Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread

[Eve]

I should make this post. It feels really obnoxious but I've put it off long enough, so please feel free to just ignore it. I'm fine, nothing terrible's happened, I just need to vent, even if I feel horrible putting this on others.

long

I've been depressed to some extent since... never mind, I can't really place it. With all the shit everyone put me through from every angle as a kid due to my Asperger's (kids at school bullying me both verbally and physically, family mocking me), I just chose to shut off and ignore my emotions the best I could for most of my life, which makes it very hard to recall how I was actually feeling.

My Asperger's still heavily and negatively impacts me to this day, unsurprisingly. For me, Asperger's has made self-expression and socialising very difficult to get a grip on. I often feel that I either talk far too much whenever someone isn't in the mood to talk, or have no clue what to say when they are, and that I'm totally incapable of noticing that in the moment. It also means that I often process and understand things differently to others which leads to a whole lot of unfortunate misunderstandings, usually leaving me wishing I never spoke. I also have- well, I don't know what it actually is. I only ever got diagnosed for Asperger's. I find it extremely hard to bring myself to do most things, even if I know that they're vital to my success, and even when I start my attention tends to wander or be completely lost from even the smallest distractions. I usually only find myself able to start and finish stuff I find mentally stimulating, and even then I can get burned out on those things ridiculously quickly. Nobody around me seems to understand any of this at all. I'm called lazy, a waste of potential, ungrateful for my opportunities, and more, despite trying to explain myself numerous times. And that's just by my own mother, whom I have the delight of still living with. Sometimes I wonder if she's right. I also struggle with what I can only assume is heavy anxiety, which leads me to overthink every decision to the point where I never actually get anything done and often drive myself to mental breakdowns, during which I have a tendency to instead make exclusively terrible decisions.

Just in case there wasn't enough already, in late 2018 I realised I was trans. I recognised that the feeling of unease my own reflection and voice caused me for my entire life were actually the result of repressed gender dysphoria, and by acknowledging this I ended the repression. I'd love to get treatment for the distress this brings me every single day, but it just so happens I live in the UK where the process for doing so spans across several years and is subject to heavy gatekeeping that I don't feel I could handle with my level of anxiety. This isn't even considering my sadly reasonable fear of being "othered" further by society if I were to socially transition, especially as I live in possibly the most "traditional" part of England (Sussex). It also isn't considering how utterly useless my close family have been since I've confided in a few of them- a year and 6 months later and I'm yet to be referred to by my name at all or actively supported in any way other than being told "I support you" by them. I only feel like I can really be myself online.

In the last year, as a culmination of all these things, my depression has worsened to the point where I rarely leave the house of my own accord. To be honest, the only reason I get up some days is because my mum is strangely insistent on everyone being up and awake before midday. I used to at least have university to get me out the house, even if I felt 0 motivation for it this year, but with COVID even that's gone. I've completely failed to keep up with the online content provided this year, and when exams came around I chose to not bother at all. So here I am, dropping out after two years of my computer science course, despite my mum's best efforts to force me to resit exams with the threat of making me homeless. In a moment of poor judgement a few months ago I cut contact with most of my IRL friends, especially those at university, meaning I'm basically limited to talking to people online. With all this, combined with my mum and university pushing terrifying deadlines on me, I've considered giving up on life more times than I'd like to admit. Even with all my great online friends being there for me as much as I can reasonably expect, I still don't feel any sense of self-worth or relief. The best I can do is distract myself and try to not give the existential dread any attention, and that inevitably fails quite often, especially with my ever-shortening temper.

I really need to stress this- I don't plan on giving up. Too many people need me. I'll keep keeping on, I'll keep trying my best to smile. Just please understand that I'll fail sometimes. Thank you to everyone who's been there for me even at my worst, everyone who sends me cute Pokemon pictures and makes small talk, everyone who's listened to me ramble about LGPE or something when they could be doing anything else with their time, everyone who's made me feel useful- you all make smiling a lot easier. And if anyone here needs a shoulder to lean on, maybe we can do an exchange. <3

 

[Latirae]

I'm gonna be honest, I have no idea why I'm posting now. It's just been a while since I posted here, despite you all being able to see my last post here at the top of this page. Otherwise, it'll have been 3 months since that post and, within a couple of weeks, it'll have been 6 months since my overdose. And to be fully honest, I'm just a mess right now. Motivation is a huge struggle for me, it can take 10 minutes for me to get out of bed to use the bathroom or something, no exaggeration. I've also barely gone outside, and when I have I've been very slow and out of shape with my legs shaking whenever I'm on stairs. I've also barely been eating. Outside of a special occasion, my days usually consist of cereal in the morning and an apple or some saltines later on. Even then I look down at my stomach and just see a lump of fat. I've also gone back to cutting myself, first with mechanical pencils and then scissors, something I managed to stop for months before. I do it on my high thigh though so my roommate doesn't see the scratches when I get to college. And oh yeah, college is about to start for me, with only one friend going to the same one as me, albeit I'm lucky for having her. My roommate seems cool, but so much could go wrong with him and it's stressful. Another thing in college is that I'll be managing my medications in college, meaning I'll have access to the entire bottles and I can't even say for sure I won't try to overdoes again. I went outside for someone I know's birthday party, and even though I knew and want to say I'm close with a lot of them, I just felt isolated. It's almost becoming the same online. I feel like I add nothing to these communities, and have even not put in the effort to learn PU's new meta, a tier that I've been involved in for years. I've also lost my ability to draw. I no longer have the patience and to make things worse my hand shakes whenever I try to write or draw. At this point my life is just being a test subject for useless medications. Medications are actually difficult for me to swallow since having them in my hand/mouth makes me think of the overdoes. Often the best part of my day is when I'm asleep and the worst is when I wake up in the morning. Sometimes all I can do is look at my Skitty plush and think it's all for her. Other than that the only coping skill I've got is looking at suicide memes, which do actually make me feel better but at the expense of thinking of suicide more. In less than a week I'll be in college, and all I can hope is that a change of scenery will change something for me too. I've probably forgotten something I wanted to mention but oh well.

I understand the feeling. I had a similar issue with motivation, and for me my help was my friends. Do your friends give you the kind of support you need? I can say for sure that people who give you support and the time of day really help, so reach out to your friends if you haven't already. And if you ever wanted to, I've had a lot of experiences with depression in my past, so please send me a message. Those of us that have been there and know how shitty it is are here to help, so don't hesitate to hit me up. Honestly, I think the change of scenery will help.

Again, please don't hesitate to contact me if you like. I think that talking to people is sometimes the best motivation and medicine in its own right. I'm here for you!

 

[Soul Fly]

How have people been dealing with quarantine? After 4 or so months im personally beggining to feel like all the progress ive made with my treatment over the years is just kinda gone by now lol
Looking for some different perspectives on this and thought this thread would be a neat place to do that

I have had a similar experience with my mental health. It has backslid massively over the past 5-6 months or so (quarantine kicked off end-march in my place). I think it's not much as the work being undone. But rather you don't get to exercise the mechanisms you have developed for your own well being in this kind of a context. Repairing and maintaining mental health is dependent upon your ability to connect and be vulnerable with others, your ability thrive professionally and otherwise, and just... get out if things get to bad for you cooped up in your bedroom.

Guess what are the exact things that a quarantine hampers.

The living conditions it imposes are basically depression simulator.

2020 has been a very bad year of my life. I have been trapped indoors, without work. I wasn't particularly a social person to begin with but the quarantine has basically meant I have had next-to-zero social contact with anyone other than my flatmate, who is also broke and in a torrid place mentally. So yeah that's been fun. I have been managing various physical ailments on my own too afraid to do a hospital visit because here rn hospitals are hotspots overflowing with COVID patients and visiting one (even with precautions) exposes you to a significant risk of transmission.

Last week I had to suspend therapy because I can't afford it anymore for the time being. Not that it was helping much anymore, given that we could only ever interact over the internet. If anything the half-measure, coupled with the place I was in with therapy, was reinforcing my feelings of frustration and helplessness. But it was a gut wrenching thing to walk away from.

I spent the last two years of my life climbing out of a seriously bad place, making a life of sorts and saving money to become self-sufficient and make some moves for my future. I was figuring out and investing my time and money into passion projects which would hopefully turn out to be the big break I needed in my life. All of that evaporated, in a few months. In front of my eyes. All I could really do, was watch, trying to desperately keep it together.

It sucks.

Fortunately I still have a home and the lights are on (let's see for how long). But other than that my life has basically fallen apart. I have no idea how I am gonna put it back together.

