can be a great medium for reflection and growth. I think it is important to establish that there is no "cure-all" solution as we all suffer from different ailments, interact with them in our own unique ways, and oftentimes encounter individual-specific roadblocks along the way.

With this said, therapy can help us identify these conditions or the roadblocks they come alongside. Therapy can also help us grow more comfortable with these circumstances or get past them. Therapy oftentimes helps us learn how to solve problems we frequently encounter and it is recommended for most people who believe they are struggling with their mental health. This is not to say that it will always help everyone, but it is to say that a lot of people benefit from it.

In light of recent events in the world and online, I hope that people of Smogon are doing alright. This thread can always be used as a safe space for those who need to vent, but if anyone needs a private (confidential) space and is comfortable, then my PMs are always open.
 

Yami

Pretty in Pink
is a Tiering Contributor Alumnusis a Contributor Alumnus
With how my recent behavior has been, I feel like I just need to put everything out in the open. I struggle with depression, axienity and have panic attacks. I had depression that is on and off from my fiancee passing away when I was 17, then the next year it was a teacher that taught me in hs and lastly my grandpa when I was 19. I blamed myself for 2/3 deaths because I caused them many many problems over the years. I am not feeling good enough constantly with anything I do and feel worthless.

I try to tell myself I am just a slow learner compared to others, but that simply is not true either. I have worked in this deli (walmart) for 2 months now and am still struggling with things I shouldn't be. I am also struggling to live up to the expectations with me in battles, and feel unwelcomed on smogon. There are people that have been here shorter than I have on smogon, but already am better than me when I have been trying over the years, and failed to make mpl last year while most of my friends did, and all my friends that did got in this year over 3k, while I was just a 3k pick. All I hear about is what I did wrong, and people do not accept the changes I have made to my character. I used to love writing analyses and gave it 100% effort on 90% of the ones I did, I have people told me I do not deserve it and wondered why I have it in my badgeset right now.

More onto the unwlecomed part. I try my best to try to be active and contribute, def at the start of gen 8, but slowly declined because of the negatively people have against me. Everything I try my best in is not enough and everything I do is wrong, no matter how much effort I put into it. I even had people hate me that I never personally talked to before, which really disheatraned me right from the start from some communities on here. It got worse the more i try to contribute or be active in communites, as well which makes me think im the problem. Over the three years I been here, I have been attacked for my gender, sexuality, been doxxed and seen many many hurtful things and jokes people have made about me, but yet 90 of the time I blame myself for being lgbt, or not putting on a mask over my real personality that lead me down a dark path and had me thinking I was a problem that should cease to exist, there has been times I have done wrong, but it should not be every word that I type out. I have tried to get + or qc in 1v1 or mono, but failed to because I simply did not feel confident I was good enough. I am tired of the pain in my heart from this, worrying everyone, and having very constant thoughts about taking my own life. I should not have to suffer a breakdown over every L in a team tour because of backlash i usually reciveve.

My irl is not much better, I cannot be out to my parents about being trans cuz of my dad being a pastor and christian, and had a broken relationship with them p much my whole life. I have constant fighting with them, and cannot enjoy my hobbies as if they want me to do something, I have to do it, because this game is not important to them, in fact not of my hobbies are. I do not talk about my personal problems to them, and just let it bottle up inside since if i say anything to a friend / team server i thought i could trust, I would see it in some discord to people that did not like me and use it against me. I am struggling to find a job in my field and have two degrees sitting in my room that should not be since they are IT related, and stuck working a basic job and not doing to well at it, because every single job interview that was related to my field rejected me. I have no safe place right now, I feel like every action I take in either discord, irl, or smogon someone will call me out on it, and feel like I am the problem when drama occurs on a discord server or elsewhere over something i either said or did in the very past or very recent. I am very sorry to everyone, but I cannot take it anymore, I cant take the constant stress, hatred and feeling unwelcomed on smogon. I had lost motivation for mostly everything, as the little things I enjoy in life cause me stress, I keep telling myself things be ok and it isnt, I keep feeling this way, a constant knife into my heart, keep having constact thoughts I am a bad person and should rot in hell, I am to blame of what I go though, and I am not good enough. The world is simply better off without me, and I am choosing to accept it. I am sorry if this post seems confusing, my thoughts are all over the place. I am sorry, to everyone that tried to help me last night, I am sorry for everyone that I am a failure at everything and as a human being, I am done fighting this losing battle, goodbye.
 
