Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread

im coming up on the 5 year, i dont like to call it something like an "anniversary" cus that suggests positivity, but the 5 year of my dads passing (Guess Memorial is the better word). He died 2 months to the day of his 66th bday, far too young 12/9/19 *2 months later* 2/9/20
The one saving grace was I'm glad he missed Covid, i dont think I couldve been restricted from him then even tho it was hard for me emotionally to see him then (as he was sick).

NOW I say that and it seems heavy handed, but oddly recently my energy in life (outside dealing with what we all have to on occassion) has allowed me not just personal, but mental, and life peace so im onto that and looking at it as maybe that's my dads gift to me pushing 5 years later.
i still cant believe that. it cant have been that long, life & time really has no concern for a soul, it just ticks on.

lil side remark my sister put on Jelly Roll's song "Still My Hero" earlier (which is essentially about passed loved ones/dads) and i was like "I think my game needs me, cus i didnt have emotion on my docket at this exact second" lol
 
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Hey guys, I’ve felt down in the dumps lately. After I broke up with my abusive ex, my social life was in tatters and I missed her. I had been doordashing instead of getting a real job, so I was pretty broke. Then, I got a job working at an inner-city school, and experienced the happiest few months of my life.

I went to work every day with a smile on my face. I’d started late, and they took weeks to get me into the system, so I was working 30-40 hours a week outside of class catching up on grading. I also wasn’t paid jack. Despite this, the students loved me and I was the first good teacher they’d had. I have a Masters in math and a lot of teaching experience from teaching for a few years at a university part time.

Then, on November 7th, disaster struck:
I had been abusing hard drugs, in a large part because I was working all night and low on energy, but also because I was depressed from having zero friends and I do have a substance problem. The hard drug of choice for me is coke, which I was getting for very low prices.

After parent teacher conferences, I went out with a few other teachers. I was trying to impress them, and drank way too much. I don’t drink very frequently, but I was drinking way too much when I do.

At the third bar we went to, I got jumped. I did not do anything to cause this, I was grabbed from behind and choked out. Then thrown on the ground and called a homophobic slur. I’m a little gay and looked it that night. I messaged friends and asked to stay at their place, but they all turned me down. I decided to drive home instead. I did that more than I should have, but not that drunk.

On the way home, one of the other teachers was pulled over. Out of concern, and drunken stupidity, I pulled over too to make sure he didn’t get hurt. Another cop car came and I was obviously arrested. They found my coke and weed.

I yelled a bunch of slurs at the cop and when we got to the hospital, I tried to lie on the ground and call for help. The officer said I bit him, which I stg I didn’t.

I spent the next day in jail then my dad bailed me out. On Monday I was fired from my job after HR found out about the incident, potentially through the other teacher that was arrested.

He did not lose his job because he had just received a DUI.

Now, I feel very depressed. I am dreading working some dead end job that I will likely struggle to make friends with, and it’s humiliating to go from teaching to working a minimum wage tier job. I also am at an age where I want to start settling down and marrying, which is no longer a real possibility due to my financial class.

I’m currently on trial. I may lose my license, and in my city, there is no public transportation, so I will have to pay high fees to get an interlock in my car. I’m looking at a year and a half of probation.

I have mixed feelings about all this. I have gone one hundred percent clean since the incident. No more coke, weed, and alcohol at least. I still take Kratom which I’m praying won’t be on the drug test, and microdosing. But basically staying a more sober frame of mind.

I definitely feel like I deserved a punishment. But the worst thing I did to me was a DUI because I was more likely to hurt someone. And the other teacher was allowed to keep their job under the same circumstances minus the drugs. Even when I get this scrubbed off my record, it will be hard to get a teaching gig again.

And this isn’t really about the DUI but the coke. And the bullshit accusation I bit an officer. A cop in my city killed a pedestrian and got a fine.

And at the end of the day, I meant no harm. I just struggle with substance abuse, and instead of providing any help, I’m having the book thrown at me, and making my life harder. I’m glad I’m the most clean I’ve been in years, but being forced to work at McDonald’s or wtv I can find isn’t going to make it easier for me to stay that way. And if I breath wrong I get sent to jail.

And between being out of work, hospital fee from that night, lawyer fees, and everything else. I’m already in debt to my dad sm it’s gonna take ages before I earn enough that I’ll actually get to keep my money from my little paycheck

Please provide support or advice on the job search, or stories about overcoming other circumstances. I can handle the sobriety in a vaccuum, I have a lot of self control and won’t relapse.

I realized i had to break up with my abusive ex bc at the end, when I quit smoking, she was impatient and screaming at me constantly. And all I asked was that she have some patience and grace with me. I never complained once despite feeling in constant pain.

I’ll tryto respond to some of your guys’ later, so I can contribute because before this, I’d really improved my mental health. Starting from ground zero again is hard.
 
So i spoke to being in a bit better space mentality wise (obv last post was about missing Pops, we all human in that regard but outside that) ive been enjoying a pretty level headed, relaxing, life allowing peace realm for last couple months (outside missing pops whos bday was 12/9 and he passed 2/9/2020) idk what exactly poked my demon: "the truth" - i dont look at my demon as more than reality (and yes edited the post (confused..unflushed? feels? took over prior lol) however:
Sometimes "trees" need burning down and sometimes you might need to be your own igniter to change things.
Sometimes life will slap ya upside the head just to see if you respond to see if you truly want/deserve that progress.