 

[Chloe]

not sure why im posting this, guess i just wanted to rant.

cw: a lot

i've struggled with depression over the last several years, while i'm nowhere near as bad as i used to be, i find myself falling back into depressive episodes on occasion, contemplating self harm again. but i've improved a lot and i'm grateful for that, i used to be a lot worse, three years ago i tried to kill myself by walking in front of a car, didn't die, didn't break anything, was just sore for a week.

that was in 2017, ive made progress. i have, at least i think i have convinced myself i dont wanna die yet. i wanna try to make this life work, no matter how much i doubt i'll ever be able to enjoy it. a world where my existence is seen as a political statement and people regularly debate my right to live in a way I feel comfortable.

i dated a girl for almost two years just for her to cheat on me with a minor, manipulate me and abuse me, it would've been our two year anniversary today so that's on my mind. during that time i lost many friends, lost some of the people closest to me because i was being stubborn and stupid. putting up with being cheated on, regular threats of self harm, gaslighting and i thought everything was fine because I'm incapable of understanding when I'm being mistreated.

i lose all my friends over time, i just grow distant or i do stupid things and then they don't wanna talk to me anymore. i only have myself to blame. i try to make new friends and be good to them but it's incredibly difficult when every second of every conversation all i worry about is whether or not I'm annoying them or if they're not interested in talking to me. my psychiatrist says my anxiety is really bad and tried to push me to take medication for it but I'm stubborn and the thought of taking medication that messes with my brain scares me.

i literally avoid talking to people i want to talk to all the time because i'm routinely worried that i'm going to annoy them or that they hate me and they're just being nice. i piss off everyone on this site by making dumbass callout posts that try to give me some sort of self worth as if people care about what i have to say. and people clearly don't want to deal with someone who starts drama all the time.

currently working a dumb job i hate while i try to go back to my degree. I didn't have the motivation to complete it years ago so why would I now. it's a waste of money and time i won't get through it but i have no idea what i want to do with my life. i have no interests, everything annoys me.

my parents don't respect me enough to call me my name despite the fact I've been out to them as trans for four years and I've been transitioning for a year now. literally every other individual in my life does right now, all my irl friends, my sister and cousin, everyone online. my dad gets a kick out of seeing me upset when he calls my deadname and will repeat it over and over just to be a complete ass. "you won't get a job if you transition" is another one of his favourites, like he's trying to make some sort of point instead of being a miserable old fuck.

I bottle this up inside a lot and I'm sorry that I ranted about a lot of things I just needed to get it out somewhere, if I should delete this just let me know. thank you for reading, I'm safe, I'm just upset.

 

[Medeia]

Update on my situation with depression:

I'm in a psychiatric clinic now. The last 4 weeks in the grandparents house were absolutely terrible, i had a lot of emotional breakdowns and suicidal thoughts again, even wrote them down on twitter and made my closer contacts there constantly worry about me and the awkward af outing of my transsexuality to my mother on thursday last week was the tip of the iceberg to just leave my house. So i did on monday and went to the doc in my village, told her my whole situation and she called a psychiatric clinic in the next city, but they couldn't take me in immediately, however i was allowed to live at the flatshare where my sister & her boyfriend live till thursday morning when i went to the clinic again and this time they had a stationery bed for me. My only worry rn is to lose the rehab professional training spot and my work future to become even worse if i stay in the clinic for months, but if i had done nothing to change i probably would have killed myself soon, so i guess my current situation is better now and i'll get the proper help to maybe feel something like happiness again in the future and find a specialist to start my hormone therapy? We'll see.

 

[Joker 1v1]

There's a lot to life so I'm told. So much to do, so much to see. To me this is a lie. I was never meant to be alive, I was a mistake when my parents got drunk. I grew up with my mother as my father and mother split. We lived with my great grandmother for over 10yrs. My grandmother dying when I was young and my great grandmother a few years back. Living in a house away from everyone at school, being in an old person's home, and having an alcoholic mother weren't the best things to have in life. Not fitting in with kids at school, teachers disliking me, and scolding me. It would carry on throughout school. I dropped out gave up, I didn't want to move or do anything. I got suicidal thoughts since 8th grade. I was alone, no friends, no one loved me, and always looked down upon.
So being in a place where I have given up, I was mindlessly playing games when I ran into a girl. She went by the name of Death. Fitting I know. So Death and I start out as ppl we see every so often, then she messaged me wanting to spend more time. This turns into a relationship where we spent the entire day together. Life would go on, we had fun days. Then suicidal thoughts. I'd turn to her as I had no one to turn to and this would go on until one day someone was being a asshat to me in a call and she didn't say anything or do anything. Messaged me privately after saying everything was ok. She then hungout with the guy and started laughing and they all started having a good time together as a group whilst I'm there in silence in the call being hurt. She would go on to break up with me afterwards. She said she was tired of my shit and was done. I was hurt not only because I was having problems irl with my mother but now the only person I had in my life hated me. I needed to spend time with her, before hand because I felt so bad and then shit happens and gets worse.
Moving on to how to the coming day. I begin to feel like an ass, I mean she got upset at me for me dealing with problems so I blamed myself. So what do I do? I try harder. If I try harder I will be alright. This would continue for a few months. I felt so shitty, and had no idea what to do that I started making her gifts, songs, all of that stuff I worked for months on everything. The day we met July 17th, I was gonna make her happy, surprise her. And that's where my luck starts to show. My computer's motherboard fries. I lose everything...I go into a panic. I don't have a phone or anything. It gets so bad I have to see a doctor. He gives me meds that calm me down and I have to go a month without a computer and I'm addicted to it. It's hope I copped with life. I see councilors and others to see what I should do. They said I had to wait, all I could do. Time passes, and I get a new computer. Things sorta fan out the same I guess. I use the computer to cope and pass time. We start talking again everything feels like the same I guess.
We talked about stuff like visiting each other, and meeting each other but in December 2018 I had another suicidal break down. She was pissed at me. Said she didn't want to see me for like 7yrs. This is competently out of the blue for me. So feeling like shit like its my fault, I need to try harder.
So time passes and we are in April 2019. She is a huge Iron Man fan and we wanted to see the Avengers movie together. We planned on me visiting her and seeing this. She even made comments if ya know what I mean. So its April, and I'm excited, after thinking about her non-stop for a year I finally was gonna meet her. And then she backed out. Said it had to do with her not wanting me around her family.
I see the movie, and am heart broken if you know what happens. Knowing she's gonna be upset I don't spoil it for her, I just spend time with her.
She later would tell me it was because I was "In love" with one of her friends. And that she couldn't trust me. I gave her time, money, and love. She didn't trust me. She has her own problems too. With suicide and emotions. Dating guys/girls all the time. She would tell me shit stuff. I don't know if it was her way of trying to get rid of me or because I was her friend. But I would push myself harder. Blaming myself for my failure. Times go on, so lets fast forward to 2020.
Life for me irl is horrible. Being evicted, my mother is stealing from me, and hates me.There homeless people stealing from me, people attacking me, and people threatening to kill me. MY OWN MOTHER MOCKS ME ABOUT SUICIDE....my mother breaks my computer screen. So that hurt. I was trying my best here. All of this crazy shit is happening to me, so I turn to Death. She starts ignoring me. I tell her I am having suicidal thoughts and that I need to spend time with a friend please. She then messages me saying how she doesn't like to spend time with me, all I do is look to hurt her, that she only wants to spend time with me when others are around. That if I wanna spend time with her I need to be happy and sane. So hear I am feeling alone and hurt and she does this to me.
I finally get to spend time with her, its with a group. The other guy leaves and its just me and her, we play together a bit and she's having a good time laughing. Things are going well. She invites some random guy from a game we just played. Death talks about how she is in a relationship after the guy asked if her & I were dating. And he's chill at first. Then he turns into an asshole.
The next day she's back to ignoring me, and later tells me she broke up with her boyfriend and is not dating the guy we just met yesterday. Saying how she's "In Love". She hates the love word with a passion. But loves saying it to him. She said he makes her feel safe and happy. And I'm so confused as to what's going on. So for the last 2 weeks they've met each other randomly are now dating and everything begins to pick up from here.
Over the 2 week period her new bf is pissing off, her brother, who she lives with his family because both her parents died when she was young. He cousins, arguing with everyone. Being an asshole and just arguing non-stop. I tell her this and she say he's just passionate. So he has to be an asshole and get upset when someone calls him out for something.
So last night he messaged me randomly for the first time. Said that he was trying to help me. Told me that I am making everyone sad. That I have no right to be depressed because it makes others sad. How dare I hurt others. He tells me to move on, and give up on her because she is his now. And they are dating and in love. Naturally I ask him what he's trying to get from this. He sees me as someone looking to hurt her. And I tell him I'm not. So I explain to him where everything is coming from. How some random guy comes in from no where, starts dating my friend so quickly, is pissing off her friends and family and is being a prick. He threatens to kill me, which I brought up with her, she shrugged it off like he's not going to, you provoked him.
He insults me, tells me that I have issues that I don't deserve to feel sad because he lost his family a couple weeks ago, and all he has is her. So I need to leave them alone and not bother them anymore....Of course I'm gonna make sure he's ok and say sorry. But I'm not just gonna roll over and let him have what he wants because he has a hard time as well.
They end up messaging saying how they are moving in together tmrw on her birthday. And that they plan to get married in 2 weeks....
None of what is happening makes any sense. So I start talking to her about it. She's all on board. Can't wait to get married, and move in with this guy she just randomly met 2 weeks ago online.
She then goes on to say that I don't have part in her life if I keep making her feel like shit, that I'm not gonna ever be with her, that me loving her makes he feel scared and not safe.
So I try to talk it out with her, being confused and not wanting to loose a friend. She then starts acting like an asshole and ends up blocking me.
I find a way to end up talking to her for like 15 seconds and she calls me psychotic. She wants nothing to do with me, and doesn't care what happens to me or her, because she's "In love"
I talked to a hotline last night so calm me down. But I still feel like shit. I have no one in my life, my family hates me, and I'm stuck in a bad place.
Will take everything one step at a time just needed to let myself be heard.