With how my recent behavior has been, I feel like I just need to put everything out in the open. I struggle with depression, axienity and have panic attacks. I had depression that is on and off from my fiancee passing away when I was 17, then the next year it was a teacher that taught me in hs and lastly my grandpa when I was 19. I blamed myself for 2/3 deaths because I caused them many many problems over the years. I am not feeling good enough constantly with anything I do and feel worthless.

I try to tell myself I am just a slow learner compared to others, but that simply is not true either. I have worked in this deli (walmart) for 2 months now and am still struggling with things I shouldn't be. I am also struggling to live up to the expectations with me in battles, and feel unwelcomed on smogon. There are people that have been here shorter than I have on smogon, but already am better than me when I have been trying over the years, and failed to make mpl last year while most of my friends did, and all my friends that did got in this year over 3k, while I was just a 3k pick. All I hear about is what I did wrong, and people do not accept the changes I have made to my character. I used to love writing analyses and gave it 100% effort on 90% of the ones I did, I have people told me I do not deserve it and wondered why I have it in my badgeset right now.

More onto the unwlecomed part. I try my best to try to be active and contribute, def at the start of gen 8, but slowly declined because of the negatively people have against me. Everything I try my best in is not enough and everything I do is wrong, no matter how much effort I put into it. I even had people hate me that I never personally talked to before, which really disheatraned me right from the start from some communities on here. It got worse the more i try to contribute or be active in communites, as well which makes me think im the problem. Over the three years I been here, I have been attacked for my gender, sexuality, been doxxed and seen many many hurtful things and jokes people have made about me, but yet 90 of the time I blame myself for being lgbt, or not putting on a mask over my real personality that lead me down a dark path and had me thinking I was a problem that should cease to exist, there has been times I have done wrong, but it should not be every word that I type out. I have tried to get + or qc in 1v1 or mono, but failed to because I simply did not feel confident I was good enough. I am tired of the pain in my heart from this, worrying everyone, and having very constant thoughts about taking my own life. I should not have to suffer a breakdown over every L in a team tour because of backlash i usually reciveve.

My irl is not much better, I cannot be out to my parents about being trans cuz of my dad being a pastor and christian, and had a broken relationship with them p much my whole life. I have constant fighting with them, and cannot enjoy my hobbies as if they want me to do something, I have to do it, because this game is not important to them, in fact not of my hobbies are. I do not talk about my personal problems to them, and just let it bottle up inside since if i say anything to a friend / team server i thought i could trust, I would see it in some discord to people that did not like me and use it against me. I am struggling to find a job in my field and have two degrees sitting in my room that should not be since they are IT related, and stuck working a basic job and not doing to well at it, because every single job interview that was related to my field rejected me. I have no safe place right now, I feel like every action I take in either discord, irl, or smogon someone will call me out on it, and feel like I am the problem when drama occurs on a discord server or elsewhere over something i either said or did in the very past or very recent. I am very sorry to everyone, but I cannot take it anymore, I cant take the constant stress, hatred and feeling unwelcomed on smogon. I had lost motivation for mostly everything, as the little things I enjoy in life cause me stress, I keep telling myself things be ok and it isnt, I keep feeling this way, a constant knife into my heart, keep having constact thoughts I am a bad person and should rot in hell, I am to blame of what I go though, and I am not good enough. The world is simply better off without me, and I am choosing to accept it. I am sorry if this post seems confusing, my thoughts are all over the place. I am sorry, to everyone that tried to help me last night, I am sorry for everyone that I am a failure at everything and as a human being, I am done fighting this losing battle, goodbye.
Love, it is perfectly OKAY to feel confused, upset, and worried. These hard times and downs we experience in life will strengthen us in the future. There is not perfect at all in life. I am apart of the LGBT community as well, and I admit it is extremely hard dealing with being accepted for who you are + dealing with natural stress like losing loved ones. Starting off with people on Smogon/PS making fun of you; you are an amazing person Yami. And it's okay to be angry at the people. The people making fun of you, are Low-Lifes, they are BENEATH you. People that make fun of other people consistently over and over have nothing else better to do in their lives. It's not you that needs to take a look in the mirror, it's them. Personally, I feel like you are a very experienced player, you've written so many analyses for so many tiers; I've personally just went through your entire BIO one time. You are NOT a loser, I think you need to take this time and vent to someone and/or find who you are. And when you know who that person is, and who you wanna be in life, you own in. Do NOT let this Server tell you otherwise or make you feel down in any way. At one point in time, they had "I not a racist" meme thread during the BLM movement (AND BLM IS YEAR LONG), and I was extremely pissed. If I wasn't the one who reported it, I am pretty sure it'd still be there. Off-topic a little, but Yami, I am ALWAYS here for anyone, especially you, now seeing this. I am a Peer Mediator/SAVE Youth Member/Community Conference Advocate in real life. Please DM me if you are comfortable talking to me, and you will get through this.