(late edit, i need to stop early morning posts, as typo more than i blink simply because im tired. lol)
 
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I feel like a disappointment and liability to everyone around me and I have no logical reason for that. It gives me so much anxiety that it makes my stomach act up really really bad. People can look at me with the utmost neutrality or even positivity, and it's like the logical part of my brain recognizes that, but the raw, natural part of it feels venom and resentment

I genuinely don't know why, there's nothing in my life that triggered it, my medication didn't change, it just kinda happened from one day to the next. For the first time in my life, I feel uncomfortable going outside and being around people, I feel uncertain about contacting people that are close to me
 
I am quitting Smogon.

I do not think my presence is needed in this community, nor do I feel like it will ever matter to anyone, nor will my efforts to get to the top be meaningful to me or anyone else.
The Smogon Community has made me undeniably more miserable, suicidal, and unwanted than any other competitive community I've been a part of. All it seems to be is a popularity contest. It doesn't matter about your passion to change the meta, make friends, be the best at something, think outside the box, come up with alternative ways to play the game, agree with a previous meta established before the current, or want to help a meta become more diverse; if you're not good at something, you have no opinion.

I've had good friends. Celdanami, ZPanther, Incognition, and udm were some of the nicest people I've met here, but even still, I feel like I can't continue on in a community where the majority of interactions make me fear for being seen as lesser, or bullied and gaslit into thinking I'm just not good.
I know how to play these games. I know the metas, and I understand why things are the way they are, even when I disagree with the asinine way of how a council executes them. I've been consistently Top 300 in RBY and Top 200 in GSC for only a few months after picking them up, advanced in their respective tours while handling my own against respectable well-known players, made it ranked to ADV and DPP, and I've become very proficient at teambuilding since I've started.
It truly feels like everything I've ever done was a detrimental mark on how people view me, and just isolated me more. I literally believe some of you people think I should kill myself, especially those in Mushi League.
I'm going back to VGC. I was able to meet real people, have fun convos irl at tournaments, bant about the meta and toss around ideas and never really get attacked for it, nor was I told to "play more" for my takes or conform to the current meta unless opinion sways like it does every once and a while among every tier. The Pokemon Company is the ultimate deciding point on what is acceptable in its games, and TPC would never allow for things to be run or decided like it has been in this community. This community has made my favorite generations of Pokemon a mess of very specific, hiveminded ideas of what a meta should look like, ESPECIALLY Gen 4, all while not having an objective standard to base such a meta off of, and actively ruined my enjoyment of the game due to behavior from others and from a constant dogpiling whenever there is a difference in perspective between myself and someone else.

I geniunely wish the worst for Smogon and for Showdown. I hope Nintendo takes Showdown down, and I hope they make it as hard as possible to make a cesspool like Smogon ever be able to thrive again.
 
Josh Fleszar said:
I am quitting Smogon.

I do not think my presence is needed in this community, nor do I feel like it will ever matter to anyone, nor will my efforts to get to the top be meaningful to me or anyone else.
The Smogon Community has made me undeniably more miserable, suicidal, and unwanted than any other competitive community I've been a part of. All it seems to be is a popularity contest. It doesn't matter about your passion to change the meta, make friends, be the best at something, think outside the box, come up with alternative ways to play the game, agree with a previous meta established before the current, or want to help a meta become more diverse; if you're not good at something, you have no opinion.

I've had good friends. Celdanami, ZPanther, Incognition, and udm were some of the nicest people I've met here, but even still, I feel like I can't continue on in a community where the majority of interactions make me fear for being seen as lesser, or bullied and gaslit into thinking I'm just not good.
I know how to play these games. I know the metas, and I understand why things are the way they are, even when I disagree with the asinine way of how a council executes them. I've been consistently Top 300 in RBY and Top 200 in GSC for only a few months after picking them up, advanced in their respective tours while handling my own against respectable well-known players, made it ranked to ADV and DPP, and I've become very proficient at teambuilding since I've started.
It truly feels like everything I've ever done was a detrimental mark on how people view me, and just isolated me more. I literally believe some of you people think I should kill myself, especially those in Mushi League.
I'm going back to VGC. I was able to meet real people, have fun convos irl at tournaments, bant about the meta and toss around ideas and never really get attacked for it, nor was I told to "play more" for my takes or conform to the current meta unless opinion sways like it does every once and a while among every tier. The Pokemon Company is the ultimate deciding point on what is acceptable in its games, and TPC would never allow for things to be run or decided like it has been in this community. This community has made my favorite generations of Pokemon a mess of very specific, hiveminded ideas of what a meta should look like, ESPECIALLY Gen 4, all while not having an objective standard to base such a meta off of, and actively ruined my enjoyment of the game due to behavior from others and from a constant dogpiling whenever there is a difference in perspective between myself and someone else.

