also side note, but don’t start off with unfortunately. It’s normal to get help, never be afraid to ask for someone to talk to. I’m always here, and i’m sure that there are others who can help you out also! Never feel ashamed to talk here.
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Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread
- Thread starter Rollout Shuckle
- Start date
ive recently started dating a new girl; and Id *NEVER* put my mental tax on anyone, but omg her just being so wonderful makes me feel silly,
like "oh? I just needed a decent person this whole time?"
obv easier said than done.
but I can feel it in my heart when we're together, she's healing me without even trying -- without me even wanting to impose that job on her: "Fix the broken boy"
I need to do something really nice for her.
Warmth after years of cold is intense, lovely, and overwhelming in the best ways.
We talk anything from sports (Cus shes an athlete herself too) to life to silliness to etc its just insane how being infused by a similar soul with love changes things.
I even got her into watching wrestling with me haha.
like "oh? I just needed a decent person this whole time?"
obv easier said than done.
but I can feel it in my heart when we're together, she's healing me without even trying -- without me even wanting to impose that job on her: "Fix the broken boy"
I need to do something really nice for her.
Warmth after years of cold is intense, lovely, and overwhelming in the best ways.
We talk anything from sports (Cus shes an athlete herself too) to life to silliness to etc its just insane how being infused by a similar soul with love changes things.
I even got her into watching wrestling with me haha.
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I had a seizure while at the gym today. Luckily, my coach noticed me. My sleep wasn't that good last night so that might be a contributing factor.
April 2026 update
got rid of discord in general and started slowly talking about my issues with people I know. I know I signed up for the PU Open and ZUWC, but people will have to use this site to contact me since I'm at the end of my presence on the internet after 20 long years. otherwise I mostly switched to single player games like Xenoblade and found a new rl community to meet people.
i don't see myself playing mons once gen 9 ends.
got rid of discord in general and started slowly talking about my issues with people I know. I know I signed up for the PU Open and ZUWC, but people will have to use this site to contact me since I'm at the end of my presence on the internet after 20 long years. otherwise I mostly switched to single player games like Xenoblade and found a new rl community to meet people.
i don't see myself playing mons once gen 9 ends.
this is probably the best place I can ask this
does someone else have these recurring dreams that center around a place you've been in and doesn't resemble a place that you've ever been too?
about once a year, I get this dream of a mansion or a large house or something like that. It's always made with walls from wood boards, some rooms with wallpaper of different, old fashioned design, and the rooms are all very large with a centerpiece, something like a large table with a huge lamp above it
and it always breaks down in some way. Something like House of Leaves, like the ground (which I never can explain, I don't know if I ever saw it) giving out to a bottomless, pitch-black pit, rooms being replaced by mountain passes or being contorted to impossible geometry, or loud, strong, cold winds blaring through every bit of the house
and I never engage with it directly. It's a location in a video game I never played, it's a painting I never viewed. But whenever I get to it, it engulfs me completely
if I had to compare it to something, it would be like the Overlook Hotel from the Shining, like the mansion from the first Resident Evil or like the Navidson residence from House of Leaves. But nothing really compares it. Nothing clearly describes it either, what I give above is as close as I can come to putting it into words, it's too abstract to really put it into language
every dream I have of it unsettles me, I'd describe them as nightmares, but I never wake up feeling scared from them. There's just this feeling of being unsettled and having experienced something I shouldn't have, but I can't wake from it, and I can't avoid it in my dreams, it always draws me in
weird, isn't it?
does someone else have these recurring dreams that center around a place you've been in and doesn't resemble a place that you've ever been too?
about once a year, I get this dream of a mansion or a large house or something like that. It's always made with walls from wood boards, some rooms with wallpaper of different, old fashioned design, and the rooms are all very large with a centerpiece, something like a large table with a huge lamp above it
and it always breaks down in some way. Something like House of Leaves, like the ground (which I never can explain, I don't know if I ever saw it) giving out to a bottomless, pitch-black pit, rooms being replaced by mountain passes or being contorted to impossible geometry, or loud, strong, cold winds blaring through every bit of the house
and I never engage with it directly. It's a location in a video game I never played, it's a painting I never viewed. But whenever I get to it, it engulfs me completely
if I had to compare it to something, it would be like the Overlook Hotel from the Shining, like the mansion from the first Resident Evil or like the Navidson residence from House of Leaves. But nothing really compares it. Nothing clearly describes it either, what I give above is as close as I can come to putting it into words, it's too abstract to really put it into language
every dream I have of it unsettles me, I'd describe them as nightmares, but I never wake up feeling scared from them. There's just this feeling of being unsettled and having experienced something I shouldn't have, but I can't wake from it, and I can't avoid it in my dreams, it always draws me in
weird, isn't it?
