for the past ~week i have slowly been crumbling back into a state of depression.
i think this mostly stems from my absolute fear of going back to school at the end of august. college is already hard to begin with, but along with covid, it was genuinely such a terrible experience. i did all my classes from my tiny dorm with my maga supporting clown of a roommate, and not only is it much harder to learn calculus online, but it is impossible to make any sort of social connection. the only 'friends' (i use that term loosely) were three people living on my floor, and when your school has over five thousand undergraduate students, that's pretty disappointing. i've gone over this time and time again, but aside from the impossible-to-make-friends archetype of my freshman experience, the academic side of things was so mentally challenging, taxing, and exhausting. i don't know who thought this was a good idea, but learning four levels of calculus and chemistry in two semesters (along with my other classes) is not fun, and i am absolutely terrified of year 2. this year i effectively only took two 'real' classes per team, but next year it's getting bumped up to three. combined with the fact that i can no longer commit academic dishonesty on every exam, i am really scared of how bad this school year is going to be. im already thinking about taking a term or even a full semester off if it gets too tough. maybe im just mentally weak, but i am quite literally haunted every day at the premise of the school year starting again. i still have eight weeks to go, but it doesn't matter. every night when i go to bed i think about how i am one step closer to returning to campus and most likely a depressive state. the dumbest part is that i'm not even struggling in school, in fact i'm quite excelling with a 3.5 gpa and getting straight a's my last term, which would make it very hard to convince my dumbass family (who, in case u were forgotten, responded with me coming out as trans to them with "you are not trans") that i need a real break from school for mental health reasons.
things are not helped my the fact that when im not in school and depressed, i'm on break doing nothing fun, being haunted by school returning, and slowly but surely becoming depressed. the past ~1.5 month since ive been on break has been fine but this week i have had thoughts of wanting to die and not wanting to wake up return to me for the first time in a while, and frankly, it sucks. probably stems from the fact that, like i mentioned before, i make terrible use of my free time. i have no hobbies outside of smogon at this point. i've been throwing myself into c&c / writing articles / creating resources / etc. but honestly its just because if im not doing anything im just gonna go lay on my bed in the dark and be sad. i even do, frankly, waste of time things like finding all time dou / rby player records from spl/snake/wcop or redoing the entirely of rbypl 1 usage stats, which people don't really care about, but i need to constantly keep myself busy or i know im going to go cry in my room. this 'strategy' of piling myself with smogon work has mostly kept me in check, but this past week has been so bad. its really hit me that ive spent my entire summer doing nothing fun or worthwhile, and instead been lying to myself that doing 6 qc checks in 2 days was a healthy way to spend ur time.
these past 1.5 months have really just been a huge facade -- i'm not happy, and smogon work was just a barrier i put up to distract me from the fact that i've been wasting all my free time doing nothing bc i don't know what makes me happy.
even now that i've realized i've been lying to myself, i don't know how to fix this problem. i cant remember the last time i was really happy. the closet thing i can remember is watching my friends play back to back tour sets in call, and i think thats a sign that i really deeply miss social interaction. my birthday is coming up in less than two weeks and i am not excited to turn 19 while sitting in my room all day getting zero birthday wishes because i don't have any irl friends. this is a pretty depressive picture to paint and the worst part is it probably becomes real soon.
sophmore year - senior year of high school pre covid was probably the peak of my life. hopefully i dont come off as flexing, but i was legitimately very popular and did very well in classes with minimal stress. i had fun at school every day since i could hang out with my friends, and i would even do things like winning back-to-back talent shows by making everyone laugh. i was really happy then. unfor, covid striked, school shut down, and all my closest friends outed themselves as bad human beings when they would kept staying maga shit like "covid isn't real, look at the numbers" and "black lives matter protests need to be shut down" and "if you don't want to be shot by the police don't resist". just absolutely terrible people that i had to eventually cut off. ever since, i've not been able to create a new group of friends, and i think thats the cause of my pain. im generally very outgoing but bc of covid ive been forced into a shell where i cant interact with other human beings. i remember in summers prior i used to go to summer camp and hang out with people all day or play sports and hang out with people all day, and this year i just dont have that option. i instead spend all my time on smogon/discord and while i do appreciate my friends, its just not the same.
this is of course without mentioning trans issue lol. very cool that i told my parents i was trans, they tried to "talk me out of it" basically, and like three or whatever months later they've completely forgotten. maybe i should have continued to press the issue, but i also expected my family to accept me for who i was. at this point it might be too late to ever come out until i graduate college which really fucking sucks. i thought about the other day how id never be able to have a coming out party which made me cry, and typing it out rn had made me tear up. then we get the consistent transphobia in smogon / irl which as u might be able to guess, is very much not fun. i could go on for hours about how being trans sucks so much, but ill just ask that u trust me on this one.
anyways tl;dr i suck, life sucks, feelings of wanting to die have come back for the first time in months, and its only going to get worse when school starts back up. i am hoping, praying, that i am able to manage this upcoming school year but probably for the first time in my life i am really doubting my ability to successfully complete the school year without exploding.