roxanne#3085
 
I've been going through depression for about 6 years now after getting constantly bullied in school for years and i also went to a psychotherapy 2 years ago, but the psychotherapy focused mostly on my fear to interact with other people and only had a temporary positive effect on me. I'm 24 now and just had another emotional breakdown for 5 days since last friday and if it were not for a few friends i've met last year and a few online interacts/friends trying to talk through with me and give me some sort of hope i would probably not be alive now to write this post.

I would like to go deeper through my fears and past, but i'm on phone rn and my english writing skills aren't all that great either, but basically friends who care about you be it irl or online can help you go through the worst times and a psychotherapy isn't the cure it all many people think it is, tho it helps many people with mental illness no doubt.
 

Robyn

blorb.
is a Battle Simulator Admin Alumnusis a Community Leader Alumnus
hi.

I want to preface by saying this is not a directly LGBT-related post, though many of the other issues in my life atm do intersect with my identity in some way or another. Overall, I’m happy and secure with who I am - that particular depression which I dealt with for years is gone - however now I’m stuck in an entirely different rut.

With that said, here we go: I was admittedly somewhat hesitant to make this post because I was uncertain how it would be received; there are a lot of people on this site who I’ve hurt or left terrible impressions on, in addition to those who have become my friends. But in the end I’ve decided I need to, just as a way to hopefully let the people who care about me understand what I’m actually going through since I can’t seem to ever say it all outright one-on-one, as well as to hopefully let the people who don’t care too much for me at all understand that I’m human, just like they are.

2019 was absolutely the hardest year of my life, but by the end of it I was in an amazing state mentally. Really, finally prepared to take life head-on, and live it to the fullest while I was at it. This continued right up until around March of this year, when suddenly just as it did for everyone else, “life” as I knew it at the end of last year simply ceased to exist for the indefinite future.

This hit me like an absolute ton of bricks. Everything that I had planned, everything that I had hoped for, all of it felt like it was gone forever, especially as time went on. I felt as though I had lost the first half of my teenage years to gender dysphoria, and right as I was ready to really set things on the right path, I had lost the second half to the end of the world.

At first I found ways to manage. I picked up a couple new hobbies, I started reading again, and I put a lot of my free time and energy into Smogon & PS. I was trying as hard as I could to keep my mind off things in any way possible, but by late May it was simply inescapable and on a particularly dark night, I self-harmed for the first time in my life.

One cut, that’s all. Just one self-destructive urge because I hated myself for throwing my life away that I just couldn’t control on a particularly terrible night, right? No. That “one cut” on that “one night” set me into a funk far, far worse than before. I gave my dying sleep schedule the coup de grace, and haven’t slept before 2am a single night since then. My decision to give up my positions on PS to focus on keeping my life on-track helped marginally for a time, but ultimately it was not enough.

So June came and went. Same shit; day in, day out. Night in, night out. Sometimes on the surface I would feel OK, or a night spent venting to a friend would leave me with some superficial “breakthrough” which would help for a couple days, but that overall feeling - the deep down, existential bit of it - was still nagging at me even as I told everyone who ever asked that I felt fine. How can I explain all this to someone, even if they are my closest friend? I told myself.

Enter, July! This month! The month for which, week after week, I’ve watched as the dates come and then go that my best friend and I set this winter for all the countless things we wanted to do to celebrate being friends for ten years. One after the next after the next, made impossible by no fault of our own. It was all just simply too heavy for me to take anymore when put on top of everything else; my horrible home life which now felt inescapable and my relationship with my parents, the fact that I continue to struggle to see a real future for myself, all of it. About two weeks ago my parents went out in the afternoon, and while I was home alone I grabbed a knife with every intention of putting an end to it all.