I geniunely wish the worst for Smogon and for Showdown. I hope Nintendo takes Showdown down, and I hope they make it as hard as possible to make a cesspool like Smogon ever be able to thrive again.
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Well, I don't know you stranger, but I feel you are needed I myself know how you are exactly feeling, I myself have been very suicidal for around 2 years so the feeling itself knowing that another person is hating life, and hating the things we do is somewhat sad, and reassuring, in my case, we aren't alone we aren't the only one suffering, that doesn't atone for the suffering we go through does it? No, But it at least shows theres a bit of humanity in the world to reach out to others in times of desperation & calling. However I do suggest social isolation does exist, since I'm a partaker of it, so please, do talk to others, if your able it will help you a lot in this ideal for the suicidal thoughts. asfar as Smogon in itself I feel, isn't a more or less, unless you know the knowledge, you are useless, But Perhaps, it does open more doorways and such, there are still a lot of great forums non competitively related, and well, makes the fourm act like an actual form, which I do enjoy. I don't partake competitively on Smogon A lot, so I could be wrong. The feeling however is mutual If you still wish to quit Smogon I can indeed respect that, And Good luck wherever you fare. Take Care.
 
Josh Fleszar said:
I am quitting Smogon.

I do not think my presence is needed in this community, nor do I feel like it will ever matter to anyone, nor will my efforts to get to the top be meaningful to me or anyone else.
The Smogon Community has made me undeniably more miserable, suicidal, and unwanted than any other competitive community I've been a part of. All it seems to be is a popularity contest. It doesn't matter about your passion to change the meta, make friends, be the best at something, think outside the box, come up with alternative ways to play the game, agree with a previous meta established before the current, or want to help a meta become more diverse; if you're not good at something, you have no opinion.
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Just came across this post and wanted to chime in with some input of my own. Competitive gaming in any guise can create a false sense of purpose within a person that, without me diving too deep into what I believe in, I think is a very misleading lifestyle to live by. Long story short, if any competitive community, not just for video games either, is making you feel those things you mentioned, get as far away from the source of those feelings as you can, as fast as you can. Your value as an individual in real life, and your life in general is too important to be spent asking how you can constantly meet a social standard that’s impossible to fulfill. You won’t always be able to make everyone happy all of the time or perhaps be as “popular” or “reputable” in a competitive community as you would like, but that’s okay. Your own personal wellness and, well, real life, will always be more important.

Josh Fleszar said:
I geniunely wish the worst for Smogon and for Showdown. I hope Nintendo takes Showdown down, and I hope they make it as hard as possible to make a cesspool like Smogon ever be able to thrive again.
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I’m not going to ask you for respect’s sake what kinds of things you’ve heard from other people, but all I’m going to say here is shame on whoever’s been making you feel like this. Hateful comments and behaviors should be actively discouraged in a community like this. That being said, I also want to suggest that one part of Smogon doesn’t necessarily represent the entire user base, and that there will always be people here willing to talk to or listen to you if you’re going through difficult times. Whatever you decide to do, I have faith that you’ll be okay. You’ve got this. Just keep your head held high, okay?
 
So. I started a new job on Monday. That normally wouldn’t be enough for me to want to write a post or two about it, but the fact is that I made a discovery about my free time lately. Part of the reason I wanted to have my first “real job” alongside my embarrassing lack of hours at my part-time job was just so I could get out of the house more. As it turns out, I find that I’m actually less stressed out when I’m busy than when I do have free time, and looking back, that makes so much sense! I’ve been telling my family for years that I want to be able to enjoy my free time, but when I do get some of it after all my chores are done and I have all these choices of what to do, the lack of clarity around how much free time I exactly have is what gets me stressed out to begin with.

I like knowing how much free or busy time I will have so that way I can try and plan ahead and around, and as luck would have it, when I am busy, I feel comfortable because there’s generally a clear, structured path for me to follow. There’s an end goal, usually a pretty linear path on how to reach it, and I have a set amount of time to accomplish whatever the task might be. Maybe it’s my autism-OCD-ADHD triple crown doing the talking, but I just think it’s strange how that’s the most effective way I can find some of the organized structure and communication I’m looking for in my life. Whereas when I have free time, my brain wanders all over the place and I quickly start feeling like a computer with way too many tabs open. (We all know that one person who does that.)
 
It's crazy; and this will sound silly like "We should all know this" but still that isn't always true, I like Juggalo music doesn't mean I always wanna hear ICP.. but recently got back into my punk side and depending the mood i throw on different bands throughout my day (the ska and like skate/hardcore punk ones really been hitting lately --- but even in later night i've enjoyed some crossover thrash or even grindcore/death metal) and as odd as it sounds it's like my brain was like...

"hey remember you being the skater/jackass/etc kid and thats all where we learned it from?" and now years later been a peaceful zen (yes even the more extreme side haha - music is just my "peace blanket")

all that to say it's been one of those "Put it on; even if the day is annoying, and you'll be good homie" vibes. Punk has always served well lol


sidenote: my left wrist has really been a problem for months now and its def a mix of how i sleep/work (cant blame work, tend to use my left hand to hold my cover in my sleep - it gets worked over) -- i need to find some wrist yoga stuff to make sleep easier now too lol.

desperate question: is anyone else a side sleeper/half-belly sleeper with no idea what to do with either arm?
right shoulder hates mes, and left wrist would sacrifice me given a chance lol.
 