I think i cant keep up more with mons at this point
In summer i was playing much better than im playing now, but when i started school again i felt like i was playing much, MUCH worse than before, and i felt really frustrated about that. The stress of the school combined with that i was feeling mons as a job and not as a game made me quit
Two months ago suddenly i was starting to play worse, i took less time to think my moves, i wasnt able to make gameplans in my head and identify wincons, and even when i forced myself to think about the game and focus i still was choking constantly, even when i knew which moves i should make. I was feeling like an awful player and i couldn't avoid comparing myself to my mons friends, that were constantly having good tournament results, they seemed to be able to see details that i was unable to identify and they made much better plays than me.
At some point i became kind of obsessed with this idea of getting better and i watched a lot of videos about how to practice, how to get better and i started playing mons for hours, trying to keep up with the pace of my friends, and i felt like it was impossible. Even those who had almost as few experience as me were much better players. Even in my main tier, LC, that is the tier where i play best, i was having a lot of losses and i was so fucking nervous that i choked and literally missclicked in week 3 of DPL vs hxmo
After going 0-4 in WCoPP (not WCoP) in GSC and losing a BW Bo3 vs TyCarter because i played horribly and after the advice of some of my friends i decided to take a break from this game. I still have team tournaments pending and i won't let down my teammates, but i decided to stop playing individual tours except a doubles LC tour bc i want to learn the tier, and ladder because i was having a very unhealthy relationship with the game and it was affecting my self esteem, my energy, my mental and even my physical state since i was sleeping very late just to practice. I even stopped playing other games because i was too focused at playing mons.
I don't want to abandon this community since i made a lot of great friends and they gave so much to me, but the relationship i was having with this game was very unhealthy and i think it's time to stop and come back when i feel less stressed and burned out
If you made it so far, thank you for reading
In summer i was playing much better than im playing now, but when i started school again i felt like i was playing much, MUCH worse than before, and i felt really frustrated about that. The stress of the school combined with that i was feeling mons as a job and not as a game made me quit
Two months ago suddenly i was starting to play worse, i took less time to think my moves, i wasnt able to make gameplans in my head and identify wincons, and even when i forced myself to think about the game and focus i still was choking constantly, even when i knew which moves i should make. I was feeling like an awful player and i couldn't avoid comparing myself to my mons friends, that were constantly having good tournament results, they seemed to be able to see details that i was unable to identify and they made much better plays than me.
At some point i became kind of obsessed with this idea of getting better and i watched a lot of videos about how to practice, how to get better and i started playing mons for hours, trying to keep up with the pace of my friends, and i felt like it was impossible. Even those who had almost as few experience as me were much better players. Even in my main tier, LC, that is the tier where i play best, i was having a lot of losses and i was so fucking nervous that i choked and literally missclicked in week 3 of DPL vs hxmo
After going 0-4 in WCoPP (not WCoP) in GSC and losing a BW Bo3 vs TyCarter because i played horribly and after the advice of some of my friends i decided to take a break from this game. I still have team tournaments pending and i won't let down my teammates, but i decided to stop playing individual tours except a doubles LC tour bc i want to learn the tier, and ladder because i was having a very unhealthy relationship with the game and it was affecting my self esteem, my energy, my mental and even my physical state since i was sleeping very late just to practice. I even stopped playing other games because i was too focused at playing mons.
I don't want to abandon this community since i made a lot of great friends and they gave so much to me, but the relationship i was having with this game was very unhealthy and i think it's time to stop and come back when i feel less stressed and burned out
If you made it so far, thank you for reading
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Choked and got haxed at a very important set for my team in finals and I feel so broken right now. I know this is just Pokemon at the end of the day but wow, I haven't felt this awful about a loss ever. Feels like my whole self is shut down for the day.
i am kind of falling into a bit of a workaholic phase right now just because work seems like the only thing in my life i can actually control, or improve with effort. i am deeply unhappy with the rest of my life and nothing i ever do seems to move the needle any.
about a year and a half ago i moved around 300 miles from home for my first job after completing my masters degree. finishing graduate school was rough and my advisor was borderline abusive at times, accusing me of being a chronic liar or lazy which to some extent became a self-fulfilling prophecy. the more he passive aggressively tore me down, the less motivated i was even though i kept trying to fulfill my commitments. by the end of graduate school i was having horrible nightmares multiple times a week, by the last year of my grad school i couldn't force myself to work for more than an hour or two because it would just make me too anxious and i couldn't focus. i eventually kicked into high gear and worked nonstop for 2 months to finish my master's degree. i was completely mentally broken by the end like every part of me just said "no more" after finishing. it took almost 3 months after finishing before i even left the house. slowly i worked back up to be able to hold a job, by getting a shitty part time cleaning job, then worked for a few months in a factory, and then got an actually decent job in my field but i had to move to get it. its been good but very isolating socially.
