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Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread

My hope is that this will be cathartic because I am very lonely right now.

TW: homophobia, religious violence

My family is deeply rooted in evangelical fundamentalism and this, has caused, some trauma that has come to light. I also have incredibly high anxiety, which remained undiagnosed until I was 19. I suspect that I have other conditions as well, possibly ADHD, OCD, bipolar or a milder form of autism. I definitely have depression as well, especially as anxiety and depression are common co-morbitities. However, it took me literally being admitted into a ward to get the first diagnosis as my family just believes prayer will make it go away. I was hoping at some point to meet with a psychologist to figure out the rest of this, but...

I found out last month I'm losing my job, effective next week. Despite job searching every day for positions in my field and entry-level positions at others, it is looking like I am going to be unemployed for the first time in my life and it fucking sucks. Like I can't even imagine that I can't even get a minimum wage job at Walmart or whatever. And all I can think of is how much of a mistake I must be at age 27 to have flunked out of my career already.

So, having been backed into a corner, the only option I have left is to move back in with my parents. Which I am obviously not thrilled about. Furthermore, I have been a closeted gay for a few years now (fundies do this to you) and was hoping I could finally go out and meet people, but that's not happening now. Just as I was getting ready to find a community to come out to, I'm locking myself back in again because I'm convinced shit will hit the fan if I'm out at home because fundies don't play well with gays. Like I believe there is a legitimate chance I could be homeless if I tell anyone now.

Things came to a head this weekend when a family member was admitted to the hospital in critical condition and I felt nothing. I felt awful that I'm just numb at the fact that a family member could be dying when I saw suffering all around me, like what kind of monster must I be. I don't know if it's just my frustration with my family or religion or both but I had the only dry eyes in the room.

I am at the point now where I am just apathetic towards everything. I used to love playing games, cooking food, reading and writing but I have no joy for any of that now. The only thing that brings me joy is the Wendys drive thru, which is obviously problematic. I was a vegetarian for years and this latest spout even has me eating meat again because I don't give a fuck about anything anymore. This has also meant that I've put on a lot of weight in the past month and have probably developed binge eating disorder (which ties in with other mental health possibilities) and gives me another reason to hate my life again.

My ultimate goal in life is to travel more but it seems like I'll never be able to do that without a well-paying job again, which seems just so far away right now. I would also just like to be able to live my authentic self, but that just never seems like it's going to happen until everyone is dead and they can't hate me anymore.

Then I think about the state of the world and just feel even more despair. Climate change is annihilating the world and no one seems to care, and world leaders are leaving it to children to convince them to do anything. I think about racial divides. I live in Canada and we are coming to face with generations of cultural genocide against Indigenous people, of which I am one, and I can't help but think that could've been me or my family that we're finding in mass graves in the ground. I think about the pandemic and how inept most world leaders have been at saving lives in their country because they're afraid to piss off their crazies.

Life is exhausting and it makes me mad while also making me sad because it shouldn't have to be this way.
 
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for the past ~week i have slowly been crumbling back into a state of depression.

i think this mostly stems from my absolute fear of going back to school at the end of august. college is already hard to begin with, but along with covid, it was genuinely such a terrible experience. i did all my classes from my tiny dorm with my maga supporting clown of a roommate, and not only is it much harder to learn calculus online, but it is impossible to make any sort of social connection. the only 'friends' (i use that term loosely) were three people living on my floor, and when your school has over five thousand undergraduate students, that's pretty disappointing. i've gone over this time and time again, but aside from the impossible-to-make-friends archetype of my freshman experience, the academic side of things was so mentally challenging, taxing, and exhausting. i don't know who thought this was a good idea, but learning four levels of calculus and chemistry in two semesters (along with my other classes) is not fun, and i am absolutely terrified of year 2. this year i effectively only took two 'real' classes per team, but next year it's getting bumped up to three. combined with the fact that i can no longer commit academic dishonesty on every exam, i am really scared of how bad this school year is going to be. im already thinking about taking a term or even a full semester off if it gets too tough. maybe im just mentally weak, but i am quite literally haunted every day at the premise of the school year starting again. i still have eight weeks to go, but it doesn't matter. every night when i go to bed i think about how i am one step closer to returning to campus and most likely a depressive state. the dumbest part is that i'm not even struggling in school, in fact i'm quite excelling with a 3.5 gpa and getting straight a's my last term, which would make it very hard to convince my dumbass family (who, in case u were forgotten, responded with me coming out as trans to them with "you are not trans") that i need a real break from school for mental health reasons.

things are not helped my the fact that when im not in school and depressed, i'm on break doing nothing fun, being haunted by school returning, and slowly but surely becoming depressed. the past ~1.5 month since ive been on break has been fine but this week i have had thoughts of wanting to die and not wanting to wake up return to me for the first time in a while, and frankly, it sucks. probably stems from the fact that, like i mentioned before, i make terrible use of my free time. i have no hobbies outside of smogon at this point. i've been throwing myself into c&c / writing articles / creating resources / etc. but honestly its just because if im not doing anything im just gonna go lay on my bed in the dark and be sad. i even do, frankly, waste of time things like finding all time dou / rby player records from spl/snake/wcop or redoing the entirely of rbypl 1 usage stats, which people don't really care about, but i need to constantly keep myself busy or i know im going to go cry in my room. this 'strategy' of piling myself with smogon work has mostly kept me in check, but this past week has been so bad. its really hit me that ive spent my entire summer doing nothing fun or worthwhile, and instead been lying to myself that doing 6 qc checks in 2 days was a healthy way to spend ur time.

these past 1.5 months have really just been a huge facade -- i'm not happy, and smogon work was just a barrier i put up to distract me from the fact that i've been wasting all my free time doing nothing bc i don't know what makes me happy.