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Local Dog said:
It's been getting better. I am slowly figuring out where these feelings came from and that helps me

However, man I fucking hate these stomach issues. I've been having them since 15 and they're always there once I get stressed. Been to many doctors but it's psychosomatic

Getting into fitness and eating healthy improved them a lot but I still sometimes pass out on the toilet from the pain I feel
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yureion said:
It's crazy; and this will sound silly like "We should all know this" but still that isn't always true, I like Juggalo music doesn't mean I always wanna hear ICP.. but recently got back into my punk side and depending the mood i throw on different bands throughout my day (the ska and like skate/hardcore punk ones really been hitting lately --- but even in later night i've enjoyed some crossover thrash or even grindcore/death metal) and as odd as it sounds it's like my brain was like...

"hey remember you being the skater/jackass/etc kid and thats all where we learned it from?" and now years later been a peaceful zen (yes even the more extreme side haha - music is just my "peace blanket")

all that to say it's been one of those "Put it on; even if the day is annoying, and you'll be good homie" vibes. Punk has always served well lol


sidenote: my left wrist has really been a problem for months now and its def a mix of how i sleep/work (cant blame work, tend to use my left hand to hold my cover in my sleep - it gets worked over) -- i need to find some wrist yoga stuff to make sleep easier now too lol.

desperate question: is anyone else a side sleeper/half-belly sleeper with no idea what to do with either arm?
right shoulder hates mes, and left wrist would sacrifice me given a chance lol.
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I sleep on my stomach so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ normally just tuck my hands on each side that they rest in so I don't wake up with a cramp from hell from my hand being like 120 degrees lmao
 
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(TRIGGER WARNING) (I'm talking about my reasoning for not posting anything in here besides just off topic things, and still haven't posted my story, there are a few triggering moments.)












I






Well, I'm come to a sort of decision, I'd like to vent my story here, but I'm worried to do so, It's quite horrfic, and those that have heard it, often where speechless and didn't talk to me till the next day. And most of my sharing of it, was only so that I could get an answer to save my soul from this terrible lifestyle as well as vent, perhaps in the end it's not about getting an answer, I don't know what would come out with me sharing, The story is quite much to take in, and I myself having lived through it, have had a changed perspective, for better or for worse. I eventually vented it on Pokémon Showdown, to friends I had, which was, a terrible idea, but being left with no options I couldn't face that pain anymore alone. I eventually started just spamming that I wanted to take my life in THP in hopes someone would message me and help me, Of course they banned me, and that's the right thing to do in that scenario, the purpose of this message isn't to hate on THP or yet again really get an understanding why they did that. I know why they did that and it was justified I guess, but to overall give me a sense of what direction do I take this in. I ought to feel that they at least should try to help me. I don't know, it's a "happy place isn't it?" besides giving me a hotline link that is controlled by volunteered people, that also cannot help me. (I actually tried it at least 50 times.) Therapy is sadly out of the question. And I just keep falling further and further, I probably just say I want to kill myself these days, because it's a coping response and I have nothing else to face to an ideal of help, and
that in the end probably wouldn't just threaten others that I would if this continues, on and on, in other words, just threatening them to help me or I die, I don't know if I'm manipulative or not because of this, At this point you've broken at least 10 barriers of what the meaning of "Pain is"
And cannot realize how worse it can get till it furthers in.
If I feel discomfort after sending this, I'll probably delete it in the future. And No, I don't expect a answer back, not that because I think poorly of you, It's just a lot to take in by the end of the day, and I respect you if you, do, or don't reply.
But by the end of the day, I don't want people just replying because they feel bad for me, I will not take sympathy.
I really don't know anymore of this world, or it's ideals, or ideas, everything is hazy and quite unknown I do not know of myself, my friends or the intent of others.
Who knew Fiction could do this to you??
-DKG.
 
I was watching a vid earlier about the how mentality "Men don't cry" being BS from a sports realm broken down into a mental & societal breakdown (i'll link it, it was pretty damn good)


I say this to say as a younger soul I was always the one in tune with my emotions (which is funny cus its somewhat counter to this video, but ends up at the same goal and mental fortitude) and got given stuff cus I was (back then i was overweight) big kid, into art/music (albeit still good at sports but to shy/out of shape to try out for my school teams, i played organized elsewhere where school shitheads werent an issue) - but over years i felt my ability to be, stand strong in, understand others, and be there for emotion(ally) started being taken advantage of.
Talked about my years of the ex stuff/homeless awhile/fam burdens(/not to mention losing 140+lbs and knowing im above the fickle ridicule too) etc PLENTY here won't beat anyone over the head with it anymore - but after awhile it made me.... well.... quite fucking angry.