ive always been isolated socially. i can only really blame myself because im not a very interesting or vivid person and i haven't done the work to change that. i was bullied and isolated as a kid. my grandparents were very protective, and wouldn't let me do clubs, sports, or go to other kids houses. i couldn't really do anything and i was raised by the internet to a large extent. really the only thing in my life that went well was i got good grades and people though i was a bright kid, but i always felt like a hollow person. i always only had one friend at a time, with a lot of acquaintances among the weird kids who didn't really like me and i didn't really like them but we got along because we were similar in our weirdness.
before i moved, i had two close friends. one friendship seems to have faded completely. the moment that hurt the most was when i was in the hospital last fall, scared i might have cancer, and he wouldn’t even talk to me on the phone. i stopped reaching out to see if he would contact me first, and he never did. my other close friend is married now, and his wife seems very uncomfortable with me being in his life. we still talk sometimes, but only under certain conditions, and it makes me feel ashamed that i’m willing to accept such a limited version of a friendship that used to mean a lot to me.
i’ve tried to make new connections, but it feels like nothing changes. in clubs or social settings, people seem to keep me at arm’s length. dating has been discouraging too. i rarely match with people i’m actually interested in, and even then i often get ghosted or stood up. the painful part is that connection has always mattered a lot to me, even though i’ve always felt alone. i think my biggest dream is to become someone other people genuinely value socially. even if that doesn’t happen, i’d at least like to become someone i can value while alone.
another unrelated, or maybe deeply related issue, is my sense of gender dysphoria. i know that im not a very feminine person in any sense but ive wished to be a woman since a was a child. idk to what extent it is that i really want to be a woman and to what degree it is that just every part of what i currently am feels contaminated and i yearn for a fresh start. and id be lying if i said it was purely an identity level thing. i mean, there is like a self-romanticizing aspect of it and a part of it where i envy women. but it doesn't change the fact that i think about how much i wish i was a woman, or imagine what life might be like if i were a woman, every single day.
and its getting harder to convince myself that things will ever get better. i mean i am 26 and i have limited life experiences, ability to socialize, i am more isolated than i have ever been, and i have never even had a girlfriend. when i try to imagine myself as a boyfriend, or a husband, or a father i can't even picture it. but for most people their romantic relationship is the most important relationship in their life. and i feel like i am completely unequipped in that area. when i ask myself "do you really want to be a boyfriend, with everything that entails" i can't really answer that question honestly. i can't really picture any future, even in the abstract, that i think would make me happy anymore.
so the past few months, i have been taking less and less care for myself. i no longer see any point in working out or anything like that. ive been eating worse. and ive been working way more than before, more than i should really. i let my coworkers push me into re-entering a phd program. really because thats the only thing i know to do. tryharding is the only lever i know how to press. the only areas where i have been accepted socially at all have been domains where i can supplement my character with sheer effort like playing mafia here on smogon, or working insane hours at work. its empty, and doesn't really benefit me in any material way. but nothing else i do does either.
about a year and a half ago i moved around 300 miles from home for my first job after completing my masters degree. finishing graduate school was rough and my advisor was borderline abusive at times, accusing me of being a chronic liar or lazy which to some extent became a self-fulfilling prophecy. the more he passive aggressively tore me down, the less motivated i was even though i kept trying to fulfill my commitments. by the end of graduate school i was having horrible nightmares multiple times a week, by the last year of my grad school i couldn't force myself to work for more than an hour or two because it would just make me too anxious and i couldn't focus. i eventually kicked into high gear and worked nonstop for 2 months to finish my master's degree. i was completely mentally broken by the end like every part of me just said "no more" after finishing. it took almost 3 months after finishing before i even left the house. slowly i worked back up to be able to hold a job, by getting a shitty part time cleaning job, then worked for a few months in a factory, and then got an actually decent job in my field but i had to move to get it. its been good but very isolating socially.
ive always been isolated socially. i can only really blame myself because im not a very interesting or vivid person and i haven't done the work to change that. i was bullied and isolated as a kid. my grandparents were very protective, and wouldn't let me do clubs, sports, or go to other kids houses. i couldn't really do anything and i was raised by the internet to a large extent. really the only thing in my life that went well was i got good grades and people though i was a bright kid, but i always felt like a hollow person. i always only had one friend at a time, with a lot of acquaintances among the weird kids who didn't really like me and i didn't really like them but we got along because we were similar in our weirdness.