even now that i've realized i've been lying to myself, i don't know how to fix this problem. i cant remember the last time i was really happy. the closet thing i can remember is watching my friends play back to back tour sets in call, and i think thats a sign that i really deeply miss social interaction. my birthday is coming up in less than two weeks and i am not excited to turn 19 while sitting in my room all day getting zero birthday wishes because i don't have any irl friends. this is a pretty depressive picture to paint and the worst part is it probably becomes real soon.

sophmore year - senior year of high school pre covid was probably the peak of my life. hopefully i dont come off as flexing, but i was legitimately very popular and did very well in classes with minimal stress. i had fun at school every day since i could hang out with my friends, and i would even do things like winning back-to-back talent shows by making everyone laugh. i was really happy then. unfor, covid striked, school shut down, and all my closest friends outed themselves as bad human beings when they would kept staying maga shit like "covid isn't real, look at the numbers" and "black lives matter protests need to be shut down" and "if you don't want to be shot by the police don't resist". just absolutely terrible people that i had to eventually cut off. ever since, i've not been able to create a new group of friends, and i think thats the cause of my pain. im generally very outgoing but bc of covid ive been forced into a shell where i cant interact with other human beings. i remember in summers prior i used to go to summer camp and hang out with people all day or play sports and hang out with people all day, and this year i just dont have that option. i instead spend all my time on smogon/discord and while i do appreciate my friends, its just not the same.

this is of course without mentioning trans issue lol. very cool that i told my parents i was trans, they tried to "talk me out of it" basically, and like three or whatever months later they've completely forgotten. maybe i should have continued to press the issue, but i also expected my family to accept me for who i was. at this point it might be too late to ever come out until i graduate college which really fucking sucks. i thought about the other day how id never be able to have a coming out party which made me cry, and typing it out rn had made me tear up. then we get the consistent transphobia in smogon / irl which as u might be able to guess, is very much not fun. i could go on for hours about how being trans sucks so much, but ill just ask that u trust me on this one.

anyways tl;dr i suck, life sucks, feelings of wanting to die have come back for the first time in months, and its only going to get worse when school starts back up. i am hoping, praying, that i am able to manage this upcoming school year but probably for the first time in my life i am really doubting my ability to successfully complete the school year without exploding.

highs and lows are just all part of the game, but man do i not wanna be here rn lol

peace
 
Why the fuck do people care if I bash myself, especially those who have no reason to care? Barring it being annoying, I can't see any reason. People just don't understand what is moral and just for me and try spread their self righteousness "we can 'help' you" shit on me. They're going to make themselves the laughing stock of those who understand basic morality and justice and maybe make themselves the enemy of whatever alt-righter, Nazi, commie, government/corporate goon, etc. that'd want to purge me (When whoever's in charge or decides to snap does their mass genocide. People being people --- we love killing each other). I don't think they'd want that. And it seems a bizarre from a meta sense --- why waste your time on a whiny, entitled freak like me when there's others who need more help? This shit doesn't make any sense. As one of the worst people in history, why waste your time with me, especially if you have no reason to care? Anytime anyone tries to "help", it just generally pushes me to the opposite direction. Also, if I where to be "fixed", I'd just be an arrogant asshole instead. No inbetweens. As TVTropes might say,"Nice job breaking it 'hero'.".

I don't generally like the "euphoria" that comes from a "positive" mind.... it doesn't fit me. It doesn't feel right --- it feels wrong. It's like that it was how was meant not to be. I'm taking away happiness/"happiness" away from someone else who deserves it more. And smart people and extremists assfucks would say it's right (with the latter wanting to kill me.... and my whole family... but let's hope that never happens to them due to my crimes. :( ).... how can I argue with that? With smart people being the most correct people in the world and extremists strongarming things and always being "that person who sounds 'smart' and snide in the corner"... how would I ever have that chance? I'll answer for you: I don't. I was born wrong and deserve to suffer for it. Can it be annoying? Yeah. Do I've any right to complain about it (much as I sometimes do)? No, not at all. Will save me some face when I'm up against my executioner (assuming I just don't the job myself.). I'm just that bad.

In short, I'M A FUCKING AWFUL PERSON WHO DESERVES ALL THE SHIT I GET AND MORE AND SHOULD BE TORTURED AND KILLED FOR MY CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY. Maybe then the world can know some peace.

I've also pissed off a lot of people, burned several bridges, and been banned several times for acting the way I do. I might not always like it, but that's the price you pay for telling the truth about yourself. This train ain't stopping.
 
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King Feraligatr said:
Why the fuck do people care if I bash myself, especially those who have no reason to care? Barring it being annoying, I can't see any reason. People just don't understand what is moral and just for me and try spread their self righteousness "we can 'help' you" shit on me. They're going to make themselves the laughing stock of those who understand basic morality and justice and maybe make themselves the enemy of whatever alt-righter, Nazi, commie, government/corporate goon, etc. that'd want to purge me (When whoever's in charge or decides to snap does their mass genocide. People being people --- we love killing each other). I don't think they'd want that. And it seems a bizarre from a meta sense --- why waste your time on a whiny, entitled freak like me when there's others who need more help? This shit doesn't make any sense. As one of the worst people in history, why waste your time with me, especially if you have no reason to care? Anytime anyone tries to "help", it just generally pushes me to the opposite direction. Also, if I where to be "fixed", I'd just be an arrogant asshole instead. No inbetweens. As TVTropes might say,"Nice job breaking it 'hero'.".