*and here is where my point lies* being able to be emotional is POWERFUL if you learn to channel it (as said video says - but if the only one you have mastered is "Anger" shows you're still emotionally immature, some take well into middle age to outgrow this; hell some never do -- video talks about it.)
I'll be the first to admit I lost my way for awhile and forgot how to be my "Sensitive but firm" man my grandpa & father esp taught me to be after years of hurt but coming back seeing that video felt like "Sometimes life just lobs ya things ya now ya needed to see"

My lady told me herself when we watched it earlier: "So you're telling me I just needed to make a youtube video about it with football references for you to get it?" (Anger is reserved for the world/goals blocked by it; never my lady & family lol) and i ofc apologized and thanked her for being so patient.
We shared a laugh with it before the "Okay cuddle time" zone lol.
 
just venting

Its been a really long while of me being here, Its weird cause every time I keep thinking to myself I havent made enough friends cause I am new, yet its really been 4 years since I got a blunder vid on my youtube feed. On one hand, I think the hours and hours I have spent here are not worth the effort, I dont feel appreciated as a person nor staff. On the other, its so hard to leave behind the few friends I have made here. If I could blame 2 people from keeping me locked here it would be Weaselfie and Mada. Yet there are so many people I cant really call close friends, but which I appreciate for them being part of it all. Everyone in Mexico has been nothing but kind to me, even when I acted so self centered when I first met them, they are very cool. Every regular in OU room... man, Idt they would call me their friend, but when I came back after an ~7-8 month break they would all say hi, ask how I had been and stuff, it was a really nice feeling.

I was dealing with a lot back when I left, yet I could have kept all my stuff and just say I would be gone for a bit, you know, make an effort. But the decision wasnt very hard, I really felt miserable here. Saying I wasnt appreciated is a way to put it, I doubt anyone knew nor cared how much I was doing not only position wise, but actively doing stuff. But I was just doing all that cause I enjoyed it. I enjoy making 100 rfaqs a day in OU room, I like being there all day lol, I liked yapping about changes in sets for the smogdex, I liked making sure that everything was running fine with forum projects, I wanted to help my friends in their tours. No one forced me nor did I ever feel forced to do any of those things. I felt useless at times sure, but the feeling wouldnt last long and I figured I was just doing stuff I liked.

I think what really annoyed and continues to annoy me is talking to a wall and then sometimes the wall turns into a person and asks me why I havent been talking to it. It really is disheartening. So many ideas, so many messages, so many times I asked others around me to do something, or for feedback, and so many times it ended in silence. Imagine my frustration when they brought it up again weeks or months later as if I hadnt been yapping about it. It sounds like such a dumb issue, and it is! But man, I really cared about all my stuff, and that happening literally every day was so hurtful. You dont have to search very deep to find examples, my CC gray badge itself is one.

I tried so hard to improve whatever place I ended up in. I am super shitty to work with, I am sure even the people who have had to deal with me the longest think that. But please do know that everything I try to do, even if its a completely bad idea, comes from a place of care. I guess I am still hurt I didnt really get other people asking how I was once I got back, but I supposed thats how it is I cant really ask them to do that. I can only ask you to please reach out to fellow friends and users if you think they might not be feeling their best.

Please do remember yourself that mental health will always be more important than whatever is going on in a Pokemon site. Try to be here to have fun!
 
SetsuSetsuna said:
just venting

Its been a really long while of me being here, Its weird cause every time I keep thinking to myself I havent made enough friends cause I am new, yet its really been 4 years since I got a blunder vid on my youtube feed. On one hand, I think the hours and hours I have spent here are not worth the effort, I dont feel appreciated as a person nor staff. On the other, its so hard to leave behind the few friends I have made here. If I could blame 2 people from keeping me locked here it would be Weaselfie and Mada. Yet there are so many people I cant really call close friends, but which I appreciate for them being part of it all. Everyone in Mexico has been nothing but kind to me, even when I acted so self centered when I first met them, they are very cool. Every regular in OU room... man, Idt they would call me their friend, but when I came back after an ~7-8 month break they would all say hi, ask how I had been and stuff, it was a really nice feeling.

I was dealing with a lot back when I left, yet I could have kept all my stuff and just say I would be gone for a bit, you know, make an effort. But the decision wasnt very hard, I really felt miserable here. Saying I wasnt appreciated is a way to put it, I doubt anyone knew nor cared how much I was doing not only position wise, but actively doing stuff. But I was just doing all that cause I enjoyed it. I enjoy making 100 rfaqs a day in OU room, I like being there all day lol, I liked yapping about changes in sets for the smogdex, I liked making sure that everything was running fine with forum projects, I wanted to help my friends in their tours. No one forced me nor did I ever feel forced to do any of those things. I felt useless at times sure, but the feeling wouldnt last long and I figured I was just doing stuff I liked.

I think what really annoyed and continues to annoy me is talking to a wall and then sometimes the wall turns into a person and asks me why I havent been talking to it. It really is disheartening. So many ideas, so many messages, so many times I asked others around me to do something, or for feedback, and so many times it ended in silence. Imagine my frustration when they brought it up again weeks or months later as if I hadnt been yapping about it. It sounds like such a dumb issue, and it is! But man, I really cared about all my stuff, and that happening literally every day was so hurtful. You dont have to search very deep to find examples, my CC gray badge itself is one.

I tried so hard to improve whatever place I ended up in. I am super shitty to work with, I am sure even the people who have had to deal with me the longest think that. But please do know that everything I try to do, even if its a completely bad idea, comes from a place of care. I guess I am still hurt I didnt really get other people asking how I was once I got back, but I supposed thats how it is I cant really ask them to do that. I can only ask you to please reach out to fellow friends and users if you think they might not be feeling their best.

Please do remember yourself that mental health will always be more important than whatever is going on in a Pokemon site. Try to be here to have fun!
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As another disaffected former staff and contributor, I can relate to a lot here. (Don't mind my non-grey badges, all of them besides SDC should realistically be gray.) The struggle of trying to go above and beyond to get stuff done when other people don't really care or respond, and still not being really appreciated or cared for at all, that definitely stings a bit haha.