before i moved, i had two close friends. one friendship seems to have faded completely. the moment that hurt the most was when i was in the hospital last fall, scared i might have cancer, and he wouldn’t even talk to me on the phone. i stopped reaching out to see if he would contact me first, and he never did. my other close friend is married now, and his wife seems very uncomfortable with me being in his life. we still talk sometimes, but only under certain conditions, and it makes me feel ashamed that i’m willing to accept such a limited version of a friendship that used to mean a lot to me.
i’ve tried to make new connections, but it feels like nothing changes. in clubs or social settings, people seem to keep me at arm’s length. dating has been discouraging too. i rarely match with people i’m actually interested in, and even then i often get ghosted or stood up. the painful part is that connection has always mattered a lot to me, even though i’ve always felt alone. i think my biggest dream is to become someone other people genuinely value socially. even if that doesn’t happen, i’d at least like to become someone i can value while alone.
another unrelated, or maybe deeply related issue, is my sense of gender dysphoria. i know that im not a very feminine person in any sense but ive wished to be a woman since a was a child. idk to what extent it is that i really want to be a woman and to what degree it is that just every part of what i currently am feels contaminated and i yearn for a fresh start. and id be lying if i said it was purely an identity level thing. i mean, there is like a self-romanticizing aspect of it and a part of it where i envy women. but it doesn't change the fact that i think about how much i wish i was a woman, or imagine what life might be like if i were a woman, every single day.
and its getting harder to convince myself that things will ever get better. i mean i am 26 and i have limited life experiences, ability to socialize, i am more isolated than i have ever been, and i have never even had a girlfriend. when i try to imagine myself as a boyfriend, or a husband, or a father i can't even picture it. but for most people their romantic relationship is the most important relationship in their life. and i feel like i am completely unequipped in that area. when i ask myself "do you really want to be a boyfriend, with everything that entails" i can't really answer that question honestly. i can't really picture any future, even in the abstract, that i think would make me happy anymore.
so the past few months, i have been taking less and less care for myself. i no longer see any point in working out or anything like that. ive been eating worse. and ive been working way more than before, more than i should really. i let my coworkers push me into re-entering a phd program. really because thats the only thing i know to do. tryharding is the only lever i know how to press. the only areas where i have been accepted socially at all have been domains where i can supplement my character with sheer effort like playing mafia here on smogon, or working insane hours at work. its empty, and doesn't really benefit me in any material way. but nothing else i do does either.
It's hitting with a lot of intensity, but this is a normal phase of your life.
Your life is becoming more hard, complex, and self-directed, which puts more stress on your abilities like taking care of yourself and making connections. You don't need as much individual motivation to do these things in earlier phases of life, so your abilities and systems don't need to become as strong.
Now, you're in an intermediary, vulnerable period of adapting to bear that challenge, figuring out how to adapt, and strengthening your systems. You're growing into a fully-fledged adult. You're lacking motivation now, but you will learn how to build it back up, even under challenging circumstances like you face now. It's normal to not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it will imperfectly, gradually, but eventually, reveal itself as you continue to grow. (I can relate to a lot of how you're feeling here.)
I have two recommendations to help you strengthen your motivation.
First, try new social environments that help you feel valued and connected, without requiring workaholism and icebreaking / social skills to the same extent as your current environments. Volunteering jumps out to me. If you can find a cause or trade in there that particularly sparks you, all the better. A recreational sports league also comes to mind. Any healthy place where you have a clearer role and structure among other adults. (Note – especially in these environments, it's very okay to be bad and unskilled at doing things! Having spent solid time volunteering / working for an NGO, showing up, caring up, trying to follow directions, and not hurting people goes so far.)
Second, try finding additional wellsprings of motivation and self-valuation, beyond connection and other people. It's always healthy and stabilizing to draw power from multiple sources. On that note,
Start poking around inside. What do you like and dislike? What do you value? Why? What are your favorite things? What are your tastes? What makes them that way? What's something interesting to you that you enjoy thinking and learning about – go think and learn about them! What is your perspective on things? What are your skills and strengths and weaknesses? Try things, both concrete action things and self-conceptualizations / understandings / framings / representations things. Who are you? Answer the question, give an answer that has some true things but some incomplete or false things, go back, learn more, answer again, give an answer that has some true things but some incomplete or false things, gradually go and grow and get things wrong sometimes and learn about it. Collect data and look at it. Make plans and schemas and strategies. Collect emotional experiences and look at them. Do whatever thing I didn't think to mention that you think you should do, and figure out what that thing is. Don't do whatever thing I mentioned that you think you shouldn't do.
This process is hard and often starts slow. Don't be discouraged if it feels slow and if (when) you get things wrong and make mistakes. Like any thing people do, you get better at it and better able to do it over time. Your post clearly shows you can reflect. Try some more of that, and try some other things that aren't reflecting.
Everyone has a fascinating person inside of them, they just don't always see it, and it takes time to put the picture together.