I don't generally like the "euphoria" that comes from a "positive" mind.... it doesn't fit me. It doesn't feel right --- it feels wrong. It's like that it was how was meant not to be. I'm taking away happiness/"happiness" away from someone else who deserves it more. And smart people and extremists assfucks would say it's right (with the latter wanting to kill me.... and my whole family... but let's hope that never happens to them due to my crimes. :( ).... how can I argue with that? With smart people being the most correct people in the world and extremists strongarming things and always being "that person who sounds 'smart' and snide in the corner"... how would I ever have that chance? I'll answer for you: I don't. I was born wrong and deserve to suffer for it. Can it be annoying? Yeah. Do I've any right to complain about it (much as I sometimes do)? No, not at all. Will save me some face when I'm up against my executioner (assuming I just don't the job myself.). I'm just that bad.

In short, I'M A FUCKING AWFUL PERSON WHO DESERVES ALL THE SHIT I GET AND MORE AND SHOULD BE TORTURED AND KILLED FOR MY CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY. Maybe then the world can know some peace.

I've also pissed off a lot of people, burned several bridges, and been banned several times for acting the way I do. I might not always like it, but that's the price you pay for telling the truth about yourself. This train ain't stopping.
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Stfu and get some real help

Deep down you know what you're saying isn't true, the fact that you're posting itt is enough sign of that. Nobody deserves the torture you're describing and you know it. You're not responsible for your parents lol.
 
GatoDelFuego said:
Stfu and get some real help

Deep down you know what you're saying isn't true, the fact that you're posting itt is enough sign of that. Nobody deserves the torture you're describing and you know it. You're not responsible for your parents lol.
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I appreciate the first part of your response --- I tire of the "feel goody" responses that I usual get that have become so stereotypical. It's blunt, to the point, and doesn't fuck around. However, I must refute the rest of this. You don't know just how bad I am --- who are you to make moral calls like this? In addition, my mental health is not a priority right now (or usually). More important things to do. Like work on personal projects --- things that have way more worth than a personality-less ingrate like myself. Plus there's some pride to take in my own pain --- it's pain, but it's mine. I own it. It's me. I also don't want to be an arrogant jackass by getting helped (there's no nuance with me: it's either one thing or the other. In my case: depressed fuckwad or arrogant fucked. Nothing in between.... what would you rather have? I thought so. I chose for your benefit.). I'm also not used to "feel goody" nonsense about myself --- not going to force that into my life that much. Plus, I lack money. My fault for being a lazy, part time deadbeat. This part of me is here to stay for now, and there's not a thing you can do to stop me. Justice will be served.

Anyways, with that out of the way, there's something else I'd like to sort of talk about. Pain that I do not like. It's something that's been bothering me for years yet I cannot talk about it my family members and don't feel like talking about with therapists and most other people. Most people wouldn't think it bad, but I do. It's a total character betrayal if you ask me. Something I never signed up for. Sadly, it's just there to fester in my head, annoying and aggravating me until the end of times. It hurts, but the consequences of it becoming public would be so much worse. Like way worse. Back to having my parents and the like teasing me for something I fought to get them to stop bothering me about. Only a few people on the Internet know about it, but we still don't talk about it much --- it's just that bad to me. I don't think I'll ever find peace with it though since I cannot vent it to many and I just find it horrible to talk about. Stupid me, amIright? And no, I do not feel comfortable saying it here either (at least, not right now). If I don't feel comfortable sharing it with people who ostensibly it is their job to be private, why would I share it here?
 
Hello everyone daily dose of positivity. I know some people think that words aren’t always enough. I used to be that way myself. I went through a lot of stuff a lot of pain, cried some days , question why some things happen. It’s ok to not be ok at times. Always keep pushing. Depression is no joke it’s understandable if you are sad and have thoughts about giving up. I’m here to tell you don’t keep pushing you may be tired , feel like no one cares, and you are better of dead. Im telling you to remove those thoughts and tell yourself something you like about yourself, what accomplishments you done that make you feel good about yourself and what got you to the point where you are now. Everyone’s story has a purpose. When you defeat depression you have the opportunity to save someone else from the same thing. One person at a time we can change the stigma of depression and mental health in general. That’s all I have for you all today. Stay strong , As cliche as it sounds there is always light at the end of the tunnel.
 
I feel like I have to post something here, although I don't have depression myself, I did have problems throughout my life that need to be addressed.

1. I don't go outside ever.
This one has been with me throughout my life and it still is, I do have the strength to do normal activities, like make myself food, have showers, brush my teeth, etc. However, when it come to outdoor activities I can never have the strength to do so, sure i go outside in my backyard occasionally just to get a bit of sunlight, but when it comes to walking, going somewhere, or even just hanging out with friends it can be a real struggle to me, I only go outside when I actually need to go out and about like going to shops, school, etc, and speaking of the aforementioned "hanging out with friends".

2. Having lack of friends.
This kinda has two parts, 1. Is that having no friends is okay, and 2. is the other way around, the trouble I had with friends at school, is that they always gave me "unnecessary attention" and I really wouldn't consider them my friend friends, them giving me unnecessary attention made me feel at bit uncomfortable as well as making me think they were bullying me, this is why I only stick to other friends that won't do that, and can actually talk about topics I like, when I left school (because it wasn't for me) I left my school friends behind as well, it's been almost 9 months since i left school, and it's been the same time when i haven't talked to anyone from my school (except for a few) now when it came to friends outside of school, yeah had no luck with that either, this is where the 2 parts come in, because atm i have thoughts between the 2 whether having no friends is a sigh of relief because they won't bother me anymore, and another part of me is like "You need friends" i still keep having thoughts about this.

3. Asperger syndrome
This is a personal one of mine and haven't really told anyone about this ever because for me i didn't know about this until this year, because this year my mum has been planning me to go and see a psychologist, before this I have been seeing a different psychologist, however this one was different as what I say to them don't get said back to my mum and is kept a secret (I'm still not sure about that) anyways, during the first, or second session we had my Psychologist told me that i had something about autism, when i first heard this i was pretty shocked, and then my psychologist proceed to ask be if I've been told i have it, i obviously respond with "no", the same day, i went home did a bit of research on it and then i was like "damn, I guess I do have it" now i don't recall which one it was but i do believe it was asperger syndrome as none of the other austim syndromes fitted me as a person, i still haven't told my mum about this and i honestly should one day, but then again i didn't know about this until this year, so i'm still not sure.