If you asked me 7 months ago I would still be alive, and determined to get my life back, I wouldn't have believed you. What happened to me over 200 days ago was something I will never be able to forget. I still have PSTD from all that has happened. I've dealt with so much to get to this point, been in survival mode and it's been damn exhausting. Stressing out housing, being homeless, being attacked, losing everything I had...it's fucking traumatic. I still don't have my normal life back. I say normal, but chaotic environments are suppose to be normal for me.

February: I was an emotional wreck. And I could never relax. I wake up in the middle of the night vomiting, in tears, in complete terror. At that moment I lost my girl. Someone who I connected with unlike anyone. Someone who has shared so much pain with me. When you are alone and in pain constantly, you love someone, and that someone spends everyday with you develop a bond with them unlike anything else in this world. Now imagine having that person out of the blue turn on you in your worst moment in life, have them think you are mentally insane and start dating some random prick who gets everything you've ever wanted, everything you dreamed of, told you aren't allowed to have and tortured yourself about for 4 years. That's the closest I can make it for someone to understand my pain this month. Any and everything I did reminded me of her, made me hate her boyfriend, suffering left and right also having to deal with being homeless soon, having no friends and no money.

So not being able to relax, enjoy things I loved, or escape my mental torture I was dealing with I sought medical help. I was given drugs for cramps, vomiting, relaxing you name it. I was diagnosed with PTSD and Serve Depression. As well as some other stuff but that's the main stuff. I also asked for a therapist because I was a mental wreck, I wanted to die every second of the day. And was put on a waiting list. As weeks went on my doses were increase, frequency increase and given way strong medications. (ex. 500mg) I was never able to relax or try and escape because of the being homeless thought looming. I told my doctor about everything every week. And how things weren't improving. So we tried more medicine and what not. He gave me sleeping pilled to keep me asleep and to make sure I feel asleep. I was going sleep deprived beyond hell.

During this time I had to put in my effort to try and find a place to live. I never met anything so I felt stuck and trapped. My mother ruined her credit, no one would accept me for a roommate nothing. So I ended up texting my father. Haven't seen the guy since I was 12, so it would have been 8 years. He got back to me in March. Meanwhile my clinic had to call in a temporary therapist for me to see until the one I was waiting for was free. That's how bad I was mentally...

March: I was seeing my temp. therapist twice a week until March 18th when I got to see my main therapist. We talked about how everything was for me at first, she did the "everything will be alright, Vanessa (I'm not sure if I ever mentioned her name was my girlfriend) would see what a prick that guy was and come back to me" I had to explain to her it wasn't gonna work like that from her not caring if she died and just happy to finally have someone she could physically be with. "Grief is equal to how much we love something" The main thing I took from her. I loved Vanessa so much when I would grieve it was as if I was mortally wounding myself.

I met up with my father and we talked. He would say how he was upset my mother for taking me from him and all that. How I wasn't meant to be born because my mother didn't take birth control like she said. He ended up talking more about my mother & being homeless than the Vanessa stuff I wanted help with. He said I should join the air force or navy ect. Only made me remember Vanessa's new boyfriend being part of the Army..

On the 18th I met my therapist explained everything to her and all that, and I started to feel better a bit. The anxiety started to set in with the being homeless. Since we needed to be out by the 25th of March. Co-Vid ended up happening and we got an extra month. Until the end of April. Which I relaxed for a bit, finally being able to calm down after months of self-torture. But no hope in finding a place.

April: I was told we would be allowed to stay in my mother's friend's laundry room. That sounded horrible to me. Gave me anxiety...time went on, nothing. I could not find a place, mother stole all my money at this point without my knowledge. I was down 3k in less than a month. I was broke.
Therapy helped so much, she would ask me about Vanessa, and I would be happy. I was able to get my high off reliving and telling someone about how amazing Vanessa was. So with April coming to an end anxiety flared up again yea, I was gonna live in a laundry room.

At this point I've sorta gotten out my ranting phase. I can go into detail on shit but doesn't mean much and I kind of just want people to understand and hear my pain because I don't like being alone. So we will start with combining months March-August into one.

We get evicted, and I move into the laundry room. Day after I wake up and told the people we just moved in with are being evicted as well....yep that was my life. The people we moved in with are two-faced and started saying horrible things behind our backs. It got to the point where cops were involved everyday, they kicked my mother out, told me to report my mother to a mental place, laughed about ruining her life, looked me dead in the eyes and told me my dead grandmother was a horrible person...they started treating me and acting as if I was their son. "Call me grandma" "Call me dad" Like this was crazy...They broke my laptop, went through my pills, insulted and blamed my mother for everything didn't apologize once. I tried standing up to them and they told me if I didn't like what I heard to go live on the street and started laughing... So here I am dealing with so much shit already and being told this shit. One night I'm eating food and they bust in and tell me to get the fuck out because I'm not appreciating them, putting their hands on me and basically forcing me to please them so I have a place to stay...

I end up trying to date some people online but it's just not the same, I miss Vanessa. My therapist helping me with this was my only saving grace. One day said "fuck it" more or less. I asked my friend to talk to Vanessa say I needed to talk to her, adult to adult. At this point in time, I'm mentally stronger. I've worked towards this for months, I need to know if she wants me in her life. I need an answer to something. He ends up talking to her, and she said "I'm just not in the mental state to have that conversation with him" So I took that and i ran with it. It's been a few weeks since I was told this by my friend and I'm gonna text her on my birthday here in October and see what happens then.

As for housing, I had no money, no phone, no place to go. I ended up being allowed to stay in a 1970s trailer at the start of August, where I am currently now. It has broken windows, no power, nothing works, broken door but it's what I call a home. I deal with my co-workers talk about relationships all the time, ask each other to hang out, exclude me when I ask. My friends I have left, just two of them I hardly ever talk to because they too busy with their own lives. So every day for me is the same lonely as adventure pursuing and crying because I hate it. Vanessa is what I want more than anything at this point in life. I talk to her as if she is with me. (Not in a mentally crazy way) Im stronger and ready to move forward in life, it all starts with me getting to talk to Vanessa, whenever that is.

I distract myself here on pokemon showdown, joining tournaments, talking in chat, voicing my opinions because it keeps me busy which I need. For me its a dumb way of looking at it but if I lose a tournament or I dont have someone to talk to on showdown its a challenge for me irl because I need to sit around and deal with the pain of life ive been dealing with for months. I want nothing but compassion and to have fun. I dont want fake friends, I dont want to cry anymore. I know I am a better person mentally and want nothing more to help others in life. But it sucks when im told no, and i fight back because I dont want to suffer any more in any aspect of life. I want to prove myself to everyone, and i take it personally when some jackass denies me of this chance to fight my demons and escape.

If you took the time to read this, I am honored and thankful. I wish you nothing but the best and want to make sure everyone else is happier as well!

 

[fififlutters]

So, I'm currently in a very weird spot right now. I've had this for quite some time but recently in 2020 depression has just gotten to me and eroded the quality of my attitude as well as my ability to be proactive in what I enjoy. I've been finding it harder to write up posts in the forums and I've also been having issues trying out new things outside of mons and actually sticking to them. But I felt today it was worth it to tell you about a particular experience I just had.

Very recently, I've been having a sequence of nightmares. Not sure if it's to do with the antidepressants I'm using but they're feeling very real and making me feel like I either saw everything from them or I saw nothing either from them or the day before. However, today I woke up from one of the most vivid dreams I've had yet. It felt like it bled into my real life and effected relations with people I never even had that experience with.

the nightmare in question

So - since I don't drive right now, I imagined myself sitting in my dad's car, next to the drivers seat. He drives around like normal for a bit, but then starts to speed up, refusing to press the brake pedal. The way he just looks at the road pierces me in a way that nothing else had for a while - he had just seemed completely absorbed in this speed rage and dangerous driving that I felt like something was going to go brutally wrong if I didn't help it stop. I just had to find a way to get the car to slow down - it took me a while but I finally moved my leg towards the brake pedal and slowed the car to a halt, quickly opening my dad's side door and getting him out. I felt tears flow from my face as my arms wrapped around him, begging for him to come to his senses. I'm just so glad it didn't end in brutality.