Thankfully, I just couldn’t do it. I stood there and I thought about how my friends would feel, and what it would do to people. It wasn’t hard for me to imagine, as my cousin had gone through with it several years ago, and in the end I just couldn’t bring myself to do that to the people I cared about. Since that day I’ve bounced back somewhat, but I’d just be lying again if I said the thoughts weren’t still there or that my feelings had changed.

I’ve read back through the previous paragraphs of this post, and honestly I don’t know what to say in conclusion. I don’t know what I have hoped to achieve here at all; if this is a call for help or just some rambling on. All I know is I’m sad and I’m alone and I’ve been in a dark place for a long time now. I don’t want to hurt anymore, but everywhere I look I see more reminders of the pain. I’ve only just scratched the very top level of the surface with this post; there’s so much more I could say with regard to my anxiety, my PTSD, my experiences with sexual abuse in a different online community years ago, etc. etc. all of which also haunt me and contribute in each of their own horrible ways to this struggle, but I think for now what I already wrote will have to suffice. Thanks for reading.
 
hi.

I want to preface by saying this is not a directly LGBT-related post, though many of the other issues in my life atm do intersect with my identity in some way or another. Overall, I’m happy and secure with who I am - that particular depression which I dealt with for years is gone - however now I’m stuck in an entirely different rut.

With that said, here we go: I was admittedly somewhat hesitant to make this post because I was uncertain how it would be received; there are a lot of people on this site who I’ve hurt or left terrible impressions on, in addition to those who have become my friends. But in the end I’ve decided I need to, just as a way to hopefully let the people who care about me understand what I’m actually going through since I can’t seem to ever say it all outright one-on-one, as well as to hopefully let the people who don’t care too much for me at all understand that I’m human, just like they are.

2019 was absolutely the hardest year of my life, but by the end of it I was in an amazing state mentally. Really, finally prepared to take life head-on, and live it to the fullest while I was at it. This continued right up until around March of this year, when suddenly just as it did for everyone else, “life” as I knew it at the end of last year simply ceased to exist for the indefinite future.

This hit me like an absolute ton of bricks. Everything that I had planned, everything that I had hoped for, all of it felt like it was gone forever, especially as time went on. I felt as though I had lost the first half of my teenage years to gender dysphoria, and right as I was ready to really set things on the right path, I had lost the second half to the end of the world.

At first I found ways to manage. I picked up a couple new hobbies, I started reading again, and I put a lot of my free time and energy into Smogon & PS. I was trying as hard as I could to keep my mind off things in any way possible, but by late May it was simply inescapable and on a particularly dark night, I self-harmed for the first time in my life.

One cut, that’s all. Just one self-destructive urge because I hated myself for throwing my life away that I just couldn’t control on a particularly terrible night, right? No. That “one cut” on that “one night” set me into a funk far, far worse than before. I gave my dying sleep schedule the coup de grace, and haven’t slept before 2am a single night since then. My decision to give up my positions on PS to focus on keeping my life on-track helped marginally for a time, but ultimately it was not enough.

So June came and went. Same shit; day in, day out. Night in, night out. Sometimes on the surface I would feel OK, or a night spent venting to a friend would leave me with some superficial “breakthrough” which would help for a couple days, but that overall feeling - the deep down, existential bit of it - was still nagging at me even as I told everyone who ever asked that I felt fine. How can I explain all this to someone, even if they are my closest friend? I told myself.

Enter, July! This month! The month for which, week after week, I’ve watched as the dates come and then go that my best friend and I set this winter for all the countless things we wanted to do to celebrate being friends for ten years. One after the next after the next, made impossible by no fault of our own. It was all just simply too heavy for me to take anymore when put on top of everything else; my horrible home life which now felt inescapable and my relationship with my parents, the fact that I continue to struggle to see a real future for myself, all of it. About two weeks ago my parents went out in the afternoon, and while I was home alone I grabbed a knife with every intention of putting an end to it all.

Thankfully, I just couldn’t do it. I stood there and I thought about how my friends would feel, and what it would do to people. It wasn’t hard for me to imagine, as my cousin had gone through with it several years ago, and in the end I just couldn’t bring myself to do that to the people I cared about. Since that day I’ve bounced back somewhat, but I’d just be lying again if I said the thoughts weren’t still there or that my feelings had changed.