4. My smogon account.
This isn't really a problem but something i want to mention, I've only recently started getting back into the competitive pokemon scene and yeah I do miss it, however I don't miss what I did before I returned, some few people will probably recall me in 2017-18, back then I wasn't the brightest person as I said some downright stupid things that I wish I didn't say before returning here, although there were some good things, most of it were not really thoughtful of me, you can go back now on my profile and check it for yourself, returning as a different person overall, I just regret it and i feel like an idiot, i wanted to make a new account and start over but you all know how that goes, so basically i'm stuck here with this account, and although you can't change the past, you can always improve the future, that's what I'm gonna be striving for at the moment.

That's basically all the problems I have right now, i know it isn't a lot and and i know it's not really about depression, but like i said i wanted to address things that have been a problem with me, i'm not suicidal or anything like that and i think that my life right now it alright, It's just those main things that bother me personally and maybe can be helped upon.


Thank you for reading. -and thanks for coming to my TED talk
 
DKM said:
I can't sleep, I hate myself, I want to end this, I want to end the pain, I want to kill myself but I know it won't fix the problem. Why do I have to struggle so much to fix it? What's so precious about life that I can't opt out of this painful existence? I'll never be happy. I'm completely worthless.

I'm sorry I need to get this off my chest. It's nearly 2am and my mind won't be quiet.
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The feeling is terrible and I can't say I am in your shoes to dare say something out of the line, but know that we just want the pain to go away - we sometimes confuse it with the urge of wanting to end a life.
 
DKM said:
I can't sleep, I hate myself, I want to end this, I want to end the pain, I want to kill myself but I know it won't fix the problem. Why do I have to struggle so much to fix it? What's so precious about life that I can't opt out of this painful existence? I'll never be happy. I'm completely worthless.

I'm sorry I need to get this off my chest. It's nearly 2am and my mind won't be quiet.
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The greatest battle is always within oneself. I don’t your entire story, but I will tell you this. Don’t let all the pain and negativity fool you into ending your life. Just as we feel bad things happen “unexpectedly” things can turn around just as quickly as well..learned this first hand. I was just so clouded in negativity I never seen the good. Took so much time and mental battles to change it just like yourself. The fact that you came here instead of just keeping it bottled shows me you still have fight in you don’t let the negative half get the best of you. Words can do only so much but I wish you the best. Remember your just in the drought, keep pushing through to reach your harvest. We all question ourselves on this thing called “life” it’s a hell of a ride..that’s all I got for you my friend best of luck don’t give up.
 
Hey, I thought that having a few performances here would have made me feel better but it's not the case, it's the support of people that really brings. I just want to give a message of encouragement to everyone who has posted here. If you are still alive and struggling with depression or other illnesses. You are strong people who deserve to be valued. Take care of yourself, accept the failures and enjoy the small successes. I promise you that this is the way to feel better about yourself and your life. DKM message particularly touched me, I had similar feelings to yours years ago. Don't give up, I know you've been struggling for a long time but the best will come later believe me, no matter what your past or what you've done before, you have to put that aside and move on. You will evolve every day during your life, learn from your mistakes, and become a better person and in time you will begin to accept, enjoy your own company. Surround yourself with people who mean well and always be honest with yourself, stay strong.

We all have the same fight in this world, it is to accept and love the person that we are.
 
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Sending positive energy your way everyone. Keep fighting back the negative thoughts in your mind. Remember you aren’t a burden to anyone. If you feel you need help don’t be afraid ask. Don’t stay silent let your voice be heard. Everyone has a purpose. :) great day everyone stay blessed.
 
About constant rejects, failures, and self doubts:

I don't know what I should type or how to explain it but my recent stage got from bad to worse. The constant rejects i suffer during my life, the bullying, the thoughts of not being valued, appreciated and worthy to any one just eats me up entirely inside.

I got bullied in school since the very first class because I wasn't like them, I didn't wear clothes from bands, as we've never had the money for such things, I never was as pretty & beautiful as the other girls are, and I was never that successful in classes -- except my last graduation in which I was good at -- it just went on for ages, like my time in childhood was based around having no friends, no one to talk to, but getting bullied.

I got constantly rejected, I was never good enough for anything, I am always considered not capable of doing stuff. I got rejected in jobs and job applications, even my first boyfriend I had - my first love of my life - cheated on me with another girl, a pretty girl, a beautiful one. Much more beautiful than I ever could be.

My second relationship als ended in a desaster, in a very bad way. Due to a situation - a very terrible one - we didn't talk about it, we didn't know how to handle it resulting into that we just broke up with a lot of pain, emotional pain. There was a happening which just cursed the rest of our relationship, and I am responsible for that, I failed here once again.

The failures in general eat me up, I cannot ever do anything right or correct. My passion which I have for IRL stuff and such died, as I am not good enough for anything. I quit a lot of hobbies which I had, photographing, and many more things, instead I fell into a hefty drug addiction.

Constant traumatizing experiences with the physical and emotional stuff caused also that I have a bad bad trauma in my brain, which leads to that I have to take 10 pills - 5 in the morning and the other 5 in the evening - to stay alive. When I don't take them its potentially life threatening and dangerous and without therapy (I have therapy right now) I would also be threatened. My brain capacity has decreased alot and my long-term memory is pretty much gone and even the shortterm memory oftentimes won't work.