You're not alone on the "not having made a ton of friends" front, for sure. A significant issue of my earlier tenure here is that I heavily overestimated the amount of friends I had made. There were a lot of people I was on good terms with, and talked with fine, and all that, but I was too trusting in other people and overestimated how close we were. An alarming number of my former "friends" got demoted and/or banned in disgrace, but the truth was, I wasn't close friends with 98% of them anyway, they were acquaintances I got along well with for a time.

Nowadays, I have about 5 true friends on the site, give or take. (If I went back and considered my entire 10+ year history, I'd maybe add a couple more past friends, and that's about it.) And I'm happy with my current situation, honestly. I've settled down from thinking I was everyone's friend, which was always unrealistic, to better understanding that I've build a deeper connection with a few people, which is more real and feels more real. I've stopped doing work in places where I felt unappreciated, and wound down to chatting in places where I naturally have fun doing that thing anyway. After putting so much more into PS/Smogon than I received, I realized this place wasn't going to be that big a part of my life, and that's okay.

The truth just is that, especially on the internet, most people we meet won't have a deep personal connection with us and deeply care about our fate, no matter how much good work we do. But that almost makes the deeper connections we do build more special anyway, doesn't it? And plus, just like you said, there's a ton of other people who are doing great stuff and who I think are neat, even if I can't call them close friends, and I appreciate them.
 
I have no real friends anymore, or maybe I never did. I have no family. I have no partner. I don't really enjoy doing anything anymore. My job is about as stress free as it could possibly be but it still takes about all the energy I have. With the uncertainty of federal jobs ATM I can't even count on that anymore. I do is go to work, go to the gym, and come home and scroll or play social games. My dream is that one day I could be socially attractive enough to have a social life or partner. I would do literally anything if it gave me a realistic chance of reaching that goal. But nothing I do ever works. I'm not suicidal but every day that goes by I am a little more miserable and a little less hopeful that I can ever get towards a life worth living.
 
M2H said:
I have no real friends anymore, or maybe I never did. I have no family. I have no partner. I don't really enjoy doing anything anymore. My job is about as stress free as it could possibly be but it still takes about all the energy I have. With the uncertainty of federal jobs ATM I can't even count on that anymore. I do is go to work, go to the gym, and come home and scroll or play social games. My dream is that one day I could be socially attractive enough to have a social life or partner. I would do literally anything if it gave me a realistic chance of reaching that goal. But nothing I do ever works. I'm not suicidal but every day that goes by I am a little more miserable and a little less hopeful that I can ever get towards a life worth living.
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Find a hobby you like or something else as a goal and make that the reason why you get up every day. (Something that isn't purely for entertainment is ideal since even if you aren't having fun you won't feel like you're wasting your life away) Friendships are something impossible to chase because if you do and a socially aware person senses that they'll go out of their way to abuse it. There isn't a single friendship I've maintained that isn't because of a shared interest and most of them can forgive the fact that your social skills are in the negatives as long as you don't come off as being rude.
 
SetsuSetsuna said:
just venting

Its been a really long while of me being here, Its weird cause every time I keep thinking to myself I havent made enough friends cause I am new, yet its really been 4 years since I got a blunder vid on my youtube feed. On one hand, I think the hours and hours I have spent here are not worth the effort, I dont feel appreciated as a person nor staff. On the other, its so hard to leave behind the few friends I have made here. If I could blame 2 people from keeping me locked here it would be Weaselfie and Mada. Yet there are so many people I cant really call close friends, but which I appreciate for them being part of it all. Everyone in Mexico has been nothing but kind to me, even when I acted so self centered when I first met them, they are very cool. Every regular in OU room... man, Idt they would call me their friend, but when I came back after an ~7-8 month break they would all say hi, ask how I had been and stuff, it was a really nice feeling.

I was dealing with a lot back when I left, yet I could have kept all my stuff and just say I would be gone for a bit, you know, make an effort. But the decision wasnt very hard, I really felt miserable here. Saying I wasnt appreciated is a way to put it, I doubt anyone knew nor cared how much I was doing not only position wise, but actively doing stuff. But I was just doing all that cause I enjoyed it. I enjoy making 100 rfaqs a day in OU room, I like being there all day lol, I liked yapping about changes in sets for the smogdex, I liked making sure that everything was running fine with forum projects, I wanted to help my friends in their tours. No one forced me nor did I ever feel forced to do any of those things. I felt useless at times sure, but the feeling wouldnt last long and I figured I was just doing stuff I liked.

I think what really annoyed and continues to annoy me is talking to a wall and then sometimes the wall turns into a person and asks me why I havent been talking to it. It really is disheartening. So many ideas, so many messages, so many times I asked others around me to do something, or for feedback, and so many times it ended in silence. Imagine my frustration when they brought it up again weeks or months later as if I hadnt been yapping about it. It sounds like such a dumb issue, and it is! But man, I really cared about all my stuff, and that happening literally every day was so hurtful. You dont have to search very deep to find examples, my CC gray badge itself is one.