I’ve read back through the previous paragraphs of this post, and honestly I don’t know what to say in conclusion. I don’t know what I have hoped to achieve here at all; if this is a call for help or just some rambling on. All I know is I’m sad and I’m alone and I’ve been in a dark place for a long time now. I don’t want to hurt anymore, but everywhere I look I see more reminders of the pain. I’ve only just scratched the very top level of the surface with this post; there’s so much more I could say with regard to my anxiety, my PTSD, my experiences with sexual abuse in a different online community years ago, etc. etc. all of which also haunt me and contribute in each of their own horrible ways to this struggle, but I think for now what I already wrote will have to suffice. Thanks for reading.
No matter if it's a call for help or rambling on, telling other people and sharing your feelings is good. I don't know you very well (obviously), but just know I can somewhat understand your pain. I do not share nearly the same experiences as you, but some of the same feelings. If you ever want to talk about it feel free to shoot me a PM. I hope this year gets better for you.
 
recently moved from singapore to massachusetts. massive jump. i can hardly talk to my friends unless theyre up in the middle of the night or i am, i dont know anyone here since all the fkn people nearby are adults or literal children, theres no way in hell im gonna rant about my dysphoria to my conservative parents, siblings are too young. its not fun. i need a hug.

in other news i picked up embroidery and made a chingling and i think it cured my anxiety
 
I feel that as the days in quarantine go by, I just get more and more depressed. I haven't studied for the exams I have to take to ingress in university for about 3 weeks now, and the worst part is: I don't feel guilty. I just feel... nothing. Paired with the fact that my older sister got COVID19. I'm getting numb. I just really miss my friends, they were a big driving force for me to get excited to go to school and get out of bed. This has been the worst year of my life so far, I really can't wait for all of this to end, I jus feel so exhausted mentally.
 

lighthouses

Chasing after dreamers in the clouds
is a Tiering Contributor
How have people been dealing with quarantine? After 4 or so months im personally beggining to feel like all the progress ive made with my treatment over the years is just kinda gone by now lol
Looking for some different perspectives on this and thought this thread would be a neat place to do that
 
How have people been dealing with quarantine? After 4 or so months im personally beggining to feel like all the progress ive made with my treatment over the years is just kinda gone by now lol
Looking for some different perspectives on this and thought this thread would be a neat place to do that
I would say I'm in a similar place tbh. I've done a lot of mental care this year, and it's really helped until this mess happened. It got my job and that really hurt too. Quarantine has definitely made it worse.
 
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How have people been dealing with quarantine? After 4 or so months im personally beggining to feel like all the progress ive made with my treatment over the years is just kinda gone by now lol
Looking for some different perspectives on this and thought this thread would be a neat place to do that
I'll leave a disclaimer saying that it's 3 AM as I'm writing this in between patients at a busy emergency department. I have a day off tomorrow and will try to clarify if need be lol. Sorry this sounds vague and/or scattered.

Honestly, it's been difficult to tell if the quarantine has been exacerbating my negative emotions or simply revealing how bad they actually are. I hadn't been the most in-tune with my emotions up until relatively recently, but this quarantine has kind of forced me to confront these emotions. I can't tell if I'm actually feeling better or worse, or my mind is just forcing me to think that way. I want to be able to "test" these new emotions and feelings by going out to meet with people IRL, but the quarantine prevents that. Also, there's no end in sight (thanks America!).

On the other hand though, I feel like I've been able to distill my emotions more, figure out exactly what I want, and how to motivate myself to get there. That sounds really vague, so I'll give an example: my schedule for workdays used to be go to the gym for two hours, shower, drive to work, and eat at work for 1.5 hours, then work for 8-11 hours. I used to have to schedule out days when I would go out to do things.

Obviously, my days are a lot less fully-structured now. I can't just drive somewhere and force myself to do something now. I don't need to schedule my fun and I've learned how to self-motivate. I think I've been able to develop a spontaneous nature that I follow through with and try to live more in the moment. This has kind of been conflicting with my disassociative tendencies, so that's been fun, but I think things are improving.

I think I'm getting better, but I don't know if I am, and I can't verify it either way. I think I'm doing okay.

Rating: 6/10
 

Eve

be kind!
is a member of the Site Staffis a Community Contributoris a Contributor to Smogonis a Forum Moderator Alumnus
I should make this post. It feels really obnoxious but I've put it off long enough, so please feel free to just ignore it. I'm fine, nothing terrible's happened, I just need to vent, even if I feel horrible putting this on others.