I started to self harm myself again today, since I didnt see any other options to relieve myself from all the emotional stress & pain. I just wanted to have the pain deep inside me gone, gone forever, but instead i just feel dead inside and empty, not capable of doing anything, I just don't wanna do anything anymore. Sometimes I even think about suicide, as I don't know if anything which I am doing will lead to a (good) result. I just don't feel worthful, valued, and appreciated, I mean how should I know when nobody comes up to you and says 1 positive word. Therefore I just dive deeper and deeper into the bad thoughts. I'd wish nobody else has to go through that, it hurts to see people which are young, have their entire life, so many opportunities, going through the same which I do.

Please everyone take good care of yourselves. Not that cheering today, as I'm crying the entire day and my mood isn't the best. Sorry about that I am really sorry, but please consider that you have always friends on this website. Please stay strong!
 
Katy said:
About constant rejects, failures, and self doubts:

I don't know what I should type or how to explain it but my recent stage got from bad to worse. The constant rejects i suffer during my life, the bullying, the thoughts of not being valued, appreciated and worthy to any one just eats me up entirely inside.

I got bullied in school since the very first class because I wasn't like them, I didn't wear clothes from bands, as we've never had the money for such things, I never was as pretty & beautiful as the other girls are, and I was never that successful in classes -- except my last graduation in which I was good at -- it just went on for ages, like my time in childhood was based around having no friends, no one to talk to, but getting bullied.

I got constantly rejected, I was never good enough for anything, I am always considered not capable of doing stuff. I got rejected in jobs and job applications, even my first boyfriend I had - my first love of my life - cheated on me with another girl, a pretty girl, a beautiful one. Much more beautiful than I ever could be.

My second relationship als ended in a desaster, in a very bad way. Due to a situation - a very terrible one - we didn't talk about it, we didn't know how to handle it resulting into that we just broke up with a lot of pain, emotional pain. There was a happening which just cursed the rest of our relationship, and I am responsible for that, I failed here once again.

The failures in general eat me up, I cannot ever do anything right or correct. My passion which I have for IRL stuff and such died, as I am not good enough for anything. I quit a lot of hobbies which I had, photographing, and many more things, instead I fell into a hefty drug addiction.

Constant traumatizing experiences with the physical and emotional stuff caused also that I have a bad bad trauma in my brain, which leads to that I have to take 10 pills - 5 in the morning and the other 5 in the evening - to stay alive. When I don't take them its potentially life threatening and dangerous and without therapy (I have therapy right now) I would also be threatened. My brain capacity has decreased alot and my long-term memory is pretty much gone and even the shortterm memory oftentimes won't work.

I started to self harm myself again today, since I didnt see any other options to relieve myself from all the emotional stress & pain. I just wanted to have the pain deep inside me gone, gone forever, but instead i just feel dead inside and empty, not capable of doing anything, I just don't wanna do anything anymore. Sometimes I even think about suicide, as I don't know if anything which I am doing will lead to a (good) result. I just don't feel worthful, valued, and appreciated, I mean how should I know when nobody comes up to you and says 1 positive word. Therefore I just dive deeper and deeper into the bad thoughts. I'd wish nobody else has to go through that, it hurts to see people which are young, have their entire life, so many opportunities, going through the same which I do.

Please everyone take good care of yourselves. Not that cheering today, as I'm crying the entire day and my mood isn't the best. Sorry about that I am really sorry, but please consider that you have always friends on this website. Please stay strong!
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I usually don’t read much this thread to not get depressed myself, but I end up seeing your post and I read it. You are one of the nicest persons I met there on Smogon and one of those who make me like this community, so it makes me sad to read this. I really wish I could help you, but unfortunately, I can only send words and I know that it will never be enough to solve your problems. Anyway, if I can at least make your day a bit better I’ll be happy.

I know that life is not very kind with those who are different especially when you are a child, as other children will reject you and bully you without realizing how deep the consequences are. However, you shouldn’t blame yourself for this, being different than the majority and not the greatest at socializing doesn’t mean that you are a worthless person. Everyone has their only qualities and flaws and it’s ok to be bad for certain things. Now, I think you shouldn’t focus on things you struggle to do, but rather on stuff you do well, and I know there are some. People here like you and respect you for who you are and what you have done, and even if yeah Smogon is just a website and not the real life, this still shows that you are capable of great things as you’ve earned this respect from others.

You’ve talked about a lot of failures and yeah sometimes it’s hard to live with these failures, as it makes you feel you can’t do anything well, but it’s ok to fail and you also shouldn’t blame yourself for that, because sometimes it’s not completely your fault, even when you feel that it is. Now, I’m sure you also had great successes in your life, and you will have some. So, even if it’s hard to forget these failures don’t think only about this and try to mitigate them with all the things you’ve managed to do. It’s not easy to see them when you feel bad, but life is full of opportunity and I’m sure you will be able to do wonderful things.

Regarding your brain trauma, I know that I can’t help you even with the kindest words on earth, but just stay strong and I’m sure you’ll be able to overcome this, I really hope you will.

Harming yourself may help you to feel better for a moment, but it’s probably something you will regret. Crying is ok and it often helps to feel better. Now, don’t think about suicide, because I’m sure that there’s still a lot of persons who love you and need you irl, and trust me you will feel bad sometimes, but you will also live wonderful moments, as life always have things to offer. You are still young Katy and I’m sure you will have plenty of opportunities in your life.

I didn’t plan to write that much, but I hope some of my words will help you feel better, it’s ok to feel depressed sometimes and to only think about bad things, it happens to a lot of us, and you don’t have to be sorry for this. Stay strong Katy, you will overcome this.

I’ve only answered to one person here, and I know a lot of persons are suffering and feeling disappointed by their own life. I just want you to know that every single person here is a wonderful person capable of the greatest things and yeah sometimes life sucks, but you shouldn’t stay focused on these bad moments, as the sun will shine for you eventually. I really liked Rubyblood last sentence on their post, and I wish you all to manage to accept and love the person that you are.
 