I normally don’t talk about this, but it has to be said since this is really making me tired and a bit annoyed. I really don’t like how others in this community consistently bash me and act aggressive towards me on a near daily basis.
Ever since my unban, i’ve notice that a lot of people started acting really weird towards me, weird in the sense that they’ve been very micro aggressive towards me, throwing shade and just making me feel like I don’t deserve to be in this community. I do understand that though, since i used to be an ass before my ban, and i’ve became aware of how I used to be and focused on bettering myself so that I can be a better me. But no matter where I go and where I try, users are always pushing me away and are just….isolating me, saying I don’t matter, saying I’m not relevant, saying I don’t exist, saying I should die and hang. It hurts. It’s like nobody in this community likes me, and wishes me gone forever and I understand that. I keep getting multiple infractions, and warnings, and bans, and I just keep getting told I don’t matter, I’m a lost cause, and you’d be better off elsewhere.
No matter how hard I try to change, people always say i’m putting on an act, and say i’m being fake. saying i’m not trying, saying they don’t believe me and tell me to quit the community. It hurts when a user says it. I don’t know how to feel now. It’s like a prison I just can’t get out of, I want to speak my mind, but i don’t want to knowing that i’m being bashed my users and staff and they wish for me to leave. it’s hard to think about it all and what I should, but i feel like speaking here would get me some advice. I’m just tired, and empty. and done.
I know i’m not good at a few formats and projects I take an interest in, but why must you tell me to die and get aggressive with me for at least trying. Why must I feel like a monster whenever I take an interest in something I like. and Get rudely criticized and bashed harshly for asking for help. Is it THAT BAD to ask for help in this community? Am i that big of an issue to you to come on here and on discord and just harass me everyday because You don’t think i’m trying to be a better person? all I want is to enjoy and help around in the community, and I can’t have that either because it ruins their “garden of eden”??
Ever since my unban, i’ve notice that a lot of people started acting really weird towards me, weird in the sense that they’ve been very micro aggressive towards me, throwing shade and just making me feel like I don’t deserve to be in this community. I do understand that though, since i used to be an ass before my ban, and i’ve became aware of how I used to be and focused on bettering myself so that I can be a better me. But no matter where I go and where I try, users are always pushing me away and are just….isolating me, saying I don’t matter, saying I’m not relevant, saying I don’t exist, saying I should die and hang. It hurts. It’s like nobody in this community likes me, and wishes me gone forever and I understand that. I keep getting multiple infractions, and warnings, and bans, and I just keep getting told I don’t matter, I’m a lost cause, and you’d be better off elsewhere.
No matter how hard I try to change, people always say i’m putting on an act, and say i’m being fake. saying i’m not trying, saying they don’t believe me and tell me to quit the community. It hurts when a user says it. I don’t know how to feel now. It’s like a prison I just can’t get out of, I want to speak my mind, but i don’t want to knowing that i’m being bashed my users and staff and they wish for me to leave. it’s hard to think about it all and what I should, but i feel like speaking here would get me some advice. I’m just tired, and empty. and done.
I know i’m not good at a few formats and projects I take an interest in, but why must you tell me to die and get aggressive with me for at least trying. Why must I feel like a monster whenever I take an interest in something I like. and Get rudely criticized and bashed harshly for asking for help. Is it THAT BAD to ask for help in this community? Am i that big of an issue to you to come on here and on discord and just harass me everyday because You don’t think i’m trying to be a better person? all I want is to enjoy and help around in the community, and I can’t have that either because it ruins their “garden of eden”??
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Hello everyone, I'm making this post to announce I'm retiring from competitive mons effective immediately, and I'm also going to set my internet presence free. I'm typing this teary-eyed, although I knew for a few months now it was going to happen soon enough.
I've reached my breaking point with social media and the internet and this can't continue any further. Don't get me wrong, I will love Pokemon probably my entire life, but I'm only going to use it as leisure and trivia and fun facts. I knew for a while the internet is not a place for me to make friendships and join communities, and nothing replaces real people, flawed as they are. I'm never going to live a happy life, find friendships and love, a girlfriend or a love life in general, if I keep going on like this.
I've already started working on myself, losing weight, learning a new language, and a lot of information about humans and the way they work. My journey (re-)started in March 2025. Pokemon is where I started as a kid on the old, defunct SuperSkarmory Forums back in 2012, and Pokemon is where things end for me, here in 2026. It's been one year and two months of a transition phase that ends today. I said Smogon is going to be my last online community and I will keep my promise.
Once I do this, I will delete my browsing history.
Thank you for everything, guys. It's been a nice ride.
My last two words: Free Volcarona.