I've been depressed to some extent since... never mind, I can't really place it. With all the shit everyone put me through from every angle as a kid due to my Asperger's (kids at school bullying me both verbally and physically, family mocking me), I just chose to shut off and ignore my emotions the best I could for most of my life, which makes it very hard to recall how I was actually feeling.

My Asperger's still heavily and negatively impacts me to this day, unsurprisingly. For me, Asperger's has made self-expression and socialising very difficult to get a grip on. I often feel that I either talk far too much whenever someone isn't in the mood to talk, or have no clue what to say when they are, and that I'm totally incapable of noticing that in the moment. It also means that I often process and understand things differently to others which leads to a whole lot of unfortunate misunderstandings, usually leaving me wishing I never spoke. I also have- well, I don't know what it actually is. I only ever got diagnosed for Asperger's. I find it extremely hard to bring myself to do most things, even if I know that they're vital to my success, and even when I start my attention tends to wander or be completely lost from even the smallest distractions. I usually only find myself able to start and finish stuff I find mentally stimulating, and even then I can get burned out on those things ridiculously quickly. Nobody around me seems to understand any of this at all. I'm called lazy, a waste of potential, ungrateful for my opportunities, and more, despite trying to explain myself numerous times. And that's just by my own mother, whom I have the delight of still living with. Sometimes I wonder if she's right. I also struggle with what I can only assume is heavy anxiety, which leads me to overthink every decision to the point where I never actually get anything done and often drive myself to mental breakdowns, during which I have a tendency to instead make exclusively terrible decisions.

Just in case there wasn't enough already, in late 2018 I realised I was trans. I recognised that the feeling of unease my own reflection and voice caused me for my entire life were actually the result of repressed gender dysphoria, and by acknowledging this I ended the repression. I'd love to get treatment for the distress this brings me every single day, but it just so happens I live in the UK where the process for doing so spans across several years and is subject to heavy gatekeeping that I don't feel I could handle with my level of anxiety. This isn't even considering my sadly reasonable fear of being "othered" further by society if I were to socially transition, especially as I live in possibly the most "traditional" part of England (Sussex). It also isn't considering how utterly useless my close family have been since I've confided in a few of them- a year and 6 months later and I'm yet to be referred to by my name at all or actively supported in any way other than being told "I support you" by them. I only feel like I can really be myself online.

In the last year, as a culmination of all these things, my depression has worsened to the point where I rarely leave the house of my own accord. To be honest, the only reason I get up some days is because my mum is strangely insistent on everyone being up and awake before midday. I used to at least have university to get me out the house, even if I felt 0 motivation for it this year, but with COVID even that's gone. I've completely failed to keep up with the online content provided this year, and when exams came around I chose to not bother at all. So here I am, dropping out after two years of my computer science course, despite my mum's best efforts to force me to resit exams with the threat of making me homeless. In a moment of poor judgement a few months ago I cut contact with most of my IRL friends, especially those at university, meaning I'm basically limited to talking to people online. With all this, combined with my mum and university pushing terrifying deadlines on me, I've considered giving up on life more times than I'd like to admit. Even with all my great online friends being there for me as much as I can reasonably expect, I still don't feel any sense of self-worth or relief. The best I can do is distract myself and try to not give the existential dread any attention, and that inevitably fails quite often, especially with my ever-shortening temper.

I really need to stress this- I don't plan on giving up. Too many people need me. I'll keep keeping on, I'll keep trying my best to smile. Just please understand that I'll fail sometimes. Thank you to everyone who's been there for me even at my worst, everyone who sends me cute Pokemon pictures and makes small talk, everyone who's listened to me ramble about LGPE or something when they could be doing anything else with their time, everyone who's made me feel useful- you all make smiling a lot easier. And if anyone here needs a shoulder to lean on, maybe we can do an exchange. <3
 