Katy said:
I got bullied in school since the very first class because I wasn't like them, I didn't wear clothes from bands, as we've never had the money for such things, I never was as pretty & beautiful as the other girls are, and I was never that successful in classes -- except my last graduation in which I was good at -- it just went on for ages, like my time in childhood was based around having no friends, no one to talk to, but getting bullied.
Click to expand...

Honestly, this says more about these people than it says about you.
This hits way closer to home than I'm willing to admit.
It's not your fault that you ended up surrounded by awful people.
Katy said:
I got constantly rejected, I was never good enough for anything, I am always considered not capable of doing stuff. I got rejected in jobs and job applications, even my first boyfriend I had - my first love of my life - cheated on me with another girl, a pretty girl, a beautiful one. Much more beautiful than I ever could be.
Click to expand...

This case is similar to the one mentioned above.
If he's not faithful, then he's just a bad person, unworthy of your feelings, time, and efforts.
It's not your fault that he's that way. You're better off without him, as he would've gradually made you feel even worse in the long run.
You didn't do anything wrong. Au contraire, cutting his toxic posterior out of your life was the right choice to make in this situation.
All the more power to you.
Katy said:
My second relationship als ended in a desaster, in a very bad way. Due to a situation - a very terrible one - we didn't talk about it, we didn't know how to handle it resulting into that we just broke up with a lot of pain, emotional pain. There was a happening which just cursed the rest of our relationship, and I am responsible for that, I failed here once again.
Click to expand...

Maintaining a relationship is a mentally taxing task. Being in a relationship means finding a healthy middle ground where the needs and expectations of both partners meet. Since a relationship can be a fickle matter that requires a lot of patience and communication, it can also become a ground for miscommunication and tension, even though the partners don't mean too. It's only human to make mistakes. We say things in the heat of the moment or do things and we regret them immediately afterwards. As long as you learn from your mistakes to help you avoid them from happening again in the future, it does not determine your value as a person. The fact that you can acknowledge your mistake clearly shows that, deep down, you're actually a strong person that knows the right thing to do. It's a display of genuine character. "Einsicht ist der erste Weg zur Besserung", as they say in your mother tongue.

Maybe you're currently just not ready yet. I, personally, believe that you should take your time to focus on finding ways of loving yourself first and, once the time is right, then the right people will love you for who you are as well. It's not unsusual for the first couple of relationships to fail and you're also still young. Sometimes you meet people when you least except them. "Wer wartet mit Besonnenheit, der wird belohnt zur rechten Zeit."
Katy said:
The failures in general eat me up, I cannot ever do anything right or correct. My passion which I have for IRL stuff and such died, as I am not good enough for anything. I quit a lot of hobbies which I had, photographing, and many more things, instead I fell into a hefty drug addiction.
Click to expand...

Art is a powerful emotional outlet. You should definitely pick up your hobbies again in the future, in conjunction with the therapy that you mentioned down below. Art can help you express yourself whenever words alone are insufficient. It's definitely a healthier coping strategy.
Why not share your artistic endeavors in the Smeargle Studio and potentially on an own blog? Maybe you can meet other hobby photographers and exchance techniques? I used to participate in art therapy, actually. Unlike the case of school classes in which you are thrown into a random group of people you are forced to coexist with, groups like this allow you to actually seek out people that share similar interests with you. Usually, these groups give a sense of belonging that I think would do you some good. Why not give it a try?
Katy said:
Please everyone take good care of yourselves. Not that cheering today, as I'm crying the entire day and my mood isn't the best. Sorry about that I am really sorry, but please consider that you have always friends on this website. Please stay strong!
Click to expand...

"Please everyone take good care of yourselves." The "everyone" here includes you as well.
In that sense: "please consider that you have always friends on this website. Please stay strong!"
At the end of the day, you can create your own self-worth by being a good person to others.
So, basically, keep doing what you're already doing.

"I am more concerned about being a good person than the best player in the world. I hope that when I retire, people remember me as a good guy."

- Lionel Messi
 
Katy said:
About constant rejects, failures, and self doubts:

I don't know what I should type or how to explain it but my recent stage got from bad to worse. The constant rejects i suffer during my life, the bullying, the thoughts of not being valued, appreciated and worthy to any one just eats me up entirely inside.

I got bullied in school since the very first class because I wasn't like them, I didn't wear clothes from bands, as we've never had the money for such things, I never was as pretty & beautiful as the other girls are, and I was never that successful in classes -- except my last graduation in which I was good at -- it just went on for ages, like my time in childhood was based around having no friends, no one to talk to, but getting bullied.

I got constantly rejected, I was never good enough for anything, I am always considered not capable of doing stuff. I got rejected in jobs and job applications, even my first boyfriend I had - my first love of my life - cheated on me with another girl, a pretty girl, a beautiful one. Much more beautiful than I ever could be.

My second relationship als ended in a desaster, in a very bad way. Due to a situation - a very terrible one - we didn't talk about it, we didn't know how to handle it resulting into that we just broke up with a lot of pain, emotional pain. There was a happening which just cursed the rest of our relationship, and I am responsible for that, I failed here once again.

The failures in general eat me up, I cannot ever do anything right or correct. My passion which I have for IRL stuff and such died, as I am not good enough for anything. I quit a lot of hobbies which I had, photographing, and many more things, instead I fell into a hefty drug addiction.

Constant traumatizing experiences with the physical and emotional stuff caused also that I have a bad bad trauma in my brain, which leads to that I have to take 10 pills - 5 in the morning and the other 5 in the evening - to stay alive. When I don't take them its potentially life threatening and dangerous and without therapy (I have therapy right now) I would also be threatened. My brain capacity has decreased alot and my long-term memory is pretty much gone and even the shortterm memory oftentimes won't work.