I've reached my breaking point with social media and the internet and this can't continue any further. Don't get me wrong, I will love Pokemon probably my entire life, but I'm only going to use it as leisure and trivia and fun facts. I knew for a while the internet is not a place for me to make friendships and join communities, and nothing replaces real people, flawed as they are. I'm never going to live a happy life, find friendships and love, a girlfriend or a love life in general, if I keep going on like this.
I've already started working on myself, losing weight, learning a new language, and a lot of information about humans and the way they work. My journey (re-)started in March 2025. Pokemon is where I started as a kid on the old, defunct SuperSkarmory Forums back in 2012, and Pokemon is where things end for me, here in 2026. It's been one year and two months of a transition phase that ends today. I said Smogon is going to be my last online community and I will keep my promise.
Once I do this, I will delete my browsing history.
Thank you for everything, guys. It's been a nice ride.
My last two words: Free Volcarona.
Okay, so I don’t know where the right place to post this is, but I need to get a few things off my chest. First up on the menu- you know how people will take pictures of their kids and post them online, or how people will say things like “Oh, they’re so cute!” in passing conversation… you know, perfectly not normal sounding things that, like… certainly I’m not the only person that finds this weird, right? I know for a fact there’s all kinds of pictures and information about me on the Internet and the knowledge of that just sits and nags at me. I can maybe give this kind of thing a pass if you just had a newborn baby of your own and you don’t post anything, but the moment you post anything about a child without telling them, or the moment you say something along those lines I mentioned earlier about someone else’s child, I’m not sure about you guys but this automatically makes you a walking red flag for me. Please, if you or anyone you know are considering calling a child “cute” or want to post pictures of them online… just don’t. It’s weird, it’s creepy, and all you’re doing is asking for attention while creating repercussions for your child that they likely don’t even know about.
The other thing I wanted to rant about in this post has to do with older people. Specifically, people around your own age in the context of the social and sometimes romantic space. I’m just going to give it to you straight- there’s a part in every young adult’s life where they start thinking about stuff a bit more. That’s to be expected. But that’s not the issue here. The issue I have here is that recently I’ve been noticing a concerning amount of people in public that just could not care less about how they, uh, “appear” in public, if you know what I mean. For a guy in his early 20s that’s trying work on both his self-esteem, his spiritual side, and preferably his social life, I’ve just about had it having to specifically try and turn away from this when it happens. It’s gotten so bad I actually considered asking my family’s church they attend about this. I’m not saying every place in public needs to have some kind of dress code, but if you go around in public doing this, you know who you are, and all you’re doing is making yourself look less appealing to me as someone I want to talk to, let alone try and make friends with. I quite frankly do not care if your outfit makes you “more comfortable” or whatever you’re going to tell me. You people know da** well what you’re doing going into public wearing that and you’re not doing either of us any favors.
taking deep breaths
So yeah. That’s what been bothering my mental wellness lately. Somehow the word “cute” is actively being ruined in my mind in both contexts solely out of my desire to be a responsible and respectful human being. Do you know just how wildly changed my brain has to be not even want to call this thing cute!?
The other thing I wanted to rant about in this post has to do with older people. Specifically, people around your own age in the context of the social and sometimes romantic space. I’m just going to give it to you straight- there’s a part in every young adult’s life where they start thinking about stuff a bit more. That’s to be expected. But that’s not the issue here. The issue I have here is that recently I’ve been noticing a concerning amount of people in public that just could not care less about how they, uh, “appear” in public, if you know what I mean. For a guy in his early 20s that’s trying work on both his self-esteem, his spiritual side, and preferably his social life, I’ve just about had it having to specifically try and turn away from this when it happens. It’s gotten so bad I actually considered asking my family’s church they attend about this. I’m not saying every place in public needs to have some kind of dress code, but if you go around in public doing this, you know who you are, and all you’re doing is making yourself look less appealing to me as someone I want to talk to, let alone try and make friends with. I quite frankly do not care if your outfit makes you “more comfortable” or whatever you’re going to tell me. You people know da** well what you’re doing going into public wearing that and you’re not doing either of us any favors.
taking deep breaths
So yeah. That’s what been bothering my mental wellness lately. Somehow the word “cute” is actively being ruined in my mind in both contexts solely out of my desire to be a responsible and respectful human being. Do you know just how wildly changed my brain has to be not even want to call this thing cute!?
You're looking at this in terms of your own world and it might be helpful to consider other people's perspectives.
I'm sorry to hear that your image being spread online without your consent makes you uncomfortable. That's totally fair to feel uncomfortable with, and there's a lot that can be said about parents being too comfortable spreading their kids' information and appearance online, and even just people generally being too comfortable spreading the information and appearance of people online.
I can totally understand how that experience makes you uncomfortable when people call young children cute. That experience does not make it abnormal to call young children cute, though. Calling young children cute is normal. You're red flagging massive swathes of people of all stripes.