Today, that same nightmare effected me in ways I would not have expected. Not only was I feeling more anxious when going out but I could just feel more nervous all the time, thinking some bad premonition was going to happen. I knew it was all a dream but the feeling hasn't gone away since.

One thing I wish that my immediate family would understand is that I can feel a bit more nervous around this sort of stuff likely because I'm autistic and the sensitivity of my brain has been turned up to 11 this past year. I've been really stim-needy within these past few weeks and it's not helping that I'm jumping to every single loud noise and potential distraction that could possibly disturb my ears. As my history with telling people that I'm autistic hasn't been very good, I generally find it tough to tell people that there could be another problem underlying with it and that I may appear a bit more sensitive due to something that had happened to me in my dreams. But I just wish that was easier to communicate with people or otherwise I wouldn't have to feel anxious talking about my feelings or serious issues. It honestly frustrates me that I'm like this - just wish things could be a bit more rational inside me, but oh well, that's just how my mental health is going right now.

 

[Rei]

With how my recent behavior has been, I feel like I just need to put everything out in the open. I struggle with depression, axienity and have panic attacks. I had depression that is on and off from my fiancee passing away when I was 17, then the next year it was a teacher that taught me in hs and lastly my grandpa when I was 19. I blamed myself for 2/3 deaths because I caused them many many problems over the years. I am not feeling good enough constantly with anything I do and feel worthless.

I try to tell myself I am just a slow learner compared to others, but that simply is not true either. I have worked in this deli (walmart) for 2 months now and am still struggling with things I shouldn't be. I am also struggling to live up to the expectations with me in battles, and feel unwelcomed on smogon. There are people that have been here shorter than I have on smogon, but already am better than me when I have been trying over the years, and failed to make mpl last year while most of my friends did, and all my friends that did got in this year over 3k, while I was just a 3k pick. All I hear about is what I did wrong, and people do not accept the changes I have made to my character. I used to love writing analyses and gave it 100% effort on 90% of the ones I did, I have people told me I do not deserve it and wondered why I have it in my badgeset right now.

More onto the unwlecomed part. I try my best to try to be active and contribute, def at the start of gen 8, but slowly declined because of the negatively people have against me. Everything I try my best in is not enough and everything I do is wrong, no matter how much effort I put into it. I even had people hate me that I never personally talked to before, which really disheatraned me right from the start from some communities on here. It got worse the more i try to contribute or be active in communites, as well which makes me think im the problem. Over the three years I been here, I have been attacked for my gender, sexuality, been doxxed and seen many many hurtful things and jokes people have made about me, but yet 90 of the time I blame myself for being lgbt, or not putting on a mask over my real personality that lead me down a dark path and had me thinking I was a problem that should cease to exist, there has been times I have done wrong, but it should not be every word that I type out. I have tried to get + or qc in 1v1 or mono, but failed to because I simply did not feel confident I was good enough. I am tired of the pain in my heart from this, worrying everyone, and having very constant thoughts about taking my own life. I should not have to suffer a breakdown over every L in a team tour because of backlash i usually reciveve.

My irl is not much better, I cannot be out to my parents about being trans cuz of my dad being a pastor and christian, and had a broken relationship with them p much my whole life. I have constant fighting with them, and cannot enjoy my hobbies as if they want me to do something, I have to do it, because this game is not important to them, in fact not of my hobbies are. I do not talk about my personal problems to them, and just let it bottle up inside since if i say anything to a friend / team server i thought i could trust, I would see it in some discord to people that did not like me and use it against me. I am struggling to find a job in my field and have two degrees sitting in my room that should not be since they are IT related, and stuck working a basic job and not doing to well at it, because every single job interview that was related to my field rejected me. I have no safe place right now, I feel like every action I take in either discord, irl, or smogon someone will call me out on it, and feel like I am the problem when drama occurs on a discord server or elsewhere over something i either said or did in the very past or very recent. I am very sorry to everyone, but I cannot take it anymore, I cant take the constant stress, hatred and feeling unwelcomed on smogon. I had lost motivation for mostly everything, as the little things I enjoy in life cause me stress, I keep telling myself things be ok and it isnt, I keep feeling this way, a constant knife into my heart, keep having constact thoughts I am a bad person and should rot in hell, I am to blame of what I go though, and I am not good enough. The world is simply better off without me, and I am choosing to accept it. I am sorry if this post seems confusing, my thoughts are all over the place. I am sorry, to everyone that tried to help me last night, I am sorry for everyone that I am a failure at everything and as a human being, I am done fighting this losing battle, goodbye.

Just a follow up. Nothing much has changed, in fact, i have lied to mostly anyone asking if I felt any better and had lost even more friendships because all I do is complain about everything that is wrong just to vent it out. I cut my only ties I had to vent about things in a public discord because I had a realization that no one cares about me unless its me trying to kill myself and it doesn't help if i do get a message from anyone its usally just asking for a team, joining a team, asking for an opinion on a Pokemon and whatever else competitive Pokemon has. I miss my ex friends and just memeing and talking about other things than just Pokemon in pms i miss getting pmed just a hi how are you or just a random meme, i miss having hour long conversations about anime and talking about plot twists and waifus. I am horrible at trying to make new friends and the friends that i had on this website simply started messaging me less and less till its non-existent or wont respond to my messages. I feel like my existance is meaningless, I have no family or friends to talk to and playing video games, writing and watching anime cannot replace friends no matter how hard I try to. People think I quit or rage over losing a game or smth which isnt it, I like to think of losing as a triggerment for the bad feelings I have because without this game, I would literally have no one to talk to and would probably end up killing myself, and losing to me means being further away from making team tours and being left behind from my so-called friends. Even with this past month I decided to break smogon rules and made a plan with a user to get icbb and ultimately got banned for 12 hours because I was hurting inside and didnt know what to do. I just dunno what to do anymore, I just feel unwelcomed anywhere, my best efforts are not enough and less than human no matter where I go. My irl shit has not changed much from my last post and I just want to end my life, theres nothing left for me to live for cuz what geniue friends do I have that message me and actually talk to me about things outside Pokemon, no one. Only time people want to talk to me is to talk me out of commiting suicide, then I never hear from them again and this time I am not back out of killing myself, all i gotta do is find some strong enough pills, overdose and be dead or just choke myself with holding my breath. I rather be dead then live this meangliess lonely life, cuz whats the point if im just gonna complain, cry all the time and put up a false smile to online people, coworkers and my family who will not support me if I came out as trans. There is nothing going for me, im a medicore Pokemon player, a good for nothing at my job and all my parents do is tell me to find a better job when I have been trying to for a long while now. I am full of despair, depression and feel like my heart is hurting all the time. This is the last thing you will hear from me, so thank you smogon for allowing me to live 3 years longer and thanks ps for letting me live 5 years longer back in 2015 when I tried to kms that somehow trying to be the best Pokemon Trainer kept me from commiting suicide but that coping mechanism obviously does not work anymore. Finally, with my death I can be at peace forever.

 

[Ajna]

hi, uh, if you know me you may be rather surprised to see me post in this thread, but i kind of just want to talk and not force anyone to listen – i hope that makes sense lol. i am going to preface this by saying i do not think i'm clinically depressed, but the last few days have been the hardest i've ever been through.

at the beginning of the year i made a drastic change in my life – i decided to drop out of school (college) and work full time while i pursued music. i moved back in w/ my parents and began to save. about a month after i had moved back home, i had the opportunity to be in a jubilee (youtube channel) video about being mixed race. it was an overwhelmingly positive experience and great exposure, but on top of that, it connected me with the most important person that has ever come into my life.

a couple days after the video came out, i was randomly on my instagram looking through the new people that were following me. one of the names/profile pictures immediately caught my eye; they were both astonishingly pretty. i quickly stalked her page and decided to send her a corny witty dm based on her bio. she responded almost immediately and we hit it off. to give some context, this is right around when quarantine began, so no one was really doing anything other than sitting inside. nonetheless, we were facetiming and watching sex education on netflix party together a few hours later. i found out that night that she lived only about 40 minutes to an hour away, so that just made everything feel even more crazy – like meant to be type shit. the week went on and we were still going strong. we liked a lot of the same artists and shows, and we had similar life goals and everything. every time we'd talk her smile would just make me happy man – she gave me a really indescribable feeling. later on in the week she went on to tell me that one of her close friends had recently passed, and that she was getting over a percocet addiction. ik, ik... one possible red flag and one major one – i noted them, dw. i moved forward with talking to her, albeit much more cautiously, but nothing changed; she still gave me that same feeling and she seemed happy and stable.

fast forward about a month of nonstop talking and we both broke quarantine to see each other. i don't know what bs excuse i told my parents to get out of the house, but i met her after she got off work and we hung out in her car for an hour (very romantic ik). our chemistry in person was exactly the same, and i couldn't have been more happy. i had been wanting something serious, relationship wise, for some time, so this was all very uplifting and exciting. as time passed, we were both introduced to each other's family and everything was great.