I started to self harm myself again today, since I didnt see any other options to relieve myself from all the emotional stress & pain. I just wanted to have the pain deep inside me gone, gone forever, but instead i just feel dead inside and empty, not capable of doing anything, I just don't wanna do anything anymore. Sometimes I even think about suicide, as I don't know if anything which I am doing will lead to a (good) result. I just don't feel worthful, valued, and appreciated, I mean how should I know when nobody comes up to you and says 1 positive word. Therefore I just dive deeper and deeper into the bad thoughts. I'd wish nobody else has to go through that, it hurts to see people which are young, have their entire life, so many opportunities, going through the same which I do.

Please everyone take good care of yourselves. Not that cheering today, as I'm crying the entire day and my mood isn't the best. Sorry about that I am really sorry, but please consider that you have always friends on this website. Please stay strong!
Click to expand...
This hit home ..I can relate to almost all of this. When I told friends my story they thought how someone so goofy and happy on the outside be so down on the inside? I told them you never really know someone’s story just from the outside. Truth is the some of the “kind” people are the ones that hurt the most. We try to be the nicest we can because we don’t want anyone to feel worthless, we want people to see the fun and value of life. Katy I’m sorry to hear please don’t hurt yourself. You are one of the best friends I have on ps. Stay strong and I know you will because you are a goat and you will overcome this obstacle.

“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that. - Robin Williams
 
Last edited:
ironwater said:
I usually don’t read much this thread to not get depressed myself, but I end up seeing your post and I read it. You are one of the nicest persons I met there on Smogon and one of those who make me like this community, so it makes me sad to read this. I really wish I could help you, but unfortunately, I can only send words and I know that it will never be enough to solve your problems. Anyway, if I can at least make your day a bit better I’ll be happy.

I know that life is not very kind with those who are different especially when you are a child, as other children will reject you and bully you without realizing how deep the consequences are. However, you shouldn’t blame yourself for this, being different than the majority and not the greatest at socializing doesn’t mean that you are a worthless person. Everyone has their only qualities and flaws and it’s ok to be bad for certain things. Now, I think you shouldn’t focus on things you struggle to do, but rather on stuff you do well, and I know there are some. People here like you and respect you for who you are and what you have done, and even if yeah Smogon is just a website and not the real life, this still shows that you are capable of great things as you’ve earned this respect from others.

You’ve talked about a lot of failures and yeah sometimes it’s hard to live with these failures, as it makes you feel you can’t do anything well, but it’s ok to fail and you also shouldn’t blame yourself for that, because sometimes it’s not completely your fault, even when you feel that it is. Now, I’m sure you also had great successes in your life, and you will have some. So, even if it’s hard to forget these failures don’t think only about this and try to mitigate them with all the things you’ve managed to do. It’s not easy to see them when you feel bad, but life is full of opportunity and I’m sure you will be able to do wonderful things.

Regarding your brain trauma, I know that I can’t help you even with the kindest words on earth, but just stay strong and I’m sure you’ll be able to overcome this, I really hope you will.

Harming yourself may help you to feel better for a moment, but it’s probably something you will regret. Crying is ok and it often helps to feel better. Now, don’t think about suicide, because I’m sure that there’s still a lot of persons who love you and need you irl, and trust me you will feel bad sometimes, but you will also live wonderful moments, as life always have things to offer. You are still young Katy and I’m sure you will have plenty of opportunities in your life.

I didn’t plan to write that much, but I hope some of my words will help you feel better, it’s ok to feel depressed sometimes and to only think about bad things, it happens to a lot of us, and you don’t have to be sorry for this. Stay strong Katy, you will overcome this.

I’ve only answered to one person here, and I know a lot of persons are suffering and feeling disappointed by their own life. I just want you to know that every single person here is a wonderful person capable of the greatest things and yeah sometimes life sucks, but you shouldn’t stay focused on these bad moments, as the sun will shine for you eventually. I really liked Rubyblood last sentence on their post, and I wish you all to manage to accept and love the person that you are.
Click to expand...
Max. Optimizer said:
Honestly, this says more about these people than it says about you.
This hits way closer to home than I'm willing to admit.
It's not your fault that you ended up surrounded by awful people.


This case is similar to the one mentioned above.
If he's not faithful, then he's just a bad person, unworthy of your feelings, time, and efforts.
It's not your fault that he's that way. You're better off without him, as he would've gradually made you feel even worse in the long run.
You didn't do anything wrong. Au contraire, cutting his toxic posterior out of your life was the right choice to make in this situation.
All the more power to you.


Maintaining a relationship is a mentally taxing task. Being in a relationship means finding a healthy middle ground where the needs and expectations of both partners meet. Since a relationship can be a fickle matter that requires a lot of patience and communication, it can also become a ground for miscommunication and tension, even though the partners don't mean too. It's only human to make mistakes. We say things in the heat of the moment or do things and we regret them immediately afterwards. As long as you learn from your mistakes to help you avoid them from happening again in the future, it does not determine your value as a person. The fact that you can acknowledge your mistake clearly shows that, deep down, you're actually a strong person that knows the right thing to do. It's a display of genuine character. "Einsicht ist der erste Weg zur Besserung", as they say in your mother tongue.

Maybe you're currently just not ready yet. I, personally, believe that you should take your time to focus on finding ways of loving yourself first and, once the time is right, then the right people will love you for who you are as well. It's not unsusual for the first couple of relationships to fail and you're also still young. Sometimes you meet people when you least except them. "Wer wartet mit Besonnenheit, der wird belohnt zur rechten Zeit."