I tried so hard to improve whatever place I ended up in. I am super shitty to work with, I am sure even the people who have had to deal with me the longest think that. But please do know that everything I try to do, even if its a completely bad idea, comes from a place of care. I guess I am still hurt I didnt really get other people asking how I was once I got back, but I supposed thats how it is I cant really ask them to do that. I can only ask you to please reach out to fellow friends and users if you think they might not be feeling their best.

Please do remember yourself that mental health will always be more important than whatever is going on in a Pokemon site. Try to be here to have fun!
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I know we don’t speak everyday but as I said before I genuinely appreciated your efforts (I said this many times before but let me reiterate) not only that as person I respect that you always put 110% into what you do and I have no doubts in my mind in real life you are a hard worker because you are ambitious. Please keep your head up. I’ve learned that the word “Friend” I have also used too lightly in real life as well. I found myself using the word acquaintance more often. I found the word “friend” should not be used lightly and that applies to here and all aspects of life. Keep it pushing Queen.
 
M2H said:
I have no real friends anymore, or maybe I never did. I have no family. I have no partner. I don't really enjoy doing anything anymore. My job is about as stress free as it could possibly be but it still takes about all the energy I have. With the uncertainty of federal jobs ATM I can't even count on that anymore. I do is go to work, go to the gym, and come home and scroll or play social games. My dream is that one day I could be socially attractive enough to have a social life or partner. I would do literally anything if it gave me a realistic chance of reaching that goal. But nothing I do ever works. I'm not suicidal but every day that goes by I am a little more miserable and a little less hopeful that I can ever get towards a life worth living.
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Hey I know you are probably in a phase of life where you feel that everything has come to a standstill. I too have felt this and at one point very lonely. I suggest trying something new, go somewhere and see a different scenery. One day I started talking positivity into myself even though at the moment I didn’t fully believe it. It’s ok to tell yourself “I want change” in the mirror ain’t nothing wrong with that. I have faith you’re find yourself and the pieces you are missing as life is a journey and we handle our challenges as we go. Please keep me updated on any changes and I wish you the absolute best!
 
So this will be a large vent of many of my problems so here goes nothing:
Its Been over 3 years since I've started really posting on Smogon, and it has been a wild ride. I don't think I have done much on Smogon. Yes, I did do some small stuff here and there, but I have never really done anything that I consider big on Smogon. I want to achieve more, I want to have a bunch of badges to show off my hard work. But I am extremely lazy, and as a result I don't do that much, whether that be in both real life and in Smogon. Laddering, Preparing for tours, Writing Analyses/Spotlights takes a lot of energy, which I don't always have, so sometimes I reuse teams, or procrastinate on assignments. Part of this is because I feel like I am extremely lazy. Because of these things, I feel a great discontent with myself, as I don't believe in my own abilities. In addition to this, I am also extremely shy, and as a result I don't usually reach out to others first. I instead wait for someone to reach out to me instead. I think this is partly due to my neurodiversity, as I double and triple check to make sure I am not breaking some sort of unspoken rule. I find myself envying those that are in friend groups, and who have a lot of friends, and who have a lot of badges on Smogon. Obviously I am thinking a little too much about pixels on a Pokemon forum, but I just want to make friends, and I feel like I have a lot of trouble doing that. I also feel like I push people away sometimes, as my cold demeanor and not always being available might drive some people away
 
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Met a dude at work earlier today that seen my name badge (ironically it's not my actual name - it's my nickname my (RIP) ex/bestie gave me) and he goes "Yuri? What are you like... Norwegian or sumn?" (I'm not - I'm a European mutt but Norway isn't one, Sweden is close - mainly ***Irish***/Italian/Czech if we talking blood lol) and I said no it's a nickname my name is Josh" and he goes "My buddy Billy had a son named Josh before our lives got busy with family life"
and I mentioned my last name and his eyes lit up.
He knew my dad from days of going to all the rock/country/etc shows in the 70s even if they had to hitchhike
He shared some fun memories, he obv restricted some im sure knowing im his son respecting his memory (if he only knew shit my dad use to tell me lmao) but it was nice.
Any energy that keeps his energy going still is a god send.

We laughed how me and my friends use to scrap metal and all we'd get into with that to get to old punk & the juggalo shows we liked and he was like "yup your dad, our friends and i use to finds ways to scrap money together for anything we wanted to do and just do it"

was a nice conversation tbh.
 
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Unfortunately, yesterday was the day that me and my family collectively decided to put down my dog. She was suffering from cancer and had a really rough night, and we knew it was the end for her. She wasn’t acting the same, always hiding.

The fact that this had to happen crushed me. I still had school to get to, and a day to go through. I didn’t want to get out of bed. My dog was what made me happy without failure. I do have two others (proud dog owner), but it won’t be the same without Khaleesi (my late dog’s name).

She was a big dog, being a Doberman. But, despite her size, she was always mellow and serene, but still always in the mood for rubs or just cuddles.

RIP Khaleesi, I promise I won’t forget you. You’re in a better place now.
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Pengu I'm sorry friend, when my cocker spaniel died years back it rocked me too - got a wonderful 4 pushing 5 year old basset hound now and whenever that demon thought creeps i wanna throw the world away before it even happens. i actually intend to get a lil pup as he gets older for him to teach to be a good boy like he is - wish i did that with Max (Cocker Spaniel)
I wish you and your loved ones all the heals atm, beautiful Pup btw, may your Puppah rest well.
 