highs and lows are just all part of the game, but man do i not wanna be here rn lol
peace
i think this mostly stems from my absolute fear of going back to school at the end of august. college is already hard to begin with, but along with covid, it was genuinely such a terrible experience. i did all my classes from my tiny dorm with my maga supporting clown of a roommate, and not only is it much harder to learn calculus online, but it is impossible to make any sort of social connection. the only 'friends' (i use that term loosely) were three people living on my floor, and when your school has over five thousand undergraduate students, that's pretty disappointing. i've gone over this time and time again, but aside from the impossible-to-make-friends archetype of my freshman experience, the academic side of things was so mentally challenging, taxing, and exhausting. i don't know who thought this was a good idea, but learning four levels of calculus and chemistry in two semesters (along with my other classes) is not fun, and i am absolutely terrified of year 2. this year i effectively only took two 'real' classes per team, but next year it's getting bumped up to three. combined with the fact that i can no longer commit academic dishonesty on every exam, i am really scared of how bad this school year is going to be. im already thinking about taking a term or even a full semester off if it gets too tough. maybe im just mentally weak, but i am quite literally haunted every day at the premise of the school year starting again. i still have eight weeks to go, but it doesn't matter. every night when i go to bed i think about how i am one step closer to returning to campus and most likely a depressive state. the dumbest part is that i'm not even struggling in school, in fact i'm quite excelling with a 3.5 gpa and getting straight a's my last term, which would make it very hard to convince my dumbass family (who, in case u were forgotten, responded with me coming out as trans to them with "you are not trans") that i need a real break from school for mental health reasons.
things are not helped my the fact that when im not in school and depressed, i'm on break doing nothing fun, being haunted by school returning, and slowly but surely becoming depressed. the past ~1.5 month since ive been on break has been fine but this week i have had thoughts of wanting to die and not wanting to wake up return to me for the first time in a while, and frankly, it sucks. probably stems from the fact that, like i mentioned before, i make terrible use of my free time. i have no hobbies outside of smogon at this point. i've been throwing myself into c&c / writing articles / creating resources / etc. but honestly its just because if im not doing anything im just gonna go lay on my bed in the dark and be sad. i even do, frankly, waste of time things like finding all time dou / rby player records from spl/snake/wcop or redoing the entirely of rbypl 1 usage stats, which people don't really care about, but i need to constantly keep myself busy or i know im going to go cry in my room. this 'strategy' of piling myself with smogon work has mostly kept me in check, but this past week has been so bad. its really hit me that ive spent my entire summer doing nothing fun or worthwhile, and instead been lying to myself that doing 6 qc checks in 2 days was a healthy way to spend ur time.
these past 1.5 months have really just been a huge facade -- i'm not happy, and smogon work was just a barrier i put up to distract me from the fact that i've been wasting all my free time doing nothing bc i don't know what makes me happy.
even now that i've realized i've been lying to myself, i don't know how to fix this problem. i cant remember the last time i was really happy. the closet thing i can remember is watching my friends play back to back tour sets in call, and i think thats a sign that i really deeply miss social interaction. my birthday is coming up in less than two weeks and i am not excited to turn 19 while sitting in my room all day getting zero birthday wishes because i don't have any irl friends. this is a pretty depressive picture to paint and the worst part is it probably becomes real soon.
sophmore year - senior year of high school pre covid was probably the peak of my life. hopefully i dont come off as flexing, but i was legitimately very popular and did very well in classes with minimal stress. i had fun at school every day since i could hang out with my friends, and i would even do things like winning back-to-back talent shows by making everyone laugh. i was really happy then. unfor, covid striked, school shut down, and all my closest friends outed themselves as bad human beings when they would kept staying maga shit like "covid isn't real, look at the numbers" and "black lives matter protests need to be shut down" and "if you don't want to be shot by the police don't resist". just absolutely terrible people that i had to eventually cut off. ever since, i've not been able to create a new group of friends, and i think thats the cause of my pain. im generally very outgoing but bc of covid ive been forced into a shell where i cant interact with other human beings. i remember in summers prior i used to go to summer camp and hang out with people all day or play sports and hang out with people all day, and this year i just dont have that option. i instead spend all my time on smogon/discord and while i do appreciate my friends, its just not the same.
this is of course without mentioning trans issue lol. very cool that i told my parents i was trans, they tried to "talk me out of it" basically, and like three or whatever months later they've completely forgotten. maybe i should have continued to press the issue, but i also expected my family to accept me for who i was. at this point it might be too late to ever come out until i graduate college which really fucking sucks. i thought about the other day how id never be able to have a coming out party which made me cry, and typing it out rn had made me tear up. then we get the consistent transphobia in smogon / irl which as u might be able to guess, is very much not fun. i could go on for hours about how being trans sucks so much, but ill just ask that u trust me on this one.
anyways tl;dr i suck, life sucks, feelings of wanting to die have come back for the first time in months, and its only going to get worse when school starts back up. i am hoping, praying, that i am able to manage this upcoming school year but probably for the first time in my life i am really doubting my ability to successfully complete the school year without exploding.
highs and lows are just all part of the game, but man do i not wanna be here rn lol
peace