Art is a powerful emotional outlet. You should definitely pick up your hobbies again in the future, in conjunction with the therapy that you mentioned down below. Art can help you express yourself whenever words alone are insufficient. It's definitely a healthier coping strategy.
Why not share your artistic endeavors in the Smeargle Studio and potentially on an own blog? Maybe you can meet other hobby photographers and exchance techniques? I used to participate in art therapy, actually. Unlike the case of school classes in which you are thrown into a random group of people you are forced to coexist with, groups like this allow you to actually seek out people that share similar interests with you. Usually, these groups give a sense of belonging that I think would do you some good. Why not give it a try?


"Please everyone take good care of yourselves." The "everyone" here includes you as well.
In that sense: "please consider that you have always friends on this website. Please stay strong!"
At the end of the day, you can create your own self-worth by being a good person to others.
So, basically, keep doing what you're already doing.

"I am more concerned about being a good person than the best player in the world. I hope that when I retire, people remember me as a good guy."

- Lionel Messi
Click to expand...
Typhlosion4 said:
This hit home ..I can relate to almost all of this. When I told friends my story they thought how someone so goofy and happy on the outside be so down on the inside? I told them you never really know someone’s story just from the outside. Truth is the some of the “kind” people are the ones that hurt the most. We try to be the nicest we can because we don’t want anyone to feel worthless, we want people to see the fun and value of life. Katy I’m sorry to hear please don’t hurt yourself. You are one of the best friends I have on ps. Stay strong and I know you will because you are a goat and you will overcome this obstacle.

“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that. - Robin Williams
Click to expand...


Thank you guys for all the amazing words. I just hope everyone can be happy one day, I just want everyone to be happy with themselves and their achievments. I hope we can encourage each other. Everyone here deserves happieness in their life, you guys, everyone who reads this and like I hope we can achieve happieness all over the world.

I dont want that anyone feels excluded here, so I want to properly reach out to anyone else here in this thread or outside this thread (because I know posting such things can be tough and not everyone posts whats on their mind) feels worthless, but everyone is appreciated, welcomed, I welcome everyone with open arms into this community, and I hope we can stick together instead of bashing each other to the ground. Let's try to focus on a better world and make it easier for each other, Life is already tough enough with so many problems in this world, where covid is only a part of it, there is so much more going on in each parts of the world. Please try to be supportive to everyone who struggles and even a smile can make someone elses day brighter, I know smiling is tough when we have to wear masks but the gesture and the will is what counts and the person will feel that!

Lets try and focus on bettering the world, lets be true to ourselves and lets be kind hearted to others. because that is the best we can do! lets cheer each other up instead of tearing each other down! Everyone here in my eyes has such a high value and brings different talents and postive values on a table. I just hope everyone here realizes how kind-hearted they are, I appreciate every one in here.
 
i'm just a little sad cause i miss my cat and i wish she'd come back to me. i don't think i've ever believed in god or reincarnation or anything like that but please i just want her back i need her with me again i just feel so empty i'll believe in anything just let me hug her again
 
Catalisador said:
i'm just a little sad cause i miss my cat and i wish she'd come back to me. i don't think i've ever believed in god or reincarnation or anything like that but please i just want her back i need her with me again i just feel so empty i'll believe in anything just let me hug her again
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Hey Catalisador,

i know the loss of a pet can be very painful and emotional, and I know how you feel, I just hope you will find a way to deal with it a little bit better. Try to distract yourself with things you like. I know you from the NU community and you are a very active member, perhaps talking with us in the NU room can help you. Like topics around the Nu pokemon. Or - if you have any hobbies - try to help yourself out if you just do them right now. A distraction can oftentimes help a lot, when the pain becomes too much. There are also plenty of good youtube videos, like documentaries, they oftentimes help me to get distracted from my pain, perhaps it is worth a try.

I just hope you can overcome that loss and the pain will decrease from day to day. Give yourself the time you need to recover from that situation, wounds will heal with the time passing by. And I have always an open ear for you Cata, you know where you can find me. I am on discord, the NU discord and in the NU room, if you ever need someone to talk to, just reach out to me, I am here for you!
 
Someone I got along with told me to politely take a hike for some time for being too picky and pedantic. Not going to say I took that well, though --- basically told them to leave me alone until I'm "good enough" and they apologize. Really feels like a "betrayal" of sorts because I helped this person with things and was helping them with another (they also helped me some things as well), but yeah. They won't get that help again until they own up.

I'm a really salty and petty individual, aren't I?
 
King Feraligatr said:
Someone I got along with told me to politely take a hike for some time for being too picky and pedantic. Not going to say I took that well, though --- basically told them to leave me alone until I'm "good enough" and they apologize. Really feels like a "betrayal" of sorts because I helped this person with things and was helping them with another (they also helped me some things as well), but yeah. They won't get that help again until they own up.

I'm a really salty and petty individual, aren't I?
Click to expand...
I don’t think you are no. I think you guys are just like having a disagreement. To be fair a idk (assuming it was a temporary disagreement) what it was about but a real friend won’t always agree but a real one will also respect your opinion. If you guys helped each other and you feel it’s a temporary you guys will come back around. Don’t beat yourself up about it if you need breathing room thats perfectly fine. As humans it’s natural to disagree it’s in a our nature as we are all different. However true friends respect their differences. I hope I helped bro good luck.
 
Typhlosion4 said:
I don’t think you are no. I think you guys are just like having a disagreement. To be fair a idk (assuming it was a temporary disagreement) what it was about but a real friend won’t always agree but a real one will also respect your opinion. If you guys helped each other and you feel it’s a temporary you guys will come back around. Don’t beat yourself up about it if you need breathing room thats perfectly fine. As humans it’s natural to disagree it’s in a our nature as we are all different. However true friends respect their differences. I hope I helped bro good luck.
Click to expand...
I hate not "getting" people.... autism sucks.
 
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