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UberSkitty

cuz I got banned from gen 8
is a Contributor to Smogon
I'm gonna be honest, I have no idea why I'm posting now. It's just been a while since I posted here, despite you all being able to see my last post here at the top of this page. Otherwise, it'll have been 3 months since that post and, within a couple of weeks, it'll have been 6 months since my overdose. And to be fully honest, I'm just a mess right now. Motivation is a huge struggle for me, it can take 10 minutes for me to get out of bed to use the bathroom or something, no exaggeration. I've also barely gone outside, and when I have I've been very slow and out of shape with my legs shaking whenever I'm on stairs. I've also barely been eating. Outside of a special occasion, my days usually consist of cereal in the morning and an apple or some saltines later on. Even then I look down at my stomach and just see a lump of fat. I've also gone back to cutting myself, first with mechanical pencils and then scissors, something I managed to stop for months before. I do it on my high thigh though so my roommate doesn't see the scratches when I get to college. And oh yeah, college is about to start for me, with only one friend going to the same one as me, albeit I'm lucky for having her. My roommate seems cool, but so much could go wrong with him and it's stressful. Another thing in college is that I'll be managing my medications in college, meaning I'll have access to the entire bottles and I can't even say for sure I won't try to overdoes again. I went outside for someone I know's birthday party, and even though I knew and want to say I'm close with a lot of them, I just felt isolated. It's almost becoming the same online. I feel like I add nothing to these communities, and have even not put in the effort to learn PU's new meta, a tier that I've been involved in for years. I've also lost my ability to draw. I no longer have the patience and to make things worse my hand shakes whenever I try to write or draw. At this point my life is just being a test subject for useless medications. Medications are actually difficult for me to swallow since having them in my hand/mouth makes me think of the overdoes. Often the best part of my day is when I'm asleep and the worst is when I wake up in the morning. Sometimes all I can do is look at my Skitty plush and think it's all for her. Other than that the only coping skill I've got is looking at suicide memes, which do actually make me feel better but at the expense of thinking of suicide more. In less than a week I'll be in college, and all I can hope is that a change of scenery will change something for me too. I've probably forgotten something I wanted to mention but oh well.
 
I'm gonna be honest, I have no idea why I'm posting now. It's just been a while since I posted here, despite you all being able to see my last post here at the top of this page. Otherwise, it'll have been 3 months since that post and, within a couple of weeks, it'll have been 6 months since my overdose. And to be fully honest, I'm just a mess right now. Motivation is a huge struggle for me, it can take 10 minutes for me to get out of bed to use the bathroom or something, no exaggeration. I've also barely gone outside, and when I have I've been very slow and out of shape with my legs shaking whenever I'm on stairs. I've also barely been eating. Outside of a special occasion, my days usually consist of cereal in the morning and an apple or some saltines later on. Even then I look down at my stomach and just see a lump of fat. I've also gone back to cutting myself, first with mechanical pencils and then scissors, something I managed to stop for months before. I do it on my high thigh though so my roommate doesn't see the scratches when I get to college. And oh yeah, college is about to start for me, with only one friend going to the same one as me, albeit I'm lucky for having her. My roommate seems cool, but so much could go wrong with him and it's stressful. Another thing in college is that I'll be managing my medications in college, meaning I'll have access to the entire bottles and I can't even say for sure I won't try to overdoes again. I went outside for someone I know's birthday party, and even though I knew and want to say I'm close with a lot of them, I just felt isolated. It's almost becoming the same online. I feel like I add nothing to these communities, and have even not put in the effort to learn PU's new meta, a tier that I've been involved in for years. I've also lost my ability to draw. I no longer have the patience and to make things worse my hand shakes whenever I try to write or draw. At this point my life is just being a test subject for useless medications. Medications are actually difficult for me to swallow since having them in my hand/mouth makes me think of the overdoes. Often the best part of my day is when I'm asleep and the worst is when I wake up in the morning. Sometimes all I can do is look at my Skitty plush and think it's all for her. Other than that the only coping skill I've got is looking at suicide memes, which do actually make me feel better but at the expense of thinking of suicide more. In less than a week I'll be in college, and all I can hope is that a change of scenery will change something for me too. I've probably forgotten something I wanted to mention but oh well.
I understand the feeling. I had a similar issue with motivation, and for me my help was my friends. Do your friends give you the kind of support you need? I can say for sure that people who give you support and the time of day really help, so reach out to your friends if you haven't already. And if you ever wanted to, I've had a lot of experiences with depression in my past, so please send me a message. Those of us that have been there and know how shitty it is are here to help, so don't hesitate to hit me up. Honestly, I think the change of scenery will help.

Again, please don't hesitate to contact me if you like. I think that talking to people is sometimes the best motivation and medicine in its own right. I'm here for you!
 