i'd say we're about two to two and a half months in to our relationship at this point, and she's starting to have these waves of sadness come and go but nothing too crazy. i think most people can relate, but most people aren't also getting over a perc addiction and the loss of a close friend either. after a couple days of limited communication, she called me and told me that she relapsed. i knew what i was signing up for when i didn't bolt at the first mention of "perc addiction," but it definitely affected me. we had a long and serious talk about what had happened and how we wanted to move forward. this was also right around the time where we officially decided we were "boyfriend and girlfriend," so this was like our first big discussion as a team. i left it feeling reassured that she was really going to take the steps to get better and feeling like she trusts me enough to tell me anything, and she left it understanding that i would always be there to love and support her, as long as she put in the effort to get better.

fast forward a month and a bit more and - everything was still great. i woke up every day excited to see her in person or talk to her on the phone, and she seemed happy as well. we were hanging out 3-4 times a week, and it was everything i'd ever wanted in a relationship. one day though, while at work (zoom), i got a call from her mom. i picked up immediately. her mom told me that she's taking her phone for a bit and that she's okay, but that she almost overdosed on xanax. we later found out she didn't intentionally try to od and that the xanax was laced with fentanyl. still, not a great sign that she took it. more than anything, i was worried. once she got her phone back we had another big talk, but after finding out she was completely okay, i was much less forgiving/understanding this time. i wanted her to know that i'd be there for her through anything, but i couldn't do that if she refused to help herself. she explained to me that the xanax was strictly to help her sleep (the intended use for the drug) and she had been dealing with some insomnia the past couple months, so once again we moved past it. with how im typing this out it might sound like i didn't think it was a huge deal, but this one was much closer to a fight than a talk; i was very upset. but once again, i just had this feeling that this person was supposed to be in my life. we got through it.

fast forward (for the last time lol) another 2-3 months to this past thursday. everything had been great, like everything i want in a relationship great. her mental health was a lot better, and she was now supporting me through some family drama. we still made each other laugh, we still loved watching the same shows and now the same youtubers, and we just had an overwhelming amount of love for each other. on thursday night i took her out to dinner at my favorite restaurant for her birthday; it was perfect. we talked about what we wanted our future to look like and even talked about her addiction. she had been so good and even at that dinner told me "you don't ever have to worry about me getting back to that point, because i'm doing it (getting better) for me now," and i believed her. having someone who is an addict say that to you while coming across genuine and honest doesn't happen very often; again, it felt like meant to be type shit. we left dinner and had a great rest of the night; she drove home, and i drove home. i texted her when i got home, and she texted me. we talked more about the future; we told each other how much we love each other, and then we went to sleep.

i woke up friday morning to a good morning text from her. i responded and then got ready for work (zoom again). she responded maybe once more, and i replied, but that's the last text i would ever receive from her.

i got a call from her mom about an hour later – deja vu. her mom and dad are both on the phone and they tell me that they're on their way to the emergency room. the girl that just told me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me the night before, and i one thousand percent reciprocated the sentiment, went into cardiac arrest in her room. her 14 year old brother, who's autistic, found her and began giving her cpr while her even younger sister called 911. the paramedics were able to get a pulse, but a good deal of time had passed.

throughout the entire weekend, i've just been a wreck. it's been hard for me to do anything pretty much (and this definitely hasn't been aided by not being able to be in the hospital bc of covid), but today was the first day i felt somewhat human and capable, so that's a start. anyways, they ran tests on top of tests, did exam after exam, but we learned very little in the first 48 hours, well besides the fact that IT WASN'T AN OVERDOSE OR DRUG RELATED AT ALL. the toxicology report came back completely negative, and there were no signs of anything drug related in her room. the doctors believe an undetected deformity in her heart, or something of the sort (they literally don't know), caused an irregular heart rhythm, and that caused the cardiac arrest. as more time passed, we were all but told to start preparing for the worst. so much time had passed from when her heart stopped to when it was restarted that her brain didn't get any oxygen for too long. this caused immense amounts of swelling in her brain and they weren't sure if it would go down. still we waited and hoped and waited and hoped. we were just in this limbo for three days of hoping and praying despite the odds, but about 8 hours ago, after more tests and a second a third opinion, she was confirmed clinically braindead.

i think the hardest part for me has been trying to not fall into the mindset of "nothing matters, anything can be taken from you at any time. why try?" last night that's definitely where i was at. a 19 year old girl who had beat/was in the process of beating a perc addiction, and who had overcome the death of her close friend at the same time, dies from a unexplainable heart incident? like seriously? shit feels like some sort of cruel joke man. i come from a split family situation, so i've always valued family over everything. i've always wanted that picture perfect picket fence family and it feels like god/the world just wanted to shoot that down before it could even really start. like the last real text conversation we had was us saying we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. we don't even get the chance to try? at all?

anyways, it's 4 am, so i should probably go to sleep. i'm going to the hospital tomorrow to say my final goodbyes with her family before they take her off life support. if there's anything i've taken from this, i guess it's that i don't want to give up. these last 72 hours, i definitely have wanted to, and my parents probably think i have, but that's not the truth. while typing this, i realized that i want to do anything and everything i can to honor her forever. we always talked about the life we wanted to live and how she thought that i would make it in music, so i'm going to do that for her. i am going to get everything we talked about and dedicate it to her. wether she's here with me physically or not, i know she'll always be watching over me and i will never forget her and everything she did for me. i love you alenah. i love you love you love you forever and always.

 

[Bice]

idk if this is the right place but i'm honestly feeling really hopeless rn, especially with the current state of affairs. i legitimately don't understand how people can be happy rn. is it ignorance? who knows. like i honestly don't know why i bother with college and trying to get a job when there's no hope for the future anyways. i've tried practically every wellness bullshit you can imagine (eat healthy, therapy, take pills, exercise, etc.) but nothing has worked, at least in the long term.

 

[Eyan]

(deleted the part that’s my story for personal reasons)

Finally, to anyone that's struggling now, I can corroborate what other people already said where just having people there for you is an effective medicine. There is no guarantee when and where you'll meet good people, but keep pushing yourself to keep trying and taking leaps. I took a decade; some people might find it next year, some in two decades. The important thing about the question "will things get better" is that when it does get better, you'll know, but you cannot say for sure that it never will unless you decide to give up trying. After all, you gotta support and push yourself as much as others can. Hell if a wreck like me can persevere to this point, you guys can.

Thanks to anyone that reads this, in full or in part. Bye bye.

 

[phosphor]

I suffer from major depressive disorder and I often find myself feeling like I'm trapped in a cycle of not having energy to do anything, panicking about what I'm supposed to do while simultaneously being unable to force myself to do it, and as soon as I exert myself a bit I collapse from mental exhaustion and I'm back in step 1 lol

I wanna get off phosphor's wild ride lol

 

[Morsel]

This is going to come from someone who has been in the position of a lot of people here several years ago, and I want to share something simple that has helped me greater than any other form of treatment -- exercise.

I'm sure many of you have heard this before but it's damn true and is by far the best treatment to depression or just being in a shitty mood. By doing some exercise you enjoy (running, biking, swimming, weights -- anything) at least 6 days a week for 45-60 minutes, you'll look better, feel better, have more energy, and ultimately have a more positive outlook on life. No matter the season, get out and move and get the sunlight on your skin. We're all animals at the end of the day and need to be active to be and feel natural and positive. Even if it's cold or the weather is bad, who cares -- go out and do it anyways and avoid finding excuses for why you shouldn't do it. On top of this, working out is a way to pump out built up negative energy and relieve stress.

Basically, get moving and keep at it. Walking, running, swimming, hiking -- whatever you want to do. Yes you might be sore as hell some days, or might not be able to get up the stairs properly the next day. But both of these are far better than living inside of your head.

In any case, this phase of your life will pass. Just hang in there and work on it, baby steps.

 

[Mr.E]

I don't have anything specific to complain about at the moment. I'm just feeling persistently low about the sad state of my nonexistent social life as real-life endeavors continue to go nowhere, online dating is literally a waste of 10+ hours of my free time weekly, and even my meager online social presence has been steadily shrinking by shit like being banned from Smogon Discord for no reason not to mention ostracized from other communities of recent too. I'm just increasingly unable to motivate myself to do anything but agonize over my crippling loneliness and social isolation, yet it feels entirely out of my control at this point. I try and it just doesn't matter. Ultimately, you can't force other people to like you.

 

[Celticpride]

I feel myself starting to slip. I think COVID is starting to get to me more than it has been.... I’m currently furloughed and for the first time since like, 2016 I don’t know what my next step is. I thought I was going to wait things out and go back to my job but now I don’t even want to. I miss seeing my friends, I miss seeing people’s faces without masks on, I miss going out to bars, I miss going to games with my dad. Just needed to talk out loud I guess. I hate interviewing, it’s a stressful waiting game. This all just fucking sucks.

 

[ImperialGamer517]

First post great.

So I was looking for something to do during lockdown, so I got into Smogon. However some users here can get me semi-depressed and I hate it, more specifically the Monotype people.