Similarly, I can totally understand how your own sensitivities make you sensitive to the appearances of others outside the social norm. However, your discomfort does not mean they are doing something immoral that deserves judgment. To get to the point,
The response of these people is often one or both of:
1) You evaluate my appearance in terms of what it does for you, but my appearance isn't about you. It's about me. I don't care that I look less appealing to you. I don't create and choose my experience for the purpose of your approval, I want to look and feel how I want to for my own sake.
and:
2) I am glad that my appearance makes you uninterested in me. I do not want to spend time around people who are hostile to how I choose my own appearance. If that is how you judge me, I don't want to be your friend anyway.
__
In general, it seems like you're mixing up your emotional reactions and judgments. These things make you uncomfortable, which is fair, feel how you like, I would never try to control that or take that away from you. But feelings aren't necessarily correct signs that people are behaving improperly or abnormally.
This sort of mixup creates a mental health challenge. You want the negative feelings to go away so that you feel better, which seems fair enough. But when we say that we ought not to have these feelings, that the world and other people should change in our favor so that we don't have to deal with them, we deny ourselves emotional agency to take charge of our own feelings ourselves.
Sure, we can't control the feelings we have – that's not what taking charge means, some idea of deciding our feelings. (Trust me, I've tried!) But we can sit with our feelings a bit, understand them more, let them exist for some time, and let them pass. We can take our own control of the situation, and how we respond to and contextualize our feelings, despite not taking control of the feelings themselves. This process strengthens us and makes us more emotionally resilient, ready to respond next to the next situation that makes us feel negatively.
On that front, I encourage you to ask what harm people are causing when they do something you dislike. If that harm is "they make me feel negatively," you can ask why you feel negatively, and if that feeling is something you're justified in imposing on other people's behavior or judging them for, or if it's something you'd just personally rather not have to deal with. And if it's something you'd personally rather not have to deal with, maybe you can resolve the situation yourself, which may entail some discomfort in the moment as part of life, but which will help you be stronger, more empathetic, and more gentle in the long run. Maybe there are even third options there's another way around the situation. For example, if someone you know repeatedly makes you uncomfortable by calling babies cute, you could ask them to not, not because doing so is immoral, but as a favor because you have this past situation and this present reaction. And they might agree, and that'd be mighty kind of them, and strengthen your relationship from a ground of mutual even footing and choice.
__
Something I would be careful of is systemic bias. As someone who comes from white and Caribbean culture, I say this sincerely with full genuineness and full neutrality and no hostility, your post is extremely white culture-coded. I don't know how familiar you are with island culture, or spanish and black culture more broadly, but at least for mine, we're generally much more socially assertive and hands-on than expectation for white culture. We will call babies and children cute and more all the time, not because we value children any less, but that's just how we express our joy and love and familial bond and happy, positive energy to the children and their parents. By judging a less distanced form of interaction, you may -accidentally- be privileging a white culture social dynamic over a minority culture social dynamic.
Similarly, what is a socially "appropriate" way to appear is often arbitrary and hierarchical. There is no particular rational justification that male breasts are totally okay to have exposed in various situations, but exposing female breasts is bad!!!! Many normal ways we dress today, especially for women, would be utterly scandalous and baffling for past versions of our own cultures. Societal appearance dynamics are often hierarchical, including patriarchal, with men being given more freedom and women being given more restrictions for no particular rational basis.
I lastly want to note that these sorts of mental hiccups are a normal part of life. And I don't want to pretend I'm above the fray either. (I actually suffer from the reverse, where I suppress my emotional reactions too much in the interest of making as perfectly fair judgments as I can. That direction of excess is not healthy either!!!)
Cheers.
I'm sorry to hear that your image being spread online without your consent makes you uncomfortable. That's totally fair to feel uncomfortable with, and there's a lot that can be said about parents being too comfortable spreading their kids' information and appearance online, and even just people generally being too comfortable spreading the information and appearance of people online.
I can totally understand how that experience makes you uncomfortable when people call young children cute. That experience does not make it abnormal to call young children cute, though. Calling young children cute is normal. You're red flagging massive swathes of people of all stripes.
Similarly, I can totally understand how your own sensitivities make you sensitive to the appearances of others outside the social norm. However, your discomfort does not mean they are doing something immoral that deserves judgment. To get to the point,
The response of these people is often one or both of:
1) You evaluate my appearance in terms of what it does for you, but my appearance isn't about you. It's about me. I don't care that I look less appealing to you. I don't create and choose my experience for the purpose of your approval, I want to look and feel how I want to for my own sake.
and:
2) I am glad that my appearance makes you uninterested in me. I do not want to spend time around people who are hostile to how I choose my own appearance. If that is how you judge me, I don't want to be your friend anyway.