So, I'm not quite sure where this would go between the physical health/fitness thread and here, but I thought here would be a bit safer of a bet since it's been messing me up pretty bad.

I broke my ankle on Monday. It's a pretty bad break - all of the stability it had is gone. My tibia's snapped off at kind of a weird angle and one of my tendons (don't remember which - it had a really long name and I only got told it once at around 3:00 AM) also got knocked out of place. I got to the ER at around 8:30 PM and ended up staying until around 4:00 AM, when they finally let me go with some crutches and a splint.

First off, this splint is driving me crazy already. It's really heavy and clunky compared to how my leg was before the break, and it's made things I'd normally be able to do just fine into being borderline impossible. It's also making my foot/ankle/lower leg area ache a lot. I feel really powerless, for lack of a better way of describing it. I understand that I need it on, but god does it suck. Where it's really affecting me, though, is when I need to sleep. It's ungodly amounts of uncomfortable; I usually sleep on my side and hug my pillow, but I straight up can't do that now. I have to lay flat on my back, which is really not comfortable for me. I slept pretty bad the night I got home and last night, so... Yeah.

And then there's the fact that I have surgery on Friday... I'm really worried about it, even though they say I'm in good hands. I hate, hate, hate, hate needles, and I know they're gonna put one in me for anesthesia (through an IV). I also just... really don't like the idea of surgery. First off, I'm getting screws and plates in my ankle, and second off, I'm just... afraid of what could happen. What if I wake up during it? What if something goes wrong? What if I get an infection (this was a risk actively discussed with me)? Oh, and they're putting on another fucking splint after they're done, and this one has to stay on for a couple weeks before I get to move to a boot. I'm overall just in a huge slump because of this whole thing, and I have no idea how to deal with any of it...

It's gonna be a really rough however-many-weeks/months of recovery. Not at all looking forward to it.
 
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Ive recently united a bunch of people ("friends") that are finding a way together with their financial situations; they all hit it off swimmingly and are essentially as friendly to each other as I knew they were to me (thus me introducing them)

That said i've seen in recent times I've been the odd one out amongst them -- and that'd be fine considering they're tryna find a living space together [intertwined focused energy to provide for selves - i get it], but then I hear words about like "Oh Josh wasn't around cus -insert whoever- was" and I'm like aye - no, stop that.
1) One of my (RIP) Father's line he drilled into my skull was: "Never let someone feel like you aren't where you belong" - so that's a dub off rip.
and 2) If you really my homie you know I don't ever like anyone speaking for me if i'm not present ---- I give everyone else the same honor. Don't cross me on that.
Once I see people tryna drive wedges I gotta call it out - they always play it off jokingly and I'm like That ain't a joke to me - don't joke or project my feelings, I get along with all unless I got a reason not too.
If I feel a way about a person/an action they did I speak to them, I don't speak to "My safe space" about it, cus that's how being soft becomes a thing - be an adult, discuss disputes & differences like one is my motto. --- I respect people enough to be willing to hear them out rather than running to a personal cave (safe zone) to talk nonsense.
that is one thing I'm starting to dislike, idc how close yall get --- clearly yall want it to be a pissing contest (cus they just dont just like i dont take their bubble of concern as serious for self as they do for themselves --- im there for you as a friend but I already got mine, you all literally only met cus I helped some of yall get yours.... don't be angry at me that I dont take this job we all share as serious. I only take it serious in the sense in "Get it done, do it right, and go tf home" idc about any other concerns cus this is a job I denied going up the ladder in numerous times.

I respect you all want to and it'll help secure ya'lls future at no point have I belittled that other than when asked why I don't want it (said I dont think the upper management appreciates anyone and just looks at people as tools, not humans, so i wont - im a punk music kid at heart, i may need to pay bills but dignity > $$$) ---- just dont make me feel like the odd one out cus I dont take shit as serious as you in the sense of wanting more - I already been here longer than all you..... I've proven I'll do this, I just don't want that lol.
I don't think I'm above or anything alike saying idc, i'm just admitting i dont want what yall do in a work sense, I so wish yall the best however living together.

But no probably won't be chilling over there that much seeing how fugazi yall got over this thinking just cus yall want something ill ride with it.
(Promise this is no petty) but why put myself out when people are already weird towards me and already owe me/my fam money? (a thing to this day I still keep quiet cus 1) I get it, life sucks but 2) now yall being weird, this my back pocket now if it has to be.
Be glad I'm gracious enough to coexist and wish yall well. Lets keep it that way.

I know I'm not the easiest to know cus I like being left tf alone 95% the time unless you're my girl or dog lol... but my best friend of 20 years (he'd be the 3rd one who can hmu whenever) so to see the new energy around him change his energy to me makes me wanna just go petty mode but I'm tryna preserve my own peace.....

I won't cus it'd be a dick move to do so and justify their crusty cornball energy, I just think it's pretty dick move on their part to have me introduce them all then be different towards me cus I don't think their favorite thing is my favorite thing to super dumb it down. I've literally aided them all along the way, so why be brand new now? Especially if y'all still expect to be around me lol.

Moms was right as a kid --- Never work with friends lol.
 
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