Im doing fine now anyways, but still a bit depressed due to COVID basically ruining this year.

 

[blank]

i have a long history of depression. felt better the last year and a half or so. considered my self no longer depressed, honestly. the last couple months the COVID stuff, isolation, loneliness, etc has really weighed heavily on me. i miss having a life. it was hard to get to where i got after being so depressed for so long, and nobody ever told me that once i got better there was a chance everything could go back to shit.

i edited my original post since there were too many personal details.

 

[lighthouses]

Just had my first panic attack in more than a year, i thought i was rid of it. This quarantine situation undid all of the progress ive made on my mental health, i hate it
Even thought i am not new to these things and i dealt with it well its still a shitty reminder of all my previous problems creeping up on me again and it feels so hopeless.
Im okay though not looking for sympathy, just wanted to complain somewhere

 

[Mr.Bossaru]

I'm here if anyone ever needs someone to talk to,

 

[Atha]

Quarantine is driving everyone depressed goddamn

 

[Apagogie]

I'm really bad today. Everything irl and ivl looks to be totally disconnected from my negative feelings that I don't feel concerned by the world and excluded from the rest. I have never been diagnosed with depression but I have a general sensation of void and negative feelings since my 15 years old. Sometimes, it's going better, sometimes it's going worse and these last months have been the worst consecutive one for years.

Lately, something else disturbed more than what I'm used to. My brother has been diagnosed with a skin cancer. I don't specially have a good relationship with him even if I hope obviously he will be better. In fact, I'm more worried for myself. If my brother got that disease, it's due to a long exposure to sun in a hot country during childhood. That also has been the case during my childhood. I sought for every beauty spot on my body and I'm worried without knowing if I'm paranoid or if I'm right being worried.

I could see a doctor but my father is already an emergency doctor. This is really far worst for my situation. Despite his knowledge in medecine, he loves consiparcy theories. During the first months of coronavirus, I heard everyday a new version of how the virus has been created by humans or how it's a plan to make compagnies richer. When he learned first for my brother (who doesn't live with us), he told my mother to not be worried because he was diagnosed by a machine and we cannot trust machines. Therefore, I don't trust him to be careful about my case.

I also know that my mother would be very worried and stressed about me because she loved me a lot but would finally rely on the advice on his husband in staying worried. I also know that maybe I have nothing and it's also probable, at least, currently. I would be ashamed if my father learned that I went to an other doctor for no reason, only because I was worried. I could finally go to a visit myself without letting my parents know but it's something I never did before and which looks difficult to do without knowing how it works.

This drained my whole energy for my studies these last days and I did basically nothing today. I always wear a social mask irl and ivl to look happy because people are happier if they see someone happy. However, it's getting harder and harder. I don't have much people to talk to outside of my family/showdown because I basically got rid of all my irl friends these last months as long as my bad feelings affected my mental health. I had to write a post to have at least somewhere where I can summarize my thoughts and somewhere where people know how I'm feeling right now. I don't know if people who read this post as to see it as a cry for help. Don't feel forced to. I'm not alright right now and I don't really know what I want.

 

[Pak]

I honestly don't even know where to start, but here we go. I've been depressed off and on since roughly my junior year of high school. It's been especially apparent recently and I've been feeling myself start to spiral again, so I guess I just felt compelled to formally get down my thoughts somewhere to know what I need to do to get back into one of those elusive positive swings again.

I've always been a really quiet kid and a lot of it has been due to accumulated social anxiety. Growing up, I always had my tight knit group of friends through elementary school and middle school, at least on a social level. We'd hang out and do whatever, mostly just fucking around and having a good time. The thing is though that while they all evolved into the people they eventually did, I just grew further and further away from all of them as we moved into a huge ass high school. Despite being 'well-liked' a lot of those early years, I always had this deep-rooted fear of getting bullied. I mean, it makes sense given all the horror stories and shit, and I'm not trying to belittle anyone who's been through those kinds of awful situations, and that's exactly the kind of stuff I was hoping to avoid. From age 15ish on, I just had this natural fear of not being accepted in whatever capacity, so therefore I would never feel good enough for those around me. I'd be on the same 'level' or whatever as whoever I'd talk to in that time frame, but I progressively just got worse and worse when it came to social anxiety and simply being comfortable in my own skin. Now, I always had my group of friends and all that, but it was really just people I'd play sports with or talk to in the halls or whatever. I was all but closed off emotionally, due in large part to just wanting to be universally accepted and liked, which of course isn't 100% realistic.

I could make this part like 500 paragraphs and have to a decent amount of people on this site, but I ended up going away to a college where I didn't know anyone beforehand. It was a smallish private school (which naturally was not cheap by any means), and in my head, it was the perfect setting to 're-invent' myself, and be that kind of person I always hoped to be in high school. Very very very long-story short, it didn't happen. In fact, it would've been really flipping hard for it to have gone any worse. As many dingus 18-year-olds do, I was wayyyy off when it came to picking my initial major, and jesus christ I nuked almost all those classes out the gate. Luckily, I did have a solid cushion from gen ed dual credit classes from high school, but between my shitty grades and eventually switching majors down the line anyway, it essentially boiled down to a lost year academically. So, based on that, you could objectively say I threw money on a fire for a year, but it was college, at least I had fun right?

Simply put, no. That aforementioned social anxiety just kept compounding on itself, especially with the constant feeling of the academic failures looming over my head. Like I said, I could go on and on about this whole year, but I'll try to keep it shortish. My first roommate was international, and he naturally got pretty close to the other international kids, and I was kind of the odd man out in those circles despite my initial efforts. He ended up moving out, and after living on my own for a bit in the dorm, I was assigned a new roommate. We actually hit it off pretty well and I consider him to be a pretty good friend to this day. The thing was though, that despite our common interests and social chemistry, I always had that looming feeling that I'd be stepping over some kind of boundary or whatever whenever he asked me if I wanted to do something with him and his close circle of friends. The thing was that I actually got along well with all of them, but that feeling just wouldn't leave me. Blah blah, I kept turning down offers to hang out and he eventually stopped asking me because he just expected 'no's after a certain point. It remains one of my biggest regrets to this day, because by the time I knew I wouldn't be coming back to that school 100%, I really just started to give less of a shit and ended up having some good times with all of them.

The thing was, it took a lot to get to that point. I had never ever ever felt more alone, and this is coming from someone who'd never had a 'close' friend and never really realized it. Like I said, I had been all but closed off emotionally, and didn't see anything all too off about it. It took a lot of miscellaneous crying random nights to come to the conclusion that I wasn't right mentally. I sought out therapy through the school, which was ultimately kind of fruitless to be completely honest, but exploring my own mental issues at the time was a positive in of itself. Speaking of, a big part of this recognition was ironically my roommate's girlfriend. She was legitimately the first person I opened up to and grew an attachment towards, a feeling I had unknowingly desired after all this time. Naturally, feelings started to develop, but out of respect for my roommate and her, who were by far my best friends on that campus, I kept my feelings in check and simply tried to enjoy the academically-meaningless time I still had left that second semester. On top of that, there was always this feeling that she had developed some sort of attachment to me, which I tried to ignore, but many of my friends that I talked to about it were pretty keen on her showing some signals. Again, I tried to ignore them and moved on.

I've talked about this a lot more in depth with some people on here, but I don't want to include all too many details. Long-story short again, I was pretty drunk one night late in that following summer, and she snapped me. She essentially led me on, purely to find out if I had feelings for her, and it really really hurt me emotionally considering she was the first person I had ever really confided with on that kind of level. I blocked her and tried to forget about what I considered to be a 'rock-bottom' of a year for me. I transferred to the college in my home town, moving in with my parents again, and basically went through the motions, still reeling from that interaction over the summer. I legitimately hated my life.

Fast forward to the following fall, where I was still not 100% alright emotionally because of what had happened, and I had a very forgettable year which happened to be fine academically. After a super tough summer of working roughly 65 hours a week between landscaping and dishwashing, it my freshman year of college started to weigh heavily on me again. I made the decision to reach out to my old roommate's girlfriend. I just wanted to get everything off my chest, about why and how what she did hurt me. The thing was though that she was the only person there for me when I needed it more than ever, and I told her because of that, she could always talk to me if she needed anything. I'm not going to go into detail of what she said, but she had long been through depressive stages herself and that year hiatus of not talking to her saw her in some deep depths of it. Ultimately, it felt like a huge huge huge weight off my shoulders, and that I could finally accept all that happened my freshman year, whether it was the 90% bad or the 10% good. All that suffering brought about an important lesson. The hard times are shitty of course, but you can't just put your tail between your legs and try to forget about it. It's especially crucial to take whatever negative experience and try to make something positive of it.

Here we get to the last year or so, which up until coronavirus happened, was one of the better times of my life. For what seemed like the first time, I was happy with who I was, and at my new job, which constantly forced me to interact with new people on a daily basis, I ended up meeting some really good friends. As one could expect, coronavirus did kind of derail all my progress to that point and I found myself in that same type of isolation as I'd grown accustomed to for years. A big thing though was that I really wasn't expecting to stay with this grocery job for so long, hoping to get an internship or something over the summer, but those hopes were completely thrown to the wayside.