__
In general, it seems like you're mixing up your emotional reactions and judgments. These things make you uncomfortable, which is fair, feel how you like, I would never try to control that or take that away from you. But feelings aren't necessarily correct signs that people are behaving improperly or abnormally.
This sort of mixup creates a mental health challenge. You want the negative feelings to go away so that you feel better, which seems fair enough. But when we say that we ought not to have these feelings, that the world and other people should change in our favor so that we don't have to deal with them, we deny ourselves emotional agency to take charge of our own feelings ourselves.
Sure, we can't control the feelings we have – that's not what taking charge means, some idea of deciding our feelings. (Trust me, I've tried!) But we can sit with our feelings a bit, understand them more, let them exist for some time, and let them pass. We can take our own control of the situation, and how we respond to and contextualize our feelings, despite not taking control of the feelings themselves. This process strengthens us and makes us more emotionally resilient, ready to respond next to the next situation that makes us feel negatively.
On that front, I encourage you to ask what harm people are causing when they do something you dislike. If that harm is "they make me feel negatively," you can ask why you feel negatively, and if that feeling is something you're justified in imposing on other people's behavior or judging them for, or if it's something you'd just personally rather not have to deal with. And if it's something you'd personally rather not have to deal with, maybe you can resolve the situation yourself, which may entail some discomfort in the moment as part of life, but which will help you be stronger, more empathetic, and more gentle in the long run. Maybe there are even third options there's another way around the situation. For example, if someone you know repeatedly makes you uncomfortable by calling babies cute, you could ask them to not, not because doing so is immoral, but as a favor because you have this past situation and this present reaction. And they might agree, and that'd be mighty kind of them, and strengthen your relationship from a ground of mutual even footing and choice.
__
Something I would be careful of is systemic bias. As someone who comes from white and Caribbean culture, I say this sincerely with full genuineness and full neutrality and no hostility, your post is extremely white culture-coded. I don't know how familiar you are with island culture, or spanish and black culture more broadly, but at least for mine, we're generally much more socially assertive and hands-on than expectation for white culture. We will call babies and children cute and more all the time, not because we value children any less, but that's just how we express our joy and love and familial bond and happy, positive energy to the children and their parents. By judging a less distanced form of interaction, you may -accidentally- be privileging a white culture social dynamic over a minority culture social dynamic.
Similarly, what is a socially "appropriate" way to appear is often arbitrary and hierarchical. There is no particular rational justification that male breasts are totally okay to have exposed in various situations, but exposing female breasts is bad!!!! Many normal ways we dress today, especially for women, would be utterly scandalous and baffling for past versions of our own cultures. Societal appearance dynamics are often hierarchical, including patriarchal, with men being given more freedom and women being given more restrictions for no particular rational basis.
I lastly want to note that these sorts of mental hiccups are a normal part of life. And I don't want to pretend I'm above the fray either. (I actually suffer from the reverse, where I suppress my emotional reactions too much in the interest of making as perfectly fair judgments as I can. That direction of excess is not healthy either!!!)
Cheers.
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There’s a lot here and I don’t really know where to begin, other than there’s a lot of helpful information here. I found myself going down a bit of a rabbit hole this morning and, in the context of said rabbit hole, I understand what you are trying to do with this post is help. And your help is definitely appreciated. I’m not going to try and make any excuses, but what I will say is that I am not the only person in my inner circle that feels this way about some of these things.
You mentioned that I was getting my emotional reactions and judgments mixed up, and… yeah, that tracks. I do that a lot. It’s one of the things I want to be better about, since I never mean for myself to judge people. In fact, me being the Human Services guy on the spectrum that I am, I’m one of the last people that should be judging others. Not judging people based on their appearance? I’ll admit, I’ve never been particularly good about that. (I partially myself, but also blame the overtly conservative environment I grew up in- I don’t think my family’s ready for that conversation yet.)
I agree strongly with Adeleine. Her post is well structured and touches upon important nuances.
bdt, I am having difficulty parsing your post completely because of the way you verbally dance around certain topics.
When you refer to someone’s public appearance, what do you mean? Are they unshaven? Are they wearing athletic clothes or pajama bottoms? Tattoos, piercings?
The advice or feedback you receive from others will vary wildly depending on your answer. (Although it will likely all boil down to what Ado said about others’ appearances being for them, not for you.)
bdt, I am having difficulty parsing your post completely because of the way you verbally dance around certain topics.
When you refer to someone’s public appearance, what do you mean? Are they unshaven? Are they wearing athletic clothes or pajama bottoms? Tattoos, piercings?
The advice or feedback you receive from others will vary wildly depending on your answer. (Although it will likely all boil down to what Ado said about others’ appearances being for them, not for you.)
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