Soul Fly

IMMA TEACH YOU WHAT SPLASHIN' MEANS
is a Contributor Alumnus
How have people been dealing with quarantine? After 4 or so months im personally beggining to feel like all the progress ive made with my treatment over the years is just kinda gone by now lol
Looking for some different perspectives on this and thought this thread would be a neat place to do that
I have had a similar experience with my mental health. It has backslid massively over the past 5-6 months or so (quarantine kicked off end-march in my place). I think it's not much as the work being undone. But rather you don't get to exercise the mechanisms you have developed for your own well being in this kind of a context. Repairing and maintaining mental health is dependent upon your ability to connect and be vulnerable with others, your ability thrive professionally and otherwise, and just... get out if things get to bad for you cooped up in your bedroom.

Guess what are the exact things that a quarantine hampers.

The living conditions it imposes are basically depression simulator.

2020 has been a very bad year of my life. I have been trapped indoors, without work. I wasn't particularly a social person to begin with but the quarantine has basically meant I have had next-to-zero social contact with anyone other than my flatmate, who is also broke and in a torrid place mentally. So yeah that's been fun. I have been managing various physical ailments on my own too afraid to do a hospital visit because here rn hospitals are hotspots overflowing with COVID patients and visiting one (even with precautions) exposes you to a significant risk of transmission.

Last week I had to suspend therapy because I can't afford it anymore for the time being. Not that it was helping much anymore, given that we could only ever interact over the internet. If anything the half-measure, coupled with the place I was in with therapy, was reinforcing my feelings of frustration and helplessness. But it was a gut wrenching thing to walk away from.

I spent the last two years of my life climbing out of a seriously bad place, making a life of sorts and saving money to become self-sufficient and make some moves for my future. I was figuring out and investing my time and money into passion projects which would hopefully turn out to be the big break I needed in my life. All of that evaporated, in a few months. In front of my eyes. All I could really do, was watch, trying to desperately keep it together.

It sucks.

Fortunately I still have a home and the lights are on (let's see for how long). But other than that my life has basically fallen apart. I have no idea how I am gonna put it back together.
 
not sure why im posting this, guess i just wanted to rant.

i've struggled with depression over the last several years, while i'm nowhere near as bad as i used to be, i find myself falling back into depressive episodes on occasion, contemplating self harm again. but i've improved a lot and i'm grateful for that, i used to be a lot worse, three years ago i tried to kill myself by walking in front of a car, didn't die, didn't break anything, was just sore for a week.

that was in 2017, ive made progress. i have, at least i think i have convinced myself i dont wanna die yet. i wanna try to make this life work, no matter how much i doubt i'll ever be able to enjoy it. a world where my existence is seen as a political statement and people regularly debate my right to live in a way I feel comfortable.

i dated a girl for almost two years just for her to cheat on me with a minor, manipulate me and abuse me, it would've been our two year anniversary today so that's on my mind. during that time i lost many friends, lost some of the people closest to me because i was being stubborn and stupid. putting up with being cheated on, regular threats of self harm, gaslighting and i thought everything was fine because I'm incapable of understanding when I'm being mistreated.

i lose all my friends over time, i just grow distant or i do stupid things and then they don't wanna talk to me anymore. i only have myself to blame. i try to make new friends and be good to them but it's incredibly difficult when every second of every conversation all i worry about is whether or not I'm annoying them or if they're not interested in talking to me. my psychiatrist says my anxiety is really bad and tried to push me to take medication for it but I'm stubborn and the thought of taking medication that messes with my brain scares me.

i literally avoid talking to people i want to talk to all the time because i'm routinely worried that i'm going to annoy them or that they hate me and they're just being nice. i piss off everyone on this site by making dumbass callout posts that try to give me some sort of self worth as if people care about what i have to say. and people clearly don't want to deal with someone who starts drama all the time.

currently working a dumb job i hate while i try to go back to my degree. I didn't have the motivation to complete it years ago so why would I now. it's a waste of money and time i won't get through it but i have no idea what i want to do with my life. i have no interests, everything annoys me.

my parents don't respect me enough to call me my name despite the fact I've been out to them as trans for four years and I've been transitioning for a year now. literally every other individual in my life does right now, all my irl friends, my sister and cousin, everyone online. my dad gets a kick out of seeing me upset when he calls my deadname and will repeat it over and over just to be a complete ass. "you won't get a job if you transition" is another one of his favourites, like he's trying to make some sort of point instead of being a miserable old fuck.

I bottle this up inside a lot and I'm sorry that I ranted about a lot of things I just needed to get it out somewhere, if I should delete this just let me know. thank you for reading, I'm safe, I'm just upset.
 

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