----

Alright so here we are today. It seems like there's always some kind of tipping point for this stuff, and for me, it was Sunday the 4th, when I found out that one of my old high school friends, as well as another really good family friend, had both passed away over the weekend. This high school friend wasn't someone I was particularly close with, but he was another one of my friends that I was constantly talking and laughing with. The key connection here was that he was one of the first people I ever worked out with around age 15 or so. If you know me in any capacity, you're probably familiar with just how important fitness and lifting has become for me over the years. It was especially apparent that god-awful freshman year, where it was my only outlet to do something productive and get away from the day-to-day pressures for some period of time. I spent what was basically late Sunday to Wednesday just crying and crying. Every time I would go to work out, it would be impossible not to think of the amazing times we had together. Back then, as a very skinny kid, it was one of my life goals to bench 135 lbs, as limited a goal as it may sound. I must've failed it 10 different times with him spotting me, a smile on his face every time. Needless to say, I've come a long long way since then, but those are the types of memories that really stick out given my passion for the activity. He was just such a positive influence on everyone around him and it was completely devastating to find out that he had overdosed.

Like I mentioned, it served as some kind of tipping point for me. For months and months, I had felt that something resembling that same gradual downward spiral which crept up that hell-spawned freshman year of college, and it all came to a head as of late. I'm not afraid to say that over the last couple weeks or so I had been drinking out of nothing but pure angst or sadness. I don't believe I'm anywhere near the level of depression I felt back then, but it's honestly my worst fear to fall into that same feeling of uselessness and eternal depression. I don't want to fall into that same cycle where my only fulfillment is hitting x arbitrary number in whatever lifting exercise. Where all this ties in with those 19 context paragraphs is that the worse my depression/anxieties start to creep, is the worse my social anxiety is. This is especially apparent given that I'm supposed to graduate college roughly a year from now, and I don't have any experience in the field. Also, moving out hasn't been made any easier with the current climate of things.

Idk who the fuck would read all this, but it was important for me to get it down somewhere to reference in the future. The thing is, it's so so so so much easier to get down on yourself and be sad than it is to go the other direction. I don't know what it is, but it's just something I've noticed over the years. Like I've said to this point, there are people I've told all of this shit to some extent, and shockingly, most of them are friends from this website. I'm not scared or embarrassed or whatever else to say that my closest friends on an emotional level come from here. I can't thank them enough for their time and willingness to give me guidance or simply an ear to bitch into, but at the same time, I'm tired of doing so. I hope this marks a point where I can legitimately pivot and shift things back into the right direction, and for Logan's sake, I swear I will.

If anyone on here needs someone to talk to, I know what this type of worthlessness feels like, at least to some extent, and I can't stress enough how helpful it is to practice introspection and simply talk about all your bullshit from time to time. For those purposes, my discord is pak#1187, don't hesitate to reach out if need be.

 

[Max. Optimizer]

While I've occasionally posted in this thread here in the past in order to respond to the posts of some of my fellow forumgoers, I don't think I've ever really talked about my own case and experiences with depression. It's strange sometimes, isn't it? More often than not, it admittedly feels easier to evaluate the situations of the fellow human beings in your entourage than your own, doesn't it? Then again, I suppose that one can help themselves by helping others.

The currently ongoing autumnal season of 2020 marks my 10-year "anniversary" of my struggle against this pestilential societal illness and I figured that it'd finally be the right time to evaluate the last decade that simultaneously felt like an eternity and yet flew by with frightening speed.
Have some of you experienced this as well? The occasional apparent loss of space and time?

Back then, in 2010, I was only 18 years old and I was in the process of starting my final year of high school, or so I thought.
I started developing panic attacks as a result of years worth of bullying on the part of fellow students and teachers.
I had never dared to tell anyone, out of shame and out of fear of being considered "weak".
I had beyond the shadow of a doubt reached my breaking point after all.
I just couldn't endure it any further and lost balance, both physically and mentally, falling into a deep hole of regret and guilt.
I ended up dropping out of high school, since my panic attacks simply rendered continuing in this environment impossible for me.
In my case, the psychosomatic complaints would manifest themselves in the form of severe vertigo attacks, especially in warm and crowded places.
I thought that it was unfair. Why do exhausted people have to work extra hard to get back on their feet?
My guilt would only grow further, as I felt that I was nothing but a financial bother that had brought shame upon the family.
I started taking the prescribed Cipralexa medication to help me deal with my anxiety, but anti-depressants only develop their effect slowly.
I wished that I had never been born at all and I thought that my family would be better off without me.
I felt like nothing but a shameful burden after all, but I ultimately decided against taking my life.
I ended up having fortunate in my misfortune, as I was able to sign up for online classes, allowing me to finish my final high school year digitally.
Yes, this is in a sense similar to what many students from all over the world had to resort to this year, given the current Covid-19 situation.

In hindsight, I think that the turning point came when I finished my final high school year in 2014 and signed up for online university studies.
It had indeed been quite a while since I had felt my last true sense of accomplishment.
Prior to that, my last feeling of achievement had been getting my driver's license, as well as a car, at the end of 2010.
In hindsight, it was these little things here and there that kept pushing me forward.
The feeling of becoming more and more autonomous definitely helped rebuild and improve my self-esteem.
Staying busy like that also helped me steer clear of "silly ideas" that inactivity tends to put into people's heads when they have too much free time.
I still reserved just enough of free time to keep thinking about my future and planning in advance.
I'm 28 years old now in 2020 and I'm currently studying my final semester after having studied with this online university for 6 years.
Even though my cretinous high school teachers had advised against it, I settled with language studies.
While I had already been quadrilingual in 2010 (Luxembourgish, German, French, and English), I had managed to add Spanish and Mandarin Chinese to my linguistic répertoire during my university studies and I finally had worked out my calling: translator.
This gets to show you that everyone can forge their own destiny and that other people oftentimes can't tell you what you can or cannot do.

All in all, I still have a considerable path in front of me, but many efforts and sacrifices have been made to even get this far and I feel proud.
While it may seem that a human life being born on this speck of a planet in the middle of nowhere in space is relatively insignificant, it should still matter to yourself and the people in your entourage. It is a gift that one shouldn't carelessly throw away, that's one of the many lessons I learned during the last decade. I'm free to be the greatest, I'm alive. In addition to this, I also accepted what happened and I don't feel any resentment towards the aforementioned fellow students and teachers that had helped conjure this mess. Hatred and vengefulness are treacherous roads that'll eventually lead you to even worse dead ends.

I'm curious to find out what the next decade will have to offer me.
To myself, in 10 years.

 

[Lily]

warning: long, extremely rambly. kinda personal and overall uncoordinated post ahead

Spoiler

disclaimer: i've never been diagnosed with depression. i've never really been allowed to get / able to afford professional help, so most of the healing i've done has been with the help of friends. as such, none of the following post is clinically backed, but hopefully that shouldn't be important.

a few of my closer friends on here know that I've never had a great relationship with my parents. it's not nearly as bad as some people... they still provide for me, ensure i'm (physically) healthy and i do believe deep down that they're good people. regardless, good people do bad things, and in this case they've done a lot.

for as long as i can remember, my dad has been pretty mentally torturous. it's been years of constant verbal abuse in the form of shouting, insulting, or otherwise ridiculing me in front of myself, family, friends, and anyone else he could find, and he's made it no secret that i'm the "disappointing" one of my siblings. this was due to a number of factors, largely boiling down to the fact that i was always pretty useless at menial tasks like yardwork or whatever, so he'd get mad at me pretty often while my siblings excelled. combine that with the fact that he's technologically illiterate and i spend a lot of time online and... yeah, you get the idea. regardless, he's mellowed out a little bit towards me as i've gotten older.

my mother was always a lot more patient with me when i was a kid than my dad was. she tried to teach me the things i couldn't do that i'd get ridiculed for being incapable of, and she tried to make sure i was okay whenever i'd get upset because of it. she was very sick while i was growing up (i don't know exactly what the issue was, my parents kept it from us though, i'm guessing that they didn't want to scare us) and spent most of her days lying in bed or in the hospital. it's kinda terrifying looking back at it, sometimes she'd flare up and my dad would panic, but he'd never say anything and it's kinda obvious why because if you told a 6 year old that their mother was at risk of death they wouldn't react well. this obviously took a mental toll on him and it became much more clear as the years went on. the extent of her daily movement was pretty much getting out of bed in the morning to wake my siblings & i up so that we'd get ready for school, and then taking us to and from school before going back to bed. it was pretty bad now that i think about it but idk it never felt that way when i was a kid.

as i started growing up, things got worse. my mother's physical health thankfully got a lot better (it's still pretty poor but she can perform daily functions now) but the same can't really be said for her mental. her temper was and is incredibly short and the slightest things (think misplaced object, slightly untidy bedroom etc.) will set her off for days and leave her hurling insults & actual physical things around in order to prove some sort of point, then she plays a victim card abt how nobody helps her or anything and that's why she's so destructive. she's become bitter and selfish and masks it under a guise of wanting the best for everyone else which is very, very clearly not the case.

when i mentioned my dad mellowing out towards me, that unfortunately didn't apply for his state in general. when he stopped directing his anger towards me, he started directing it towards my mother, and they've now been teetering on the edge of splitting up for about two-three years. most of that is blamed on me for being dysfunctional and antisocial, rather than their own issues of being incompatible assholes. i probably don't help matters by being sassy and fighting back, but after years of being their punching bag and crying every day i got sick of it. nowadays they both dislike me.

this... awkward dynamic with my parents resulted in a lot of difficulties in the outside world when i was growing up. i never actually learned how to socialise with people because my siblings and i had nothing in common, so none of them really liked me until we got older. once it came to preschool i didn't interact with anyone bc i was terrified of them, and it wasnt until what would be the equivalent of first grade that i made my first friend, who would later be ripped from me in a car accident that happened right in front of me and marks what was undeniably the worst day of my life. i got better at this stuff as time went on, and i ended up actually being reasonably popular by the time i finished secondary school (high school) albeit very quiet. this was all later taken away by the pandemic which brought my irl friend count to a whopping zero, but that's not rly a topic for today.

heres where we get to the part that makes me feel worse. ive always felt like am a terrible friend because im too scared to reach out to people whenever i do wanna talk, which isnt often to begin with because ive effectively been forced to stay silent all my life and it's just become normalised. a lot of my friends think i dont like them because i rarely message them unless im worried about them, and i dont really have any explanation most of the time but it sure does make me feel shitty. ive also projected my problems onto people a lot when they dont deserve it because i dont really have many outlets at all now that i can't go anywhere (i havent left my house for more than essential shopping since march) and it just makes them uncomfortable and they feel pressured to "fix me" when that responsibility isnt theirs to begin with. i'm sorry to anyone i've done this to, you know who you are and i hope i haven't caused any damage that can't be repaired. at the same time, im sorry to anyone whos tried to confide in me and been bit in the hand. i try my best to help anyone i can, but sometimes it doesnt work. it was never my intention to hurt but i managed to do it and thats all that really matters at the end of the day i guess.

on the other hand ive managed to help a lot of people out with their own struggles, which is not only amazing for them but also has the added benefit of making me feel a bit less useless. that's kinda selfish of me but i think it's worth recognising that helping others is a good thing and that people deserve to feel good after doing it. having a pretty tough life has made it possible for me to empathise with a lot of issues people face, and in a weird way im kind of thankful for it as a result lol.

i have a lot more that i feel like saying, but im running out of steam and my thoughts are really clouded, so maybe i'll make another post another time. i don't feel as bad as i used to anymore. ive made wonderful friends both here and elsewhere that have helped me with so much, and they really mean the world to me. a special thank you to my boyfriend who has been the biggest positive influence in my life - he'll probably never read this but who knows, maybe i'll send it to him at some point. much love to the rats too, you guys know who you are lmao i love you so much.

that really had zero direction and substance and was pretty much just word vomit now that i look at it, but i feel a little better after writing it. thanks to anyone who reads it in full, and thanks for this thread in general.

keep your head up. you'll be okay.

 

[zioziotrip]

Where to start. I've been having issues with depression and anxiety for a number of years usually stemming from a lot of self-deprecation and lack of knowing the meaning or purpose of my life. Idt these are very uncommon issues but a few events in recent times have made my issues exceptionally worse. I have I've kept these feelings bottled up for a long ass time outside of tidbits in dms and I just need somewhere to rant.

From a young age, I've had a great amount of expectation placed on me by my parents and peers. Both were great students w/ good careers and as the first child, it was my duty to carry out the wishes of my parents to go down the same path. At first, this was fine and dandy. Elementary school was a breeze for me. I was two years ahead in math and capable of reading middle school level books by second grade. I found math and english both exceedingly easy and performed proportionally well on tests. I was placed in a program for "advanced students" called Magnet. I ended up opting out because simply being a good student didn't interest me at all. School to me was just somewhere to read books and meet others.

Come middle school, life took a turn for the worse. I started to really question what the point of learning all the nonsense in school really is. This led to me not really having the motivation to do much. I thought it was fine rocking As and Bs but to my parents that was underperforming based on their expectations. There was a lot of verbal abuse over basically nothing, it felt like a lot of the time they would look for something so they could take out their frustration on me. Whenever they decided to drink it got worse and worse. As time went on there were more and more awful events that resulted from their drinking. My mom has threatened divorce several times even having episodes where she would take off for several days w/o contact and by the third time, it was expected for her to return. The first two times were beyond terrifying and saddening. Some other events include my mother getting so loud in a hotel room that police were called, my mother then tried to get my father arrested over absolutely nothing and as a 14 y/o I had never been more stressed than fending off two cops from arresting my dad. There was an incident in 3rd grade when I was thrown down half a flight of stairs for tying one of my shoes wrong but luckily threats of the CPS were enough to ward off physical violence.

I started to ponder why this was happening to me. It led to me believing that I was an incredibly shitty person and all the shitty things to happen to me were par for the course. Still absolutely sick of school and how constricting it felt I continued to do mediocre. Unless around one of very few trustable friends I would put up a stoic facade. I thought that my true rambunctious nature and appreciation of strange anime/books was something I had to keep hidden. As somewhat of a tech-savvy person I turned to the internet as an outlet for my frustrations and niche interests. If around during the net around 2012-2016 you're surely aware of its less than appropriate nature. It added a lot of words to my vocabulary that got me in trouble and mixed w/ the wrong crowds. Luckily, I've met a lot of people from different walks of life as Detriot and its surrounding area is home to a lot of wonderful individuals. Two of my close friends had come out as bisexual and trans respectively by freshman year and I'm incredibly lucky to have had the opportunity to correct the horrible shit the net had taught me. I'm still absolutely disgusted by some of the shit that I had experienced through the net in early life but I can't say it was a net negative. I could finally discuss my hobbies w/o fear of being mocked and meet great people I'd never come across in normal life.

While still a little hesitant on why I was really here come Sophmore year tragedy hit. 3rd quarter had just ended and it was business as usual in first hour until a voice came on the intercom. "--- is in critical condition from a car accident..." It all was blurry from there. One of my best friends since childhood had been run over while biking home from school. While I had family pass away previously, it was nothing like this. One day me and them were laughing about w/e nonsense enjoying youth then suddenly they were gone. I was utterly devastated. Old thoughts of doubt and misery crept their way back. I started to really wonder if life was worth living. I had absolutely no aspiration in life and still don't. I felt like a dead man walking day after day. I had nothing to look forward to and the stress of it all was finally starting to get to me. I had rope on standby in my room which once during a really bad night I came close to using. Two weeks into the loss quarantine was called.

The last quarter of sophomore year would be happening in quarantine. With no hope for my future, I spent all day dicking around, anything but school work. I wanted to condemn myself. There was a point where I was being passed complete work and I didn't turn it in. This is around when I got involved in mons. With a shit ton of time suddenly on my hands, it was a natural conclusion. I had already come back for SS after a hiatus I took early SM. My work was finally being appreciated, it felt nice. Whenever I would do something of worth irl it felt like that was the bare minimum expected of me leaving me w/ absolutely no satisfaction. I have realized in recent times mons is a terrible coping mechanism. I'm now a quarter into junior year finding myself in a similar spot that I was last year. I have more assignments not done than done.

It's now peak quarantine w/ my area having a resurgence. Where I live is a massive hotspot so I haven't been able to see friends in months and it's really starting to weigh down on me. I had a conversation w/ all of them yesterday with two seriously considering a suicide pack. I'm doing absolutely everything in my power to make sure that doesn't come to fruition but goddamn I need a break. I can't go a week w/o some nonsense drama between my parents and being the mediator is driving me fucking crazy. I feel like any day could be the day I snap and I’ve def had outbursts, apologies to all that have to put up w/ me during those times. I’ve done a lot of thinking and decided I need to step away from everything to do some self-reflection, and hopefully some school work/actual work along the way.

I think I've made some realizations in my life. I think most importantly, holy shit life is insufferable at times. Nobody owes you anything nor do they have any reason to care about you. There is just a lot of frankly bullshit unfair things about how the world runs but c'est la vie. Life won't adjust to you if you complain hard enough, you have to take the good w/ the bad. Also, life is way too short to get stuck on small things. Frankly, people that search for perfect people and condemn those who don't fall in line really piss me off. We're all here for different reasons and constant shitslinging is no way to live. I try to accept that people have imperfections but to each their own ig.

I don’t regret my time back in mons, on the contrary. I’ve meet a lot of great people and had a lot of fun w/ mons for a time. I plan on returning at some point but rn I need to get my life on the right track and mons is simply a distraction atm. Big love to all the homies, thanks for listening to my rant.